Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! This week Senorita Skank, Harriet Carter, is selling us crap that will keep us warm, keep us in a loveless marriage, keep us guessing the meaning, and keep us reusing an old newspaper. Don’t be confused, it’s crap! Let’s go….Product # 1 – Brrrr it’s cold and you need to look like an asshole, but how can you accomplish this task? Well luckily Harriet is keeping you warm with a helmet hat or a “helha” as I like to call it. Let’s take a quick look at the dramatics of the before and after picture. It is clearly sunny and blue skies in the before picture, but “man in photo” looks very confused, yet concerned. Perhaps a cold front is coming up the coast? Brrr, here comes the cold front and by “cold front” I really mean “change the blue background to a grey background.” Viola! Cold! The “man in photo” after looks like he has crazy eyes and is ready to continue his daily tasks of mugging and killing strangers on the street. At least he’s warm. Thanks Harriet, I love the “Helha!”
Product # 2 – Are you in a completely loveless marriage? Are you also one of the creepiest couples around? Do you smile when you read? Are you also “living in sin?” Well if you can answer “yes” to at least 2 out of 4 of these questions then you too can experience the Harriet Carter Blinding Bed Reading Light! First off, “Creepy Old Model Man” looks like a pedophile that’s looking at kiddie porn. I’m waiting for Chris Hansen to jump out from behind the bed at any minute. And what is that chick smiling at? Who smiles when they read? As a side note, “Creepy Old Model Man” has a wedding ring, but the other random chick is sans wedding ring. Now do we typically hyphenate “skanked-out-home-wrecking-whore?” Just checking.
Product # 3 – Yay! More t-shirts that I don’t understand the meaning of! This prized t-shirt says, “I listen to the voices in my tackle box.” Awesome. Wait, what? Was does that even mean? I’m assuming it has something to do with fishing, but why does one need a shirt about that? I think this would make waaaay more sense if they got rid of just one word. “Tackle.” Then Harriet Carter could market this shirt to strippers and prostitutes. I mean, what stripper and prostitute wouldn’t want a t-shirt that says, “I listen to the voices in my box.” Make sense? I think so. I may send this suggestion right to Harriet herself.
Product # 4 – Have some extra newspapers around the house? Need to build a walkway? Well now you can with the Harriet Carter Newspaper Brick Maker, because apparently it exists and people need this? What do you do with these bricks? Now me personally, I would use it to build a house for the homeless because I’m a giver and am selfless. I mean sure when it rains the house will get soggy and the ink will run all over the said homeless person, but at least they could have a nice newsworthy house for at least 3-5 days (1-2 days in the month of April). Seriously, I think if me and Harriet combined minds we could win a Nobel Prize.
