Cristy from Intervention

cristy-intervention

Me gusta Intervention!  While they’re not all funny, there are a few crapisodes that make me laugh out loud, partially because they’re funny and partially because I’m going to burn in the firey pits of hell.  This is one of those times.  Perhaps one of my top 5 favorite episodes of Intervention is the one with Cristy!  Stay tuned for the song.

Cristy is a meth addicted alcoholic who’s a stripper and thinks she’s God, Satan, and apparently a novelist.  Watch out, Lindsay Lohan, because I’m pretty sure there’s a new “triple threat” in town!  Oh, and did I mention that Cristy is missing many sections of her eyebrows?  She looks like the Sesame Street “Bert” stuffed animal that my sister had when she was little that I cut off pieces of his eyebrows.  We never thought of filling in the missing pieces of hair like Cristy did with pencil, but we were just kids and she’s a God afterall.

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Cristy drinks an insane amount of Bourbon when she’s coming down from meth.  She lives in what I’m assuming is the shed in her grandmothers backyard and she’s decorated it like they’re ready to shoot the next cover of “Home and Garden” at her place.  She has about 15 empty bottles of Vodka in the shower and one even put halfway through the wall.  Around that bottle are numbers and what I’m guessing is crossword puzzles written on the wall.  It’s very art deco.  We later find out these numbers are part of Cristy’s “formula” that somehow consists of “positive plus positive minus negative cancels out positive.”  Somehow that proves that she’s God, she thinks.  I’d buy that.

While Cristy can’t seem to afford alcohol on her own she somehow finds the money to dye her hair blond and always have new crisp “wife-beaters” that really complete her look.  This Cristy is a real pistol.  She goes to the liquor store and can’t buy alcohol on her own so she stands outside with a sign and just yells “Hey friends….friends?  Hey friends!”  until someone with a blurred out face approaches her and agrees to buy her some vodka if he can have a hug (and maybe go down the street with her for a little bit).  Cristy may be a meth stripper, but she’s a shrewd business woman and skillfully negotiates the vodka transaction minus the “trip down the street for a little bit.”  She must be onto something with that “positive positive negative” math equation.  I’ll practice that later.

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Cristy spends the majority of the episode naked.  Ramen Noodles are involved.  Well, sometimes she’s in her underwear…or some man’s underwear.  It’s hard to tell.  What we do know is that  Cristy spends a lot of time throwing noodles around her dump of a house.  Later she spits the chewed up noodles at the producer. Hot. Speaking of hot and by “hot” I mean “scary” Cristy’s sister (who also has jacked up eyebrows) fights a naked Cristy outside next to the free-weights and chest-press.  Seriously, is this happening?  It is.

Our pal Cristy was surprisingly not molested as a child, but her parents did get divorced when she was nine and apparently that’s a recipe for a meth/stripper filled future.  She moved out to LA with her dad when she was a teenager and even though she was dressed in clothes that exposed her boobs and stomach and was going to “raves” her dad just thought “she was going to a dance.”  Yeah, a dance at the local crackwhore house.  I’m sorry that was wrong.  No no I mean the spelling of “crackwhore.”  Should it have been hyphenated?

Yay! It’s time for the Intervention!  I love when the family pretends it’s a party. Cristy walks in an smiles and says “Oh God” and her family literally yells out “Weeeee!”  Seriously, brilliant.  I want one!  Cristy hugs everyone whilst holding a pack of Spree’s.  It is a party!  Oh, and she also has stickers on her face.  Is it bad that I never want Cristy to get help?  I just want Cristy to have her own channel where all we do is watch her.  Maybe every now and then Janet (from a previous Intervention) can make an appearance and just yell out “God Almighty!”

The intervention itself is a real circus.  Cristy laughs it all off, but her family kinda laughs it all off too.  Hell, might as well, I’m laughing too.  By the way, I totally blame her parents for this.  Not because of the divorce, but because they are complete morons.  If she were my daughter I would have ripped her by her hair out of her meth lab apartment and chained her to a radiator until she sobered up and then tossed her ass in rehab.  I’d repeat that process 2,462 times until it finally worked.

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Anyway, Cristy loses her 40 that she’s drinking and throws her orange Spree’s at the Interventionist.  She then begins to fight her family (by pulling out some Matrix sh*t).  They literally have to hold her down to the ground so she will listen to them.  After they threaten her with jail the shrewd business Cristy comes out again and she negotiates going to rehab ONLY if she can drink on the plane.  Deal!

Finally, in the car ride to the airport, the mom asks the dad to sing a song to Cristy.  I don’t want to oversell this, but this is the best part of the episode.  And the song goes….

So pretty and she’s witty,
Sometimes misty, that’s my Cristy
She’s my girl, my little girl, to me that’s what she’ll be.

Best. Song. Ever.

Finally, in conclusion, Cristy gets kicked out of treatment after 3 days so her family had her arrested.  Cristy said she got the message of “don’t do drugs.”  Nancy Reagan would be proud.  Cristy served 90 days in jail, relapsed 6-weeks after, and now lives with friends and drinks and does drugs.  Well that sucks.  Does that mean it’s wrong that I laughed at this episode?

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