Dancing With the Stars Recap: Teef, Abs, New Faces, Golden Wings. Yup.

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Well, well, and well. Gather around girls and boys because I want to talk to you all for a minute. Are you listening? If you two don’t stop fighting I swear I’ll separate you and you’ll go live with your mother in her crack-den. Ok, now that we’re all on the same page I have to say I HAVE decided to check out Dancing With the Stars strictly because I feel that we, as a nation, owe it to Audrina “Teefs” Patridge (or “Tats Pats” for short) to show our support since she so selflessly gave of herself during the 14 consecutive seasons of The Hills. Oh, and by “support” her I, of course, mean “make teeth and eye jokes to a whole new audience.” I’m doing my part. Will you do yours?

I’m also interested in seeing Grandpa Situation dance stars into his scalp and make me red with embarrassment when he starts talking with his fake “southern style” (yo, yo y’all) in front of all of “The America.” Also, perhaps Snooki will be in the crowd and a boob or three will pop out. Sky is the limit.

So, folks, let’s try this once and see how it goes. I honestly can’t imagine watching this for 4 hours per week for the next 12 weeks, so I’m dipping my toe into this greasy hot-tub to see if I get a disease.

  • We’re about 10 seconds in and I already want to quit.  Although Audrina did give us all some nice side-teeth action.  Also, Margaret Cho almost fell down the stairs and, quite possibly, Florence Henderson and Jennifer Gray may have swapped faces or just bought new ones altogether.  Tough call.
  • I’m already embarrassed, but am pleased that Audrina has already said she’s “excited about her Cha-Cha.”  Beaver teeth and her Cha-Cha?  Que suerte!
  • These “behind the scenes” scenes are great.  I was just waiting for Justin Bobby to bust out and try to do a line off Audrina’s rack.  Maybe next episode?
  • Well, she came busting out like Tweety Bird on a meth binge and, well, I think she did good.  She did, right?  I was thinking the judges may have said she needed to keep her eyes open more, but they thought she did well.  It’s like she shook the pages of The Hills script off her hips and Cha-Cha-cha’d the cue cards into the crowd forever.  Wow, I just got, like, deep and junk.
  • “I can’t believe all this is going on and Lauren’s not even here.”
  • Ok I think I may have missed a few people.  You see, I was busy punching myself in the nuts over and over again and drinking Bleach.  Basically, I’m swamped right now.  I caught the middle to the end of whom I believe is Gary Coleman having multiple seizures on the dance floor.  I’m just glad that he’s really not dead.  First Gary Coleman and next thing you know Anna Nicole will be doing the Pasodoble to a remix of “You Like My Body….You Want Some Monnnnnney.  You want a Viper?” on a constant loop.  Here’s to wishing.  Anyway, the chick whose name I’m pretty sure is “CarryAndYourHardon” basically did naughty boom boom to herself over the dance.  In fact everyone liked it.  Also, I believe Bruno is a standard Level Three and should be legally obligated to introduce himself to all the contestants.
  • Do you think Vanessa Williams will be phoning in her vote for Rick Fox?
  • So, um, Cheryl Burke is up to Rick Fox’s “diddily-deedily-doo” right?  I’m sure that little minx will be springboarding off his pee-pee and doing one of those spins that ends up with her crotch in his face and her legs in the air as he spins her around.  And then they’ll start to learn a dance.
  • I’m sorry may I please have the specific names of the singers who are butchering some of the “Aerosmith” that “the kids” are wild about?  I just want to write a few quick letters.
  • All the judges loved Rick Fox and lets just assume Bruno is giving himself a handy under the table.
  • Why is Jamie Lee Curtis in the front row?  Are they filming Freaky Friday Part II: Lohan Boogaloo?  If her seat goes empty in the next few minutes we can bet that damn Activia just kicked in.  Activiaaaaaa!
  • Oh hi Margaret Cho.  Oh hi.  Yeah.  Yes.  Those tattoos are very pretty and they really make your FUPA pop in that dress.
  • What in the holy hell is she doing with those gold butterfly wings and why am I liking it?  Clearly this was a strictly comedic performance.  Seriously brilliant.  What’s the phone number because I’m calling in my vote.  I’ll also be making t-shirts that say “It’s Time to Cho Down!”  Seriously that’s a good idea.  If someone takes it I’m suing.
  • So this is really on for 2 full hours and we’re not going not going to pretend that’s not ok?  Ugh.  Where’s my bleach?
  • Unless Brandy is singing “The Boy is Mine” I’m not interested.  Well, she could sing “Sitting Up in My Room.”  Actually, she could sing “Full Moon” too.  Hmm.  Odd, I like Brandy’s music.  Well you heard it here live.
  • Brandy did a good job, I think.  I mean I have no idea what constitutes good dancing, but I really think Brandy is a fine girl and what a good wife she would be.  But my life, my love, and my lady is the sea.
  • Brandy got a 23 from the judges and literally fell to her knees in front of her partner with the beard.  Is it odd for her to start and finish her performance the same way?  Too bad Monica wasn’t on this too.
  • Annnnd enter Kate Gosselin Bristol Palin.  She definitely deserves to be on this.  She’s barely even moving on the dance floor.  How she ever got pregnant is beyond me.  They’re also dancing to Mama Told Me Not To Come, which is ironic because I’m pretty sure that’s the advice Levi Johnston was trying his best to follow.  Obviously that didn’t work out.  In conclusion, she should totally have unprotected sex to loosen herself up.  Just a tip. Or is it just the tip?  Either way, that.
  • Florence Henderson is swearing like a truck driver and her dress is slit right up her Henderson.  Therefore, I give her a 10.  I also give her a couple of extra points for her face being pulled back as tight at Margaret Cho’s golden wings.  So, basically I give her a 12.  Move her on to the next round.  Betty who?  Oh, White.
  • I feel like I’m watching the Jerry Lewis telethon.  When will this end?  How are there still 40 minutes left?  Do, like, 25 more couples still need to go?
  • Time for Michael Bolton.  Next.
  • Sprinkle on your pubic lice powder (does that exist?) because Grandpa Sitch has just taken the stage. Someone please light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.  The good news is that he’s slightly (slightly) moving faster than Florence Henderson, but he’s slightly slower than M. Cho’s gold wings.  It’s a real tough call.  Luckily, Grandpa Situation’s sister is in the audience, which means that Vinny can’t be that far behind, or can Snooki.  These are all good things.  I am a little surprised, however, that Sitch did such a crappy job since he’s had two seasons of trying to duck punches and slaps, especially from JWoww ShamWow.  You’d think that was more training than should be contractually allowed.  In the end, he got all 5’s which, ironically, is the same amount that Angelina Trash Bag’s got paid for her 2nd season of Jersey Shore.  Hey-oh!
  • Up next is Jennifer Grey and her face.  I know this is such old news, but I still can’t get over how completely different she looks with her nose changed.  She looks good, don’t get me wrong, but she looks like a whole new person.  Like Florence Henderson.
  • Everyone loved Jennifer Grey.  I couldn’t help with think of Grey Goose and how much I missed Vodka on Monday nights.  I shall bring this back next week.
  • Finally we’re just about done.  We end with The Hoff, just like it should be.  I have no idea what they means or why I said that.  Perhaps it’s the bleach.  Perhaps it’s the continuous punches to “da nuts.”  Perhaps it’s because I’m saying “perhaps” a lot.  One may never know.
  • Personally I think The Hoff should not dance, but instead just eat a hamburger off the ballroom floor.  Haha, ballroom.
  • Hoff’s song is “Sex Bomb.”  Clearly it should have been “You’re Bombed.”  Actually it should be “Why Am I Not Bombed?”  I hate it when I have to watch “the olds” dance.  It makes me never want to get old.  Or maybe it makes me never want to dance.  The point is, it’s finally over.

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