Honey Boo Boo: Pumpkin vs. Pigzilla (a Refreshing Love Story)

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It’s time to get down to brass tax and brass tacks all at the same time (mainly because I don’t know what the saying means) because we’re finally at the point on Honey Boo Boo where we’re just going to watch morbidly obese people eat for 22 out of 30 minutes.  Take notes Canada and parts of Mexico, this is why we’re fat.  God Bless The America (Online Community)!  If it’s one  person I’ve always taken a liking to it’s Pumpkin.  It’s like watching What’s Eating Gilbert Grape:  Extreme Weight Gain Edition.  When she comes on the screen I typically blurt out, “Come on Smoochie!”  whilst grabbing my trash barrel because, well, you can never be too safe when Pumpkin comes on the screen. Thank you Jesus (kisses to the sky via Melissa Gorga) for High Def…and not just because I’m high.  Our littlest Pumpkin is turning 13 years old in this episode, which is shocking because she looks 47 and has the arteries of a 95 year old Italian from the inner city.  And it’s pretty much not normal that I assumed she’s probably the type of girl who had her period when she was in 2nd grade because she was at the standard weight of a “lady in waiting.”  I thought I would class it up with “lady in waiting” vs what the nuns used to teach us, which was “Devil Drippings” or, my favorite, “Whore’s Juice.”  I mean, it’s a real win-win either way.

Pumpkin pretty much thinks that because it’s her birthday and now that her family is white trash with money (the best kind of white trash and something I aspire to be) she’s going to have a kick a** birthday.  I blocked out a** in case Alana is reading or, you know, someone is reading this to Sugar Bear.  As the saying goes, “You should always put your best forklift foot forward.”  Anyway, Mama June and the rest of the family are tricking Pumpy into thinking they’re not doing anything for her birthday when…wait for it…wait for it…check your blood sugar…wait for it….they’re going to surprise her by taking her to, and I quote, “Fulfill her dream” of taking the Pigzilla Challenge.  For those of you scratching your privates and wondering what this is, it’s basically at the kind of restaurant where Letter Grades need not apply and they’ll serve you up 4 pounds of meat between 2 1 pound buns and you have to eat it in less than 45 minutes.  Or…as Mama June likes to call it, “Finger Foods.”  Sadly, 55 people have challenged Pigzilla, yet only one person conquered him and this person was a professional eater.  I guess no explanation is needed on whatever happened to Glitzy, but let’s all just assume the 4 lb sandwich is topped off with a crown and may or may not hiss “Alana” at you when you go to bite it.

Before we can get to all the party excitement and pre-heart attack games, we all learn why Pumpkin is a little, well, “off.”  You see, to no avail she was struck by lightning a few years ago, which really is a miracle for the folks at TLC who put this little dog and pony show together.  And, since us regular “lay folk” couldn’t possibly understand how lighting works, Honey Boo Boo draws us pictures of what actually happened.  Truth be told, I loved these pictures and she actually did a great job.  She has the artistic ability and waist size of a 12 year old Russian gymnast.  Anydirt,  one day Pumpkin was still on strike with exercise and was playing Nintendo whilst the house got struck by lighting.  Apparently the volts went through the house, into the wires, and out through her game controller.  And that is where she officially got zapped.  Ever since then she’s never been the same.  She even claims that she used to be smart, but after being struck she’s now only medium smart.  I mean, let’s face it.  That house hasn’t seen anything labeled “medium” since each of them were born and, still, I’m sure it was a little snug.  At least this hasn’t impacted her desire to cook up a batch of canned ravioli, cheese balls, and pork rinds.  Seriously, raccoons rummaging through tipped over metal garbage cans eat healthier than her.  However, both still have the same amount of dark circles under their eyes.  It suits her.  It really makes her freshly cut bangs pop on camera.  Oh, and Mama shouting “Heavens to Betsy” is the new “Smoochie Smooch” for me and I hope it is for you as well.

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Meanwhile as all of this is going on Alana is being signed up for tap dance.  When your roots are as “the poors” you find the best places to practice around your house like, whilst standing on top of the washing machine and while walking back and forth across the bathtub.  Please note in both examples these two things were seldom used over the past 5 years.  In fact, I’m pretty sure water isn’t even hooked up in the house.  You just clean yourself like a cat, with the addition of some sweat and self-made urine of course.  They’re not actually animals after all.   Was it just me or did it not phase you in the least when Alana was talking to the live chicken who was standing in a pot on the stove?  Yeah, not even a little.  I was basically just like, “Oh there’s where the chicken ended up.”  I figured Alana was going to use her “minja” moves on the chicken.  Not sure why she didn’t call herself a “finja” but that’s another thought for another time.

In the end, after mashed potatoes are flung onto the wall and Pumpkin makes her way through a dozen cupcakes Mama spills the pork-n-beans that she’s taking her to Pigzilla for her birthday.  Pumpkin reacted legit like she was told she was going to Wally World.  The whole family heads on out to Pigzilla where Pumpkin and Sugar Bear will try their best to eat the 6 lb sandwich and win themselves $200 (or “pocket change” as the Season 2 cast now thinks of it).  I actually didn’t think the sandwich looked that bad and honestly thought that if I was hungover I could kill two of those.  I think it’s mainly the bread that just slows you down.  Lucky for us we get to see these two try their hardest to devour Pigzilla and do so with dirty fingernails.  Disgusting.  Sugar Bear was out in 15 minutes, most likely because he’s only working with about 1/4th of a mouthful of working teeth, but Pumpkin kept going strong.  She had a genius hot sauce strategy that really made sense because the rules say you can’t vomit, but there wasn’t anything in the rules that said you couldn’t Shasta McNasty right there in your grass-stained-pants.  It’s like FIFO for “the fats.”  Look at me remembering Accounting 101 terms!  Looks like that college education has finally paid off.  Alas, however, Pumpkin can’t continue on and finishes just two pounds in.  She does win “The First Female To Try This” award so she really is a pioneer for all you ladies out there.  Hop on the Pumpkin Express and go make something of your lives!

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