More Mindless Stories on ‘the hills recap’

The Hills Recap: Season Finale: Surprise, Heidi is Enzo’s Biological Mother! Just Kidding, Nothing Happened in This Episode Either.

 Remember when there was always a cliffhanger on the season finale of The Hills?  Well the Teefs Fairy ain’t real and neither is The Hills.  There I said it.  During the last episode we get to painfully watch all of the horrific story-lines come together.  Will Heidi admit she’s the mother of Enzo?  Will Jayde show Brody her penis and pop out her button eyes?  Will Holly Montag and her drinking even be mentioned once (spoiler alert: nope)?  Will Kristin get the “N” tattooed on her stomach so that when she and Justin Bobby stand next to each other, topless, it will read “Italian?”  Will Lo find a new friend to fold laundry for?  Will Stephanie Pratt and Frankie get their own spinoff, “When Pointless Met Unnecessary?” Will Audrina finally give up her virginity to Heidi’s dog from season one?  Will Lauren’s mustache appear when you look up at the moon to signal LC to come back and save this show?  None of this will be answered in this recap, so let me walk you through what did happen.  Help. Me.

• I’m convinced that Stacie the Pointless Bartender is just a naked upper torso and head.  That’s all.  Every scene she’s in with Kristin seems to only show her from the upper torso and up.  She’s probably one of those people who’s just head, neck, and chest and walks on their hands.  Oh, and Kristin is talking to Stacie the Pointless Bartender about how things with Jumpin’ Jack Flash Bobby may not be the same since they’re no longer in Vegas.  Uh, I think they may not be the same because the season is officially over and we’re 28 minutes away from the crew tearing down the set.
• Oh yeah, Steve Sanders and Brody are friends again.  I almost forgot and by “almost forgot” I mean “poured 3 gallons of bleach into my eyes and ears until I erased the memory of this show.”  The Ernie and Bert of our generation are shooting hoops and talking about how Heidi is trying to kidnap Spencer’s sperm.  It shouldn’t be too hard for Heidi to “kidnap” sperm.  Can’t she just wipe it off Spencer’s chin once Brody leaves?  Hey-o!
• Meanwhile, Audrina is shopping with LOser and she’s totally rocking the Freddie Kruger hat again.  One, two, Teefs is coming for you.  Three, four, better not call Tats Pats a whore.  Five, Six, check to see if Jayde has a dick.  Seven, Eight, Lo isn’t needed on this show or in life anymore.  Fine that one didn’t rhyme but it needed to be said.  I can’t even follow what Oddy is trying to tell LOser because all I can see is a hat with buck-teeth chatting.  From what I can gather, Audrina is going to…wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….meet up with Justin Bobby to tell him “I’m done” and then storm away.  Well, it worked in season’s 2, 3, 4, and 5 part I, so let’s give it a whirl for season 5 part II.
• The field-trip to hell has moved and now we’re at Kristin’s Malibu beach house with her and J Bob.  Remember when Jujubes Bobby used to only mumble one or two words per episode?  God, well now it’s like he’s reading dialogue from Steal Magnolia’s.  All he does it talk about his feelings and how he wants to be with Kristin and blah blah blah.  Kristin looks like she’s creating her own dutch-oven with her bikini sweater (??) whilst Justin Bobby the Builder continues on with his monologue.  Kristin tells him that she doesn’t want a boyfriend and how things are different now that they’re not in Vegas anymore.  Seriously, they were in Vegas for 4 hours and filmed 3 scenes.  Give us a break.  Anyway, J Bob doesn’t like this and tells Kristin she needs to figure this out (hint, read the script) and he storms off with his short-shorts.
• Follow me children, because now we’re heading off to a magical place called “Heidi and Spencer’s House of Hollywood Hills Horror!”  And we have a special guest star.  Enzo!  Why hasn’t this kid been deported yet? I mean, I make calls to INS daily.  So Billy from “Who’s the Boss” and Steve Sanders are playing racing games when Heidi comes walking into the house with her hair plastered to her head and stopping just shy of her flat ass.  Steve Sanders and Heidi have an awkward and unnatural conversation about trust and the pharmacist that no one would ever have, ever, in the history of people being alive.  Billy from “Who’s the Boss” asks if they’re fighting and I’m praying for a mudslide to take their house right down the F’n hill.  I’m sure the genius that is Enzo would think he’s riding Thunder Mountain.  Twerp.
• It is now time for Sleezy T’s engagement party.  Get on your Sunday best because it’s in the backyard!  I bet they’re having Enzo cater this sh*t.  Taco Supreme’s for everyone!  The meaningless gang cheer Sleezy T on his engagement and on now calling him “Taylor.”  Oh, and his fiance had fangs.  Legit.  Back up your Tivo because I’m pretty sure they’re filming scenes from Twilight at the same time.
• By the way, Frankie tries to remain relevant by saying something about Brody taking the “next step” and “being another Taylor.”  Huh?  Give this kid subtitles.  Actually give everyone subtitles because I’m officially sticking Bingo Daubers in my ears for the remainder of this show.
• Moving on.  Jayde is telling Brody that they should be moving forward with their relationship.  They’re actually having this conversation 2 inches from each others face.  Would anybody please like to tell me when Brody turned into George Michael?  I’m waiting for him to flip the table over and start singing, “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.”  Terrible.
• Grab the box of tissues (and hit yourself over the head with it repeatedly) because Audrina is meeting up with Justice Bobby for a “final goodbye.”  Oddy lets him know that this is the last time they will probably ever talk again, but she also leaves all of us with a vocabulary lesson. She says, and I quote, “You’re so selfish.  You’re selfish, you’re self-centered.  All you care about his yourself.”  Yup, that’s pretty much what those words mean there Oddy.  And you know when she read the script at first and saw that word she went up to the writers and was like, “Selfish.  Can you use it in a sentence?” 
• Anyway, I feel like we get to learn a little bit about what really went on between these two because Jasper Jean Bobby lets us know that they wouldn’t even see each other for 4 or 5 months at a time (aka, in between seasons) and then they would hang out once and Audrina would ask what they were (aka, during filming).  For a split second Audrina looks at the camera like she’s been caught.  I caught you, you little bitch, I caught you!
• Audrina ends things by saying that Justin Bobby is going to turn into a lonely old man.  She then quickly says “I wish you the best, Justin” but it kinda sounds like, “I shit in a dress, Justin.”  I prefer for her to say the later.
• Now let’s wrap up this whole, Steve Sander/Heidi/Baby pretend story.  Steve Sanders confronts Heidi about finding a pregnancy test in the trash.  Let down.  The only thing I want to find in her trash is her baby.  Anyway, Steve Sanders decides that one day he does want to have a baby and Heidi tries to smile without having her entire face cave in.  I wish these 2 the best and by that I really mean, “I’ll shit in a dress.”
• Back at Brody’s condo, Brody tells Taylor the Sleeze and Frankie that he’s going to end things with Jayde and her button eyes and he may,  just may, have feelings for Kristin.  I think I speak for America when I say, “WHO GIVES THREE F’s!?!”
• In the end Justin Bobby visits Kristin whilst she packs up her clothes (why isn’t Lo or Stacie folding these for her?) and they both decide to give a relationship a real try.  But in order to do this they need to be very honest with each other, according to Kristin.  Oh, and they’ll need to have a Season 6 too.  That’s a big part of this new relationship working out.
• As the sun sets on the Malibu beach house, they’re playing that song from the movie “Precious.”  I’m waiting to hear someone yell out at them, “School ain’t gonna help you none, dummy!” but, alas, it didn’t happen.  And my dream died with the sunset.

Theeeeeee Ennnnnnnd!

P.S –> You may have noticed that Holly Montag and Stephanie Pratt were not in this episode or mentioned at all by anyone.  This is because they are both overseas fighting simultaneous wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Best of luck and hurry home, skanks!

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The Hills Recap: What Happens in Vegas, is Staged in Vegas.

Oh kids.  Oh my little children.  Blah.  Here’s everything that happened in last nights episode of “The Hills.”  Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender went to Vegas and Justin Bobby showed up/was contractually obligated to go. Stacie the Pointless and Kristin kissed.  J Bob slept over and probably got to second base and Steve Sanders thinks that Heidi tricked him into pregnancy.  All that took up 4 minutes.  Here’s what went on in the remaining 18 minutes of pure torture, hell, and horror:

• The Lucy and Ethel of our generation, Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender, are driving to Vegas.  I’m pretty sure they’re sitting in a car in front of a green-screen because the background looks as fake as the Heidi/Spencer/baby storyline.  Kristin is real good at crunching numbers and doing math formulas so she comes up with the percentages of them hooking up with randoms.  Kristin claims she’s at about 65% (ahem, 92.5%) and that Stacie is at 90% (ahem 104% – she blew to guys at the gas station in the desert).
• Stacie the Pointless tries to show us how excited she is to be going to Vegas buy coming up with some wonderful catchphrases like: “We’re not here to meet Mr. Right, we’re here to meet Mr. Right Now.”  Next she says, “You live, you learn, and then you go to Vegas.”  Kristin laughs like Robin Williams is performing stand-up on her dashboard.  I, on the other hand, finally felt what crying on the inside truly feels like.  It’s going to be a long episode.  As long as Audrina’s old front tooth.  It’s going to be tooth long.
• So why is Steve Sanders friend, Charlie, in every episode now?  I’d rather watch Enzo on stilts with a sombrero on his head wearing a Members Only jacket pretending to be someone else than watch any more scenes with Charlie and his porn/Hitler mustache. 
• Steve Sanders is bragging to Charlie about his romantic dinner that his wife Heidi cooked for him and how she was wearing sexy lingerie while they ate dinner.  Really?  Bragging?   If Charlie has eyes that work he’s seen Heidi before.  If I got home and Heidi was wearing lingerie as I tried to eat plate of pasta I’d pour bleach on my nuts, put hot peppers in my eyes, and crazy-glue earphones into my ears with nothing playing but “Body Language” by Heidi Montag(you’re it).
• I’m not quite sure if Charlie understands how “getting pregnant” works, probably because the 12 yr old girls he surrounds himself with can’t. He’s giving Steve Sanders advice to test whether or not Heidi is taking her birth control.  This consists of seeing if she wants to drink alcohol and eat shellfish.  Yeah, that may be a good test after she’s pregnant, but that has nothing to do with her taking birth control pills.  Fail.  Scene fail.  Logic fail.  Life fail.  I fail.
• Meanwhile back on the set of Vegas, Stacie and Kristin are drinking champagne and talking for the 15th time about meeting new guys and how they’re in Vegas and how they’re not looking for boyfriends and woo-hoooooo Vegas!  Enough.  Only dogs can hear them at this point.  As they pick out clothes, Stacie informs us all that she wants to wear something that “doesn’t scream one-night-stand, but ‘maybe.’”  Again, Kristin keels over laughing when Stacie says this like Robin Williams followed them in from the dashboard of their car to perform his second set live in their hotel room.  As a sidenote, if Stacie is really looking for the “maybe” she should wear a skirt that when she sneezes her woo-woo drops down to say “hi.”  That works every time.
• Steve Sanders takes Heidi for sushi to perform Charlie’s “never fail” test.  I hate them.  I’m not even recapping this.
• Thelma and LouiseKristin and Stacie then head out to the bar at the Palms that MTV uses for every-single show that they film in Vegas.  While there, and doing shots, they meet a couple of double-down-douche-bags.  One is nicknamed “J-Rock” because, you know, if you’re going to wear a jacket that covers up your Ed Hardy t-shirt we won’t know right off the bat that you’re a douche, so you’re going to need to let us know what your douche-bag name is, that way when we hear it we can know that you have 2 dresser drawers filled with Ed Hardy back in your hotel room.  That’s how that works.  Anyway, “J-Rock” supposedly was a backup dancer for the Backstreet Boys.  I’d rather watch back-to-back videos of the Backstreet Boys than this right now.  Stacie forces “J-Rock” to prove it and he does so by doing signature Beyonce moves while all the other douches in the Douche-Bag-Brigade hi-five and compare pencil-thin eyebrows.  This is Kristin’s cue to “slur-dial” Justin Bobby and leave him a message, but we’re not supposed to know it’s him.
• “The Next Morning” we discover that Kristin eats ice-cream in bed and probably off a penis because, surprise, surprise Justin Bobby came over!  He surprises Stacie by being in his towel.  I think I saw Stacie dry-hump the pillow.  Pig.
• Did you guys know Audrina is still in this show?  She is.  I couldn’t care less about anything she’s talking about except the fact the her sister is having a boy.  Wait, what?  Tats Pats is having a baby AND she already has a baby girl?  I hope one day they call Audrina “Auntie Teefs.”
• Justin Bobby Socks, Kristin, and Stacie the Pointless Bartender/Future Stripper head out to the strip club and Stacie is having the time of her life.  She has underwear on her head, she’s throwing dollars down on the stage, she’s probably even taking copious notes, you know, for pointers.  Stacie feels like the 3rd wheel, so Kristin makes her feel like part of the date by kissing Stacie.  It’s like Spring Break 2002 all over again.  If she really wanted to push the envelope she would have let Stacie roll up the script and find a place to “hide it” on her body. 
• In the end, Kristin and Justine Bateman Bobby wake up and Kristin’s voice sounds like she fell asleep with a bucket-o-dicks in her mouth.  She kinda has that raspy Whitney Houston voice going on but, you know, without all the crack and stuff.  She and J Biggie Smalls decide to “see how it goes” once they leave the set of Vegas and get back to the LA soundstage.  I couldn’t care less what the F happens to any of these people.  Actually, where the hell is Stacie?  She could have been dead in the strip club for all we know.  Geesh, let’s learn how to tie up all the loose ends, MTV, ok?

NEXT WEEK IS THE SEASON FINALE OF THE HILLS!  Free at last, free at last, great God almighty I’m almost free at last!

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The Hills Recap: Heidi’s Plan to Trick Spencer Into Fatherhood, I Believe, is Illegal and Punishable By Law. I’m Voting Death Penalty.

So we only have 3 episodes left of The Hills this season and, hopefully, for life.  The thought of the cast consisting of Jayde and Stacie the Pointless Bartender may be more than my little brain can handle.  Here’s what “happened” last night on The Hills:

• In keeping with the tradition of Season 5 of The Hills, this crapisode, yet again, consists of strictly dinners and lunches.  It is important to note that food is typically never found at any of these locations.  Now that we have that all cleared up, we kick things off with Brody and Kristin having, you guessed it, lunch!  What a treat for us, as viewers.  Brody, with beard and tight perm in place, looks like he has aged roughly 26.3 years since we last saw him.  Kristin looks like she was caught in a typhoon, similar to in Karate Kid Part II when that Asian chick was ringing the bell up on that wooden tower and Danielson had to rescue her.  Just me?  Moving on.
• Kristin and Brody are telling stories of their relationship of the past and that one time when they stayed at Brody’s mom’s condo and Kristin had to wear his mom’s clothes.  I’m sure that consisted of a half-shirt that said, “What Happens After 50 Stays After 50” and short-shorts that say, “Jizz Dumpster” on the ass.
• Anyone ever notice how during the opening credits towards the end when they show Stephanie Pratt she looks like she’s on a meth raid and about to shatty-pats her pants?  Next.
• Ugh, this crap again.  Heidi heads off to see her therapist, Dr. Jordana Mansfucker.  Seriously, this is the worst.  It looks like her “office” is in the basement of a crackhouse.  Her license should be revoked and she should be forced to live in Tajikistan and provide free therapy to the people who just throw rocks at each other on the street while hiding behind abandon cars that always seem to be on fire.
• Heidi explains to Dr. Mansfucker that she wants to go off the pill and “surprise” Steve Sanders with a baby.  That sounds like an excellent plan.  I also think a good plan would be to switch out her birth-control pills with rat poison.
• After Heidi tells Dr Mansfucker her “plan” that I honestly can’t believe she memorized, Dr Mansfucker just says, “Uh, I don’t know.”  She legit has to think about it.  That makes me feel safe.  Good luck in Tajikistan, Mansfucker!
• Brody and his lesbian lover, Frankie, are playing a little pool with “the boys” and are dishing like bitches in heat.  Everyone is weighing in on the Kristin/Brody/Jayde “Kill Yourself Love Triangle,” as I like to call it.  At some point I would just love to hear the director yell “cut” and then hear him say, “You are all terrible, terrible, awful, people.”
• Surprise!  Another dinner/drinks segment!  This time Kristin is meeting up with Jayde.  I finally realized what Jayde looks like to me.  You know those sex dolls that look really really really lifelike and cost about $13,000?  Yeah, those.  Well, the sex doll with its eyes pushed all the way into its skull….and with bacon grease in its hair…..and probably with herpes….and a 5^th grade education…and rickets.
• Jayde and Kristin have their scripted fight of the episode.  Honestly, it’s like listening to two Valley-girls with turrets.  Jayde questions why out of all the guys in the city of “Hollywood” does Kristin have to focus on Brody and Justin Bobby.  Do they even live in Hollywood?  This point brings them closer as they both agree that they don’t like Audrina.  Awww poor teef.  However, in the end Kristin says three different ways that Jayde is a bitch and then she peaces out of their dinner-date.  Watching Kristin walk away I was thoroughly disappointed, as she left her full vodka soda on the table.  I’m sure Jayde will suck that up like an industrial powered Hoover…..or Brody’s mom on a blind-date.
• LOser and Kristin are now having lunchless lunch.  Boring.
• Heidi and Audrina are now having lunchless lunch.  Boring.
• I’m actually shocked I haven’t slipped into a coma at this point.  I think I’m going to have a brain vasectomy, if that is at all possible. 
• I’m not going to make it.  Really, I’m not.  Now Brody and Jayde are having dinnerless dinner.  It’s like the producer and story-board people of The Hills don’t even care about me anymore.  It’s hurtful, really. 
• Jayde is trying her hardest to put words together to make a sentence.  She’s partially achieving this goal.  Halfway through her muffled story, she tells Brody to shut up for once in his life.  This makes Brody turn his fingers into a gun and pretend to shoot himself in the head.  This action makes me satisfied as a viewer and as a citizen of the United States and/or of The Americas of the World.  My only regret is that baby Jesus didn’t take this opportunity to have actual bullets come out of his finger.  I will add this regret, disappoint, and future wish to my rosary prayers later on tonight.
• Jayde doesn’t want to fight with Brody anymore and she wants to get back together with him.  I think that’s a great idea.  If this increases the chances of this show ever ending, I think it’s a brilliant idea. 
• Well what do ya know!  Now Kristin and Brody are at a dinnerless dinner.  I’ve actually opened up my window in my 30^th floor apartment.  It’s basically down to a 50/50 chance that either me or my laptop is going for a jump. 
• Brody tells Kristin and her raspy rapist voice that he’s decided to get back with Jayde.  Kristin decides that she is over the drama between all of them and thinks that Brody should be with a better girl.  Perhaps a girl like his mom?  A girl who would blow like the entire cast and crew of The Hills.  Perhaps a girl like Frankie.
• So they’re really still going on with this Heidi/Spencer/Tricked Into Pregnancy storyline?
• Heidi has attempted to dress “sexy” but in all reality she looks like a blond version of Miss Hannigan from “Annie.”
• Heidi cooks up a “romantic” dinner for Steve Sanders which consists of pasta. Way to underachieve! It’s known scientific fact that if Heidi tries to suck up spaghetti her chin will cave in and her boobs will pop off.  Mere science, ladies and gentlemen, mere science.
• Heidi decides to say “grace before meals” and thanks God for her outfit.  No joke, she does.  Seriously, Heidi is going to melt in hell.  Mere science.
• If Heidi gets pregnant and I ever run into her I will pull the baby out through her vaginastein with my bare hands.  I’m KIDDING!  I would wear gloves.
• In the end, we are graced with the presence of Stacie the Pointless Bartender.  She is officially the LOser of Kristin’s Malibu beach house. We get to hear Justin Bobby leave Kristin a voicemail letting her know that he’s kicked Audrina’s teef to the curb. 
• Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender make an “impulse/scripted” decision to go to Vegas….right now.  Oh those two!  The Laverne and Shirley of our generation.
• I miss drunken Holly Montag.

The Hills Recap: Brody’s Mom’s Face Looks Like Spencer’s Vasectomy Procedure.

 IBBB Disclaimer:  This episode is so bad, I just basically ramble.  Read at your own risk.

Last night on “The Hills”….

• Kristin and Brody are out on a big “date.”  Their “date” lasts just long enough for them to say the following “Hills Catchphrases”: on-a-break, Jayde, broken up, Mrs Bobby, and fight.  They need to start adding subtitles when Kristin speaks because sometimes it sounds like donkeys in a blender having sex with midgets playing the harp.  Just off the top of my head.
• You know this sh*t is going to crap out early when the second scene of the show centers around Heidi and Steve Sanders home and that little bastard “Billy from Who’s the Boss.”  He’s doing a lot of the “yip yip” and climbing trees whilst Heidi continuously talks about having a baby.  I think she just wants to do it so that after it’s over she can store some of her old chin and pieces of her old nose in her newly stretched out vaginastein.  Hell, throw Enzo in there as well, zipper it up, and call it a day.
• Heidi threatens to get pregnant, but something tells me if that happens Spencer will be pouring shots of bleach for Heidi and then tripping her down the stairs for an insta-abortion.  Oh, and Billy from Who’s the Boss just called Spencer, “Spender” and they didn’t even make him run his lines again.  They’re just like “screw it, keep going.”
• Oddy and LOser are having a lunch, minus the food, and discussing Teef’s “feelings” for Justin Bobby.  I couldn’t care less about this scene and have spent most of the time envisioning a car jumping the curb and taking out the two of them.  All that would be left on the sidewalk would consist of some teeth, some extensions, and shredded pieces of the script.  This reminds me to draw a chalk-outline of Audrina later.  Note to self.
• Well when all else fails, let’s swing on by Brody’s mom’s house in Malibu.  This should be a real treat and, in fact, it didn’t disappoint at all.  Brody’s mom, who I will just refer to as “Face,” greets Brody and Kristin and looking like she finished up the weekday gang-bang.  She has a tray of lemonade for “the kids” but I’m almost certain it’s piss.  And why isn’t Face on Real Housewives of Orange County?  She should be and I shall begin the letter-writing campaign to make this happen.  We need more Face and we need it now.  Really.
• Sidenote:  What do you do if you’re Brody and both of your parents have absolutely ridiculous plastic surgery faces?  I feel like if you combined their faces you would have Frankie Delgado.
• Face does a good job praising Kristin and letting them both know that they were cute together back in the day.  The scene ends because Face needs to go back in the house and get slapped with a bouquet of dicks.  Again.  For the 3rd time that day.
• Just when you think this show can’t get any worse, we fall through the floor of crap and find something even worse than crap.  Steve Sanders and his friend, Hitler (??) head off to the doctor to find out about getting a vasectomy.  In case you haven’t seen every scene this season, Steve Sanders does not want kids.  And, seriously, what credible doctor in their right mind would agree to, not only, appear on The Hills, but also in a scene with Spencer Pratt?
• Steve Sanders talks to the “doctor” about “turing off his faucet” so that he can’t have kids with his new wife.  “Turning off the faucet” is a little extreme.  I’m sure in his case it’s more like a slow drip anyway.
• The doctor shows Steve Sanders diagrams of exactly how a procedure like this works.  Steve Sanders is looking at the pictures and squirming and making gross faces.  His reaction is actually pretty real and believable…..which leads me to believe the “doctor” is actually showing him pictures of Heidi “pre-surgery” and the editors just tossed in diagrams later.
• Seriously, someone cut off my nuts because this is the worst.
• Meanwhile “later that night” Kristin, Brody, and crew (aka “Stacie the Pointless Bartender”) head out to “da club.”  “Da club” always looks like the worst place in the world to me.  I’d rather wake up next to Brody’s mom than hang out at “da clubs” that these guys go to.
• Just moments later, Jayde (her jacked up face) and her friends, who look like they all just finished doing “$2 dollar sucky sucky” happen to go to the same club that Brody and Kristin are at.  What are the odds? 
• Jayde decides to go and confront Kristin and Brody by walking/slurring over to their table, bending down, and saying “What the f*** are you doing?”  I would have been like, “Uh, taping a show?  Why are your eyes pushed all the way into your skull like a Play-Doh person?”  But…that’s just me.  Perhaps you would have answered that question differently.
• Anyjaeger, Kristin tells Jayde and the skank-posse to get the f*** out of “da club.”  And then a fight breaks out.  Well, it’s more of quick slaps, but still.  I’m surprised Jayde can even see out of those eyes to know where Kristin is, to slap her.  She’s like a Beanie Baby.
• Back at Casa de Chin, Billy from Who’s the Boss spills the scripted beans to Heidi that Steve Sanders went to the “doctor.”  This makes Heidi unrealistically suspicious and she sends Billy from Who’s the Boss and Hitler out in the yard so that they can talk.  Heidi is pissed that her husband was going to come home and say, “hey honey I snipped my balls off” because, yeah, that’s what a vasectomy is.  I actually had more fun watching Hitler drag Billy from Who’s the Boss all around the backyard.  Diddler alert.
• Finally we are at the end!  Good God this episode was 5 hours long.  Oddrina meets up with Justin Bobby for “dinner” minus the food.  We learn that Audrina may want to get back with J Bob, but there would be a lot of “workin out to do.”  Sadly, we also learn that Justin Bobbert isn’t wearing anything under his leather coat.  Gross.  His coat must stink like Brody’s moms fake hair.
• Justin “Italia” Bobby informs Teef that Kristin has done things to him that no one has ever done.  He keeps saying that.  So, I’m going to assume Kristin let him do anal or she allowed him to take a dump on her chest.  What’s that called again?  A Teef Steamer?  Anyway, this upsets Oddy and she “storms” out of dinnerless diner, walks up the street, and gets in her car.  Then “the Shadow of Audrina” cries in her car.  Oddly, her shadow is more lifelike than the actual Audrina.  Eh, such is life.

I’m dumber for watching this.  Goal achieved!

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The Hills Recap: The “I’m Done” Tour Pushes Forward and Possibly Coming to a City Near You!

Well folks, we are in what I can only assume is the 15,000th episode of The Hills this season.  Somewhere in a barber shop getting her mustache shaved off, Lauren must be laughing at how horrible this season actually is.  There are only so many times Kristin can say “whatever dude.”  After the 16th time it loses its edge.  Sadly, this is what went down last night on The Hills:

• The show opens with Kristin and Brody taking a romantic sunset walk on the beach.  Brody, who refuses to admit that “trucker hats” were over 4 years ago, discusses his “break” with Jayde to Kristin.  They’re very close to the water.  I’m hoping Kristin has her period and a shark comes up and eats them both.  Scratch that.  I’d like to watch this show with Kristin having only one arm and Brody rockin his pimped out wheelchair.  So maybe the shark just terrorizes them a little bit and snatches a limb or two. Haha, snatch.
• Oh crap, we’re at Heidi and Steve Sanders house of horror.  Ugh.  How come when Heidi and Steve Sanders have any sort of conversation they talk to each other like they’re spewing out tasks to do from their “to do” list.  Example:  You wanted to have a house….you wanted to not have kids…you’re the one that wanted a party.  Blah.  The worst.  Anyway, it’s almost Heidi’s birthday (1 year closer to death, score!) and Heidi demands a birthday party.  What the hell is on Heidi’s head?  Oh.  It looks like she’s trying to steal the “Lauren Conrad braid.”  It’s not working too well because the top of her hair looks like a pile of knots.  She probably paid Enzo (Billy from Who’s the Boss) to braid her hair and carve her a wooden duck and then take her out for parasailing and a tubing.
• Does LOser live with Audrina?  Her role now consists of folding Audrina’s laundry.  Yes, it has actually come to this.  LOser also lets us know that she a sucker for blue and white stripes.  Honestly, I have no idea what that means. Is that like a  sex thing I don’t know about?  Audrina is going to go to Heidi’s party even though Kristin is going to be there.  Uh, of course she and Kristin are both going to be there because if they weren’t this episode would literally consist of Audrina and LOser folding laundry and Audrina making “gross” faces everytime she says or hears the words “Kristin” and “Justin Bobby.”
• Speaking of which, Kristin and J Bobert are on a “date” and for some reason unknown to me, Justin Bobby looks like Elvis in this scene.  He’s also eating a toothpick.  This all makes sense to someone, somewhere.  Perhaps he’s signaling an Al Qaeda attack.  One may never know. 
• During the date Justin Bibbity Bobbity Boo keeps telling Kristin that he wants Audrina to tell her everything.  He keeps saying it.  He keeps saying “I want her to tell you everything….everything…..everything.”  And then he winks.  Alrighty boys and girls, let’s sit in a semi-circle around IBBB because I’m going to tell you a little story of what this means.  You see, children, Justin Bobby wants Audrina to tell Kristin “everything” because they probably did some real nasty stuff in the bedroom…if ya know what I mean.  This can consist of a little backdoor action (where Audrina probably thinks her woo-woo is anyway), taking a dump on her eyes, donkey punches, choking Audrina until her teeth pop, and playing “hide the script.”  Are we all clear on this?  Ok, now go out to recess and discuss.  You’re welcome.
• As a random sidenote, how come everyone pronounces Audrina’s name differently on this show?  Some people pronounce is “Uh-dreena,” some say “Aww-dreena,” or “Add-reena,” or just plain old “Adrina.”  Doesn’t she ever correct anybody?  Eh, she probably doesn’t  even know.
• Meanwhile, Stephanie and Oddrina are driving in her car on the way to the party.  I’m pretty sure the background as they “drive” is fake.  It looks the same as when on “I Love Lucy” they drove to California.  Well, since Audrina is the Lucielle Ball of our generation this all makes sense. 
• HOLY CRAP!  It’s Jen Bunney!  I thought she was as dead as Heidi’s original dog?  Jen is sporting some bleach blond hair and it looks like she may be on nose-job #2.  Keep chiseling. 
• Reason #33,561 why I love Kristin:  When she sees Jen Bunney she hugs her and says, “Jen f*ckin’ Bunney!”  Brilliant.  That Kristin, a real pistol.
• This party blows.  And where the hell is HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag to liven it up?  You know she’s be doing keg-stands, having dance-offs, puking and crying….AND all at the same time.  What a let-down.
• Steve Sanders gives Heidi two puppies for her birthday gift.  2 makes sense since she took such good care of the last dog she had.
• So the “fight” between Audrina and Kristin is weird.  It’s almost like they’re having two separate conversations.  For all I know they’re shooting this scene in different locations in front of a greenscreen and they’re just being edited together.  Then, at one point Kristin tells Oddy that J Bob said that he and Oddy were never together…and then Kristin says to Oddy, “I’m sure this is hard for you to hear….as a woman.”  As a woman?  Why was that thrown in?  She’s like, “I’m sure this is hard for you to hear….as a homosapien.”  Huh?
• Kristin continues her “I’m done” tour by telling Oddy that she’s done with her.  I hope my television catches on fire before next Tuesday night.
• The “next day” Teef, LOser, and Anorexia Barbie  have a little lunch and Teef discusses her “fight” with Kristin….which kinda sucks for us because we just had to sit through it 14 seconds ago and now we have to listen to Teef try and articulate it, which is sorta like listening to a 3 year try to tell Santa what they want for Christmas.  You know neither person involved in that understands.  Anyway, LOser ends the scene by saying “Totes Magotes” and I want to take a dirt-nap.
• In the end (thank God) Kristin confronts Justin Bobby about his love for Audrina.  He is dressed like Indiana Jones.  First Elvis, now this?  Looks like the wardrobe department hasn’t been effected by the recession.
• J Bob tells Kristin that there’s no trust and she has batting averages and strikes and sh*t.  Huh?  Is he drunk or am I? 
• Kristin concludes the “I’m Done” tour by telling Justin Bobby…wait for it….wait for it…..wait for it….”I’m done.”

I’m done.

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The Hills Recap: Holly’s Intervention Part II: Stephanie Pratt Helps Lead the Intervention. Those Who Live in Anorexic Houses Should Not Throw Scones. Oh!

This week Holly Montag continues to entertain us with her drinking, her dancing, and her “drink dancing.”  We should all feel very lucky because without this the episode would consist of a conversation between Audrina and LOser and a conversation between Heidi and Steve Sanders.  Here’s what went down last night on Da Hills:

• We kick things off with Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender at the beach.  At first I realized that Stacie the Pointless Bartenders boobs seemed to be down towards her waist, but then quickly I realized that these are “regular boobs” and everyone else on the show has had their boobs surgically pushed up towards their chin.  You really learn a lot watching The Hills.
• Is Holly drunk yet?
• Stacie the Pointless Bartender and Kristin are coming up with a “list” for the party on who they should invite and they just mention everyone who’s in the show.  It’s awesome because both these chicks just became friends with half these people 2 episodes ago.  Do you think Stacie knows the reason she’s on the show is so that Kristin has someone to talk about Justin Bobby to? They should have cast Lisa Love.
• NO ONE CARES ABOUT BRODY AND JAYDE.  Next.
• As if this can’t get worse, we get to sit and listen to Heidi and Steve Sanders talk about life whilst Billy from Who’s the Boss colors at their coffee table.  It’s shocking that Heidi has pencils at her house.  Also, is Billy from Who’s the Boss wearing a Halloween wig?  Seriously, call DSS because no parent in their right mind would let their kid film “scenes” with Heidi and Steve Sanders.  I mean, the smell of the peroxide alone must be a cancer hazard.
• I love how Heidi informs us all that after their last meeting, Holly’s really tried to change her life.  Really?  Change her life?  Let me just tell you that if Holly has a real drinking problem, then I’m shipping myself right to rehab.  Also, Holly is funnier when she drinks, she’s prettier, she dances better, she’s more interesting and, overall, she’s just a better person.  Take away the booze and Holly is Heidi.
• Yay! Holly is drunk!  FINALLY!  Honestly, did you notice how everyone on this show just drinks throughout it now?  Thank Santa Christ I’m not the only one.  I feel like I’m at the party with them.
• Holly has a shot, allegedly, and perhaps a Jack and Coke.  Next scene? Holly is wearing some rope around her forehead (just like Cheri Johnson used to wear) and yellow sunglasses on her head…and she’s dancing.  It’s finally getting good.
• I have so many favorite parts.  Perhaps my favorite part is when she pretends to take a picture of a couple at the party with an imaginary camera and then she whispers, “You’re mine forever” and stumbles away.  I mean, come on, brilliant.  Perhaps my favorite part is when Holly wants to have a “breakdance fight.”  Perhaps it’s when she’s doing the “running man” and then slapping her ass.  Oh hell, these are all my favorite parts.  Why choose just one?  Also, I have actually done all of these things, including the imaginary camera.  See you in rehab, Holly!
• Ugh, back to the boring part of the show.  Justin Bobby txt messages Kristin and says, “hey boo, strike two, call you later.”  I guess he isn’t showing up to Kristin’s party.  This, of course, makes Kristin tell Brody the story and also make her say “dude” a lot.  Oh, and she also steals a line from the vocabulary of Audrina and says, “I’m done.  I’m done.  No really, I’m done.”  Seriously, I’m done.  Next.
• Justin Bobby does show up to the party.  What a surprise.  Also a surprise, Brody and Jayde start fighting.  Hmm, not interesting.  What is interesting is how Jayde looks like she just got whacked with 15 dicks before she showed up to the party.  Like just beat with dicks over and over again.  And then she caked on her makeup…and then she got beat with some more dicks….and then she put shoe-polish in her hair….then more dicks….then she put her shirt on….then a couple more dicks….then she went to the party.   More dicks.
• Later that night at “da party” J Bob and Kristin, who is now sporting a hat, are having a slurred out conversation.  Awesome.  I love Kristin and I love her voice even more when she’s slurring her words.  She’s even throwing in her favorite line to J Bob again, “I’d be done.”  Ahh the way she says it.  That voice!  She sounds like she’s dry humping a homeless man and choking on his tin-foil hat.  Sweet.
• Back inside the house, Jayde is crying (although no tears seen) and bitching about Brody.  Brody overhears her and starts yelling at her and saying she’s the one that drank an entire bottle of Jager.  Why didn’t we see her drink that bottle?  Sucks.  Oh, and the writing staff must be slim-pickins because now Brody is using Audrina’s line…which is now Kristin’s line….and saying to his friends about Jayde, ”I’m done…I’m done…it is over…I’m done….I’m like, done.”   If by “done” he means “mass-murder-suicide” then I’m all in.
•  Sweet! It’s now “Intervention Day” at Heidi’s house!  The people leading Holly’s intervention consists of Stephanie Pratt, who looks like she’s down to about a healthy 98 pounds and just bought a new face, and Heidi Montag, who thinks she can actually sing and is completely fake from boobs up.  Yeah, this should go well.
• Like any good intervention, Holly and Steph say “surprise” to Holly when she walks in. 
• As a quick sidenote, Holly asks how Heidi’s doing to which she replies, “I’m good.  Just hanging out and everything.”  Exactly.
• The intervention begins and Heidi tells Holly that she thought she wasn’t going to drink anymore.  Holly, who malfunctions, says, “I don’t know where that miscommunication happened….it’s my choice….I’m going to tone it down more….I’m an adult woman.”  All brilliant.  Fight the intervention, Holly, fight it!  She should start pointing out their flaws now.  Now would be a good time for that.
• Now Stephanie Pratt butts in.  I think she’s technically having an intervention on the intervention, which I didn’t know what you could do.  She tells Holly that rehab changed her life.  Oh it did?  Oh awesome! Wait a second…wasn’t she just arrested for DUI about 2 weeks ago?  Hmm, maybe she missed the quick session during rehab where they tell you, you know, “not to drink.”
• Stephanie then tells Holly not to “bullsh*t a bullsh*tter.”  She should have said, “Holly, don’t bullsh*t an anorexic with a brand new face.”
• Great! Now’s the part where Heidi tells Holly she loves her and Holly starts to cry and they all try to hug Holly and she starts freaking out.  The only part that was missing was, “Holly, if you don’t get help today our relationship will change in the following ways.”  Which probably would have consisted of, “I won’t let you be on The Hills anymore and I’ll kill our dumb horse in Crested Butte.”
• Holly decides to peace-out of the intervention and gives them the finger as she leaves!  I LOVE IT!  I hope this means more drunken Holly because, to be honest, this is the only way I can watch the show now.
• Special Message from IBBB:  If you or a loved one feeling like they’re struggling with addiction please step in….and ask them to keep doing it if they’re on a reality show because it’s really fun to watch.  The More You Know.

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The Hills Recap: Someone Dust Off Candy Finnigan Because Drunken Holly Montag is Getting the World’s Fastest Intervention!

This week on a very special episode of “The Hills,” Kristin provides mosquito nets to children in third world countries, while Lo decides to donate her salary for the year to a homeless family, and Audrina contemplates enlisting in the US Army. Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. Holly gets buzzed, which everyone thinks is “too drunk” and an intervention is staged, in which no one really shows up for.  A dream come true.  Here’s what else went down last night on “The Hills: Is It Over Yet?”

• We kick things off with Kristin providing a recap to us all about the fight between Brody and Jayde at his 5-year old surprise party.  It would have been a nice touch if someone from the camera crew threw a water balloon at her face during the story.  Next time.  Kristin is fidgeting all throughout the conversation with LOser, which can only mean one thing to me: Justin Bobby gave Kristin crabs.  What other reason could there be?  LOser remains pointless during this scene, but not as pointless as Stacie the Pointless Bartender (who I’m now stalking on Twitter, so I’ll let ya know how that goes).
• I love how now when I see Stephanie Pratt I can’t help but to pretend she’s a big drunk in every scene that she’s in, ever since the DUI over the weekend.  Like, when she showed up at Audrina’s house of horror instead of ringing the doorbell it would have been awesome if she crashed her car right through Oddy’s front door.
• Steph and Oddy are chit-chattin’ like school girls in homeroom about, you guessed it, Justin Bobby and how Audrina must not have been thinking while she was dating him for the past 4-years.  Objection, your honor.  Move to strike.  Audrina hasn’t had the ability to think since the day she was God-damn born.  As a sidenote she also hasn’t had the ability to look down at ants on the ground either, but that’s another story for another time in another place with other people.
• I tune out a little during this scene because I’m noticing how Audrina has all single pictures of herself behind her in various poses.  Brilliant. 
• Audrina “reads” the text message that J Bob sent her which consists of: “I cannot believe it’s really over, is it really over, I can’t believe it.” Wow pure poetry from Justin Bobby.  Also that text message is a real tooth-twister for Audrina to say since, you know, she, like a shark, has 3 sets of teeth.
• Kristin heads home to Laguna Beach and I’m pretty sure when she was driving towards her parents house I saw Cami panhandling for money.  I could tell it was her by the 6-foot gap between her two front teef.  R.I.P Cami, R.I.P.
• Seriously, the entire scene with Kristin’s dad is pure brilliance.  First off he’s drinking wine and having cheese with his daughter in the middle of the afternoon.  I’m waiting for Chris Hanson from “To Catch a Predator” to pop out from the living room and ask her dad to have a seat.  Second, Kristin’s dad asks Kristin if she’s seen Steven or Lauren at all.  Haha score one point in the “retro” column.  I love how he still thinks she filming Lagina Creek.  He probably thinks she’s been in her bedroom for the past 5 years.  And third, Kristin’s dad takes the role of the “5th bitch” in the show and talks some smack about Brody being obsessed with himself.  The only thing that could have made it better would be if he was braiding Kristin’s hair while “dishing” with the ladies. 
• Sidenote:  I want to make sex with Kristin’s parents house.  In particular, their outdoor area.  Giggity.
• Finally the moment we’ve all been waiting for!  Steve Sanders is dressed in his plaid shirt and cowboy hat again, which he wears more like a Milli Vanilli hat than he does a cowboy hat…and Holly is drunky-drunkerson.  Finally some reality in this show.  Let me just say that I don’t think that Holly was bad at all.  I mean, she was drunk, sure, but that’s fine with me.
• Holly gives sloppy hugs to her sister, which she screams “sister” to in her face and moments later asks the recovering alcoholic (fail) Stephanie if she wants a drink.  Holly asks it, but doesn’t stick around for the answer.  She’s like “I’m buying” and then sprints to the bathroom. 
• Later Holly does a shot of tequila, apparently by herself.  I mean this is really a problem.  A big problem.  I mean, a young girl having fun at a party?  Send her to Promises Rehab immediately.
• By the way, this high-end Brent Bolthouse party is being attended by Tom Green, so, yeah, not so high end.  More to come on this later.
• Holly later is doing karate chop dance moves to Steve Sanders friend, Charlie, and then tells him that “every single second of my life is the best moment of my life.”  Slap that on a Hallmark card and I think we’ve got a best seller. Later she tells Brent Crackhouse about some painting she wants to buy.  Honestly, this whole scene was edited within an inch of its life.  Hmmm, maybe everyone was trashed in every episode of every season of the show and that’s why they edit it?
• The party scene ends with the best scene all season….Holly Montag dancing.  Drunk dancing.  Interpretive dancing.  Drunk Interpretive Dancing.  While it all becomes very Lady Gaga, Holly has some original moves of her own.  For example:  Riding Santa’s Sleigh, Washing the Windows, Robot With Turrets, Fan My Farts, and Snakes in the Air.  Like the children I don’t have, I love all of Holly’s dance moves equally.
• Pre-Intervention:  Steph and Heidi begin the pre-intervention at lunch.  Heidi doesn’t seem to understand what “drunk” really is, as Steph says that Holly was out of control to which Heidi responds, “She just had too much to drink.”  Uh, yeah, that takes cares of the “out of control” part.  Stephanie also informs the viewing audience that every time they go out, Holly gets kicked out wherever they are.  Heidi, who is apparently still thinking about chasing seagulls on the beach, doesn’t know if she should say anything to Holly because “she’s hesitant.”  So basically Heidi is putting more thought into this situation than she did when she signed up for a new nose, chin, boobs, and hair.  Interesting.
• J Bob broke into Kristin’s Malibu beach house to cook her dinner.  Why they’re playing “She-Wolf” right now is beyond me. Boring.
• Audrina goes on her “date” with Justin’s best friend.  The only good thing that came out of this is when her date asks her if she’s in “deep thought.”  You totally know that she was just trying to figure out what day it was and how old she was.  Fail.
• Audrina’s teeth would be perfect for eating artichokes.  That’ll be all.
• It’s time for the quickest and most effective Intervention ever.   Heidi and Steve Sanders meet Holly at a Mexican restaurant, to which Holly already orders a Margarita.  Woooo-hooooo!  Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Let the games begin!  Seriously, I want to be able to drink at my intervention (remember that).  Holly tells us that when it’s an “occasion” she feels like she can have a few drinks.  You know, like a Wednesday afternoon for example….or Flag Day!
• The Intervention takes a left turn when Heidi and Steve Sanders start talking about how this will effect Holly’s business.  Her business?  Which is……?  Steve Sanders actually says, “This was Brent Bolthouse’s most influential crowd…..”  Yeah, uh, we all saw Tom Green there.  Very influential.  I guess if Holly EVER wants to get her own Canadian podcasting show she better not piss off Tom Green.  Heidi chimes in again that someone will say, “I don’t want to do business with you.  I saw you” to which Steve Sanders chimes in “do a danceoff.”  Don’t listen to them, Holly.  I’ve closed more deals by doing a danceoff than I did sitting in a boardroom and that’s a fact!  Also, everyone likes a drunk.
• Well that was the fastest and most effective intervention.  Just to sum it up, it basically went like this: Holly you should stop drinking.  (Holly) You’re right, I will.  End scene.
• Blah back to Audrina and Justin Bobby.  They meet up on the roof, which I’m hoping they’ll play “murder-suicide” on.  They don’t.  Ugh.  I never get what I want.  Anyway, J Bob tells Oddy that there will never be anyone better than Audrina Patridge.  Well that must have worked because Oddy agreed to not date J Bob’s friend anymore.  Audrina seems like the type of girl who will go into work explaining that J Bob socked her in the eye, but he had every right to do it because she did, indeed, burn the roast the night before. 
• Someone please give me an intervention about this show!

Next week, Holly drinks more.  Ay! Ay! Ay! Arriba! Arriba!

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The Hills Recap: Apparently They’ve Decided to Just Go the Sex Route

Today’s Hills recap is brought to you by the letters: A, N, O, R, E, X, I and A.  And also by the numbers 9 and 1 lbs.  If you’re like me and were tuning in just to see Kristin Cavallari get a drink thrown in her face by Jayde you will be crying meth tears into your pillow because the editing machine was in over drive tonight.  I won’t spoil it, but she gets a water balloon tossed at her by some random dude.  Oh wait, I did just spoil it.  Anyscript, here’s what went down on the most recent crapisode of The Hills:

• It’s Brody’s birthday and so that can only mean one thing, Kristin and Stacie the Pointless  Bartender head out to the Hustler store to buy him some sex toys.  I think they should always start each episode with sex.  Perhaps next week a rabid pitbull can make sweet love to Heidi?  I’ll start the letter writing campaign to MTV.
• MTV  must have hired some top notch comedy writers for this scene because Kristin says she wants to buy Brody a whip because…wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….still waiting….wait for it….empty your bladder….wait for it…..slap your kids…..wait for it…..pants a homeless man….wait for it….wait for it….BECAUSE BRODY IS WHIPPED FROM JAYDE!  Seriously she should do stand up.  Kristin then places a dog collar on Stacey the Pointless Bartender and then says, “because he’s a dog, he’s whipped.”  Huh?  Look, I love me some Kristin, but the guy holding the cue cards must have had a seizure and dropped them all because she’s mixing up her lines.  Although, if Kristin is trying to tell us that she whips dogs, well, I’m all for that.  I’m back on the Cavallari wagon of horror.
• Kristin whips Stacie the Pointless Bartender to which Stacey the Pointless Bartender says the smartest thing that has ever been said on The Hills, “What am I doing!?”  Exactly.  That Stacie the Pointless Bartender is a real pistol.
• 18 years later, Justin Bobby and Kristin are at her Malibu beach house and J Bob is surfing similar to the way that Greg Brady surfed whilst the family was vacationing in Hawaii.  Hopefully he doesn’t have that bad-luck Tiki around his neck.  Oh, and also, does J Bobert actually have a tattoo that says “Itali” on his stomach?  I’m looking for the “A” at the end, but can’t seem to see it.  This, however, has inspired me to get a tattoo on my stomach that says “Bosto.”  The “N” will be on my back.
• After a morning cup of wine, The Hills injects some more sexy boom boom into the scene by having J Bob spray down Kristin’s ass with a hose while she walks up the stairs.  I think they’re finally on to something.  Hopefully Spencer will hose down Heidi’s chin up in the Hollywood Hills.
• So does anyone want to mention Stephanie Pratt’s eating disorder and face work, or no?  No?  Fine, I’ll do it.  While walking up the street she looked like a hot dog not wearing any pants.  And while getting her nasty ass feet massaged it looked like her shoulder blades were coming out of her skin and going to cut her newly sculpted face.  Oh, and it also looks like a blue pen exploded underneath each of her eyes.  I’m afraid for Stephanie and by “afraid” I mean, “I actually don’t care, but figured that was a nice touch.”  Speaking of a nice touch, I wonder how Lauren’s mustache has been.
• Well it’s the day of Brody’s big surprise party that is being thrown by Jayde.  The backyard looks like it’s been set up for a 5-year olds birthday party and I’m pretty sure Frankie just literally carried his car into the yard.  LOser and Sandy Sanders are saying the name “Justin Bobby” about 24.7 times.  They’re not even running lines anymore they’re just saying “Justin Bobby, Justin Bobby?  Justin Bobby!, Justin Bobby?”
• Jayde gives everyone a 1 minute warning that Brody is about to enter the surprise party and Frankie literally tells everyone to get on their knees, which is ironic because I’m almost certain that’s how he landed his “role” on The Hills. 
• The gate opens up and everyone yells surprise.  What fun.  Frankie is yelling “Happy Birthday” like Brody is two states away.  He absolutely is in love with Brody.  Oh, and Jayde has a walkie-talkie.
• LOser and Sandy Sanders, acting like 14 year old school girls in heat, stumble as they ask Kristin if she’s dating Justin Bobby.  And you wanna know what?  Kristin “voice-overed” that she is.  Now this is a real treat.
• Thank Santa Christ that there is always a camera on Kristin because we are lucky enough to see her get hit square in the face with a water balloon.  Now had this been Heidi, the balloon would not have broken due to the hardness of her face.   I learned this scientific fact, ladies and gentlemen, from an episode of Mr. Wizard before the 9:00am children’s singing mass at Immaculate Conception in Revere, MA.
• It’s time to open up the birthday gifts and Brody’s mom is in a bikini.  Just “seconds” before she was in a blue dress.  Brody basically tells Jayde that he’s going to choke her as he’s banging her and Brody’s mom (who looks like she just got rammed herself) beams with pride.
• Oddrina has her car-driving-date with Justin Bobby’s friend.  Boring.  Fail.
• Meanwhile up in the Hollywood Hills, Steve Sanders is hitting golf balls with his Hitler looking friend, Charlie.  Of course they’re talking about Heidi wanting a baby and that little annoying next door neighbor.  Oh crap, here he is.  Billy from Who’s the Boss is chatting it up with Steve Sanders.  Legit I think he’s saying “Ariba, Ariba.”  I have no idea.  Spencer verbally abuses Billy from Who’s the Boss and then sends him off to go hide on the side of the mountain.  I’m confused as to why any of this is taking place and why this even qualifies to be on television.  Remember when you had to have a talent to appear on TV?
• You know who they should replace Stacie the Pointless Bartender with?  Cami, from Laguna Beach.  Also, they should replace Billy from Who’s the Boss with Elodie.  Seriously, why don’t they bring her back to stir up some trouble for Heidi? Or better yet, maybe she can be Heidi’s secret surrogate.  This way, Spencer won’t even know that the baby is Heidi’s until after the birth.  Hmmm, I think I’m onto something…or on something.  It’s hard to tell.
• Why won’t this episode end?
• Why is Steve Sanders wearing a cowboy hat in the restaurant and at all?
• Why did Heidi not laugh when he referred to his hat as a “beaver skin” hat?
• Why are they still talking about having kids?  Didn’t anyone figure out that no one cares?
• Sandy Sanders and Oddrina are chatting about her car-ride-date with Justin Bobby’s friend.  It’s hard to tell what’s going on because I am too focused on Stephanie Pratt’s new lips.  They actually look like they’re going to explode off of her face.  What an absolute sin.  A sin like, Thou Shalt not Kill.
• WHOA!  Stacie the Pointless Bartender looks like she aged 45 years.  No joke, I’m pretty sure Kristin is actually talking to Sally Field during a Boniva commercial instead of Stacie the Pointless Bartender in the morning.  Also, it’s important to note that in the morning Stacie the Pointless Bartender is drinking a red martini.  This train is about to derail.

NEXT WEEK NEXT WEEK NEXT WEEK, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag gets silly drunk and a partial intervention is planned.  Bring. It. On.

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The Hills Recap: Remember When on “Who’s the Boss” All of a Sudden That Little Kid, “Billy,” Showed Up for a Season? Well, He Lives Next Door to Heidi and Spencer Now.

Oh you’re welcome for the photoshopping this week.  Just to pre-recap the recap, nothing happened on this episode.  Well, that’s a lie, Audrina stared at stuff…like a lot.  I’m not even sure if she was alive or if they were just pulling a “Weekend at Bernie’s” routine with rope, a pulley, and some peanut butter.  Anyway, besides Audrina, here’s what went down last night on The Hills…

• Does Stacie the Bartender have a mysterious case of snaggle tooth?  Do you think even she wonders why she’s on this show?  Kristin and Snaggle the Bartender are having lunch and discussing the Kristin/Justin Bobby/Audrina’s Dead Eyes love triangle of torture.  Kristin is claiming she went to have drinks with J Bobert to let him know they could only be friends.  Now I may have watched last weeks crapisode with a bottle of Vodka down my pants, but weren’t they actually talking about breaking in her bed and riding his hog?  And his motorcycle?  Don’t make me watch that episode again.  No really, please don’t make me.  Fine I’ll watch it when it’s on a marathon loop over the weekend.
• Yuck.  Teef and Tats Patridge are shopping.  Tats Pats looks like the “before” on a pre-op/post-op Oddrina.  They’re like the white-trash version of the Olsen Twins.  Well, the whiter-trash version. Anycavities, Teef tells Tats that Kristin wants to go to lunch.  Teef stares straight ahead whilst talking and Tats spews out a “duuuude” like she just took a hit from the bong and stood up after a gang bang.
• Meanwhile, Stephanie Pratt successfully continues on her “Tour of Anorexia.”  Next stop, Steve Sanders and Heidi’s mountaintop rent-a-house.  Apparently they can reach the Hollywood sign from their kitchen window, which I think is great because I think I read somewhere that they think the Hollywood sign is slipping off the mountainside.  Hopefully their house will also fall off the mountain.  Although, I’m sure if it does someone will have a “Landslide House Fashion Show” benefit in Laguna Beach.
• Apparently Audrina blew off Kristin for lunch.  In actuality I think Audrina got the text message, but threw her phone down as she probably thought it was possessed.  In the end they needed to fill the empty seat across from Kristin and the casting peeps beeped LOser (I assume she wears a beeper) and, voila, LOser gets to have lunch….on camera!  Lucky her.
• The next day, or 10 days later, or a month before, Sandy Sanders, Audrina, and LOser are all doing the old “Hills standby” which consists of going to a clothing store and holding up clothes on a hanger all whilst recapping their day and making future plans.  They discuss Kristin waiting for Oddrina at lunch because, well, the script told them to and, literally, nothing else is going on in their lives, you know, besides this little show they’re on. Fail.
• Oh well now this is good.  A couple has been cast as Heidi and Steve Sanders new Hollywood Hills neighbors!  Seriously, they should have a laugh track and applause playing throughout this show.
• The neighbors and their nephew look like a United Colors of Benneton ad. Oh well that’s what you get for posting your casting notice on Craigslist.
• Remember when on “Who’s the Boss” they added that little kid, Billy, towards the end of the series in order to save the show?  Yeah, well, history is repeating itself.  They should have used Mrs. Rossini instead of this kid, who, I have to admit, may just be Frankie crawling around on his knees and wearing a hat.
• Oh and by the way, Heidi offered to babysit the little boy about 26 seconds after meeting the couple.  Diddler.
• That night, Audrina and LOser are watching the new band play with a chick as the lead singer.  They try to pass her off by some other name, but I’m pretty sure that chick is Posh Spice.  Ok, I just double checked on that.  It is.
• Next up, at da club, Kristin and Justin Bobert meet up with Frankie and Brody.  Brody is, of course, wearing his flannel shirt buttoned all they way up to his neck like he’s an 18 year old poor skateboarder and not a late twenty-something rich kid whose father just happens to be giving Kenny Rogers a run for his money in the facelift department.  Meanwhile, Jayde is doing her “sexy dance” with some blond chick and trying to look hot for the camera without trying to look hot for the camera.  Fail and win.
• Whilst at da club, Kristin and J Bob go from friends, to slow dancing to a techno song (beer bottle in hand), to playing “kiss, kiss, let’s kiss in front of an open window where the cameras and our scripted friends can scriptedly see.” It’s a fun game.  Somewhere, across town, Oddrina is staring into space trying to remember what the hell it is she’s doing, what day of the week it is, and if it’s possible to file your teeth all the way down to the gums…and if they will, in fact, grow back like hair.
• The next day (I guess) Billy from Who’s the Boss is at Steve Sanders and Heidi’s rent-a-house.  He’s playing Wii Tennis and I’m not quite sure what accent he has.  No joke, it starts to disappear and then Heidi starts speaking with one. 
• Steve Sanders shuts off the Wii and kicks Billy out of the house.  I don’t blame him.  I hear kids that age aren’t allowed to be on camera for more than 2 minutes at a time.  Child labor laws.
• I think Sandy Sanders is telling Oddy that J Bob kissed Kristin at da club.  I’m not sure because I keep looking at Sandy Sanders new nose and I’m trying to figure out what else she’s had done.  Her “Tour of Anorexia” is throwing me off a bit.  I wish she got the work done before the tour so that it would be easier for us to compare and contrast.
• Finally, Kristin and Justin Bobby III take his motorcycle for a ride.  They eat lunch, talk about how awesome they are, and Kristin says she’s having “fun” about ten times.  I don’t care what you all say, I like her.  I even like that voice.  Ahhh, it sounds like a tiger raping squirrels and, well, I’m into that.

The episode hurt my mind, but I must admit I actually really liked writing this recap.  Sometimes its more fun to just go off on tangents than really comment on the show.  Hmmph.  Go figure.

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The Hills Recap: The Script is Back

I mean, I don’t want to say that I’ve finally trumped my photoshopping skills, but apparently I have.  It is officially as ghetto as this site.  Score.  Anyway, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  The Hills is back and after praying to my Jesus Claus, he finally brought Kristin Cavallari back into our sad, pathetic, and tragic lives.  And I’m fine with all of that.  Just to make sure we’re all on the same page from last season, Lauren is dead to us, Audrina’s face-work really made me like her more, Steve Sanders and Heidi Montag are married and are hopefully closer to death, and Sandy Sanders face looked like it was going to explode.  Oh, and Staci the bartender existed.  Oh, and over the course of the entire season nothing happened.  Ok, we’re all caught up.  Let’s see what/who went down on last nights season premiere of a little show I like to call “The Hills Have Fallen Minus Lauren.”

• LOser, Sandy Sanders, and Oddrina are all having lunch and discussing the past life of Kristin Cavallari.  And by “eating lunch” I really mean that Sandy Sanders is scarfing down a cheeseburger and LOser is sipping tea.  Apparently Kristin slapped LC in the face years ago in the middle of the street outside of a club with Brody.  Maybe she was just trying to wipe the mustache off LC’s lip?  Poor Kristin gets such a bum rap.  Oh, and all the girls are saying what a trouble-making-whore she is, yet they end their conversation with “let’s give her the benefit of the doubt.”  They should have ended it with “Thank God for Kristin doing this new season or one or all of us would be filling out the application right now for Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.”
• Welcome back Heidi and Steve Sanders!  Within the first 3 seconds, Steve Sanders is still giving shout-outs to his Patron bottle again.  Against the dark leather seat, all you can see of Steve Sanders floating teeth and Santa pube beard. 
• The whole Douche-Bag -Gang is partying it up at the London Hotel in West Hollywood.  Remember towards the end of 90210 there was almost a whole new cast so it was almost like watching a whole new show?  Yeah, well, this is that.
• Kristin shows up to the party and let me just say that Kristin is way hotter than LC ever could be.  Yeah, I said it.  And what I like about her is that she doesn’t have anything else going on.  She’s not trying to do things like “work” or “start her own clothing line” or do “PR.”  Nothing.  She just wears short-shorts, looks hot, talks in that jacked-up voice, and looks into the camera about 15 times a crapisode.  LC who?
• Audrina’s beavy-teef are already in a panic because Kristin is breaking “girl-code” and talking to Justin Bobby. 
• 8 minutes in and we have our first scripted brawl.  Sandy Sanders, who apparently is 10′ 5″ is yelling at Kristin for J Bob not respecting Oddrina.  Kristin drops a few f-bombs, calls everyone “dude” a few hundred times, and tells Oddy to say it to her face….to which Oddrina raises her string-bean arm and lunges towards Kristin with her boobs almost falling out of her shirt….all whilst smiling and looking up towards the sky.  It’s official, Oddrina is a fem-bot.
• Later, Heidi and Steve Sanders are house hunting in Brentwood, CA.  PLEASE someone let OJ out of jail and release him back to Brentwood.  Please.  If these two end up stabbed to death on their front stairs not a jury in the world would find him guilty. 
• Why is Steve Sanders dressed like a cowboy? Eh, who cares.  This show is terrible.
• Meanwhile, Frankie is having his birthday party at a Mexican restaurant.  We could only get more stereotypical if they all arrived in the back of an open-air truck with the Taco Bell dog in his lap and Speedy Gonzales driving while Shakira yells “Ole” from the passenger seat.
• Kristin is chatting it up with Justin Bobby while LOser commits to her aviator sunglasses and talks smack from the other side of the table.  Also, why is Stacie the Bartender everywhere?  She’s as pointless a push up bra on Heidi.
• Kristin, J Bob and randoms go watch ”the game” after Frankie’s fiesta and Kristin yells things towards the TV such as “we have to win this game” and “did that go in?”  I’m sure if they showed the TV, it would be a Tom and Jerry rerun.
• Anyscript, Justin Bobby invites Kristin for a ride on his motorcycle as she claims to never have been on one.  Seriously this is the worst and it’s only the first episode.  I will never last the full season.
• Later Steve Sanders and Heidi and her chin all go house hunting again.  This time Heidi says the house looks like a “porno pad” (she would know) and Steve Sanders informs us all that he already put a deposit on the house to which Heidi is scriptedly upset.  We know this because her eyes squint when she talks.  I wonder their marriage will last?  I wonder if…oh wait, no one cares.  Next.
• In closing, Kristin and J Bob are on their “date” at STK.  Kristin tells J Bob that Oddrina is clearly in love with him.  Moments later J Bob tells Kristin that they should break in her bed.  Done and done. 

This was the worst episode ever.  Big let down.  Although there may be hope yet because “this season on The Hills”  HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag may have to go to rehab.  I love a drunken HOlly.  And, well, that’s about it.

The Hills Season Finale: Lauren is Dead…to Me.

Remember where you were when the Berlin Wall fell?  September 11th?  Jesus came back to earth to send Bindi Irwin directly to hell?  Well me too.  Similar to those important days in history you will always remember where you were when Lauren Conrad left “The Hills.”  It’s a sad day for everyone.  If Heidi and Audrina could still move their faces, they would show expressions of sadness.  Anyfinalscript, here’s what went down on the Season Finale of The Hills:

• With just 2 days to go before her wedding day, Heidi decides to actually start planning it.  Her magical day she describes sounds terrible.  She wants flowers all over the church so that it looks like a garden, she wants to be dripping in diamonds, she wants actual swans to be there, and she wants a white-chocolate-mousse-truffle-vanilla-berries-princess-cake.  Sure.  Let me break it down for you.  Flowers all over the church?  Allergy Palooza ‘09.  Dripping in diamonds?  If the lights hit the diamonds the right way we’ll be forced to see her chin and new nose light up like Rudolph.  Actual swans = swan shit all over the place.  That cake? Welcome to the new and exciting world of diabetes! I’ll pass on the entire ceremony and have a donkey back-kick me in the nuts for 45 minutes, thanks.
• Spencer is having a delightful lunch with Darlene and is trying to convince her that he’s a changed man.  This is where we get to hear two of our favorite Spencer references: “Da Club” and “I’m in therapy.”  Score!  Darlene gives him her blessing and considering she gave birth to Satan’s spawn, her blessing means the world to all of us.
• Fast forward and we’ve all been invited to Heidi’s bridal shower. I believe if we’re still following the timeline, this shower is 1.5 days before the actual wedding.  Luckily I’ve never been to a shower (or seldom take showers, but that’s a different story for a different time).  Heidi’s shower is the worst.  They’re playing games off of what I first assumed was “bridal shower card games” but after a moment or two figured it must be the cue cards shrunk down to size so that the cast can just hold them and read from them with ease.  We learn Heidi wants 4 children, all boys.  I’m sure all four will turn out to be serial rapists.
• Stop the press.  Stop the press.  Stop.  I believe all the bridal shower gifts that Heidi received can ALL be purchased from the Harriet Carter catalog…and I’m not joking.  If she pulls out a gun that squirts ketchup and mustard I’ll be convinced.
• Is HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag trashed?  She looks it and I think she’s slurring her one-liners.  Hopefully she is.  It makes her more interesting, more attractive, funnier, and overall a better person.
• Lauren and Broady are out for a sexless dinner and Lauren is clearly over the show. She’s making up a wedding song about Heidi making a big mistake and later somehow equates their wedding to a funeral.  At one point I’m pretty sure I see her mustache jump off her face and dance around a sombrero on the table.  She stabbed it with a fork and placed it back on her upper lip. I have no idea where I pulled that from.  Anystache, Broady comes up with a brilliant idea of making farting noises at the wedding when Heidi trots down the aisle.  I actually think this is a funny idea and for one split second I look at Broady and forget that his father has a horrible 1980’s facelift.  The second passes and I remember again.
• Broady must have left dinner with Lauren and ran right out to have a second dinner with Spencer because he has on the same shirt.  They had to film this crap quick.  Steve Sanders is spewing out all this crap and it’s so bad that Broady is laughing at him….actually I think he’s just laughing at the fact that this is all fake and he can’t believe it’s actually come to this.
• I’m sorry, is Lauren quitting life too?  She’s now meeting with Kelly CUNTrone and is leaving her “job” as well.  Kelly tries to give some advice to Lauren about what she should “do next.”  She never, however, mentions that in real life Lauren had her own fashion line and makes $75,000 per episode.  So, uh, something tells me that Lauren will figure out her “big life dilemma.”
• Timeline check:  10 hours until the wedding.  We’ve all been invited to the Pratt/Montag rehersal dinner.  How lucky.  Stephanie Pratt gives a toast and pretends to start crying.  Her voice is shaky, but I assume it’s just from the withdrawal of a booze and meth coctail.  Yes?
• FINALLY SOMETHING REAL!  HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is triggity-trashed!  Again!  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  They couldn’t even edit around this.  I’ve never said this before in my life, but she is officially a filthy-hot-mess.  Brilliant.  HOlly’s toast was a complete trainwreck and I honestly have no idea what she was talking about.  At one point she talks about Heidi praying in the woods with sticks and berries when she was a child to find her “love match.”  Seriously what!?!  Now if they could just get the rest of the cast drunk perhaps this show would be watchable next season!
• Next up, HOlly is trying to spit her gum out, hi-fiving the waiter, and throwing a potato at her brother, which accidentally hits Heidi and her expensive bag.  I give this scene an A+.  She excuses herself from the table and turns into that girl that everyone knows….the drunken mess who starts crying and making a scene.  Awesome!  Spencer starts talking about not throwing food at the dinner table and how that’s rude.  Darlene defends HOlly and tells Spencer that throwing food is not rude.  HOlly then says, “oh sorry I didn’t know we were dining with the king and queen.”  Again, awesome.  The only thing that would have made this better was if Heidi’s horse from Crested Butte was dry-humping Spencer’s “Nana” at the end of the table. Ole!
• The next day HOlly does apologize to Heidi and Heidi informs us all of a new word.  She tells HOlly that she would never “un-maid-of-honor” her.  She should have put HOlly to sleep and asked her horse to be the new Maid of Honor.
• It’s Lauren’s last party at her house that she may or may not own.  Broady and Stephanie make up and later Steph tries, once again, to convince LC to go to the circus wedding.  Do they know we’ve already seen the scene from the wedding where Lauren walks into the church last week?  Poor planning.
• Well it’s the wedding day, ladies and gentlemen, and all the blast from the past kids are back.  Brent Bolthouse (and his hat that I assume he and Audrina share back and forth), Kimberly and her sea of bangs, Broady and Jayde (who looks like she just made $20.00 on the corner before arriving), Frankie and his boredom, and the rest of the crew that has helped make our ears bleed for the past 3-4 years.
• Oh, and Stacie The Bartender (given birth name) shows up too because, you know, that’s not stretching it.
• Oh, and Justin Bobby just showed up as well.  I’m pretty sure he was just downstairs in the church at an AA meeting and happened to walk upstairs and into the wedding.  Audrina will show him her dead eyes multiple times throughout the ceremony. 
• Everyone in the crowd is giggling like little school girls, but probably because they realize what an absolute circus this really is….especially when Kristin Cavallari shows up, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
• Heidi is officially wearing all the jewelry that Paula Abdul usually wears whilst “judging” on American Idol.  And she keeps saying she looks like a swan princess.  What the F does that even mean? Stop staying it.
• What a scripted surprise!  Lauren shows up to the wedding and even sneaks back into the room to awkwardly hug Darlene and have a one-on-one chat with Heidi The Swan Princess.
• Meanwhile, in walks Kristin Cavallari to legitimate cued dramatic violin music.  I mean come on! You can’t even script this shit.  Ok, well you can.  Kristin walks right down the middle of the aisle and parks her ass directly next to Justin Bobby to the snickers and gasps from the d-list crowd. 
• Lauren and Kristin are wearing the same color dress.  Imagine that.
• LC and Heidi The Swan Princess complete their final chat with how happy she really is for HTSP and they hug it out and end it with a, legit, firm handshake.
• Not to be outdone, Lauren decides to walk directly in front of the entire church and sits right next to LOser.
• So here’s the deal.  Once LOser announces to LC that Kristin is there and that “they match” LC looks over and you can see it all over her face how disgusted she is, but NOT because of any rivalry with Kristin, but because Lauren realizes that the producers of the show set her up…once again.  For real. I cracked the code. 
• Heidi and Steve Sanders exchange vows and Steve Sanders does a lot of weird voice tones, pitches, and sound effects while placing the ring on Heidi’s finger.  All strange.  They are officially married for the 6th or 7th time in the past year.  I’ve lost count.
• Once the wedding is over, they make sure they let us know for the 14th time that Kristin knows LOser from Laguna Beach and that she set up Heidi and Spencer when she dated Broady back in the day.  We get it.  Kristin does, however, make a little dig towards Justin Bobby by calling him a “stand up guy.”  Audrina looked like she was about to swallow her beaver…teeth.
• Heidi throws a scripted toss of her bouquet and Kristin scriptedly catches it.  I’m glad Kristin was in the very front of the church and then later in the very front of the line to catch the bouquet because, you know, Kristin is close friend who would naturally be seated and standing ahead of Heidi’s family and other close friends.
• Lauren sneaks out the back door (which I’ve heard she usually takes it in), hops into her chauffeured black car, and that is the end of Lauren Conrad.  Never to be seen of or head from again.  Hundreds of years from now when children are reading about “The Hills” in their Social Studies classes they will still be asking why Lauren’s mustache and lines under her eyes were only exposed while she was in a dinner setting.  We. May. Never. Know.

THE END!

The Hills Recap: Hey Lauren, Yeah It’s Spencer. So, Um, Er, Uh, Yeah…Sorry About that Whole Sex Tape Thing.

We are officially just two crapisodes away from the season finale of The Hills and Lauren’s last episode…ever.  I hope they retire her mustache and raise it up to the rafters.  Maybe she’ll pass her mustache on to another cast-mate.  Perhaps Darlene Montag.  She’d look nice with it.  Anystache, here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

• We kick off this crapstorm with Heidi giving her own recap of last weeks episode to Stephanie.  Thanks for the play-by-play of the proposal, Heidi.  It was horrible to watch it and even more horrific to hear you talk about it.  Oh, and I guess that you just “casually” invite someone to your wedding these days because Heidi wants Stephanie to just “tell” Lauren to come to the wedding.  How not trashy.  She should just send out an “Evite.”
• IBBB interupts this recap to quickly bring up that fact that during the opening credits when Audrina is in her bathingsuit her boob is coming out of the bottom of her top.  It’s jammed in there like your souveneire t-shirts in your suitcase on your return trip from Disney World.  Carry on.
• If you’re on the freeway and see Stephanie Pratt driving, feel free to ram your car into the back of hers.  Here’s why.  Stephanie wears her seat-belt like a 3-year old who doesn’t know how to put one on.  She has the strap under her arm and over the top part of her stomach.  Wow, safe. 
• We’re only 4 minutes into this episode and it is filled with more more voiceovers than shots of LA.  I’m surprised one of the voiceovers doesn’t consist of, “I am the great and powerful OZ.  Pay no attention to the man behind that curtain.”
• Spencer and his d-bag amigo, Charlie, are at the driving range.  I’m sure comedy will ensue.  Spencer is dressed like a bitch.  He doesn’t look like he’s hitting golf balls.  He looks like he’s sweeping the leaves off the back porch.
• Meanwhile, Heidi, Sandy Sanders, and HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag are out buying a last minute wedding dress since, apparently, the wedding is next week.  Who knew you could plan a wedding (sponsored by Us Weekly) in 7 days.  How lucky of them.  Sandy tells Heidi and 10 inches of her fake hair, her injected lips, her new nose, and filed down chin, and her new boobs that it doesn’t look like Lauren is going to make it to the wedding after all.  Heidi’s eyes partially fill with tears and she stares into the mirror with her wedding dress on.  I’m not even convinced it’s a mirror.  I just think she’s staring into the camera.  Oh, and I’m also not even convinced this show is taped in LA.  I think it’s just in front of a giant green screen and half the people and places are computer generated.
• Later (probably like 6 months later) Lauren, Audrina, LOser, and Sandy Sanders are all on Wilshire Blvd having champagne…..well not “everyone.”  Sandy Sanders is having water because, well, I would imagine one sip of chamapagne would send her on a 3-week meth binge.  Like my 6th grade teacher used to say, “Drugs. 15 seconds of heaven and a lifetime of hell.”  If only she had known that The Hills would be on TV one day perhaps she would have said, “Drugs.  15 second of heaven and you starring in a reality show where you’re making tens-of-thousands of dollars an episode and everyone knows your name.”  That has a nice ring to it.
• The girls all talk about how at one point or another they all hated each other and the main reason…Spencer.  They should be thanking him, actually, for being such a douche or there probably would have never been a season 3.  Anyway, when Audrina and LOser both tell Lauren they’re actually thinking of going to Heidi’s wedding Lauren looked so pissed I was sure her mustache was going to jump off her face and slap the both of them in the mouth. 
• It’s time for the Young Hollywood (or something) party.  The scene starts out with Audrina asking Stephanie what she’s doing without her job.  Both Oddy and LOser laugh, but not because they’re mean skanks, but because even they know how ridiculous all of this is.  I’m sure the payment-per-episode of The Hills is enough for Stephanie to make ends meet.
• Brody and Jayde show up and sit near Oddy and crew.  I refuse to comment on any of this since this story is dumb.
• And enter Kelly CUNTrone!  Here she comes to save the day!  Kelly Cutrone is on her way!  Stephanie tries to blame Kelly for not being in the office enough and that’s basically why Stephanie is a reject of life.  In the 14 second scene, Kelly ends it with a “talk to the hand” and says goodbye to Stephanie.  Oh Kelly, you’re the best thing to happen to the show since Audrina’s new face.
• Over at Casa de Chin, Heidi is demanding that Steve Sanders call LC to apologize for everything so that she comes to the wedding.  Spencer, of course, does his baby voice when complaining that he doesn’t want to call LC.  The “end scene” music starts playing and Heidi awkwardly says “you better do this for me” and walks out of the scene.  She says it like she’s a mob boss.  She’s more like a boob boss.  Ouch, even I thought that joke was terrible.  Eh, I’m keeping it.
• Heidi later swings by Pubic Revolution to surprise Lauren and hand her a wedding invitation that looks as thin as the script this season.  Aren’t wedding invitations usually pretty thick?  Maybe this is like those one-card 5 year old birthday party invitations.  I hope Lauren RSVP’s in time so that they know how big of a cake to get!
• Lauren basically tells Heidi that she’s ruined all her relationships and is making a bad decision marrying Spencer.  Heidi starts doing the fake tears again, but with all the surgeries her face has a hard time working up some tears.  I’m surprised they didn’t shoot out of her ears.  Anyway, LC continues by saying that Heidi used to be able to light up a room and how she aspired to be like Heidi back then.  Ugh.  Really?  I don’t think I would admit that…ever.  Although, this did make me start picturing Lauren with a new face and a new rack.  I guess it wouldn’t have been that bad.
• Later, Spencer calls Lauren at “work” to apologize for the sex tape, etc.  Stop the press.  Is this the first time that The Hills has actually referenced something that happened outside of the show?  I think it is.  Wow.  We are making progress.  Meanwhile Lauren looks like she’s going to take a huge dump while Spencer is saying “sorry” to her and come to the wedding.  Oh, and why would Lauren answer the phone if it came up on her caller ID that (A) it said “Spencer Pratt” or (B) it said “Unknown Caller.  Does Lauren just answer no matter who calls?  This is all leading me to believe that a call didn’t actually take place between Spencer and Lauren.  I think it was staged.  I know, I’m a genius.

Next week Kristin Cavallari is back!  And what’s even better is that they have her walking down the aisle (during Heidi’s wedding) after the ENTIRE church is already seated.  Brilliant.  Finally.  I mean if this crap is going to be all fake they might as well put a little effort into it.

The Hills Recap: Introducing Bill Montag, the American Version of Juan Valdez

• Yeeee Haw!  Bill Montag is coming to town!  Heidi alerts Spencer that her “real dad” is coming to town to meet him and that he’s a real life cowboy who will probably bring his shotgun with him to LA.  Really?  Are you allowed to bring a shotgun with you on the plane from the Wild Wild West to sunny Los Angeles?  Hmmm.  Maybe the FAA and government relaxed their rules a bit.  I mean, 9-11 was a while ago and not really that big of a deal so I’m sure “guns on planes” is totally acceptable now. 
• Reunion Time!  Chiara is back!  You may remember Chiara as Audrina’s work sidekick who always looked like she left a ring around the tub.  Well, she’s back and still looks like she stinks like the basement of a church.  The boring conversation between Oddy and Chiara is livened up when someone dressed like a horse-like creature, carrying a horse-like head walks by.  This, in fact, proves to be the most interesting part of the entire episode.  I’m sure if Heidi’s horse from Crested Butte is watching this, he’s pleasuring himself right now.
• These two champs are in a scene together because some band, perhaps White Tie Affair, are shooting a music video.  Apparently Stephanie Pratt got plowed by the guitarist in the band on drunken-meth-filled-night a while back.  The guy she did “boom boom” with kinda looks Sloth from Goonies, but with emo hair.  Well, either Sloth or Rocky Dennis from “Mask” if they squished his face a little more together. 
• …And enter Bill Montag!  Bill, the American version of Juan Valdez, is everything one could dream of when trying to come up with a stereotypical concept of Heidi’s dad.  I’m sure the props department had a blast with this one.  Bill Valdez is supposed to be intimidating to Spencer, but you know it was all just the rusty editing machine trying to make a boring scene into something decent one last time before the season ends.  They make it seem like Bill is just staring at Spencer, but every shot of him from behind you can actually see the side of his face moving….because he’s talking….and not staring.  Nice try, MTV.  Now use Bill Valdez’s shotgun on that editing machine and start over.  D-.
• Later that night Sandy Sanders, Audrina, and “the band” head out for some drinks.  When Sandy is left alone with the guitar player the real magic happens.  Sloth kinda just repeats himself with such “band catch phrases” as “it’s hard being on the road,”  “yeah we’re on the road,” “being on the road,” “the road,” and for some reason he sorta just keeps repeating “yeah somethin’ like that.”  The writers must have been too busy trying to de-rust the editing machine to spend anytime on lines for this douche.
• Oh and the guitar player has a live-in girlfriend and Steph is pissed.  I actually don’t understand anything that is going on right now.
• The next day, Steve Sanders and Bill Valdez are taking a romantic walk along the beach.  Bill, of course, is wearing his cowboy hat, puffy jean jacket, and apparently, mustard yellow jeans and cowboy boots.  The yellow jeans threw me off a bit.  It’s like he’s a mix between a cowboy and Keenan Ivory Wayans. 
• I just realized that Lauren’s mustache will one day be as thick and grey as Heidi’s dad’s. Lucky.
• Bill Valdez gives Steve Sanders his permission to marry his whore-bag daughter.  What a real treat all this is for the viewer. 
• It’s Firing Day at Pubic Revolution: Ok so here’s the best part of the episode.  I knew that Stephanie would not disappoint.  Lauren, literally, tells Steph that Kelly can’t take the time to train her and can’t have her working here anymore…..to which Stephanie’s eyes fill up and she literally says, “This is like being fired right now.”  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Tell her what she’s won, Johnny!  After the faux-tears continue, Steph says, “This is awkward.  Should I, like, leave right now?”  No no Steph you should totally stay.  In America it’s customary once you’re fired from a job to continue your work day until you’re fired for a second time.  Ironically, if once you are fired the second time in one day AND you see your shadow whilst being fired….6 more weeks of winter.
• Steph packs up her desk…which consists of her putting her phone in her purse, hugs Lauren, and then Lauren collapses to her desk.  Life is very tough for both Lauren and Stephanie.  We all have our crosses to bear.
• Holy CRAP!  The “next day” Steph meets Heidi for a little lunch and something is DEFINITELY wrong with Stephanie’s face.  For real.  It’s huge.  Her face looks all puffy and frozen.  I’m not joking.  She’s starting to look like Chris Farley when he would dress up like a woman for the “Gap Girls” skits.  What drug would you be on that would inflate your face?  Someone Google that.
• Stephanie tells Heidi that’s she been fired.  Yawn.  She then tells her that the dude from White Tie Affair has a live-in girlfriend to which Heidi gives the same reaction you would give someone if they told you they only had 3 days left to live.  Heidi is a wonderful actress and a good person all around.  I just wanted to say that.
• Finally, in the end, Steve Sanders and Heidi are up on a Ferris Wheel and I doubt that he’s going to ask Heidi to marry him (for the 5th time).  I doubt it.  I totally doubt it.  Wait.  Wait. Wait!  He did!  Heidi squeals with delight, like the pig she is, and says “yes” especially to the new ring that she has.  While all of this bores me, you know what I’m having fun trying to figure out?  If Heidi and Steve Sanders are at the top of the Ferris Wheel….where’s the camera guy?  You would think he would be directly across from them, but when they show their “cart” they’re sitting in, it’s just them two.  Could the camera crew be a little lower and shooting up?  Is there another cart that is equal height once you’re at the top?  I can’t remember, but I’m having more fun thinking about this than watching this crapisode of The Hills.
• Anyway, Heidi loves her ring, shows it to the camera, and even when she kisses Steve Sanders she still poses with the ring directly next to her face.  She is a terrible, terrible person who will rot in hell.  I will, of course, see her there and will recap her hell experience and mine. 

The Hills Recap: The Episode Where Everyone Goes to Work

You know they’re hitting tilt on the “desperate-o-meter” where the majority of The Hills episode is based on Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Heidi, and Stephanie working.  And come to think of it there aren’t 5 more deserving girls who should hold down employment.  Here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

• The opening scene was so drunkenly edited that I borderline have no clue what took place.  Once again Audrina has hypnotized me with her Milli Vanilli hat.  Lauren throws in joke that Lo thinks her new boss is “the big chesse.”  Lauren is very pleased with her joke and basically squeals with delight.  I bet Lauren is a lot of fun at parties.  LOser is going to be working at Smashbox, which I’m pretty sure was the name of the “club” that Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky owned on Full House.  Human Pudding performed there.  I hope LOser can book them too.  “We’re human. We’re pudding.  We’re human pudding.”
• Ever notice how when people on The Hills enter a restaurant of some sort they immediately sit right down?  They never stand there for a second and do what every other person in America does which is, “Can we sit here?  Do you think it’s ok if we sit here?  Do you want to sit inside or outside?”  Nope, they just aim for a specific table like a kamikaze pilot.  Either that or maybe they just choose the table that has all the lighting set up around it.  One may never know.  This is one for the great philosophers to ponder.
• So I’m convinced that Sandy Sanders is back on the meth or some other type of drug.  She informs us all that she met some dude named Robert Roberto Bert and she would like to focus on him instead of stressing about her “job.”  At one point she stares into space whilst Lauren is running her lines and says she’s trying to picture him.  I would have pulled a hair out of her head and immediately performed a drug test, but that’s just me.  You out there would, perhaps, want to wait and drug test her after lunch is over.
• I miss Kimberly’s bangs.  Heidi and Kimberly are on their “lunch break” from CrackHouse and Heidi is still talking about Stacie the bartender like she makes a commission every time she says “Stacie” out loud.  Kimberly gives Heidi some advice to tell Stacie that “where I’m from we don’t deal with this.”  Really Kimberly?  Really?  Heidi’s from Crested Butte.  I’m pretty sure they f*ck horses and marry pigs there.  It’s like Charlotte’s Web come to life.  Ok, fine, I never read Charlotte’s Web, but I assume there was some horse f*cking and pig weddings.  Am I right?
• Meanwhile back at Pubic Revolution, the “lunch break” is over for Lauren and Sandy Sanders and while Lauren is still in her same black outfit and knit hat, Sandy Sanders has completely changed her clothes.  She was in this white and purple nana dress during lunch and now she’s in her “meth factory” outfit at work.  Eh, who cares.
• The meth must be kicking back in because Lauren is leaving Sandy Sanders a list of demands for the big shoot with LOser and Smashbox and Sandy is just zoning in and out…that is until her phone rings with the song No Diggigty by Blackstreet.  Brilliant.  We are lucky enough to hear this ringtone later in the crapisode again.  Anyway, like an episode of I Love Lucy something tells me that hijinks will ensue at the Smashbox shoot and Stephanie is going to have some ’splaining to do!
• Now it’s time for Audrina to be “at work.”  Audrina is a no-nonsense business woman and says such work things as “we need the lights on” and “the band is really excited” and “you’re going to do amazing.”  Her “work” is short-lived because Justin Bobby calls her to “talk” during the “concert.”  Oddrina agrees to see J Bob tomorrow.  I’m on the edge of my seat.  Oh, and I’ve placed broken glass on the floor so being on the edge of my seat increases the chances of me falling off my couch and onto the broken glass…and dying.
• It’s Smashbox shoot day and we get to see LOser at “work.”  You’re never going to believe what happens.  Spoiler Alert:  Stephanie never packed the clothes for Lauren that she asked her to!  Ruh-roooooo!  LC calls Stephanie who is at lunch with Robert Roberto Bert and can’t get the correct clothes.  LC hangs up on her in a scripted huff.  See you in the unemployment line, Steph.
• Later that night Heidi struts her plastic stuff up the street to confront Stacie at The Dime.  Stacie says to Heidi “funny seeing you here” to which Heidi replies “funny seeing you here.”  Uh, is it funny?  Really?  Stacie ASKED Heidi to meet her there so it’s not really “funny seeing Heidi there” and Stacie actually “works” there so it’s not really “funny seeing Stacie there.”  What is funny is that Heidi’s muppet hair doesn’t catch on fire from all the lights that are around her.
• The fight between Stacie and Heidi makes no sense…sort of like the show.  They are pretty much running lists of what they think of each other.  Heidi thinks Stacie is a homewrecker, rude, and a slut.  At the same time Stacie thinks Heidi is crazy and her boyfriend is a dick.  I mean they all bring up very very very valid points about each other.  In the end Heidi instructs Stacie to say away from her boyfriend and to “stay away from LA.”  At first I was like, maybe she meant stay away from LC, but nope, she said to stay away from LA.  Poor Stacie.  She’s going to have to move now.  Did Heidi technically issue a restraining order?  She knows you have to file for one of those, right?  And not just make one up?
• Across town another fight is taking place between Audrina and Justin Bobby.  Audrina is all business.  She sits down and tells J Bob that she’s done with him.  They then both get up, without paying for the beers that miraculously appeared on their table, and J Bob races her to the door.  They faux-fight on the street and I’m pretty sure at one point I saw Audrina pull out a z-snap.  Good for her for bringing that back.  Justin is all pissed that Audrina slept in Brody’s bed.  Apparently he doesn’t know that (1) that was scripted and (2) it never happened.
• Hey Steve Sanders is finally in this episode…with 2 minutes remaining.  Heidi tells Steve Sanders that she took care of Stacie and that she felt like she was in hell and spent time in Satan’s dungeon.  Wait, what?  Is Heidi using some of Stephanie’s meth?  Did I miss like 15 episodes of The Hills?  I’m confused.
• In the end Kelly CUNTrone, the best cast memeber of The Hills, walks into Pubic Revolution looking like Jonh Lennon and lets Lauren and Stephanie know that she’s not so happy and that she wants to meet with Lauren and not Stephanie.
• Kelly Cutrone is the best thing that has ever happened to my life and here’s why.  While meeting with Lauren, Lauren tells her that Stephanie was on her lunch break which is why Stephanie couldn’t bring the clothes to the Smashbox shoot.  Kelly replies that she hasn’t been on a lunch break in 5 years.  Awesome. I also think Kelly hasn’t washed her hair in 5 years, but I still love her.  Kelly also says that any fashion girl would have stopped what she was doing to bring the clothes.  In fact, she said even if they were about to get engaged they would have said, “nice ring, excuse me, I’ll be right back.”  Brilliant.  Kelly also tells LC that she is the one who must fire Stephanie by the end of the week.  LC goes back to her “desk” and doesn’t quite yet fire Stephanie….that will happen next week.

Well that’s all folks.  The “take-away” from this episode is that even with the unemployment rate at an all-time-high there are still undeserving people who are taking your jobs.

The Hills Recap: Jayde and Her Bottle of Jager Really Class Up the Crapisode

• Not only did I forget the Heidi works at Bolthouse again, but I forgot that Kimberly, her co-worker, was alive.  It’s nice to see her again.  I bet she wrote to the producers asking them to have her back on the show since she grew her bangs out.  Why she’s dressed like a little sailor girl is another question for another time answered by another person.  Perhaps Jesus can answer that.
• Someone throw a screwdriver in the editing machine to slow it down for a second! Frankie and Doug live together?  Do we know this?  They are like the Ernie and Bert for a whole new generation.  DouK isn’t in town for the “party” that Frankie is throwing, but come to think of it I don’t think we’ve ever actually seen Frankie and DouK in the same scene together.  Hmmm.  I wonder if Frankie just tosses on a mask and plays the role of DouK to get more money for the show?  Ole!
• The party is like a typical “Hills” party in which all the dudes are wearing sunglasses inside the house.  On the flip side, Jayde looks  like the kind of girl who’s about to enter a Gang Bang as soon as the Hills camera guy yells “cut.”  She also looks like a drunk, which, don’t get me wrong, can be cool.
• Heidi, Sandy Sanders, and HOlly Ethal Mertz Montag are heading out for the night to “da club” to see if Steve Sanders shows up because Stacie text messaged him telling him that she and her whore-bag friends would be at “da club” that night.  Heidi looks like she has both Olsen Twins stapled to her head.  No person needs that much fake hair.  Also, it’s funny how HOlly Ethal Mertz Montag got the “lips” in the family.  Heidi’s been injecting her lips for years now and HOlly is au natural.  Either that or she just glued some Mr Potato Head lips to her mouth, which would be totally fine since she seldom says anything of interest.
• Sandy Sanders Quote of the Day: “Deliberately.  Malicious, deliberate….skankily.”  I love skankily.  More skankily, please!
• The Staged Battle of Stacie and Heidi continues.  This time, Stacie waves to Heidi from across the room and Sandy Sanders ducks down like bullets are coming out of Stacie’s hand.  Stacie and her crew head over to Heidi’s table and Heidi really lets her have it!  Ok, so I made that part up.  Heidi was spewing out some crap about Stacie being coniving, but I was falling in and out of consciousness.  Stacie, who begins talking in the third person tells Heidi that there will always be another Stacie in Spencer’s life.  Stacie’s like a fortune teller!  I wonder if she sees a job in Spencer’s future?
• Back at “the party” Jayde is already yelling at Brody once Audrina and her new face walk into the party.  Can we just clear something up?  Audrina just supposedly slept in Brody’s bed, right?  Like just slept?  Jayde is making this out to be like Audrina is pregnant.  She does, however, ask Frankie if he’s retarded….so, uh, I’m sure she’s picked up even more fans with that comment. 
• Jayde finally confronts Audrina about something that I still don’t know I’m sure happened.  Poor Audrina.  She looked confused and sleepy all at the same time while sitting on the couch being yelled at by Jayde.  By the way, is Jayde the “Valerie Malone” of The Hills?  Wow. Steve Sanders AND Valerie Malone?  It’s like a 90210 reunion every week!
• Audrina leaves the party, Brody yells at Jayde, and Jayde starts literally chugging Jager directly from the bottle.  I have 5 words for you: Class Act.
• Heidi and Steve Sanders are back at therapy with Dr. Jordana Mansfucker.  This chick needs her license taken away from her STAT.  They spend the whole “session” talking about Heidi going through Spencer’s phone and Stacie and “da club.”  This storyline is the worst.
• Time for another “club” scene.  Audrina and her new face and Sandy Sanders are heading out to “da club” and run into Jayde/Valerie Malone and Brody.  Val is, yet again, drinking Jager directly out of the bottle.  I pray to Santa Christ that we one day see her on an episode of Intervention and I hope that day is soon….like this coming Monday night.
• Audrina and her new face sit down with Brody, Val, and her skanked-out friends.  One of Val’s feisty friends starts talking all this smack about our beloved Audrina and her new face and then Audrina and her new face go off on Val.  Val, the drunken skank, swears like a drunken sailor.  She’s starting to grow on me.  Not literally.  That would probably hurt.
• Audrina and her new face and Sandy Sanders end up leaving “da club” and Val celebrates her victory by shoving her tounge down Brody’s throat in front of the camera crew.
• The next morning Audrina and her new face, Lauren, and LOser all get into some bright colored costumes to meet up and discuss this ridiculous situation that I am, sadly, writing about.  I blank out of the majority of the conversation because I am hypnotized by Audrina’s hat. 
• Oh, and Lauren’s mustache is back, which is nice to see.  In these tough economic times, Lauren’s mustache brings comfort to me.
• In the end, Lauren and Brody meet up for a little lunch Lauren tells Brody to apologize to Audrina since they are such good friends.  Are they really that good friends?  I’ve barely seen them say two words to each other in 3 seasons.  Eh, who cares.
• The END!  Thank God. Worst. Ever.