2 Minute Recaps: Pork You!

Back by popular demand is “2 Minute Recaps.” A spinoff of “Harriet Carter Wednesday,” watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you’re new to this, check out the explainer by clicking here. Now that we’re all settled, here’s my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making “Pork Loin.”
  • Rachel is really excited to be cooking something new since all she seems to eat is “chicken flavored chicken with a side of chicken!” I know how she feels, although I typically eat turkey flavored chicken with a side of shut the F up.
  • This time the pork is going to be Asian flavored and something tells me that Rach isn’t going to be so great with Asian anything. Oh, there we go. Yes, Rachel is visibly relieved that she doesn’t have to go to Chinatown to pick up the ingredients. I’m sure she’s relieved only because when she is in Chinatown she typically has to do the $2 dollar sucky sucky. For $5 dollars she does everything. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Chef Will just made a crack about saving a couple of dogs. Uh yeah, like Asian people eat dogs. Real nice Will.
  • What the hell is “Chef Will” talking about? Why would you marinate your pork loin in the sink or dishwasher? Do people do that? Really? I usually marinate my pork loin down my pants. That’s normal right? I make sure its in the front of my pants because there’s too much skid mark build up in the back of my pants. I’m disgusting.
  • Oh Christ! Rachel almost suffers from a stroke when Will talks about cooking couscous. Oh snap Will even insults Rachey Poo and everything. They’re a sweet couple. They’ll have brilliant children.
  • Gross. That pork looks like pigeon popsicles. No thanks.
  • Insert Sexual Innuendo Here: We all have our first times. Oh Will. I bet you want to pork more than just your main course.
  • Rachel legit only eats the couscous…..because that makes sense….because that takes 2 seconds to cook. Finally, Rachel is so impressed with herself that she made pork. Yeah, you didn’t make a thing. You used Will for his cooking expertise and for his pork loin…and his meat. Pig!

Well kids, this is the one of the last 2 Minute Recaps as Chef Will and Rachey haven’t cooked anything new in weeks. Let’s hope they didn’t get canceled!?

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