The Hills Series Finale Recap: So That Ending Was Specifically For Me, Right?

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I have no words.  Ok, I have a few.  I’m feeling many mixed emotions now that The Hills is over and I’m having a hard time articulating exactly how this makes me feel.  I researched the brilliance of William Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Socrates, and Aristotle to help me find the words so that I could place them on paper.  But you know what?  None of them could quite help me.  So I went to my secret back-up person who I knew would be able to help me get my feelings out to the folks at MTV who’ve decided to cancel The Hills and it goes a little something like this:

“You’re so selfish.  You’re self-centered.  All you care about is yourself.”  ~ A. Patridge © 2009

Here’s what went down on the (gulp) final crapisode (sniff) of The (punch to nuts) Hills (shaking fist to the sky):

  • The girls are all hanging out and talking about how they’re all going through a mid-20′s-life-crisis.  No one knows what they want to do and what’s next for them.  Well, Lo does.  Lo says she wants little babies.  Does she mean right now?  Like does she want little babies like a kidnapper would or does she want to make little babies?  If she wants to make them she’s sitting the wrong way and someone should tell Steph to get her penis ready then.  Kristin feels like she needs a change.  Maybe she should try the Activia Challenge, but try to hold it in for as long as she can.  Oh, did she mean a bigger change than that?  Oh.  Well, I’m out of ideas then.
  • Brody, Sleezy T, and Frankie all go golfing.  Is it wrong that I secretly hope that OJ comes by in a golf cart and stabs them all?  I’m kidding.  It’s not a secret.  It’s ironic that they’re chit-chattin’ like pre-pubescent girls whilst hitting golf balls because I truly feel that The Hills has been taking a club to my balls for the past four years.  Circle of life, people, circle of life.
  • Later that night Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are at Kristin’s house sipping white-trash-white-wine and talking about, you guessed it, Kristin.  I was hoping this would be the time when Kristin came clean on her drug problem that everyone stopped talking about after the second episode but, alas, it wasn’t.  Instead Kristin tells Stacie that she needs to move on and go somewhere that she’s never been before and that makes her totally anxious and scared.  My guess?  A library.  But no, Kristin instead decides to go right off the script and say, “Europe.”  Are they setting us up for “Kristin Cavallari’s European Vacation?”
  • Stephanie Pratt heads out to Corona, CA (fitting) to see her “friend” Pauly Shore race his dirt bike for 1 lap around the track and then they decided to talk about their relationship.  This is the part where I get all secondhand-embarrassment.  Steph is telling Pauly Shore that he’s the manliest guy she ever dated, but that he’s also like a Care Bear.  I would have gone with Garbage Pail Kid, but that’s just me.  After that awkward exchange and Pauly puts on a dress, they both decide to be exclusive and become “boyfriend and girlfriend.”  Gross.  I wonder if  he’s going to pin her sweater at the Sock Hop this Friday night?  Kill yourself, everyone.   I like how MTV is trying their best to wrap up everyone’s storyline in their 2 minute scene.
  • Meanwhile, Kristin stops by the roof of Brody’s condo (hopefully to jump) because he’s up there swimming.   Please note that Kristin’s dress is about 2 centimeters away from good old Cooche-land and with the strong winds I’m sure we’ll all get a quick glimpse of where exactly she hides her script.
  • Kristin invites Brody to her “going nowhere” party and Brody wants no part of it.  He doesn’t think she should be moving away just because he is dating a little boy named Avril Lavigne.  They kind of have a mini sass-off and Kristin walks away hoping that Brody will show up to her party.  You know who I’d love to show up to the party?  A drunken Holly Ethel Mertz Montag.  We should have never strayed away from that storyline.
  • Audrina bought another F’n house?  Seriously, who knew beaver teeth and a rack could get you so much money?!  I’m going to go beaver hunting (giggity).  Anyteef, Audrina is moving to Hermosa Beach, CA and is showing Steph her new (maxi) pad.  You can totally tell Audrina is over this show and is ready to start her own filming on her own show that we’ve been hearing about, but have never seen, for the past 2 years.  She won’t even be showing up to Kristin’s “going nowhere” party because she’s over the club scene.  Audrina ends her scene by asking, “It’s like, what’s going to happen to all of us, you know?”  Well, I’m glad you asked, Oddy.  Here’s the 411:
    • Stephanie Pratt:  Another DUI, unwed mother of two, new face.
    • Audrina Patridge:  Smaller teeth, bigger boobs.
    • Lo Bosworth: First person on the moon.  Er…
    • Kristin Cavallari: Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, many straight-to-DVD movies, possible co-owner of an Orange Julius.
    • Brody Jenner:  Bruce Jenner face transplant recipient.
    • Justin Bobby:  JustinBobby.com
    • Stacie the Pointless Bartender:  Stacie the Pointless Hostess
    • Frankie Delgado:  President of the United States of America
  • It’s time for Kristin’s “going nowhere” party at the Roosevelt Hotel and Frankie is a dancing machine.  Good for him.  They should make him a full time character for next season.  Oh.  Moving on.  Everyone is hugging and acting like they’re all going to death row after this when that’s certainly not the case.  I mean, Steph probably is, but not the rest of them.
  • Just when drunken Kristin didn’t think that Brody would show up, he did. This is when it gets really awkward.  Kristin tries to explain why she’s leaving to go to the set of Europe and Brody tells her that he’s going to miss her and that she shouldn’t go.  This is when we get to see tears from Kristin.  I didn’t see any pins sticking in her legs so I wonder if it’s real.  We even get one single tear from Brody.  I wonder if his 2004 trucker hat is pinching his head or if he’s really sad that Kristin is pretending to leave?  Isn’t this kind of how Friends ended?  You know, if the Friends were a bunch of entitled douche-mongers?  I mean, they kind of were but still.
  • The “next day” Lo and her boyfriend decide to go against her rule of waiting to be engaged until they move in together and they’re just going to live in sin and call it a day.  You’re going to go to hell for that one, Lo.  Best wishes to you and your boyfriend.  I swear to God if I see any form of a spin-off with you two I will call the police and have you arrested for harassment.
  • It’s “moving day” for Kristin and she’s all packed up with her one suitcase.  As she leaves the front door she looks back at the house that she’s had so many memories in.  A lifetime of memories, some would say.  Oh wait, she just rented that house 3 months ago? She’s probably quickly doing a last minute sweep for used condoms.
  • As she and Stacie the Pointless Bartender…oh you know what, I’ve given Stacie enough crap.  She’s no longer “Stacie the Pointless Bartender.”  How about she’s just “Stacie?”  Yeah, that has a nice ring to it.  Um…er…ugh….uh….wait a second.  How about “Stacie the Pointless Human.”  Ahhhh there we go.  Phew!  That was a close one.  Ok, back to the scene.  Stacie the Pointless Human is outside with Kristin tossing her prop suitcase into the back of a car when all of a sudden Brody shows up.  This would be like when Ross went to the airport to stop Rachel from moving to Paris.  Brody tells Kristin that if he ever knew she would move away because he was seeing someone else he would have never done it.  Rachel decides she needs to move to Paris anyway Kristin decides she needs to take her one suitcase to Europe anyway.  And they hug goodbye (forever) all while Natasha Beddingfield sings, “Unwritten” in the background.  I sh*t you not.
  • We then have a video montage of all the cast through the years…like this is their eulogy.
  • And then….Shut. Your. Dumb. Whorey.  Mouth.  Wow.  I have to admit this was probably the best ending I, personally, could ever have wished for.  Brody is standing there watching Kristin drive away and then the background drops, someone yells cut, the car stops Kristin gets out, they hug, and we see that they’re not on Kristin’s street but on a mother f-ing set.  Seriously, brilliant.  I’m at a loss for words because this is EXACTLY how I would have ended it and you know that.  Brilliant.  It was like a big middle finger from the folks at MTV and, I have to say, I think it was to me personally.  Ok it wasn’t but you know what I mean.  The only thing that would have made it better, the only thing, would be if they then took the batteries out of Heidi and placed her into a box and stored her on the “Prop Shop” shelf.

Seriously, great ending.  I’m not sure how people felt about this but I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Finally, finally, The Hills got it right.

As a wise man once said, “Go go lucky” and you know what?  He’s right.  Go, go lucky.

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The Hills Recap: The One Where the Producers, Writers, and Directors All Give Up

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  • Remember on The Hills when LC and Heidi’s friendship was on the fritz and Heidi was going to move out and no one knew if they would be friends again and it was really interesting to watch the drama unfold?  Yeah, well that’s just a distant drunken memory because now we’re left with Stephanie Pratt, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag, and Lo all sitting around the table talking about Kristin and Brody fighting in Costa Rica and Lo’s 1 year anniversary with her boyfriend.  Imagine if this was season 1?  The only thing that saves this conversation a bit is the fact that Steph’s face looks like it’s frozen in time and her lips look like they’ve been injected with enough Collagen to be used as escape slides during an emergency water landing in the Pacific.
  • Over at the “auto body” Sleezy T, Brody, and Frankie all put on dresses, perm their hair, get on the same cycle, and talk about the whole Brody/Kristin situation and by “situation” I am of course referring to page 3, paragraph 4, lines 10-15 of the script.  If I were the producer or camera man I would just yell out, “No one cares.  Do something interesting.”  Sadly, nothing interesting happens, unless you count the part where Frankie gets on some type of motorcycle contraption and crashes it before he makes it out of the parking lot. He basically took the bike for a “ghost ride” which was my favorite thing to do when I was little.  Seriously, he’s like Enzo.  They should have attached a booster seat to the back of Brody’s bike and let little baby Frankie sit there and pull on his ding-dong all whilst throwing a tantrum because the sun is in his eyes.  Oh well, maybe for the season finale.
  • Holly, who does not adhere to any of the airport anti-terrorism laws, picks up Darlene who is standing curbside at el aeropuerto and even gets out to give her a hug.  Security should have let their German Shepard loose on the both of them and then detained them for 48 hours where they would soon stand trial and face a life behind chicken wire at tropical Guantanamo Bay.  Alas, that doesn’t happen and they drive off onto the highway where speeding 18-wheelers will be our only salvation.
  • As Holly and Darlene are driving and talking about how Heidi is MIA (check her Twitter account if you want to see if she’s still alive.  Spoiler Alert:  She sadly is.) the background looks very fake and odd.  It’s almost like those fake driving screens that they use in skits on SNL.  I was waiting to see the cast of I Love Lucy in the background filming scenes for “California Here We Come.”  As a sidenote, those were some of my favorite I Love Lucy episodes.  This is just as entertaining though.  Blah.
  • The whole Douche Bag Brigade heads out to “da club” where I can only assume J Lo shot her “Waiting For Tonight” video.  Those green lights look like they burn if they touch you.  I mean, it doesn’t look like it burns worse than Steph’s vag rash, but let’s get into that when we’re not around mixed company.  Anyiwanttohangmyself, Brody won’t talk to Kristin, but that’s fine with me because we are all witnessing a love connection between Brody’s friend Josh Pauly Shore and Stephanie Pratt.  Pauly Shore enjoys doing things like racing motorcycles, getting more tattoos up and down his arms, growing his hair long (but not washing it) and trying to complete full sentences, but failing miserably at it.  Ding ding ding!  Sounds like we’ve found Steph’s future husband.  I bet he’ll make her mayor of the meth lab.  Fingers crossed!
  • Stacie the Pointless Bartender (I’m going to miss saying that) and Kristin are walking up the street looking like a broken Oreo and talking about, you guessed it, Kristin’s scripted feelings for Brody.  Stacie the Pointless Sidekick gives advice that Kristin needs to lay it all on the line and let him know how she feels.  I would have tossed in a “and do it while you’re naked and spread eagle on the kitchen table” but that’s just my two cents.  Perhaps you have your own advice you’d give Kristin.  If so, text “advice” to 88930.  Normal carrier rates apply.
  • Well it’s date night for Stephanie and Pauly Shore.  Stephanie has to order a “Pepsi” because she can’t handle her liquor and crashes cars.  Pauly Shore orders a Sprite because he needs to pick and choose when he drinks.  That’s code for, “If I get too drunk I’m likely to hit you and, well, there’s cameras around.”  From that point on I have no idea what they’re talking about.  MTV continues to f*ck with me and won’t provide sub-titles when Pauly Shore slurs.  Something about having good parents and being a bad boy and they are both idiots.  No really, I’m pretty sure they both said they were idiots.  They are NOT idiots.  They’re just not smart and can’t drink alcohol.  They’re technically boring and…well…kinda idiots too.  Fine, I agree.  There, I said it.
  • Oh my God!  Happy 1 year anniversary Lo and Scott!  I’m so happy for you!  In order to celebrate your successful relationship I’m going to constantly punch myself in the nuts until I puke blood and then I’m going to open my 30th floor apartment window and scream at the top of my lungs, “I’m going to F’n kill myself!”  You’re welcome!  Lo’s boyfriend basically asks Lo to move in with him.  Lo would like to be engaged before that happens.  Let me tell you something, if that happens and someone over at MTV decides to make this into a spin-off show I’m going to register to carry a gun, buy a gun, and then shoot my TV.  I may even fill up the tub and throw my TIVO into it.  No more spin-offs.  No more.  Wait.  What about an Enzo sex-change spin-off?  I may be behind that.  We’ll see.
  • Kristin invites Brody over to drink wine and talk about her feelings for him.  Kristin admits she wants a boyfriend and wants that boyfriend to be Brody.  Awkwaaaaaard.  She might as well told him she was 5 months pregnant with his love child.  Surprisingly Brody lets us all know that he’s been seeing someone else so he’s not interested in Kristin.  I wish he said it was Avril Lavigne.  I wish he said, “Kristin I’m choosing Avril Lavigne and her skater boy/gothic vaginastein over you.”  Brody then says goodbye and leaves the apartment.  Kristin should have yelled out, “Oh yeah?  Well I’m f*cking your fathers 1980′s facelift!”  Just me?
  • Steph and Lo are having a conversation about Pauly Shore all whilst doing yoga.  I can’t.
  • Meanwhile, Darlene Montag and Holly are having lunch and talking about, you guessed it, how crazy train Heidi is.  Why can’t they just toss a blond wig on Darlene and pretend she’s actually Heidi?  She could then show up at “da club” and be like, “Surprise, you guys!  It’s me, Heidi!  I got all my plastic surgeries reversed, left Spencer, and started receiving oral pleasure from my dumb horse in Crested Butte.  I’m cured!”  Ugh, why am I now writing lines and coming up with fake scenes for this show which, to be honest, is kind of entertaining me more than the actual show itself?
  • Darlene spews out that she is so upset about this whole Heidi situation that she hasn’t slept in months and is now taking prescription sleeping pills.  Way to make it about you, Dar Dar, way to make it about you.  Darlene has been “mourning the loss of a child.”  She should also be celebrating the addition of a new child…with a new face…and new boobs…and who is kind of a robot.  Celebrate that!
  • Kristin makes an SOS call to Lo because, you know, they’re friends now.  Kristin starts to “cry” when she talks about Brody rejecting her.  I mean, I don’t see any tears and I’m pretty sure I saw Kristin jamming pins into her leg in order to make the “crying face.”  She should be crying real tears because The Hills is over after next week and she’s going to be bagging groceries at Shop Rite, working the 5pm-9pm shift.  Sad, but kind of true.

Tune in next week for the last Hills recap ever.  I don’t know whats more sad; the fact that The Hills is ending after 4 years or the fact that I’ve been recapping it for 4 years.  It’s a real toss up.

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The Hills Recap: Costa Rica, Where the Sun Never Shines.

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Here’s what went down, last night, on The 100th episode of The Hills (sorry):

  • Ay yi yi yi yi!  Grab your maracas if you’ve got ‘em because all the kids from The Hills have taken time off from their strenuous jobs and have headed to Costa Rica, which I believe is Spanish for “Since Doug isn’t on this show anymore flying us around in his private jet, we’ve arrived here on what we can only assume is a hot air balloon with a jet-ski motor attached, ole!”  Ole!  Ole is right.  Ole. Is. Right.
  • Stephanie, the Bindi Irwin of our generation (huh?), lets us all know that there are gorillas here in Costa Rica and that gorilla’s attack people.  That’s right Stephanie, that’s right.  Tune in next week when Steph teaches us things like, “gun shots hurt” and “ice is cold.”  The more you know (cue the shooting star).
  • While Audrina is busy laying out on the beach during what I can only assume is the cloudiest and foggiest day in Costa Rican history, Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are laying down in about 3 inches of mud water.  If this was Survivor they would technically be swimming in the section reserved for people to take Shasta McNasty and wash pots and pans.  I caught “the runs” just watching this scene.
  • Later that night everyone heads off to the set of the “resort” that I’m convinced the production crew just built because I haven’t seen one other “non Hills” person anywhere in Costa Rica.  Brody toasts everyone with his manly electric blue Smurf shots and says words of wisdom like, “…we’re all here together….in Costa Rica…that’s really far away from home.”  Brody is going to give Stephanie a run for her (stolen) money with his 3rd grade social studies facts!
  • All of a sudden Frankie starts speaking rabid Spanish to the bartender, Will, and Kristin thinks it’s “hot.”  Oh yeah?  Well if Kristin thinks that’s hot then she should check out this: “Hola, mi nombre es Patrick.  Me gusta El Hills.  Me gusta la sacapunta tambien.”  Jealous?
  • Kristin takes a liking to Will, the bartender, who is making Stacie the Pointless Bartender scared for her security on the rest of this show.  Will will probably end up being a regular cast member for the rest of the season because, as we’ve learned, you’re a pointless bartender one day and traveling with the Douche-Bag-Brigade to Costa del Rico the next.  That’s how that works.
  • Stephanie is left to be the sober one (court ordered) while everyone gets drunk and Audrina asks her how that makes her feel.  The answer to that is, “not bad, I’m on Ecstasy instead.”  Fine, I made that part up.
  • Brody tells everyone that Kristin is like a little sister to him and that will eventually send Kristin over the edge.  Now which little sister is Brody talking about?  The little sister who lifted up her shirt for the cameras and screamed “girls gone wild” in Season One of “Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s?”  Or the little sister who was practicing on the stripper pole?  Or the sister who had the sex tape with Ray J?  Or the sister who’s built like a moose and got busted for DUI?  Which sister?  He should be more clear.
  • Justin Bobby, the island pervert, apparently grabs Audrina’s arse while walking by.  We know this because Audrina tells Stephanie, “Justin just grabbed my ass.  Both cheeks.”  She makes it sound like it’s so voluptuous.  She has a table ass.  He probably was trying to put his drink down on it.  Plus, beavers have tails not asses.  Duh!
  • After Kristin gives her druken-slurred “I’m done” speech in the pool to Stacie the Pointless Bartender and Sleezy T the Pointless Friend, she heads back to the bar to talk to Will the New Pointless Bartender.  I’m sensing a theme with the majority of the people in this show.  Will the New Pointless Bartender tells Kristin about this outdoor bar that they can all go to later….and they do.  It’s Costa Rica, it’s hot out even at night, they’re at a beach bar….and Brody is wearing a black wife-beater and a winter hat.  Of all the douches in the whole douche pond, Brody is the king.  To top things off it starts to rain and drunken Kristin and crew are so psyched to dance in it.  Brody looks nervous about this, but mainly because his wool knit cap is likely to shrink once it gets wet in the rain and then dried by the Costa Rican heat.  Also, is this show actually about anything?
  • The next morning as the girls chit-chat about the night before (boring) they all of a sudden scream “crab!” as one walks sideways across their floor.  I assumed one just jumped out of Steph’s underwear but, no, there really was one walking across their floor.  Who knew?!  Moments later they see a baby monkey in the tree outside of their hotel and Steph hopes that it doesn’t start “throwing poop at them.”  Funny, I hope the opposite.  At least that way I won’t feel so guilty for throwing my own at my television and jumping up and down on my couch.  Just me?  Moving on.
  • As the guys surf and then take a break to lay down on the beach and talk about how they’re all starting to develop breasts feeling about the whole Kristin/Brody situation, the girls are all sharing a 4-wheeler and touring the Costa Rican coast without helmets on.  You gotta love how most other countries don’t have rules like the U.S.  They’re like, “Helmets?  What?  No, no you drive this 4-wheeler with two of your friends on the back, but before you go let’s celebrate with a few tequila shots!  See you soon!”
  • Later that night everyone is having a nice friendly dinner together…with Will the New Pointless Bartender because, you know, why not at this point?  There are 3 episodes left of this series so let’s just break through the rock bottom we thought we were at and find a whole new level of sh*t and piss.  And then let’s film it.
  • J Bob and Audrina are talking about about themselves and I’m over it.  Who cares?  WHO CARES!  I’m starting to have a breakdown.  Or maybe a breakthrough.  It’s hard to tell.
  • They all do some more shots and Kristin and Brody give a toast and, while I may be slowly lapsing into a self-induced coma, I’m pretty sure I heard Brody yell out, “to my sisters I’ve had sex with” and then laugh like a school girl in heat.  Any chance that monkey is available for some feces throwing?  Just checking.  Let me know, thanks.
  • Kristin then takes Will the New Pointless Bartender about 3 feet away from “the cameras” and starts to kiss him.  Seconds later she takes him by the hand and heads down to the beach where she can, more than likely, perform hand sex on him.
  • The next day Stephanie is freaking out over every bug they see.  She’s shaking, trembling, and screaming like she’s have flashbacks of her meth psychosis fits from yesteryear.  It’s actually pretty funny.  Good old Steph.  Friend ’til the end.
  • The whole gang heads out for a nature hike, which is a little hard to believe since Brody and some of the others are carrying open beer bottles with them.  As they “walk” through nature, Audrina keeps falling forward and her rack almost falls out of her shirt each and every time.  Well worth the trip.  How is the camera crew keeping up with them?  Oh, that’s why the “hiking scenes” only last 4 seconds.  They finally make it to their waterfall destination where they can climb rocks and jump in.  J Bob, for some inexplicable reason, is wearing a speedo whilst he scales the rocks.  Brody climbs halfway up “the mountain” and then dives, head first, about 50 feet.  Safe.  Does Frankie not know how to swim?  You never see him surfing or frolicking in the water?  He should try it.  Perhaps wear those bright orange swimmies?  Maybe next season. Oh.  Wait.
  • In the end they all head back to the airport to hop into their motorized hot air balloon and head home to LA.  Justin Bobertino asks Oddy if she had a nice time on the trip and if she would come back.  She responds by saying that yes she had a good time on the trip…but wouldn’t come back…and not with J Bob.  Zing!  Poor Justin Bobby Socks.  Isn’t it bad enough he’s even on this show?  Now he has to get slammed by Audrina (and not in the good way) on national television…on a show that’s being watched by literally 10′s of people.  Tragic.

Next week is the return of Darlene Montag and Holly Ethel Mertz Montag!  It’s sad, but I’m looking forward to it because I can’t take any more of this show the way it is.  I hope she brings that damn horse.

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The Hills Recap: Happy 25th Birthday, Teefs!

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Sellout Opportunity: Vote for Me Here for MTV TJ (just fill out @ibbb).  Back to your regularly scheduled programming…

The Hills has been on for about 15 years and Audrina is just turning 25?  Was she a fetus when they cast her?  A fetus with beaver teeth, of course.  This time around the whole gang will be celebrating Audrina’s 25th birthday on a boat.  The entire episode is basically centered around this.  I can’t wait for the episode where the whole thing is focused around making muffins.  Here’s what went down last night on Da Hills:

  • All the girls head out to lunch wearing black coats like they’re either in a trash-bag biker gang or they’re all on their way to start interviewing for entry level jobs at the local employment agency since their current full-time job (being douches on TV) is coming to a close.
  • It’s going to be Audrina’s 25th birthday (how the hell old am I) and Steph comes out with a random idea of going on a boat ride in Marina del Rey which I believe is Spanish for, “The producers are renting us a boat.”  Also, you can tell how old Audrina is by the length of her teeth…it’s similar to counting the rings on a tree.
  • Later LOser, Raspy Coke Voice, and Sandy Sanders all head out to by Teefs Pats a birthday gift…or several birthday gifts.  They’re deciding between jewelry and a dress.  I’m shocked Steph Pratt is even allowed in stores due to her shoplifting past and, well, I heard once you shoplift, one store tells another and so on and so on and so on until you’re banned from all stores.  Was I misinformed?  Anyscript, Steph should steal Audrina some jewelry for her gift or maybe just rip a ring off the finger of an old lady walking down the street.  Whatever is easier and works best with Steph’s hectic schedule.
  • Lo doesn’t know if they should invite Justin Bobby to the boat party from hell because she doesn’t want J Bob and/or Audrina to think there’s “an opening” with them.  Uh, it’s Audrina.  There’s always an opening.  Hey-oh!
  • Meanwhile at “da beach” Frankie (ugh), Brody, and Sleezy T are sitting on the sand and gossiping like a bunch of teenage girls all synced up on their period.  So dumb.  The only smart thing Brody says is that McKaela is insane.  That I believe.  I truly believe that McKaela not only thinks she’s a main cast member on this show, but that she really is actually Lauren Conrad.  I’m sure we’ll see her rubbing Rogaine on her upper lip just to try and match the ‘stache.  Sidenote, that should totally be a new gameshow: “Match….That….’Stache!”  I’ll host.
  • Later that night everyone heads out to “da club” so that this show can contain more scenes than: “shopping in store” and “sitting on sand.”  Brody decides it’s best to be wearing a winter hat and t-shirt at “da club” and Spencer’s friend, Charlie, is in a full on suit and tie with his hair slicked back into a tight wet ponytail, just the way Tyra Banks likes it.  Let that sentence simmer for a smidge.
  • For someone who’s a “recovering alcoholic” Stephanie Pratt really does frequent a lot of bars and clubs.  Isn’t that like a hoarder going to a junkyard?
  • HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is lurking in the background with what looks like a blond fright wig and sipping on her drink.  I know they’ve decided to cut out Heidi and Steve Sanders from this show, but why take away all of Holly’s lines?  I mean, when she’s drunk is when we get the best material.  Sad, really.
  • LC 2.0 shows up with Allie Triple Lutz because, you know, it’s come to this.  LC 2.0 doesn’t want to go over to where Brody and crew are hanging out, but Allie Triple Lutz heads over to talk to a drunken Kristin.  I love when Kristin is drunk.  When she’s drunk she’s hotter, funnier, smarter, and an all around better person.  Wait, is that when she’s drunk or when I’m drunk?  I forget.  All I know is that Kristin is wrapped up in Slurfest 2010 whilst chatting with Allie.  She’s at that drunken point where you have a delayed reaction.  Example:  Allie Triple Lutz and Kristin are slur-yelling (or slurlling) at each other and Allie puts her hand on Kristin’s coke wrist.  Kristin puts up both hands, like she’s being robbed, and starts slurlling, “Don’t f’n touch me!”  She then does this hand wave by Allie’s face and that ends that.  Seriously, there should be a clause in their contract that states that all cast members must be drunk at least 99.9998% of the time.  Technically we all should be.
  • The “next day” Kristin shows up to SmashHerBox Studios to visit Lo.  I believe this is the first time Kristin has ever been in an office.  LC 2.0′s back is to Kristin, yet Kristin just stands there and says, “McKaela, is Lo around?”  How the hell did she know it was McKaela by the back of her head?!  I’m sure the answer to that is “because they shot this same scene 5 times.”
  • LC 2.0 apologizes for “the other night,” but wants to know if Kristin doesn’t like her because of Allie Triple Lutz or because she’s “dating Brody.”  Seriously LC 2.0 is a little crazy.  She really thinks she’s still dating Brody.  That’s sweet.  I wonder how many months from now when The Hills is over LC 2.0 is going to be puking in a dumpster behind Le Douche and slurring to the cops, ‘Do you know who I am?  I was McKaela on The Hills, God damn it!”
  • Seconds later LC 2.0 and Kristin get into a little tiff about who’s life is more pathetic because this fight is their biggest problem.  I’m confused, but mainly bored.
  • Oddy heads over to Chaz Bono’s new house to drink a glass of red wine and break up with him in front of an audience of about 2 million people (give or take a million).  You can tell Chaz is upset by the way the conversation is going by the way his spikes seem to slowly be falling “on the way down” when Audrina speaks.  Speaking of which, why are they both talking in “stop/start” sentences right now?  They’re like, “I don’t. Know how to. Fix.  Like. The Problem.”  And then Audrina replies with, “It’s just. Like. Something. That.  I guess.”  Seriously, I’m getting their addresses and showing up to their houses on Monday’s, Wednesday’s, and Friday’s to do flash cards.
  • Puke Alert:  Justin Bobby shows up to meet Kristin for dinner and both are wearing cut-off shirts.  J Bob has a cut-off flannel and Kristin is wearing a cut-off jean jacket (or dungaree jacket as my parents would say).  Basically they’re both dressed like they should be chewing on hay and banging their sibling, but I digress.
  • Kristin lets J Bob know that Audrina’s birthday is coming up to which J Bobert asks, “Is it today?”  Uh, didn’t he date her for like 4 years?  Anyway, J Bob is invited to the boat party and Kristin lets him know that Chaz Bono may be out of the picture.  More to the conversation could have taken place, but I was hypnotized by the fact that they’re both wearing cut-off shirts in 2010.
  • The “next day” Oddy heads over to Kristin’s coke den to talk about the fact that she broke up with Chaz Bono and that he/she keeps texting Oddy like a big bitch basically begging her to reconsider.  I’m sure he’s more upset by the fact that he’s off the show they’re filming called “The Hills.”  I’m sure right after he text messaged Audrina he then goes through is contact list and starts sorting to “S” for Simpson, Ashlee to see how her marriage is and if she has any future reality shows in the works.
  • It’s the day of the big birthday boat party for Audrina “Teefs” Patridge.  And they really got a beautiful day weather-wise.  See how I just said that to make myself feel better for having the initial thought that I hoped that their boat sank and this episode, therefore, became the series finale?  Yeah, so what a beautiful day for all of them!
  • Oddy is being a birthday downer on this boat party by talking about how Chaz won’t let the breakup go.  Boring.
  • At one point, Justin Bobby is driving this boat which increases the chances that they’ll hit an iceberg and all my dreams will come true.
  • Meanwhile, the whole gang is downstairs in the boat so that they can surprise Oddy with cupcakes with candles in them.  This is nothing like Lauren’s birthday boat cruise surprise that they had a few seasons ago.  I miss her.  I miss her ‘stache.  I miss her her Cheshire Cat smile.  I love your smile, do do do do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do do do.  I love your smile. I really do. (credit: Shanice)
  • After Oddy blows out her candles, Brody announces that “da boys” are going to Costa Rica and now the girls think they might go too.  Seriously, who doesn’t work?  Everyone can just drop and go to Costa Rica “next week” like it’s no big deal.  Brody says that what’s great about Costa Rica is that LC 2.0 and Allie Triple Lutz won’t be there and then Kristin half looks into the camera and says, “I guarantee they will be.”  You know what Kristin?  The same way I knew you would be showing up at Heidi and Spencer’s wedding just so the producers could stick it to Conrad one last time, you’re right, I guarantee that LC 2.0 and Allie Triple will be there too.  Surprise!  Is this show over yet?
  • In the end, Oddy sits at the bow (I have no idea) with Justin Bobby to talk relationships, what they’ve learned from past love, and if they’re in the right place right now.  They might have talked about the war, but I have no idea as I was looking at the clock and it said 10:30 and I was pissed that this show didn’t end right at 10:30 and why I must suffer with an extra minute of this.  10:31.  Ok done.

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The Hills Recap: The One Where Lo and Steph Go Food Shopping (Yup)

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Welcome back to your weekly Hills recap!  Here’s what went down last night on another crapisode of The Hills:

  • We kick things off with Stephanie, Lo, and Audrina sitting around talking about the war, taxes, health care reform, and the rising homeless situation in America.  I’m kidding.  They’re talking about Steph’s new “boyfriend” looking like a prom king and Audrina stopping by Justin Bobby’s bike shop the other day and not telling Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono about it.  Steph and Lo react to this like Audrina said she stopped by Bin Laden’s cave for a Redbull and a motorboating.
  • Wait a second, so McKaela (LC 2.0) and Allie Triple Lutz are actually in their own scene together?  Are they on this show now for real?  Poor Frankie Delgado.  He’s been trying to stir the scripted pot in every scene that he’s been in since 2005 and these two trashmasters are getting more airtime than him.  What a world.  What a racist world.  Yeah I went there.
  • LC 2.0 and Allie Triple Lutz are having some lunch and talking about how all the girls don’t like Allie.  Allie can’t seem to figure it out and when LC 2.0 brings up Allie breaking into Brody’s house years ago she starts talking 100 mph and twitching and shaking and sh*t.  When Allie says that Brody did go to Brody’s house, but that he let her in to look for her ring, LC 2.0 tries to somehow justify the situation by asking if it was “late at night” about 10 times.  I am highly confused by this scene not only because I felt like I was dodging and weaving syphilis from Allie Triple Lutz whilst she chattered, but also by the fact that I still can’t believe how much McKaela looks like Lauren Conrad to me.  She looks a little taller though.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it was really Lauren sitting on Enzo’s shoulders wearing a long trench-coat.
  • The whole gang heads out for a night out on the scripted town at Le Douche and even Justin Bobby shows up looking like he just tried to light his sneakers on fire during a Delta flight from NYC>LAX.  This makes Audrina’s upper lip get real tight and do her Fire Marshall Bill impression.  I think that similar to a dog wagging its tail, this means that Audrina is happy.  Now if someone would just roll up a newspaper and hit her on the nose I’d be content.
  • J Bob goes over an shakes Audrina’s hand like he’s running for City Councilman and hoping to get her vote during the upcoming election.  Lo thinks this is hysterical and that actually makes my blackened heart smile for her.
  • I’m not sure why Steve Sanders friend, Charlie, is sitting with Justin-Bateman-Bobby but that friendship intrigues me.
  • On the other side of the couches Chaz Bono wants no part of any of this and decides that he and Oddy should peace out of Le Douche. As much of a creepo as Chazzy B may be I actually think he’s not intimidated by J Bob, but thinks he’s being set up by the producers in this scene hoping for a big confrontation.  Am I the only loser who thought that?  Rewind your DVRs and do a full analysis and report back to me in a composition of 200 words or less with 1 inch margins and proper cursive writing.  Neatness counts.
  • Anyspikes, Chaz Bono and Audrina leave Le Douche, but not before Chaz says goodbye to Justin Roberto in the most awkward way possible.  J Bob wants to fist bump.  Chaz says, “I only give high-fives.”  He ends up high-fiving Justin Bobby’s fist and I have to switch back to the Celtics/Lakers because I am highly embarrassed.  And who “only gives high-fives?”  I’ll tell you who.  Michelle Tanner in every Full House episode where she encountered someone who wasn’t Danny Tanner.  She usually followed it up with a “You got it, dude!”  That’s who.
  • It’s date night for Stephanie Pratt and Max comes over with two boxes of Girl Scout cookies.  That’s not a joke.  I’m sure that was the only thing available on set at craft services.  The date is taking place at Steph’s apartment and I’ll assume she’s probably just under house arrest.
  • Steph made a whole meal that consisted of boiling things and making salad.  Her strength in boiling things, I’m sure, began while living in a meth lab years ago (allegedly). When Max tells Steph she’s missing out by not eating the salad she responds with, “I saw how I made that.”  Mmmm yum.  I bet she’s the person that’s too lazy to cut up the carrots for the salad so she just takes bites of the carrot and then spits it back into the bowl.  I’m sure she also rinsed the lettuce off with her all the bottles of wine she had to spill out before the cameras showed up.
  • Steph lets Max know that she hasn’t talked to her brother after she got a DUI and Max looks like he’s trying to find the nearest escape route in her apartment.  In the end, he ends up telling Steph that her brother is doing the opposite of what someone should do if their sibling is in trouble.  Awkward.  He then apologizes for bringing it up and Steph accepts his apology all whilst hunched over at the table and making odd faces.  Oh well.  Looks like Max is going to be going home alone and using his other hand to pretend it is Steph.  All’s well that ends well.  I’m sure the salad will end up giving him the sh*ts anyway.
  • Attention Future Audrina Stalkers: The code to get into her house is, “Hey it’s me.”  Just say that when you arrive and she’ll let you right in.  It worked for Chaz Bono and it can and will work for you.  Audrina seems to be having second thoughts about her relationship with Chaz.  She guesses that every relationship gets to the point where “the honeymoon is over.”  For The Hills, that’s technically when 3 episodes have passed.  Also, I forgot to mention this before in the Le Douche scene, but how funny was it when Justin Bobby kept telling Brody that Chaz Bono was “a rocker.”  Awesome!  SAT Test Question Time:  Ryan Cabrera is to a rocker as Kristin Cavallari is to an actress.  Pencils down.
  • It’s time for the Wango Tango concert and Chaz Bono is performing his “hit song” that “the kids went wild over” from like 2002.  Audrina is literally brought to tears during this song, as am I…but for different reasons.  Audrina asks Steph if she can tell she’s crying even though she has sunglasses on.  Steph replies with, “Kind of….your lips.”  Oh not she didn’t.  So close. So close.  I would have jumped up and fist-bumped my TV if she replied with, “Kind of…your teeth.”  Damn it so close.  Audrina ends up leaving “the concert” and crying out in the parking lot because she thinks this is all too much.  She’s kind of right.  Nothing makes you feel older than being 27 and still going to a summer concert sponsored by Kiss FM when Ryan Cabrera is headlining.
  • Well we’ve come to this, my friends.  The “next day” Stephanie and Lo are filming their scene at the grocery store.  Let me repeat.  They’re at the grocery store.  They’re food shopping.  Awesome.  Someone needs to tell Steph that the Sudefed is now behind the pharmacy and so she can’t buy 15 boxes of it so that she can run home, chop up the pills, and try to make homemade meth.  That’s why they do that.  Also, they might as well pick up a couple of applications because The Hills is over very soon and, well, the rent is going to pay itself anymore.  Maybe Steph and can be that lady who passes out samples of cheese on toothpicks?  Aim high, aim often.
  • In the end, everyone heads out to the Nylon Young Hollywood party.  LC 2.0 shows up with Allie Triple Lutz and then slowly heads over to where Brody is sitting and just kind of lurks behind him.  I love stalkers.  I am one.  I love the move where you just lurk.  Just stand there and lurk from a distance and then be like, “oh hey!” when you make direct eye contact.  LC 2.0 is such a good stalker.
  • It is then when the fight breaks out between Kristin and Allie Triple Lutz.  Here’s why I like it. (1) Allie Triple Lutz looks like a sausage with a bleach blond fright wig on in her dress and (2) Kristin is drunk fighting, which is always an A+ on my report card.  She’s standing up slurring, “Come here I couldn’t hear you” when Allie Triple was saying that she can’t handle pretty girls in LA.  Stacie the Pointless Bartender is jumping in and yelling too.  Here’s the thing, Stacie the Pointless Bartender thinks that LC 2.0 and Allie don’t deserve to be there.  It’s like, Stacie, you literally were the bartender in two episodes of The Hills before they basically made you a main character.  Count your blessings, count your tips, and shut yo’ mouf!
  • Brody breaks up the fight.  LC 2.0 gets pissed at Allie Triple Lutz for causing a scene and having everyone hate her.  Brody and Kristin scriptedly go home together to scriptedly do “bang.”  The eeeeend.

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The Hills Recap: Why is Allie Lutz in Our Lives?

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Heidi and Spencer are still missing.  I’m busy hanging up “missing” signs on all the telephone poles, but here’s what went down on the latest crapisode of The Hills:

  • Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are getting their hair done for the show their night out and chatting about McKaela (LC 2.0).  Stacie the Pointless Bartender thinks that McKaela just doesn’t get it and is way over her head.  I, too, think that LC 2.0 doesn’t get it.  And by “it” I’ll assume we’re all talking about “the point of this show?”  I’m sure L.C 2.0 is thinking, “I see cameras following us on the regular and I know we’re having conversations, but I have no idea what the hell the basis of this show is.  I see Ryan Cabrera once in a while filming with us, so I guess this is season 24 of that Ashlee Simpson show?”
  • Ugh we’re at Smashbox Studios with Lo and LC 2.0.  Why are they trying to make this like The City?  More importantly why did they “dub in” Lo inviting LC 2.0 to Stephanie Pratt’s dumb birthday party?  At this point I don’t even know if Lo realizes that she’s not talking to actual Lauren Conrad.  It’s more fun that way if we pretend she really thinks it.  Anymustache, LC 2.0 wants Lo and everyone else in the world that she may be new, but she’s not stupid so Brody better not try to make her look like a fool.  Well, if Brody doesn’t and the cameras don’t, and her own words don’t, and then editing doesn’t, and the storyboard department doesn’t, and the table-read sessions don’t, and Us Weekly doesn’t…then I guess she’s safe!
  • It’s time for recovering alcoholic/DUI recipient Stephanie Pratt’s birthday!  I wonder what safe place they’ll have it at?  Oh, a bar!  Great idea!  I’m sure people binge drinking vodka tonic and “cheersing” her with their glasses of temptation will be totally fine with Steph.  Her birthday party is a complete sh*t show, per usual.  Kristin and Brody are trying to be the new Oddy and J Bob by flirting with each other, someone carries in Frankie like a pinata, and Holly Montag says one line the entire episode, which is “hi guys.”
  • To make things worse, let’s just talk about how this show has become 90210.  Remember when towards the end of 90210 the entire cast was pretty much replaced?  Yeah, well this is it.  Look around the table.  LC is gone.  Heidi is nowhere to be found.  Spencer/Steve Sanders is missing.  Whitney is MIA.  Hell, even Lisa Loveless never makes a surprise cameo.  All we have left, really, is Audrina who would totally be the “Donna” of the group.  And now we’re forced to deal with McKaela/LC 2.0 and her new sidekick Allie Lutz.
  • Allie Lutz, who looks like she’s pushing 40 and still doing her best to make it out to “da clubs,” apparently broke in to Brody Jenner’s house before after some “ring” incident.  I have no clue.  All I know is that the douche-bag brigade is pissed off that she’s there and Kristin looks like she’s ready to eat her neck.
  • At one point Allie Triple Lutz just starts yelling at Kristin for “having a beef” with LC 2.0.  Really?  A beef?  People who aren’t in 21 Jump Street still say that?  Interesting, yet not so.  Kristin starts up her raspy voice yelling, the same way you start up a lawn mower, and calls Allie a psycho b*tch for breaking into Brody’s house.   I love how Allie kind of stumbles her words when she says, “I never broke into Brody’s house before.”  It was almost like I believe that she didn’t break into Brody’s house, but now I’m not so certain she doesn’t break into other peoples houses.  All I know is that while she’s yelling back at Kristin I feel like she is spitting syphilis at everyone.  Just me?
  • The “next day” at Elle Magazine SmashHerBox Studios, LC 2.0 tells Lo 1.0 that she wants to call Brody so explain what happened at Stephanie’s birthday and how she doesn’t want him to have the wrong idea.  When she calls Brody, he ends up putting her into voicemail all while Kristin is scrambling to find her shoes under Brody’s bed.  We get it, you banged.  We get it, you are scriptedly looking like a one-night-stand-skank on national television.  We get it, Avril Levine is not standing behind the camera so she’s accidentally not in this scene.
  • Later Kristin and Audrina go out for lunch and while this is a boring scene, it was great when Audrina called Allie Lutz a cougar.  It’s quite interesting how someone with literal beaver teeth can quickly identify a cougar.  Birds of a feather.
  • Let’s fast forward to Audrina meeting up with Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono at the pool hall, shall we?  Shan’t I?  Oddy may want to take a break from their Teen Beat relationship because Chaz Bono is going out on tour for a while and Oddy wants him to be free to bang all the guys who will be attending his “concerts.”  Seriously, where is this tour they keep speaking of?  Uzbekistan?  Tajikistan?  It has to be there.  And I’m sure it’s not so much a “concert” as it is him “fighting in the war.”  And, more importantly, who goes to a Ryan Cabrera show?  What songs is he singing and do people know the words?  Do you enjoy going to the concerts or is it more like a punishment where you’re forced to go if you got C- in Algebra 201?
  • All the girls who are left in the show are laying out at Kristin’s house (I think.  Who cares?) and are gossiping about LC 2.0 and her level of intelligence.  This is all coming out of the genius mouths of Kristin Cavallari, Stephanie Pratt, and Audrina Patridge.  It’s basically the same as Milli trying to tell Vanilli that he looks like he’s lip-syncing.  Know what I mean?  Anyway, if LC 2.0 wants to be so lucky as to become friends with these girls then she’ll have to lose Brody and Allie Triple Lutz in order to do so.  Seems like an easy trade down to me!
  • Well, well, well, what do we have here?  Justin Bobby is back again and this time he’s fixing his motorcycle and apparently permed his bangs.  That’s a great look.  You gotta love the crunchy wet curls look like the white girls who try to pretend they’re not white.  Anyway, Oddy shows up to the garage looking like she’s ready to pose for the cover of Maxim on top of J Bobs hog (giggity).  When Oddy shows up she says, “surprise.”  Surprise?  Really?  Was it really?  Didn’t Justin Bobby think it was odd that all of a sudden there was an MTV camera crew filming him fixing his bike?  That didn’t maybe tip him off that someone, oh I don’t know maybe Audrina, might just show up for, you know, a “scene?”  I hope these two get back together and by “back together” I of course mean “have a baby out of wedlock.”
  • In the end, Kristin meets up with LC 2.0 to have a quick drink and talk about how Allie Triple Lutz is evil and the future status of LC 2.0 and Brody.  Kristin, who may have a penis, tells LC 2.0 that Brody was saying nice things to her only to sleep with her and that if she brings Allie Triple Lutz around with her there is going to be problems.  Kristin then downs her glass of wine and peaces out from the awkward confrontation.  LC. 2.0 is left in the bar all by herself, still wondering what show she may or may not be one and what, in fact, the show is actually about.  It’s been 6 seasons and I’m still wondering the. Same. Exact. Thing.

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The Hills Recap: The Return of Justin Bobby!

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Like a slow motion car accident you start to brace yourself in preparation for the big hit and it seems like it takes forever before you actually smash into the car in front of you….here is what what down on last nights crapisode of The Hills:

  • “Friends with benefits” is the new “relationship vacation.”  Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are hanging out at Kristin’s house and playing with little yippy dogs whilst chit-chatting about going out to find men, get plowed, and become mothers.  Ok only half of that may be right.  I wish one of those dogs had rabies and then started to turn on its owner.
  • In “This is Pointless” News, Lo is having lunch with McKaela (LC 2.0) for some random reason.  Lo is giving advice to LC 2.0 on how to watch out for Brody and be friends with Kristin all at the same time.  Great advice Lo!  Her advice should have also included things like: When the cameras stop rolling and this season ends you will never hear from Brody or Kristin ever again.  However, Frankie will be hitting you up on his speed dial morning, noon, and night.  Just go with it because it’s all down hill after that anyway.  Also, LC 2.0 may get an internship where Lo works.  Um, Lo works for “The Hills” so does that mean that LC 2.0 is going to become a production assistant?  Next.
  • Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are out for a night on the whorish town.  As soon as they sit down a couple of Brody’s with trucker hats try to drunkenly spark up a conversation with Kristin.  They slur it up to ask where she’s from and when Kristin replies “Hollywood” the drunk dude says, “Colorado?”  Here’s the thing, I’m not drunk (surprisingly) and I thought she said Colorado too.  They both roll their eyes and that’s when I would have lost my shiz.  I would have told Kristin to stop chugging her glass of dicks for second so I could understand what the hell she was saying.  Then I would have jumped in front of the camera and yelled, “Hi Mom!  I’m on The Hills!”
  • Why is it so insane that McKaela really looks like LC with a brown wig on?  Well, either a brown wig or Lauren Conrad just combed up her mustache.  It’s a toss up at this point.  Oh, and you know what’s putting me to sleep right now?  Brody and LC 2.0′s relationship.  Just as I start to wake up from their conversation I start to lapse back into a self induced coma when she starts talking about possibly working with Lo.  At this point I’m missing Enzo.  I almost wish I didn’t call DSS on him from last season.
  • Audrina and Steph Pratt are, shocker, shopping and Audrina is telling Steph how Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono is staying with her while he gets ready to move into his new house.  Stephanie doesn’t seem to grasp the concept that Audrina is talking about and asks questions like: He lives with you?  Are his clothes there?  Does he live there all day?  Seriously, it’s like Audrina didn’t fill out her census and Stephanie is ordered to ask Audrina these questions or face harsh penalties.  Yes, Stephanie, he lived with her.  His clothes where there, he stayed there all day, he took Shasta McNasty’s in her toilet, he whitened her teeth, he hid his boogers under her coffee table, he turned away her stalkers from the front door, etc, etc.  He lived there.
  • LC 2.0 shows up at Smashbox, where Lo works, to interview for her internship.  Smashbox?  Wasn’t that the name of the “club” that Uncle Jesse and Ant Becky owned on Full House?  I hope so.  I also hope that Steph’s friends band, Human Pudding, perform there later.  We’re human.  We’re pudding.  Human pudding!  Spoiler Alert:  LC 2.0 gets the job!  Thank Santa Christ! I can’t wait to find out what wonderful future scenes Lo and LC 2.0 will be filming.  Oh, and can they just end the season today?  Just stop the season.
  • Lo, Audrina, and Stephanie all head out to the Viper Room because Audrina needs to check out some band, I’ll assume “Human Pudding,” for “work.”  Once they’re in there they discover that Justin Bobby’s band, Ed StanleY, is performing and, to no surprise, J Bob is on the drums.  Lo always thought that the idea of Justin Bobbert in a band was just a joke, but it is not joke when we witness him banging the drums like he’s trying to contact the volcano gods.  Seriously what in the hell am I watching.  Lo thinks like he looks like a muppet and I actually laugh.  I laugh because I’m about 1 scene away from crying.  This is all terrible.
  • Audrina thinks it’s going to be hard watching Justin play in his band and she ponders leaving because, you know, that makes sense.  The girls ask Audrina if she’s going to tell Chaz Bono about what happened tonight.  Uh, whaaaaat?  You mean is Audrina going to tell Chaz that she was at the Viper Room and Justin Bobby’s band was playing?  Uh, yes?  No?  Who cares?  Hopefully she does tell him and he starts hitting her the same way J Bob hits the drums.
  • After the “concert” is over Oddy runs into J Bob outside and he starts asking her a million questions, similar to the way that Stephanie was asking Oddy a million questions about Chaz Bono living with her.  Apparently Census questions are all the rage on The Hills.  After the awkward exchange, in which Oddy also tells him about the other band she went to see who’s from London, all three girls walk away and Justin Bobby drives away in the same car that the bad guys from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” drove.
  • Audrina stops by Chaz Bono’s new house, which I’m still tyring to figure out how he can afford, and I’m waiting for Cher to walk down the stairs in her “If I Could Turn Back Time” outfit.  Chaz is leaving for a 4 day tour and Oddy thinks it’s a good idea.  I mean, Oddy also thinks that Pop Rocks and Pepsi is a good idea, but that’s another story for another time.
  • Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Person head out for their man hunt again and this time Brody and his friend, Sweaty Tank, bump into them and this give Kristin a great chance to force Brody to apologize for talking to LC 2.0 in front of her from last week.  Honestly, Kristin can’t even get her lines out without smirking.  Either can Brody.  They should smirk.  They should smirk because they’re getting paid insane amounts of money to film this no matter how bad it is and, you know what, it’s bad.  I would smirk too, except I’m too busy crying over the fact that my life not only consists of watching this, but writing about it as well.  Where did I go wrong?
  • Meanwhile, Justin Bobby shows up and he and Oddy have a nice little chat which consists of things that make me think that J Bob is back on the sauce again, which is fine by me because I think that everyone should be drunk all the time.  He even gives Chaz Bono a nickname, which is “Spike.”  Get it?  He has spikey hair.  Oh that J Bob.  I really hope that he and Oddy get back together and I hope they both take a ride on his motorcycle together and, well, I hope the universe ends that scene any way it sees fit.
  • In the end, Kristin and Brody faux-make up and Kristin seems like she’s about 3 sheets to the wind, which I approve.  They both leave “da club” together and are probably going to bang in the dumpster behind “da club,” which is good because it would be nice to see exactly where Frankie lives anyway.  Hey-oh!

Well once again nothing happened in this crapisode either.  No Heidi?  No Spender?  How rude!  At this point I say they should bring back those two d-bags who played LC and Heidi’s love interests in Season One.  Either that or somehow insert Kelly Cutrone into the mix to save this sh*t, STAT!

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The Hills Recap: Meet McKaela (aka LC 2.0)

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That’s right folks.  It’s time for another episode of The Hills.  Will Audrina not smile whist talking?  Will Lo get interesting?  Will Heidi and Spencer melt and conjoin in the hot LA heat?  Will Kristin makeout with Stacie?  All of these things are not answered on last nights episode of The Hills.  Here’s what was answered:

  • Brody, Kristin, and her raspy coke rapist voice are out at a bar where people are spinning a wheel to see what kind of shots they won.  Kristin rolls her coke eyes when the crowd cheers for the person who won.  I roll my eyes when Kristin and Brody start talking about the status of their relationship.  At this point I’m already looking around at the people in the background to see what they’re up to, as they are more interesting to me than Kristin and Brody.
  • Uh, do the people who run The Hills hire any research people to find what we are and aren’t interested in?  For example, I’m also not interested in Audrina chatting it up with Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono about their plans to go out with the whole douche-bag-brigade and hoping that there’s no “drama.”  Chaz Bono lets us know that he’ll be wearing his candy thong and reading “Catcher in the Rye.”  Well, he either said “Catcher in the Rye” or he was calling Audrina a “C*nt with a Lazy Eye.”  It was hard to tell as I was only half paying attention.
  • Lo and Stephanie Pratt are walking up the street with their stick legs and Lo asks Steph what she’s been up to, to which Steph answers, “Oh just came back from an AA meeting.”  Yeah, you know what?  That’s great and all, but when someone asks you what you’ve been up to you can say normal things like, “Nothing much” or “Just keepin’ busy.”  You don’t have to tell all your deep dark secrets.  I’m not going to answer that question, ever, by saying, “Oh I just took the nasty sh*t because I had some bad food for dinner” and you shouldn’t tell us about AA.
  • Stephanie is also looking for love now that she is sober.  She feels like she’s finally ready for it, which I believe is code for “I’ve had enough face surgery to land me a man.”  Lo is going to set up a double date with her and her boyfriend, their friend Max and Steph.  Steph immediately freaks out and asks Lo if she should tell max that Steph doesn’t drink and goes to AA.  Yeah, that’s a good idea.  Why not forward him some of your most recent DUI’s and mugshots?  Have any rashes in your naughty region?  Pull your pants down when you meet him and show him your rash instead of shaking hands.  Put it all out there and literally put it in his hand.
  • Steph is freaked out that Max is going to be concerned that she doesn’t drink and Lo tries to calm her fears.  You know what?  She should be freaked out.  There’s nothing worse than that one person who doesn’t drink.  Scratch that, there is.  What’s worse is the person who doesn’t drink and then says things like, “I don’t have to drink to have a good time.”  Really?  Well I do.  I also need to drink to make really bad decisions and regret them in the morning.  It’s called having a social life?  Try it out.  Honestly, I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t drink as it would only put a spotlight on my, possibly, excessive drinking and, well, who needs that?  I’m also not friends with people who don’t drink.  Nope.  You see, me and my friends are all co-dependent drunks and we like it that way.  So pick up the bottle, Steph, and get yourself interesting and get yourself interesting quick!
  • Kristin and Audrina are randomly having boring popcorn and talking boringly about the boring relationship between boring Audrina and boring Chaz Bono.  Audrina is glad that she and Chaz Bono “had the talk” about their relationship and then she actually said, “Having a label makes things feel secure.”  Um, it does?  Yeah, not so much there Oddy.  Ask any minority if they like labels.  Also do people like labels like: slut, stupid, racist, anti-semitic, baby killer, etc?  Didn’t think so.  I may not listen to Audrina’s words of wisdom this time around.
  • Kristin calls Brody who is out on a date, but Brody puts her into voicemail and Kristin and Audrina react like a hand came through the phone and slapped her in the face.  I wish a hand would come through my TV and hit me, relentlessly, until I stopped watching this crap.  Either that or it would pick up my remote control and toss it out the window because, God knows, I would never get up off my arse in a million years to change the channel.
  • So is Brody’s date actually Lauren Conrad with a brown wig on?  No really, is it?  The voices are different but she’s doing those same flirty facial expressions and head-tilt that LC used to do.  I kind of miss Lauren.  I wish she wasn’t dead….to me.
  • Audrina and Steph (who looks like she should be on the box of Swiss-Miss) is having coffee and talking about the guy that Lo is setting her up with.  Both girls are filled with glee that this guy has a job and a car.  Way to reach for the stars!  Although they are both stumped by one thing.  This dude is a lacrosse player and Stephanie does not know what lacrosse is.  However, someone must have scored at 550 on their SATs because Audrina makes the connection and shouts out, “Ok so he’s an athlete.”  Good for you Oddy! You shout ‘em out like that when you know the answer!  I was waiting for a year supply of Rice-a-Roni to start falling from the ceiling. Of course Audrina would be the first to notice that, as her eyes are typically looking up at that direction anyway.
  • Steph continues to come up with scenarios on her date that will never happen.  She’s freaking out thinking that everyone is going to drink and then her date is going to ask her why she’s not and she’s going to answer “because I have a DUI” and then he’s going to ask about her family and she’s going to have to tell him all about Heidi and Spencer.  You know, it would be easier if she handed him a set of DVDs from “The Hills: Seasons 2-6.”
  • The whole crew is out at Jane’s House which is more commonly known to me as “da club.”  Brody brings out his Lauren Conrad clone, McKaela (yes she actually spells it like that) and Kristin ends up just talking to Lo, Steph, and Oddy.  Brody feels like they’re secluding him and LC 2.0 and they decide to leave, but not before yelling at Kristin for not being more friendly to LC 2.0.  Kristin calls him a d*ck and then the scene ends.  Seriously, we’re 18 minutes into this crap and not only has nothing happened, per usual, but I just realized we haven’t heard from or seen Heidi and Steve Sanders.  Ugh, Enzo monopolizes so much of their time!
  • The “next day” Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are walking up the street and talking about the Brody/LC 2.0 situation from the night before.  I’m not really following along with what they’re saying because Stacie the Pointless Bartender looks like she’s about to puke the whole time and is barely paying attention.  Perhaps they’re both on a coke binge.  Let’s start that rumor.
  • It’s date night for Steph!  I hope she threw back a few shots to calm her nerves.  Not only do we get to meet Lo’s boyfriend, Scott, but we also get to meet Steph’s date, Max.  This poor kid.  He has no clue what in the holy hell he’s getting into.  My only advice to him, watch your wallet.  You’re on a date with a recovering alcoholic and a former shoplifter after all.
  • Lo’s boyfriend tells Steph that they’re going to a nice spot at the W Hotel and Steph just blurts out “what!?!” like he just told her that they’re date is going to be putting out an oil rig fire in the Persian Gulf.  They all have a laugh over Steph’s reaction and then she slurs the words, “I really like it.”  Next she races out the door and yells back, “Come on let’s just go!”  Wow, it looks like this date is off to a great start.  Oh, and trading booze for “speed” does not still consider you to be “sober.”  Just a thought.
  • During the date things seem to be going well even though Steph is grilling Max like the way she’ll have to learn how to grill food at the restaurant she’ll be forced to work at after The Hills ends and she’s forced to get a real job that she’s qualified for.  Maybe she figured if she asked him a million questions he wouldn’t have time to ask her about the drinking, and family, and criminal record, etc, etc.  Even though Steph is only 23, she is a little freaked out that Max is only 24.  She wishes he was 30.  Well Steph that’s not how it’s going to work out….kinda like the way he wishes you would drink.   Get it?  In the end they exchange phone numbers and decide to go on their own date next time without Lo and Scott.  Great, looks like we’re going to have to see more of Max E. Pad on a future crapisode.  Worst ever.  This makes me miss Jayde.
  • In the end, Kristin goes by Brody’s condo to talk about their relationship and what happened the other night at “da club.”  I actually don’t care about any of this and I decided to spend this time pondering the future of television without Brody on it…and it makes me happy.  And calm.  Happy and calm.  Oh something must have happened because Kristin told Brody to shut up and she scriptedly stormed out of his condo/the set.

I’m torn.  Now was this the worst episode of the new season so far or was this the worst episode in the history of The Hills?  It’s a real toss up.   All I know is that when it was over and I had to think about what this crapisode was about I actually had no idea.  And you want to know something?  I still don’t.

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The Hills Recap: The Matrix is Safe. Whatever it is, Heidi is Apparently Not in It. So, Rest Easy America!

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Well it’s time for another crapisode of The Hills.  Like a homeless holding a cardboard box sign with a lot of writing on it, I just can’t not stop and look at it.  Here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

  • We kick things off with HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag and Stephanie Pratt having a joyous lunch together outside in sunny LA.  They hug, squeal with delight, and yell “sisters.”  Remember when Lauren Conrad used to be on this show and it was actually about something?  Well, maybe it was never about anything real, but it was never about this!  Stephanie lets Holly know that Heidi and Steve Sanders have no friends, have no family, and don’t have anybody.  Yup, that was pretty much covered in the “no friends” and “no family” update, but thanks for talking slow enough and monotone enough for me to follow along.  Steph claims she’s never seen someone be this crazy (referring to Spencer) without being on a substance.  Oddly enough, I can’t believe anyone watches this also without being on a substance.
  • Heidi is walking up the street to have faux-lunch with Kristin.  The camera man does a “toe to head” shot has Heidi walks up the street with neither her boobs or her hair moving at all.  It shocks me that Kristin doesn’t scream when she sees Heidi.  I’ve seen Heidi’s new look online for over 2 months now and even I yell out a “back demon, back to hell where you belong” when her face lights up my screen.
  • Kristin tells Heidi she looks so good and then she glances down at her rack and says, “you look so little now.”  It’s technically Opposites Day on The Hills.
  • After chatting about how crazy train Spencer is, Heidi says, “…like, who am I without Spencer?”  The answer to that is, “a robot.”  I’m actually wrong for saying that.  The correct answer is, “What is, a robot.”
  • Audrina goes to visit Chaz Bono in the recording studio, which is pointless on so many accounts.  Therefore, next.
  • The whole gang heads out to Wonderland for a night of fun, drinking, and obviously random conversations that I can’t seem to follow.  Audrina and Brody do this awkward strange sing/laugh “hi thing” and Stephanie Pratt wants to know if Kristin wants to spray tan because she owns her very own spray tan machine.  Seriously, what don’t the editors leave in?  It must just be like Audrina farting and Kristin snorting coke.  Allegedly.
  • Brody wants to suddenly talk to Audrina about things he couldn’t talk to her about when he had a girlfriend before.  Things like life and, perhaps, taxes, and maybe even that pesky volcanic ash in Iceland.  Audrina whines that she has a boyfriend now and that “you always want what you can’t have.”  Kinda of like eyes that aren’t sleepy or non-beaver teeth.  Yeah, like those things.
  • Meanwhile Spencer and Heidi show up to surprise everyone and infect the place with plastic, crazy, and a blown-out-cotton-ball-top-feathered-back-perm.  I’m of course referencing Spencer.
  • When Brody has a slurred conversation with Spencer about his marriage, etc Spencer tries his hardest to cry, but he fails.  You remember what that was like?  You broke something in your parents house and knew you were F’n dead so you tried with all your power to produce tears as fast as you could?  It didn’t really work then and it’s not working for him now.  Maybe he should have been picturing Heidi’s old chin and nose?  That usually does it for me.  Hell, it’s doing it right now.  Sniff, sniff.
  • Audrina goes over to Steve Sanders to ask him where Heidi is to which he replies, “You’re the lamest girl in this club.”  That’s actually the truth.  No, no it’s not.  Frankie is the lamest girl in this club and we all know it.
  • Speaking of good old Frankie, Spencer tells him that he wants to smash Brody’s head off, but when he says it he grinds his teeth and shakes like someone just threw a plugged in toaster into the bathtub he’s in which, although I’m not suggesting, could kind of take care of this whoooooole situation.
  • The “next day”  Heidi, Audrina, and Kristin (the Andrew Sisters of our generation) head off to lunch to talk about all things crazy.  We also learn that Heidi made her puke brown shorts that she’s wearing.  I’m sure they were made from old Montag parts.
  • Audrina lets Heidi know that Spencer was rude to her last night at “da club” and then she kind of laugh/smirks and says, “So, like, do you, like think that, like, Spencer owes me, like, an apology?”  Clearly this sentence is too much for Heidi’s peroxide burnt brain to process and says, “Apologize for what?”  Ugh, it’s like I want to sit with each of them 3 days a week for 30 minutes and just do flash cards with them.
  • Heidi tries to explain to the girls that all men like to be a little controlling and it’s fine.  Uh, ru-roh!  Sounds like someone’s getting good at explaining their black-eye to the girls in the office on a Monday morning!
  • In the end, Heidi tells the girls that they don’t actually know her and that Spencer didn’t change Heidi.  Heidi changed Heidi.  Yeah, no, technically a “get rich quick” plastic surgeon changed Heidi so let’s just give credit where credit is due.  And also, if credit is due and we have the receipts is there any chance we can get a refund on this whole show/22 minutes?
  • Later “that night” everyone heads back out to “da club” and, like 4th graders on the playground, Brody asks everyone if he and Kristin should kiss.  Oh my God can you believe it?  And then they did kiss.  Oh my God can you believe it?  I hope she didn’t get pregnant.
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders also show up at “da club” and suddenly this episode turns into 30 minutes of QVC.  Heidi starts talking about her damn crystals making her a genius and how they open up your mind and also give you protection for when you’re in a war zone.  She then points her fingers up the sky and then winks.  Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously?
  • I wonder if they have any crystals that I can hold on my couch with me whilst I watch The Hills that can protect me from going to my window, throwing my TV, laptop, and them myself out of it?  I’m sure they do.  I’m sure one day we’ll all be able to have our own crystals that come in the bottom of every box of “Heidi-o’s.”  Heidi-o’s, part of an unbalanced breakfast.
  • Thank Christ!  Holly seems a little drunk, which is always great for this show, life, and me.  She’s claiming that she can’t wait to get into a fight with Spencer so she can “kick his little f*ckin-p*ssy-a**-punk-b*tch across town and then he can shut up once and for all.” Oh that Holly she’s a feisty one and tries to use all the swears she knows at once.  It’s a good goal to have.  I may try that today.
  • Meanwhile, Steve Sanders lets us know that he doesn’t let Heidi use the TV or computers.  Heidi only reads books, writes poetry, prays, and pets puppies.  Uh, I’m sure he meant to say, “uses her scooped out back as a bookshelf, writes suicide notes, prays for bigger boobs, and eat puppies.”  Simple mistake.  We’ve all been there.
  • The “next day” Kristin and Brody evidently spent the night together.  Brody is, inexplicably, wearing a half-shirt like he’s Danielson from Karate Kid Part I.  I’m praying that Mr. Miagi comes back to life, crashes into the kitchen, and tells Kristin to “wax the floor, bitch!”  Sadly this doesn’t happen so we have to listen to where they are in their faux-relationship instead.  I like my scenario better.
  • All the girls (in this show, not in the world) head over to Kristin’s to talk about what to do with the whole Heidi and Spencer situation.  They’re all talking about how Heidi is brainwashed and Audrina, out of all people, actually says, “There’s nothing there.  There’s no emotion.”  Well.  If that isn’t the ceiling eyes calling the beaver teeth white, then I don’t know what is!?
  • In the end all the girls decide to stop talking about Heidi and Spencer forever and to cut them out of their lives forever.  Audrina shows her beaver…teeth,  Holly does the ugly cry, Lo looks like she’s can’t believe she’s a college graduate and sitting there talking about this, and Kristin says she tried everything she possible can….which is true.  I mean Kristin did have over 1 televised conversation with Heidi so, clearly, she’s done her job.

All in all, terrible episode.  Worst of the season.  I’ll watch it again, 6 times, this weekend though.

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The Hills Recap: Happy Pointless Birthday, Enzo!

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Annnnnd we’re back to Enzo.  Just when we thought it was safe to ride the drug wave with Kristin we are heading back into “Enzo territory.”  Enzo, which I believe is Spanish for “anyone gets to be on this show,” is getting a birthday party planned by Heidi and her party planner “Lisa.”  Lisa might as well just close up shop right now.  Hopefully, at least, we’ll get to hear him  pronounce “Spencer” as “Spender” and even throw in a couple of “ariba! ariba’s!”  Take a double dose of Ambien and wash it down with a pint of cheap vodka because here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

  • Kicking things off with Kristin walking the beach with Brody is perfect.  We get to check out her “coke legs” that Lo and crew were talking about a few crapisodes ago and we get to hear her raspy coke voice echo in the wind.  It’s like hearing Jesus whispering words of wisdom to you.  Let it be, let it be.  Within 2 seconds Brody is already talking about Enzo’s upcoming birthday party.  I think it’s great Brody refuses to retire the trucker hat that went out of style during season 2 of “Punk’d” in 2004.  He’s like those girls you went to high school with who were really popular during high school, survived 4 abortions, but are currently unemployed, still single, and still get those crazy long fake nails and drawn in eyebrows, drink Zima out of a crazy straw at “da club”  and then go home and binge eat Twinkies and puke.  You know what I mean?  I mean, I kind of lost track what I was saying, but I’m sure someone out there is following.
  • I don’t do drugs, but am I high right now?  No really.  Am I?  Am I actually witnessing Heidi talking to a party planner named Lisa/Sally Struthers about a birthday party for Enzo with elephants and wizards?  And why is Spencer’s hair so fluffy?  He’s like blond Simon Cowell.  Try a little wax stick or something.  And how come every time Heidi pushes her hair to the side she opens her mouth and then swallows?  Check it out.  She does. Every time.  Move hair. Opens mouth.  Swallows.  She’s like an Anna Nicole Pez dispenser.  Or a Pez (di)Spencer as I like to call her.  Personally I think that with the elephants and wizards Heidi should be the topless freakshow and let all the little kids poke at her face and jump on her ridiculous chest like one of those moon-bounce houses and the slide down her chin and scoop cotton candy out of her scooped out back.  Heidi Montag the portable circus, ladies and gentlemen!
  • The role of Frankie  Delgado will be played by Horatio Sanz in this scene.  Brody, Frankie, and that other dude who I think used to be called Sleazy T are all at the mechanics (?) talking about cars for 2 seconds and then chit chattin’ like ladies on the same cycle about Brody liking Kristin and Audrina and blah blah bloo.  Seriously why couldn’t the Times Square attempted bomber toss a couple of propane tanks and fireworks in the cars that Brody and crew are standing around at “the shop?”  I never get what I want.  Too soon?  Moving on.
  • As if things can’t get worse we’re now forced to watch the D-Bag Brigade go bowling.  How riveting.  When I’m thinking of Kristin with balls in her hands, this certainly isn’t what I had in mind.  And, for some reason, Audrina just walked into the bowling alley with Chaz Bono.  Oh, it’s Ryan Cabrera.  Simple mistake.  He should lower is spikes a bit, as we don’t need any additional reasons why Audrina needs to be looking up towards the ceiling.  Everyone is tossing balls down the alley.  Of course they show Chaz Bono sucking and Brody getting a strike.  Yawn.  They should have had Heidi run into the bowling alley and then throw her rack down the alley screaming “No whammies, no whammies, no whammies!”
  • Meanwhile, the “next day” it’s the event we’ve all been waiting for.  Enzo’s birthday party.  And, without disappointment, we get to see Enzo and Heidi riding an elephant wearing a crown of thorns in her backyard.  At one point and elephant picks up a kid with his trunk.  I sh*t you not.  I’m also pretty sure I saw Lo in the background picking up a kid with her old nose.  Finally we can put all those old noses to good use.
  • Steve Sanders is kissing a lamb.  Literally.  He probably just assumes it’s Heidi.  I know I did.  I was like, “When did Heidi dye her hair black?  She looks good.”
  • Later the whole gang is sitting around the “kids table” and Steve Sanders continues on with his “I’m going to pretend I’m crazy” storyline.  He literally says that when Heidi went to see her mom in Crested Butte, Darlene decided to rape Heidi emotionally.  Uh, there was a rape going on in “The Butte” but I’m pretty sure it involved Heidi’s horse and perhaps a camera man or two.
  • And the moment we’ve really all been waiting for.  Spencer lets everyone know that Darlene isn’t God and didn’t make Heidi.  She’s just a vagina.  You know what else is a vagina?  The Santa pubes around Spencer’s face.
  • HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is not pleased with this statement and says she needs a drink after Steve Sanders threatens to make HOlly leave his property.  I hope she gets trashed, at least it will be more interested to watch.  And remember when you were little and would get into a fight with your friend and tell him/her to get off your “private property.”  Those were the days.  I wish whilst watching this show God would tell me to get off his private property and then eliminate me from earth.
  • On another night, Audrina and Chaz Bono decide to commit to each other.  Sort of.  Who cares.  Next.
  • Meanwhile, having another boring “date night” is Brody and Kristin.  The only good thing about this scene is that you can totally tell that Kristin and Brody have nothing to say and are making up crap and just laughing over it.  They’re definitely in “F it, it’s out last season” mode.  They legit say one line and then laugh over what they said.  I kind of like it.  It’s like we’re all laughing together, but instead of laughter it’s tears…and the fetal position.
  • What?  Wait what?  Heidi and Holly are at her house and Heidi actually says, “I’m so glad that we cleaned up after that elephant.”  Really?  Shoveling sh*t?  I expected that Heidi would be doing that after The Hills was over, not during filming.  And you totally know that she’s shoveling it and then placing all the elephant sh*t into separate ziplock bags so she can bring it to the doctor and have him inject it into her forehead, cheeks, chin, lips, butt, boobs, back, elbows, knees, ankles, neck, stomach, hips, arms, shoulders, feet, and eyelids.
  • Steve Sanders is pissed at Holly for some reason after HOlly told him that she felt disrespected when Steve Sanders spoke of her mother’s vagina in a negative way.  They’re now all having a sass-off about what’s in the Bible, what’s one of the Ten Commandments, etc.  Per usual, I’m confused.  Spencer gets so pissed off that, after he. stopped. talking. in. one. word. sentences (woooooooo!), he left Casa de Chin in a huff and told Holly to go back to her real estate job….whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean?!  I would have responded by telling him to go back to the salon to let them finish removing the rollers from his hair and giving in a blowout.
  • After Spencer slams the door (ish), Holly starts crying to Heidi saying that he scares her and that she doesn’t even have Heidi’s phone number to call her.  Can’t she just follow her on Twitter and reply to the random Tweets Heidi writes?  That would be easier.
  • In the end, Holly leaves Casa de Chin and once she’s about 400 feet away, Spencer starts yelling crap at her and tells her she’s not welcome at “De Chin” and he’ll call the cops if he sees her there again.  Holly yells back that he’s pathetic and all is right with the world.

Well that’s that.  I’m pissed I wasn’t invited to Enzo’s birthday party.  That little midget means the world to me.  And by “the world” I, of course, mean “nothing.”  And you know what?  I’m not inviting him to my birthday party either.  And instead of elephants I’m going to hire Stephanie Pratt and ride her around my apartment and then take swings at Audrina with a stick until candy comes out of her.  So there.

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