More Mindless Stories on ‘tom cruise’
Mar
11
11
Why the Christ is Tom Cruise Using Lindsay Lohan’s Spray Tanning Machine?
Posted by IBBB
tom cruise 
Looks like someone hit “tilt” on the Lindsay-Lohan-Spray-Tan-o-Meter! Seriously, why would Tom Cruise do this to himself? I bet little Suri Claus was behind this. I bet if Tom and Katie spray-tanned Suri she’d look like a little Oompa Loompa. Bitch. She’s as bad as Bindi Irwin. Whore-faced-skank.
Tom Cruise was out in Tokyo promoting the life out of Valkyrie at the Ritz Carlton. That all sounds terrible. The movie. Tokyo. Tom Cruise. All of it. As a sidenote, he’s starting to get his mothers teeth. Ever see those son-of-a-bitch chompers? Yowza! Very similar to the Grinch when the bugs would crawl through his teeth.
Feb
19
19
Oh Well Isn’t Everything Just Perfect in Suri’s Life!?
Oh so she gets to dress like a princess and share a special made-up handshake with both Mickey and Minnie Mouse? Eh, life must be tough. I bet Suri Claus didn’t even have to wait in line like the rest of the 45,391 kids who don’t even get to shake Mickey’s hand let alone look at him. I bet some 250 pound bodyguard stood over her with a golf-sized umbrella so that the sun didn’t make her too hot or have to squint. Yeah, life’s a challenge. Look at the way she’s looking into the camera with that mocking “I’m better than you” look in her eyes. You’ll pay, Suri Claus, you’ll pay!
Dec
18
18
Eck! How Drunk is Suri!
Seriously, what a mess! I mean, how drunk is Suri!? Tom Cruise may be all over the place promoting the ever loving piss out of his new movie, “Hitler Was Just Misunderstood” but he should be tackling some family issues, stat. These family issues are, of course, Suri being a fall down drunk. Look at her! She’s so trashed she has to be carried out of Katie Holmes play, “All My Sons.” And did you ever notice how Suri seems to slur all of her words all of the time? Even Katie is forced to carry Suri’s brown paper bag of wine. Someone get Suri the help she needs and get her the help now! Is there a height restriction to checking into Promises Rehab?
Aug
25
25
Time to Play: Who’s Who?!
Ok I’ll give you a hint. This is Tom Cruise, the actor, and Katie Holmes, the actress. Ok that’s all the clues I’m giving. Now, you need to guess which of these people is Tom and which is Katie. Don’t let the open toe shoes fool you. Don’t let ‘em fool you.
Tom and Kitty-Kat-Katie sported matching haircuts and “sports-coats” as they left Katie’s rehearsal in NYC over the weekend and then stopped for a bite to eat. Speaking of bites to eat, I stopped for a bite to eat while I was in Boston this weekend. It was good. Thanks for asking.
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Aug
12
12
Katie Continues Her Reign of Never Showing Her Teeth
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were all awkward poses at the LA premiere of “Tropic Thunder.” Wasn’t Katie just in NYC the other day with Suri Claus? How did she get to LA so quickly? She must have access to some type of machine that gets you from one side of the country to the other. Those tricky Scientologists! They’re relentless with travel!
Seriously? Why won’t Katie ever show her busted teeth when someone takes a picture of her? She must be on the Olsen plan of smiling. I don’t mean to keep saying it, but isn’t Katie like 27 years old? She looks like she’s in her late 30’s early 40’s. I mean she looks good, well, good in a way like your aunt looks good when she goes to a wedding, but good nonetheless. She also looks like she’s on enough tranquilizers to stop a charging elephant.
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Jul
21
21
I See Your Dead Eyes, Katie Holmes. I See Them.
Tom and Katie may have been enjoying their Sunday at the Red Bull US Moto Grand Prix in Laguna Seca, CA but that doesn’t mean that I’m not doing to see behind those half-tinted sunglasses, Katie Holmes. Seriously, she looks dead. Dead in the eyes and dead in the body. Wasn’t Katie Holmes hot at one point in her life? Isn’t she like only 26? What in the hell happened? She literally seems lifeless. She’s not even fun to look at anymore. Thanks, Tom. At this point I think that it’s unfair that they have earplugs for the noise, but I don’t have a blind fold whilst looking at these pictures. Give me my old Katie back. You know, the Katie that was on Dawson’s Creek that was all whiny and had bad teeth? But at least she had longer hair and didn’t look like she was a walking corpse.
Jul
07
07
Katie Holmes Knocked Up Again, Again?
It wouldn’t be a new month without some new “Is Katie Holmes Pregnant” rumors. Katie Holmes and her elf-life husband, Tom Cruise, took their bowl-cut-sporting daughter, Suri, out for a little America the Beautiful festivities in Colorado and even though they may have tried to take the focus off Katie by placing a couple of American flags into Suri’s head and Tom wearing a cowboy hat, all are looking at that 1 inch space at the bottom of Katie’s sweater that shows some of her robot stomach that isn’t looking as flat as the public would like it. Therefore, people immediately assume she is pregnant. Personally, I say leave her alone and let her live her life! No, I’m totally kidding. I say she’s a little bloated and is trying to drum up some press for her that new Broadway play she’s in, “All My Sons” that isn’t selling well. It would have helped a little more if Katie placed one hand on her stomach and the other hand on her back. Come on, get with it Katie. Whore.
May
05
05
Tom and Katie Twin That Shit Out
What’s that saying? Couples who dress alike…..are f’n douche-bags. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s it. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes really brightened things up in all black whilst attending The Country Girl while in New York City this past weekend. Tom does his best shit-eating-grin and Katie does her best to look like a 42 year old mother of 4 who is going out for a special “date night” with her husband who got the night off from working at the factory. Remember when Katie was cool when she was on Dawson’s Creek? Ok, well she wasn’t cool but I thought she was kinda hot in a “I wouldn’t hit on you if you weren’t on TV” kind of way. But now, every time I see her I just think “middle aged mom.” She looks like she’s two steps away from combing her hair up and to the side and putting on one of those green hospital gowns that those Polygamy Sect women in Texas wear.
Feb
22
22
Katie Mocks Tom, I Mock Both of Them
It’s nice to see the visual definition of “shit eating grin.” Katie “Curly Sue” Holmes and Tom Cruise were robotic hand in robotic hand at the “First Annual Essence Black Women In Hollywood” event at the Beverly Hills Hotel the other night. This is fitting as I’ve always viewed this couple as 2 strong black women.
They do say that couples start to look like eachother after a while. I actually think Katie has replaced her old teeth with a little something more “Tom tooth-like.” I would also like to take this time to state that Katie Holmes is 29 years old. 29. No, not 49. 29. She looks like she’s about to shoot a commercial for Boniva.
Nov
05
05
Katie Runs Marathon, Tom Wears Tucked In Turtleneck
Katie Holmes ran the 26-mile New York Marathon, while Tom wore a tucked in turtleneck and waited for Katie to finish. I wonder if Katie is building up her endurance to finally make a run from Tom and Scientology. Forget that, Scientology will always end up finding you no matter where you run and hide.
Bonus points to Katie for almost giving a sneak peek of the cameltoe. Marathon Cameltoe? Could be a first. I’ll look into it. Tom is about a pants size away from showing a little cameltoe himself (shutter). Why are his close always 2 sizes too small? Do people still wear turtlenecks? Do they still tuck them in? Diddler, yes. Real people, not sure.
Sidenote, why didn’t Suri run? She’s so f’n lazy. She at least could have walked the rest of it if she got to tired to run. You KNOW Bindi Sue Irwin would have run it. Way to bring up a real quitter, Tom and Katie. Way to go.
Oct
22
22
Tom Cruise Holds Suri Like He Holds a Football…Not Right.
Posted by IBBB
tom cruise 
Senor Tom Cruise was out and about in the streets of NYC with his daughter, Suri. Tom is basically holding Suri the same way that he holds a football…not right. It’s like he’s trying to hide something. Maybe he’s pregnant? I have no clue what Scientology can do to you. Anyway, I’m sure it’s hard work trying to carry your kid (who is too useless to start working and contributing to the family’s financial empire), dodge the paparazzi, all while sporting your wife’s haircut. Bangs is the new mullet.
As a sidenote, what in the hell is Suri starring at? Rude. Don’t Scientologists teach their kids specifically not to stare? They do, right? Maybe Suri wouldn’t be so nosey about everything if her mother was allowed to scream during the birthing process. Anyway, Suri is the new Bindi Irwin. Sorry Bindi, hit the bricks you tramp.
Jun
18
18
Tom, Katie, and Crew Still Dress Like A-Holes at Every Sporting Event They Go To
The Cruise-Beckham’s were out in full force to show a little support (and a ‘man-crush’ for Tom) for David Beckham and Real Madrid vs. Mallorca. Are the three characters seen above for f’n real? I don’t care how much money you have, why are you wearing that to any type of sporting event. Ever been to the bleachers in Fenway, Poshtoria? Yeah, you’d be thrown into the field with your kid still stuck to you. Sadly, Katie looks the most normal, but it’s doubtful she has any clue where she is or what she is doing. She almost seemed puzzled with the “clapping motion.” Next up is Poshtoria. I’m sure every little kid wants there mommy to be showing up to daddy’s soccer game with her boobs hanging out. And finally, we have saved the best for last. Yes, Tom is wearing what looks like a possible 3 to 4 piece suit to a soccer game. Suit to a soccer game. Suit. Soccer game. Suit. Soccer. I mean he does have a point. How in the hell are you supposed to down some beers and hot dogs if you don’t have your cuff links securely fastened to your bright purple-pressed shirt. And there’s absolutely no way in hell you fully enjoy yourself if you’re not wearing your 5 button suit vest buttoned all the way up. Clearly, they all blend in.Who Shot This Crew!?!
Jun
14
14
Katie Gets Tom’s Haircut
Now did Katie get Tom’s haircut or did Tom get Katie’s haircut? It’s a tough one. It’s like what came first, the chicken or the egg? Tom and Katie left their bratty kid at home and had a nice dinner quiet dinner at Cut restaurant in Beverly Hills the other night. As a side note, when did Katie turn 42? Isn’t she like 26 or something? What a waste. She could be out every night of the week having the paparazzi take pictures of her “lady business” or she could be taking part in the latest trend, “prison sentence.” Oh wait, she kinda is serving a sentence right now. Eh, she’ll learn.
Jan
24
24
Jessica Alba & Tom Cruise to Horrify You
I think there’s an open seat at the Scientology club! Jessica Alba has just signed on to star in a horror film, The Eye, for Tom Cruise’s production company. Jessica signed this $4 million dollar deal, but all the Scientology jokes that will comes from this? Priceless. There is no word yet if Tom Cruise will co-star in the film, but either way phonebooks are already being stacked on all the chairs on the set so Tom can feel like “a big boy” when he sits down. They are starting to film this next month in New Mexico, so if you see Katie Holmes going “south” with Tom you’ll know why.
I don’t know if this is a good move for Jessica. I think I’d stay clear of the “Tom Cruise Train Wreck of Horror” for a while. Although, I typically make the wrong decisions so maybe she should go with the opposite of what I say.
By the way, these photos are of Jessica Alba pumping gas in LA yesterday….riveting, right? Well, the thought of Jessica “pumping” anything is pretty hot, so just go with it.
Jan
17
17
The Most Expensive Celebrity Clown Car
Beep Beep! Here comes the talentless mobile! I never knew that a car actually existed that could fit all of my least favorite celebrities. No joke, after the Golden Globes party, one of their cars broke down so the following people all had to squeeze into one car: Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx (rode shotgun, of course), Poshtoria Spice, Marc Anthony, Katie Holmes, and Tom Cruise. Tom rode bitch, go figure. I can’t even imagine what the conversation must have been. I’m sure Saint Jennifer Lopez put in her “Jenny from the block” CD, while Tom tried to convert the entire backseat to Scientology. Meanwhile, the driver must have fought with his thoughts of crashing the car and putting an end to his misery. Who Shot That Car Load of Talent!?!
