Harriet Carter and the Sex Mask

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Time for another look at some wonderfully white-trashed up items that are sold in the Harriet Carter crapalog. You would think at this point that Harriet herself would be sending some products for me to review. Is she dead? If she is, will someone dig her up and ask her? This week Harriet helps men get out of pleasuring their wives, cools down your sweaty torso, finds discounted ways to circumcise, and helps shaky Nana hang ornaments. Let’s go!Product # 1 – Hey there fellas! Are you ever not in the mood to place the “downstairs alphabet game” with your frigid wife? Are you looking for a new and innovative excuse that goes beyond “I’m tired?” Well how about this handy dandy sex mask from Harriet Carter? Simply place the straps around your head with the plastic contraption over your mouth and nose. Next, hook up the hose to what I can only assume is your vacuum and your wife will have no doubts that she has to play “pleasure you below the neck while you sleep and I’ll just take the rest from here.” It really is a wonderful game. I’m not sure why this guy doesn’t want to play sexual reindeer games with his wife. I’m always in the mood. In fact, I dry hump people on my walk to work. Typically, it’s the homeless….especially with those glittery tin-foil hats. Perhaps it’s a fetish. I don’t know what any of that means. Regardless, if your skank bag wife doesn’t get the hint that she’s not smelling like daisies down there then there is no hope left. Just shut off the vacuum and hope that Jesus takes you.
Product # 2 – Yowza! Is it hot out! Boy do I wish I had some type of material that I could soak in water and then tie around my neck to cool off! Wait, I do have one of those? Terrific! Thanks to the mad scientists over at the Harriet Carter lab, you’ll never have to pay an air conditioning bill again! All you need to do, according to the description, is soak that wrap for minutes in water and then simply place it around your neck. Brrrrr. Cold! Just think how good you’ll feel with a wet neck and water dripping down your shirt. I mean who needs a fan, really. Now if money is a little tight in your household I may have a suggestion for you. Now I’m not a qualified scientist like Harriet and her team, but I’m pretty sure if you go into the bathroom and turn on the water and place your hands under that water and then take your hands and place them on your neck and face, that will cool you down just the same. I’m a bit of a pioneer though so, personally, I like to place my dog in the freezer for 30 minutes and then take him out and have him lick my face. His tongue is as cold as ice it boy does it feel refreshing. KIDS….do not try that at home. NEVER leave a dog in the freezer for 30 minutes…….15 minutes is more than enough time. Thanks Harriet!
Product # 3 – You’re a dad, right? You don’t need instructions. You can fix things yourself. You don’t need a dentist to fix your toothache. You certainly don’t need a doctor to tell you you’re sick and you sure as hell don’t need some crappy physician circumcising your son! No no no, you can do this all yourself with some helpful household items from Harriet Carter. Take a few practice motions on last nights corn on the cob and once you get it right 2 or 3 times you’ll be ready to perform circumcisions in the comfort of your own home right there on your dining room table! What a real treat. I’ll skip the medical bill, thanks, and give this a whirl myself. In today’s tough economy many people are doing everything in their power to make ends meet. Well, why not do everything in your power to make “ends meat.” A nice “ends meat” stew with left over “parts” from the days circumcisions. I’m actually going to stop now because I’ve actually started to throw up a little in my mouth and am almost certain I can go to jail for this. Yes/no? Eh. I’m over it. Thanks Harriet, for some great “work from home” ideas!
Product # 4 – Does decorating your Christmas tree typically seem like it just goes too fast? Do you want to slow down the decorating process by about 46 hours? Well, you’re in luck because now you can put your fishing skills to use by place each ornament on your Christmas tree with what appears to be a fishing rod. After you carefully hang the ornament on the end of your Christmas Rod, simply find the branch you want (watch that shaking hand and trembling arm) and slowly, very slowly, place that beautiful gold ornament (from Walgreens) on the branch. It doesn’t matter you can barely see the branch from where you’re standing or the fact that the ornament keeps sliding off the branch, just keep trying. After you’ve attempted this a minimum of 29 times, try another branch and repeat the process. For extra family time fun, give this Christmas Rod to Grandma who’s suffering from Parkinson’s. You and the kids will be squealing with delight by watching Grandma fumble through and entire box of ornaments! Don’t worry about the broken ones that smashed off the ground, the new puppy can lick that up! Ho-ho-huh?
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