More Mindless Stories on ‘this time last year’

This Time Last Year: Teefs and Tats Pats

It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.”  Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year.  Catchy title.  Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to a night out on the scripted town with Teefs and Tats Pats….this time last year.

Me gusta when Teefs and Tats Patridge head out for a night on the town!  To me, these two are like the sluttier and toothier Olsen Twins.  Is that a word?  Sluttier?  It is.  Toothier is too.  I’m adding both to the dictionary…and the almanac…just because.  Anydeadeyes, Teefs and Tats Pats were all beaver teeth, covered beaver, sleepy eyes, and awkward smiles at the premiere of “Into the Blue 2″ in sunny Los Angeles, CA.  Audrina was sporting her best 8th grade graduation gown and her sister, Casey, made sure to show off her feminine tattoos.  Do you ever think that the photographers get pissed at these two because they never know where they’re looking?  As a sidenote there are thousands of actual actors out of work.

This Time Last Year: Tyra Goes Sexting

It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.”  Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year.  Catchy title.  Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to Tyra Banks Sexting…this time last year.

There always seems to be an upside of having Strep Throat w/ a 102 fever and dying on my couch.  You see, the upside (as thankfully shown to me from Jesus Claus or “Old Saint Christ” as I sometimes like to call him) was that I got to stay home and see what I will now refer to as “THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON TELEVISION IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I MEAN THAT (or TBTIHESOTIMELAIMT for short).  This event, of course, was an episode of the Tyra Banks show that dealt with the new teen craze called “Sexting” which, of course, is having teen girls sending sexy images of themselves and dirty messages via their cell phone!  Praise the Lord!

First off, these girls were 13-15 years old.  Gross.  Whose parents are allowing their teen daughters to go on national television and admit that they’ve sent nude photos of themselves to people in their class?  Had my fever not spiked to 103 and I started “going into the light” I would have called DSS.  Well thank God I didn’t die because I got to see the best part of the show.  I’m praying that you guys have seen this episode.  Tyra got a hold of the girls cell phone “sext” text messages and then had some adult lady read these messages like she was the court stenographer.  It was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life.  The lady in the above picture was the one of my favorites who read the messages in the following way.  She would grab the mic, look right into the camera, and start reading (monotone):

“I want to suck your c*ck and put my hot p**#y all over your f(%#ing face until you $#@”

Had I been in the audience they would have had to take me out by ambulance because I would have thrown up a lung from laughing so hard.  I literally was on my couch crying laughing.  The tears mixed with my high fever really made my face burn as they rolled down my cheeks.  Ok, here’s something else she had to read:

“I wish I could feel your %$#% in my hand.  I really wish I could see you and $#%^ your #$##%. ”

The lady could barely get through the sentence without bugging out her eyes and making grunting noises.  I would be happy watching 60 minutes of this lady reading smut with them beeping out and blurring out all the dirty words.  Amen.

I’ve only been able to find one clip of this, but it’s not embeddable, so if anyone ever finds the clip please let me know.  It’s a real treat.

P.S –> If any of these 13-15 yr old girls were my daughters and I found out what they were doing I would rip out their insides and use their bodies to stuff with drugs and go back and forth over the US border because, well, I’d be a good parent.  Ole!

This Time Last Year: Roz from Night Court

It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.”  Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year.  Catchy title.  Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to an Rachel Bilson and Roz from Night Court…this time last year.

I always assumed that Roz from Night Court wore her bailiff outfit no matter where she was.  Even though Night Court ended years ago I’m proud that she’s still committing to her character.  Very admirable.

Rachel Bilson was out and about on Hollywood Boulevard yesterday sporting her trademark hat even though it was warm and sunny.  Rachel Bilson is to a winter hat as Roz is to a bailiff outfit.  If only these were the analogies for the SATs maybe I would have scored higher….much higher.  Damn you Roz and damn you Rachel Bilson’s hat!

So, uh, nothing else to really say about Rachel.  Just kinda wanted to make reference to Roz.  That is all.  Now get outta here!

This Time Last Year: An Olsen Wore the Entire Dining Room Table

It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.”  Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year.  Catchy title.  Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to an Olsen wearing the whole dining room table…this time last year.

Looks like someone hit the jackpot at the “Papouli Checks Out of Earth” funeral yard-sale. Oopa!  Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen tossed on Papouli’s old doily and his John Lennon sunglasses (he was a real hit in the 70’s) and headed out to perform victory laps all over the streets of New York City.  Maybe she was looking for Santa so she could give him his boots back? Similar to why Uncle Jesse’s last name changed from Cochran to Consopolis, one may never know.

While my goal in life is to stalk an Olsen, I would like to expand on that because, well, Oprah does tell us to dream big.  I would like to meet an Olsen (any Olsen) and ask her every Full House question I can think of.  In return, with each question, the Olsen is allowed to pummel me with pots and pans.  Oopa!

This Time Last Year: Lauren Quit The Hills

It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.”  Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year.  Catchy title.  Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to LC breaking my heart and quitting The Hills…this time last year.

Well you have some nerve, Lauren Conrad, SOME NERVE!  I have half-a-mind to take you over my knee and give you the spanking of your life!  We’re in a recession and you’re going to pull this crap?  I should wash your mouth out with cheap gin and force you to wear your own clothing line.

As you may have heard by now, Lauren Cockpig has decided to leave “The Hills” after this season ends.  Oh yeah Lauren?  Yeah well I plan on leaving this earth after your season is over.  How dare you!

Lauren has said that she wants to focus more on her private life.  Your private life?  Your life has been private enough.  Now you stop this business right now.  I said, right NOW!  Do you know how many kids in Somalia would kill to be on The Hills?  Do you know how many people I’ve tried (allegedly) to kill to try to get myself on The Hills?

According to reps at MTV, just because Lauren Cockring is a big-old-quitter doesn’t mean they’re going to stop future episodes of The Hills.  Yes folks, The Hills will continue with such wondrous characters as Justin Bobby, Audrina, Steve Sanders, Heidi Montag, Brody Jenner and maybe, just maybe, Frankie will get bumped up to a series regular.  Oh this should all be great to watch.  Please, dear Jesus Claus, get Kristin Cavallari to replace Lauren.  Please?  I said please!

Well, thanks for nothing Lauren.  You’ll always be known as the girl who quit The Hills.  Now come and get your spanking.