More Mindless Stories on ‘tom cruise’
11
Why the Christ is Tom Cruise Using Lindsay Lohan’s Spray Tanning Machine?
Looks like someone hit “tilt” on the Lindsay-Lohan-Spray-Tan-o-Meter! Seriously, why would Tom Cruise do this to himself? I bet little Suri Claus was behind this. I bet if Tom and Katie spray-tanned Suri she’d look like a little Oompa Loompa. Bitch. She’s as bad as Bindi Irwin. Whore-faced-skank.
Tom Cruise was out in Tokyo promoting the life out of Valkyrie at the Ritz Carlton. That all sounds terrible. The movie. Tokyo. Tom Cruise. All of it. As a sidenote, he’s starting to get his mothers teeth. Ever see those son-of-a-bitch chompers? Yowza! Very similar to the Grinch when the bugs would crawl through his teeth.
19
Oh Well Isn’t Everything Just Perfect in Suri’s Life!?
Oh so she gets to dress like a princess and share a special made-up handshake with both Mickey and Minnie Mouse? Eh, life must be tough. I bet Suri Claus didn’t even have to wait in line like the rest of the 45,391 kids who don’t even get to shake Mickey’s hand let alone look at him. I bet some 250 pound bodyguard stood over her with a golf-sized umbrella so that the sun didn’t make her too hot or have to squint. Yeah, life’s a challenge. Look at the way she’s looking into the camera with that mocking “I’m better than you” look in her eyes. You’ll pay, Suri Claus, you’ll pay!
18
Eck! How Drunk is Suri!
Seriously, what a mess! I mean, how drunk is Suri!? Tom Cruise may be all over the place promoting the ever loving piss out of his new movie, “Hitler Was Just Misunderstood” but he should be tackling some family issues, stat. These family issues are, of course, Suri being a fall down drunk. Look at her! She’s so trashed she has to be carried out of Katie Holmes play, “All My Sons.” And did you ever notice how Suri seems to slur all of her words all of the time? Even Katie is forced to carry Suri’s brown paper bag of wine. Someone get Suri the help she needs and get her the help now! Is there a height restriction to checking into Promises Rehab?
25
Time to Play: Who’s Who?!
Ok I’ll give you a hint. This is Tom Cruise, the actor, and Katie Holmes, the actress. Ok that’s all the clues I’m giving. Now, you need to guess which of these people is Tom and which is Katie. Don’t let the open toe shoes fool you. Don’t let ‘em fool you.
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12
Katie Continues Her Reign of Never Showing Her Teeth
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were all awkward poses at the LA premiere of “Tropic Thunder.” Wasn’t Katie just in NYC the other day with Suri Claus? How did she get to LA so quickly? She must have access to some type of machine that gets you from one side of the country to the other. Those tricky Scientologists! They’re relentless with travel!
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