I have no words. Ok, I have a few. I’m feeling many mixed emotions now that The Hills is over and I’m having a hard time articulating exactly how this makes me feel. I researched the brilliance of William Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Socrates, and Aristotle to help me find the words so that I could place them on paper. But you know what? None of them could quite help me. So I went to my secret back-up person who I knew would be able to help me get my feelings out to the folks at MTV who’ve decided to cancel The Hills and it goes a little something like this:
“You’re so selfish. You’re self-centered. All you care about is yourself.” ~ A. Patridge © 2009
Here’s what went down on the (gulp) final crapisode (sniff) of The (punch to nuts) Hills (shaking fist to the sky):
- The girls are all hanging out and talking about how they’re all going through a mid-20′s-life-crisis. No one knows what they want to do and what’s next for them. Well, Lo does. Lo says she wants little babies. Does she mean right now? Like does she want little babies like a kidnapper would or does she want to make little babies? If she wants to make them she’s sitting the wrong way and someone should tell Steph to get her penis ready then. Kristin feels like she needs a change. Maybe she should try the Activia Challenge, but try to hold it in for as long as she can. Oh, did she mean a bigger change than that? Oh. Well, I’m out of ideas then.
- Brody, Sleezy T, and Frankie all go golfing. Is it wrong that I secretly hope that OJ comes by in a golf cart and stabs them all? I’m kidding. It’s not a secret. It’s ironic that they’re chit-chattin’ like pre-pubescent girls whilst hitting golf balls because I truly feel that The Hills has been taking a club to my balls for the past four years. Circle of life, people, circle of life.
- Later that night Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are at Kristin’s house sipping white-trash-white-wine and talking about, you guessed it, Kristin. I was hoping this would be the time when Kristin came clean on her drug problem that everyone stopped talking about after the second episode but, alas, it wasn’t. Instead Kristin tells Stacie that she needs to move on and go somewhere that she’s never been before and that makes her totally anxious and scared. My guess? A library. But no, Kristin instead decides to go right off the script and say, “Europe.” Are they setting us up for “Kristin Cavallari’s European Vacation?”
- Stephanie Pratt heads out to Corona, CA (fitting) to see her “friend” Pauly Shore race his dirt bike for 1 lap around the track and then they decided to talk about their relationship. This is the part where I get all secondhand-embarrassment. Steph is telling Pauly Shore that he’s the manliest guy she ever dated, but that he’s also like a Care Bear. I would have gone with Garbage Pail Kid, but that’s just me. After that awkward exchange and Pauly puts on a dress, they both decide to be exclusive and become “boyfriend and girlfriend.” Gross. I wonder if he’s going to pin her sweater at the Sock Hop this Friday night? Kill yourself, everyone. I like how MTV is trying their best to wrap up everyone’s storyline in their 2 minute scene.
- Meanwhile, Kristin stops by the roof of Brody’s condo (hopefully to jump) because he’s up there swimming. Please note that Kristin’s dress is about 2 centimeters away from good old Cooche-land and with the strong winds I’m sure we’ll all get a quick glimpse of where exactly she hides her script.
- Kristin invites Brody to her “going nowhere” party and Brody wants no part of it. He doesn’t think she should be moving away just because he is dating a little boy named Avril Lavigne. They kind of have a mini sass-off and Kristin walks away hoping that Brody will show up to her party. You know who I’d love to show up to the party? A drunken Holly Ethel Mertz Montag. We should have never strayed away from that storyline.
- Audrina bought another F’n house? Seriously, who knew beaver teeth and a rack could get you so much money?! I’m going to go beaver hunting (giggity). Anyteef, Audrina is moving to Hermosa Beach, CA and is showing Steph her new (maxi) pad. You can totally tell Audrina is over this show and is ready to start her own filming on her own show that we’ve been hearing about, but have never seen, for the past 2 years. She won’t even be showing up to Kristin’s “going nowhere” party because she’s over the club scene. Audrina ends her scene by asking, “It’s like, what’s going to happen to all of us, you know?” Well, I’m glad you asked, Oddy. Here’s the 411:
- Stephanie Pratt: Another DUI, unwed mother of two, new face.
- Audrina Patridge: Smaller teeth, bigger boobs.
- Lo Bosworth: First person on the moon. Er…
- Kristin Cavallari: Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, many straight-to-DVD movies, possible co-owner of an Orange Julius.
- Brody Jenner: Bruce Jenner face transplant recipient.
- Justin Bobby: JustinBobby.com
- Stacie the Pointless Bartender: Stacie the Pointless Hostess
- Frankie Delgado: President of the United States of America
- It’s time for Kristin’s “going nowhere” party at the Roosevelt Hotel and Frankie is a dancing machine. Good for him. They should make him a full time character for next season. Oh. Moving on. Everyone is hugging and acting like they’re all going to death row after this when that’s certainly not the case. I mean, Steph probably is, but not the rest of them.
- Just when drunken Kristin didn’t think that Brody would show up, he did. This is when it gets really awkward. Kristin tries to explain why she’s leaving to go to the set of Europe and Brody tells her that he’s going to miss her and that she shouldn’t go. This is when we get to see tears from Kristin. I didn’t see any pins sticking in her legs so I wonder if it’s real. We even get one single tear from Brody. I wonder if his 2004 trucker hat is pinching his head or if he’s really sad that Kristin is pretending to leave? Isn’t this kind of how Friends ended? You know, if the Friends were a bunch of entitled douche-mongers? I mean, they kind of were but still.
- The “next day” Lo and her boyfriend decide to go against her rule of waiting to be engaged until they move in together and they’re just going to live in sin and call it a day. You’re going to go to hell for that one, Lo. Best wishes to you and your boyfriend. I swear to God if I see any form of a spin-off with you two I will call the police and have you arrested for harassment.
- It’s “moving day” for Kristin and she’s all packed up with her one suitcase. As she leaves the front door she looks back at the house that she’s had so many memories in. A lifetime of memories, some would say. Oh wait, she just rented that house 3 months ago? She’s probably quickly doing a last minute sweep for used condoms.
- As she and Stacie the Pointless Bartender…oh you know what, I’ve given Stacie enough crap. She’s no longer “Stacie the Pointless Bartender.” How about she’s just “Stacie?” Yeah, that has a nice ring to it. Um…er…ugh….uh….wait a second. How about “Stacie the Pointless Human.” Ahhhh there we go. Phew! That was a close one. Ok, back to the scene. Stacie the Pointless Human is outside with Kristin tossing her prop suitcase into the back of a car when all of a sudden Brody shows up. This would be like when Ross went to the airport to stop Rachel from moving to Paris. Brody tells Kristin that if he ever knew she would move away because he was seeing someone else he would have never done it. Rachel decides she needs to move to Paris anyway Kristin decides she needs to take her one suitcase to Europe anyway. And they hug goodbye (forever) all while Natasha Beddingfield sings, “Unwritten” in the background. I sh*t you not.
- We then have a video montage of all the cast through the years…like this is their eulogy.
- And then….Shut. Your. Dumb. Whorey. Mouth. Wow. I have to admit this was probably the best ending I, personally, could ever have wished for. Brody is standing there watching Kristin drive away and then the background drops, someone yells cut, the car stops Kristin gets out, they hug, and we see that they’re not on Kristin’s street but on a mother f-ing set. Seriously, brilliant. I’m at a loss for words because this is EXACTLY how I would have ended it and you know that. Brilliant. It was like a big middle finger from the folks at MTV and, I have to say, I think it was to me personally. Ok it wasn’t but you know what I mean. The only thing that would have made it better, the only thing, would be if they then took the batteries out of Heidi and placed her into a box and stored her on the “Prop Shop” shelf.
Seriously, great ending. I’m not sure how people felt about this but I couldn’t believe my eyes. Finally, finally, The Hills got it right.
As a wise man once said, “Go go lucky” and you know what? He’s right. Go, go lucky.