More Mindless Stories on ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’
19
Toddlers and Tiaras: The One Where Fivel Mouskewitz’s B*tch Mother Comes to Life
I’m really starting to learn the ropes to the ultimate sh*t show that is Toddlers and Tiaras. Personally I think it should be called “Jon Benet’s Angels.” Either way, there’s a lot going on in this episode and by “a lot” I of course mean, “there’s a Russian mother named Marina that I am now obsessed with.” Marina, as we know, is Russian and the mother of Mia. Mia is a little 4 year old girl that I’m almost certain played Chrissy in “Growing Pains” and just never aged. Marina, of course, is the poor-mans Meryl Streep. And, because she’s from Russia, she also defaults to the poor-mans woman. If you think she looks familiar to you, you’d be correct. She can be seen in almost any black-and-white Russian photo of a woman wearing a kerchief and waiting in a long bread-line on the snowy streets of Moscow. Sorry fellas, she’s taken! Thanks to the invention of the Internet she scooped up a man who was strictly looking for Russian women over the Internet. It was love at first sidewards winky face. Marina starts things off really nice and sweet. Sure she has barely mastered the English language and butchers such words that end in “ly” or are fancy and, you know, “plural.” She’ll make everyone look at Mia’s dress because it is so “sparkle.” Is it? Is it really? Marina’s husband may have thought that buying your wife via Paypal is a ticket to all the hot Russian sex you can handle for 15 easy installments of $1999.99, boy did Marina pull the “gotcha-gotcha” on him. You see, in turn for all “da sex” he’s now been roped into a world of pageants. Even worse, little girl pageants.
Mia is a real pro at modeling like a little girl who’s just years away for trading her mouth for meth. She learns easy because her mother is patient, loving, and kind with her. I’m joking. Of course she is horrible. Marina says she’s competitive because she’s Russian and, well, if I knew anything about the Cold War, the Iron Curtain, and/or if Russia was still a country (state?) I’m sure I’d have a snappy joke inserted in there somewhere. Alas, I am bricks and always thought Social Studies was for kids who couldn’t read well and poor people. Looks like I was right? Either way, Marina (or Mama Mia as she called herself and then laughed in the camera like she’s seen her husbands penile again for the first time) makes sure to whore out Mia where ever she can. She likes to find places where the audience can’t leave. Since prisoners typically like to rape, Marina has settled on a nursing home. Because at the end of the day people sh*tting their pants whilst yelling out “Bingo!” every time someone announces “B-5″ is really all the accolades you need as little girl with teeth similar to the monsters from the Quizzno’s commercials. At the nursing home, the audience stares with fear in the eyes and hope in their heart that Jesus is calling them for sweet release. Mia dresses like a Russian doll and runs around like she’s having karate-chopping-seizures on the regular. When she’s done smoking from her scalp, the crowd claps and that one old guys continues his crusade to “look down” for the rest of his life wondering exactly which decade his junk stopped working. The answer to that is always “the 50’s.” Marina makes sure to kill her words by saying things to the crowd like, “No boo?” and “I hope you enjoy?”
It’s now time for pageant. Apparently the theme is “Old Hollywood” so I’m assuming they’re talking about Lohan. And there’s a grand prize of $10,000. Sure that’s a decent amount of money, but these mothers from Texas are acting like if their daughter wins then they can sit home from work for the next 3 years and pay off their house. I’m kidding. Of course they don’t own homes. There are a couple of other girls in this episode too. I’m almost certain the two girls are the original members of Destiny’s Child who got the boot shortly after Bills, Bills, Bills. One can’t stop sleeping and sneezing and the other one is actually pretty normal. She’ll likely land a role as the next door neighbor or kid sister if/when they bring back the UPN and Moesha. I’m praying both of those things happen, quickly. One girl forgot her dance halfway through and you could immediately notice that her mother disowned her right then and there from the audience. The other girl dressed up like a Gay Parade float and/or Nicki Minaj and kinda sang and kinda danced. Moving on.
Back to Mia. This poor girl doesn’t have a chance with her b*tch of a mother. Marina started to turn as soon as the host of the pageant cut down the time that Mia could be on stage. She immediately started twitching and sniffing. Seriously what was that? She was sniffing like she suddenly smelled sh*t and then twitched like someone threw it in her eyes. As if that wasn’t bad enough she apparently doesn’t allow Mia to see her favorite stuffed animal until pageant day. This poor little girl suddenly sees her stuffed animal, Mischa, (because everything is Russian. Everything.) sitting in the audience and just keeps hugging and kissing him. She’s looking for love and acceptance from this bear since her mother is dead inside. This will one day lead to promiscuous behavior. I may not be a psychologist, but I’m pretty sure watching hundreds of thousands of hours of reality television qualifies me to make statements like that.f Anyway, after the judge cut off Mia on stage Marina loses her mind, screams in a horrific accent, storms out of the “conference hall” and tells her husbands that everyone hates Mia. “They hates her, they hates her!” Since Mia was born with “ears” she can hear her mother say this and she books it out of the hotel room and shakes in the corner of the hallway. Like Forest Gump, and with similar intelligence levels, she should have just kept on r-u-n-n-i-n-g.
Leading by good example, Marina keeps telling Mia that she should quit because “it’s over forever” and “surprise you lose.” Awww, save some of it for the congratulations Hallmark card! The husband finally convinces Marina to let Mia finish the dumb pageant and this consists of bringing out a wicker table. Of course she makes it in time for the “celebrity fashion” portion in which everyone basically dresses up like Shirley Temple. One girl does 10 seconds of Good Ship Lollipop and then, literally, starts doing Beyonce booty-boucnes. All pedophiles please rains both hands above your head. Thank you for complying. In the end, Mia loses her sh*t because she knows she isn’t winning the $10K and Marina sits outside the whole time because she’s a horrific, terrible person. Mia does win $500 and decides she’ll go to Sea World with her winnings. Marina will barely look at her. Perhaps Mia should take a portion of her winnings to hire a black-car to drop her off at Child Protective Services.
Post Script, the girl who actually won the pageant apparently was 11 years old, but I’m pretty sure she was technically 24. Eh, whatever it takes y’all!
So that’s that. Let’s talk about these trash heaps over on my Facebook page. Let’s be Facebook friends! Spread the word…and more!
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Toddlers and Tiaras: Honey Boo Boo Child!
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08
Toddlers and Tiaras: I Once Knew a Girl Named “Honey Boo Boo.” She Got Knocked Up in High School.
Remember how in the Bible Jesus talks about doing to others as you would like done to you? Well buckle up, trash bags, because I’m pretty sure it’s time to make fun of some poor little girls thanks to a show I like to call “Toddlers and Tiaras.” Oh wait, that’s just what it’s called. Therefore, I’d like to now refer to it as, “Amber Alert: Back of the Milk Carton Babies.” It has a nice ring to it.
I have to admit I’ve never watched this show before as I feel the level of reality show I must watch needs to center around 16 year old girls who gave it up and now have a baby and a hit show. But sometimes it’s nice to broaden our horizons and raise the bar. And lower it all at the same time. So let’s chat about the latest crapisode:
All of the girls in this episode are from the part of Georgia where there are a lot of rusty tin roofs, shoeless dirty children walking aimlessly up a dirt road by themselves and carrying a stick whilst a rabid cat slowly and crookedly walks behind them, and all the moms are obese monsters where they just get out of the shower and brush their wet hair until it dries. In a nutshell, it’s heaven. Not to be confused with Heaven. We’ll get to her in a minute. But let’s start with the light of my life. Meet Alana. She’s 6 years old. She’s old enough to know how to play it up for the cameras, yet young enough to not realize that a man had actual sexual intercourse with her mother. Meet her mother, June. She’s named June because she’s as hot as the month and, let’s face it, memorizing how to spell something over 4 letters is just a set up for failure. Notice how Alana’s name consists of mainly just “A’s?” Exactly. Alana is filled with personality which is ideal in her situation because, you know, we’ve seen her family tree and, well, it ain’t pretty. She’s basically the white version of Gary Coleman with brilliant catch phrases such as, “A dollar makes me holler, honey boo boo” and “Those other girls must be crazy if they think they’re gonna beat me honey boo boo child.” She’s kinda like what would have happened to Shirley Temple if Shirley’s mother hit the sauce, pulled her out of show-biz, and got really trashy really quick. And you know what? I’m ok with all of that.
If it’s one thing we learned so far is that pageants are expensive, y’all! So June is forced to cater to her obsessive compulsive behavior of cutting coupons and turning her double-wide into Cosco. No joke she has store shelves lining her kitchen with enough deodorant, soap, and toilet paper to last her family 3 lifetimes, yet something tells me that we’ll never see those shelves empty. What I like the best about June is that she constantly sports the standard fat woman’s silk blouse, you know, the one that hangs from the Walmart rack on a thick white plastic hanger in the “intimates” department? She’s definitely a MILF (Mother is Laughing Fatly). June’s husband looks like he lost his will to live so is just rolling with the punches. Not only does he have to literally lift her stomach during delicate sexy times, but he’s forced to go along with this whole pageant lifestyle. And what’s not to love, really? I mean, June’s face is the length of her arms and at one point during her one-on-one interview she just lets out Taco Bell-style belch after she answers one of her question. It’s like the Match profile writes itself.
There are some other future cashiers girls who are trying their best to win the Precious Moments pageant as well. There’s a girl named Heaven who lives in a trailer with a busted front porch and a mother who you totally know is considered the “hot one” in the neighborhood. She has a husband named Benny, but since this is Georgia we’re talking about it’s pronounced “Binny.” Heaven has decided that for her “dress of choice” competition she’ll be dressed up as Pinocchio and her step-dad will help her out on stage, which makes complete sense because when it’s time for the swimsuit competition his nose is likely to grow. Speaking of pervs, did anyone check out the gross old men in the audience? You can spot the Level III’s by their dead giveaway prison eyeglasses and hand down their pants whilst their other hand holds up a 1988 Sony Camcorder with duct tape around the hand strap. It’s just your standard game of Pedophile Bingo at this point and we’re about to play a coverall.
There’s some other chick named Laci. Her mom was likely rejected from MTV’s Teen Mom, but that won’t stop her will to make it on the reality TV, y’all. Laci seems the most normal, which makes her a bit of a snooze. Although her mom is having her dress up as Lady Gaga in two different segments of the competition, although they only made one segment as they couldn’t get the raw meat pinned to her bikini in time. And, no, I’m not joking. Luckily they did make the segment where they put a blond fright wig on Laci and put her in a giant bedazzled shoe (?) and spilled her out on stage just in time to kinda-sorta lip-sync to some Lady Gaga song that you know TLC doesn’t have the rights to. Laci really let her mom down earlier in the day by sneaking away, which forced her parents to pull a “Brady Bunch Goes to the Grand Canyon” and basically just yell, “Bobby? Cindy?” in the parking lot looking for her. Um, I’d count the remaining Level III’s in the audience and then work back from there. P.S., is it a standard practice to try and make all these little girls look like Kim Zolciak because I’m pretty sure if that’s the case then Kim should have some residuals coming her way.
Regardless of all the girls, America’s favorite is clearly Alana. From her dressed up as a slutty Jessica Simpson with her gut hanging out (so, basically still Jessica Simpson) to her mom screaming at her during “practice” to point to her belly so the judges can see her dress, Alana is the rotten apple of my eye. I mean, I assumed her mom wanted her to keep pointing to her belly because she’s perfecting her daughters audition tape for 16 & Pregnant: 2022. When Alana wouldn’t point to her belly and June said, “Stop! Let me show you.” I basically shut the laptop on my penis and sprayed Bleach in my eyes with my “Bleach Spray For Emergency Situations Only!” plastic bottle. The best part about Alana, clearly, is “everything” but I love how during all her one-on-one interviews you could hear the producers actually laughing after all of her answers. I assume a similar situation will happen once Alana tries out the work-force in 10 more years. Perhaps she should down a couple of chugs of “Go-Go Juice” prior to an interview. For those of you in the dark, “Go-Go Juice” is the drink of choice that June gives to Alana right before she needs to get on stage. They make it seem like it’s a secret formula, but let’s face it, it’s clearly a Mountain Dew bottle with the label sloppily ripped off. Evidently 5 bags of Pixie Sticks doesn’t work anymore. Plus, that’s for babies. No really, that was the 3-5 yr olds competition. Alana is now in the 6-8 yr olds so she needs to start her addiction in a more ladylike manner.
In the end, Heaven won the title of “Most Likely To Point on a Doll Where Her Stepdaddy Touched Her” and Alana only won the “You Have the Right to Remain Silent” trophy. As my sister once said, “This actually exists. There are parts of the country where people like this actually exist. This isn’t made up. It’s like a different world. I love it.” We’ll most likely update that quote to include “honey boo boo child.” #ChildhoodObesityFTW
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