Kids Picture This: Drawing Friends, Destroying Lives

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

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Picture # 1 – Get this crush off of me?  What does that even mean, Sally?  Mommy convinced her friends and herself that it was ok to drink 3 glasses of wine per day when she was pregnant, didn’t she?  Why does it look like Pig Pen is trying to get to 3rd base with this chick?  And why the hell is she bald on the top of her head, but not the sides?  Get that sh*t checked out by a doctor ASAP and see if he can fit you with some prosthetic feet while you’re at it because, clearly, you are missing those.  Other questions that come to mind hover around the fact that you and your friend are talking to each other with your mouths in perfect circles. There are no words in the English language that make your mouth form a perfect circle while saying them, except the word “ho” which I’ll assume you’re calling your friend since she’s letting you know that she’s coming.  Uh, that’s pretty personal you pig.  And how the F tall is the chick in the green dress? She’s about 98% legs, 1% upper body, and 1% head.  Technically she should be starring in her own reality show on the Discovery Channel or TLC.  By the way, no one has claws as hands.  Just sayin’.

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Picture # 2 –  Little Jill is not happy.  Nope, not happy at all.  I mean, she could be pissed that her legs are covered in cuts (looks like step-daddy came home drunk again) or the fact that she is sans eye and her mouth has teeth all around it kinda like Sloth from Goonies.  It’s a tough call.  Either way, I’m not sure what world Little Jilly grew up in, but here on planet Earth, our shoes don’t have eyes and floppy dog-like ears.  And is she yelling out ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics to her friend or no?  Her friend who appears to be a blond mongoloid with a ginger side ponytail is still all smiles even though her big toe is shooting out her shoes and her crotch has, literally, been sewn up.  However, I do find it entertaining that even though they’re clearly having issues they still have found the time to perform the Single Ladies dance.  That’s true friendship.  P.S, nice Santa Claus cuffs and bow-tie on the friend because no one wears that.  Ever.  You don’t even see pictures of it.  Anywhere.  So basically your kid is a psycho and should be tested stat for homicidal tendencies.  Scratch that, this is the test and they are.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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