Apparently Where Darlene Montag Lives There are No TVs or Magazines…and She’s Missing Her Eyes.

darlene-montag

Nothing quite says “family reunion” like an MTV camera crew to capture the look on your face when you first lay eyes on your daughter who mutilated her face all in the name of “show business.”  For some reason, Us Weekly stopped blowing Heidi and Spencer and now People Magazine has taken to their knees to report, exclusively, on all things related to Heidi Montag’s new face.

Heidi headed (pun sorta intended) to Crested Butte to slap her horse in the ass and visit her mom, Darlene Montag, for the first time since karma did a real number on her face and part of her body.  Heidi told People Magazine, “I was nervous, but also excited … I never thought in my wildest dreams she was going to react the way she did.  She was looking at me almost like a zoo animal. It wasn’t like I was her daughter anymore. She was looking at me like I was a circus freak.”

Darlene was probably looking at Heidi like she was her long lost son who fled the country in 1999 to become a post-op transsexual…who then made love to a circus freak and a zoo animal all whilst getting slapped in the face with Silly Putty and Leprechaun hats.  So, yeah, that’s probably what she was looking at.

Heidi lifelessly continued, “I think she was most upset that Spencer was there for me and she wasn’t. She was saying how sad it is that my confidence is gone because of the music industry I’m trying to get into.”  If the music industry she’s referring to is in regards to a Meow Mix remix jingle then, yeah, I get it.

You can watch the script unfold on the upcoming season of The Hills.

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