Harriet Carter Wednesday: Lindsay Free!

This weeks Harriet Carter Wednesday is proudly sponsored by Goya! Ole! Ok, it’s not. Happy HCW (as the kids are now calling it) and I’m proud to say that this weeks HCW is 100% Lindsay free. That means that it’s good for you! So what could Harriet be selling us this week? Let’s go…

Product # 1 – Let’s face it, if you’re purchasing from the Harriet Carter catalog, you can’t be too high falutin’. Clearly you go to restaurants that must be invested with roaches, mouse droppings, and possibly even some roadkill that got kicked in from the streets. With all that crap on the ground where in the hell can you put your purse? Well worry no longer because now Harriet is selling the “Hollywood Purse Hook!” Wow, Hollywood! It must be very fancy and very expensive that only the rich and famous can afford it. Oh, it isn’t? Ok. Well it is very easy to use. All you need to to is fasten one end to your Friendly’s table (you know that’s where you’re eating) and simply place your purse at the end of the hook. Viola! Done! Now the mice from the restaurant can’t jump into your purse and this also makes it very easy to steal stuff right from the table without the waitress noticing. Efficient.

Product # 2 – I love you “Failure Model Chick.” You mean the world to me. I don’t even care that you’re about to put green lipstick directly into your eye. There isn’t anything that you won’t do for me. And, I love you so much that if you need to poke your eye out because of your failure model career then I say go for it. Without an eye you can definitely get an eye patch and there has to be millions of dollars to be made in “pirate” modeling, no? As a side note, why is “failure model chick” wearing Mrs. Potato lips?

Product # 3 – Looking to count calories throughout the day? Well does Harriet have the “tool” for you. Now you can simply “count” all day using this handy “tool.” Don’t worry that it looks like a “personal massager” just go with it. You may want to “count” in private though. Don’t use this oddly shaped “counter” in the middle of the grocery aisle due to the “noise” it or you may make while “using it.” In case you can’t crack my “quotes” code, it looks like a vibrator. Jeeze, do I need to spell everything out for you people? Also, why does it look like it says, “fat,” “crack,” and “others” on this calorie counter? Where the hell else are you putting it?

Product # 4 – Toe extenders. Gross. Seriously. Nasty. You know what? If you need these things just saw your foot off and replace it with a wooden stump. That would look a little prettier than that mess pictured above. Gross. I can’t take my eyes off of it. They look like horses leaving the gate. Gross. You’re gross. Harriet is gross. Suddenly, “failure model chick” isn’t look so gross anymore. Hey wait, I wonder if that’s her foot!? Could it be “failure model foot?”
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