More Mindless Stories on ‘the hills’

Raspy Coke Voice and Teefs Pats Film “Scenes” for the New Season of “The Hills.”

Remember when you were little and your parents would take you to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap and take your yearly Christmas pictures?  Remember how much you loved that when you were little?  Remember you thought it was the best thing when you were at the age when you totally understood who Santa was and you loved how you could ask him for any gift and you would, most likely, get it?  Remember how as each year passed the “fun” of Santa kinda wore off?  Remember how once you were about 9 or 10 and you found out the real deal with Santa you’d still go to the mall and sit on his lap and take a picture because it was kinda funny to poke fun at yourself and Santa and, plus, your parents still enjoyed seeing the updated Christmas picture of you?  Remember how towards the end when Santa would ask if you were a good boy or girl you would just roll your eyes and answer him just to make this whole awkward process end as quickly as possible?  Remember how you’d be sitting on his lap, completely embarrassed, and a friend of yours would walk by and see you sitting on Santa’s lap and you would immediately tell him/her that you were doing it as a favor to your parents and you think Santa is wicked dumb?  Remember how as more time passed you became the kid walking by Santa and making fun of the kids who looked too old to be sitting on his lap, but deep down you remembered the “good old days” when Santa brought such joy to your life?  Yeah, well, that’s what The Hills is to me.

Kristin Cavallari and Audrina “Teefs” Pats filmed new (yawn) scenes for the upcoming (burp) season of “The Hills” (cough, cough, sneeze).  The dead-behind-the-eyes duo filmed the worst scenes of the episodes in which they go shopping, never really buy any clothes, yet walk up the street with about 15 shopping bags.  This time it took place at the Diesel store on Melrose in West Hollywood.

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Who the Hell Tried to Kidnap Enzo?

I swear to God if they hurt Enzo in any way I swear to God someone will pay.  I’m kidding, they can sell him on the black market.  I dont’ care.  Although, Enzo was the first person I thought of when TMZ reported that someone placed a 911 call at Heidi and Spencer’s house of horror (aka Case de Chin) to report a possible kidnapping.  I mean, I thought of him first because there’s no way anyone was kidnapping any talent from that house.  Hey-oh!

Allegedly/whocaresedly, an unidentified person (Heidi or Spencer) called 911 to report that someone was being taken out of a car with their head in a pillowcase and rushed into the house.  Head in a pillowcase?  FINALLY my letter writing campaign to Holly Montag is finally being taken seriously!

Well not to burst your scripted bubble, but in the end the po-po told TMZ that no crime was committed (with the exception of terrible acting), but someone did see what appeared to be a kidnapping.  Although, it wasn’t one.  So while the story is a bust (pun sorta intended) I did get to do some crafty photoshopping with Enzo being lead into a van with a puppy and some candy and, well, that’s a dream come true.

Watch The Hills!  I guess.

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The Hills Reunion. Thanks 2010!

So far 2010 is turning out to be a real mind crowd pleaser for me.  First, the world did not, in fact, implode as I was pretty sure it would and, second, my eyes get to witness a mini Hills reunion of sorts.  Celebrating the New Year at Beso in Hollywood were some Hills favorites together once again like Lo Bosworth, the new face of Stephanie Pratt, and Lauren Conrad and the ghost of her mustache! 

Now I know I will get a ton of crap for this, as I seem to tee-off on Steph Pratt on a weekly basis, but she’s looking pretty good in this photo.  I mean once you get down to her leg region she looks like she’ll shatter into pieces if her cell phone vibrates in her pocket, but still, she looks good.  I mean, not healthy, but good.  I mean the camera adds 10 pounds so you can only imagine what she would look like in person, but good.  I mean, the lighting is kinda like the lighting they use on Barbara Walters during her pre-Oscar interviews, but still…good.  I mean Lauren’s Cheshire Cat grin is distracting me a little from really focusing on Stephanie, but still good.  I mean, that bruise on Lo’s upper thigh is a little distracting too, but still good.  See?  I can be nice in the new year.

10 Ways to Save “The Hills”

As you know, The Hills has been hitting tilt on the “shit-0-meter” as of recent and by “recent” I mean “since season 2.”  As much as I want to give Kristin Cavallari the spanking of her life and send her to my her room, she’s just not cutting it and the show is sliding down hill.  However, I’m not just one to talk crap (although, I really am) and not do anything about it.  Therefore, I crashed through the floor of “tool status” and have fallen to “absolute loser status” and have come up with 10 ways to Save “The Hills.”  I haven’t been happier with my creativity since my Oregon Trail segments.  Feel free to pass this along to all your d-bag friends and let’s all save The Hills together!

1. “Glills”  – Everywhere I turn I see those God-awful kids from Glee.  They’re on TV, iTunes, and now they have their own CD.  Now nothing makes me more embarrassed than people just breaking into song.  I mean as soon as I see it I start to fill out the proper paperwork to deny my citizenship.  However, it seems to work for them, so why not turn The Hills into “The Glills.”  Hearing Audrina and Kristin sing their mashup of “Ebony and Ivory” mixed with “Smack My Bitch Up” could turn into award winning television.

       2.  “Kelly Cutrone Plus 8″ – Let’s face it, nothing was better than when Kelly Cutrone was spewing out one-liners during her stint on The Hills.  It was simpler times.  Happier times.  Good times.  Obviously the world is over Jon and Kate Plus 8, but I don’t think the world is ready for “Kelly Cutrone Plus 8.”  I mean, I’m ready for it, but I’m about 2 more stalker incidents away from a mandatory mental institution stay.  Just think, we’ll get to see Kelly changing diapers, dressing the babies all in black, and looking even less rested than she already does.  This is a win-win for all of America (and New Mexico).

 

        3.  “Justin Bobby Helmet Cam” – I’d like to get a firsthand perspective of The Hills from Justin Bobby’s point-of-view.  I’m sure this will include 90% shots of Audrina’s rack, but the other 10% could be interesting too.  I’m sure this would include shots of cue-cards, eating out of the dumpster, script table-reads, and the complete and official process of selling your soul to the devil in order to be on television.

 

       4.  “Holly Montag in ‘Alcoholic Activity’” – Perhaps my personal favorite, let’s have Holly Montag haunt the absolute piss out of people.  Maybe she can start with that little brat, Enzo, who lives next door to Heidi and Spencer and then finish up with LOser.  I mean, the low-budget movie “Paranormal Activity” was such a huge hit that it only makes sense for the shows drunk to take part as well.  Just be careful because the next time you drink alone you just may get visited from the Ghost of Holly Montag.  Expect a 3am drunken-dance-off.

 

       5.  “Audrina Opens Tuna Cans” – Ok, so just go with me on this one.  For the last 15 minutes of each episode of The Hills we simply watch Audrina open up cans of tuna with her teeth.  I’d watch it.  Hell, I’d watch it for 30 minutes, but I’m a strange bastard.  Alright so maybe we can compromise.  15 minutes of Audrina opening cans of tuna with her teef and 15 minutes of Audrina looking up at the clouds.  Deal!

 

       6.  “Spencer Pratt and Steve Sanders as Conjoined Twins” – I’ve been calling Spencer Pratt “Steve Sanders” since season 2, so I think it only makes sense that we turn him and the actual Steve Sanders into actual conjoined twins.  What a treat it will be to see them both show up to the Peach Pit and STK all in the same night.  Obviously we will conjoin them at the brain because, that makes the most sense, and it was the easiest to do in Photoshop (in which my skills have been greatly improving).

 

       7.  “Lauren Conrad on Oprah’s Book Club”  – Everybody is getting a copy of LA Cannnnnnnnddddy!  You get a copy and you get a copy and you get a copy and you get a copy! Everybody gets a coooooopppppppy!  Seriously, Oprah could make child molesters and kicking puppies popular so maybe if Oprah can just name Lauren Conrad’s book “LA Candy”  to her choice for the book club then somehow more people will tune in.  Sure LC isn’t on the show anymore, but perhaps if she could agree to 5 minute puppet shows we could really see a ratings increase.  Lauren Connnnnnnraddddd!

 

        8.  “Stephanie Pratt’s Drunken Bumper Cars” – Ok so this is an easy win.  Stephanie Pratt gets trashed and then is placed into a bumper car that she is forced to ride up and down Sunset Boulevard.  The bumper car, of course, is equipped with a keg and a beer funnel so that Steph can continue to take the party “on the go.”  If she hits someone it’s ok because it’s just a little bumper bruise.  Sold!

 

       9.  “Heidi Montag’s Dance Your Nose/Chin/Boobs Off” – Oxygen’s hit show “Dance Your Ass Off” is yesterdays news.  Watching overweight people dance in order to shed the pounds has been done over and over again.  However, I’d watch Heidi Montag try to dance her new nose, chin, and boobs off in every single episode.  Sure it makes The Hills more like “Sabado Gigante” but someone tell me why that’s a bad thing?

 

       10.  “Aziz Ansari Joins the Cast of The Hills” – If you’ve been watching television lately you’ll notice that everyone is adding Indian characters to their cast.  Feel free to thank Slumdog Millionaire.  If you’ve ever watched any episode of The Hills you’ll notice that everyone is white (you’ll also notice everyone is 75% teeth, but that’s another story for another time).  Therefore, let’s finally diversify the cast and add Aziz Ansari from “Parks and Recreation” to the cast.  He can play the more interesting Frankie Delgado.

 

Well folks I really feel like I’ve helped to breathe some new life into The Hills.  Hopefully MTV will take my suggestions into account and we’ll see some of these ideas incorporated into the show.  Now spread the word and let’s make this happen!

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With the Heat in LA, I’m Sure Heidi’s Outfit Smells Like the Basement of a Church

 

Ah yes, two of America’s sweethearts, Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag, filmed scenes for an upcoming episode of this little show known as “The Hills” in LA yesterday.  Audrina, playing the role of the beaver-toofed-dead-eyed whore stands and listens to Heidi as the cameras roll.  I will only assume that Heidi is telling her that she is so desperate to have a baby that she’s now just walking the streets dressed like a whore and waiting for the dicks to magically appear and knock her up. 

Why do I have a feeling that she got the leather pants and leather boots from the mother of the little boy who “lives” next door to Heidi and Spencer? Also, Heidi looks like an albino.  Ok, that’ll be all.

 

I hope

So, Uh, This is the Future of The Hills

Good morning.  If you’re like me (a loser) and have been up at night trying to figure out how they’ll continue to shoot The Hills without the beloved Lauren Conrad, I may just have the answer for you.  You see, the wondrous photos above are from actual scenes that are being shot for the new season of The Hills.  Who is carrying the show, you ask? Why that’s Kristin Cavallari, Brody Jenner, his alleged alcoholic girlfriend Jayde, and LOser.  At this point why not just pull people off the street and ask them if they’d like to be in it? 

The new douche-bag gang headed out to a Mexican restaurant in LA to dine on tacos and Bud Light.  Oh, and Brody dressed in stereotypical Mexican garb.  For those of you, like me, who were going to miss Lauren’s mustche, worry no more because clearly Brody is paying tribute to it in the above scene.

Imagine if the creators of The Hills were using this episode to pitch the show to MTV?  They’re like, “….and we’ll put some dented cans of Bud Light on the table and then, get this, Bruce Jenner’s son will wear a sombrero and mustache whilst they eat!  So, um, how many episodes would you like to purchase?”

American Royalty

Wow, everyone is totally committed to the script of The Hills.  I mean, this circus consists of a wedding dress, a priest, and tuxedos!  Thankfully, Brody is being budget conscience and is sporting some sneakers with his suit.  Anyway, America has new royalty.  IBBB is proud to present “Mr and Mrs Chin-Boobs Pratt Sanders.  Similar to 911 and the collapse of the Berlin Wall, you will always remember where you were when you got the news that Heidi and Spencer wed. 

Their 15th wedding of the year took place on Saturday at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena, CA.  No need to watch the rest of the season of The Hills because I guess we know how it turns out.  The scripted cat was let out of the scripted bag when Lauren Cockpig showed up, along with Audrina and her lazy eyes, Brody and Jayde, and….wait for it…..wait for it…..wait for it…..Kristin Cavallari!  The scripted rumor mill is swirling that Kristin will be replacing Lauren on NEXT SEASON of The Hills.  This crap will never die!  It’s like the ER of reality television (with more facial expressions). 

I’m kinda pissed that I wasn’t invited to any of the 10 weddings.  What a jip.  I could have been live-blogging from the chior section.  No word yet if Darlene Montag and/or Heidi’s horse from Crested Butte attended, but word on the street is that the horse walked Heidi done the aisle.  It’s been reported that both trotted.

Heidi Reads Her Lines While Driving Away from the Church

Heidi looks like she’s trying to perform long-division on her hand and Spencer lets us know just how small is penis actually is.  I think it’s great that they can fit an entire portion of the script directly on Heidi’s hand.  I guess it makes sense since 20 out of the 22 minutes of the actual show is just facial expressions.  And, well, it pretty much looks like Heidi is perfecting her facial expression entitled “Caught from Behind.”  She’s easy, breezy, beautiful, horselike….Covergirl.

If Brent Bolhouse Didn’t Ever Want to Be Around Spencer, He Probably Shouldn’t Have Gone to Their Wedding and Stood in the Front Row

It’s fun to play “Where’s Waldo” with past cast members of The Hills at Heidi and Steve Sanders wedding.  This time around I spotted Brent Bolthouse, who kinda looks like Waldo.  I also thought that Brent told Heidi he didn’t  ever want to be around Spencer again?  I’m pretty sure his odds increase of seeing Spencer at, oh I don’t know, Spencer’s wedding. 

P.S –> Who throws their bouquette on the front stairs of the church?  Scripted rumor has it that Kristin Cavallari caught the bouquette (and possibly some weave tracks).

P.P.S –> Do you think they’ll place Heidi’s dress in the Smithsonian in Washington DC?  They should at least place her dress or head there. 

A Lot of Troll Dolls Had to Die For This….

 

Well it looks like all fences have been mended and 16 pounds of troll doll hair were ordered and hot-glue-gunned to the head of Heidi and crew.  Past reports that Heidi and her horse from Crested Butte trotted down the aisle together have turned up false as you can see from the above photo. With a cowboy hat and one of those 1980’s shoelace ties, Heidi’s dad (??) pushedwalked her down the aisle. I’d love to see a close up of him so I can finally place blame on the nose and chin.  If these further developments arise, I will report back and by “report back” I really mean “probably won’t.”

Lauren Conrad Quits “The Hills”

Well you have some nerve, Lauren Conrad, SOME NERVE!  I have half-a-mind to take you over my knee and give you the spanking of your life!  We’re in a recession and you’re going to pull this crap?  I should wash your mouth out with cheap gin and force you to wear your own clothing line.

As you may have heard by now, Lauren Cockpig has decided to leave “The Hills” after this season ends.  Oh yeah Lauren?  Yeah well I plan on leaving this earth after your season is over.  How dare you!

Lauren has said that she wants to focus more on her private life.  Your private life?  Your life has been private enough.  Now you stop this business right now.  I said, right NOW!  Do you know how many kids in Somalia would kill to be on The Hills?  Do you know how many people I’ve tried (allegedly) to kill to try to get myself on The Hills? 

According to reps at MTV, just because Lauren Cockring is a big-old-quitter doesn’t mean they’re going to stop future episodes of The Hills.  Yes folks, The Hills will continue with such wondrous characters as Justin Bobby, Audrina, Steve Sanders, Heidi Montag, Brody Jenner and maybe, just maybe, Frankie will get bumped up to a series regular.  Oh this should all be great to watch.  Please, dear Jesus Claus, get Kristin Cavallari to replace Lauren.  Please?  I said please!

Well, thanks for nothing Lauren.  You’ll always be known as the girl who quit The Hills.  Now come and get your spanking.

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The Hills Gang Filming in Wonka-Vision?

 

Oompa Loompa Doopity Do
I’ve got 3 Talentless Skanks For You.
Oompa Loompa Doopity Da,
Follow the Script and You Will Go Far.

What Do You Get With The Hills Season 5
Eating and Stares and Eye Rolls and Sighs.
None of These Girls Have 1 Ounce of Fat,
Speaking of Which, Where is Stephanie Pratt?

I Don’t Like the Look of It.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Do
So Very Soon We’ll See Season 5 Too.
IBBB Will Live in Happiness, Won’t You?
Like the Oompa Loompa Doopity Do!

The Hills Season 5 Preview: Scripted Punches, Scripted Tears, Scripted Hugs. Scripted Scripts.

 

 

So yeah, uh, I’m playing it cool.  I could care less that I just saw the teaser for The Hills Season 5.  Yeah, who cares, right?  That show totally sucks.  Ok, now that that’s over.  I’m completely pumped that The Hills Season 5 is going to start soon and after seeing the ridiculousness that is this preview I am counting down the days until I can recap this crap.  Just from this 2 minute and 18 second clip I’m already pee’ing myself laughing.  Here are just some of my favorite parts, some:

• Lauren takes her moustache to see a “psychic” and the “psychic” tells Lauren mysterious visions of her being betrayed in the past and how there was someone who took her friend away from her. Wow.  Someone must have spit-shined her crystal ball!  How on earth (Us Weekly and MTV) would this “psychic” ever be able to know these things?!  Seriously, my mom doesn’t even watch The Hills and even she knows about Lauren and Heidi’s past.
• Lauren’s surprise birthday party was on a yacht and they might as well have lit fireworks around her because when “the douche bag gang” yelled “surprise!” LC almost did stinky-bottoms in her pants.  Either that or they actually yelled “surprised!” when Heidi walked into the floating party.
• Meanwhile, Steve Sanders faux-flirts with some random skanky bartender who “will always be known as the girl who flirted back at Steve Sanders and his Santa pubes beard.”  Sorry, sweetie, you might as well start etching this onto your tombstone because this is your claim to fame.
• Heidi flies out to see one of my favorite people in the whole entire world, Darlene “the Ugly Crier Montag in one of my favorite places in the world, Crested “Heidi’s Horse Should be Shot” Butte! Whilst speaking with Darlene I’m pretty sure Heidi is sporting a beret with a giant snowball on her head.
• Steve Sander and the boyfriend of Sandy Sanders get into a “dance off fight” at the bar.  Steve Sanders is slapping at him like an Italian grandmother chasing her no-good husband around the kitchen table with a slipper in her hand.  Brilliant.
• Finally, Heidi and Lauren have a cry-off and hug it out (bitch).  While Whitney isn’t on the show anymore, I’m pretty sure she wrote the lines that Heidi is saying while she’s crying to Lauren: My favorite stories are my stories with you. My favorite memories are my memories with you.  She should have finished it with: My favorite table-readings were my table-readings with you.  My favorite cue cards were my cue cards held by you.

Can’t wait for this crap.  Please, please, please don’t let me get a life before the new season starts!

The Hills Gang Goes to Hawaii! I Hope They Return the Tiki to Professor Whitehead!

Bonus points to whoever got my joke in the title and by “bonus points” I mean “imaginary nothings.”

For those of you, like me, who are are trying to fill the void in your lives ever since The Hills has been on hiatus, well do I have the perfect fix for you!  It’s two parts heroin, two parts Zima, and 1 part Hills pictures of the cast shooting scenes in Hawaii for the upcoming season that is set to air in March.  Was that a run-on sentence?  Eh, I’m keeping it.

The whole Douche-Bag-Bunch gased up what I will assume is DouK’s private jet, sipped some champagne, and got ready for some scripted fun in the Hawaiian sun.  Seriously everyone was there.  Well almost everyone.  Heidi and Steve Sanders seem to be missing from the group photo.  I’m sure they’re back in LA trying to find newer and more efficient ways to burn in hell.

While these photos don’t talk, they sorta do.  For instance, in the last photo you know Audrina is text messaging Lauren to ask her what her next line is.  Lauren hasn’t received the message yet because she’s too busy making sure LOser is following all of her commands that she laid out in a list before they left for the airport.

The "B Team" of The Hills Has a Reunion!