Dancing With the Stars Recap: So When Can We Start Up “Audrina and Grandpa Situation are Dating” Rumors?

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Time for another crapisode of Dancing With the Stars.  The day when Audrina and Grandpa Situation get the boot is the day I put a fork in this recap.  Until then, here’s what went down last night on the 23 hours of DWTS:

  • Brooke Burke has what appears to be cones for breasts so, well, we’re off to a good start.  Also, Tom Bergeron can easily be replaced by any 2nd tier Muppet.  I’m talkin’ “Guy Smiley” for starters.
  • Ugh this is the part which always makes me want to deny my citizenship and move to Tajikistan.  Why do they all have to stand in a line whilst the camera scans them and they all make odd faces or peace signs into the lens?  It’s like, stop pointing at me and start working on your quick-step.  Also, I’m pretty sure that in minute 2 of this Jennifer Grey is trashed.  Is it wrong that deep down I hope she’s the town drunk and only gets drunker as the season goes on?  I mean, I know I am so it only makes sense that she does too.  I’ll pretend she’s my drinking buddy and my beer goggles will turn her back into Jennifer Grey circa 1988.
  • Cheryl Burke and Rick Fox are kicking things off.  Oh, and I just punched myself in the jaw for knowing “Cheryl Burke’s” name.  I will be starting with punches in my jaw and will most likely be  throwing upper-cuts to my nuttsies by the half-way point.
  • They’re doing the jive to some song where they keep singing “I’m just looking for some tush” and then Cheryl shows us her underwear that says “TUSH” on her bum-bum.  It should say “Dumper” and then she should have a little arrow pointing to her mouth that says something sweet and classy like, “Jizz Dumpster.”  Hey, it’s just a thought.  You may have your own costume ideas.  Oh, and then they danced.
  • The judges loved it.  I thought they were just seizing for 1.45 seconds.  Apparently I have a lot more to learn.  As an important sidenote, Bruno needs subtitles and I need another drink.
  • Time for a little Florence Henderson and a little quick step.  And here’s something I never thought when I was growing up I would end up saying:  Did you see in the “behind the scenes” footage Florence Henderson was showing a lot of cameltoe?  Especially when she was in the green J Lo jumper.
  • I thought Florence Henderson reading lines with Robert Reed/Mike Brady every week during the 70’s was the gayest thing she’s ever done.  Apparently I was wrong and this is it.  She’s moving pretty fast for someone in her early 100’s.  I’m pretty sure I just saw Willard Scott throwing a jar of Smuckers at her when she ran on by.
  • The judges didn’t love it overall, but thought it was ok.  She should automatically get at least a “7” if she completes the dance without pissing through her dress.  Basically what I’m saying is that old people piss a lot and probably even more if they have one leg in the air.
  • Florence got a 19 out of 30 which is ironic since Flo had her Sweet 16 in 1930.  Very symbolic, very symbolic.
  • Brandy’s turn!  She’s fighting with Max and she’s also fighting with his beard.  They too are dancing the jive and are dressed like “nerds.”  Well, they’re dressed like nerds with cameltoe, reverse cametoe and also nerds with a skirt about two inches from their chooch-chooch train.
  • Is it just me or does Brandy kind of stinko?  You mean to tell me they never had a jive episode on Moesha?  Remember when they made over Cinderalla with Brandy and Whitney Houston?  Yeah, so I’d rather be watching that right now.  Either that or remember when Rudy from The Cosby Show made over Pollyanna?  Great piece of television right there.  You think you can somehow order that VHS?  It may have just been on Beta but I’m sure it’s floating around online somewhere.  Oh, and Brandy finished her dance.  No offense, but I’ve had about enough.  This dance belongs to me. The. Jive. Is. Mine.
  • Sarah Palin is in the front row and she’s dressed like a leather dominatrix.  Basically she’s dressed like Julie Chen when she hosts the live eviction night on Big Brother, but you get my point.
  • I’m a few minutes behind, I think, but Michael Bolton looks like he may have SARS because he’s wearing one of those masks.  You know what he should do to help up his scores?  Grow back that sick mullet!  You know, perm it this week and then braid the absolute piss out of it next week, like Butch from Teen Mom.
  • Well Jesus Christmas now he’s crawling out of a dog house on the stage with a sign that says “Bolt” on the house in question.  When the F did this S turn into Kids Incorporated?!
  • Seriously what the hell is Bruno saying?  If I were in the audience I would stand up and shout, “Unless you pronounce your words correctly or write them down so we can read it, we all have no idea what in the holy hell you’re saying.”  Just me?
  • This 2 hour crap is killing me.
  • Oh wait it’s Audrina “Teefs” Pats!  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it because she stole Snooki’s freakin poof and spray-tanned the absolute piss out of herself.  She’s also dressed like a skanky peacock with beaver teeth and sleepy eyes that’s trapped in a blue sparkly hunters net.  That, of course, should have been mentioned first.  I apologize.  Anyway, during the “behind the scenes” Audrina lets us know that she’s “sacrificed everything for the show.”  Oh really?  Like what?  Have you given up Tweeting and staring into outer-space?  Oddy starts crying because she misses her family and her boyfriend.  Boyfriend?  Please dear Jesus Claus let either Justin Bobby or Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono pop out from behind the camera and yell “You’ve been Punk’d b*tch!  Now get back to the set of The Hills for a secret taping of Season 7!”  Ugh.  One can only dream.
  • I haven’t seen Audrina move this fast since trying to fight Kristin Cavallari when she came back to the show and yelled, “You’re messing with the wrong girl, dude!”
  • Seriously I hate to admit this, but Audrina does a really good job, I think.  Especially for not having any experience with basically anything in life.  And, even better I think (I think) I saw Audrina’s mom in the audience and, if it’s her, this is exactly where she gets the “family teeth” from.
  • I’m not sure what is going on, but since Audrina didn’t get three 8’s apparently her dance partner has to wax his legs.  Is this an overall ballroom rule?  I’m still learning this “sport.”  If he has to wax his legs, Oddy should have to wax her Patridge.  Fair is fair.
  • Well there you have it.  Jennifer Grey is starting this dance basically spread eagle with her arse in the air.  10!
  • Go Jennifer! Go!  She’s literally dancing her face off.  Hey-oh!  Oh come on there are only so many times I’m going to be able to use jokes like that.  Who am I kidding I’ll be using them week after week.
  • Is Jennifer Grey related to Jaime Lee Curtis?  She’s in the audience again.  Maybe they’re “late in life lesbians?”
  • The judges loved it and gave them a 24.  Also, I believe Jennifer Grey is either going to puke or die.  Either way, it should be filmed.
  • Up next, M. Cho.  I hope she comes out on a unicycle.  She is dressed like a cheerleader in trouble, so hopefully this will be good.  Eh, it was ok.  I think she was really trying so that kind of sucks for me.
  • How do people watch this week after week?  It’s like you work all day, get home from work, and then watch this until it’s time to get up for work the next morning.  This is no way to live.  I need my reality shows in 30 minutes increments.  Even 60 minutes is pushing it.  120 minutes?  Illegal in some countries…like New Mexico, I bet.
  • Back to the show.  Webster and Stephanie Pratt are up.  She dressed like a tissue box.  Is everyone just doing the same dance tonight?  That’s what it looks like to me.  Actually, I stand corrected.  This chick looks like Roxy Olin and not Stephanie Pratt.  Simple mistake.  I should get points for just not slipping into a coma.
  • Kurt Warner and that chick with the red hair.  I’m sure they’re dancing but I’m busy working on my dirt-nap plan.  Next.
  • Finally it’s time for Grandpa Situation!  Why can’t he and Audrina just do back-to-back dances all the live-long-day?
  • Now is Grandpa Sitch actually dancing or is this the typical mating ritual for getting the girls from “da club” into the hot tub?  He looks as embarrassed to do this dance as I am to sit here for 14 hours and watch it.  And how is he less tanned during this show than he is on Jersey Shore?  More importantly where the hell is Snooki?  Why isn’t she in the audience?  Maybe she’s giving “headers” to Bolton in the dog house?  Probably.  In the end CarrieAndYourHardon asks Grandpa Sitch what his shoe-size is because he’s “pigeon-toed” to which Grandpa Sitch responds, “Oh, thank you.”  Blargh.  He better save this money.
  • We’ve finally made it to the last person.  Bristol Palin.  I guess it makes sense that we’re ending with a bang.  Bristol is wearing the Prom dress that she never go to wear because, you know, she couldn’t make it to Prom since she had a human exiting her vag.
  • So if Bristol lost about 25-30 pounds are we all on the same page that she’d be Farrah from Teen Mom?  I’d love to see Debra chasing her around the dance floor with a couple of butcher knives and that beloved trash claw.
  • Ugh they’re dancing to “You Can’t Hurry Love” which is like the American Idol equivalent of “Sugar Pie Honey Bunch.”  I’ve literally pulled down my pants, took out Mr Winko and then slammed my laptop shut directly on it…over and over again.  And over.  And over.

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