More Mindless Stories on ‘this time last year’
Mar
12
It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.” Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year. Catchy title. Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to a timeless picture I’d like used in the unlikely event I go missing….this time last year…
Dear Loyal and Bipolar Readers,
I’ve been thinking. I’ve decided that in the unlikely event I were to ever go missing, or a boat I’m on flips over, or I get kidnapped by Kelly Cutrone, or I pull an Amelia Earhart, or I get locked in a trunk, or I get tossed off a cruise ship, etc I would please like someone to use the above picture that I drew of myself to send to the news outlets, online sources, and tacked onto telephone poles throughout your city.
This is all quite simple, you see. This photo that I’ve created is timeless. It’s simple. Sure I have olive colored nose and hands, but that’s besides the point. Anyone notice that picture of Chandra Levy that CNN keeps showing? Yeah, it’s like attack of the 90’s. I don’t want that done to me. I don’t want to go missing and have my parents send CNN a picture of me from 6th grade with lasers shooting behind me in the background. The photo I’ve created is much better and when I’m finally found, I won’t be embarrassed. It’s a real win-win. I don’t think there are any holes in this plan. Plus, how much are “the kids” going to love it when that picture is on the back of every milk carton this side of the Mason-Dixon (no idea where that is).
Thank you all, in advance, for your cooperation.
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB (both the real and cartoon version)
Mar
05
It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.” Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year. Catchy title. Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to The Hills gang filming scenes for the show…this time last year.
Oompa Loompa Doopity Do
I’ve got 3 Talentless Skanks For You.
Oompa Loompa Doopity Da,
Follow the Script and You Will Go Far.
What Do You Get With The Hills Season 5
Eating and Stares and Eye Rolls and Sighs.
None of These Girls Have 1 Ounce of Fat,
Speaking of Which, Where is Stephanie Pratt?
I Don’t Like the Look of It.
Oompa Loompa Doopity Do
So Very Soon We’ll See Season 5 Too.
IBBB Will Live in Happiness, Won’t You?
Like the Oompa Loompa Doopity Do!
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Feb
26
It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.” Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year. Catchy title. Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to Suri Claus being better than your dumb kid…this time last year.
Oh so she gets to dress like a princess and share a special made-up handshake with both Mickey and Minnie Mouse? Eh, life must be tough. I bet Suri Claus didn’t even have to wait in line like the rest of the 45,391 kids who don’t even get to shake Mickey’s hand let alone look at him. I bet some 250 pound bodyguard stood over her with a golf-sized umbrella so that the sun didn’t make her too hot or have to squint. Yeah, life’s a challenge. Look at the way she’s looking into the camera with that mocking “I’m better than you” look in her eyes. You’ll pay, Suri Claus, you’ll pay!
Feb
19
It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.” Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year. Catchy title. Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to my little elderly Olsen….this time last year….
I’m going to be in very big trouble, mister, for saying this, but I think my little Olsen is starting to go grey. I’m noticing a little skunk patch on the top of the indistinguishable Olsen. If you recall, Michelle Elizabeth Tanner lost her shiz when she was turning 5 and Danny Tanner and crew weren’t going to update her baby book anymore. Next thing you know, skank-bag Aunt Becky goes into labor with those horrible twins (Nikki and Alex) and they practically ruin Michelle’s 5th birthday. How rude! Sometimes I forget what I’m even writing when I get into “Full House” mode, but I beam with pride when I can remember intimate details of the episode in question.
Anytroll, Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen attended the Film Independent Spirit Awards over the weekend (for some reason) and even presented an award. I’m almost certain the award category she presented was, “Best Way to Lose Weight By Not Eating for 3 Days and Exercising Like Crazy In Order to Fit Into a Bathing Suit for Kathy Santone’s Pool Party.” The winner, of course, was Donna Jo Tanner. She thanked her “chipmunk cheeks.” It was a touching moment.
Feb
12
It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.” Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year. Catchy title. Anyway, here’s what was blogged about in regards to Lindsay No Pants drudging up the street….this time last year….
Easy, Breezy, Beautiful. Wow! Look who looks all rested and fresh as a Spring morning! Lindsay Lohan looks wonderful. Sure her hair looks like it hasn’t been brushed in 4 weeks and is filled with knots. Sure it looks like she has a black eye. Sure her leggings look like they haven’t been washed in 2 weeks, have cat hair stuck to them, and smell like bowling shoes. Sure it appears that she’s down to the weight of a 5th grader. But she looks great otherwise!
Oh, and you know that Coke is like, “Uh, yeah can you not walk around with our product so much? I mean, we’re all in a recession and could use some help with sales, but you’re not really the demographic that we’re trying to reach.”
P.S –> Bring back Crystal Pepsi!
Feb
27
It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.” Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year. Catchy title. Anyway, I was red with secondhand embarressment when I read how pumped I appeared in anticipation of Oprah’s new reality show. What a let down. Anyway, here’s what I was discussing about Oprah….this time last year.
I cannot wait for
Oprah’s new reality show to start up, called “
Oprah’s Big Give.” I was hoping they’d title it “
Oprah’s Big Hips,” but after many letters I sent to ABC requesting this were returned I guess they decided to stick with the original title. Boring. Anyway, I’m not really a big fan of
Oprah’s as I feel that people who came from nothing and had to overcome many horrific obstacles in their lives should not be rich later in life. Nope. The only people who should be rich are those that had privileged upbringings without struggle…especially none filled with dirty molestation – but I digress
and digest as I am eating whilst I type.
Moving on. I’m pumped about her new show because I KNOW it’s going to chock full of
Oprah yelling and repeating herself and then yelling again. And I saw in the preview that John Travolta is making a cameo so I will be sitting by with a beer and some popcorn just to hear
Oprah yell, “JOHN TRAVOOOOOOOLTA!” I’m hoping the focus is mainly on
Oprah, though, and not the contestants. Actually, if someone could just film
Oprah all day long (perhaps by using one of those fancy helmet cameras) I would quit my job and dedicate my life to watching
Oprah just live life.
Alas that will not happen, so here’s how the show will go down. Each contestant is given a photo, directions, and $2500. In five days you must change the lives of the needy and less fortunate. What they “don’t” know is that in the end, the person who raises the most money actually wins $1 million. Or as
Oprah will probably say, “$1 MILLION DOLLLLAAAAAAAAAARS!.” I can’t freakin’ wait. I’m beside myself with excitement. The only thing that would make this better was if Della Reese was
Oprah’s co-host.
Feb
20
Happy Hangover Friday! Burp! If you like reading what IBBB wrote about this time last year then you’ll love reading about what IBBB wrote about this time last year. See how that works? What wonderful things was I typing about the Olsen Sluts….this time last year…..
The Olsen Sluts are in the process of writing a coffee table book that will feature “the most interesting, challenging, creative people we know” – said one of the Olsen’s. It doesn’t matter which one said it. What’s ironic is that I’m currently in the process of writing a coffee table book about how I suspect that coffee stunted the Olsen twins growth. It will be more of a “who shot JFK” approach where I will try to trace back Uncle Jessie, Ant Becky, and Uncle Joey sneaking cups of coffee to Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen on the set of Full House. Now I haven’t found anyone who wants to publish it or anyone who will read it, but I plan on sending it to
Oprah and once she names it as the “must read” for her book club, my life will be changed for ever.
Anyway, some people that will be in the Olsen’s book are: shoe guru Christian Louboutin, actress Lauren Hutton, photographer Terry Richardson and writer Bob Colacello. The book titled, Influence” will be out in the Fall. If you’ve ever dreamed of having an Olsen or two sitting on your coffee table, now’s your chance!
Oh and, by the way, my book will be called, “The One Where Michelle Fell Off the Horse and Lost Her Memory.” Catchy.
Feb
06
Walk with IBBB down memory lane and relive what he was writing about this time last year. It’s my most favorite lazy Friday segment. Walk with me. Read with me. Share with me.
What has Tyra started!?! It seems like everywhere I turn there is another celebrity that has the official Tyra Banks hairdo. It’s even crept its way into poor little Suri Cruise and her den mother, Tom Cruise. I don’t understand it. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand it. Maybe it’s just over my head. Regardless I’m tired of seeing all these Tyrabots roaming the streets and on the cover of magazines. It starts with the Tyra cut and then next thing you everyone is “smiling with their eyes” and “acting hoochie, but making it fashion.” What will become of Tyra? Will she just disappear into a crowd of bangs? Wait, is that her plan? And, more importantly, why is everyone ashamed of their foreheads? They’ll get out of a limo airing out their “gentleman greeter” while the paparazzi snaps pictures of it, but they’re careful to cover up their foreheads. Unless they have vagina’s on their forehead there really is no reason to cover it. Let it breathe! Air it out! Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Tyra please stop mass producing Tyrabots. Thanks.
Jan
16
Happy Friday. Let’s take a look into what IBBB was blogging about this time last year….
Nooooooooooo! God why?!?! Why do you always take the good ones from us? She had so much more to give. She had so much more to live for. She had so many more cliche one liners to give. She still had so much sass left in her. Why God, why?
As you all know by now and many many many many of you had sent me emails informing me that
Lauren Conrad and
Whitney Port (bonus points for use of their real last names) will no longer be working for Teen Vogue. While on the surface that doesn’t seem so bad when you think about who will suffer the most, your mind should immediately think of Lisa Loveless. Oh my dear Lisa. Oh my dear dear Lisa. Tsk tsk tsk. What a world, huh? While “
The Hills” will be continuing on for another season we are very likely to not see Lisa Loveless ever ever ever again. It seems so final, doesn’t it? If you are a reader of IBBB, you know my unhealthy obsession with Lisa Loveless. Damn you Teen Vogue. Damn you!
I will miss Lisa Loveless with all my blackened heart. Hell, even my vodka soaked liver will miss her. Lisa brought me, as I’m sure many of you, 100% unconditional happiness in every scene that she was in. She made Lauren appear to be retarded, she gave Whitney self confidence, and she gave hope to a generation of reality show loser viewers (like myself).
I believe I’m still in shock right now. I’ve read that this is a normal phase in the grieving process. I will soon be in denial, followed by anger, sadness, and acceptance. Although I will never fully accept that Lisa Loveless is gone. Never. I will write a letter to MTV and demand she is given her own show. Ok, I won’t actually write this, but I will think of the letter in my head and will one day say, “Wow, I should have actually written and sent it.” Oh Lisa. My little little Lisa. I will always keep you in my heart, always. I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories.
Lisa Loveless
(2006 – 2007)
“You’ll Always Be Known As the Girl Who Never Went to Paris”
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Dec
19
Happy Friday. Let’s take a look into what IBBB was blogging about this time last year….
Ah Terri Irwin. Terri, Terri, Terri. What’s going on? You good? Similar to a school boy trying to hide an “issue” with his math book, Terri is hiding a bit of her jungle outback
cameltoe. Sure the jungle and the outback are two separate locations, but I don’t care. Regardless and/or irregardless, a little jungle outback
cameltoe is peeking out from behind that book. Therefore, it’s time to play everyones favorite game, “The ImBringingBloggingBack
Celebrity Cameltoe Rating System…to the Stars!” I am awarding Terri Irwin 1 out of 5 camels. If only she was holding that book a little higher she would have been good for at least 2 camels. Maybe next time, Terri.
I am also awarding Terri one Koala Bear, as she is sporting some high waisted Mom Jeans and looking as sexy as all get out. Is Terri Irwin the new Marge Simpson? Does she have anything else to wear? I always see her with that same sexy khaki shirt on. We get it. Now put on something to highlight your rack. Also, it may be time to retire the stonewashed jeans. Take some scissors on that bowl-cut mullet and stop with the bench press for Christ sakes. Now get your ass back on the market. I hear Walter Cronkite is looking for someone. Give him a buzz.
Oh, and you’re welcome.
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Dec
12
Happy Friday. Let’s take a look into what IBBB was blogging about this time last year….
I love making Tylenol. I love making Tylenol. Oh yeah? What in the holy hell are up with these Tylenol commercials. For me, these commercials drive me almost as crazy as the Sally “I’m better than you for taking Boniva” Field Boniva commercials. The commercial, if you haven’t seen it, consists of Tylenol “employees” telling the camera just how much they love making Tylenol. One lady is like, “I love making Tylenol, I put love in Tylenol.” Really? Love? How about just putting the ingredients in the bottle, is that ok? I’m all set with you putting your “love” into the Tylenol. Does that mean you’re dipping your “gentlemen greeter” into the bottle? How does that work? Anyway, they also try to get “real with the people” with one lady saying, “I love making Tylenol, uh-huh honey.” These people are psyched to be making Tylenol. In fact, they’re too happy to be making Tylenol. Jesus even the Dunkin Donuts guy (Fred) who had the fun job of making donuts everyday would say, “Time to make the donuts” and he’d say it with his head down. These freaks are making Tylenol and are hi-fiving over it.
I love making Tylenol. I want to make love to my Tylenol. I’m making love to my Tylenol. My Tylenol doesn’t mind, it likes it. I just proposed to my Tylenol. My Tylenol and I are getting married. Perverts. The following are pretty much the only employees that should be loving their job:
Beer makers
Porn stars
Bakers
Gynecologists (just saying)
Now make a commercial saying that. I love beer. I love making beer. I love porn. I love making love. I love cookies. I love baking cookies. I love vagina’s. I love seeing gentlemen greeters. See, that all makes sense. I love Tylenol. I love making Tylenol? Not so much.
I’m done.
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Dec
05
Let’s walk down shaky memory lane and see what IBBB was blogging about This Time Last Year….
I thought I was done after the Tylenol commercial, that was until I saw the latest Burger King Whopper commercial. Have you seen this crap? Burger King plays their own version of Punk’d and installs hidden cameras and then tells their customers that they’ve discontinued the Whopper. My thought? Who in the holy hell would care? Oh, my friends, but I was wrong. I was wrong indeed. People care. White trash people seem to care the most. One lady is at the drive-thru window and declares to speak to their manager when she pulls up. Clearly she is irate about them taking the Whopper away. Next up, some homophobic dude says that if Burger King takes away the Whopper they should rename themselves Burger Queen. Yeah, that’s nice. Another kid looks completely distraught that there is no more Whopper that he seems inconsolable. What’s even better is that these people have then signed release forms to allow Burger King so show them in their national commercial. I’m sure their families are beaming with pride. Pull up a tin folding chair around the 19 inch black-and-white TV, Junior, because daddy’s on TV! Yee-haw (with guns being shot up in the air).
I have an idea Burger King and “citizens of the world,” why not take this as a cue that we may be addicted to this crap and start eating, oh I don’t know, healthier? It’s a crazy concept, I know. Maybe try cooking for your family. Chicken? Rice? Vegetables? Gasp! Just keep in mind that if your first reaction to fast food being removed from a menu is that of pure horror, disbelief, and wanting to escalate this matter to the supervisor who makes $8.50/hr then you may have some food dependency issues. Here’s to obesity! Fatass.
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Nov
21
Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called
“This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the
celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here’s what was going on with scary pants Teri Hatcher …this time last year…
Now I’m not technically sure if Teri Hatcher is mimicking The Grinch or if The Grinch is mimicking Teri Hatcher. Either way, they look like twins (1-step up from Olsen Twins). Why does Father Time seem to be punking Teri? She doesn’t look bad now, but I can’t help but to think of her in the days of “Lois and Clark.” It’s a sad time really. We’re all getting old. However, Teri is getting older….older than us for sure.
Teri was in the traditional color of a streetwalker while attending the opening of Dr. Suess’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas: The Musical in NYC. As a sidenote, due to the stagehand strike, there was no show the day after this picture was taken. Could Teri Hatcher be the reason behind the WGA strike and the Broadway stagehand strike? Probably. I’d even go as far to double check that she isn’t wearing a mask and it’s not really Osama Bin Laden hiding in that red dress. You never know.
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Nov
14
Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called “This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the
celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here’s what was going on with
Lauren Conrad and her words…this time last year…
I don’t know where these rumors started that say that
The Hills isn’t real or is scripted? Who would say things like that? Ok, fine so I say it and write about it on a weekly basis, but it’s all in good fun. Well
Lauren Conrad isn’t hearing any of that. Lauren has issued the following statement:
“There have been some rumors in the press about
The Hills being fake. Many of you have been asking me if the rumors are true. There are false rumors every week about me and I can’t address every rumor out there, but I feel like this was important for me to respond to. The show is not fake and this is really my life.”
Hmmm that sounded scripted. Also, this really is your life? That’s sad (See Ya!). Seriously, who issues a statement like that? She should have had a press conference. And what does she mean that there are false rumors about her every week that she can’t address? I think there are two rumors each week: (1) The Hill is fake and (2) Lauren had a sex-tape with Jason Wahler. That basically sums it up, no?According to Lauren, what are some other things that are real?
- Santa
- Unicorns
- Tooth Fairy
- Jack and the Beanstalk
- Results from a Ouija Board
- Easter Bunny
- Global Warming
- Fonzi
- Dragons
- Sobriety
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Nov
07
Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called “This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the
celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here’s what was going on with Britney and her music career…this time last year…
Dear Little Girls of the World,
Hey there. How are ya doing? Yeah? You doing ok in school? Yeah, sometimes math can be a little tricky. Don’t let those boys push you around during gym class either. Ok, come around here little girls of the world. IBBB has a little story for you.
Once upon a time there was a young girl named
Britney Spears. She made it big on this show called “The Mickey Mouse Club.” Years later the music industry went crazy and all of a sudden brainwashed the world and people felt that Britney was an entertainer and could sing. Britney made a gazillion dollars and a few years later she went nuts. She would party like it was her job and show her vagina to anyone and everyone that would look at it. She had a couple of kids and got married. Technically this was her second marriage. Anyway, Britney then got divorced, drank more, partied more, shaved her head, became a whore, lost custody of her kids, smashed a few cars, and showed her vagina dozens and dozens and dozens of times. It really was a magical time. And all of this was at the ripe old age of 25.
Well. little girls of the world, while we don’t know yet how this story will end for Britney there is a major lesson for you to learn. A major lesson! And that lesson is if you drink a lot, dabble in drugs, and show your vagina a ton you too can have the #2 album in America. So put down those math books. Turn off your computers. Burn your science books. Just pick up the bottle of vodka and lose the underpants. As you’re getting off your school bus be sure to flash a little of your “gentlemen greeter” and you are well on your way to living The American Dream. Remember, life has no consequences. Now go run with these here scissors. Be good.
The End!
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Happy Friday. Let’s take a look into what IBBB was blogging about this time last year….
Happy Friday. Let’s take a look into what IBBB was blogging about this time last year….
Happy Friday. Let’s take a look into what IBBB was blogging about this time last year….
Let’s walk down shaky memory lane and see what IBBB was blogging about This Time Last Year….
Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called “This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here’s what was going on with scary pants Teri Hatcher …this time last year…
Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called “This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here’s what was going on with Britney and her music career…this time last year…
