So, Uh, This is the Future of The Hills

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Good morning.  If you’re like me (a loser) and have been up at night trying to figure out how they’ll continue to shoot The Hills without the beloved Lauren Conrad, I may just have the answer for you.  You see, the wondrous photos above are from actual scenes that are being shot for the new season of The Hills.  Who is carrying the show, you ask? Why that’s Kristin Cavallari, Brody Jenner, his alleged alcoholic girlfriend Jayde, and LOser.  At this point why not just pull people off the street and ask them if they’d like to be in it? 

The new douche-bag gang headed out to a Mexican restaurant in LA to dine on tacos and Bud Light.  Oh, and Brody dressed in stereotypical Mexican garb.  For those of you, like me, who were going to miss Lauren’s mustche, worry no more because clearly Brody is paying tribute to it in the above scene.

Imagine if the creators of The Hills were using this episode to pitch the show to MTV?  They’re like, “….and we’ll put some dented cans of Bud Light on the table and then, get this, Bruce Jenner’s son will wear a sombrero and mustache whilst they eat!  So, um, how many episodes would you like to purchase?”

American Royalty

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Wow, everyone is totally committed to the script of The Hills.  I mean, this circus consists of a wedding dress, a priest, and tuxedos!  Thankfully, Brody is being budget conscience and is sporting some sneakers with his suit.  Anyway, America has new royalty.  IBBB is proud to present “Mr and Mrs Chin-Boobs Pratt Sanders.  Similar to 911 and the collapse of the Berlin Wall, you will always remember where you were when you got the news that Heidi and Spencer wed. 

Their 15th wedding of the year took place on Saturday at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena, CA.  No need to watch the rest of the season of The Hills because I guess we know how it turns out.  The scripted cat was let out of the scripted bag when Lauren Cockpig showed up, along with Audrina and her lazy eyes, Brody and Jayde, and….wait for it…..wait for it…..wait for it…..Kristin Cavallari!  The scripted rumor mill is swirling that Kristin will be replacing Lauren on NEXT SEASON of The Hills.  This crap will never die!  It’s like the ER of reality television (with more facial expressions). 

I’m kinda pissed that I wasn’t invited to any of the 10 weddings.  What a jip.  I could have been live-blogging from the chior section.  No word yet if Darlene Montag and/or Heidi’s horse from Crested Butte attended, but word on the street is that the horse walked Heidi done the aisle.  It’s been reported that both trotted.

Heidi Reads Her Lines While Driving Away from the Church

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Heidi looks like she’s trying to perform long-division on her hand and Spencer lets us know just how small is penis actually is.  I think it’s great that they can fit an entire portion of the script directly on Heidi’s hand.  I guess it makes sense since 20 out of the 22 minutes of the actual show is just facial expressions.  And, well, it pretty much looks like Heidi is perfecting her facial expression entitled “Caught from Behind.”  She’s easy, breezy, beautiful, horselike….Covergirl.

If Brent Bolhouse Didn't Ever Want to Be Around Spencer, He Probably Shouldn't Have Gone to Their Wedding and Stood in the Front Row

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It’s fun to play “Where’s Waldo” with past cast members of The Hills at Heidi and Steve Sanders wedding.  This time around I spotted Brent Bolthouse, who kinda looks like Waldo.  I also thought that Brent told Heidi he didn’t  ever want to be around Spencer again?  I’m pretty sure his odds increase of seeing Spencer at, oh I don’t know, Spencer’s wedding. 

P.S –> Who throws their bouquette on the front stairs of the church?  Scripted rumor has it that Kristin Cavallari caught the bouquette (and possibly some weave tracks).

P.P.S –> Do you think they’ll place Heidi’s dress in the Smithsonian in Washington DC?  They should at least place her dress or head there. 

A Lot of Troll Dolls Had to Die For This….

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Well it looks like all fences have been mended and 16 pounds of troll doll hair were ordered and hot-glue-gunned to the head of Heidi and crew.  Past reports that Heidi and her horse from Crested Butte trotted down the aisle together have turned up false as you can see from the above photo. With a cowboy hat and one of those 1980′s shoelace ties, Heidi’s dad (??) pushedwalked her down the aisle. I’d love to see a close up of him so I can finally place blame on the nose and chin.  If these further developments arise, I will report back and by “report back” I really mean “probably won’t.”

Lauren Conrad Quits "The Hills"

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Well you have some nerve, Lauren Conrad, SOME NERVE!  I have half-a-mind to take you over my knee and give you the spanking of your life!  We’re in a recession and you’re going to pull this crap?  I should wash your mouth out with cheap gin and force you to wear your own clothing line.

As you may have heard by now, Lauren Cockpig has decided to leave “The Hills” after this season ends.  Oh yeah Lauren?  Yeah well I plan on leaving this earth after your season is over.  How dare you!

Lauren has said that she wants to focus more on her private life.  Your private life?  Your life has been private enough.  Now you stop this business right now.  I said, right NOW!  Do you know how many kids in Somalia would kill to be on The Hills?  Do you know how many people I’ve tried (allegedly) to kill to try to get myself on The Hills? 

According to reps at MTV, just because Lauren Cockring is a big-old-quitter doesn’t mean they’re going to stop future episodes of The Hills.  Yes folks, The Hills will continue with such wondrous characters as Justin Bobby, Audrina, Steve Sanders, Heidi Montag, Brody Jenner and maybe, just maybe, Frankie will get bumped up to a series regular.  Oh this should all be great to watch.  Please, dear Jesus Claus, get Kristin Cavallari to replace Lauren.  Please?  I said please!

Well, thanks for nothing Lauren.  You’ll always be known as the girl who quit The Hills.  Now come and get your spanking.

Source It Up!

The Hills Gang Filming in Wonka-Vision?

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Oompa Loompa Doopity Do
I’ve got 3 Talentless Skanks For You.
Oompa Loompa Doopity Da,
Follow the Script and You Will Go Far.

What Do You Get With The Hills Season 5
Eating and Stares and Eye Rolls and Sighs.
None of These Girls Have 1 Ounce of Fat,
Speaking of Which, Where is Stephanie Pratt?

I Don’t Like the Look of It.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Do
So Very Soon We’ll See Season 5 Too.
IBBB Will Live in Happiness, Won’t You?
Like the Oompa Loompa Doopity Do!

The Hills Season 5 Preview: Scripted Punches, Scripted Tears, Scripted Hugs. Scripted Scripts.

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So yeah, uh, I’m playing it cool.  I could care less that I just saw the teaser for The Hills Season 5.  Yeah, who cares, right?  That show totally sucks.  Ok, now that that’s over.  I’m completely pumped that The Hills Season 5 is going to start soon and after seeing the ridiculousness that is this preview I am counting down the days until I can recap this crap.  Just from this 2 minute and 18 second clip I’m already pee’ing myself laughing.  Here are just some of my favorite parts, some:

  • Lauren takes her moustache to see a “psychic” and the “psychic” tells Lauren mysterious visions of her being betrayed in the past and how there was someone who took her friend away from her. Wow.  Someone must have spit-shined her crystal ball!  How on earth (Us Weekly and MTV) would this “psychic” ever be able to know these things?!  Seriously, my mom doesn’t even watch The Hills and even she knows about Lauren and Heidi’s past.
  • Lauren’s surprise birthday party was on a yacht and they might as well have lit fireworks around her because when “the douche bag gang” yelled “surprise!” LC almost did stinky-bottoms in her pants.  Either that or they actually yelled “surprised!” when Heidi walked into the floating party.
  • Meanwhile, Steve Sanders faux-flirts with some random skanky bartender who “will always be known as the girl who flirted back at Steve Sanders and his Santa pubes beard.”  Sorry, sweetie, you might as well start etching this onto your tombstone because this is your claim to fame.
  • Heidi flies out to see one of my favorite people in the whole entire world, Darlene “the Ugly Crier Montag in one of my favorite places in the world, Crested “Heidi’s Horse Should be Shot” Butte! Whilst speaking with Darlene I’m pretty sure Heidi is sporting a beret with a giant snowball on her head.
  • Steve Sander and the boyfriend of Sandy Sanders get into a “dance off fight” at the bar.  Steve Sanders is slapping at him like an Italian grandmother chasing her no-good husband around the kitchen table with a slipper in her hand.  Brilliant.
  • Finally, Heidi and Lauren have a cry-off and hug it out (bitch).  While Whitney isn’t on the show anymore, I’m pretty sure she wrote the lines that Heidi is saying while she’s crying to Lauren: My favorite stories are my stories with you. My favorite memories are my memories with you.  She should have finished it with: My favorite table-readings were my table-readings with you.  My favorite cue cards were my cue cards held by you.

Can’t wait for this crap.  Please, please, please don’t let me get a life before the new season starts!

The Hills Gang Goes to Hawaii! I Hope They Return the Tiki to Professor Whitehead!

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Bonus points to whoever got my joke in the title and by “bonus points” I mean “imaginary nothings.”

For those of you, like me, who are are trying to fill the void in your lives ever since The Hills has been on hiatus, well do I have the perfect fix for you!  It’s two parts heroin, two parts Zima, and 1 part Hills pictures of the cast shooting scenes in Hawaii for the upcoming season that is set to air in March.  Was that a run-on sentence?  Eh, I’m keeping it.

The whole Douche-Bag-Bunch gased up what I will assume is DouK’s private jet, sipped some champagne, and got ready for some scripted fun in the Hawaiian sun.  Seriously everyone was there.  Well almost everyone.  Heidi and Steve Sanders seem to be missing from the group photo.  I’m sure they’re back in LA trying to find newer and more efficient ways to burn in hell.

While these photos don’t talk, they sorta do.  For instance, in the last photo you know Audrina is text messaging Lauren to ask her what her next line is.  Lauren hasn’t received the message yet because she’s too busy making sure LOser is following all of her commands that she laid out in a list before they left for the airport.

The "B Team" of The Hills Has a Reunion!

I don’t want to oversell this, but….JACKPOT! Remember Brian and Jordan from the first season of The Hills? One of them played the boyfriend of Heidi and the other played the kid who was chasing after Oddrina.

(Insert sarcastic overtone) I’m sure these dudes are kicking themselves for not sticking with those two prizes. Just think, fella’s, today you two could be Justin Bobby and Spencer Pratt.

Anyscript, those two dudes and LC’s ex-boyfriend/ex-Laguna Beach cast member, Jason Wahler, were all bloated smiles as they attended the premiere of “2 Dudes and a Dream” in LA the other night.

While Kristin Cavallari was not ever in The Hills, she was in Lagina Creek and also attended this event….and I sweat Kristin so I decided to add her photo too.

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