More Mindless Stories on ‘white trash’
16
It’s the Great Generic Halloween Costume, Chuckie Tan!
Ahhh nothing rings in the Halloween season like companies selling costumes of famous people that they don’t own the rights to. With a little crafty name change, now you can dress up like your favorite fauxlebrity too….almost….sort of…..ish. Here are some of my favorites (now with new updates!) with my thoughts and guesses on who exactly they’re talking about. And don’t forget to click the “Recommend Button” to share this will your creeptastic, yet spooktacular (see what I did there?) friends on Facebook. Speaking of which, click here to join me on my Facebook page. Boo!
~ You’ll be crying “boo” like the littlest pork chop in Seaside when you sport this costume for the ever popular Sun-Tanned Baby and Sling. Pork chop power! My guess: Most likely Amanda Bynes.
~ Da da da da, da da, da da please don’t touch this. Now you can be like everyone’s favorite 90’s rapper, MC Screwdriver. All your friends will be squealing with delight, sipping on their Twisted Tea’s, and testing our meth in their trailer when you show up in this costume that wasn’t funny then and isn’t funny now. My guess: Literally Vanilla Ice.
~ “Hi hi hi, lime tall man!”
~ Get ready to pleasure yourself in the back of a theater because this year you’re dressing up as Adult Bow Tie Guy. Why they didn’t just go with “Level III Sex Offender” is beyond me. When you ring that doorbell during trick-or-treating be sure to say Adult Bow Tie Guy’s famous phrase, “I do know that you are that, but what would I be?” My guess: Brody Jenner (post Hills).
Go get your can of “Spanish” and call your main squeeze, Canola Oil, because this year you’re dressing a Sailor Man. Yep, just plain old Sailor Man. Clearly this is Sean Penn.
~ I’m sure when your little ones are watching Sesame Street they’re typically thinking, “Good God I want to do sex (whatever that is) to Cookie Monster!” Well now you can make their dreams come true by dressing up as the sassy (?) slutty version of Cookie Monster. C is for cookie and it’s also for “…U Next Tuesday” and you’re sure to look like one when you put this on. It’s highly likely you’ll have your cookie eaten by the end of the night. Skank.
~ When you wish upon a (porn) star you can now dress up as everybody’s favorite Doucheney World character, “Ms. Mouse!” The skirt, of course, stops right right below your “mouse greeter” so that you can land Dickney Mouse at the character breakfast Halloween party. You just better make sure the carpet matches the tail! White nylons not included, but we recommend “knee highs” for extra easy access to your mousetrap.
~ Before there were “talking pictures” there was Charlie Chaplin and before there was Charlie Chaplin there apparently was Charleston Chap. And, well, we’re still pretty much in a recession and times they-are-a-tough so you’re going to save a few dollars and go for the Charleston Chap costume. Plus, simply remove the hat and, PRESTO, you’re Hitler. Because deep down at the end of the day, you kind of are. You kinda are.
~ If you ever wanted to dress up like the bastard child of Rhea Pearlman and Cher then this is the costume for you. Not sure why they’re welcoming us to the jungle….oh wait….I get it. It’s Darlene from Roseanne. Fail.
~ Hey kids, it’s time to dress up like everyones favorite character from the B-Team, Mr Hammer! Don’t forget to say Mr Hammer’s famous catch-phrase, “I’m feeling terribly sorry for the dumb-dumb!” Obviously, this costume is the father from Family Matters, Carl. Fail.
~ “Hey Mom? Can I dress up like a Eurasian Traveler this Halloween? I can? Super!” My guess on this sexy-times costume is going to be….um…uh….how ’bout Schneider from “One Day at a Time.”
~ Sing along with me! “Green Candy Factory Worker doo-pa-dee-do, I’ve got another costume for you. Green Candy Factory Worker doo-pa-de-da soon you’ll be living in Green Candy Factory Worker doo-pa-dee-do!.” My guess, of course, is George Hamilton.
~ Markie Post. Next.
~ Since when was “The Rachel” considered high society? Surprise all your friends at the Halloween party with your 1994 costume! Fail.
~ Who knew Michael Jackson was really wearing a Halloween Fight Wig this entire time! No joke, this is the picture they used to sell the MJ wig. Nose(s), chin, and diddle-fingers sold separately. Please note, orders made before Friday at 2pm will actually be delivered by La Toya Jackson.
~ Being a random mother of eight babies is all the rage this Halloween. For an extra payment of $19.99 we’ll help your vagina explode. My guess? Rashida Jones. Thank you.
~ Ever wanted to be a nameless Disc Jockey? Well now thanks to this nameless Disc Jockey wig, you can! All you need to complete this costume is some vagina jokes (sold separately). Of course this costume is Oprah.
~ Oh don’t you worry, I won’t say no no no to this wig, especially when I’m at the “rehab center.” Last years funny costume is this years less-than-creative-choice. Simply place the beehive wig on your head and you don’t even have to worry about telling your friends that you couldn’t think of anything this year. So who could this “rehab wig-wearin’-slut” be? Bindi Irwin.
24
Ali is Over This Sh*t
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If this was read like Leah’s 4th grade reading-level voiceover it would say, “Hey y’all. This is a picture from my weddin’. I was so glad that US Weekly was in the woods with us to take these pictures and that hunters didn’t shoot Corey and all the groomsmen because they were wearin’ camo y’all!”
I have to admit I’m pretty pumped for the wedding next week, but I’m getting nervous it may not be filled with as much comedy gold as I’d like. For example, Leah didn’t slick her bangs to her forehead and I don’t see soggy crunchy wet curls anywhere. The closest I see to wet hard hair is Corey’s and, well, that’s no fun. And I don’t know how much Photoshop was used on Leah on the cover of US Weekly because I highly doubt she didn’t use her standard thick tip black Sharpie to put on her eye makeup (y’all). I can only hope and pray to Jesus Claus, Santa Christ, and their teen mom Mary that Leah’s mom is in a long camo gown (or hospital scrubs with a nice Garfield print) and hair that looks like it was fried in a waffle iron.
Finally, the look on Ali’s face really sums up what all of “the America” is thinking. She’s f’n over it and wants the God-damn cameras out of her mother f’n face. She’s thinking, I’m too young to talk yet but this side-eye I’m shooting speaks volumes. I mean, I also interpret that look to say, “If you think for one second when I can grow hair that you’re going to gel the ever-loving sh*t out of it and slick my baby bangs you got another thing comin. Oh, and why am I a spitting image of my Grandma and her husband/brother?”
While Teen Mom, sadly, can’t last forever Leah and Corey should be thinking of how to have a little longevity with all of this. I have 5 words for them: Olsen Twins.
25
Dear Jesus Claus and His Teen Mom Mary, Please Let This Be a Baby Growing Inside Amber and Not Just Traditional FUPA. Amen.
I don’t even have words. I jest. Of course I have words. Many words. Some grammatically correct, most not. Anyfup, the drunken skank-a-doodles over at Radar Online have recently posted a (puke) naked photo of (burp) Roseanne Barr Amber Portwood from our beloved Teen Mom series that you may or may not have heard of. Oh you have? That’s right.
From her mini Snooki poof to the tattoo of Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure on her protruding stomach one can only think, “Maybe she’s born with it? Maybe it’s Cracker Barrel.” If it’s one thing we’ve learned from Amber it’s that she’s clearly easy, breezy, trashiful and, you know what, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I could only hope that Barb would pose like this with her trademark blue shirt scantily draped over her “gentlemen greeter.” I would like to file this under: Additional Prayers to Santa Christ.
Some are saying that this photo proves that Amber is, in fact, pregnant but until I see her crowning I won’t believe it. It would just be too good. Maybe it’s a runaway FUPA? Maybe it’s just the last 10 pounds that she can’t lose even with the cheapest crack that money can buy? I’m mostly concerned with that illusion that Ambjikistan has lost all her weight in almost every facet of her body, but not in her melon (not to be confused with her melons). Seriously, she’s like Bonk.
In conclusion the junk monster that sent this photo to Radar has claimed the following glorious statement:
- “Amber fancies herself an old-fashioned pin-up girl….she posed the way she thought a pin-up would.”
Ah yes, I “fancy” that about Roseanne too. It’s only a matter of time before the 3-way video comes out with Dan and Crystal. I’m sure Jackie will be in charge of the camera all whilst Leon throws raw loosemeat sandwiches at them from the Lunch Box. Oh Landford, what a magical place!
In more conclusion (?) the only thing that may be throwing me off that this is actually Amber is the fact that I’m pretty sure I see a fitted sheet on the bed behind her and, well, all know Amber lives in a sheet-free zone.
Long live Amber! More! More! More!
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14
Can We Talk About “Butch” from “Teen Mom”
I’m not going to lie. I watch Teen Mom on MTV. It’s good. It is. Screw you for judging me. I know you just did. You just did it again. Anytrash, every time Butch shows up on the screen I always think I accidentally sat on my remote control and changed the channel to Fox and am watching the follow up to an episode of COPS.
So Butch is the father of Tyler who goes out with Catelynn who had to give her baby, Carly, up for adoption during the last season of “16 and Pregnant.” I guess now Butch is married to Catelynn’s mom, so Butch is not only Tyler’s dad, but also Catelynn’s stepdad and Catelynn’s mom is Tyler’s stepmom, but Catelynn and Tyler are not technically brother and sister. Take a breath. Just another family tree tracing in the South!
Butch, with his rat-tail-gray-and-black-mullet has been in jail for the majority of Tyler’s life so Tyler basically hates his dad. In the latest episode, Butch may be going back to jail, from what I understand, for pushing Catelynn’s mom. Seriously, what!?! Even I can’t figure this out. All I know is that with parents who appear to be so screwed up, Catelynn and Tyler actually seem to have a great head on their shoulders and have a fighting chance of making something out of their lives. Although, secretly, I’m hoping that Butch gets his own spinoff show. Oh, and by “secretly” I actually mean, “I’m writing a letter to MTV as we speak.”
Oh Butch.
Discuss.
22
Let’s Play the "Britney Spears White Trash Spotter" Game!
This, my friends, is what I like to call a “blogger lay-up.” Britney Spears was creepily photographed in the privacy of her own home in her bikini, smoking, and with her son. Now I’m not sure if this is “What’s His Face” or “The Other One” but one thing is for certain, it’s fun to try to spot all the white-trash stuff in the photo. It’s like Highlights for adults! I picked out everything in the first photo and you get to pick out everything in the second photo. In the first photo I found the following “white-trashness”:
- Woman smoking in a bikini
- Christmas bulbs still decorated on the plants…in July
- A stray wire sloppily placed in front of an open door without a screen
- A small boy reaching for the cigarettes
- A small boy holding a lighter
Did I miss anything? What white trash can you spot in the second photo?
As a sidenote, it looks like Britney’s working out is finally paying off.
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