Harriet Carter Product of the Week: Now With Bad Child Models!

harriet-carter-table

Oh Jesus, child “actors.”  There’s nothing really wrong with this product in question, per se, even though fake table covers are the equivalent of puffy leather couches that are scattered around the homes of “the poors.”  It’s like if your table is all banged up just get a new one.   Don’t smother it with a flammable vinyl cover with two pointless palm tree leaf patterns on it.  Dumb.  But let’s get to what’s really important in this picture.  The kids.  I mean, it’s not this kids fault that he’s supposed to be “pretend eating” and he looks like he’s nibbling on poison pellets all whilst suffering from explosive projective diarrhea.  And, like an episode of Full House, no one ever yelled “cut” and decided to re-shoot the scene.  Nope.  This kid is totally looking at this mother off set next to the camera who is probably shaking a stuffed animal bird over her head and dressed like street-walking trash because she could never make it in Hollywood so she’s forcing her own son into “the business” to fulfill her lack of accomplishment and, well, Harriet Carter is as far as he’s getting.

And why the hell is the table tipped?  How the hell are these two supposed to eat when the table is about to flip like a prop on the Real Housewives of New Jersey?  You can even tell the blond kid on the left is looking like, “What the F is wrong with this table and where the hell is the rest of the furniture in this ghetto kitchen?!”  And why is he licking and eating with his fingers?  Maybe if mommy and daddy didn’t spend all their money on a cheap table cover they could have afforded to buy, you know, utensils.  I know utensils is a big word for you kids.  Basically it’s a “rich word” meaning “not having to eat with your snotty fingers.”

Finally, the description really pulls me in as well because it’s trying to convince us that these table coverings “mimic fine art glass.”  Oh, does it?  Because it looks more like giant skid-marked underpants to me.  Maybe junior, over there, gave the table some wet sh*t kisses.  See you brats in Juvie!

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