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The City Season Finale Recap: Olivia’s Little Face is HUGE in Japan. Not Literally Though. Relax Olivia. Put the Toothbrush Down.
Goooooooooooooonnnnggg! This week, boys and girls, The City is visiting Japan! That’s left of Poland, I believe, for those of you following along in Canada. Get ready for me to make as many ignorant jokes as my fingers will type!
- Whitney is ready to sell her lead-laced rags to anyone who will buy them so she informs Kelly Cutrone that she’s basically having sex with some other chick from another PR agency. Well she didn’t go that far, but she might as well. This PR chick, according to Cutrone, wears pink all the time so that’s basically like a slap in the mask to Kiki. As we all know Kelly only wears black, pisses black, and sh*ts black. What we also know is that there are a few pinks parts to Kelly These pink parts are as follows: Her tongue (when she’s extra healthy), her poopy boom boom circle, and her indoor vaginastein. Allegedly. It’s the last recap of the season, folks, and I’m setting the bar real low.
- There’s a big fashion shoot with Snap-Cracklina Kornstovetop and all our friends at ELLE are there to giving a helping hand. This includes wide-mouth Louise and then someone we’ve never referenced before.
- Louise is going to interview Snap-Cracklina Kornstovetop because Olivia is in Japan (goooooooonnnnnnggggg!) frightening small children.
- Sweet! We’re in Japan, although I think we’re still really in NYC on the set of The City. Olivia is walking around like God-damn Godzilla. At one point I think she picked up a little Japanese lady on her bike and wore her as a necklace. I just hit rewind. She did.
- Olivia-san is at the Elle office in Japan, which I always assumed would be decorated with freshly killed chickens hanging from the ceiling but I guess I’m really learning here.
- Ha this is great! Olivia meets with the Japanese Director of Public Relations who is, let’s face it, Erin Jo with a black wig on and tape on her eyes. You’re not fooling anyone Erin Jo. Or should I say Wehwin Jo? Gooong!
- Next up, Olivia stops in to meet the Editor-in-Chief who is, and we all know it, Joe Zee with a Joyce DeWitt wig on. He’ll stop at nothing to be around Olivia. Let me tell you something. Olivia is f’ing huge in Japan. These people friggin love her. No joke, I think the Editor-in-Chief is giving herself a happy ending under her desk all whilst she giggles over Olivia. She then lets Olivia know that she’d like to have her on stage at the party tonight so they can interview her and find out her “special secret.” Yeah, let me save you the trouble. She looks like that because she’s malnourished. Her secret is an Oral B toothbrush and low self esteem. Goooong!
- Meanwhile back in NYC, Roxy Horror is walking with Zach and talking about the issues with Whitney and….boring. Next. I mean, Gonnnng!
- Seriously this episode is crazy overload for me! Now we’re at Alison Brod PR because Whitney has a meeting with her. This chick is nuuuutts! I love it. I love when grown women have an obsession over a color and then make that color every part of their life. She’s wearing pink and looks like she just finished having sex with two sets of siamese twins about 5 minutes before the MTV cameras arrived. She kinda has that Paula Abdul crazy eyes thing going on that makes me think that’s not “kids candy” in those jars all over her office.
- Anypeep, Allison wants to help Whitney sell her flammable clothes to anyone and everyone that will buy them. She wants her to have 15 fashion shoots in 16 seconds and be in the Hamptons tomorrow. I have no clue if that’s what she said at all I just couldn’t take my eyes off the crazy. In the end, Whitney will have to let her know her scripted decision whenever the new script arrives and tells her what to say.
- Seth. I swear to God. Which lever do I pull to drop an anvil?
- Seth is chatting up Erin Jo about Olivia and being overly lame with the “Olivia in Japan” jokes. Erin Jo does toss in a good one about Olivia in America is like Lost in Translation. I mean I never saw the movie, but I assume Erin Jo was killin’ it. Seth is like, “ohhh Olivia should stay in Japan.” You know what? You go to Japan. YOU go. And stop trying to steal Erin Jo from me. Now if I was in the scene I would have said something charming like, “Imagine what Olivia must look like in Japan? I mean, she pukes up bigger things after she binges than the people who are standing next to her right now.” Good, right? I would have then looked at the producer and said, “We locking that in editing?” See how that works Seth? Contact me before next season and I’ll just start writing some lines for you.
- Honestly, Japan can’t get enough of Olivia. She’s at the Tibi event and I can’t tell if those are shoulder buttons on her shirt or if her collar bone is cutting through the material. They’re interviewing her and all the little Japanese girls are giggling like, well, school girls on everything that Olivia says. I am in awe. It gets better though. Once they start taking pictures with Olivia they’re all commenting on how small her face is. One chick is like, “I don’t want to stand next to you because your face is so small and mine looks so big.” You know your alleged eating disorder is taking over when the Japanese think you are small and have small features.
- Uh oh. Whitney is in trouble with Kelly Cutrone. Apparently that sperm-dumpster (I classed it up), Allison Brod, is spreading rumors around town that Whitney fired Cutrone and hired Brod….and Kelly is pissed! Kiko yells, a bit, at Whitney for having to defend her agency over “a lady who wears pink.” Whitney is all stutters and apologies and Kiko wants no part of it. I mean, the editing machine was smoking and sparking to get this scene together, but it was still fun to watch….like a little kid stealing candy from the corner store and then getting caught. You kind of stare and then snicker to yourself. Then you get into your car and drive home. Then you realize that little kid also stole your wallet and used the candy as a diversion. Damn kids. So, yeah, kind of like that.
- It’s “Meeting Day” at Elle to find out who’s going to be the next Elle Girl. All the major players are there; marketing coordinator - Seth, girl who filmed two online interviews – Louise, the girl who works at Elle only when the cameras are up – Olivia, and Erin. Yup, I think a lot of high powered decisions are going to be made at this meeting.
- Joe Zee enters the room like the king and lets everyone know what a great job Olivia did in Japan and…wait for it….wait for it….she is new Elle Girl! Again, the editing machine is shaking and sh*tting over this scene as Seth laughs and covers his eyes, Erin Jo rolls her eyes (per usual), and Olivia looks right over to Erin Jo for reaction. When Joe Zee Messina lets Olivia know that she will now be working even closer with Erin Jo, Olivia looks at Erin and says, “Erin, are you ok with that?” The look on Erin’s face is priceless. I kind of wish, though, that Erin flipped the entire conference table over and screamed, “Not in my house, B*TCH!” and then went after her in choking motion. Eh, that’s just how I would have handled it though.
- As a sidenote, Seth is totally getting fired. As they’re all walking out of the meeting he says to Erin, “If you weren’t thinking of leaving before, you are now” and Joe Zee is right behind him with a look of hate and “kill” in his eyes. Someone please let me know when his role opens up. I’ll be updating my resume. The only real fashion experience I have revolves around skid-marks in my underwear. Although I do hear that’s all the rage this Fall in Milan. Call me!
- In the scripted end, Whitney and Roxy Horror meet up so Whitney can fill her in on the meeting with Allison Brod. Roxy tells Whitney not to forgot all that Kelly helped her with and if she does decide to sign with Allison that things with her and Kelly will change forever. Boring. Although bonus points for when Roxy was walking away it looked like she was literally taking a crap in her dress. So, good for her with that.
Well folks another season down the sh*tter. Thanks for coming along each week to recap all the craziness and having a laugh or two. I’d also like to thank the few folks at ELLE who read this crap and take it all with a grain of salt. It was hard to tee off on all of you once I knew you were reading, but I dug deep down in my blackened heart and found the will to stay true to myself no matter who was reading. We’re all douche bags and are in this together. Although I’m not a douche bag. No I’m not. Fine, a little. Ok, a lot.
This week we’re starting with the recap of The City instead of The Hills because I thought it was time to change things up. I’m kidding, my Tivo didn’t tape The Hills for some reason and I. Am. Pissed. I yelled at my Tivo and, well, said a lot of things I didn’t mean. I feel terrible and my Tivo is going to have to explain a black-eye to the other Tivo’s during lunch tomorrow. I told my Tivo to just say it tripped and fell into a doorknob, but we have used that one many times before so it might be time to get a bit more creative. Anydvr, The Hills recap will be back tomorrow so, in the meantime, enjoy what went down last night on The City:
- In our first fake storyline of the season, Roxy Horror and Sammi Gap Tooth are apartment hunting in sunny New York City. Sammi thinks that Roxy needs to take the first real step in making her own life and apparently a 1 bedroom, $4,000/month furnished apartment will do just that! The real estate agent, whom I’ve nicknamed La Cucaracha, looks like someone pissed all over her hair and shot her in the face with a makeup gun. That alone is worth the $2500 “finders fee” and, well, I’m willing to pay that on Roxy’s behalf.
- Erin Jo is with Kate, the Director of Accessories from (h)ELLE(o) magazine looking at, you guessed it….accessories. I’m shocked to learn that an accessories editor does exist. It makes sense though. I mean, you definitely need an expert out there saying things like, “wear earings” and “here’s a bracelet.”
- Whitney is chattinK with Erin Jo and Kate, the Sandra Dee of our generation, about their upcoming shoot with Ashley Greene for ELLE(a Fitzgerald) and Erin Jo comes up with a genius idea that they’ll need a black dress for the shoot and asks Whitney if she has any black flammable clothes they may be able to use. Whitney almost pisses herself with excitement and explains that this year she has a lot of black dresses because she finally realized that everyone wears black and black goes with everything. Oh Whitney, you really are a prodigy. I am scared, however, that it took her two fashion lines to figure out something that my 3 year old niece has known since she was 2. But I digress. I also digest.
- Roxy Horror is having lunch with her dad Ken Olin (a writer and cast member of ABC’s “Brothers and Sisters”), surely he’ll be able to spot Roxy the money for her $4,000 “starter” apartment. Oh, that was quick. No, no he won’t. Although Ken does sweeten (not Jodi) the deal by allowing her to come home and live in his mansion and walk his dogs. Roxy turns that down and I am busy trying to get Ken’s contact information so that I can accept that offer. My only stipulation is that I don’t like dogs so I’m only willing to drag the dogs, not walk them, and I must wear a hazmat suit the entire time. I’ll let you know what he says.
- It’s the day of the Ashely Green shoot and Joe Zee is all ” a buzz” around the clothing options that Ashely might be able to wear. There are things on the rack (giggty) from Versace, Dolce and, of course, Whitney Eve. I’m sure they’re only using Whitney Eve clothes as a “floor protector” in case one of the Versace pieces falls off the rack.
- Joe Zee Messina asks Olivia, who’s dressed to be deployed to Iraq (fingers crossed), if they can work in some of Whitney’s clothes into the shoot and Olivia musters up enough energy to say that they have other priorities first. Erin Jo gives Joe Zee a look and half smirk that says, “Who knew Olivia he knew what the word ‘priority’ meant?!” Joe Zee leaves the shoot and Olivia’s twin takes Whitney’s black rags and places them with the other clothes letting Olivia know that Joe Zee really likes it and that Olivia should try to add accessories to it and use it for the shoot. Olivia responds by saying, “there’s only so much we can do.” I’m sure she just stole that from the producers and editors when she overheard them talking about her.
- Over at Pubic Rev, Kelly Cutrone comes to save the day and spread happiness, sunshine, and piss all over the office. Like an episode of The Brady Bunch, Whitney and Roxy are basically giving each other the silent treatment. Personally, I think Whitney just ran out of words she knows, but apparently she’s still mad at Roxy. Kelly tells them both that they need to get over it and that she’s not a therapist and doesn’t really care. There’s a charity event that Whitney is going to she decides to bring Sammi instead of Roxy Horror. Kelly rolls her eyes and I’m pretty sure, when she did this, I saw snakes goes by. I just had to rewind it on my Tivo and yes, in fact, I did see snakes. Odd, yet not so.
- Seriously is Joe Zee Messina make a commission off every person he gets to wear Whitney Eve? Is he making commission right now because I’m talking about it? Joe Zee, with gun in hand, makes Ashely Greene put on Whitney’s jacket that looks like it came off an extra on the set of Dynasty (yes I’m that old so go F yourself). I can almost see the rash forming on Ashley’s arms. Olivia is now tasked with interviewing Ashley and she asks her some real doozies! Questions like, “Hi, how are you?” and “You’re in Twilight? Tell me about it.” By the end of the interview Joe Zee has to instruct Olivia to ask Ashley about what she’s wearing so she says, “I love your shoes.” Ashley tells us all who made her shoes, her skirt, her vaginastein, and that the slaves chained to the sewing machine in Whitney’s sweatshop made the jacket. Of course Olivia replies, “Well I love your shoes and skirt.” Oh snap. Rhythm is a dancers and Whitney just got zinged by The Can of Olives. When she says this Joe Zee looks at Erin Jo like he heard someone tell him to stop wearing his black suit/white shirt/black skinny tie uniform.
- It’s time for the charity event that is named “Tulips and Pansies” which I’m pretty sure if subliminal messaging for “Vagina’s and Taint.” I just checked and, well, I was right. This is a charity I can get behind. Hey-oh!
- Whitney is wearing a bed-spread from a Boca Raton Howard Johnson’s (w/ diner) and she’s bitching about Roxy wanting to move out of the 1 bedroom apartment. Whito goes to sit with Kiko Cutrone and Roxy shows up and sits right beside Whitney. They watch about 10 people walk the runway with about 300 pounds of flowers on their heads and then they have at it. Marsha and Jan start fighting about Jan looking at other apartments and suddenly Alice reprimands them for fighting during a charity event. Marsha storms out of the fashion show because she can’t fight with Jan anymore and also probably a little because her dress is starting to itch….like, a lot.
- Wait a second, this scene just took a complete left turn. Olivia just told Joe Zee that she wants to go to Japan and do some “stories” for Elle(m, n, o, p). Joe Zee says if Olivia can justify going than he’ll think about it so Olivia says that she wants to do a segment where she asks people on the streets of Japan what they’re wearing and then she also wants to go to the Elle(ctrictuion) offices in Japan to meet them too. Apparently this is enough for Joe Zee to “buy in” because he thinks that Olivia raises some valid points and so he’s going to talk to Rita Wilson about this. Seriously, what? Somewhere at a Benihana, Erin Jo is sharpening her knife and squealing with delight. Also, I have no idea.
- Sidenote, I hope they turn Olivia into Japanimation for next season.
- Ugh. I have three words for you. Seth.
- Seth is basically wrapping up episodes now? Is that right? I’m so sick of him trying to steal Erin Jo from me on the regular. He’s mocking her for drinking coffee out of a straw and can’t understand why. What a real maroon. Erin Jo explains that if you don’t drink coffee out of a straw it messes up your teeth. Duh, Seth! That’s “White Teeth 101.” Everyone knows that. I am loving how Erin is into teeth because, well, for those of you that know me personally you know that I legit have abnormally blindingly white teeth. Try to keep up Seth, will ya?
- Erin Jo and Seth are chit-chatting with their coffees walking through Times Square like they’re re-creating scenes of Felicity and Seth comes up with the brilliant idea that if they can get Olivia to go to Japan for the short-term, maybe they can get her out of Elle(o) for the long-term. Yeah, that’s called “terrorism” Seth. Stop trying to terrorize the poor girl. You know what? This is New York and they have this subtle little motto called, “If You See Something, Say Something.” You know what Seth? I just saw something in you and, well, I’m going to say something. I’m calling the NYPD as I type this so you better start packing up your desk and deleting the porn from your computer because you’re going to be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay before the week is up. Bon Voyage, prick.
- In the end, Roxy Horror is dramatically packing up her stuff and Whitney is surprised….or maybe she just looks like that? So for someone who’s been “living” there for 2 seasons Roxy only has 1 suitcase and 1 carry-on bag. Odd. I bet she’s a terrorist too. You know, like one of those “sleeper cell” terrorists? Who knew The City was a breeding ground for them?!
- Roxy hops (not literally) in a cab and Whitney looks out the window as she leaves…very reminiscent of when Heidi Montag moved out of Lauren Conrad’s apartment on The Hills. If this means that fast-forward 3 seasons and Roxy gets enough plastic surgery to pass for another human being well then I’m all for it.
Enjoy the latest on what went down on The City. Spread the word!
- Uh, what happened to Joe Zee? Who’s this new guy who looks like Joe Zee, but isn’t wearing the required black suit/white shirt/black skinny tie uniform that we’re use to seeing? If he’s going to all of a sudden switch up his attire they’re going to need to keep his name captioned for the duration of his scene, thank you and also, thank you.
- Erin Jo, who has apparently dug up the body of Michael Jackson and stole his jacket, is all pumped to the nines because she booked Elle to be on Martha Stewart. I thought Martha Stewart was still in prison, no? Ugh, I guess I’m behind the times. Someone get me an atlas so I can figure this out. Anyshamore (eeeee heeee!), it’s Olivia’s “job” to make sure she finds some up-and-coming designer so she can blow feathers all over Martha. I have no idea. All I know is that Joe Zee is basically begging Olivia to write down what he’s instructing her to do, but she won’t. Everyone looks frustrated, but I think Olivia really has never used a pen before. She basically licks the paper and is like, “Is this writing?” Seriously, Helen Keller could have followed these directions better than Olivia. As a sidenote, Helen Keller was also a snappier dresser than Olivia and could also play the spoons. Some of that may be fact and some of it may be non-fiction. Oh wait.
- Why in the holy hell are they playing “Staying Alive” during the scene that leads up to Whitney and Roxy Horror at Pubic Rev? Ugh, they must be out of money. Next week I’m sure they’ll be using the “Cannon in D” midi ringtone from my 2002 Motorola.
- So some chick singer from Canada (I assume Anne Murray) is playing a gig in NYC and because this singer got robbed Kelly Cutrone is hoping to push Whitney’s clothing line on this poor girl. It’s like, “Sorry you’ve been robbed. Here’s some highly flammable clothes. Don’t sweat in them or you’ll go up in flames.” And what does she mean “They were robbed?” Robbed how? Like on Oregon Trail when a thief would come in the middle of the night to steal your sh*t from your covered wagon? Like that? Be specific. Unless you spell it out for me I’m not going to be able to follow it. Oh, and Roxy Horror is in charge or forcing Anne Murray to wear this crap on stage. Yawn. Oh, and burp.
- Meanwhile, Joe Zee Messina and Olivia (+ toothpick legs) head over to see that random designer who they may use on Martha Stewart. I can’t understand a word this guy is saying. I mean, they do sub-titles for Kiki Cutrone at times, but for this guy they’re just going to wing it. Makes sense. I’m pretty sure he’s describing one of his outfits by saying he glued glass and plastic all over it. The model looks like she needs a tetanus shot after doing her walk. Olivia starts taking pictures of these terrible outfits. Bonus points for Olivia since she didn’t use the camera backwards and take a close up picture of her face. Who knew? Finally Olivia chooses her favorite outfit which is Smurf blue pants. She says she loves the “menswear” look for women. It’s her “favorite of all time.” Why doesn’t she just admit she’s sporting a ding-ding and save us all a lot of time?
- Back over at Pubic Rev, that Canadian singer who I assumed was Anne Murray shows up with her manager. Her name is Lights. I said, her name is Lights. Lights. Kill me. Is she “the Demi Lovato” that all the kids are wild about? I can’t keep up. All I know is that she looks like she leaves a ring around the bathtub and stinks like the basement of a church. In other words, she could be a Lohan.
- Roxy Horror is trying to force feed “Lights” the clothes from Whitney Eve but “Lights” wants no part of it. I wonder why? Why doesn’t “Lights” want to dress the same way Claire Huxtable goes to bed? That’s odd. What is she thinkinK? In the end, “Lights” chooses one of Whitney’s jackets to wear. Is she going to give the jacket back after…..with all her hair grease all over it?
- It’s the night of “Lights’” concert and I’m already embarrassed for everyone and myself. She’s wearing Whitney’s jacket, which is nice to see! Oh wait. That was fast. The jacket has not only been taken off, but thrown on the ground as well. Either that or the jacket tried to jump from her dirty body in order to save itself. Whitney is piiiiiiised. I love how the cameraman keeps taking a close up shot of the jacket on the ground like it’s a dead body. Seriously, take a Shasta McNasty on it, light it on fire, and call it a day.
- Somewhere across town where “the rich” live, Olivia and her boyfriend, Joe Zee, are at some event where Joe Zee just compliments Olivia every 2.5 seconds. I love love love how he totally sweats Olivia. He could care less that my 3 year old niece can do Olivia’s job (she can use a pen and a camera and Olivia can fit into a 3T), he just loves him some Olivia. I bet they have sleepovers. Olivia wears a pants-suit to bed and Joe Zee, of course, is in his black suit. They braid each others hair, freeze Olivia’s bra undershirt when she falls asleep, and bust out the Ouija Board to contact Sleepy Time Allie, Jay (Ozzy Bobby), Adam, and other old dead cast members from season one.
- When some random 10′ tall designer comes up to Olivia my first thought is, “Roz from Night Court became a designer? Good for her.” Joe Zee raves how Olivia saved the day earlier when they went to visit that random designer and Roz asks Olivia what she did there. Olivia says, “You know….took pictures…..looked at the Fall and Spring collection.” Wow, someone is a real go-getter! You mean to tell me she took pictures AND used her eyes to look at things? 4 years of college were well worth it! Elle today and maybe the first woman on Mars tomorrow! I’m kidding. Uranus. Giggity.
- Back at the “Lights” concert, Whitney is all in a huff that her beloved jacket is on the ground so she decided to leave the “show.” I’m surprised she left before they held a memorial for the jacket. She finds Roxy Horror and yells at her for not following through and making “Lights” wear her rags. Roxy Horror has a point. She can’t force her to wear stuff that she doesn’t want to. Also, why do I care? Whitney tosses in a threat that she has to answer to Kelly as well and Roxy storms away never to be seen or heard from again. Wait no, she’ll be seen and heard from again.
- It’s the big Martha Stewart show taping! I’m trying to pretend I’m excited by using an exclamation mark. Didn’t work.
- Oh. Hi Seth. Oh, Seth? Go f*ck yourself.
- Why is Seth everywhere and I’m not anywhere?
- Erin Jo is all a flutter and doing the job of 10 people. She’s like a the crazy Jamaican on the beach who braids your hair, carves you a wooden duck, and then takes you para-sailing. I thought she was in PR, but she’s also giving makeup tips and giving the models instructions. I laughed when she told the “glam girl” to smile because she looked depressed. Good form.
- What are you smiling at, Seth?
- Rita Wilson is totally sucking up to Martha Stewart when right before they “go live” she tells Martha that she’s pretty. Martha, who’s fishing for compliments, pretends she didn’t hear her so Rita Wilson has to say it again. Also, we know that Rita Wilson is lying because when she says it she immediately itches the back of her head. Jennifer Aniston used to do this when being interviewed about who she was dating. Oh, also, I need to stop watching Inside Edition.
- The segment goes off without a hitch and Erin Jo lets Rita Wilson, her boss, know how proud she is of her…her boss….Rita Wilson…Erin…proud of Rita. Awkward.
- Why does everyone seem to care about the Martha Stewart show? Is ELLE’s demographic 62 year old retirees from Georgia? Maybe it is. Maybe. It. Is.
- Roxy Horror and Whitney are at Whitney’s 1 bedroom apartment where Roxy also lives (oww owwww!) and they’re still fighting about that nasty jacket being thrown on the ground. Seriously, you would think this jacket was on its way to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC the way they’re talking about it. Whitney feels that Roxy Horror is constantly disappointing her and it’s put a strain on their contractually obligated friendship. Therefore, Roxy Horror decides she’s going to move out. If I were Whitney I would have said, “Oh you want to move out? Oh. Ok. Why don’t I give you the addresses where my old friends Allie, Jay, and Adam live now. Oh wait…the dumpster.”
- In the end we end where we started. No, not in hell. At ELLE. Joe Zee and Olivia are chatting (per usual) about how wonderful Olivia is and then Joe Zee congratulated Erin Jo on a job well done at the Martha Stewart Show. Olivia also lets Erin Jo know that she did a good job. Really? That’s about as meaningful as the person who says “thank you” when you hold the door for them when they’re 10 steps away from it. Erin Jo is giving great face at everything that Olivia is saying to her. A face that almost says, “B*tch, I’ll cut your tongue out and stick it against the window like a Garfield rear window decal.” Yeah, like that kind of face. Erin Jo has had enough (or has to do #2) and gets up and leaves her “work station” while Olivia just sits back and eyes her computer and is probably thinking, “Now I know this ‘talk box’ is supposed to do something.”
- Oh, and F you Seth.
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- Starting the show with Kelly Cutrone on “10″ just makes sense to me. Whitney is, once again, getting ready to sell her flammable clothes to anyone who will buy them like a hooker trying to make rent on the 30th of the month. This time, Whito will be at the Javits Center in NYC along with thousands of others in a little booth showing her collection to buyers as they pass by. I’m picturing it like a “shoot the duck” booth at your local carnival.
- Kelly is prepping Whitney for what the buyers are going to be saying to her. She’s talking at Joe Zee speeds and saying that the buyers are going to want her shirt, but in a different color to go with these pants, but in a different color, and at a discounted price, and will need them shipped out tomorrow. Yowza! Kelly tells Whitney that she needs to learn how to say no during this process. Seriously, Whitney looks so freaked out by this. She should just blow her rape whistle if things get too out of control.
- Watching Olivia walking up the street is like a dream come true. The camera actually pans up whilst she’s walking and her legs, no joke, look like black strings coming out of her skirt. What’s odd, is that it almost looks like she has a J Lo butt. Hmm, I must research.
- Anysticks, Olivia and some diggity-douche from ELLE head over to a “clothing store” because they’re going to have to dress Ke$ha for an upcoming photo shoot. Blaargh. First off, this “store” looks like you need a tetanus shot as soon as you leave. Second, the manager, Jimmy, looks like Cort…that dude that LuAnn was dating on Real Housewives of New York. Awesome.
- The look they’re going for is “trash punk.” Interesting. I thought it was called “homeless chic” but that’s just me. Perhaps you all call it something else. Seriously, this dude Jimmy is possibly on a meth binge. He keeps pulling out props from behind the register like he’s Carrot-Top and laughing his arse off. I love the meth giggles. Does that even exist?
- Olivia now is tasked with having to try on these black leather combat bullet boots because she’s the same size as Ke$ha. I’m pretty sure Olivia will be cutting her foot off once she leaves the store. I’ll assume that as she was trying on this boot she was on her iPhone Googling, “Buy wooden legs in New York City.” She won’t even walk in the one boot she tried on. She just stands there. Obviously I’m not the only one who thinks this is odd because two of the girls who work at the tetanus outlet are also whispering to each other that “she won’t even walk in the shoes. Who doesn’t walk in shoes?” This made me laugh. Who knew Bombshell McGee and 2002 Ashlee Simpson was so funny?
- Whitney is freaking out at the Javits Center because she doesn’t know how to set herself apart from the 1500 other designers who have booths there too. I know! I know! Pick me! Pick me! I believe the answer you are looking for is, “spread eagle.” That’ll get some attention. Perhaps place the price tag in your chooch. I like to call it “thinking outside the box.” Literally.
- Back at ELLE(cution) some Barbie doll basically hates all the crap that Olivia pulled. Olivia says she’s waiting on these shoes and knows “they’re exactly what they’re looking for.” This really is a job that someone has, isn’t it? Umph. Meanwhile my arch nemesis, Seth, just happens to bust into the scene because he needs some help with pulling some looks for something. Perhaps his doll collection. Regardless, Seth is trying to be such a scene stealer. I can’t fault him. I would be jumping into every scene I could the second I saw the cameras go up. Oh, and I would lurk too. Jump and lurk. Lurk and jump. I might shove too if it got me some more camera time.
- Seth finally gets some alone camera time with Olivia and asks her if Erin Jo has approved the looks yet to which Olivia responds, “I don’t think they care if Erin approves it.” Seth starts twitching, shaking, and stuttering and saying that he was just asking because Erin is the senior PR person who’s going to be on the shoot so he’s “just checking.” He smiles a nervous smile and, had my TV been scratch-n-sniff, I’m sure I would be smelling sh*t in his pants. Seth does this all wrong. You see, he needs to take more control. For example, he should have walked into the room and said to Olivia, “Hey sticks, these clothes for real? You better get Erin’s blessing on this or you’ll be downgrading from a Crest toothbrush to a Colgate toothbrush being shoved down your throat after breakfast.” See how that works? It’s called “being assertive.” Try it on.
- Meanwhile, some perv is making Whitney try on some clothes so he can see them on her and wants to order basically everything she has. When he asks her what size she is Whitney says, “I’m probably kinda like a 2, but my boobs are big.” Nice selling technique. I guess that explains why this dudes hand was down his pants while the order was being placed. I don’t even think he was a buyer. I think he’s just a Level Three on a field-trip. We’ll see how this pans out.
- Olivia and Louise (that name!) head out for a boring lunch filled with a thick British accent. Worst. Louise wants Olivia to know that she’s not out to steal her job. Olivia puts on her sh*t-eating-grin and says she would never think that. Olivia acts like an elderly woman who wears pearls, sips tea out of her finest china, and knits scarves for her cats before she takes her Sunday afternoon nap. What a ball of fun.
- Uh-oh. Crap. Over at Pubic Rev, Kiki breaks news that the Level Three who placed that huge order actually canceled it. Whitney is pissed because now she is stuck with all the clothes and out the money. They all blame Roxy, but I mean come on. We should all be thankful that Roxy Horror knows how to put a pen to paper at this point.
- Whitney is piiiiiiised off and Kiki gives some great advice and yells over to Whitney, “Let this burn you for a while so you’ll remember how you feel at this moment. It will save you millions of dollars in the future.” That may or may not be a fortune cookie fortune, but still, great advice. That Kelly. National treasure.
- Finally! Erin Jo makes it into the episode. What’s been up with her lately? See what lack of facial expressions does in the editing room? Learn from this. Joe Zee is all a flutter with Ke$ha as she tries on clothes. First of all she looks like she just got out of a Russian gang bang. Second, does anyone want to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure that Ke$ha is really Debbie Gibson with teased hair? Let’s go to Maury to get a DNA.
- Anyway, Debbie Gibson loves the trash bag shoes (literally) that Olivia picked out and for some inexplicable reason Seth is there to tell her that she did a great job and basically “read Ke$ha’s mind.” Oh Seth. Stop it. Erin Jo is sitting down and, again, not saying anything. Although when Seth compliments Olivia Erin Jo does look like she’s ready to take a 2×4 to Seth, Olivia, and then herself. Basically I’m talking murder suicide. It’s written all over her face. Oh, and also a compliment from Seth is like a “thank you anyway, have a nice day” from the person who works in the middle of the mall who asks me if I can talk to them for a second so they can massage my scalp with some 5 pronged machine. It means nothing.
- Roxy Horror heads over to Wink to finalize the order for Whitney’s Claire Huxtable nightgown collection. They actually decide to buy some if it, but probably because they’re on camera and they know it’s basically like free promotion for their own store. I’m sure once the season is over they’ll crumble up the clothes and stuff them down the garbage disposal. Only time will tell. Well, time and my eyes if I go to the store to see if it’s still there. So basically time will tell because I’m not going to the store to check.
- In the end the final Debbie Gibson photos are in the ELLE Magazine and, what do you know, the shoes that Olivia pulled made the final cut. Good for her (puke). Erin Jo asks Olivia if she pulled the shoes and if she can forward her contacts info over to her. Erin also insinuates that Louise had a contact over at that shoe designer as well and, well, Olivia isn’t having any of this. She tells Erin Jo that she did, in fact, pull those shoes and she knew exactly what she wanted. She then tells Erin Jo that she enjoys working with Louise and that “her master plan” isn’t really working out to well. Oh no she didn’t.
- I have to say, it’s nice to see Olivia actually speak up. If she did that more we wouldn’t have to rely on Erin Jo to carry every scene. I only wish that when Olivia walked away Erin Jo yelled out, “Go F your mother, you whore” or something else sweet like that.
- Welcome to Miami, bienvenwhito a Miami. That’s Spanish for, “Whitney and Roxy are in Miami to put on a fashion show, which most likely will be an absolute disaster. Roxy will probably relapse with coke and Whitney is probably getting a sun burn just sitting in the lobby of her hotel.” I know that seems like a long Spanish to English translation, but the Spanish just use less words. Ole!
- Does Joe Zee Messina wear a uniform to work? I think he does. He’s always in a black suit with white shirt and black tie. It’s like he’s wearing a Double-Stuffed Oreo which, by all accounts, is awesome. Erin Jo, on the other hand, looks like an absolute ray of sunshine. No literally, she does. She’s sporting a yellow skirt like the sun and a light blue shirt like the sky. If I didn’t know any better I would have assumed Tweety Bird fell upside down. That may or may not have made sense.
- Joe Zee Messina wants to let Olivia know that even though she is dressed like the crazy lady who stands at the airport trying to sell you beaded necklaces in Mexico, she still needs to land an exclusive ELLE interview with Zac Posen. At first I assumed that was the kid from High School Musical, but later I found out it wasn’t. Imagine my surprise when Olivia was trying to interview someone who I thought was Screech’s little brother. But I digress.
- Erin Jo actually had no lines in this scene, but she did not disappoint as she brought back some crackadoo facial expressions. This included, but was not limited to, the “quick left to right” eye dart, the “one eye roll whilst the other eye stays motionless,” and “the Grinch’s heart grew 2 sizes that day” evil smile. All well worth it.
- Meanwhile back in Miami, Whito and Roxy Horror are listening at attention when the leader of this fashion show is giving them rules about choosing 1 model, not sharing models, and fighting over who gets their model. I’m not sure why this has turned into an episode of You Can’t Do That on Television, but someone please say “water” quickly!
- Whitney chooses her model, who looks like a sleepier version of Sleepy Time Allie from Season One. Whitney loves the way the clothes look on her. Ok. I’m going to say it. Why won’t any comment on the fact that Whitney’s clothing line looks like the pajamas that Claire Huxtable used to wear to bed every night? I mean, come on! People are all like, “Whitney it looks so great! What was your inspiration?” Whitney always replies with, “My inspiration is any girl who wants to mix business and cocktail attire and make it fun.” Really? No it’s not. Your inspiration was friggin Claire and Cliff Huxtable slow dancing to a jazz record in their living room with the lights dimmed and then getting into their matching silk two piece pajamas and heading off to bed. There, I said it.
- Whitney is all pissed off that some other designer is trying to steal her model that she just booked. We know this because not only did she say, “This bitch keeps stealing my model,” but also because when Whitney confronts this other designer everything she says to her sounds like a question. Example: We booked her for the show? And we’re not going to be able to share her? I’m going to use her for my last look and then have her at the cocktail party? So, I call dibs? We agree with this? All terrible.
- Back in NYC, Erin Jo, Olivia, and Joe Zee are all at the Zac Posen party that is, literally, a half block from where I live. I can legit look out my apartment window and see it. Thanks for the invite. No, no, it’s fine. Really. It’s just as fun watching it on TV. Oh, and no I’m not mad that I even see Seth (my A.N –> arch nemesis) at the party. Nope, not mad at all. Nope. No, I’m watching the rest of this episode online because I’m literally knee deep in the television right now.
- At the party, Olivia is trying her best to get her big interview with Zac “Screech” Posen, but she keeps getting stopped by everyone else who wants to take a picture of her. Imagine that!? What are the odds? If I were there I would have had one of those trick cameras so that when she said “cheese” a boxing glove would have come out of the camera and knocked her on her ass. If only I were a real cartoon.
- Joe Zee and Erin Jo are chasing Olivia through this three story party like Spy vs. Spy. Why has Erin said nothing in every scene she’s been in?
- Olivia finally gets to interview Screech and I have to give her credit. She did it like a real drunken slut. She had her arm around him and was talking in this high pitched squeak that only dogs and Richard Simmons can hear and respond to. This is the most emotion I’ve ever seen from Olivia. Looks like someone forgot to purge this morning and is filled with protein and energy!!
- Over in Miami, Whito and RoxSuxCox are at some d-bag store trying to sell Whitney’s Clair Huxtable collection to these two cougars who probably only run the cash register. The clothes in the store look like cheap sh*t that is highly flammable, but could be perfect for the girl who wants to dress like La Cucaracha. Seriously, all the clothes should come with a pocket lice comb and a fire extinguisher.
- All this back and forth! Meanwhile, over at ELLE(gance is learned, my friend) Erin Jo is showing Rita Wilson the wonderful work that Olivia did while diddling Zac Posen. At one point Erin Jo just puts both arms up over her head and, had the camera panned out a bit, I’m sure we would have seen her waving a white flag. You can tell, Erin is over this. DON’T pull an Elodie and leave this show. Don’t do it. Don’t. If Whitney can sell flame-retarded clothes to Mamasita Macarena in hace color Miami, so can you!
- The editor dude who’s sitting in the room watching Olivia’s clip hits the nail on the head when the clip ends, there’s silence in the room, and then he just says, “She’s very pretty.” Bravo. I tossed this dude a beer to salute him, but to no surprise it just ended up breaking my TV. Anyway, Rita Wilson spews out some quote about, “You know what they say….work horses and ponies.” Really? Who says that? And why? And did she just call Erin a work horse? I mean, Olivia is my little toothpick pony, but come on! They then watch Louise’s Elle video and Erin Jo smiles and squeals with delight. The editor dude goes, “she’s funny!” Really? If they think Louise is a hoot they must think I’m a drumken barrel of monkeys. I have no idea what that means. In the end they might have both Olivia and Louise be the face of ELLE(phant).
- Over at the fashion show, there is a lot of drama going on backstage. Roxy and Whitney keep asking to talk to Large Marge Marcia, who’s running the show, and she keeps telling them that she can’t talk to them right now the same way you tell someone, quickly, that you have to call them back….because you’re about to sh*t your pants. Oh don’t judge me!
- Roxy and Whitney finally confront Large Marge Marcia and she just smiles the whole time and continuously looks up at the ceiling. Had I not known better I would have assumed she was Audrina. Roxy actually asks her what she thinks is so funny. I don’t know why anyone is stressed out. It’s looks like it’s one of those church fashion shows where the models skip down the aisle and the audience in the pews fan themselves with fans made out of the church bulletin. Who cares? This was sponsored by, like, Howard Johnsons.
- It’s Whitney’s turn to show her fashion line and those cash register workers from the mall are front row. How’d they get in? Whitney is, inexplicably, dressed like Colonel Sanders and I’m not even close to exaggerating. She should have thrown out a 10 piece when she went to take her bow on stage.
- Back at ELLE(ctricution) Louise shows up to chit-chat with Erin Jo at her desk all whilst Olivia sits there, probably still trying to figure out how to turn her computer on. Erin Jo tells Louise (that name gives me an upset stomach) that she thinks she’s perfect to be the face of ELLE(o) videos because she’s “personable, and telegenic, and articulate, and reliable, and on time.” At first I thought this was mean to say in front of Olivia, but then I realized that Erin Jo was using words that Olivia had no idea what they meant. Olivia probably thought Erin Jo was giving Louise her grandmothers recipe for blueberry muffins.
- Olivia finally turns around to say hELLo to Louise and talk about the accessories closet and one day go to lunch and make sweet love together. Seriously, does Olivia make commission every time she references the accessories closet? Is that just code word for “taking a dump?” I thought I saw a little spring in her step when she got up! Anyway, they cut out Erin Jo as they cackled all the way down the hallway. The last shot of Erin literally looked like she threw up a little in her mouth. Poor EJ.
- In the end, Colonel Whitney Sanders greets the two cashiers from that store (Dots?) that they work at and they end up deciding to buy Whitney’s clothes right then and there. That other random designer chick got the shaft from Whitney and probably ended up getting hammered and gang-banged on Ocean Drive at 3:30 in the morning. Congrats Colonel Whito Sanders! Extra crispy!