Harriet Carter Wednesday: The Rabies Machine

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  We’re officially three months into the new year and I’m already sick of 2010.  However, Harriet Carter and her rotten box…of products always seem to bring a smile to my lifeless-dead-behind-the-eyes face.  I picture her in a board meeting trying to choose what to sell next.  This week, Squirrel Feeders.  Next week, dignity and self respect!  Let’s go!

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Product # 1 – Have you been up late at night and losing sleep over how you’re going to get your neighborhood squirrel in tip-top shape for the upcoming trailer park boxing match?  Well, dump out the moonshine because you’ll be sleeping naturally in the comfort of knowing that Harriet Carter is here to help train your squirrel.  Apparently cartoon squirrels absolutely love eating/punching corn on the cob when it’s placed in a Ferris wheel type contraption.  Look at how talented this little rabies invested animal of Satan is when it eats some corn with one hand all whilst spinning the corn wheel with its other hand.  I’m not sure if the arrows are helping him or if he just knows.  I bet he just knows.  He seems smart.  Seriously, this corn wheel is disgusting.  Living in a world where most people can’t even afford to pay for the Internet connection to read this Harriet Carter post, this cartoon family is buying extra vegetables for their backyard rodents.  Gross.  Do you really want an animal that licks cat sh*t on a daily basis coming this close to your house and then, one day, just expecting food to be there?  You probably do.  You’re probably the kind of person who’s like the pedophile of the animal kingdom.  Like, you start by enticing them with corn and next thing you know you have a family of squirrels licking peanut butter off your private parts while you watch Masterpiece Theatre and listen to “Smack My Bitch Up” on your iPod.  You’re gross.  And why the hell does the description say that this contraption keeps the animals amused for hours?  Did they time it?  Doubtful.  And who gives a rabid F if they are happy even for seconds?  I’ve spent the majority of my life running from these things and “shoo’ing” away the rest of God’s creatures as I try to make my way up the street.  Geesh.  The only time I want a contraption like this is my life is when I’m filling it with cotton candy for the homeless person who lives outside of my apartment building…and I’ll be secretly videotaping it….and uploading it to YouTube….and making millions off of it.  I’ll probably get a network deal out of it…I assume.  Thanks, Harriet, for increasing the chances of me getting rabies by 98.9%.

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Product # 2 – Trying to play real life Tom & Jerry?  Are you sick of your trees just looking like, you know, trees?  Ever wish that you could decorate the absolute piss out of mother nature?  Well does Harriet have the kit for you!  Introducing the “Gnome Home.”  Bleh.  All you need to do is somehow screw this crap into the trunk of your tree and, presto chango, you’ve got yourself a pretend house for the neighborhood animals.  People will be thinking, “does someone live there?”  all while small animals will be knocked out cold when they open the door with their filthy paws and run their heads directly into the tree trunk.  I actually don’t think this is a bad idea.  Looking at this money waster I’m thinking things like, “Who lives on the first floor” and “who lives on the second floor” and, of course, “how much can I rent this place for?”  Oh and the description is written with so many puns I’m pretty sure I did projectile diarrhea in my pants.  I kid.  I took my pants down before I did the projectile so that I could spray the wall…but I digress.  It says,  “Passersby will swear you have new gneighbors.”  Get it?  “Gneighbors?”  You know what?  If any passersby are thinking anything as they pass my tree I’ll be sitting on my front porch with a loaded shotgun and yelling at them to mind their own God-damn business.  And what’s so wrong with bare trees?  Let trees just be trees.  Next thing you know people are going to star bedazzling sidewalks.  Let it alone. Let trees just be what they’re supposed to be used for: Being an absorption rag for dog piss and provide me with some shade for Christ’s sakes.

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