More Mindless Stories on ‘usweekly’

More Pointless Us Weekly Polls

Hi there American public!  Would you like to answer an Us Weekly Watercooler Poll question in which you would never actually have a chance to do what the question is asking?  Do you like to spend countless hours pondering the outcome in a dreamlike state?  If you answered “yeeeee haw!” to either of those questions then you are ready to answer the latest pointless Us Weekly poll.  This time around they’d like to know if you would want to teach Kate Gosselin how to dance.  Well would you?  Answer me!  Just think of how your life will change if you answer “yes” to this question.   I’m pretty sure it automatically means you’ll be able to.  So gas up your ‘85 Oldsmobile and start your drive to PA because Kate’s waiting for you….and she’ll need you to make sandwiches for about 8 camera-ready brats.  Thanks Us Weekly!

Us Weekly Pointlessly Random Poll of the Day

Well rest easy, America, because Us Weekly continues to rearrange their priorities and lets us know what is most important in life.  This time around they want to know who “we” are most thankful for.  Of course the options are Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.  I wonder why they chose them together?  Hmmm, odd.  Anyway, apparently “The Rachel” still has a strong hold over 72% of our country, as J. Aniston takes the top honor.  I was looking for hidden option # 3, “Death,” but it wasn’t there.  Apparently that option is only available for Tuesday nights at 10pm on MTV. 

I think the people who vote for this are the same people who think Universal Healthcare is a good option for Americans.  Yeah, I went there.  I got political.  Jealous!?

UsWeekly Pointless Poll of the Day

Hurry up and vote before they close the polls!  UsWeekly has really been thinking outside of their box and boxes recently.  This time around they want to know who you think will make the best mother.  Now normally I think this is easily solved by whomever has the “World’s Best Mom” mug with crayon doodles all over it, but apparently America will be deciding this time (sorry New Mexico?). 

Now I don’t want to ruin the results, but wanna know who lost?  We has a society.  We lost. 

UsWeekly Should Learn How to Update Their Website

Look, it is terrible, terrible, sad, sad, very horrible, terrible, sad, horrible news that Natasha Richardson has passed away after having a ski accident.  I’m not making jokes about that or think it’s funny, etc.  So don’t waste your time writing me hate mail because I’ll just print it out and throw it away, so you basically will be killing trees if you write me.  Anyway, the point is that Us Weekly is a shit-show and has always been a shit-show from their “daily polls” to their blowing of all things Heidi and Spencer, they seem to just get worse and worse.  They need to learn how to properly update their website so that their stories don’t end up writing their own jokes.  That’s all.

Debbie Matenopolous Says, "I’ll Never Marry Again"

….to which the cashier at Dunkin Donuts replied, “That’ll be $5.75, ma’am.”

Thanks for the pointless quote, Us Weekly!