Ah Harriet Carter Wednesday’s. What would we do without them? Harriet has been with us in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. Harriet is our wife, our wife who burnt the roast and then had to explain to her co-workers the next day why her arm was in a sling. Damn dog. Anyway, Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Let’s see what’s good in the Harriet Carter crapalog this week…Product # 1 – If only Dina Lohan subscribed to the Harriet Carter catalog. Harriet clearly only wants to save daughters from dangerous driving and to hell with us guys. You can place this pin on your car visor and it states “Daughter Please Drive Safely.” Yeah that’s safe. As soon as the sun hits that thing a certain way you are sure to be blinded only to veer off the road seconds later. Also, don’t try to read this “special message” while driving as trying to read this message is almost as dangerous trying to figure out why the “angels” head looks like Barbie. As a side note, what kind of car is this? Why does the visor appear to be floating in the sky? Where’s the rest of the car?
Product # 2 – Now someone refresh my memory. Is Jon-Benet Ramsey dead or just missing? I can never keep track with these kids. If she’s missing, we’re in luck because I think I may have found her!!! She’s right here in this glass case. Weird that no one ever looked there. It was just sitting up there on the mantle the whole time! I’ll collect my reward money now thank you very much.
Product # 3 – What ever happened to the good old days of yesteryear when all you had to do was eat a potato? Now Harriet has come up with “101 Things to Do With a Potato.” What fun. Let’s see if we can guess some of these. Uhh (1) cook it? Umm (2) eat it? Uhhh…errrr…I’m out of ideas. Although I’m sure Harriet got all kinky with her potato. Pig. She probably dresses it up in lingerie and degrades it. Wait, what? Sometimes I even amaze myself. Anyway, unless one of those 101 things to do with a potato is rocket it up Harriet’s arse, I ain’t buying it. No word yet if Mr. Potato Head made the list.
Product # 4 – Do you have a lot of squirrels and birds around your tree really bugging everyone? I hear ya! Well now you can scare away God’s creatures thanks to this handy and, might I add, very life-like plastic owl that hangs from the tree and says “Hoot! Hoot!” every time these animals are in the area. Wow and the eyes even glow in the dark…just like real life owls? I bet squirrels and birds wished they had fingers so that they could give the middle finger to not only the owl, but to Harriet as well. Hoot! Hoot! Really? Does an owl even say “Hoot?” I think they say “hooooo” or “whoooooo.” Everybody knows that owls can’t pronounce their “t’s.” Duh.
