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The Hills Series Finale Recap: So That Ending Was Specifically For Me, Right?

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I have no words.  Ok, I have a few.  I’m feeling many mixed emotions now that The Hills is over and I’m having a hard time articulating exactly how this makes me feel.  I researched the brilliance of William Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Socrates, and Aristotle to help me find the words so that I could place them on paper.  But you know what?  None of them could quite help me.  So I went to my secret back-up person who I knew would be able to help me get my feelings out to the folks at MTV who’ve decided to cancel The Hills and it goes a little something like this:

“You’re so selfish.  You’re self-centered.  All you care about is yourself.”  ~ A. Patridge © 2009

Here’s what went down on the (gulp) final crapisode (sniff) of The (punch to nuts) Hills (shaking fist to the sky):

• The girls are all hanging out and talking about how they’re all going through a mid-20’s-life-crisis.  No one knows what they want to do and what’s next for them.  Well, Lo does.  Lo says she wants little babies.  Does she mean right now?  Like does she want little babies like a kidnapper would or does she want to make little babies?  If she wants to make them she’s sitting the wrong way and someone should tell Steph to get her penis ready then.  Kristin feels like she needs a change.  Maybe she should try the Activia Challenge, but try to hold it in for as long as she can.  Oh, did she mean a bigger change than that?  Oh.  Well, I’m out of ideas then.
• Brody, Sleezy T, and Frankie all go golfing.  Is it wrong that I secretly hope that OJ comes by in a golf cart and stabs them all?  I’m kidding.  It’s not a secret.  It’s ironic that they’re chit-chattin’ like pre-pubescent girls whilst hitting golf balls because I truly feel that The Hills has been taking a club to my balls for the past four years.  Circle of life, people, circle of life.
• Later that night Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are at Kristin’s house sipping white-trash-white-wine and talking about, you guessed it, Kristin.  I was hoping this would be the time when Kristin came clean on her drug problem that everyone stopped talking about after the second episode but, alas, it wasn’t.  Instead Kristin tells Stacie that she needs to move on and go somewhere that she’s never been before and that makes her totally anxious and scared.  My guess?  A library.  But no, Kristin instead decides to go right off the script and say, “Europe.”  Are they setting us up for “Kristin Cavallari’s European Vacation?”
• Stephanie Pratt heads out to Corona, CA (fitting) to see her “friend” Pauly Shore race his dirt bike for 1 lap around the track and then they decided to talk about their relationship.  This is the part where I get all secondhand-embarrassment.  Steph is telling Pauly Shore that he’s the manliest guy she ever dated, but that he’s also like a Care Bear.  I would have gone with Garbage Pail Kid, but that’s just me.  After that awkward exchange and Pauly puts on a dress, they both decide to be exclusive and become “boyfriend and girlfriend.”  Gross.  I wonder if  he’s going to pin her sweater at the Sock Hop this Friday night?  Kill yourself, everyone.   I like how MTV is trying their best to wrap up everyone’s storyline in their 2 minute scene.
• Meanwhile, Kristin stops by the roof of Brody’s condo (hopefully to jump) because he’s up there swimming.   Please note that Kristin’s dress is about 2 centimeters away from good old Cooche-land and with the strong winds I’m sure we’ll all get a quick glimpse of where exactly she hides her script.
• Kristin invites Brody to her “going nowhere” party and Brody wants no part of it.  He doesn’t think she should be moving away just because he is dating a little boy named Avril Lavigne.  They kind of have a mini sass-off and Kristin walks away hoping that Brody will show up to her party.  You know who I’d love to show up to the party?  A drunken Holly Ethel Mertz Montag.  We should have never strayed away from that storyline.
• Audrina bought another F’n house?  Seriously, who knew beaver teeth and a rack could get you so much money?!  I’m going to go beaver hunting (giggity).  Anyteef, Audrina is moving to Hermosa Beach, CA and is showing Steph her new (maxi) pad.  You can totally tell Audrina is over this show and is ready to start her own filming on her own show that we’ve been hearing about, but have never seen, for the past 2 years.  She won’t even be showing up to Kristin’s “going nowhere” party because she’s over the club scene.  Audrina ends her scene by asking, “It’s like, what’s going to happen to all of us, you know?”  Well, I’m glad you asked, Oddy.  Here’s the 411:
  • Stephanie Pratt:  Another DUI, unwed mother of two, new face.
  • Audrina Patridge:  Smaller teeth, bigger boobs.
  • Lo Bosworth: First person on the moon.  Er…
  • Kristin Cavallari: Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, many straight-to-DVD movies, possible co-owner of an Orange Julius.
  • Brody Jenner:  Bruce Jenner face transplant recipient.
  • Justin Bobby:  JustinBobby.com
  • Stacie the Pointless Bartender:  Stacie the Pointless Hostess
  • Frankie Delgado:  President of the United States of America
• It’s time for Kristin’s “going nowhere” party at the Roosevelt Hotel and Frankie is a dancing machine.  Good for him.  They should make him a full time character for next season.  Oh.  Moving on.  Everyone is hugging and acting like they’re all going to death row after this when that’s certainly not the case.  I mean, Steph probably is, but not the rest of them.
• Just when drunken Kristin didn’t think that Brody would show up, he did. This is when it gets really awkward.  Kristin tries to explain why she’s leaving to go to the set of Europe and Brody tells her that he’s going to miss her and that she shouldn’t go.  This is when we get to see tears from Kristin.  I didn’t see any pins sticking in her legs so I wonder if it’s real.  We even get one single tear from Brody.  I wonder if his 2004 trucker hat is pinching his head or if he’s really sad that Kristin is pretending to leave?  Isn’t this kind of how Friends ended?  You know, if the Friends were a bunch of entitled douche-mongers?  I mean, they kind of were but still.
• The “next day” Lo and her boyfriend decide to go against her rule of waiting to be engaged until they move in together and they’re just going to live in sin and call it a day.  You’re going to go to hell for that one, Lo.  Best wishes to you and your boyfriend.  I swear to God if I see any form of a spin-off with you two I will call the police and have you arrested for harassment.
• It’s “moving day” for Kristin and she’s all packed up with her one suitcase.  As she leaves the front door she looks back at the house that she’s had so many memories in.  A lifetime of memories, some would say.  Oh wait, she just rented that house 3 months ago? She’s probably quickly doing a last minute sweep for used condoms.
• As she and Stacie the Pointless Bartender…oh you know what, I’ve given Stacie enough crap.  She’s no longer “Stacie the Pointless Bartender.”  How about she’s just “Stacie?”  Yeah, that has a nice ring to it.  Um…er…ugh….uh….wait a second.  How about “Stacie the Pointless Human.”  Ahhhh there we go.  Phew!  That was a close one.  Ok, back to the scene.  Stacie the Pointless Human is outside with Kristin tossing her prop suitcase into the back of a car when all of a sudden Brody shows up.  This would be like when Ross went to the airport to stop Rachel from moving to Paris.  Brody tells Kristin that if he ever knew she would move away because he was seeing someone else he would have never done it.  Rachel decides she needs to move to Paris anyway Kristin decides she needs to take her one suitcase to Europe anyway.  And they hug goodbye (forever) all while Natasha Beddingfield sings, “Unwritten” in the background.  I sh*t you not.
• We then have a video montage of all the cast through the years…like this is their eulogy.
• And then….Shut. Your. Dumb. Whorey.  Mouth.  Wow.  I have to admit this was probably the best ending I, personally, could ever have wished for.  Brody is standing there watching Kristin drive away and then the background drops, someone yells cut, the car stops Kristin gets out, they hug, and we see that they’re not on Kristin’s street but on a mother f-ing set.  Seriously, brilliant.  I’m at a loss for words because this is EXACTLY how I would have ended it and you know that.  Brilliant.  It was like a big middle finger from the folks at MTV and, I have to say, I think it was to me personally.  Ok it wasn’t but you know what I mean.  The only thing that would have made it better, the only thing, would be if they then took the batteries out of Heidi and placed her into a box and stored her on the “Prop Shop” shelf.

Seriously, great ending.  I’m not sure how people felt about this but I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Finally, finally, The Hills got it right.

As a wise man once said, “Go go lucky” and you know what?  He’s right.  Go, go lucky.

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The Hills Recap: The One Where the Producers, Writers, and Directors All Give Up

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• Remember on The Hills when LC and Heidi’s friendship was on the fritz and Heidi was going to move out and no one knew if they would be friends again and it was really interesting to watch the drama unfold?  Yeah, well that’s just a distant drunken memory because now we’re left with Stephanie Pratt, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag, and Lo all sitting around the table talking about Kristin and Brody fighting in Costa Rica and Lo’s 1 year anniversary with her boyfriend.  Imagine if this was season 1?  The only thing that saves this conversation a bit is the fact that Steph’s face looks like it’s frozen in time and her lips look like they’ve been injected with enough Collagen to be used as escape slides during an emergency water landing in the Pacific.
• Over at the “auto body” Sleezy T, Brody, and Frankie all put on dresses, perm their hair, get on the same cycle, and talk about the whole Brody/Kristin situation and by “situation” I am of course referring to page 3, paragraph 4, lines 10-15 of the script.  If I were the producer or camera man I would just yell out, “No one cares.  Do something interesting.”  Sadly, nothing interesting happens, unless you count the part where Frankie gets on some type of motorcycle contraption and crashes it before he makes it out of the parking lot. He basically took the bike for a “ghost ride” which was my favorite thing to do when I was little.  Seriously, he’s like Enzo.  They should have attached a booster seat to the back of Brody’s bike and let little baby Frankie sit there and pull on his ding-dong all whilst throwing a tantrum because the sun is in his eyes.  Oh well, maybe for the season finale.
• Holly, who does not adhere to any of the airport anti-terrorism laws, picks up Darlene who is standing curbside at el aeropuerto and even gets out to give her a hug.  Security should have let their German Shepard loose on the both of them and then detained them for 48 hours where they would soon stand trial and face a life behind chicken wire at tropical Guantanamo Bay.  Alas, that doesn’t happen and they drive off onto the highway where speeding 18-wheelers will be our only salvation.
• As Holly and Darlene are driving and talking about how Heidi is MIA (check her Twitter account if you want to see if she’s still alive.  Spoiler Alert:  She sadly is.) the background looks very fake and odd.  It’s almost like those fake driving screens that they use in skits on SNL.  I was waiting to see the cast of I Love Lucy in the background filming scenes for “California Here We Come.”  As a sidenote, those were some of my favorite I Love Lucy episodes.  This is just as entertaining though.  Blah.
• The whole Douche Bag Brigade heads out to “da club” where I can only assume J Lo shot her “Waiting For Tonight” video.  Those green lights look like they burn if they touch you.  I mean, it doesn’t look like it burns worse than Steph’s vag rash, but let’s get into that when we’re not around mixed company.  Anyiwanttohangmyself, Brody won’t talk to Kristin, but that’s fine with me because we are all witnessing a love connection between Brody’s friend Josh Pauly Shore and Stephanie Pratt.  Pauly Shore enjoys doing things like racing motorcycles, getting more tattoos up and down his arms, growing his hair long (but not washing it) and trying to complete full sentences, but failing miserably at it.  Ding ding ding!  Sounds like we’ve found Steph’s future husband.  I bet he’ll make her mayor of the meth lab.  Fingers crossed!
• Stacie the Pointless Bartender (I’m going to miss saying that) and Kristin are walking up the street looking like a broken Oreo and talking about, you guessed it, Kristin’s scripted feelings for Brody.  Stacie the Pointless Sidekick gives advice that Kristin needs to lay it all on the line and let him know how she feels.  I would have tossed in a “and do it while you’re naked and spread eagle on the kitchen table” but that’s just my two cents.  Perhaps you have your own advice you’d give Kristin.  If so, text “advice” to 88930.  Normal carrier rates apply.
• Well it’s date night for Stephanie and Pauly Shore.  Stephanie has to order a “Pepsi” because she can’t handle her liquor and crashes cars.  Pauly Shore orders a Sprite because he needs to pick and choose when he drinks.  That’s code for, “If I get too drunk I’m likely to hit you and, well, there’s cameras around.”  From that point on I have no idea what they’re talking about.  MTV continues to f*ck with me and won’t provide sub-titles when Pauly Shore slurs.  Something about having good parents and being a bad boy and they are both idiots.  No really, I’m pretty sure they both said they were idiots.  They are NOT idiots.  They’re just not smart and can’t drink alcohol.  They’re technically boring and…well…kinda idiots too.  Fine, I agree.  There, I said it.
• Oh my God!  Happy 1 year anniversary Lo and Scott!  I’m so happy for you!  In order to celebrate your successful relationship I’m going to constantly punch myself in the nuts until I puke blood and then I’m going to open my 30th floor apartment window and scream at the top of my lungs, “I’m going to F’n kill myself!”  You’re welcome!  Lo’s boyfriend basically asks Lo to move in with him.  Lo would like to be engaged before that happens.  Let me tell you something, if that happens and someone over at MTV decides to make this into a spin-off show I’m going to register to carry a gun, buy a gun, and then shoot my TV.  I may even fill up the tub and throw my TIVO into it.  No more spin-offs.  No more.  Wait.  What about an Enzo sex-change spin-off?  I may be behind that.  We’ll see.
• Kristin invites Brody over to drink wine and talk about her feelings for him.  Kristin admits she wants a boyfriend and wants that boyfriend to be Brody.  Awkwaaaaaard.  She might as well told him she was 5 months pregnant with his love child.  Surprisingly Brody lets us all know that he’s been seeing someone else so he’s not interested in Kristin.  I wish he said it was Avril Lavigne.  I wish he said, “Kristin I’m choosing Avril Lavigne and her skater boy/gothic vaginastein over you.”  Brody then says goodbye and leaves the apartment.  Kristin should have yelled out, “Oh yeah?  Well I’m f*cking your fathers 1980’s facelift!”  Just me?
• Steph and Lo are having a conversation about Pauly Shore all whilst doing yoga.  I can’t.
• Meanwhile, Darlene Montag and Holly are having lunch and talking about, you guessed it, how crazy train Heidi is.  Why can’t they just toss a blond wig on Darlene and pretend she’s actually Heidi?  She could then show up at “da club” and be like, “Surprise, you guys!  It’s me, Heidi!  I got all my plastic surgeries reversed, left Spencer, and started receiving oral pleasure from my dumb horse in Crested Butte.  I’m cured!”  Ugh, why am I now writing lines and coming up with fake scenes for this show which, to be honest, is kind of entertaining me more than the actual show itself?
• Darlene spews out that she is so upset about this whole Heidi situation that she hasn’t slept in months and is now taking prescription sleeping pills.  Way to make it about you, Dar Dar, way to make it about you.  Darlene has been “mourning the loss of a child.”  She should also be celebrating the addition of a new child…with a new face…and new boobs…and who is kind of a robot.  Celebrate that!
• Kristin makes an SOS call to Lo because, you know, they’re friends now.  Kristin starts to “cry” when she talks about Brody rejecting her.  I mean, I don’t see any tears and I’m pretty sure I saw Kristin jamming pins into her leg in order to make the “crying face.”  She should be crying real tears because The Hills is over after next week and she’s going to be bagging groceries at Shop Rite, working the 5pm-9pm shift.  Sad, but kind of true.

Tune in next week for the last Hills recap ever.  I don’t know whats more sad; the fact that The Hills is ending after 4 years or the fact that I’ve been recapping it for 4 years.  It’s a real toss up.

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The Hills Recap: Costa Rica, Where the Sun Never Shines.

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Here’s what went down, last night, on The 100th episode of The Hills (sorry):

• Ay yi yi yi yi!  Grab your maracas if you’ve got ‘em because all the kids from The Hills have taken time off from their strenuous jobs and have headed to Costa Rica, which I believe is Spanish for “Since Doug isn’t on this show anymore flying us around in his private jet, we’ve arrived here on what we can only assume is a hot air balloon with a jet-ski motor attached, ole!”  Ole!  Ole is right.  Ole. Is. Right.
• Stephanie, the Bindi Irwin of our generation (huh?), lets us all know that there are gorillas here in Costa Rica and that gorilla’s attack people.  That’s right Stephanie, that’s right.  Tune in next week when Steph teaches us things like, “gun shots hurt” and “ice is cold.”  The more you know (cue the shooting star).
• While Audrina is busy laying out on the beach during what I can only assume is the cloudiest and foggiest day in Costa Rican history, Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are laying down in about 3 inches of mud water.  If this was Survivor they would technically be swimming in the section reserved for people to take Shasta McNasty and wash pots and pans.  I caught “the runs” just watching this scene.
• Later that night everyone heads off to the set of the “resort” that I’m convinced the production crew just built because I haven’t seen one other “non Hills” person anywhere in Costa Rica.  Brody toasts everyone with his manly electric blue Smurf shots and says words of wisdom like, “…we’re all here together….in Costa Rica…that’s really far away from home.”  Brody is going to give Stephanie a run for her (stolen) money with his 3rd grade social studies facts!
• All of a sudden Frankie starts speaking rabid Spanish to the bartender, Will, and Kristin thinks it’s “hot.”  Oh yeah?  Well if Kristin thinks that’s hot then she should check out this: “Hola, mi nombre es Patrick.  Me gusta El Hills.  Me gusta la sacapunta tambien.”  Jealous?
• Kristin takes a liking to Will, the bartender, who is making Stacie the Pointless Bartender scared for her security on the rest of this show.  Will will probably end up being a regular cast member for the rest of the season because, as we’ve learned, you’re a pointless bartender one day and traveling with the Douche-Bag-Brigade to Costa del Rico the next.  That’s how that works.
• Stephanie is left to be the sober one (court ordered) while everyone gets drunk and Audrina asks her how that makes her feel.  The answer to that is, “not bad, I’m on Ecstasy instead.”  Fine, I made that part up.
• Brody tells everyone that Kristin is like a little sister to him and that will eventually send Kristin over the edge.  Now which little sister is Brody talking about?  The little sister who lifted up her shirt for the cameras and screamed “girls gone wild” in Season One of “Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s?”  Or the little sister who was practicing on the stripper pole?  Or the sister who had the sex tape with Ray J?  Or the sister who’s built like a moose and got busted for DUI?  Which sister?  He should be more clear.
• Justin Bobby, the island pervert, apparently grabs Audrina’s arse while walking by.  We know this because Audrina tells Stephanie, “Justin just grabbed my ass.  Both cheeks.”  She makes it sound like it’s so voluptuous.  She has a table ass.  He probably was trying to put his drink down on it.  Plus, beavers have tails not asses.  Duh!
• After Kristin gives her druken-slurred “I’m done” speech in the pool to Stacie the Pointless Bartender and Sleezy T the Pointless Friend, she heads back to the bar to talk to Will the New Pointless Bartender.  I’m sensing a theme with the majority of the people in this show.  Will the New Pointless Bartender tells Kristin about this outdoor bar that they can all go to later….and they do.  It’s Costa Rica, it’s hot out even at night, they’re at a beach bar….and Brody is wearing a black wife-beater and a winter hat.  Of all the douches in the whole douche pond, Brody is the king.  To top things off it starts to rain and drunken Kristin and crew are so psyched to dance in it.  Brody looks nervous about this, but mainly because his wool knit cap is likely to shrink once it gets wet in the rain and then dried by the Costa Rican heat.  Also, is this show actually about anything?
• The next morning as the girls chit-chat about the night before (boring) they all of a sudden scream “crab!” as one walks sideways across their floor.  I assumed one just jumped out of Steph’s underwear but, no, there really was one walking across their floor.  Who knew?!  Moments later they see a baby monkey in the tree outside of their hotel and Steph hopes that it doesn’t start “throwing poop at them.”  Funny, I hope the opposite.  At least that way I won’t feel so guilty for throwing my own at my television and jumping up and down on my couch.  Just me?  Moving on.
• As the guys surf and then take a break to lay down on the beach and talk about how they’re all starting to develop breasts feeling about the whole Kristin/Brody situation, the girls are all sharing a 4-wheeler and touring the Costa Rican coast without helmets on.  You gotta love how most other countries don’t have rules like the U.S.  They’re like, “Helmets?  What?  No, no you drive this 4-wheeler with two of your friends on the back, but before you go let’s celebrate with a few tequila shots!  See you soon!”
• Later that night everyone is having a nice friendly dinner together…with Will the New Pointless Bartender because, you know, why not at this point?  There are 3 episodes left of this series so let’s just break through the rock bottom we thought we were at and find a whole new level of sh*t and piss.  And then let’s film it.
• J Bob and Audrina are talking about about themselves and I’m over it.  Who cares?  WHO CARES!  I’m starting to have a breakdown.  Or maybe a breakthrough.  It’s hard to tell.
• They all do some more shots and Kristin and Brody give a toast and, while I may be slowly lapsing into a self-induced coma, I’m pretty sure I heard Brody yell out, “to my sisters I’ve had sex with” and then laugh like a school girl in heat.  Any chance that monkey is available for some feces throwing?  Just checking.  Let me know, thanks.
• Kristin then takes Will the New Pointless Bartender about 3 feet away from “the cameras” and starts to kiss him.  Seconds later she takes him by the hand and heads down to the beach where she can, more than likely, perform hand sex on him.
• The next day Stephanie is freaking out over every bug they see.  She’s shaking, trembling, and screaming like she’s have flashbacks of her meth psychosis fits from yesteryear.  It’s actually pretty funny.  Good old Steph.  Friend ’til the end.
• The whole gang heads out for a nature hike, which is a little hard to believe since Brody and some of the others are carrying open beer bottles with them.  As they “walk” through nature, Audrina keeps falling forward and her rack almost falls out of her shirt each and every time.  Well worth the trip.  How is the camera crew keeping up with them?  Oh, that’s why the “hiking scenes” only last 4 seconds.  They finally make it to their waterfall destination where they can climb rocks and jump in.  J Bob, for some inexplicable reason, is wearing a speedo whilst he scales the rocks.  Brody climbs halfway up “the mountain” and then dives, head first, about 50 feet.  Safe.  Does Frankie not know how to swim?  You never see him surfing or frolicking in the water?  He should try it.  Perhaps wear those bright orange swimmies?  Maybe next season. Oh.  Wait.
• In the end they all head back to the airport to hop into their motorized hot air balloon and head home to LA.  Justin Bobertino asks Oddy if she had a nice time on the trip and if she would come back.  She responds by saying that yes she had a good time on the trip…but wouldn’t come back…and not with J Bob.  Zing!  Poor Justin Bobby Socks.  Isn’t it bad enough he’s even on this show?  Now he has to get slammed by Audrina (and not in the good way) on national television…on a show that’s being watched by literally 10’s of people.  Tragic.

Next week is the return of Darlene Montag and Holly Ethel Mertz Montag!  It’s sad, but I’m looking forward to it because I can’t take any more of this show the way it is.  I hope she brings that damn horse.

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The Hills Recap: Happy 25th Birthday, Teefs!

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The Hills has been on for about 15 years and Audrina is just turning 25?  Was she a fetus when they cast her?  A fetus with beaver teeth, of course.  This time around the whole gang will be celebrating Audrina’s 25th birthday on a boat.  The entire episode is basically centered around this.  I can’t wait for the episode where the whole thing is focused around making muffins.  Here’s what went down last night on Da Hills:

• All the girls head out to lunch wearing black coats like they’re either in a trash-bag biker gang or they’re all on their way to start interviewing for entry level jobs at the local employment agency since their current full-time job (being douches on TV) is coming to a close.
• It’s going to be Audrina’s 25th birthday (how the hell old am I) and Steph comes out with a random idea of going on a boat ride in Marina del Rey which I believe is Spanish for, “The producers are renting us a boat.”  Also, you can tell how old Audrina is by the length of her teeth…it’s similar to counting the rings on a tree.
• Later LOser, Raspy Coke Voice, and Sandy Sanders all head out to by Teefs Pats a birthday gift…or several birthday gifts.  They’re deciding between jewelry and a dress.  I’m shocked Steph Pratt is even allowed in stores due to her shoplifting past and, well, I heard once you shoplift, one store tells another and so on and so on and so on until you’re banned from all stores.  Was I misinformed?  Anyscript, Steph should steal Audrina some jewelry for her gift or maybe just rip a ring off the finger of an old lady walking down the street.  Whatever is easier and works best with Steph’s hectic schedule.
• Lo doesn’t know if they should invite Justin Bobby to the boat party from hell because she doesn’t want J Bob and/or Audrina to think there’s “an opening” with them.  Uh, it’s Audrina.  There’s always an opening.  Hey-oh!
• Meanwhile at “da beach” Frankie (ugh), Brody, and Sleezy T are sitting on the sand and gossiping like a bunch of teenage girls all synced up on their period.  So dumb.  The only smart thing Brody says is that McKaela is insane.  That I believe.  I truly believe that McKaela not only thinks she’s a main cast member on this show, but that she really is actually Lauren Conrad.  I’m sure we’ll see her rubbing Rogaine on her upper lip just to try and match the ’stache.  Sidenote, that should totally be a new gameshow: “Match….That….’Stache!”  I’ll host.
• Later that night everyone heads out to “da club” so that this show can contain more scenes than: “shopping in store” and “sitting on sand.”  Brody decides it’s best to be wearing a winter hat and t-shirt at “da club” and Spencer’s friend, Charlie, is in a full on suit and tie with his hair slicked back into a tight wet ponytail, just the way Tyra Banks likes it.  Let that sentence simmer for a smidge.
• For someone who’s a “recovering alcoholic” Stephanie Pratt really does frequent a lot of bars and clubs.  Isn’t that like a hoarder going to a junkyard?
• HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is lurking in the background with what looks like a blond fright wig and sipping on her drink.  I know they’ve decided to cut out Heidi and Steve Sanders from this show, but why take away all of Holly’s lines?  I mean, when she’s drunk is when we get the best material.  Sad, really.
• LC 2.0 shows up with Allie Triple Lutz because, you know, it’s come to this.  LC 2.0 doesn’t want to go over to where Brody and crew are hanging out, but Allie Triple Lutz heads over to talk to a drunken Kristin.  I love when Kristin is drunk.  When she’s drunk she’s hotter, funnier, smarter, and an all around better person.  Wait, is that when she’s drunk or when I’m drunk?  I forget.  All I know is that Kristin is wrapped up in Slurfest 2010 whilst chatting with Allie.  She’s at that drunken point where you have a delayed reaction.  Example:  Allie Triple Lutz and Kristin are slur-yelling (or slurlling) at each other and Allie puts her hand on Kristin’s coke wrist.  Kristin puts up both hands, like she’s being robbed, and starts slurlling, “Don’t f’n touch me!”  She then does this hand wave by Allie’s face and that ends that.  Seriously, there should be a clause in their contract that states that all cast members must be drunk at least 99.9998% of the time.  Technically we all should be.
• The “next day” Kristin shows up to SmashHerBox Studios to visit Lo.  I believe this is the first time Kristin has ever been in an office.  LC 2.0’s back is to Kristin, yet Kristin just stands there and says, “McKaela, is Lo around?”  How the hell did she know it was McKaela by the back of her head?!  I’m sure the answer to that is “because they shot this same scene 5 times.”
• LC 2.0 apologizes for “the other night,” but wants to know if Kristin doesn’t like her because of Allie Triple Lutz or because she’s “dating Brody.”  Seriously LC 2.0 is a little crazy.  She really thinks she’s still dating Brody.  That’s sweet.  I wonder how many months from now when The Hills is over LC 2.0 is going to be puking in a dumpster behind Le Douche and slurring to the cops, ‘Do you know who I am?  I was McKaela on The Hills, God damn it!”
• Seconds later LC 2.0 and Kristin get into a little tiff about who’s life is more pathetic because this fight is their biggest problem.  I’m confused, but mainly bored.
• Oddy heads over to Chaz Bono’s new house to drink a glass of red wine and break up with him in front of an audience of about 2 million people (give or take a million).  You can tell Chaz is upset by the way the conversation is going by the way his spikes seem to slowly be falling “on the way down” when Audrina speaks.  Speaking of which, why are they both talking in “stop/start” sentences right now?  They’re like, “I don’t. Know how to. Fix.  Like. The Problem.”  And then Audrina replies with, “It’s just. Like. Something. That.  I guess.”  Seriously, I’m getting their addresses and showing up to their houses on Monday’s, Wednesday’s, and Friday’s to do flash cards.
• Puke Alert:  Justin Bobby shows up to meet Kristin for dinner and both are wearing cut-off shirts.  J Bob has a cut-off flannel and Kristin is wearing a cut-off jean jacket (or dungaree jacket as my parents would say).  Basically they’re both dressed like they should be chewing on hay and banging their sibling, but I digress.
• Kristin lets J Bob know that Audrina’s birthday is coming up to which J Bobert asks, “Is it today?”  Uh, didn’t he date her for like 4 years?  Anyway, J Bob is invited to the boat party and Kristin lets him know that Chaz Bono may be out of the picture.  More to the conversation could have taken place, but I was hypnotized by the fact that they’re both wearing cut-off shirts in 2010.
• The “next day” Oddy heads over to Kristin’s coke den to talk about the fact that she broke up with Chaz Bono and that he/she keeps texting Oddy like a big bitch basically begging her to reconsider.  I’m sure he’s more upset by the fact that he’s off the show they’re filming called “The Hills.”  I’m sure right after he text messaged Audrina he then goes through is contact list and starts sorting to “S” for Simpson, Ashlee to see how her marriage is and if she has any future reality shows in the works.
• It’s the day of the big birthday boat party for Audrina “Teefs” Patridge.  And they really got a beautiful day weather-wise.  See how I just said that to make myself feel better for having the initial thought that I hoped that their boat sank and this episode, therefore, became the series finale?  Yeah, so what a beautiful day for all of them!
• Oddy is being a birthday downer on this boat party by talking about how Chaz won’t let the breakup go.  Boring.
• At one point, Justin Bobby is driving this boat which increases the chances that they’ll hit an iceberg and all my dreams will come true.
• Meanwhile, the whole gang is downstairs in the boat so that they can surprise Oddy with cupcakes with candles in them.  This is nothing like Lauren’s birthday boat cruise surprise that they had a few seasons ago.  I miss her.  I miss her ’stache.  I miss her her Cheshire Cat smile.  I love your smile, do do do do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do do do.  I love your smile. I really do. (credit: Shanice)
• After Oddy blows out her candles, Brody announces that “da boys” are going to Costa Rica and now the girls think they might go too.  Seriously, who doesn’t work?  Everyone can just drop and go to Costa Rica “next week” like it’s no big deal.  Brody says that what’s great about Costa Rica is that LC 2.0 and Allie Triple Lutz won’t be there and then Kristin half looks into the camera and says, “I guarantee they will be.”  You know what Kristin?  The same way I knew you would be showing up at Heidi and Spencer’s wedding just so the producers could stick it to Conrad one last time, you’re right, I guarantee that LC 2.0 and Allie Triple will be there too.  Surprise!  Is this show over yet?
• In the end, Oddy sits at the bow (I have no idea) with Justin Bobby to talk relationships, what they’ve learned from past love, and if they’re in the right place right now.  They might have talked about the war, but I have no idea as I was looking at the clock and it said 10:30 and I was pissed that this show didn’t end right at 10:30 and why I must suffer with an extra minute of this.  10:31.  Ok done.

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The Hills Recap: The One Where Lo and Steph Go Food Shopping (Yup)

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Welcome back to your weekly Hills recap!  Here’s what went down last night on another crapisode of The Hills:

• We kick things off with Stephanie, Lo, and Audrina sitting around talking about the war, taxes, health care reform, and the rising homeless situation in America.  I’m kidding.  They’re talking about Steph’s new “boyfriend” looking like a prom king and Audrina stopping by Justin Bobby’s bike shop the other day and not telling Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono about it.  Steph and Lo react to this like Audrina said she stopped by Bin Laden’s cave for a Redbull and a motorboating.
• Wait a second, so McKaela (LC 2.0) and Allie Triple Lutz are actually in their own scene together?  Are they on this show now for real?  Poor Frankie Delgado.  He’s been trying to stir the scripted pot in every scene that he’s been in since 2005 and these two trashmasters are getting more airtime than him.  What a world.  What a racist world.  Yeah I went there.
• LC 2.0 and Allie Triple Lutz are having some lunch and talking about how all the girls don’t like Allie.  Allie can’t seem to figure it out and when LC 2.0 brings up Allie breaking into Brody’s house years ago she starts talking 100 mph and twitching and shaking and sh*t.  When Allie says that Brody did go to Brody’s house, but that he let her in to look for her ring, LC 2.0 tries to somehow justify the situation by asking if it was “late at night” about 10 times.  I am highly confused by this scene not only because I felt like I was dodging and weaving syphilis from Allie Triple Lutz whilst she chattered, but also by the fact that I still can’t believe how much McKaela looks like Lauren Conrad to me.  She looks a little taller though.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it was really Lauren sitting on Enzo’s shoulders wearing a long trench-coat.
• The whole gang heads out for a night out on the scripted town at Le Douche and even Justin Bobby shows up looking like he just tried to light his sneakers on fire during a Delta flight from NYC>LAX.  This makes Audrina’s upper lip get real tight and do her Fire Marshall Bill impression.  I think that similar to a dog wagging its tail, this means that Audrina is happy.  Now if someone would just roll up a newspaper and hit her on the nose I’d be content.
• J Bob goes over an shakes Audrina’s hand like he’s running for City Councilman and hoping to get her vote during the upcoming election.  Lo thinks this is hysterical and that actually makes my blackened heart smile for her.
• I’m not sure why Steve Sanders friend, Charlie, is sitting with Justin-Bateman-Bobby but that friendship intrigues me.
• On the other side of the couches Chaz Bono wants no part of any of this and decides that he and Oddy should peace out of Le Douche. As much of a creepo as Chazzy B may be I actually think he’s not intimidated by J Bob, but thinks he’s being set up by the producers in this scene hoping for a big confrontation.  Am I the only loser who thought that?  Rewind your DVRs and do a full analysis and report back to me in a composition of 200 words or less with 1 inch margins and proper cursive writing.  Neatness counts.
• Anyspikes, Chaz Bono and Audrina leave Le Douche, but not before Chaz says goodbye to Justin Roberto in the most awkward way possible.  J Bob wants to fist bump.  Chaz says, “I only give high-fives.”  He ends up high-fiving Justin Bobby’s fist and I have to switch back to the Celtics/Lakers because I am highly embarrassed.  And who “only gives high-fives?”  I’ll tell you who.  Michelle Tanner in every Full House episode where she encountered someone who wasn’t Danny Tanner.  She usually followed it up with a “You got it, dude!”  That’s who.
• It’s date night for Stephanie Pratt and Max comes over with two boxes of Girl Scout cookies.  That’s not a joke.  I’m sure that was the only thing available on set at craft services.  The date is taking place at Steph’s apartment and I’ll assume she’s probably just under house arrest.
• Steph made a whole meal that consisted of boiling things and making salad.  Her strength in boiling things, I’m sure, began while living in a meth lab years ago (allegedly). When Max tells Steph she’s missing out by not eating the salad she responds with, “I saw how I made that.”  Mmmm yum.  I bet she’s the person that’s too lazy to cut up the carrots for the salad so she just takes bites of the carrot and then spits it back into the bowl.  I’m sure she also rinsed the lettuce off with her all the bottles of wine she had to spill out before the cameras showed up.
• Steph lets Max know that she hasn’t talked to her brother after she got a DUI and Max looks like he’s trying to find the nearest escape route in her apartment.  In the end, he ends up telling Steph that her brother is doing the opposite of what someone should do if their sibling is in trouble.  Awkward.  He then apologizes for bringing it up and Steph accepts his apology all whilst hunched over at the table and making odd faces.  Oh well.  Looks like Max is going to be going home alone and using his other hand to pretend it is Steph.  All’s well that ends well.  I’m sure the salad will end up giving him the sh*ts anyway.
• Attention Future Audrina Stalkers: The code to get into her house is, “Hey it’s me.”  Just say that when you arrive and she’ll let you right in.  It worked for Chaz Bono and it can and will work for you.  Audrina seems to be having second thoughts about her relationship with Chaz.  She guesses that every relationship gets to the point where “the honeymoon is over.”  For The Hills, that’s technically when 3 episodes have passed.  Also, I forgot to mention this before in the Le Douche scene, but how funny was it when Justin Bobby kept telling Brody that Chaz Bono was “a rocker.”  Awesome!  SAT Test Question Time:  Ryan Cabrera is to a rocker as Kristin Cavallari is to an actress.  Pencils down.
• It’s time for the Wango Tango concert and Chaz Bono is performing his “hit song” that “the kids went wild over” from like 2002.  Audrina is literally brought to tears during this song, as am I…but for different reasons.  Audrina asks Steph if she can tell she’s crying even though she has sunglasses on.  Steph replies with, “Kind of….your lips.”  Oh not she didn’t.  So close. So close.  I would have jumped up and fist-bumped my TV if she replied with, “Kind of…your teeth.”  Damn it so close.  Audrina ends up leaving “the concert” and crying out in the parking lot because she thinks this is all too much.  She’s kind of right.  Nothing makes you feel older than being 27 and still going to a summer concert sponsored by Kiss FM when Ryan Cabrera is headlining.
• Well we’ve come to this, my friends.  The “next day” Stephanie and Lo are filming their scene at the grocery store.  Let me repeat.  They’re at the grocery store.  They’re food shopping.  Awesome.  Someone needs to tell Steph that the Sudefed is now behind the pharmacy and so she can’t buy 15 boxes of it so that she can run home, chop up the pills, and try to make homemade meth.  That’s why they do that.  Also, they might as well pick up a couple of applications because The Hills is over very soon and, well, the rent is going to pay itself anymore.  Maybe Steph and can be that lady who passes out samples of cheese on toothpicks?  Aim high, aim often.
• In the end, everyone heads out to the Nylon Young Hollywood party.  LC 2.0 shows up with Allie Triple Lutz and then slowly heads over to where Brody is sitting and just kind of lurks behind him.  I love stalkers.  I am one.  I love the move where you just lurk.  Just stand there and lurk from a distance and then be like, “oh hey!” when you make direct eye contact.  LC 2.0 is such a good stalker.
• It is then when the fight breaks out between Kristin and Allie Triple Lutz.  Here’s why I like it. (1) Allie Triple Lutz looks like a sausage with a bleach blond fright wig on in her dress and (2) Kristin is drunk fighting, which is always an A+ on my report card.  She’s standing up slurring, “Come here I couldn’t hear you” when Allie Triple was saying that she can’t handle pretty girls in LA.  Stacie the Pointless Bartender is jumping in and yelling too.  Here’s the thing, Stacie the Pointless Bartender thinks that LC 2.0 and Allie don’t deserve to be there.  It’s like, Stacie, you literally were the bartender in two episodes of The Hills before they basically made you a main character.  Count your blessings, count your tips, and shut yo’ mouf!
• Brody breaks up the fight.  LC 2.0 gets pissed at Allie Triple Lutz for causing a scene and having everyone hate her.  Brody and Kristin scriptedly go home together to scriptedly do “bang.”  The eeeeend.

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