Honey Boo Boo Recap: The One Where The Sugars Give Out The Sugars

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The same way I have absolutely no clue what’s going on in Libya, I have no idea what’s taking place in this crapisode of Here Comes Diabetes Doo Doo.  Although, Spoiler Alert, I’m more interested in this show.  It’s less of a downer.  Plus it makes me feel rich and in shape and, well, that’s always a good thing.  Have I called Jenny yet?  Perhaps.  Anynecks, it’s almost the end of the summer and Mama is trying everything she can to keep her kids occupied so they don’t knock over a 7-11 and get even more pregnant.  Similar to Cinderella’s stage coach at midnight, Pumpkin will turn into a pumpkin if she doesn’t have activities to take part in.  With that said, Mama hands over some money and sends the kids to the store in the gas station across the street so they can basically “food shop” and get the hell out of the house for a spell.  I’m using the phrase “for a spell” so I can really appeal to my southern readers.  You’re welcome…y’all.  Pumpkin and crew head over to the store and since they’re all sans the ability to read, she misses the sign that says, “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service.”  She’s legit barefoot walking around the store and this is the first moment in the episode where my stomach turns.  This will happen a variety of times throughout the next 25 minutes.  We’re also introduced to the “store manager” who has gold nuggets for teeth which require the editors to provide him with sub-titles.  We also meet the chick behind the register who supports “The Sugars” since they provide some “flavor” to the neighborhood.  Um, no.  Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn provide some flavor.  Pumpkin and Alana provide lower property value to the neighborhood.  And I’m sure by Autumn, Pumpkin will be providing her biscuit to the neighborhood as well.

Later Sugar Bear and Alana are going out on a date so they can spend some quality time together.  Something tells me if there weren’t cameras around, this would be an actual date and Honey Boo Boo would be turning into Honey Blow Blow.  Is that wrong?  Eh, who cares.  The big date takes place at the Fun Factory which, ironically, is also the nickname of June’s biscuit I hear.  Sugar Bear is just as excited as Alana and he’s really hoping there’s a ball pit he can jump into and spread his diseases to everyone in town.  At one point we learn that Sugar Bear is a “chalk miner” and since I live in the north I’m not going to pretend I have any idea what that actually is.  In the meantime I’ll just assume it means he packages chalk for outdated schools.  He’s kind of like a nun, but without the iron box.  Either way, Sugar Bear and Alana are having a blast at this ghost town Fun Factory.  In all the excitement Sugar Bear puts on Alana’s roller skates on the wrong feet, but in his defense it’s not like you can get that right every time….especially since Sugar Bear used to work at a roller skating rink when he was younger.  Too bad he let that lucrative job slip away.  I wonder if that’s where he met June?  She must have been like grace rolling by him, dragging her chins and ass behind her.  Truth be told, good old Sugar Bear really likes spending time with Alana and it’s a really nice gesture considering that he works 7 days a week.  Hopefully with this crew raking in $1 million this year, he’ll be able to reduce his schedule down to 6 days a week.

To take yet another sharp left turn, Chickadee is getting tired of being pregnant but at least it provided us with minutes of entertainment whilst everyone threw in their two cents about what happens when you give birth.  First off, Alana lets us know that Kaitlyn is almost ready to come out of Chickadee’s “moon pie.”  Love it.  Then Mama classes things up by telling us that her hemorrhoids are going to come out and someone is going to need to push them back in.  Seconds later “the women will ‘ew’ on herself” followed by the baby being pulled out of her biscuit.  Good Night Moon.  Perhaps if as much time was spent on the details of how to put on a condom, Chickadee wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.  More importantly, how is Chickadee like 8-months pregnant and still the thinnest person in the house?  Are they sure she’s just not “full?”

In order to break things up the gang decides to play a fun family game of “Guess Whose Breath.”  It’s as horrific as you would imagine.  Per usual I immediately ran into the kitchen and dumped my sandwich into the trash.  I guess my goal for next week is to snack prior to 10pm.  As you can imagine, one person is blindfolded and then someone sneaks up to them and blows their rancid breath into the persons face and they need to guess whose breath it is.   I mean, pick up a book and read for cripes sakes.  No wonder why the unemployed have officially given up on looking for work.  How would you even have time to look for a job when games like this are just sitting at home waiting to be played on the regular?  As predicted, Sugar Bear and Mama have the worst breath.  Watching Mama put her lips directly on Sugar Bear’s lips actually made my ding-a-ling shoot into my body.  It may never see sunlight again.  I’m going to have to tease it out with pictures of Barb from Teen Mom 2.  Oh, also, we’ll have 6 more weeks of winter this year.  Chickadee is having so much fun and laughing so much that she pisses right on Mama’s puffy suede couch.  Mama is sure to sniff it and like an episode of Law & Order SVU, she immediately knows it’s piss.  I mean in the homes defense, doesn’t the entire house smell like piss anyway?  I’m kidding.  Piss and cheese puffs.  Only joking.  Piss, cheese puffs, and lack of ambition.

The crapisode ends as basically a cooking show on the Food Network.  First up, Mama and Alana are making some lemonade so they can sell it on the streets and make some money for Honey Boo Boo’s pageant.  This is actually the total opposite of anything Skinnygirl.  It’s more than 5 lbs of sugar and 2 gallons of lemon juice.  It’s like the Fatgirl margarita. Seriously, if they don’t market that name I’m going to be pissed.  Mama speaks the truth when she says she’s giving the people of McIntyre diabetes.  I mean, I caught diabetes just watching them make it.  The good news is that now I have direct access to Della Reese.  After selling $25 worth of Non-Glucose Juice, the family is starving (shocker) so Mama June makes a family favorite called “Sketti.”  Sketti is pasta with a tub of butter and ketchup microwaved, mixed, and then served.  Seriously, I just dry-heaved typing that.  The best part is that the family loves it.  They are clueless.  How many points could this meal be on Weight Watchers?  I’m guessing 3, but then again I’m not one of “the fats.”  I was waiting for them to use this special “sketti” sauce to grease up Chickadee and then just reach in and pull that baby out of her biscuit.  I mean, who doesn’t love a nice biscuit with spaghetti?  Alrighty, well I’m going to go now and induce vomiting.  Catch you guys next week, y’all!

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Episode Rating: 3.5 Pungent Kisses from Mama

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