More Mindless Stories on ‘the city’

“The City” is Not Being Canceled. You Hear Me? NEVER!

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I don’t even know if that was a complete sentence or if the copper wires in my brain are getting tangled, but some sh*it-bum website tried to ruin my day by saying that The City is being canceled at the conclusion of this season.  Oh, and by “day” I, of course, mean “life.”

Like many of you, when I first heard this “news” I immediately got my rosary beads, took a bath in holy water, and then flew directly to the Vatican in order to appeal to Pope J…Pope Paul….Pope Benedictis….er…um…Mr. Pope to see if he could force the world to pray in unison until Jesus made sure that The City wouldn’t, in fact, be canceled.  I even had him bless my Kelly Cutrone doll that I may or may not have made out of Mrs. Potato Head spare parts, some newspaper, black yarn, and glue.  I’m kidding.  I didn’t use black yarn.  I used cat whiskers.

Well it seems as if my prayers were answered because I then took to “The Facebook” and both Kelly Cutrone and Whito Port are both claiming these rumors are not true and The City is not being canceled.  Seriously, they better never cancel that sh*t because, let’s face it, this is really all I have left.  If they ever even thought of ending this show I would just dress up the homeless people who live outside my apartment and force them re-enact my favorite scenes.  I mean, I’m not an animal so I would be sure to pay them for their time.  However, instead of currency I would pay in tin-foil hats, ripped Walgreen’s bags, and smiles.  Oh, and I reached out to Olivia for comment, but apparently she has no clue she even films a television show.

The City Forever,
IBBB (love and light)

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Love Letters from Erin Kaplan

Well, well, well.  I must admit when I first saw the email from Erin Kaplan of “The City” fame, I immediately assumed it was some type of electronic restraining order or one of those pesky “slander” lawsuits.  No joke, when I first saw it I was like, “Oh crap.”  That’s usually the reaction I have when I encounter and/or hear from someone I write about.  However, I must admit I was pleasantly surprised.  Who knew Erin Jo loved my City recaps?  I love when people I write about “get it.”  You know what I mean?  They take it all in fun.  Erin Kaplan?  Gets it.  Kelly Cutrone?  Gets it.  Tommy Lee?  Didn’t get it.  Kim Zolciak?  Didn’t get it.  The only thing that could have made this email better is if Erin attached a picture of herself giving me the side-eye or an double eye roll.  I’m kidding.  It would have been better if the email went a little something like this:

My Dearest IBBB,

Where do I begin?  I love your recaps of The City.  I love you.  I love the fact that as I type this email to you I am using Olivia has a footstool underneath my desk.  It’s a little bony, but still comfortable.  Anyeyeroll, since I work/live in NYC and you work/live in NYC let’s get together for a beer or 10 and then stop by and pick up Kelly Cutrone and go sing Christmas carols in front of Olivia’s apartment. Oh hell, Joe Zee Messina can come too.  We’ll talk about knocking over a 7-11 as the night progresses.

Forever Yours,

Erin Jo

Roxy Olin and Jesse Metcalf Because That Makes Sense

Don’t think I didn’t immediately spot you, Roxy Olin.  Like a high pitched whistle that only a dog can hear, I can spot a cast-member from an MTV reality show  even faster than I can find Waldo.  For most it’s like finding a needle in a haystack, but for me it’s like shooting side-eyes in a barrel.

“The City’s” Roxy Olin was apparently trying to learn how to read from Jesse Metcalf whilst at Coachella over the weekend.  In additional signs that I’m getting old: Those hats.

How in all the holiest of hells are these two friends?  I mean, from a technical standpoint I couldn’t care less, but I think things like this should be public knowledge.  Court ordered, some would say.

Each One Represents My Facial Expressions While Watching an Episode of “The City”

Whitney, Roxy, and some dude who I will pretend is really Jay suffering from anorexia, were spotted shooting some last minute scenes for “The City” in the West Village of NYC yesterday.  Seriously I’m outside every day (at least once), why do I never see Whitney…ever?  I bet they just shoot on a sound stage in Brooklyn…or in the basement of Kelly Cutrone’s summer home.

Do you think Whitney is askinK Roxy why she’s bothering shootinK this dumb reality show when she’s had a reoccurring role on ABC’s Brothers & Sisters?  I know I’d ask her.  In fact, when I’m walking to and from work every day I am ready to shout that at her if I ever see her.  I kid.  I’d really ask if Whitney passed the 4th grade.  I’m kidding.  The 3rd.

Well Look What the Scripted Cat Dragged In!

I guess there’s no reason to watch the next episode of The City because the photo above is showing that Whitney and Ozzy Bobby are still together.  I’m going to take it an assumption further.  It looks like these two are married.  It looks like Ozzy Bobby is impregnating Whitney as they walk out from STK in LA.  It looks like Whitney is 4 centimeters dilated and Ozzy Bobby is mouthing the words to ask me to be the Godfather of their bastard child.  I hope Sleepy Time Allie is the Godmother.

Anycowbell, Whitney was out celebrating her 24th birthday.  Ah, I remember the days of being 24.  I had just got off the Santa Maria, hi-fived Columbus, and signed my name on Ellis Island.  It may not have happened in that order, but that’s what I recall.  Good day.