Oh. Well hello. Strange seeing you here. Welcome to the 14,538 Harriet Carter Wednesday in the year of our Lord. I have no idea what that means, but sometimes I think that if God didn’t rest on the 7th Day we could have actually had an 8th day of the week, which could have been called either Carterday or Whitetrashurday. This would have allowed us to always have a 3 day weekend. What the hell am I talking about? Perhaps it’s my new meth addiction. Nevertheless, this week Harriet trashes up your car, your jokes, and your wall. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Hey there dumb bitch! Are you a dumb bitch? I bet you are. Dumb bitches have been banging up their cars and others’ cars for decades. Let’s take this dumb bitch. You see, this dumb bitch ruined her car door because, well, she evidently drives with her head, not only, out the window, but looking up towards the sky as well. What a dumb bitch. I’m sure this dumb bitch is driving back from picking up her dumb bitch husband his dumb bitch dry cleaning. I also wouldn’t be surprised if this dumb bitch left her dumb bitch kid in his carseat…on the roof of the dumb-bitch-mobile. Maybe she wouldn’t need a giant plastic band-aid if she just, you know, looked where the hell she was going? Even the sun looking down on this dumb bitch thinks this dumb bitch really is a dumb bitch. Anyone who is reading this in Massachusetts can personally thank this dumb bitch for making your car insurance so high. What a dumb bitch. Although, we can all thank the biggest dumb bitch of them all, Harriet Carter, for bringing lazy car repair to the market. Harriet is the best. Looks like I’m the dumb bitch. This concludes a new segment within a segment that I simply like to call “Dumb Bitch.” I like it!
Product # 2 – Who’s ready to get the bag beat out of them? Well if you’re looking to get shot, stabbed, and your head cut off in the mall parking lot this holiday season, well does Harriet have the perfect thing for you! Introducing “Rude Fake Parking Tickets.” Rude Fake Parking Tickets you ask? Yes, Rude Fake Parking Tickets. The next time you are so pissed off at the person who messed up your parking space or if you’re just clinically out of your mind perhaps you can write them one of the following tickets. Try out, “Ugly Driver Violation.” That’s sweet. Or perhaps you want to be so politically incorrect you can check off “Mentally Handicapped.” Does Harriet not know that’s a real thing? Did that Japanese man park too close to you? Giving him a warning withthe “Not Driving an American Car” ticket. You’ll bothbe squealing withdelight when he discovers it and then later drives his car like a kamikaze pilot into your Ford Focus. Or get real creative when someone takes up two spaces withthe ticket that says, “Taking Up 2 Space (Jerk).” In case you didn’t know, the “jerk” at the end of that is the real zinger. Even Harriet is getting in on the fun with the description that says, “Failure to pay the fine promptly will result in the suspension of license to breathe!” Haha, oh that Harriet! She really pushes the envelope doesn’t she? Anygunshotwounds, good luck in the crowded parking lots! See you in the ER, followed by court…and then jail.
Product # 3 – Blah. I hate when people try to “Wall Art Insult” me. It’s the oldest story in the book. Boy goes to girls house. Girl opens door for boy. Boy walks in and sits down on girls couch. Girl glances up at the wall. Boy sees wall art. Boy receives passive aggressive wall art insult. Date over. Oldest. Story. In. The. Book. What the hell is a “Giveadarn?” Is that like an “Anyskank?” Sounds similar. In fact, I believe it rhymes. This is why I am always equipped with some wall art insults of my very own no matter where I go. In an instant I’m ready to nail up the wooden sign that says, “My Wallet Won’t Open if Your Legs Won’t!” If you tie a colored bow to the top of the wooden picture it makes the passive aggressive insult seem a little nicer. I’m also ready to hang up the “It Probably Smells Like Cat Piss in Here Because You Own Ten Cats….and I’m Not Gonna Fix It!” Adding the “and I’m not gonna fix it” puts the insult back on them. Create some wall art insults of your own! Oh, in the end my favorite part is the description that says, “Hang it proudly in the wall.” Yes, I think “in” the wall is the best place for it. Finally Harriet and I are on the same page!
