Bring on Honey Boo Boo (chile)! I wanted to be part of the reason why more people watched Honey Boo Boo last night than the DNC. The DNC? I Did Not Catch. See what I did there? I’ve been waiting 12 hours to use that joke and, well, here we are. Plus, does it really even matter who becomes President of the United States? I think not. I’m pretty sure the economy will eventually just fix itself. Like a crying baby that you ignore, soon enough it will just stop being bad. So same/same. Also click here to join me on my Facebook page because, well, it’s the American way. Sorry Canada.
I won’t lie to you (although typically I do) I can’t get “Shh! It’s a Wig” out of my head. Honey Boo Boo and the rest of the obesity brigade are heading out to a wig store to see if 6 year old Alana can add some fake hair to her head to help her win the upcoming pageant. If it’s one thing that pedophile judges loves during a tot pageant it’s “grown woman hair” on a pre-pubesent child. If you don’t look like Tammy Faye Baker with a spray tan and glitz you likely won’t even place and surely won’t win Grand Supreme. Anychins, the chick who works at “Shh! It’s a Wig” is basically the Asian version of Mama June. If this show makes it overseas she’ll sprout quite the career. Plus, I think it’s great that any new characters that we’re introduced to us are overweight. I’m sure the citizens of Georgia are beaming with pride. Alana tries on a variety of wigs but the Asian June (AJ) seems to think that the Shirley Temple wig fits the best. It legit looks like someone gave a home perm to a cat, shot it to death, and then simply placed it on top of Honey Boo Boo’s head. It’s like when Whitney Houston’s wig would try to run from the receipts. You know what I’m getting at. Chaka Khan! Meanwhile, June also tries on a bunch of wigs, but my personal favorite was the one that looked like a plate of pubes. Why that can’t be her real hair is beyond me. Although she did sport one wig that was long and curly to which Sugar Bear’s “sugar cub” started to rise. He looked at the camera and slurred that he wanted to get frisky and “jump some bones.” Uh, bones? On Mama? Maybe jumping some rolls would be a little more accurate. No one likes a Pinnochio, Sugar Bear. And to complete the wig process even Sugar Bear got in on the action and tossed on a mullet wig to which Mama squealed with delight. R.I.P Glitzy. The mullet really made is extra-blackened-side-teeth pop on camera.
If it’s one common thread we see in each crapisode besides Mama sneezing, burping, farting and using the term “smexy” it’s everyone b*tching about how hot it is in Georgia. I guess this explains why everyone looks like a grease machine with matted hair and drooping faces. How there aren’t more alligators in their home with all that swamp ass is beyond me. Since it’s so hot out and everyone would rather spend their money on cheese puffs than an air conditioner, Sugar Bear decides to surprise everyone with pool that he’s bought and brought home. Personally I love how the pool seems to fit in a something that is smaller than a bread box. Perhaps Mama can dip her chin in it to cool off. The tough part is going to be putting it together especially since Sugar Bear apparently isn’t good at “puttin’ nothing together.” He can’t even put together the facts that he’s only the biological father to one of these kids. Hey-oh! The only one who really tries to help is Pumpkin. Although with the tarp and piping I can only presume she thinks she’s assembling a new dress for Mama. Get it? She’s fat. Ok moving on. Poor Mama (literally) is so hot that she’s opened up her folding chair (bless those bolts) and is sitting in the shade while she watches the pool being put together. Evidently the heat doesn’t mix well with Mama’s voluptuousness and digestive systems. It was at this point that I paused my DVR, walked up to my television, and tried to hug the image of Mama. I don’t care what the psychologist say, I love this woman and it’s completely normal. Once the pool is finally set up, they drop a hose in it, and Alana jumps in. I didn’t notice a filter system or any chemicals so basically once everyone is inside the pool they’ll technically be making a “fats stew” with all the fixins. Add salt so the family members don’t stick together. Serve over rice.
Later since Sugar Bear decided to take some time off of work (collecting cans) since he works 7 days a week (year) he ends up taking out the entire family to a BBQ restaurant, which cannot be cost effective let’s face it. The BBQ restaurant is just as terrible as you can image. It’s one of those metal buildings that typically stores lawnmowers and the like but, instead, will now prepare and serve food. Everyone looks like they’re foaming from the mouth in anticipation of this glamorous restaurant that is decorated in, literally, hundreds of pigs. Alana wants to order her BBQ with three sides, all of which she wants to be meat. She doesn’t understand why she can’t have her meat with a side of meat, meat, and meat. I mean, since Mama has children with 3 different baby daddies obviously she’s always gotten a side of meat, meat, and meat too. As the old saying goes, “Like obese mother, like future diabetic daughter.” And, no doubt, that saying is on a bumper sticker somewhere in Georgia. Either that or it’s their state motto and on every license plate. Honey Boo Boo tells the waitress that they’re fat, which legally I believe she has to, to which Sugar Bear pipes in by saying “We ain’t fat. We is pleasingly plump.” Seriously, I want to see all of his report cards. I won’t believe he’s been schooled until I see at least a dozen report cards. The high-class meal ends with Chubbs lifting her leg and farting on Pumpkin all whilst Mama looks embarrassed (and jealous) and looks around the metal restaurant to see if anyone is looking. Don’t worry Mama they aren’t, but we are. Oh, and a discussion took place on why Mama won’t marry Sugar Bear and Chickadee seems to think it’s because she won’t find a wedding dress to fit her. Mama doesn’t even bat a pimply eye when she sasses back, “Oh they make wedding dresses bigger than me.” Apparently she’s been Googling. If worse comes to worse just take down the pool, paint it white, and wrap it around her. It was interesting, however, that Mama says she isn’t interested in getting married because “men come and go” and she’s making sure her kids are her priority. Um talk like that won’t get you on Mauray, Mama. But it is refreshing to see the thought process in work.
In the end, The Sugars head out to our favorite Crazy Tony’s to chase horses around on their 4-wheelers, eat some fried fish out of a bucket and then go shopping at the local department store. At first I was like, “There’s no way where they live has a department store” and, well, I was right. They all took their 4-wheelers down to the county dump and legit started picking through a packed dumpster. I hope they chased their fried fish dinner with a couple of tetanus shots! They find mattresses, egg beaters, a toilet seat, a fan, some clothes, surround sound speakers, and a winter jacket. It’s like “The Price is Right” for “the poors” and I loved every minute of it. Honey Boo Boo lets us know that Pumpkin actually gets all of her clothes from the dumpster and, well, I 100% believe that. The day ends with a trip to the lake in which Sugar Bear sits on the beach in jeans and a hat and then fireworks cap off the night. What scares me is that everyone seems genuinely happy…even with out money or health. I’m fine with the lack of health, but how can you be happy without money? Also, as a wise woman once sang, “Money can’t buy you class (my friend).”
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