More Mindless Stories on ‘the city recaps’

The City Recap: If Olivia Gets Fired From Elle, I Quit Life.

Join Me on Facebook!

Better late than never.  This week on The City it’s Fashion Week in New York City which is like Christmas morning for these people.  For me, it’s a bit of a snooze, but I’m confident that my friend Olivia and the rest of the gang will make this episode everything I’ve dreamed about and more.  And less.  Let’s see what went down on the latest episode of The City: The British Are Coming (that’s pretty personal):

• Is Kelly Cutrone sporting black hair extensions?  Good God I hope so.  I’d love it if Kiko turned into a huge media sex pot.  Like I really want her to smut it up, a ton.  A real lot.  Basically if Kelly Cutrone got the cover of FHM I’d want her in a black bikini and I’d expect her tan lines to actually be a tan and the rest of her body pale white.  I expect nothing less from my little Kiko.  Wow.  I really started this recap off at the very bottom of the barrel.  Oh well, no where but up, my friends, no where but up.
• Kelly Cutrone reminds Whitney that it’s Fashion Week in NYC and, well, she doesn’t have a fashion show this year.  However, maybe one will happen for her at the last minute….like in Nebraska?  Who knows.  All that matters is that Kelly lets us all know that if you aren’t back stage at a fashion show or not in the first three rows then you are a number 1 loser.  Awesome!  I have a quick question.  What if you aren’t back stage at a fashion show and you’re not in the first three rows during a fashion show, but you sit on your couch and you recap a conversation about fashion show rules?  What’s worse than a loser?  Once that is named, please label me with that.
• Meanwhile over at (h)ELLE Magazine evil headquarters, Joe Zee Messina is having his daily/weekly/hourly/minutely meeting to discuss Fashion Week and he looks like he’s ready to break out into a sweat just talking about it.  I’m expecting to see someone hand him some orange slices, a small cup of water, and then wrap him in an aluminum foil cape once he’s done speaking.  Seth, my arch nemesis, is at the meeting and, not for nothing, but I don’t even see the kid holding a pen and taking a notes.  He’s just smirking.  If this were an episode of The Smurfs, he’d be Smirky Smurf.  Joe Zee would be Speedy Smurf.  Erin Jo would be Faces Smurf.  And Olivia would be Dead Behind the Eyes Smurf.  I, of course, would be Camera Hog Smurf….and Jokey Smurf, obviously.  I’d save my first exploding box for Olivia because, well, I’d assume she’d save hers for me.  Hey-oh!  Back to the meeting, sorry.  Olivia claims she can get a behind the scenes interview with Marc Jacobs because she blows him is friends with him.  Once she says this I’m sure they yelled “cut’ and Joe Zee had to go change his underwear because he had a “happy accident.”  Erin Jo fills in the crew about her new “relationship” with Louise from Elle UK and how she may help them out from time to time.  She then says she does great work and that they need someone who is consistent.  This is when the camera goes to Olivia and she has a confused look on her face.  Now I don’t think for one second that Olivia realizes that she’s being back-doored (giggity), but I do think that when Olivia heard the word “consistent” she immediately thought, “I’m not consistent I just took a nasty dump this morning!?”  You know you were thinking it too and, well, if you weren’t you are now.  You’re welcome America, you’re welcome.
• Over at Pubic Rev, Roxy Horror is all 6’s and 7’s because she’s trying to figure out how to do a seating chart.  Yes, assigning names to chairs is a challenge.  Sammie and the gap between her teeth show up to take Whitney to some fashion show in which they’ll be sitting front row thanks to the wonderful folks over at Burgerdork John Goodman.  Que Suerte!  All Things Cutrone lets Whito know that Maybelline wants to meet her and maybe, just maybe (aka it’s definitely happening), they’ll want to work with Whitney some how.
• At the fashion show we learn that Louise used to date Freddie Fucklemackle.  If you recall, Whitney scriptedly dated Freddie Fucklemackle last season for an episode or two.  Whitney says that she “kinda sorta” dated him, which means that she let him put the tip in.  She’s a lady like that.  As a sidenote, I can’t take Louise’s accent.  It’s too much.  Thank God I don’t have an accent.  I also can’t not look at Louise and not see Kelly Bensimon from Real Housewives of NYC.  Between that and McKaela on The Hills looking like Lauren Conrad it’s like the reality show Gods are really trying to F with my mind  or lack there of.
• Meanwhile over at Marc Jacobs fashion show Olivia is trying to get the backstage interview for Elle Magazine, but I’m pretty sure she’s more focused on doing air kisses and looking down at the ground.  A lot.  It’s really a full time job for her.  Hell, it’s a promotion for her.  Anyskinandbones, Olivia sneaks away leaving the camera man to just stand there, awkwardly, while she heads back stage.  Will she meet Marc Jacobs?  Will she get the interview?  Will she eat?  Ever?  All this and more won’t be answered, so let’s move on.
• Fashion shows scare me.  There’s too much going on and too many flashing lights.  Kiko Palooza 3000 is filling in Roxy Horror on what do do during this fashion show.  It’s something about beat beat lights, beat beat cue the girls, beat beat music, etc.  I’m sure it runs smoother and you can follow the “beat beat” instructions better when you’re on Ecstasy. As that takes place, Joe Zee is in a huff about how bad the weather is outside.  I only heard half of what he said as the second I saw Seth in the front row I started seeing red and lost all hearing.  Why is he in the front row?  Why?  Is it because he’s banging Rita Wilson?  Such a waste of a seat.  He’ll probably just sit there and “watch” and “take notes.” If it was me there I’d be yelling at the models as they walked by saying things like, “Are the Friends really friends?” and “can you walk faster because the camera is on me right now and, well, I’m living my “City” dream.”   See?  He’ll do none of that.  Bah.
• Louise bumps into Joe Zee and Erin Jo at the fashion show and Joe Zee invites her to another fashion show after he learns that she does “on camera” interviewing.  Well, of all the people who I expected to cheat on Olivia I NEVER thought it was Joe Zee Messina.  Shame, shame on you!  When he gets home to Olivia’s house he’s going to have a lot of explaining to do and he’s going to have to explain his black-eye in the Monday morning Elle meeting.
• Olivia falls out of the woodwork wearing Ms. Hannigan’s fur wrap and tells Kevin, the camera guy, that she couldn’t get the Marc Jacobs interview and “goodnight.”  Poor Kevin.  You know he was pissed he had to stand there holding a camera while another camera was on him the whole time.  Olivia crookedly walks away looking like she has no idea where she’s going, where she is, or who she is.  Basically, it’s a normal night for Olivia.
• The “next day” at some other fashion show, (I think it was the Bradlee’s Mischa Barton show) Joe Zee, Erin Jo, and Louise are all front row and Seth is 2nd row (zing!) seated right behind the reserved seat for Olivia Palermo.  Olivia is not in attendance because she over slept.  Over sleeping and under eating is deadly combination.  Joe Zee also learns that Olivia didn’t get the Marc Jacobs interview.  I saw steam.  So, because Olivia isn’t there and Louise and her accent are, they ask her to do the interview of the fashion designer.  She accepts and just when she starts the interview Olivia comes in, looking like she just crawled out of the dumpster after being gang banged by the homeless and a few rats, and has to witness someone taking over her “job.”  I’m concerned.  If Olivia gets replaced how is she going to afford her rent and surviving in this tough economy? More importantly, who is Joe Zee going to be best friends with?  How about me?  Surely, I can sit in Olivia’s desk and look down towards the ground.  Pick me!
• Back at Pubic Rev, Kiki tells Roxy Horror that she did a great job and she tells Whitney that Maybelline scored her a show during Miami Fashion Week.  Miami?  Wow!  I hope Whitney’s line consists of skank-tops and daisy dukes!  To top things off, she’s allowing Roxy to go with Whitney to Miami and run the show.  Even better, Kelly says she won’t be going and that Whitney and Roxy can totally do this themselves.  The best part is that Kiko tells Roxy that she believes in her and is going to “up the ante and double down on another death bet.”  If by calling it a “death bet” doesn’t scream “I have faith in you” I don’t know what does.  She starts rattling off a list of things that Roxy will be responsible for and then stops, looks at her, and says, “do you need a pen?”  Oh no!  That’s a trick question, as we’ve learned that Kelly requires pens especially during a recession (see old episode from Season 2).
• In the end, Erin Jo has a “status update” meeting with Rita Wilson at Elle and basically throws my little Olivia under the bus.  Sniff sniff.  Rita Wilson asks Erin Jo if Olivia is valuable to her and Erin Jo responds “no.”  Ugh.  No?  Really?  Come on.  She’s a little valuable.  She’s valuable for my jokes.  She’s valuable as a BFF 4Eva to Joe Zee Messina.  She’s valuable to a show you’re currently filming called “The City.”  But, alas, Erin Jo sticks with “no” and Rita Wilson says, “Ok.  Ok, I’ll make a phone call.”  Who is she going to call?  Is it like a mafia phone call?  Is Olivia going to be malnourishedly sleeping with the fishes?  Damn you all straight to hell for this!  If Olivia gets fired from Elle, I quit life.

Join Me on Facebook!

The City Recap: Not Wearing Guess Can Send Joe Zee Into Cardiac Arrest

Join Me on Facebook!

• We’re kicking things off at (h)Elle Magazine and a loving exchange between Olivia and Erin Jo.  Erin Jo is filling in Olivia on some event that Guess is having and Olivia is looking at Erin Jo like she’s a 2 year old reciting a blueberry muffins recipe.  At the same time Erin Jo is talking at Joe Zee speeds and, coincidentally, making me feel the need to buy a set of Micro-Machines.
• As Erin tells Olivia about what needs to be done Olivia, literally, looks like she’s being stabbed.  She keeps squirming around and rolling her eyes like she’s trying to run from feelings of love and compassion.  Olivia cuts off Erin and tells her that she’ll talk to Joe about whatever she is rambling about and will check her schedule to see if she has time to do what Erin just told her to do.  Seriously, she’s responding like Erin just asked her to come over for a scones and lemonade picnic.  After Olivia finishes spinning back and forth in her chair, Erin sits back and literally laughs at her.  I mean, there could have been a cameraman holding a stuffed animal up in the air and yelling for Erin to “look at the pretty bird, look at the silly bird, Erin” but one will never know.
• Over at Pubic Rev, Whitney is losing her sh*t with excitement over feathers the same way my 3 year old niece does.  I’m not sure why she’s so exited but she wants Roxy Horror to “pull looks” that have feathers in it.  She should have been more specific as I now assume Roxy will be chasing pigeons around all over New York City with a toothpick in one hand and a ziplock back in the other.
• All Things Cutrone heads into the office to let Roxy Horror know that because she’s such a F-up she is no longer going to be helping Whitney sell her rags to Teen Beat magazine anymore and will be focusing on new clients who she can burn bridges with and, in the end, be the real reason why Pub Rev will be filing for Chapter 11 by the end of the fiscal year.
• Kelly informs the girls that Erin Jo has invited them to a Elle party to which Whito replies, “Will Olivia be there probably?”  Oh almost Whitney!  This is the closest that Whitney has come to completing an actual sentence.  However, I believe the order of words should have been, “Will Olivia probably be there?”  I’ll give her a B+ and allow her to do some extra credit work to bump up her grade to an A.  I’ll have it be something to do with feathers.  Feathers and a reach around.
• Erin Jo heads over to Guess to dig up the body of Anna Nicole Smith and to get some clothes for the fiesta.  Olivia is there too.  At one point Olivia flips through a book in the waiting room, looks at two pages, closes the book and says, “Hmm interesting.”  Why yes, Olivia, it is interesting when you turn the pages and a giant elephant and panda don’t pop up.  It’s also interesting when you’re flipping through a book and there isn’t a crowd of people in it with Waldo hiding behind the cotton candy machine.
• Yowza.  While at Guess we get to meet Alina Hauptman.  She has that look on her face like Cindy Brady did when she was on the game show and froze up when the red light went on.  I hope she doesn’t puke.  I kinda hope she does, actually.
• While digging through the racks (giggity) Olivia lets us know that in elementary school she wore an eclectic group of designers and Erin Jo looks as she if she’s about to declare jihad on the showroom.  I do believe that Olivia did wear all different designers as she probably wanted to be known as the fashionable skank whilst she was giving hand jobs on the monkey bars.
• Olivia must have been reading up on her Gag Book-o-Jokes while on the toilet because she takes a skimpy white dress/shirt off the rack and tells Erin, “This would look good on you…with a big chunky sweater.”  Oh no you didn’t.  Oh no you just did not.  Erin should have zinged her back with, “Thanks, but I think it would look better on you and it will really make your feeding tube pop!”
• At the Guess event, Whitney chats it up with Joe Zee Messina, who is going to take a look at Whitney’s rack and her new clothing line.  What luck.  Meanwhile, Olivia is on the step and repeat not interviewing people but being interviewed instead.  Ugh, what interesting things can you possibly ask Olivia about?  “So….um….er…..uh…..you tired?”  Joe Zee is about to fall to the ground and throw a tantrum because Olivia is not wearing any Guess clothes at the Guess event.  And that’s when Alina steps in.  She asks Olivia what happened to the clothes she gave her and Olivia lets her know that none of them fit so she didn’t wear them.  Basically, Guess should have clothes that are tailored to a broom stick because that’s all that’s going to fit on Olivia.  She needs something that really shows off her collar bone.
• At Pub Rev Roxy Horror is helping her new clients while Kelly Cutrone is dressed like Ugly Betty.  One guy comes up, literally, wearing Joan Rivers QVC jewelry and, well, I’ve had enough at this point.
• Back at Elle, Joe Zee Messina is scolding Olivia over the fact that she didn’t wear Guess clothes at the Guess party.  Olivia literally laughs and says, “Oh Joe.”  Joe Zee Messina tells Olivia that it’s not funny and that it’s a serious thing.  I’m sure he wanted to end that sentence with, “…but I still love you and please please please let’s still be best friends and don’t defriend me on Facebook ok?  Ok?  Ok, here’s $100 now go out and get a nice big lunch and then throw it up and then let Erin eat it.”
• This whole time Erin looks like she’s trying to figure out ways to perform a murder-suicide without actually killing herself.  Although Erin also looks like she has raccoon eyes, so may she’s just battling a bout of that pesky rabies?
• Later that day, Whitney shows up at Elle to show Joe Zee her rack.  They edit the piss out of the scene to make it look like while she’s waiting for Erin to bring her to Joe’s office that she and Olivia just give each other awkward glances.  Nice try, but like Caroline Manzo says, I am not buying it.  First off I’m not even sure that Olivia sits in front of Erin.  I assume they just have a green screen there and then through the magic of Pixar they somehow add her into these scenes and make her mouth move and eyes blink…and roll.
• Whito shows her flammable clothes to Joe Zee and Anne Slowey.  To sum up this scene, Anne Slowey hates all of Whitney’s clothes and, I’m sure if she could, she would place Whitney under citizens arrest.  Poor Whitney, I actually felt bad for her for a second, but then I remembered she’s on a TV show and gets paid more for a season than I’ll see in a year to I quickly stopped feeling bad for her.
• Whitey, who looks like Tony the Tiger is feeling her up, and Kelly Cutrone are having a nice lunch and Whitney is venting to Kiki Cutrone about how much Anne Slowey hated her line.  Kiko tells Whito that she can feel bad for 2 hours but then should be jumping up and down that she even got that meeting with Anne Slowey.  I think that’s great advice.  It’s Grrrrrrrrrrrreat!
• In the end, Erin Jo is having a top secret (I have no idea) lunch with Louise Roe, a fashion journalist.  You want to know what’s interesting to me about this?  Louise.  You don’t really hear that name too much anymore.  Louise.  Oh, or Francis.  Not many Francis’ out there kicking around.  Moving on.  Louise looks like a mix between Kelly Bensimon and Elle McPhearson….mixed with a little meth.  Erin Jo fills in Louise that she thinks she’ll be great for Elle and that they do have someone who “works” there now (Olivia) but it’s not working out so well.  Wait, it’s not?  I thought it was working out awesomely.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that Olivia is getting promoted from “Joe Zee’s Best Friend” to “Girl Who Stands Next to Water Cooler and Says “Sorry I’ll Only Be a Second.”  No?

Join Me on Facebook!

The City Recap: So When Did Joe Zee Start Banging Olivia?

Join Me on Facebook.  You’ll Hate It!

Time to spend a little time with the folks from “The City.”  You want to know what this show is missing?  Someone with a visible drug problem.  Really, that’s it.  It has everything else I’m looking for in a show, but it’s missing a sloppy drug addict.  I’d even trade that in for a drunk.  Toss in a drunk and you’re in the running for an Emmy.  Anycrap, here’s what went down (besides Joe Zee on Olivia) last night on The City:

• Let’s start taking swings at the pinata and celebrate because Kelly Cutrone just informed Whitney that Glamor magazine is going to do a “piece” on her new line.  Something about skirts and cheap-sh*t I think, it’s hard to follow.  All I know is that Whito wants to bring Roxy to the meeting and Kiki Cutty basically thinks it would be like bringing your pimp to the Little Peaches of America Cotillion.  It just shouldn’t happen.  As a side note, Whitney is wearing what I can only assume is a mix between a Suze Orman bedazzled blazer and Paula Abdul’s jacket from her Vibeology video.  Like a fruit fly that flutters 1 inch from your face, it’s distracting.
• Cowebell.
• Back to Elle, back to reality.  While Erin is cackling on the phone, Olivia is surfing the web at her “desk.”  I’m sure Olivia thinks she’s watching television and the screen keeps freezing, but that’s neither here nor there.  Erin Jo lets Olivia know that they have a staff meeting coming up and wonders what Olivia is going to contribute.  Olivia half smiles and tells Erin Jo that she’ll just have to wait and see.  In other words, “My parents already contribute a large sum of money to this magazine so there’s my contribution b*tch.”  I’m kidding.   Olivia doesn’t have parents.  She was conceived by Rosie the robot from The Jetson’s and an old oak tree and she was raised by butlers.  At least that’s what I found on Ancestry.com and they’re never wrong.
• Whoa slow down Speedy Gonzalez.  Joe Zee Messina is doing a “drive by chatting” with Olivia all whilst wearing his aviator sunglasses.  It’s like a party at Diddy’s every day at Elle!  Joe invites Olivia to some random Gossip Girl party, but he is so excited just to ask her it’s like watching the computer geek asking out the cheerleader as she stands by her locker.  After Olivia lifelessly says that she’ll go, Joe Zee looks towards Erin and basically says, “You don’t want to go, Erin, do you?”  Oh no he just did not.  When did Olivia turn into the new girlfriend and Erin Jo turn into the bitter ex-wife who’s in a heated custody battle over the kids?  Poor Erin.  I would never do that do her.  If I were sitting in the next cube I would have started rapping: “Shorty you’re the hottest, love the way you drop it, brain so good could have swore you went to college.  Hundred K deposits, vacation in the tropics, everybody know it ain’t trickin if you got it.  You ain’t never ever gotta go in your wallet, as long as I got rubberband banks in my pocket.”  Well you know the rest.  When Erin Jo tells Joe Zee that she already has plans with Page Six, Joe Zee speeds away and it is then when you can see Erin trying with all of her willpower to not make a face.  So much so that she is physically using her hand to hold her face together.  Set yourself free, Erin, make the face.
• Whitney heads off to Glamour magazine to meet with some random editors to talk about her skirts that look like they’re highly flammable.  Whitney decides to style her hair in a similar fashion to a horses mane and decides to go against Kiki Cutrone’s advice about not taking Roxy along for the ride and tells the editors that she’ll be bring her “second eye” Roxy with her the next time she comes (giggity).
• What in all that is holy is going on at the Gossip Girl party?  And, more importantly, why is my new arch nemesis, Seth, in attendance?!  There are a lot of cameras flashing and a lot of high pitched screams (mostly coming from Joe Zee) and next thing you know Olivia is talking about her vintage Luca Luca (is that how you spell it?) dress and Joe Zee makes her do a spin as some other random dude does the “raise the roof” hand motion and screams “what what!”  all while Seth giggles like a school girl in heat.  You wanna know what was missing from that circle of people?  Me.  I was missing.  I would have been standing there in absolute terror and would have just blurted out, “What the hell is everyone doing?!  Are you all having seizures?!”
• Meanwhile Erin Jo is at Fishtail in the Upper West Size (xoxo Gossip Girl) to meet with the dude from Page Six.  Erin Jo talks up Alexis (Olivia Palermo Part II) as the new “Belle of Elle,” and  Olivia being a royal F-up.  The Page Six dude thinks this all makes a great story for the paper.  Really?  Note to self:  Don’t read Page Six.
• The “next day” Seth, who is inexplicably dressed like Sinead O’Connor from the “Nothing Compares 2 U” video, is chatting up with Olivia about the night before at the Gossip Girl party.  Seth can’t believe how Olivia can just go up to anyone and start talking to them and Olivia replies “I can talk to a park bench.”  Seth and Olivia laugh so hard over this comment you would have thought that Joe Zee was laying on the floor tickling their privates.  I’m sure in Olivia’s case, he was.  They should have an “under the desk cam” because I’m sure we’d see Joe Zee under there more times than not just blowing into Olivia’s “boing boing” whilst Olivia pretends to do work.  I’ll assume it would make the same sound a giant seashell does when a gust of wind hits it at the beach.  Where was I going with this?!
• Olivia must end her conversation with Seth because she has critical work to do in the “accessories closet.”  So after Seth removes his tongue from Olivia’s choochola and pats Joe Zee on the head, he heads over for sloppy seconds at Erin Jo’s desk.  He can’t seem to understand why the cast of Gossip Girl would have any interest in talking with Olivia and Erin Jo says she doesn’t care what Olivia does outside of work.  Well she should care a little.  I mean, I’m sure Olivia’s after work activities include, but are not limited to, vomiting into her gold plated toilet, hacking into Erin’s bank account and then doing side-by-side comparisons to her own bank account, kicking puppies who aren’t on a leash, walking hunched over around her apartment, and pretending she’s going to give money to the homeless people on the street and right before she drops the coins in their cup she yells “psych!” and then swallows the coins instead.  Actually, get a camera on Olivia after work because if any of those things were to happen, I’d watch.
• Seriously, so when did Joe Zee Messina start banging Olivia?  No really?  When did this start?  Joe Zee invites Olivia to yet another party.  This time he’s hosting some event at Burgerdork John Goodman and wants Olivia to wear some designers dress that I can’t even begin to remember.  So basically Olivia was promoted from Accessories Assistant to “Girl Who Uploads Videos on the Elle.com Website” and now promoted to “Official Date of Joe Zee Messina?”  Sadly, showing up for random parties seems to be the thing that Olivia is most qualified for and excels at.  Basically she’s Elle’s paid Socialite.  Works for me.
• The party at Burgerdork John Goodman looks like a real snooze.  First off, all the rusted boxes that weren’t interested in Whitney’s clothing line last season are there.  Second, there is some jazz band playing.  Third, Sammy is there.  Let’s just say that it’s the kind of party that I wouldn’t be able to raise up my arms due to excessive sweat stains, if you know what I mean.
• Quote of the Night:  When Whitney is talking to Sammy about wanting to show Joe Zee her new line she says, “…like I want the day to come where I show my stuff to Joe Zee.  Like, I bring in my rack, and I roll it right past Olivia’s desk.”  Haha awesome!  I, too, can’t wait for the day when Whitney shows Joe Zee her rack.
• The random dude from Page Six is at this party too and he chats up Olivia and Joe Zee about Erin and what Olivia does at Elle.  That’s an answer that no one but the IRS knows.  After he walks away, Joe Zee tells Olivia that he thinks the Page Six guy was “smitten” with her.  Olivia, of course, replies, “I’m amusing, what can I tell you?”  Yes.  Yes Olivia.  Yes Olivia you are amusing.  You are as amusing as a reenactment of the Holocaust during Passover.
• Whitney is putting together her skirts and accessories over at Glamour and Roxy show up late looking more like Stephanie Pratt than ever before.  Have we ever talked about this?  Why not?  She is absolutely the dark hair version of Steph Pratt.  Anypigtails, as Whitney pulls together the looks and Roxy basically makes fun of them, she may have crossed the line when she said that it looked like “hooker, but not hooker hooker…more like Britney Spears hot.”  Huh?  Was she calling Britney a hooker or not?  I’m confused, per usual.
• Back at (h)Elle, Erin Jo is doing kicks with her J Lo shoes (no joke) and I’m pretty sure that Joe Zee is wearing Olivia’s leather jacket.  I’m sure they did a swap at the sleepover last night.  Anyway, Joe Zee is pumped because Page Six mentioned Elle in their column and, more specific, they mentioned Alexis’ new role thanks to the handy work of one Ms. Erin Jo.  Olivia kind of has that “keep the puke in” look that Erin usually has while talking to Olivia.  Funny how the roles are reversed.  Oh, and Alexis looks so uncomfortable during this meeting…she’s squirming around like she’s about the have projectile diarrhea at a moments notice.  That would have made for a nice end to the scene.  Congrats Erin!  However, work like this will never get you invited to a Joe Zee slumber party.  You should focus more on walking with your head down in the hallway and giving “air kisses” to everyone you meet.  Just some free career advice.  You’re welcome.
• In the end, Kelly Cutrone meets with Whitney and Roxy to put Roxy in her place as an “assistant” and tells her she’s a freak and if she wants to be a freak she’ll pay the price.  Words of wisdom by Kiki Cutrone.  When is she getting her own t-shirt line?

Well another crapisode of The City has come and gone.  Spread the word!

Join Me on Facebook.  You’ll Hate It!

The City Recap: Fergie’s Cover of Elle AND Olivia Apparently Cloned Herself. Que Suerte!

Join Me on Facebook!  You’ll Hate it!

Another crapisode of The City hot off the press, whatever in the holy hell that means.  This week, like an episode of Laverne and Shirley, Fergie is guest starring and Whitney is still shooing the ever loving piss out of her look book.  Can’t people just go online for that?  Here’s what went down on the most recent episode of La Ciudad!

• I love when we kick things off at (h)Elle Magazine with Joe Zee Messina, Erin Jo, and Olivia all in the same room together trying to make decisions.  If this was olden days (or even “days of yore,” or “yesteryear”) I have a feeling that Olivia would be on the first catapult over the stone wall and Erin Jo would be the one cutting the rope with an axe.  Just me?  Moving on.
• Everyone, especially that one lady with the “boys regular” haircut is losing their mind over the fact that Fergie is going to be on the cover.  Joe Zee wants people to, literally, do projectile Shasta McNasty in their pants when they walk by a news stand and scream, “Oh my God is that Fergie!?”  I’m pretty sure we could reach that goal if they just refused to do any airbrushing and/or photoshop on her.  Anyway, Olivia is, for some reason, dressed like Martha Washington in this scene and may or may not be awake.
• Olivia makes this rocket science suggestion that Fergie should wear a ring that Olivia just happens to have on right then and there.  Let’s just thank Santa Christ that Olivia wasn’t holding a plate of ham sandwiches or I’m sure Fergie would have been dressed in ham.  Oh and I’m kidding about the ham sandwiches thing.  Olivia doesn’t eat.
• Erin Jo is wishing Joe Zee all the best and will see him in sunny LA, but Joe Zee keeps Olivia behind to talk to her and Joe gives Erin “the eye” that almost subtly says, “Ugh, I don’t want Olivia to not like me, even though I’m her boss, yet I’m afraid she’ll shoot the place up one day and I haven’t solidified my escape route yet.  What do I do?”  At least that’s what I think he’s trying to say.  Although his actual words tell Olivia that she needs to be consistent and that she’s not going to LA.  He says she knows why, but I don’t know why.  Maybe LA has an official ban on all things toothpicks?  It’s a real toss up.
• Meanwhile back over on the other show that’s being filmed at Pubic Rev, Whitney is literally stealing ideas from Vogue magazine for her very own look book.  See you in court, Whito.
• Kelly Cutrone, who has the kind of spring in her step that suggests midgets may be tickling her “down there,” is talking to Whitney about her going out with that random, yet “brave” war photographer.  Kelly likes the idea that he’s French and she also lets Whitney know that she can take this opportunity to learn the language and “get banged.”  Her words, not mine.  I’m classy so I probably would have said something like, “do boom boom” or “Spring clean the front lawn.”  I’m neat like that.  Whitney and Roxy Horror are in stitches over this comment and they slap each other five and that’s when I see it.  Her.  An Asian girl in the background.  Laughing.  What?  I thought The City and The Hills had a strict “whites only” policy?  I’m glad to see they’re slowing letting others into the mix.  Although, Joe Zee is of a different race…but I kind of feel like he’s on a different show.
• I’m officially pissed off.  Who the F is this Seth character and why are they showing his name like he’s a central character?  He’s Rita Wilson’s assistant, but still.  That should be my job.  I mean, sure I don’t know anything about fashion but sometimes I do wear shorts in the summer and, well, that should qualify me for something, right?  I want to be Olivia’s assistant where I would just constantly say to her throughout the day, “Are you a F’n joke?,”  “Are you F’n serious right now?” and then I would probably constantly hold a mirror up to her several times during the day and say, “Look at yourself right now.  You should be ashamed.”  I’d then put the mirror under her nose just to make sure she was breathing.  It’s hard to tell when she’s sitting at her empty desk that I’m pretty sure still has a “Welcome New Hire!” packet placed on her chair.  Phew that was a lot.
• Seth asks Olivia if she’s heading to LA and Olivia laughs like Lucille Ball just dug herself out of her grave and started doing standup in the accessories room.  Olivia lets us all know that she’s staying in the NYC office because she has many important things to do.  If this was taped in front of a live studio audience the crowd right now would be reacting to the applause sign.  What important thing does she have to do that doesn’t consist of her “hallway runway walks” and her “looking down at all times when someone is talking to her?”  I mean, besides those two things how could she even find the time to do anything else?
• Joe Zee Messina and Erin Jo land in LA and are having a little breakfast at the hotel (minus the food) and are talking about all things Olivia.  Joe Zee still thinks that Olivia can “pull some good pieces” and Erin Jo thinks it’s not enough to keep a job.  Let me help them clear this up.  I “pulled some good pieces” during the majority of my teenage years, sure it was my own piece, but still, practice makes perfect.  And you wanna know what I didn’t get out of it?  A job.  So I have to agree with Erin Jo.  Although, if Joe Zee ever fired my little Olivia I would be pissed.  You hear me?
• So, uh, Whitney is either dressed up for her date with that random photographer, Jonathan, or she’s auditioning for the role of a Solid Gold dancer.  I’m not kidding. She has what I can only assume is Christmas tinsel in her hair.  The good news, however, is that Whitney takes her first ride on a motorcycle and, to my surprise, didn’t throw herself off of it in absolute fear and panic.
• Their date kind of sucks, but mostly because this douchey-come-lately is talking about “war.”  Oh it gets better.  He’s also talking about drinking bacteria water in some random village and getting sick.  Mmm romantic.  If I were Whito, I would have said, “Well I guess then you won’t mind this” and then I would have lifted one leg and farted  on the chair.  I would have, of course, excused myself and said it was due to “bacteria water” because I, my friends, am a true gentleman.
• Sidenote, Jonathan should date Olivia.  Imagine that conversation?  I’m sure paramedics would have to be on stand-by hitting them with those electric paddles to bring them back to life every 60 seconds.  Clear!
• Well it’s time for Erin Jo and Joe Zee Messina to dress up Fergie for her photo shoot.  Fergie loves the skank outfit and dragon diamond that Olivia picked out for her and Erin Jo looks none too pleased.  If I were her I would have said, “Yeah Fergie, that diamond ring looks great.  It’ll really make your cameltoe pop.”  And then I would have lifted my shirt and pretended I was honking the horn like a truck-driver of an 18 wheeler does.  That’s just me though, perhaps the rest of you would have reacted differently.
• At the end, Erin Jo likes the cover where Fergie looks less rotted and Joe Zee likes the cover where Fergie looks airbrushed within an inch of her life.  Which cover will they choose?  We will never know.  Oh wait, no we will.  We will know.  Well, those of us with eyes will know and those of us who are blind will just have to ask someone which cover was chosen and then pray to God that person is telling the truth.  It was, it was…..soap poisoning!
• Meanwhile, like a girl who just snuck out of homeroom to go make out with her football boyfriend under the bleachers, Seth calls up Erin Jo to sassily tell her that Olivia is nowhere to be found and that he thinks she went to lunch with Alexis the new fashion director.  Oh no!  But who will run all of Olivia’s reports and update all her spreadsheets, charts, graphs, and projections while she’s gone?!  The business is sure to fail.  Oh well, I guess if someone needs a necklace they’re just going to have to literally pick it up from the pile of necklaces themselves.  What a world.  The unemployment rate is still at like 9.9%.  Just sayin’.
• Oh God.  Either Olivia is having lunch with her cloned self or that really is Alexis Bryan Morgan, the new Fashion Director.  Regardless I’m sure this lunch will consist of picking at lettuce with a fork while never letting it enter your mouth and sleepy smiles.  What do ya know?  I’m right!
• Honestly this lunch is soooo bad it’s actually good.  Not only do these two schmucks kind of look like each other, but they’re dressed like each other, are sitting the same way as each other and have the same lifeless monotone voice as each other.  If  Joe Zee wants to fire Olivia can he just hire Alexis instead?  Fair swap, I think.  And they sound like those two SNL characters that do “Delicious Dish.”  You know, the radio hosts (Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer) that just keep saying, “good times, yeah, good times.”  Brilliant.
• Alexis asks Olivia how it is working with Erin, to which Olivia replies, “It’s good. She does what she does and I do what I do.”  That’s code for, “She works and I don’t.”  We’re all clear on that right?  I was waiting for her to end it with a good old fashion Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”
• On the ride home from the Fergie shoot, Erin Jo and Joe Zee are, once again, talking about Olivia.  Joe Zee still thinks Olivia is a gift sent from Jesus Claus and Erin…well…Erin….not so much.  I’m pretty sure if this show was on HBO or Showtime, Erin would be telling Joe Zee to go F his mother and then she’d hit him in the head with a shovel and toss him into the trunk of the black Lincoln that they’re driving.  However, since this is just MTV, Erin Jo says that “Olivia did a great job” but she looks like her teeth are about to shatter into a million little pieces as she says it.  The one thing, I have to say, missing from this entire episode is Erin’s facial expressions.  I mean, if they’re going to edit them out I’m not watching.  However, nevertheless, therefore, and so on, since I want to elevate my loser status I made sure to make the facial expressions whilst Joe was saying all of this.  I think I’m getting pretty good at it too.
• Is Whitney still on this show?  Oh there she is.  She’s having Frenchy shoot her look book crap, I think, and decides to tell him she doesn’t have time to date right now.  He looks saddened by this.  Perhaps a little war photography will cheer him up!
• In the end, it’s the big unveiling of the new cover of Elle magazine.  Which Fergie will stain the cover?  Trashy Fergie or Classy Fergie?  Seth seems to be on team Olivia and wishes her good luck.  I would have assumed he was just trying get on her good side to, you know, bang her and junk, but I have a feeling that’s not his angle.  Also, is Olivia wearing army fatigues?  I hope she’s getting shipped off to war!  Maybe Jonathan can shoot her?  You know, either with his camera just good old fashion bullets.
• Drum roll please………and the Elle cover is…….Erin Jo’s cover of Fergie looking classy(ish).  Congrats!  I would say Olivia looks displeased but, let’s face it, I’m sure she has no idea what’s going on, what this meeting is about, what the cover means, and even where she is for that matter.  Erin is smiling from ear to ear and Seth give her a “good job” mouthing.  Looks like Seth may have won himself a free motorboating with Erin but, again, doubtful.  And for some reason as Olivia leaves the boardroom and Erin is smiling they start playing “Sweet Dreams are Made of These” by the Eurythmics.  I’m not entirely sure why, but it was a good choice.  Also, I suck.

Things I liked in this crapisode:  Olivia and her clone having a snoozefest lunch, Erin Jo getting the cover, Whitney on a motorcycle, and Kelly Cutrone telling Whitney it’s good to get banged.

Things I didn’t like in this crapisode:  Not enough facial expressions from Erin Jo, Joe Zee Messina talking a regular pace,  Seth taking my job as reality show assistant.

I’d also like to take a second to say hello to all the folks (the 2 of you) at Elle who I hear may or may not be reading the craptastic recraps.  Spread the word…and, possibly, other things too.  You’ll know what I mean.

Join Me on Facebook!  You’ll Hate it!

The City Recap: “You Know Where Nice People End Up? On Welfare.” ~ Kelly Cutrone

Join Me on Facebook.  What Fun!

• Sammy Gap Tooth (SGT) has invited Whitney and Roxy Horror out for a fancy-pants breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner.  I’m not really sure what meal it is as Roxy Horror is complaining that she wants coffee and breakfast and Whitney is whining that she wants a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Remember when you had to have a talent of be interesting to be on television?  Now, apparently, you just need to be able to read menu items and you get your own show.  Keep bombing us, terrorists.  I get it now.
• Olivia, wearing what I can only assume is a magicians cape, is meeting with one of the Elle directors to inform them that she wants to feature her friends business on Elle.com.  Her friend has a line of precious stones and, to be honest, I have no idea what that means but both Olivia and the director squeal with delight like pigs who just escaped the slaughter house.  Are precious stones only found in the remote depths of the rain-forest?  No idea.  Don’t wanna know, don’t care.  Fine, I’ll look it up.
• Meanwhile, we’re following along with Whitney as she gets her fashion line shot by some random photographer named Jonathan.  There’s a few crucial things you need to know in this scene.  (1) Whitney is wearing those horrific leggings that she made her sweatshop sewer, Michelle, make for her while she poured hot water on her and poked her with toothpicks in a previous episode.  (2) There are random models modeling Whitney’s clothes, which made me think of whatever happened to Sleepy Time Allie from season one.  Remember her?  Moment of silence.
• When Erin Jo Buttafucco introduced Jonathan, the photographer, to Whitney he looks like he’s ready to commit “the rape” right then and there in front of everyone and on camera.  I don’t want to say he’s a Level Three, so I won’t.  Level Two perhaps.  Maybe Level One.  Which one is it where you don’t have to introduce yourself to your neighbors by law?
• Here she comes to save the day!  Kelly Cutrone is on the way.  On the sea or on the land. She’s got the situation well in hand!  Kiki Cutrone stops on by the photoshoot to (1) save the show and (2) make me the happiest blogger this side of the Mississippi.
• We learn that Jonathan has shot for Elle before, but he’s really a war photographer.  Sweet.  Uh, I know we’ve been in a recession and junk and jobs are hard to come by but, um, does he know that there’s still a war going on that he can shoot?  Yeah, there totally is.  Is it still called the Gulf War?  I have no idea, I’m not good with math.  So maybe he should take advantage of this war and shoot it because I’m sure we’ll be done with this war by 2029 so, well, time is ticking.  Whitney on the other hand is so impressed with this photographer because she calls him “brave.”  That’s right Whitney, he’s the real hero.  I’m the brave one for watching this crap and then writing about it.  Where’s my Purple Heart because all I have is this here black one.  Hey-oh!
• Anycrap, Olivia decides not to go interview Whitney for the website and Erin Jo has to tell Whito and Kiki Cutrone that Olivia doesn’t want to support Whitney’s line.  This sets Kelly off.  Besides yelling, “Who gives a f*ck about Olivia’s opinion?!” she then says, “I’m going to come up like a shark underneath a glass bottom boat and whip the sh*t out of her.”  Ok I totally get it, but do sharks come up from under glass bottom boats with a whip in their hand to assault the people on the boat?  I always assumed they used their 15 rows of teeth to bite the people on the boat.  Now in all fairness I haven’t been on a boat in a while and I’m sure sharks have really evolved over the years so I’m sure Kelly is right.  Now I have images of Kelly Cutrone snorkeling with a whip in her hand looking for girls in the water who have their period and just start whipping them.
• The “next day” Olivia and Erin Jo are having one of their famous “Cubical Sass-Off’s.”  This consists of Erin Jo asking Olivia why she bailed on Whitney’s dumb photoshoot and Olivia telling Erin Jo that it’s none of her business and that she’s not going to discuss it further.  Here’s the thing, Olivia, you’re on a television show and we’re going to need to hear you speak.  So use your words, please, because we can only watch so much of you walking up the hallway with your head bobbing up and down while you look down at the ground.  I mean, it is riveting, but we’re no longer in the days of Charlie Chaplin.  Movies and television now have sound.  I believe you’re technically in what they call a “talkie.”  So start talkie-ing.
• Roxy Horror is going out with that random dude, Zach, from the last episode.  Yawn.  Next.
• The next day (again) at Elle, Joe Zee Messina is caught up in a sassy huff while he pretty much yells at Olivia for not showing up for Whitney.  You know he’s made because he starts speaking upwards of 210 mph and his hands are flailing all over the place.  At one point I just assumed he was directing traffic in the middle of Times Square.  Anycrap, Joe Zee tells Olivia to invite Whitney to lunch and smooth things over, unless she doesn’t want to work there any more.  Oh no you didn’t.  Oh yes you did.  I looked down at my DVR and I’m pretty certain I saw it do a “z snap” after Joe was finished with his rant.
• I love this.  We get to watch the rough edit of Olivia’s video from when she interviewed that annoying girl with the precious stones.  It’s awesome.  Olivia is stuttering and making no sense at all.  Erin Jo is watching this and she looks like she’s witnessed a puppy getting killed, gutted, stuffed with 1,000 bags of cocaine, and then carried like a purse onto a plane going from Columbia to NYC on a non-stop flight where the movie is “Made in Manhattan.”  Just sayin’.  In cased you’re confused, Erin Jo looked horrified.  Therefore, she decides to tell the editor to stop editing this crap and that they’re not putting it on the site.  Sweeeeeeeet.
• Meanwhile, Roxy Horror is telling Whitney to put Olivia in her place for not showing up to her fashion line shoot.  This is when Kelly Cutrone comes in and gives Whitney some great advice.  She tells her to “take this b*tch out.”  Awesome.  She also tells Whitney to let this toxic b*tch know that she will fight back.  However, probably one of the best Kelly Cutrone quotes that has ever been said takes place now.  In regards to Whitney being too nice Kelly says, “You know where nice people end up?  On welfare.”  Seriously, they should have ended the show right then and there.  Fade to black and call it a day.
• In the end Whitney does meet Olivia for an awkward lunch where Whitney wants to talk about what happened and Olivia is brushing it off.  To my surprise Whitney won’t let her off the hook and tells her that her excuses don’t mean anything to her.  Olivia does her typical “I’m not engaging in this conversation right now” and Whitney tells her that she looks like a bitch.  This is where Olivia gets up and leaves (probably edited) and Whitney calls her a coward.  With her hair she kinda does look like the Cowardly Lion, so, good call Whitney!

I have such a hard time figuring out what is fake in this show and what is real.  Here’s what I think is real:  Kelly Cutrone and Erin Jo.  Fake: Roxy and her date.  Real: Whitney has a clothing line.  Fake: Olivia really having any responsibility at Elle.  Real: Erin does work there and hates Olivia.

Well, that concludes another crapisode of The City.  It’s like we’re all a part of history.

Join Me on Facebook.  What Fun!