More Mindless Stories on ‘the hills’
Remember when you were little and your parents would take you to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap and take your yearly Christmas pictures? Remember how much you loved that when you were little? Remember you thought it was the best thing when you were at the age when you totally understood who Santa was and you loved how you could ask him for any gift and you would, most likely, get it? Remember how as each year passed the “fun” of Santa kinda wore off? Remember how once you were about 9 or 10 and you found out the real deal with Santa you’d still go to the mall and sit on his lap and take a picture because it was kinda funny to poke fun at yourself and Santa and, plus, your parents still enjoyed seeing the updated Christmas picture of you? Remember how towards the end when Santa would ask if you were a good boy or girl you would just roll your eyes and answer him just to make this whole awkward process end as quickly as possible? Remember how you’d be sitting on his lap, completely embarrassed, and a friend of yours would walk by and see you sitting on Santa’s lap and you would immediately tell him/her that you were doing it as a favor to your parents and you think Santa is wicked dumb? Remember how as more time passed you became the kid walking by Santa and making fun of the kids who looked too old to be sitting on his lap, but deep down you remembered the “good old days” when Santa brought such joy to your life? Yeah, well, that’s what The Hills is to me.
Kristin Cavallari and Audrina “Teefs” Pats filmed new (yawn) scenes for the upcoming (burp) season of “The Hills” (cough, cough, sneeze). The dead-behind-the-eyes duo filmed the worst scenes of the episodes in which they go shopping, never really buy any clothes, yet walk up the street with about 15 shopping bags. This time it took place at the Diesel store on Melrose in West Hollywood.
I swear to God if they hurt Enzo in any way I swear to God someone will pay. I’m kidding, they can sell him on the black market. I dont’ care. Although, Enzo was the first person I thought of when TMZ reported that someone placed a 911 call at Heidi and Spencer’s house of horror (aka Case de Chin) to report a possible kidnapping. I mean, I thought of him first because there’s no way anyone was kidnapping any talent from that house. Hey-oh!
Allegedly/whocaresedly, an unidentified person (Heidi or Spencer) called 911 to report that someone was being taken out of a car with their head in a pillowcase and rushed into the house. Head in a pillowcase? FINALLY my letter writing campaign to Holly Montag is finally being taken seriously!
Well not to burst your scripted bubble, but in the end the po-po told TMZ that no crime was committed (with the exception of terrible acting), but someone did see what appeared to be a kidnapping. Although, it wasn’t one. So while the story is a bust (pun sorta intended) I did get to do some crafty photoshopping with Enzo being lead into a van with a puppy and some candy and, well, that’s a dream come true.
Watch The Hills! I guess.
So far 2010 is turning out to be a real mind crowd pleaser for me. First, the world did not, in fact, implode as I was pretty sure it would and, second, my eyes get to witness a mini Hills reunion of sorts. Celebrating the New Year at Beso in Hollywood were some Hills favorites together once again like Lo Bosworth, the new face of Stephanie Pratt, and Lauren Conrad and the ghost of her mustache!
Now I know I will get a ton of crap for this, as I seem to tee-off on Steph Pratt on a weekly basis, but she’s looking pretty good in this photo. I mean once you get down to her leg region she looks like she’ll shatter into pieces if her cell phone vibrates in her pocket, but still, she looks good. I mean, not healthy, but good. I mean the camera adds 10 pounds so you can only imagine what she would look like in person, but good. I mean, the lighting is kinda like the lighting they use on Barbara Walters during her pre-Oscar interviews, but still…good. I mean Lauren’s Cheshire Cat grin is distracting me a little from really focusing on Stephanie, but still good. I mean, that bruise on Lo’s upper thigh is a little distracting too, but still good. See? I can be nice in the new year.
As you know, The Hills has been hitting tilt on the “shit-0-meter” as of recent and by “recent” I mean “since season 2.” As much as I want to give Kristin Cavallari the spanking of her life and send her to my her room, she’s just not cutting it and the show is sliding down hill. However, I’m not just one to talk crap (although, I really am) and not do anything about it. Therefore, I crashed through the floor of “tool status” and have fallen to “absolute loser status” and have come up with 10 ways to Save “The Hills.” I haven’t been happier with my creativity since my Oregon Trail segments. Feel free to pass this along to all your d-bag friends and let’s all save The Hills together!
“Glills” – Everywhere I turn I see those God-awful kids from Glee. They’re on TV, iTunes, and now they have their own CD. Now nothing makes me more embarrassed than people just breaking into song. I mean as soon as I see it I start to fill out the proper paperwork to deny my citizenship. However, it seems to work for them, so why not turn The Hills into “The Glills.” Hearing Audrina and Kristin sing their mashup of “Ebony and Ivory” mixed with “Smack My Bitch Up” could turn into award winning television.
2. “Kelly Cutrone Plus 8″ – Let’s face it, nothing was better than when Kelly Cutrone was spewing out one-liners during her stint on The Hills. It was simpler times. Happier times. Good times. Obviously the world is over Jon and Kate Plus 8, but I don’t think the world is ready for “Kelly Cutrone Plus 8.” I mean, I’m ready for it, but I’m about 2 more stalker incidents away from a mandatory mental institution stay. Just think, we’ll get to see Kelly changing diapers, dressing the babies all in black, and looking even less rested than she already does. This is a win-win for all of America (and New Mexico).
3. “Justin Bobby Helmet Cam” – I’d like to get a firsthand perspective of The Hills from Justin Bobby’s point-of-view. I’m sure this will include 90% shots of Audrina’s rack, but the other 10% could be interesting too. I’m sure this would include shots of cue-cards, eating out of the dumpster, script table-reads, and the complete and official process of selling your soul to the devil in order to be on television.
4. “Holly Montag in ‘Alcoholic Activity’” – Perhaps my personal favorite, let’s have Holly Montag haunt the absolute piss out of people. Maybe she can start with that little brat, Enzo, who lives next door to Heidi and Spencer and then finish up with LOser. I mean, the low-budget movie “Paranormal Activity” was such a huge hit that it only makes sense for the shows drunk to take part as well. Just be careful because the next time you drink alone you just may get visited from the Ghost of Holly Montag. Expect a 3am drunken-dance-off.
5. “Audrina Opens Tuna Cans” – Ok, so just go with me on this one. For the last 15 minutes of each episode of The Hills we simply watch Audrina open up cans of tuna with her teeth. I’d watch it. Hell, I’d watch it for 30 minutes, but I’m a strange bastard. Alright so maybe we can compromise. 15 minutes of Audrina opening cans of tuna with her teef and 15 minutes of Audrina looking up at the clouds. Deal!
6. “Spencer Pratt and Steve Sanders as Conjoined Twins” – I’ve been calling Spencer Pratt “Steve Sanders” since season 2, so I think it only makes sense that we turn him and the actual Steve Sanders into actual conjoined twins. What a treat it will be to see them both show up to the Peach Pit and STK all in the same night. Obviously we will conjoin them at the brain because, that makes the most sense, and it was the easiest to do in Photoshop (in which my skills have been greatly improving).
7. “Lauren Conrad on Oprah’s Book Club” – Everybody is getting a copy of LA Cannnnnnnnddddy! You get a copy and you get a copy and you get a copy and you get a copy! Everybody gets a coooooopppppppy! Seriously, Oprah could make child molesters and kicking puppies popular so maybe if Oprah can just name Lauren Conrad’s book “LA Candy” to her choice for the book club then somehow more people will tune in. Sure LC isn’t on the show anymore, but perhaps if she could agree to 5 minute puppet shows we could really see a ratings increase. Lauren Connnnnnnraddddd!
8. “Stephanie Pratt’s Drunken Bumper Cars” – Ok so this is an easy win. Stephanie Pratt gets trashed and then is placed into a bumper car that she is forced to ride up and down Sunset Boulevard. The bumper car, of course, is equipped with a keg and a beer funnel so that Steph can continue to take the party “on the go.” If she hits someone it’s ok because it’s just a little bumper bruise. Sold!
9. “Heidi Montag’s Dance Your Nose/Chin/Boobs Off” – Oxygen’s hit show “Dance Your Ass Off” is yesterdays news. Watching overweight people dance in order to shed the pounds has been done over and over again. However, I’d watch Heidi Montag try to dance her new nose, chin, and boobs off in every single episode. Sure it makes The Hills more like “Sabado Gigante” but someone tell me why that’s a bad thing?
10. “Aziz Ansari Joins the Cast of The Hills” – If you’ve been watching television lately you’ll notice that everyone is adding Indian characters to their cast. Feel free to thank Slumdog Millionaire. If you’ve ever watched any episode of The Hills you’ll notice that everyone is white (you’ll also notice everyone is 75% teeth, but that’s another story for another time). Therefore, let’s finally diversify the cast and add Aziz Ansari from “Parks and Recreation” to the cast. He can play the more interesting Frankie Delgado.
Well folks I really feel like I’ve helped to breathe some new life into The Hills. Hopefully MTV will take my suggestions into account and we’ll see some of these ideas incorporated into the show. Now spread the word and let’s make this happen!
Ah yes, two of America’s sweethearts, Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag, filmed scenes for an upcoming episode of this little show known as “The Hills” in LA yesterday. Audrina, playing the role of the beaver-toofed-dead-eyed whore stands and listens to Heidi as the cameras roll. I will only assume that Heidi is telling her that she is so desperate to have a baby that she’s now just walking the streets dressed like a whore and waiting for the dicks to magically appear and knock her up.
Why do I have a feeling that she got the leather pants and leather boots from the mother of the little boy who “lives” next door to Heidi and Spencer? Also, Heidi looks like an albino. Ok, that’ll be all.