Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday Christmas Bonanza White-Trash-o-Palooza 2009! Ho ho ho? Why yes, yes she is. This year I thought I’d do a little faux Christmas shopping in the Harriet Carter crapalog and buy you all a little something. I jest, as I am a jester. Anycheapcrap, this year Harriet makes it easier than ever to say “I couldn’t give 2 sh*ts” without having to say “I couldn’t give 2 sh*ts.” She’s good like that. Santa’s sleigh is about to take off into “the sky” (yawn) so let’s go before “he” forgets to put these “gifts” into his “sleigh” and “deliver them” to all the “good” boys and girls all around the “world.” I mean, personally I think if all the little boys and all the little girls in the past were actually “good” then maybe there wouldn’t be war….or diseases. Just something to think about whilst your wrap your gifts. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – “Billy get downstairs! I don’t care if you don’t want to wear it. You’re wearing it! Now march your awkwardly shaped legs up the two steps in the trailer to your half bedroom/half bathroom and put on your blood red Rudolph sweatshirt because we’re just about to open up our TV trays, put on the black-and-white television and have our 9 piece Chicken McChristmas Dinner. And once you put that sweatshirt on that has a jacked up collar (is it a turtleneck or not? Make up your mind!) I want us all to sing all the wrong lyrics that are on it. I’m not sure what Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer song goes like this: “Oh…Rudolph with your nose so bright…Lead your sleigh to my house tonight” but apparently it’s sung somewhere, by some nationality where English is their 3rd language, so we’re going to sing it to. Oh, and Billy? Isn’t it funny how the sweatshirt says “to my house tonight?” I mean, let’s face it, sweety, if you’re wearing that sweatshirt there’s no “house” to go to now is there? I guess Santa and “the universe” really have a funny sense of humor. Billy, and I want to listen to me carefully ok? DO NOT RUN whilst wearing this sweatshirt because I’m pretty sure it’s ready to burst into flames just by looking at it, so even the slightest speed could probably set is ablaze. And we’re only ok with our trailer being destroyed by a tornado or “Jesus’ Farts” as we like to call it. What? I have no idea why there are lobster claws sewn into it. It was on sale and we got a free bottle of Cheeze Whiz with it, so deal with it. And I want that bottle of Cheeze Whiz too ‘cuz I forgot to buy your daddy a gift this year. No, the other one. Nope, the other one. No your other daddy. No, not Tom. Nope not him either. Naw, the other one. Yeah him…I think. What? Yes you can sell it for meth money once Christmas is over. It is a family tradition after all!”
Product # 2 – Yay! It’s everyones favorite boobless doll, Flatsy! Flatsy TM Doll, that is! Oh wait, I just got it. TM. Thank God they trademarked that because you don’t want just anyone stealing the brilliance that is Flatsy. Flatsy, the bastard child of Fatsy, is perfect for any little girl this Christmas when you’re sick of them playing with Barbie and her, you know, knockers. The little girls are always like “Mommy, doesn’t the tank top look great on Barbie’s rack?” and you always have to answer “yes, honey, it really does accentuate her milk wagons.” Well, worry no more about giving little girls a false sense of beauty because with Flatsy the lesson really explains itself. As soon as your daughter says, “Mama where is Flatsy’s breastasis?” you can say, “Well, she was a bad girl and didn’t eat all her dinner so she doesn’t get to have boob-a-dellas AT ALL…so good luck getting a date to prom in 10 years!” Thanks Flatsy! Anyhuh, Flatsy may be built like a 10 year old boy, but what she’s missing in “personality” she sure makes up for with hair. Look at that long wirey hair. Mmmm sanitary! You can almost see the clumps of feces at the end of it from getting caught in her bum-bum when she’s doing Stinky Bottoms on the toilet. By the way, are those cock rings that come with the Flatsy doll? I guess if she’s lacking ta-ta’s she might as well get creative in other ways to please her man. However, once again, my personal favorite is not just the product itself, but the description as well….especially when it says, “….assorted styles: we’ll choose” Oh you will? Oh really? Well that’s pretty nice of you. Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be getting the Indian doll with the burka? We’ll choose. The balls on Harriet! You know what? When I pay during the checkout process “I’ll choose” what the amount will be that I’ll pay. Sound fair? Ugh if that Flatsy wasn’t such a crowd pleaser I’d totally empty my shopping cart right now.
Product # 3 – And what Christmas tree isn’t complete without a wedding ornament from 2008? Sure it’s 2009 but, let’s face it, 2009 really sucked. You know what year was pretty good? 2008. Let’s just keep pretending we’re in that year again. Well, I guess it was a good year for everyone except that newly married couple who are sitting on top of the flammable heart made of what I can only assume is Charmin and construction paper. That poor couple. Not only do they look like they’re about to burst into tears at a moments notice, but the wife is clearly cock-eyed. Sad, really. I bet the poor bastard didn’t even realize it until he lifted her veil and then, BAM, eyes looking east and west all at the same time, like a compass on the fritz! You can just see that look in his eyes. That look that says, “This is really it, isn’t it? This is what I got?” Yes sir, I’m afraid to say that you are correct. This was your “pick of the litter” Now please put down that gun that you are clearly hiding under your top-hat that, for some reason, you’ve decided to wear to your wedding. And I’m not quite sure if that’s the ornament chain above his head or if it’s just his noose. I think he’s just looking for someone to kick the chair out from under him and then he can just “swing his way to peace.” I’m sure, though, with his luck once swinging from the rope he would just get stuck on his brides veil that is, obviously, made out of fly paper. Eh, well like the saying goes, “There’s a lid for every pot.”
Well that concludes another segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday. I wish you all a very indifferent Christmas.