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The City Season Finale Recap: Olivia’s Little Face is HUGE in Japan. Not Literally Though. Relax Olivia. Put the Toothbrush Down.

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Goooooooooooooonnnnggg!  This week, boys and girls, The City is visiting Japan!  That’s left of Poland, I believe, for those of you following along in Canada.  Get ready for me to make as many ignorant jokes as my fingers will type!

• Whitney is ready to sell her lead-laced rags to anyone who will buy them so she informs Kelly Cutrone that she’s basically having sex with some other chick from another PR agency.  Well she didn’t go that far, but she might as well.  This PR chick, according to Cutrone, wears pink all the time so that’s basically like a slap in the mask to Kiki.  As we all know Kelly only wears black, pisses black, and sh*ts black.  What we also know is that there are a few pinks parts to Kelly  These pink parts are as follows: Her tongue (when she’s extra healthy), her poopy boom boom circle, and her indoor vaginastein.  Allegedly.  It’s the last recap of the season, folks, and I’m setting the bar real low.
• There’s a big fashion shoot with Snap-Cracklina Kornstovetop and all our friends at ELLE are there to giving a helping hand.  This includes wide-mouth Louise and then someone we’ve never referenced before.  This person is Keith Pollock and he’s the Editorial Director at ELLE.  I believe that’s “magazine lingo” for “guy who puts stuff on pages…and junk.”  I don’t know.  I’m not in the industry, nor was I aware magazines still existed.  When all the porn is for free on the Interweb, why bother with pages?  However, therefore, and nevertheless I digress. I’m referencing Keith because he sounds like the voice they used to use on Sally Jesse Raphael when they would have an accused rapist on the show and they’d hide their face and disguise their voice so the rapist would remain anonymous.  Know what I’m talking about?  So yeah, Keith is saying how nice it is to meet Louise, but all I’m hearing is “mwah blah grrr…I can smell your….mwah hrrr blah.”  And end scene.  Thank you, thank you.  Moving on.
• Louise is going to interview Snap-Cracklina Kornstovetop because Olivia is in Japan (goooooooonnnnnnggggg!) frightening small children.  Keith de las Rapist isn’t too sure that Louise is right to be the “Elle girl” because she’s, you know, prepared and articulate and isn’t dead on the inside.  He thinks that the real Elle girl is Olivia.  I guess deep down I always knew the typical Elle girl threw up her meals so I guess we have a match.  Ding, ding, ding!  Gooooonnng! Erin Jo, happily named, looks like she’s dreaming of being a kamikaze pilot while this conversation is taking place.
• Sweet!  We’re in Japan, although I think we’re still really in NYC on the set of The City.  Olivia is walking around like God-damn Godzilla.  At one point I think she picked up a little Japanese lady on her bike and wore her as a necklace.  I just hit rewind.  She did.
• Olivia-san is at the Elle office in Japan, which I always assumed would be decorated with freshly killed chickens hanging from the ceiling but I guess I’m really learning here.
• Ha this is great!  Olivia meets with the Japanese Director of Public Relations who is, let’s face it, Erin Jo with a black wig on and tape on her eyes.  You’re not fooling anyone Erin Jo.  Or should I say Wehwin Jo?  Gooong!
• Next up, Olivia stops in to meet the Editor-in-Chief who is, and we all know it, Joe Zee with a Joyce DeWitt wig on.  He’ll stop at nothing to be around Olivia.  Let me tell you something.  Olivia is f’ing huge in Japan.  These people friggin love her.  No joke, I think the Editor-in-Chief is giving herself a happy ending under her desk all whilst she giggles over Olivia.  She then lets Olivia know that she’d like to have her on stage at the party tonight so they can interview her and find out her “special secret.”  Yeah, let me save you the trouble.  She looks like that because she’s malnourished.  Her secret is an Oral B toothbrush and low self esteem. Goooong!
• Meanwhile back in NYC, Roxy Horror is walking with Zach and talking about the issues with Whitney and….boring.  Next.  I mean, Gonnnng!
• Seriously this episode is crazy overload for me!  Now we’re at Alison Brod PR because Whitney has a meeting with her.  This chick is nuuuutts!  I love it.  I love when grown women have an obsession over a color and then make that color every part of their life.  She’s wearing pink and looks like she just finished having sex with two sets of siamese twins about 5 minutes before the MTV cameras arrived.  She kinda has that Paula Abdul crazy eyes thing going on that makes me think that’s not “kids candy” in those jars all over her office.
• Anypeep, Allison wants to help Whitney sell her flammable clothes to anyone and everyone that will buy them.  She wants her to have 15 fashion shoots in 16 seconds and be in the Hamptons tomorrow.  I have no clue if that’s what she said at all I just couldn’t take my eyes off the crazy.  In the end, Whitney will have to let her know her scripted decision whenever the new script arrives and tells her what to say.
• Seth.  I swear to God.  Which lever do I pull to drop an anvil?
• Seth is chatting up Erin Jo about Olivia and being overly lame with the “Olivia in Japan” jokes.  Erin Jo does toss in a good one about Olivia in America is like Lost in Translation. I mean I never saw the movie, but I assume Erin Jo was killin’ it.  Seth is like, “ohhh Olivia should stay in Japan.”  You know what?  You go to Japan. YOU go.  And stop trying to steal Erin Jo from me.  Now if I was in the scene I would have said something charming like, “Imagine what Olivia must look like in Japan?  I mean, she pukes up bigger things after she binges than the people who are standing next to her right now.”  Good, right?  I would have then looked at the producer and said, “We locking that in editing?”  See how that works Seth?  Contact me before next season and I’ll just start writing some lines for you.
• Honestly, Japan can’t get enough of Olivia.  She’s at the Tibi event and I can’t tell if those are shoulder buttons on her shirt or if her collar bone is cutting through the material.  They’re interviewing her and all the little Japanese girls are giggling like, well, school girls on everything that Olivia says.  I am in awe. It gets better though.  Once they start taking pictures with Olivia they’re all commenting on how small her face is.  One chick is like, “I don’t want to stand next to you because your face is so small and mine looks so big.”  You know your alleged eating disorder is taking over when the Japanese think you are small and have small features.
• Uh oh.  Whitney is in trouble with Kelly Cutrone.  Apparently that sperm-dumpster (I classed it up), Allison Brod, is spreading rumors around town that Whitney fired Cutrone and hired Brod….and Kelly is pissed!  Kiko yells, a bit, at Whitney for having to defend her agency over “a lady who wears pink.”  Whitney is all stutters and apologies and Kiko wants no part of it.  I mean, the editing machine was smoking and sparking to get this scene together, but it was still fun to watch….like a little kid stealing candy from the corner store and then getting caught.  You kind of stare and then snicker to yourself.  Then you get into your car and drive home.  Then you realize that little kid also stole your wallet and used the candy as a diversion.  Damn kids.  So, yeah, kind of like that.
• It’s “Meeting Day” at Elle to find out who’s going to be the next Elle Girl.  All the major players are there; marketing coordinator -  Seth, girl who filmed two online interviews – Louise, Rapist voice – Keith, girl who works at Elle only when the cameras are up – Olivia, and Erin.  Yup, I think a lot of high powered decisions are going to be made at this meeting.
• Joe Zee enters the room like the king and lets everyone know what a great job Olivia did in Japan and…wait for it….wait for it….she is new Elle Girl!  Again, the editing machine is shaking and sh*tting over this scene as Seth laughs and covers his eyes, Erin Jo rolls her eyes (per usual), and Olivia looks right over to Erin Jo for reaction.  When Joe Zee Messina lets Olivia know that she will now be working even closer with Erin Jo, Olivia looks at Erin and says, “Erin, are you ok with that?”  The look on Erin’s face is priceless.  I kind of wish, though, that Erin flipped the entire conference table over and screamed, “Not in my house, B*TCH!” and then went after her in choking motion.  Eh, that’s just how I would have handled it though.
• As a sidenote, Seth is totally getting fired.  As they’re all walking out of the meeting he says to Erin, “If you weren’t thinking of leaving before, you are now” and Joe Zee is right behind him with a look of hate and “kill” in his eyes.  Someone please let me know when his role opens up.  I’ll be updating my resume.  The only real fashion experience I have revolves around skid-marks in my underwear.  Although I do hear that’s all the rage this Fall in Milan.  Call me!
• In the scripted end, Whitney and Roxy Horror meet up so Whitney can fill her in on the meeting with Allison Brod.  Roxy tells Whitney not to forgot all that Kelly helped her with and if she does decide to sign with Allison that things with her and Kelly will change forever.  Boring.  Although bonus points for when Roxy was walking away it looked like she was literally taking a crap in her dress.  So, good for her with that.

Well folks another season down the sh*tter.  Thanks for coming along each week to recap all the craziness and having a laugh or two.  I’d also like to thank the few folks at ELLE who read this crap and take it all with a grain of salt.  It was hard to tee off on all of you once I knew you were reading, but I dug deep down in my blackened heart and found the will to stay true to myself no matter who was reading.  We’re all douche bags and are in this together.  Although I’m not a douche bag.  No I’m not.  Fine, a little.  Ok, a lot.

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The City Recap: Olivia Knows Japan Isn’t In New York, Right?

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This week we’re starting with the recap of The City instead of The Hills because I thought it was time to change things up.  I’m kidding, my Tivo didn’t tape The Hills for some reason and I. Am. Pissed.  I yelled at my Tivo and, well, said a lot of things I didn’t mean.  I feel terrible and my Tivo is going to have to explain a black-eye to the other Tivo’s during lunch tomorrow.  I told my Tivo to just say it tripped and fell into a doorknob, but we have used that one many times before so it might be time to get a bit more creative.  Anydvr, The Hills recap will be back tomorrow so, in the meantime, enjoy what went down last night on The City:

• In our first fake storyline of the season, Roxy Horror and Sammi Gap Tooth are apartment hunting in sunny New York City.  Sammi thinks that Roxy needs to take the first real step in making her own life and apparently a 1 bedroom, $4,000/month furnished apartment will do just that!  The real estate agent, whom I’ve nicknamed La Cucaracha, looks like someone pissed all over her hair and shot her in the face with a makeup gun.  That alone is worth the $2500 “finders fee” and, well, I’m willing to pay that on Roxy’s behalf.
• Erin Jo is with Kate, the Director of Accessories from (h)ELLE(o) magazine looking at, you guessed it….accessories.  I’m shocked to learn that an accessories editor does exist. It makes sense though.  I mean, you definitely need an expert out there saying things like, “wear earings” and “here’s a bracelet.”
• Whitney is chattinK with Erin Jo and Kate, the Sandra Dee of our generation, about their upcoming shoot with Ashley Greene for ELLE(a Fitzgerald) and Erin Jo comes up with a genius idea that they’ll need a black dress for the shoot and asks Whitney if she has any black flammable clothes they may be able to use.  Whitney almost pisses herself with excitement and explains that this year she has a lot of black dresses because she finally realized that everyone wears black and black goes with everything.  Oh Whitney, you really are a prodigy.  I am scared, however, that it took her two fashion lines to figure out something that my 3 year old niece has known since she was 2.  But I digress.  I also digest.
• Roxy Horror is having lunch with her dad Ken Olin (a writer and cast member of ABC’s “Brothers and Sisters”), surely he’ll be able to spot Roxy the money for her $4,000 “starter” apartment.  Oh, that was quick.  No, no he won’t.  Although Ken does sweeten (not Jodi) the deal by allowing her to come home and live in his mansion and walk his dogs.   Roxy turns that down and I am busy trying to get Ken’s contact information so that I can accept that offer.  My only stipulation is that I don’t like dogs so I’m only willing to drag the dogs, not walk them, and I must wear a hazmat suit the entire time.  I’ll let you know what he says.
• It’s the day of the Ashely Green shoot and Joe Zee is all ” a buzz” around the clothing options that Ashely might be able to wear.  There are things on the rack (giggty) from Versace,  Dolce and, of course, Whitney Eve.  I’m sure they’re only using Whitney Eve clothes as a “floor protector” in case one of the Versace pieces falls off the rack.
• Joe Zee Messina asks Olivia, who’s dressed to be deployed to Iraq (fingers crossed), if they can work in some of Whitney’s clothes into the shoot and Olivia musters up enough energy to say that they have other priorities first.  Erin Jo gives Joe Zee a look and half smirk that says, “Who knew Olivia he knew what the word ‘priority’ meant?!”  Joe Zee leaves the shoot and Olivia’s twin takes Whitney’s black rags and places them with the other clothes letting Olivia know that Joe Zee really likes it and that Olivia should try to add accessories to it and use it for the shoot.  Olivia responds by saying, “there’s only so much we can do.”  I’m sure she just stole that from the producers and editors when she overheard them talking about her.
• Over at Pubic Rev, Kelly Cutrone comes to save the day and spread happiness, sunshine, and piss all over the office.  Like an episode of The Brady Bunch, Whitney and Roxy are basically giving each other the silent treatment.  Personally, I think Whitney just ran out of words she knows, but apparently she’s still mad at Roxy.  Kelly tells them both that they need to get over it and that she’s not a therapist and doesn’t really care.  There’s a charity event that Whitney is going to she decides to bring Sammi instead of Roxy Horror.  Kelly rolls her eyes and I’m pretty sure, when she did this, I saw snakes goes by.  I just had to rewind it on my Tivo and yes, in fact, I did see snakes.  Odd, yet not so.
• Seriously is Joe Zee Messina make a commission off every person he gets to wear Whitney Eve?  Is he making commission right now because I’m talking about it?  Joe Zee, with gun in hand, makes Ashely Greene put on Whitney’s jacket that looks like it came off an extra on the set of Dynasty (yes I’m that old so go F yourself).  I can almost see the rash forming on Ashley’s arms.  Olivia is now tasked with interviewing Ashley and she asks her some real doozies!  Questions like, “Hi, how are you?” and “You’re in Twilight?  Tell me about it.”  By the end of the interview Joe Zee has to instruct Olivia to ask Ashley about what she’s wearing so she says, “I love your shoes.”  Ashley tells us all who made her shoes, her skirt, her vaginastein, and that the slaves chained to the sewing machine in Whitney’s sweatshop made the jacket.  Of course Olivia replies, “Well I love your shoes and skirt.”  Oh snap.  Rhythm is a dancers and Whitney just got zinged by The Can of Olives.  When she says this Joe Zee looks at Erin Jo like he heard someone tell him to stop wearing his black suit/white shirt/black skinny tie uniform.
• It’s time for the charity event that is named “Tulips and Pansies” which I’m pretty sure if subliminal messaging for “Vagina’s and Taint.”  I just checked and, well, I was right.  This is a charity I can get behind.  Hey-oh!
• Whitney is wearing a bed-spread from a Boca Raton Howard Johnson’s (w/ diner) and she’s bitching about Roxy wanting to move out of the 1 bedroom apartment.  Whito goes to sit with Kiko Cutrone and Roxy shows up and sits right beside Whitney.  They watch about 10 people walk the runway with about 300 pounds of flowers on their heads and then they have at it.  Marsha and Jan start fighting about Jan looking at other apartments and suddenly Alice reprimands them for fighting during a charity event.  Marsha storms out of the fashion show because she can’t fight with Jan anymore and also probably a little because her dress is starting to itch….like, a lot.
• Wait a second, this scene just took a complete left turn.  Olivia just told Joe Zee that she wants to go to Japan and do some “stories” for Elle(m, n, o, p).  Joe Zee says if Olivia can justify going than he’ll think about it so Olivia says that she wants to do a segment where she asks people on the streets of Japan what they’re wearing and then she also wants to go to the Elle(ctrictuion) offices in Japan to meet them too.  Apparently this is enough for Joe Zee to “buy in” because he thinks that Olivia raises some valid points and so he’s going to talk to Rita Wilson about this.  Seriously, what?  Somewhere at a Benihana, Erin Jo is sharpening her knife and squealing with delight.  Also, I have no idea.
• Sidenote, I hope they turn Olivia into Japanimation for next season.
• Ugh.  I have three words for you.  Seth.
• Seth is basically wrapping up episodes now?  Is that right?  I’m so sick of him trying to steal Erin Jo from me on the regular.  He’s mocking her for drinking coffee out of a straw and can’t understand why.  What a real maroon.  Erin Jo explains that if you don’t drink coffee out of a straw it messes up your teeth.  Duh, Seth!  That’s “White Teeth 101.”  Everyone knows that.  I am loving how Erin is into teeth because, well, for those of you that know me personally you know that I legit have abnormally blindingly white teeth.  Try to keep up Seth, will ya?
• Erin Jo and Seth are chit-chatting with their coffees walking through Times Square like they’re re-creating scenes of Felicity and Seth comes up with the brilliant idea that if they can get Olivia to go to Japan for the short-term, maybe they can get her out of Elle(o) for the long-term.  Yeah, that’s called “terrorism” Seth.  Stop trying to terrorize the poor girl.  You know what?  This is New York and they have this subtle little motto called, “If You See Something, Say Something.”  You know what Seth?  I just saw something in you and, well, I’m going to say something.  I’m calling the NYPD as I type this so you better start packing up your desk and deleting the porn from your computer because you’re going to be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay before the week is up.  Bon Voyage, prick.
• In the end, Roxy Horror is dramatically packing up her stuff and Whitney is surprised….or maybe she just looks like that?  So for someone who’s been “living” there for 2 seasons Roxy only has 1 suitcase and 1 carry-on bag.  Odd.  I bet she’s a terrorist too.  You know, like one of those “sleeper cell” terrorists?  Who knew The City was a breeding ground for them?!
• Roxy hops (not literally) in a cab and Whitney looks out the window as she leaves…very reminiscent of when Heidi Montag moved out of Lauren Conrad’s apartment on The Hills. If this means that fast-forward 3 seasons and Roxy gets enough plastic surgery to pass for another human being well then I’m all for it.

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The City Recap: With Special Guest Appearance By Martha Stewart

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• Uh, what happened to Joe Zee?  Who’s this new guy who looks like Joe Zee, but isn’t wearing the required black suit/white shirt/black skinny tie uniform that we’re use to seeing?  If he’s going to all of a sudden switch up his attire they’re going to need to keep his name captioned for the duration of his scene, thank you and also, thank you.
• Erin Jo, who  has apparently dug up the body of Michael Jackson and stole his jacket, is all pumped to the nines because she booked Elle to be on Martha Stewart.  I thought Martha Stewart was still in prison, no?  Ugh, I guess I’m behind the times.  Someone get me an atlas so I can figure this out.  Anyshamore (eeeee heeee!), it’s Olivia’s “job” to make sure she finds some up-and-coming designer so she can blow feathers all over Martha.  I have no idea.  All I know is that Joe Zee is basically begging Olivia to write down what he’s instructing her to do, but she won’t.  Everyone looks frustrated, but I think Olivia really has never used a pen before.  She basically licks the paper and is like, “Is this writing?”  Seriously, Helen Keller could have followed these directions better than Olivia.  As a sidenote, Helen Keller was also a snappier dresser than Olivia and could also play the spoons.  Some of that may be fact and some of it may be non-fiction.  Oh wait.
• Why in the holy hell are they playing “Staying Alive” during the scene that leads up to Whitney and Roxy Horror at Pubic Rev?  Ugh, they must be out of money.  Next week I’m sure they’ll be using the “Cannon in D” midi ringtone from my 2002 Motorola.
• So some chick singer from Canada (I assume Anne Murray) is playing a gig in NYC and because this singer got robbed Kelly Cutrone is hoping to push Whitney’s clothing line on this poor girl.  It’s like, “Sorry you’ve been robbed.  Here’s some highly flammable clothes.  Don’t sweat in them or you’ll go up in flames.”  And what does she mean “They were robbed?”  Robbed how?  Like on Oregon Trail when a thief would come in the middle of the night to steal your sh*t from your covered wagon?  Like that?  Be specific.  Unless you spell it out for me I’m not going to be able to follow it.  Oh, and Roxy Horror is in charge or forcing Anne Murray to wear this crap on stage.  Yawn.  Oh, and burp.
• Meanwhile, Joe Zee Messina and Olivia (+ toothpick legs) head over to see that random designer who they may use on Martha Stewart.  I can’t understand a word this guy is saying.  I mean, they do sub-titles for Kiki Cutrone at times, but for this guy they’re just going to wing it.  Makes sense.  I’m pretty sure he’s describing one of his outfits by saying he glued glass and plastic all over it.  The model looks like she needs a tetanus shot after doing her walk.  Olivia starts taking pictures of these terrible outfits.  Bonus points for Olivia since she didn’t use the camera backwards and take a close up picture of her face.  Who knew?  Finally Olivia chooses her favorite outfit which is Smurf blue pants.  She says she loves the “menswear” look for women. It’s her “favorite of all time.”  Why doesn’t she just admit she’s sporting a ding-ding and save us all a lot of time?
• Back over at Pubic Rev, that Canadian singer who I assumed was Anne Murray shows up with her manager.  Her name is Lights.  I said, her name is Lights.  Lights.  Kill me.  Is she “the Demi Lovato” that all the kids are wild about?  I can’t keep up.  All I know is that she looks like she leaves a ring around the bathtub and stinks like the basement of a church.  In other words, she could be a Lohan.
• Roxy Horror is trying to force feed “Lights” the clothes from Whitney Eve but “Lights” wants no part of it.  I wonder why?  Why doesn’t “Lights” want to dress the same way Claire Huxtable goes to bed?  That’s odd.  What is she thinkinK?  In the end, “Lights” chooses one of Whitney’s jackets to wear.  Is she going to give the jacket back after…..with all her hair grease all over it?
• It’s the night of “Lights’” concert and I’m already embarrassed for everyone and myself.  She’s wearing Whitney’s jacket, which is nice to see!  Oh wait.  That was fast.  The jacket has not only been taken off, but thrown on the ground as well.  Either that or the jacket tried to jump from her dirty body in order to save itself.  Whitney is piiiiiiised.  I love how the cameraman keeps taking a close up shot of the jacket on the ground like it’s a dead body.  Seriously, take a Shasta McNasty on it, light it on fire, and call it a day.
• Somewhere across town where “the rich” live, Olivia and her boyfriend, Joe Zee, are at some event where Joe Zee just compliments Olivia every 2.5 seconds.  I love love love how he totally sweats Olivia.  He could care less that my 3 year old niece can do Olivia’s job (she can use a pen and a camera and Olivia can fit into a 3T), he just loves him some Olivia.  I bet they have sleepovers.  Olivia wears a pants-suit to bed and Joe Zee, of course, is in his black suit.  They braid each others hair, freeze Olivia’s bra undershirt when she falls asleep, and bust out the Ouija Board to contact Sleepy Time Allie, Jay (Ozzy Bobby), Adam, and other old dead cast members from season one.
• When some random 10′ tall designer comes up to Olivia my first thought is, “Roz from Night Court became a designer?  Good for her.”  Joe Zee raves how Olivia saved the day earlier when they went to visit that random designer and Roz asks Olivia what she did there.  Olivia says, “You know….took pictures…..looked at the Fall and Spring collection.”  Wow, someone is a real go-getter!  You mean to tell me she took pictures AND used her eyes to look at things?  4 years of college were well worth it!  Elle today and maybe the first woman on Mars tomorrow!  I’m kidding.  Uranus.  Giggity.
• Back at the “Lights” concert, Whitney is all in a huff that her beloved jacket is on the ground so she decided to leave the “show.”  I’m surprised she left before they held a memorial for the jacket.  She finds Roxy Horror and yells at her for not following through and making “Lights” wear her rags.  Roxy Horror has a point.  She can’t force her to wear stuff that she doesn’t want to.  Also, why do I care?  Whitney tosses in a threat that she has to answer to Kelly as well and Roxy storms away never to be seen or heard from again.  Wait no, she’ll be seen and heard from again.
• It’s the big Martha Stewart show taping!  I’m trying to pretend I’m excited by using an exclamation mark.  Didn’t work.
• Oh. Hi Seth.  Oh, Seth?  Go f*ck yourself.
• Why is Seth everywhere and I’m not anywhere?
• Erin Jo is all a flutter and doing the job of 10 people. She’s like a the crazy Jamaican on the beach who braids your hair, carves you a wooden duck, and then takes you para-sailing.  I thought she was in PR, but she’s also giving makeup tips and giving the models instructions.  I laughed when she told the “glam girl” to smile because she looked depressed.  Good form.
• What are you smiling at, Seth?
• Rita Wilson is totally sucking up to Martha Stewart when right before they “go live” she tells Martha that she’s pretty.  Martha, who’s fishing for compliments, pretends she didn’t hear her so Rita Wilson has to say it again.  Also, we know that Rita Wilson is lying because when she says it she immediately itches the back of her head.  Jennifer Aniston used to do this when being interviewed about who she was dating.  Oh, also, I need to stop watching Inside Edition.
• The segment goes off without a hitch and Erin Jo lets Rita Wilson, her boss, know how proud she is of her…her boss….Rita Wilson…Erin…proud of Rita.  Awkward.
• Why does everyone seem to care about the Martha Stewart show?  Is ELLE’s demographic 62 year old retirees from Georgia?  Maybe it is. Maybe. It. Is.
• Roxy Horror and Whitney are at Whitney’s 1 bedroom apartment where Roxy also lives (oww owwww!) and they’re still fighting about that nasty jacket being thrown on the ground.  Seriously, you would think this jacket was on its way to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC the way they’re talking about it.  Whitney feels that Roxy Horror is constantly disappointing her and it’s put a strain on their contractually obligated friendship.  Therefore, Roxy Horror decides she’s going to move out.  If I were Whitney I would have said, “Oh you want to move out? Oh.  Ok.  Why don’t I give you the addresses where my old friends Allie, Jay, and Adam live now.  Oh wait…the dumpster.”
• In the end we end where we started.  No, not in hell.  At ELLE.  Joe Zee and Olivia are chatting (per usual) about how wonderful Olivia is and then Joe Zee congratulated Erin Jo on a job well done at the Martha Stewart Show.  Olivia also lets Erin Jo know that she did a good job.  Really?  That’s about as meaningful as the person who says “thank you” when you hold the door for them when they’re 10 steps away from it.  Erin Jo is giving great face at everything that Olivia is saying to her.  A face that almost says, “B*tch, I’ll cut your tongue out and stick it against the window like a Garfield rear window decal.”  Yeah, like that kind of face.  Erin Jo has had enough (or has to do #2) and gets up and leaves her “work station” while Olivia just sits back and eyes her computer and is probably thinking, “Now I know this ‘talk box’ is supposed to do something.”
• Oh, and F you Seth.

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The City Recap: Garbage Bag Punk is the New Homeless Chic

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• Starting the show with Kelly Cutrone on “10″ just makes sense to me.  Whitney is, once again, getting ready to sell her flammable clothes to anyone who will buy them like a hooker trying to make rent on the 30th of the month.  This time, Whito will be at the Javits Center in NYC along with thousands of others in a little booth showing her collection to buyers as they pass by.  I’m picturing it like a “shoot the duck” booth at your local carnival.
• Kelly is prepping Whitney for what the buyers are going to be saying to her.  She’s talking at Joe Zee speeds and saying that the buyers are going to want her shirt, but in a different color to go with these pants, but in a different color, and at a discounted price, and will need them shipped out tomorrow.  Yowza!  Kelly tells Whitney that she needs to learn how to say no during this process.  Seriously, Whitney looks so freaked out by this.  She should just blow her rape whistle if things get too out of control.
• Watching Olivia walking up the street is like a dream come true.  The camera actually pans up whilst she’s walking and her legs, no joke, look like black strings coming out of her skirt. What’s odd, is that it almost looks like she has a J Lo butt.  Hmm, I must research.
• Anysticks, Olivia and some diggity-douche from ELLE head over to a “clothing store” because they’re going to have to dress Ke$ha for an upcoming photo shoot.  Blaargh.  First off, this “store” looks like you need a tetanus shot as soon as you leave.  Second, the manager, Jimmy, looks like Cort…that dude that LuAnn was dating on Real Housewives of New York.  Awesome.
• The look they’re going for is “trash punk.”  Interesting.  I thought it was called “homeless chic” but that’s just me.  Perhaps you all call it something else.  Seriously, this dude Jimmy is possibly on a meth binge.  He keeps pulling out props from behind the register like he’s Carrot-Top and laughing his arse off.  I love the meth giggles.  Does that even exist?
• Olivia now is tasked with having to try on these black leather combat bullet boots because she’s the same size as Ke$ha.  I’m pretty sure Olivia will be cutting her foot off once she leaves the store.  I’ll assume that as she was trying on this boot she was on her iPhone Googling, “Buy wooden legs in New York City.”  She won’t even walk in the one boot she tried on.  She just stands there.  Obviously I’m not the only one who thinks this is odd because two of the girls who work at the tetanus outlet are also whispering to each other that “she won’t even walk in the shoes.  Who doesn’t walk in shoes?”  This made me laugh.  Who knew Bombshell McGee and 2002 Ashlee Simpson was so funny?
• Whitney is freaking out at the Javits Center because she doesn’t know how to set herself apart from the 1500 other designers who have booths there too.  I know! I know!  Pick me! Pick me!  I believe the answer you are looking for is, “spread eagle.”  That’ll get some attention.  Perhaps place the price tag in your chooch.  I like to call it “thinking outside the box.”  Literally.
• Back at ELLE(cution) some Barbie doll basically hates all the crap that Olivia pulled.  Olivia says she’s waiting on these shoes and knows “they’re exactly what they’re looking for.”  This really is a job that someone has, isn’t it?  Umph. Meanwhile my arch nemesis, Seth, just happens to bust into the scene because he needs some help with pulling some looks for something.  Perhaps his doll collection.  Regardless, Seth is trying to be such a scene stealer.  I can’t fault him.  I would be jumping into every scene I could the second I saw the cameras go up.  Oh, and I would lurk too.  Jump and lurk.  Lurk and jump.  I might shove too if it got me some more camera time.
• Seth finally gets some alone camera time with Olivia and asks her if Erin Jo has approved the looks yet to which Olivia responds, “I don’t think they care if Erin approves it.”  Seth starts twitching, shaking, and stuttering and saying that he was just asking because Erin is the senior PR person who’s going to be on the shoot so he’s “just checking.”  He smiles a nervous smile and, had my TV been scratch-n-sniff, I’m sure I would be smelling sh*t in his pants.  Seth does this all wrong.  You see, he needs to take more control.  For example, he should have walked into the room and said to Olivia, “Hey sticks, these clothes for real?  You better get Erin’s blessing on this or you’ll be downgrading from a Crest toothbrush to a Colgate toothbrush being shoved down your throat after breakfast.”  See how that works?  It’s called “being assertive.”  Try it on.
• Meanwhile, some perv is making Whitney try on some clothes so he can see them on her and wants to order basically everything she has.  When he asks her what size she is Whitney says, “I’m probably kinda like a 2, but my boobs are big.”  Nice selling technique.  I guess that explains why this dudes hand was down his pants while the order was being placed.  I don’t even think he was a buyer.  I think he’s just a Level Three on a field-trip.  We’ll see how this pans out.
• Olivia and Louise (that name!) head out for a boring lunch filled with a thick British accent.  Worst.  Louise wants Olivia to know that she’s not out to steal her job.  Olivia puts on her sh*t-eating-grin and says she would never think that.  Olivia acts like an elderly woman who wears pearls, sips tea out of her finest china, and knits scarves for her cats before she takes her Sunday afternoon nap.  What a ball of fun.
• Uh-oh.  Crap.  Over at Pubic Rev, Kiki breaks news that the Level Three who placed that huge order actually canceled it.  Whitney is pissed because now she is stuck with all the clothes and out the money.  They all blame Roxy, but I mean come on.  We should all be thankful that Roxy Horror knows how to put a pen to paper at this point.
• Whitney is piiiiiiised off and Kiki gives some great advice and yells over to Whitney, “Let this burn you for a while so you’ll remember how you feel at this moment.  It will save you millions of dollars in the future.”  That may or may not be a fortune cookie fortune, but still, great advice.  That Kelly.  National treasure.
• Finally!  Erin Jo makes it into the episode.  What’s been up with her lately?  See what lack of facial expressions does in the editing room?  Learn from this.  Joe Zee is all a flutter with Ke$ha as she tries on clothes.  First of all she looks like she just got out of a Russian gang bang.  Second, does anyone want to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure that Ke$ha is really Debbie Gibson with teased hair?  Let’s go to Maury to get a DNA.
• Anyway, Debbie Gibson loves the trash bag shoes (literally) that Olivia picked out and for some inexplicable reason Seth is there to tell her that she did a great job and basically “read Ke$ha’s mind.”  Oh Seth.  Stop it.  Erin Jo is sitting down and, again, not saying anything.  Although when Seth compliments Olivia Erin Jo does look like she’s ready to take a 2×4 to Seth, Olivia, and then herself.  Basically I’m talking murder suicide.  It’s written all over her face.  Oh, and also a compliment from Seth is like a “thank you anyway, have a nice day” from the person who works in the middle of the mall who asks me if I can talk to them for a second so they can massage my scalp with some 5 pronged machine.  It means nothing.
• Roxy Horror heads over to Wink to finalize the order for Whitney’s Claire Huxtable nightgown collection.  They actually decide to buy some if it, but probably because they’re on camera and they know it’s basically like free promotion for their own store.  I’m sure once the season is over they’ll crumble up the clothes and stuff them down the garbage disposal.  Only time will tell.  Well, time and my eyes if I go to the store to see if it’s still there.  So basically time will tell because I’m not going to the store to check.
• In the end the final Debbie Gibson photos are in the ELLE Magazine and, what do you know, the shoes that Olivia pulled made the final cut.  Good for her (puke).  Erin Jo asks Olivia if she pulled the shoes and if she can forward her contacts info over to her.  Erin also insinuates that Louise had a contact over at that shoe designer as well and, well, Olivia isn’t having any of this.  She tells Erin Jo that she did, in fact, pull those shoes and she knew exactly what she wanted.  She then tells Erin Jo that she enjoys working with Louise and that “her master plan” isn’t really working out to well. Oh no she didn’t.
• I have to say, it’s nice to see Olivia actually speak up.  If she did that more we wouldn’t have to rely on Erin Jo to carry every scene.  I only wish that when Olivia walked away Erin Jo yelled out, “Go F your mother, you whore” or something else sweet like that.

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The City Recap: Meet Colonel Whitney Sanders!

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• Welcome to Miami, bienvenwhito a Miami.  That’s Spanish for, “Whitney and Roxy are in Miami to put on a fashion show, which most likely will be an absolute disaster.  Roxy will probably relapse with coke and Whitney is probably getting a sun burn just sitting in the lobby of her hotel.”  I know that seems like a long Spanish to English translation, but the Spanish just use less words.  Ole!
• Does Joe Zee Messina wear a uniform to work?  I think he does. He’s always in a black suit with white shirt and black tie.  It’s like he’s wearing a Double-Stuffed Oreo which, by all accounts, is awesome.  Erin Jo, on the other hand, looks like an absolute ray of sunshine.  No literally, she does.  She’s sporting a yellow skirt like the sun and a light blue shirt like the sky.  If I didn’t know any better I would have assumed Tweety Bird fell upside down.  That may or may not have made sense.
• Joe Zee Messina wants to let Olivia know that even though she is dressed like the crazy lady who stands at the airport trying to sell you beaded necklaces in Mexico, she still needs to land an exclusive ELLE interview with Zac Posen.  At first I assumed that was the kid from High School Musical, but later I found out it wasn’t.  Imagine my surprise when Olivia was trying to interview someone who I thought was Screech’s little brother.  But I digress.
• Erin Jo actually had no lines in this scene, but she did not disappoint as she brought back some crackadoo facial expressions.  This included, but was not limited to, the “quick left to right” eye dart, the “one eye roll whilst the other eye stays motionless,” and “the Grinch’s heart grew 2 sizes that day” evil smile.  All well worth it.
• Meanwhile back in Miami, Whito and Roxy Horror are listening at attention when the leader of this fashion show is giving them rules about choosing 1 model, not sharing models, and fighting over who gets their model.  I’m not sure why this has turned into an episode of You Can’t Do That on Television, but someone please say “water” quickly!
• Whitney chooses her model, who looks like a sleepier version of Sleepy Time Allie from Season One.  Whitney loves the way the clothes look on her.  Ok.  I’m going to say it.  Why won’t any comment on the fact that Whitney’s clothing line looks like the pajamas that Claire Huxtable used to wear to bed every night?  I mean, come on!  People are all like, “Whitney it looks so great!  What was your inspiration?”  Whitney always replies with, “My inspiration is any girl who wants to mix business and cocktail attire and make it fun.”  Really?  No it’s not.  Your inspiration was friggin Claire and Cliff Huxtable slow dancing to a jazz record in their living room with the lights dimmed and then getting into their matching silk two piece pajamas and heading off to bed.  There, I said it.
• Whitney is all pissed off that some other designer is trying to steal her model that she just booked.  We know this because not only did she say, “This bitch keeps stealing my model,” but also because when Whitney confronts this other designer everything she says to her sounds like a question.  Example:  We booked her for the show?  And we’re not going to be able to share her?  I’m going to use her for my last look and then have her at the cocktail party?  So, I call dibs?  We agree with this?  All terrible.
• Back in NYC, Erin Jo, Olivia, and Joe Zee are all at the Zac Posen party that is, literally, a half block from where I live.  I can legit look out my apartment window and see it.  Thanks for the invite.  No, no, it’s fine.  Really.  It’s just as fun watching it on TV. Oh, and no I’m not mad that I even see Seth (my A.N –> arch nemesis) at the party.  Nope, not mad at all.  Nope.  No, I’m watching the rest of this episode online because I’m literally knee deep in the television right now.
• At the party, Olivia is trying her best to get her big interview with Zac “Screech” Posen, but she keeps getting stopped by everyone else who wants to take a picture of her.  Imagine that!?  What are the odds?  If I were there I would have had one of those trick cameras so that when she said “cheese” a boxing glove would have come out of the camera and knocked her on her ass.  If only I were a real cartoon.
• Joe Zee and Erin Jo are chasing Olivia through this three story party like Spy vs. Spy.  Why has Erin said nothing in every scene she’s been in?
• Olivia finally gets to interview Screech and I have to give her credit.  She did it like a real drunken slut.  She had her arm around him and was talking in this high pitched squeak that only dogs and Richard Simmons can hear and respond to.  This is the most emotion I’ve ever seen from Olivia.  Looks like someone forgot to purge this morning and is filled with protein and energy!!
• Over in Miami, Whito and RoxSuxCox are at some d-bag store trying to sell Whitney’s Clair Huxtable collection to these two cougars who probably only run the cash register.  The clothes in the store look like cheap sh*t that is highly flammable, but could be perfect for the girl who wants to dress like La Cucaracha.  Seriously, all the clothes should come with a pocket lice comb and a fire extinguisher.
• All this back and forth!  Meanwhile, over at ELLE(gance is learned, my friend) Erin Jo is showing Rita Wilson the wonderful work that Olivia did while diddling Zac Posen.  At one point Erin Jo just puts both arms up over her head and, had the camera panned out a bit, I’m sure we would have seen her waving a white flag.  You can tell, Erin is over this. DON’T pull an Elodie and leave this show.  Don’t do it. Don’t.  If Whitney can sell flame-retarded clothes to Mamasita Macarena in hace color Miami, so can you!
• The editor dude who’s sitting in the room watching Olivia’s clip hits the nail on the head when the clip ends, there’s silence in the room, and then he just says, “She’s very pretty.”  Bravo.  I tossed this dude a beer to salute him, but to no surprise it just ended up breaking my TV.  Anyway, Rita Wilson spews out some quote about, “You know what they say….work horses and ponies.”  Really?  Who says that?  And why?  And did she just call Erin a work horse?  I mean, Olivia is my little toothpick pony, but come on! They then watch Louise’s Elle video and Erin Jo smiles and squeals with delight.  The editor dude goes, “she’s funny!”  Really?  If they think Louise is a hoot they must think I’m a drumken barrel of monkeys.  I have no idea what that means.  In the end they might have both Olivia and Louise be the face of ELLE(phant).
• Over at the fashion show, there is a lot of drama going on backstage.  Roxy and Whitney keep asking to talk to Large Marge Marcia, who’s running the show, and she keeps telling them that she can’t talk to them right now the same way you tell someone, quickly, that you have to call them back….because you’re about to sh*t your pants.  Oh don’t judge me!
• Roxy and Whitney finally confront Large Marge Marcia and she just smiles the whole time and continuously looks up at the ceiling.  Had I not known better I would have assumed she was Audrina.  Roxy actually asks her what she thinks is so funny.  I don’t know why anyone is stressed out.  It’s looks like it’s one of those church fashion shows where the models skip down the aisle and the audience in the pews fan themselves with fans made out of the church bulletin.  Who cares?  This was sponsored by, like, Howard Johnsons.
• It’s Whitney’s turn to show her fashion line and those cash register workers from the mall are front row.  How’d they get in?  Whitney is, inexplicably, dressed like Colonel Sanders and I’m not even close to exaggerating.  She should have thrown out a 10 piece when she went to take her bow on stage.
• Back at ELLE(ctricution) Louise shows up to chit-chat with Erin Jo at her desk all whilst Olivia sits there, probably still trying to figure out how to turn her computer on.  Erin Jo tells Louise (that name gives me an upset stomach) that she thinks she’s perfect to be the face of ELLE(o) videos because she’s “personable, and telegenic, and articulate, and reliable, and on time.”  At first I thought this was mean to say in front of Olivia, but then I realized that Erin Jo was using words that Olivia had no idea what they meant.  Olivia probably thought Erin Jo was giving Louise her grandmothers recipe for blueberry muffins.
• Olivia finally turns around to say hELLo to Louise and talk about the accessories closet and one day go to lunch and make sweet love together.  Seriously, does Olivia make commission every time she references the accessories closet?  Is that just code word for “taking a dump?”  I thought I saw a little spring in her step when she got up!  Anyway, they cut out Erin Jo as they cackled all the way down the hallway.  The last shot of Erin literally looked like she threw up a little in her mouth. Poor EJ.
• In the end, Colonel Whitney Sanders greets the two cashiers from that store (Dots?) that they work at and they end up deciding to buy Whitney’s clothes right then and there.  That other random designer chick got the shaft from Whitney and probably ended up getting hammered and gang-banged on Ocean Drive at 3:30 in the morning.  Congrats Colonel Whito Sanders!  Extra crispy!

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The City Recap: If Olivia Gets Fired From Elle, I Quit Life.

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Better late than never.  This week on The City it’s Fashion Week in New York City which is like Christmas morning for these people.  For me, it’s a bit of a snooze, but I’m confident that my friend Olivia and the rest of the gang will make this episode everything I’ve dreamed about and more.  And less.  Let’s see what went down on the latest episode of The City: The British Are Coming (that’s pretty personal):

• Is Kelly Cutrone sporting black hair extensions?  Good God I hope so.  I’d love it if Kiko turned into a huge media sex pot.  Like I really want her to smut it up, a ton.  A real lot.  Basically if Kelly Cutrone got the cover of FHM I’d want her in a black bikini and I’d expect her tan lines to actually be a tan and the rest of her body pale white.  I expect nothing less from my little Kiko.  Wow.  I really started this recap off at the very bottom of the barrel.  Oh well, no where but up, my friends, no where but up.
• Kelly Cutrone reminds Whitney that it’s Fashion Week in NYC and, well, she doesn’t have a fashion show this year.  However, maybe one will happen for her at the last minute….like in Nebraska?  Who knows.  All that matters is that Kelly lets us all know that if you aren’t back stage at a fashion show or not in the first three rows then you are a number 1 loser.  Awesome!  I have a quick question.  What if you aren’t back stage at a fashion show and you’re not in the first three rows during a fashion show, but you sit on your couch and you recap a conversation about fashion show rules?  What’s worse than a loser?  Once that is named, please label me with that.
• Meanwhile over at (h)ELLE Magazine evil headquarters, Joe Zee Messina is having his daily/weekly/hourly/minutely meeting to discuss Fashion Week and he looks like he’s ready to break out into a sweat just talking about it.  I’m expecting to see someone hand him some orange slices, a small cup of water, and then wrap him in an aluminum foil cape once he’s done speaking.  Seth, my arch nemesis, is at the meeting and, not for nothing, but I don’t even see the kid holding a pen and taking a notes.  He’s just smirking.  If this were an episode of The Smurfs, he’d be Smirky Smurf.  Joe Zee would be Speedy Smurf.  Erin Jo would be Faces Smurf.  And Olivia would be Dead Behind the Eyes Smurf.  I, of course, would be Camera Hog Smurf….and Jokey Smurf, obviously.  I’d save my first exploding box for Olivia because, well, I’d assume she’d save hers for me.  Hey-oh!  Back to the meeting, sorry.  Olivia claims she can get a behind the scenes interview with Marc Jacobs because she blows him is friends with him.  Once she says this I’m sure they yelled “cut’ and Joe Zee had to go change his underwear because he had a “happy accident.”  Erin Jo fills in the crew about her new “relationship” with Louise from Elle UK and how she may help them out from time to time.  She then says she does great work and that they need someone who is consistent.  This is when the camera goes to Olivia and she has a confused look on her face.  Now I don’t think for one second that Olivia realizes that she’s being back-doored (giggity), but I do think that when Olivia heard the word “consistent” she immediately thought, “I’m not consistent I just took a nasty dump this morning!?”  You know you were thinking it too and, well, if you weren’t you are now.  You’re welcome America, you’re welcome.
• Over at Pubic Rev, Roxy Horror is all 6’s and 7’s because she’s trying to figure out how to do a seating chart.  Yes, assigning names to chairs is a challenge.  Sammie and the gap between her teeth show up to take Whitney to some fashion show in which they’ll be sitting front row thanks to the wonderful folks over at Burgerdork John Goodman.  Que Suerte!  All Things Cutrone lets Whito know that Maybelline wants to meet her and maybe, just maybe (aka it’s definitely happening), they’ll want to work with Whitney some how.
• At the fashion show we learn that Louise used to date Freddie Fucklemackle.  If you recall, Whitney scriptedly dated Freddie Fucklemackle last season for an episode or two.  Whitney says that she “kinda sorta” dated him, which means that she let him put the tip in.  She’s a lady like that.  As a sidenote, I can’t take Louise’s accent.  It’s too much.  Thank God I don’t have an accent.  I also can’t not look at Louise and not see Kelly Bensimon from Real Housewives of NYC.  Between that and McKaela on The Hills looking like Lauren Conrad it’s like the reality show Gods are really trying to F with my mind  or lack there of.
• Meanwhile over at Marc Jacobs fashion show Olivia is trying to get the backstage interview for Elle Magazine, but I’m pretty sure she’s more focused on doing air kisses and looking down at the ground.  A lot.  It’s really a full time job for her.  Hell, it’s a promotion for her.  Anyskinandbones, Olivia sneaks away leaving the camera man to just stand there, awkwardly, while she heads back stage.  Will she meet Marc Jacobs?  Will she get the interview?  Will she eat?  Ever?  All this and more won’t be answered, so let’s move on.
• Fashion shows scare me.  There’s too much going on and too many flashing lights.  Kiko Palooza 3000 is filling in Roxy Horror on what do do during this fashion show.  It’s something about beat beat lights, beat beat cue the girls, beat beat music, etc.  I’m sure it runs smoother and you can follow the “beat beat” instructions better when you’re on Ecstasy. As that takes place, Joe Zee is in a huff about how bad the weather is outside.  I only heard half of what he said as the second I saw Seth in the front row I started seeing red and lost all hearing.  Why is he in the front row?  Why?  Is it because he’s banging Rita Wilson?  Such a waste of a seat.  He’ll probably just sit there and “watch” and “take notes.” If it was me there I’d be yelling at the models as they walked by saying things like, “Are the Friends really friends?” and “can you walk faster because the camera is on me right now and, well, I’m living my “City” dream.”   See?  He’ll do none of that.  Bah.
• Louise bumps into Joe Zee and Erin Jo at the fashion show and Joe Zee invites her to another fashion show after he learns that she does “on camera” interviewing.  Well, of all the people who I expected to cheat on Olivia I NEVER thought it was Joe Zee Messina.  Shame, shame on you!  When he gets home to Olivia’s house he’s going to have a lot of explaining to do and he’s going to have to explain his black-eye in the Monday morning Elle meeting.
• Olivia falls out of the woodwork wearing Ms. Hannigan’s fur wrap and tells Kevin, the camera guy, that she couldn’t get the Marc Jacobs interview and “goodnight.”  Poor Kevin.  You know he was pissed he had to stand there holding a camera while another camera was on him the whole time.  Olivia crookedly walks away looking like she has no idea where she’s going, where she is, or who she is.  Basically, it’s a normal night for Olivia.
• The “next day” at some other fashion show, (I think it was the Bradlee’s Mischa Barton show) Joe Zee, Erin Jo, and Louise are all front row and Seth is 2nd row (zing!) seated right behind the reserved seat for Olivia Palermo.  Olivia is not in attendance because she over slept.  Over sleeping and under eating is deadly combination.  Joe Zee also learns that Olivia didn’t get the Marc Jacobs interview.  I saw steam.  So, because Olivia isn’t there and Louise and her accent are, they ask her to do the interview of the fashion designer.  She accepts and just when she starts the interview Olivia comes in, looking like she just crawled out of the dumpster after being gang banged by the homeless and a few rats, and has to witness someone taking over her “job.”  I’m concerned.  If Olivia gets replaced how is she going to afford her rent and surviving in this tough economy? More importantly, who is Joe Zee going to be best friends with?  How about me?  Surely, I can sit in Olivia’s desk and look down towards the ground.  Pick me!
• Back at Pubic Rev, Kiki tells Roxy Horror that she did a great job and she tells Whitney that Maybelline scored her a show during Miami Fashion Week.  Miami?  Wow!  I hope Whitney’s line consists of skank-tops and daisy dukes!  To top things off, she’s allowing Roxy to go with Whitney to Miami and run the show.  Even better, Kelly says she won’t be going and that Whitney and Roxy can totally do this themselves.  The best part is that Kiko tells Roxy that she believes in her and is going to “up the ante and double down on another death bet.”  If by calling it a “death bet” doesn’t scream “I have faith in you” I don’t know what does.  She starts rattling off a list of things that Roxy will be responsible for and then stops, looks at her, and says, “do you need a pen?”  Oh no!  That’s a trick question, as we’ve learned that Kelly requires pens especially during a recession (see old episode from Season 2).
• In the end, Erin Jo has a “status update” meeting with Rita Wilson at Elle and basically throws my little Olivia under the bus.  Sniff sniff.  Rita Wilson asks Erin Jo if Olivia is valuable to her and Erin Jo responds “no.”  Ugh.  No?  Really?  Come on.  She’s a little valuable.  She’s valuable for my jokes.  She’s valuable as a BFF 4Eva to Joe Zee Messina.  She’s valuable to a show you’re currently filming called “The City.”  But, alas, Erin Jo sticks with “no” and Rita Wilson says, “Ok.  Ok, I’ll make a phone call.”  Who is she going to call?  Is it like a mafia phone call?  Is Olivia going to be malnourishedly sleeping with the fishes?  Damn you all straight to hell for this!  If Olivia gets fired from Elle, I quit life.

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The City Recap: Not Wearing Guess Can Send Joe Zee Into Cardiac Arrest

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• We’re kicking things off at (h)Elle Magazine and a loving exchange between Olivia and Erin Jo.  Erin Jo is filling in Olivia on some event that Guess is having and Olivia is looking at Erin Jo like she’s a 2 year old reciting a blueberry muffins recipe.  At the same time Erin Jo is talking at Joe Zee speeds and, coincidentally, making me feel the need to buy a set of Micro-Machines.
• As Erin tells Olivia about what needs to be done Olivia, literally, looks like she’s being stabbed.  She keeps squirming around and rolling her eyes like she’s trying to run from feelings of love and compassion.  Olivia cuts off Erin and tells her that she’ll talk to Joe about whatever she is rambling about and will check her schedule to see if she has time to do what Erin just told her to do.  Seriously, she’s responding like Erin just asked her to come over for a scones and lemonade picnic.  After Olivia finishes spinning back and forth in her chair, Erin sits back and literally laughs at her.  I mean, there could have been a cameraman holding a stuffed animal up in the air and yelling for Erin to “look at the pretty bird, look at the silly bird, Erin” but one will never know.
• Over at Pubic Rev, Whitney is losing her sh*t with excitement over feathers the same way my 3 year old niece does.  I’m not sure why she’s so exited but she wants Roxy Horror to “pull looks” that have feathers in it.  She should have been more specific as I now assume Roxy will be chasing pigeons around all over New York City with a toothpick in one hand and a ziplock back in the other.
• All Things Cutrone heads into the office to let Roxy Horror know that because she’s such a F-up she is no longer going to be helping Whitney sell her rags to Teen Beat magazine anymore and will be focusing on new clients who she can burn bridges with and, in the end, be the real reason why Pub Rev will be filing for Chapter 11 by the end of the fiscal year.
• Kelly informs the girls that Erin Jo has invited them to a Elle party to which Whito replies, “Will Olivia be there probably?”  Oh almost Whitney!  This is the closest that Whitney has come to completing an actual sentence.  However, I believe the order of words should have been, “Will Olivia probably be there?”  I’ll give her a B+ and allow her to do some extra credit work to bump up her grade to an A.  I’ll have it be something to do with feathers.  Feathers and a reach around.
• Erin Jo heads over to Guess to dig up the body of Anna Nicole Smith and to get some clothes for the fiesta.  Olivia is there too.  At one point Olivia flips through a book in the waiting room, looks at two pages, closes the book and says, “Hmm interesting.”  Why yes, Olivia, it is interesting when you turn the pages and a giant elephant and panda don’t pop up.  It’s also interesting when you’re flipping through a book and there isn’t a crowd of people in it with Waldo hiding behind the cotton candy machine.
• Yowza.  While at Guess we get to meet Alina Hauptman.  She has that look on her face like Cindy Brady did when she was on the game show and froze up when the red light went on.  I hope she doesn’t puke.  I kinda hope she does, actually.
• While digging through the racks (giggity) Olivia lets us know that in elementary school she wore an eclectic group of designers and Erin Jo looks as she if she’s about to declare jihad on the showroom.  I do believe that Olivia did wear all different designers as she probably wanted to be known as the fashionable skank whilst she was giving hand jobs on the monkey bars.
• Olivia must have been reading up on her Gag Book-o-Jokes while on the toilet because she takes a skimpy white dress/shirt off the rack and tells Erin, “This would look good on you…with a big chunky sweater.”  Oh no you didn’t.  Oh no you just did not.  Erin should have zinged her back with, “Thanks, but I think it would look better on you and it will really make your feeding tube pop!”
• At the Guess event, Whitney chats it up with Joe Zee Messina, who is going to take a look at Whitney’s rack and her new clothing line.  What luck.  Meanwhile, Olivia is on the step and repeat not interviewing people but being interviewed instead.  Ugh, what interesting things can you possibly ask Olivia about?  “So….um….er…..uh…..you tired?”  Joe Zee is about to fall to the ground and throw a tantrum because Olivia is not wearing any Guess clothes at the Guess event.  And that’s when Alina steps in.  She asks Olivia what happened to the clothes she gave her and Olivia lets her know that none of them fit so she didn’t wear them.  Basically, Guess should have clothes that are tailored to a broom stick because that’s all that’s going to fit on Olivia.  She needs something that really shows off her collar bone.
• At Pub Rev Roxy Horror is helping her new clients while Kelly Cutrone is dressed like Ugly Betty.  One guy comes up, literally, wearing Joan Rivers QVC jewelry and, well, I’ve had enough at this point.
• Back at Elle, Joe Zee Messina is scolding Olivia over the fact that she didn’t wear Guess clothes at the Guess party.  Olivia literally laughs and says, “Oh Joe.”  Joe Zee Messina tells Olivia that it’s not funny and that it’s a serious thing.  I’m sure he wanted to end that sentence with, “…but I still love you and please please please let’s still be best friends and don’t defriend me on Facebook ok?  Ok?  Ok, here’s $100 now go out and get a nice big lunch and then throw it up and then let Erin eat it.”
• This whole time Erin looks like she’s trying to figure out ways to perform a murder-suicide without actually killing herself.  Although Erin also looks like she has raccoon eyes, so may she’s just battling a bout of that pesky rabies?
• Later that day, Whitney shows up at Elle to show Joe Zee her rack.  They edit the piss out of the scene to make it look like while she’s waiting for Erin to bring her to Joe’s office that she and Olivia just give each other awkward glances.  Nice try, but like Caroline Manzo says, I am not buying it.  First off I’m not even sure that Olivia sits in front of Erin.  I assume they just have a green screen there and then through the magic of Pixar they somehow add her into these scenes and make her mouth move and eyes blink…and roll.
• Whito shows her flammable clothes to Joe Zee and Anne Slowey.  To sum up this scene, Anne Slowey hates all of Whitney’s clothes and, I’m sure if she could, she would place Whitney under citizens arrest.  Poor Whitney, I actually felt bad for her for a second, but then I remembered she’s on a TV show and gets paid more for a season than I’ll see in a year to I quickly stopped feeling bad for her.
• Whitey, who looks like Tony the Tiger is feeling her up, and Kelly Cutrone are having a nice lunch and Whitney is venting to Kiki Cutrone about how much Anne Slowey hated her line.  Kiko tells Whito that she can feel bad for 2 hours but then should be jumping up and down that she even got that meeting with Anne Slowey.  I think that’s great advice.  It’s Grrrrrrrrrrrreat!
• In the end, Erin Jo is having a top secret (I have no idea) lunch with Louise Roe, a fashion journalist.  You want to know what’s interesting to me about this?  Louise.  You don’t really hear that name too much anymore.  Louise.  Oh, or Francis.  Not many Francis’ out there kicking around.  Moving on.  Louise looks like a mix between Kelly Bensimon and Elle McPhearson….mixed with a little meth.  Erin Jo fills in Louise that she thinks she’ll be great for Elle and that they do have someone who “works” there now (Olivia) but it’s not working out so well.  Wait, it’s not?  I thought it was working out awesomely.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that Olivia is getting promoted from “Joe Zee’s Best Friend” to “Girl Who Stands Next to Water Cooler and Says “Sorry I’ll Only Be a Second.”  No?

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The City Recap: So When Did Joe Zee Start Banging Olivia?

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Time to spend a little time with the folks from “The City.”  You want to know what this show is missing?  Someone with a visible drug problem.  Really, that’s it.  It has everything else I’m looking for in a show, but it’s missing a sloppy drug addict.  I’d even trade that in for a drunk.  Toss in a drunk and you’re in the running for an Emmy.  Anycrap, here’s what went down (besides Joe Zee on Olivia) last night on The City:

• Let’s start taking swings at the pinata and celebrate because Kelly Cutrone just informed Whitney that Glamor magazine is going to do a “piece” on her new line.  Something about skirts and cheap-sh*t I think, it’s hard to follow.  All I know is that Whito wants to bring Roxy to the meeting and Kiki Cutty basically thinks it would be like bringing your pimp to the Little Peaches of America Cotillion.  It just shouldn’t happen.  As a side note, Whitney is wearing what I can only assume is a mix between a Suze Orman bedazzled blazer and Paula Abdul’s jacket from her Vibeology video.  Like a fruit fly that flutters 1 inch from your face, it’s distracting.
• Cowebell.
• Back to Elle, back to reality.  While Erin is cackling on the phone, Olivia is surfing the web at her “desk.”  I’m sure Olivia thinks she’s watching television and the screen keeps freezing, but that’s neither here nor there.  Erin Jo lets Olivia know that they have a staff meeting coming up and wonders what Olivia is going to contribute.  Olivia half smiles and tells Erin Jo that she’ll just have to wait and see.  In other words, “My parents already contribute a large sum of money to this magazine so there’s my contribution b*tch.”  I’m kidding.   Olivia doesn’t have parents.  She was conceived by Rosie the robot from The Jetson’s and an old oak tree and she was raised by butlers.  At least that’s what I found on Ancestry.com and they’re never wrong.
• Whoa slow down Speedy Gonzalez.  Joe Zee Messina is doing a “drive by chatting” with Olivia all whilst wearing his aviator sunglasses.  It’s like a party at Diddy’s every day at Elle!  Joe invites Olivia to some random Gossip Girl party, but he is so excited just to ask her it’s like watching the computer geek asking out the cheerleader as she stands by her locker.  After Olivia lifelessly says that she’ll go, Joe Zee looks towards Erin and basically says, “You don’t want to go, Erin, do you?”  Oh no he just did not.  When did Olivia turn into the new girlfriend and Erin Jo turn into the bitter ex-wife who’s in a heated custody battle over the kids?  Poor Erin.  I would never do that do her.  If I were sitting in the next cube I would have started rapping: “Shorty you’re the hottest, love the way you drop it, brain so good could have swore you went to college.  Hundred K deposits, vacation in the tropics, everybody know it ain’t trickin if you got it.  You ain’t never ever gotta go in your wallet, as long as I got rubberband banks in my pocket.”  Well you know the rest.  When Erin Jo tells Joe Zee that she already has plans with Page Six, Joe Zee speeds away and it is then when you can see Erin trying with all of her willpower to not make a face.  So much so that she is physically using her hand to hold her face together.  Set yourself free, Erin, make the face.
• Whitney heads off to Glamour magazine to meet with some random editors to talk about her skirts that look like they’re highly flammable.  Whitney decides to style her hair in a similar fashion to a horses mane and decides to go against Kiki Cutrone’s advice about not taking Roxy along for the ride and tells the editors that she’ll be bring her “second eye” Roxy with her the next time she comes (giggity).
• What in all that is holy is going on at the Gossip Girl party?  And, more importantly, why is my new arch nemesis, Seth, in attendance?!  There are a lot of cameras flashing and a lot of high pitched screams (mostly coming from Joe Zee) and next thing you know Olivia is talking about her vintage Luca Luca (is that how you spell it?) dress and Joe Zee makes her do a spin as some other random dude does the “raise the roof” hand motion and screams “what what!”  all while Seth giggles like a school girl in heat.  You wanna know what was missing from that circle of people?  Me.  I was missing.  I would have been standing there in absolute terror and would have just blurted out, “What the hell is everyone doing?!  Are you all having seizures?!”
• Meanwhile Erin Jo is at Fishtail in the Upper West Size (xoxo Gossip Girl) to meet with the dude from Page Six.  Erin Jo talks up Alexis (Olivia Palermo Part II) as the new “Belle of Elle,” and  Olivia being a royal F-up.  The Page Six dude thinks this all makes a great story for the paper.  Really?  Note to self:  Don’t read Page Six.
• The “next day” Seth, who is inexplicably dressed like Sinead O’Connor from the “Nothing Compares 2 U” video, is chatting up with Olivia about the night before at the Gossip Girl party.  Seth can’t believe how Olivia can just go up to anyone and start talking to them and Olivia replies “I can talk to a park bench.”  Seth and Olivia laugh so hard over this comment you would have thought that Joe Zee was laying on the floor tickling their privates.  I’m sure in Olivia’s case, he was.  They should have an “under the desk cam” because I’m sure we’d see Joe Zee under there more times than not just blowing into Olivia’s “boing boing” whilst Olivia pretends to do work.  I’ll assume it would make the same sound a giant seashell does when a gust of wind hits it at the beach.  Where was I going with this?!
• Olivia must end her conversation with Seth because she has critical work to do in the “accessories closet.”  So after Seth removes his tongue from Olivia’s choochola and pats Joe Zee on the head, he heads over for sloppy seconds at Erin Jo’s desk.  He can’t seem to understand why the cast of Gossip Girl would have any interest in talking with Olivia and Erin Jo says she doesn’t care what Olivia does outside of work.  Well she should care a little.  I mean, I’m sure Olivia’s after work activities include, but are not limited to, vomiting into her gold plated toilet, hacking into Erin’s bank account and then doing side-by-side comparisons to her own bank account, kicking puppies who aren’t on a leash, walking hunched over around her apartment, and pretending she’s going to give money to the homeless people on the street and right before she drops the coins in their cup she yells “psych!” and then swallows the coins instead.  Actually, get a camera on Olivia after work because if any of those things were to happen, I’d watch.
• Seriously, so when did Joe Zee Messina start banging Olivia?  No really?  When did this start?  Joe Zee invites Olivia to yet another party.  This time he’s hosting some event at Burgerdork John Goodman and wants Olivia to wear some designers dress that I can’t even begin to remember.  So basically Olivia was promoted from Accessories Assistant to “Girl Who Uploads Videos on the Elle.com Website” and now promoted to “Official Date of Joe Zee Messina?”  Sadly, showing up for random parties seems to be the thing that Olivia is most qualified for and excels at.  Basically she’s Elle’s paid Socialite.  Works for me.
• The party at Burgerdork John Goodman looks like a real snooze.  First off, all the rusted boxes that weren’t interested in Whitney’s clothing line last season are there.  Second, there is some jazz band playing.  Third, Sammy is there.  Let’s just say that it’s the kind of party that I wouldn’t be able to raise up my arms due to excessive sweat stains, if you know what I mean.
• Quote of the Night:  When Whitney is talking to Sammy about wanting to show Joe Zee her new line she says, “…like I want the day to come where I show my stuff to Joe Zee.  Like, I bring in my rack, and I roll it right past Olivia’s desk.”  Haha awesome!  I, too, can’t wait for the day when Whitney shows Joe Zee her rack.
• The random dude from Page Six is at this party too and he chats up Olivia and Joe Zee about Erin and what Olivia does at Elle.  That’s an answer that no one but the IRS knows.  After he walks away, Joe Zee tells Olivia that he thinks the Page Six guy was “smitten” with her.  Olivia, of course, replies, “I’m amusing, what can I tell you?”  Yes.  Yes Olivia.  Yes Olivia you are amusing.  You are as amusing as a reenactment of the Holocaust during Passover.
• Whitney is putting together her skirts and accessories over at Glamour and Roxy show up late looking more like Stephanie Pratt than ever before.  Have we ever talked about this?  Why not?  She is absolutely the dark hair version of Steph Pratt.  Anypigtails, as Whitney pulls together the looks and Roxy basically makes fun of them, she may have crossed the line when she said that it looked like “hooker, but not hooker hooker…more like Britney Spears hot.”  Huh?  Was she calling Britney a hooker or not?  I’m confused, per usual.
• Back at (h)Elle, Erin Jo is doing kicks with her J Lo shoes (no joke) and I’m pretty sure that Joe Zee is wearing Olivia’s leather jacket.  I’m sure they did a swap at the sleepover last night.  Anyway, Joe Zee is pumped because Page Six mentioned Elle in their column and, more specific, they mentioned Alexis’ new role thanks to the handy work of one Ms. Erin Jo.  Olivia kind of has that “keep the puke in” look that Erin usually has while talking to Olivia.  Funny how the roles are reversed.  Oh, and Alexis looks so uncomfortable during this meeting…she’s squirming around like she’s about the have projectile diarrhea at a moments notice.  That would have made for a nice end to the scene.  Congrats Erin!  However, work like this will never get you invited to a Joe Zee slumber party.  You should focus more on walking with your head down in the hallway and giving “air kisses” to everyone you meet.  Just some free career advice.  You’re welcome.
• In the end, Kelly Cutrone meets with Whitney and Roxy to put Roxy in her place as an “assistant” and tells her she’s a freak and if she wants to be a freak she’ll pay the price.  Words of wisdom by Kiki Cutrone.  When is she getting her own t-shirt line?

Well another crapisode of The City has come and gone.  Spread the word!

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The City Recap: Fergie’s Cover of Elle AND Olivia Apparently Cloned Herself. Que Suerte!

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Another crapisode of The City hot off the press, whatever in the holy hell that means.  This week, like an episode of Laverne and Shirley, Fergie is guest starring and Whitney is still shooing the ever loving piss out of her look book.  Can’t people just go online for that?  Here’s what went down on the most recent episode of La Ciudad!

• I love when we kick things off at (h)Elle Magazine with Joe Zee Messina, Erin Jo, and Olivia all in the same room together trying to make decisions.  If this was olden days (or even “days of yore,” or “yesteryear”) I have a feeling that Olivia would be on the first catapult over the stone wall and Erin Jo would be the one cutting the rope with an axe.  Just me?  Moving on.
• Everyone, especially that one lady with the “boys regular” haircut is losing their mind over the fact that Fergie is going to be on the cover.  Joe Zee wants people to, literally, do projectile Shasta McNasty in their pants when they walk by a news stand and scream, “Oh my God is that Fergie!?”  I’m pretty sure we could reach that goal if they just refused to do any airbrushing and/or photoshop on her.  Anyway, Olivia is, for some reason, dressed like Martha Washington in this scene and may or may not be awake.
• Olivia makes this rocket science suggestion that Fergie should wear a ring that Olivia just happens to have on right then and there.  Let’s just thank Santa Christ that Olivia wasn’t holding a plate of ham sandwiches or I’m sure Fergie would have been dressed in ham.  Oh and I’m kidding about the ham sandwiches thing.  Olivia doesn’t eat.
• Erin Jo is wishing Joe Zee all the best and will see him in sunny LA, but Joe Zee keeps Olivia behind to talk to her and Joe gives Erin “the eye” that almost subtly says, “Ugh, I don’t want Olivia to not like me, even though I’m her boss, yet I’m afraid she’ll shoot the place up one day and I haven’t solidified my escape route yet.  What do I do?”  At least that’s what I think he’s trying to say.  Although his actual words tell Olivia that she needs to be consistent and that she’s not going to LA.  He says she knows why, but I don’t know why.  Maybe LA has an official ban on all things toothpicks?  It’s a real toss up.
• Meanwhile back over on the other show that’s being filmed at Pubic Rev, Whitney is literally stealing ideas from Vogue magazine for her very own look book.  See you in court, Whito.
• Kelly Cutrone, who has the kind of spring in her step that suggests midgets may be tickling her “down there,” is talking to Whitney about her going out with that random, yet “brave” war photographer.  Kelly likes the idea that he’s French and she also lets Whitney know that she can take this opportunity to learn the language and “get banged.”  Her words, not mine.  I’m classy so I probably would have said something like, “do boom boom” or “Spring clean the front lawn.”  I’m neat like that.  Whitney and Roxy Horror are in stitches over this comment and they slap each other five and that’s when I see it.  Her.  An Asian girl in the background.  Laughing.  What?  I thought The City and The Hills had a strict “whites only” policy?  I’m glad to see they’re slowing letting others into the mix.  Although, Joe Zee is of a different race…but I kind of feel like he’s on a different show.
• I’m officially pissed off.  Who the F is this Seth character and why are they showing his name like he’s a central character?  He’s Rita Wilson’s assistant, but still.  That should be my job.  I mean, sure I don’t know anything about fashion but sometimes I do wear shorts in the summer and, well, that should qualify me for something, right?  I want to be Olivia’s assistant where I would just constantly say to her throughout the day, “Are you a F’n joke?,”  “Are you F’n serious right now?” and then I would probably constantly hold a mirror up to her several times during the day and say, “Look at yourself right now.  You should be ashamed.”  I’d then put the mirror under her nose just to make sure she was breathing.  It’s hard to tell when she’s sitting at her empty desk that I’m pretty sure still has a “Welcome New Hire!” packet placed on her chair.  Phew that was a lot.
• Seth asks Olivia if she’s heading to LA and Olivia laughs like Lucille Ball just dug herself out of her grave and started doing standup in the accessories room.  Olivia lets us all know that she’s staying in the NYC office because she has many important things to do.  If this was taped in front of a live studio audience the crowd right now would be reacting to the applause sign.  What important thing does she have to do that doesn’t consist of her “hallway runway walks” and her “looking down at all times when someone is talking to her?”  I mean, besides those two things how could she even find the time to do anything else?
• Joe Zee Messina and Erin Jo land in LA and are having a little breakfast at the hotel (minus the food) and are talking about all things Olivia.  Joe Zee still thinks that Olivia can “pull some good pieces” and Erin Jo thinks it’s not enough to keep a job.  Let me help them clear this up.  I “pulled some good pieces” during the majority of my teenage years, sure it was my own piece, but still, practice makes perfect.  And you wanna know what I didn’t get out of it?  A job.  So I have to agree with Erin Jo.  Although, if Joe Zee ever fired my little Olivia I would be pissed.  You hear me?
• So, uh, Whitney is either dressed up for her date with that random photographer, Jonathan, or she’s auditioning for the role of a Solid Gold dancer.  I’m not kidding. She has what I can only assume is Christmas tinsel in her hair.  The good news, however, is that Whitney takes her first ride on a motorcycle and, to my surprise, didn’t throw herself off of it in absolute fear and panic.
• Their date kind of sucks, but mostly because this douchey-come-lately is talking about “war.”  Oh it gets better.  He’s also talking about drinking bacteria water in some random village and getting sick.  Mmm romantic.  If I were Whito, I would have said, “Well I guess then you won’t mind this” and then I would have lifted one leg and farted  on the chair.  I would have, of course, excused myself and said it was due to “bacteria water” because I, my friends, am a true gentleman.
• Sidenote, Jonathan should date Olivia.  Imagine that conversation?  I’m sure paramedics would have to be on stand-by hitting them with those electric paddles to bring them back to life every 60 seconds.  Clear!
• Well it’s time for Erin Jo and Joe Zee Messina to dress up Fergie for her photo shoot.  Fergie loves the skank outfit and dragon diamond that Olivia picked out for her and Erin Jo looks none too pleased.  If I were her I would have said, “Yeah Fergie, that diamond ring looks great.  It’ll really make your cameltoe pop.”  And then I would have lifted my shirt and pretended I was honking the horn like a truck-driver of an 18 wheeler does.  That’s just me though, perhaps the rest of you would have reacted differently.
• At the end, Erin Jo likes the cover where Fergie looks less rotted and Joe Zee likes the cover where Fergie looks airbrushed within an inch of her life.  Which cover will they choose?  We will never know.  Oh wait, no we will.  We will know.  Well, those of us with eyes will know and those of us who are blind will just have to ask someone which cover was chosen and then pray to God that person is telling the truth.  It was, it was…..soap poisoning!
• Meanwhile, like a girl who just snuck out of homeroom to go make out with her football boyfriend under the bleachers, Seth calls up Erin Jo to sassily tell her that Olivia is nowhere to be found and that he thinks she went to lunch with Alexis the new fashion director.  Oh no!  But who will run all of Olivia’s reports and update all her spreadsheets, charts, graphs, and projections while she’s gone?!  The business is sure to fail.  Oh well, I guess if someone needs a necklace they’re just going to have to literally pick it up from the pile of necklaces themselves.  What a world.  The unemployment rate is still at like 9.9%.  Just sayin’.
• Oh God.  Either Olivia is having lunch with her cloned self or that really is Alexis Bryan Morgan, the new Fashion Director.  Regardless I’m sure this lunch will consist of picking at lettuce with a fork while never letting it enter your mouth and sleepy smiles.  What do ya know?  I’m right!
• Honestly this lunch is soooo bad it’s actually good.  Not only do these two schmucks kind of look like each other, but they’re dressed like each other, are sitting the same way as each other and have the same lifeless monotone voice as each other.  If  Joe Zee wants to fire Olivia can he just hire Alexis instead?  Fair swap, I think.  And they sound like those two SNL characters that do “Delicious Dish.”  You know, the radio hosts (Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer) that just keep saying, “good times, yeah, good times.”  Brilliant.
• Alexis asks Olivia how it is working with Erin, to which Olivia replies, “It’s good. She does what she does and I do what I do.”  That’s code for, “She works and I don’t.”  We’re all clear on that right?  I was waiting for her to end it with a good old fashion Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”
• On the ride home from the Fergie shoot, Erin Jo and Joe Zee are, once again, talking about Olivia.  Joe Zee still thinks Olivia is a gift sent from Jesus Claus and Erin…well…Erin….not so much.  I’m pretty sure if this show was on HBO or Showtime, Erin would be telling Joe Zee to go F his mother and then she’d hit him in the head with a shovel and toss him into the trunk of the black Lincoln that they’re driving.  However, since this is just MTV, Erin Jo says that “Olivia did a great job” but she looks like her teeth are about to shatter into a million little pieces as she says it.  The one thing, I have to say, missing from this entire episode is Erin’s facial expressions.  I mean, if they’re going to edit them out I’m not watching.  However, nevertheless, therefore, and so on, since I want to elevate my loser status I made sure to make the facial expressions whilst Joe was saying all of this.  I think I’m getting pretty good at it too.
• Is Whitney still on this show?  Oh there she is.  She’s having Frenchy shoot her look book crap, I think, and decides to tell him she doesn’t have time to date right now.  He looks saddened by this.  Perhaps a little war photography will cheer him up!
• In the end, it’s the big unveiling of the new cover of Elle magazine.  Which Fergie will stain the cover?  Trashy Fergie or Classy Fergie?  Seth seems to be on team Olivia and wishes her good luck.  I would have assumed he was just trying get on her good side to, you know, bang her and junk, but I have a feeling that’s not his angle.  Also, is Olivia wearing army fatigues?  I hope she’s getting shipped off to war!  Maybe Jonathan can shoot her?  You know, either with his camera just good old fashion bullets.
• Drum roll please………and the Elle cover is…….Erin Jo’s cover of Fergie looking classy(ish).  Congrats!  I would say Olivia looks displeased but, let’s face it, I’m sure she has no idea what’s going on, what this meeting is about, what the cover means, and even where she is for that matter.  Erin is smiling from ear to ear and Seth give her a “good job” mouthing.  Looks like Seth may have won himself a free motorboating with Erin but, again, doubtful.  And for some reason as Olivia leaves the boardroom and Erin is smiling they start playing “Sweet Dreams are Made of These” by the Eurythmics.  I’m not entirely sure why, but it was a good choice.  Also, I suck.

Things I liked in this crapisode:  Olivia and her clone having a snoozefest lunch, Erin Jo getting the cover, Whitney on a motorcycle, and Kelly Cutrone telling Whitney it’s good to get banged.

Things I didn’t like in this crapisode:  Not enough facial expressions from Erin Jo, Joe Zee Messina talking a regular pace,  Seth taking my job as reality show assistant.

I’d also like to take a second to say hello to all the folks (the 2 of you) at Elle who I hear may or may not be reading the craptastic recraps.  Spread the word…and, possibly, other things too.  You’ll know what I mean.

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The City Recap: “You Know Where Nice People End Up? On Welfare.” ~ Kelly Cutrone

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• Sammy Gap Tooth (SGT) has invited Whitney and Roxy Horror out for a fancy-pants breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner.  I’m not really sure what meal it is as Roxy Horror is complaining that she wants coffee and breakfast and Whitney is whining that she wants a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Remember when you had to have a talent of be interesting to be on television?  Now, apparently, you just need to be able to read menu items and you get your own show.  Keep bombing us, terrorists.  I get it now.
• Olivia, wearing what I can only assume is a magicians cape, is meeting with one of the Elle directors to inform them that she wants to feature her friends business on Elle.com.  Her friend has a line of precious stones and, to be honest, I have no idea what that means but both Olivia and the director squeal with delight like pigs who just escaped the slaughter house.  Are precious stones only found in the remote depths of the rain-forest?  No idea.  Don’t wanna know, don’t care.  Fine, I’ll look it up.
• Meanwhile, we’re following along with Whitney as she gets her fashion line shot by some random photographer named Jonathan.  There’s a few crucial things you need to know in this scene.  (1) Whitney is wearing those horrific leggings that she made her sweatshop sewer, Michelle, make for her while she poured hot water on her and poked her with toothpicks in a previous episode.  (2) There are random models modeling Whitney’s clothes, which made me think of whatever happened to Sleepy Time Allie from season one.  Remember her?  Moment of silence.
• When Erin Jo Buttafucco introduced Jonathan, the photographer, to Whitney he looks like he’s ready to commit “the rape” right then and there in front of everyone and on camera.  I don’t want to say he’s a Level Three, so I won’t.  Level Two perhaps.  Maybe Level One.  Which one is it where you don’t have to introduce yourself to your neighbors by law?
• Here she comes to save the day!  Kelly Cutrone is on the way.  On the sea or on the land. She’s got the situation well in hand!  Kiki Cutrone stops on by the photoshoot to (1) save the show and (2) make me the happiest blogger this side of the Mississippi.
• We learn that Jonathan has shot for Elle before, but he’s really a war photographer.  Sweet.  Uh, I know we’ve been in a recession and junk and jobs are hard to come by but, um, does he know that there’s still a war going on that he can shoot?  Yeah, there totally is.  Is it still called the Gulf War?  I have no idea, I’m not good with math.  So maybe he should take advantage of this war and shoot it because I’m sure we’ll be done with this war by 2029 so, well, time is ticking.  Whitney on the other hand is so impressed with this photographer because she calls him “brave.”  That’s right Whitney, he’s the real hero.  I’m the brave one for watching this crap and then writing about it.  Where’s my Purple Heart because all I have is this here black one.  Hey-oh!
• Anycrap, Olivia decides not to go interview Whitney for the website and Erin Jo has to tell Whito and Kiki Cutrone that Olivia doesn’t want to support Whitney’s line.  This sets Kelly off.  Besides yelling, “Who gives a f*ck about Olivia’s opinion?!” she then says, “I’m going to come up like a shark underneath a glass bottom boat and whip the sh*t out of her.”  Ok I totally get it, but do sharks come up from under glass bottom boats with a whip in their hand to assault the people on the boat?  I always assumed they used their 15 rows of teeth to bite the people on the boat.  Now in all fairness I haven’t been on a boat in a while and I’m sure sharks have really evolved over the years so I’m sure Kelly is right.  Now I have images of Kelly Cutrone snorkeling with a whip in her hand looking for girls in the water who have their period and just start whipping them.
• The “next day” Olivia and Erin Jo are having one of their famous “Cubical Sass-Off’s.”  This consists of Erin Jo asking Olivia why she bailed on Whitney’s dumb photoshoot and Olivia telling Erin Jo that it’s none of her business and that she’s not going to discuss it further.  Here’s the thing, Olivia, you’re on a television show and we’re going to need to hear you speak.  So use your words, please, because we can only watch so much of you walking up the hallway with your head bobbing up and down while you look down at the ground.  I mean, it is riveting, but we’re no longer in the days of Charlie Chaplin.  Movies and television now have sound.  I believe you’re technically in what they call a “talkie.”  So start talkie-ing.
• Roxy Horror is going out with that random dude, Zach, from the last episode.  Yawn.  Next.
• The next day (again) at Elle, Joe Zee Messina is caught up in a sassy huff while he pretty much yells at Olivia for not showing up for Whitney.  You know he’s made because he starts speaking upwards of 210 mph and his hands are flailing all over the place.  At one point I just assumed he was directing traffic in the middle of Times Square.  Anycrap, Joe Zee tells Olivia to invite Whitney to lunch and smooth things over, unless she doesn’t want to work there any more.  Oh no you didn’t.  Oh yes you did.  I looked down at my DVR and I’m pretty certain I saw it do a “z snap” after Joe was finished with his rant.
• I love this.  We get to watch the rough edit of Olivia’s video from when she interviewed that annoying girl with the precious stones.  It’s awesome.  Olivia is stuttering and making no sense at all.  Erin Jo is watching this and she looks like she’s witnessed a puppy getting killed, gutted, stuffed with 1,000 bags of cocaine, and then carried like a purse onto a plane going from Columbia to NYC on a non-stop flight where the movie is “Made in Manhattan.”  Just sayin’.  In cased you’re confused, Erin Jo looked horrified.  Therefore, she decides to tell the editor to stop editing this crap and that they’re not putting it on the site.  Sweeeeeeeet.
• Meanwhile, Roxy Horror is telling Whitney to put Olivia in her place for not showing up to her fashion line shoot.  This is when Kelly Cutrone comes in and gives Whitney some great advice.  She tells her to “take this b*tch out.”  Awesome.  She also tells Whitney to let this toxic b*tch know that she will fight back.  However, probably one of the best Kelly Cutrone quotes that has ever been said takes place now.  In regards to Whitney being too nice Kelly says, “You know where nice people end up?  On welfare.”  Seriously, they should have ended the show right then and there.  Fade to black and call it a day.
• In the end Whitney does meet Olivia for an awkward lunch where Whitney wants to talk about what happened and Olivia is brushing it off.  To my surprise Whitney won’t let her off the hook and tells her that her excuses don’t mean anything to her.  Olivia does her typical “I’m not engaging in this conversation right now” and Whitney tells her that she looks like a bitch.  This is where Olivia gets up and leaves (probably edited) and Whitney calls her a coward.  With her hair she kinda does look like the Cowardly Lion, so, good call Whitney!

I have such a hard time figuring out what is fake in this show and what is real.  Here’s what I think is real:  Kelly Cutrone and Erin Jo.  Fake: Roxy and her date.  Real: Whitney has a clothing line.  Fake: Olivia really having any responsibility at Elle.  Real: Erin does work there and hates Olivia.

Well, that concludes another crapisode of The City.  It’s like we’re all a part of history.

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The City Recap: Olivia Knows How to Answer the Phone. I Smell a Promotion!

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Welcome to The City recap!  Unlike The Hills, no one seems to be on drugs, well, except Olivia who seems to be on enough tranquilizers to stop a charging rhino.  This week we get to see Whitney show her rags off to some magazine people (and the MTV cameras) and Roxy might be getting banged in a van from some new photographer who may or may not be a real live person.  You’ll have to watch and see.  Like Kelly Cutrone after a few tequila shots, this is what went down last night:

• Starting out an episode of The City with anyone else but Kelly Kiki Cutrone is just stupid.  Kiki busts into Pubic Revolution like a black bat out of hell to share with Whitney and Roxy the great reviews that Whitney got from her very first fashion show.  Everyone at Pubic Rev claps when Kiki reads the glowing reviews at 100 mph and Whitney reacts like she’s just won an Oscar.  Roxy, on the other hand, looks like smoke is coming out of her head while trying to understand (a) what Kelly Cutrone is reading and (b) why noise is coming from peoples hands when they bang them together.
• It’s always interesting looking at the people at Pubic Rev because no one looks familiar.  What happened to the cast of characters that sat in those same spots during Bravo’s “Kell on Earth?”  And, not for nothing, but how come we never saw Roxy and/or Whitney during that show as they are technically sitting directly next to Kelly’s assistant Andrew Muckandmall?  I’m a tool for even noticing that.  Carry on.
• Later, a new photographer stops by Pubic Rev to chat it up with Kiki.  His name is Zach and he kinda looks like if Robert Patterson and Rocky Dennis had a baby…and then that baby grew up…and then that person still wore toddler sized clothes.  While Zach Dennis is showing his naked photographs he took of people on the subway to Kiki, Roxy is almost falling off her chair to try and listen to what they’re talking about.  Maybe she just can’t balance and film scenes at the same time.  One may never know.  Finally Kiki invites Roxy in to her “meeting” and allows Roxy to have more responsibility by helping out Zach on his upcoming photo shoot.  I’m sure this is code word for “reach around.”  The whole Pubic Rev office has a laugh when Roxy suggests that Whitney wants to get naked for for Zach and Whitney squeals with delight. What fun.
• The “next day” Whitney and Kiki are showing her collection (giggity) to a bunch of random editors/press from random magazines.  I believe the magazines were Teen Beat, Tiger Beat, Word Up, and Mad Libs.
• Roxy has to faux-call Olivia over at Elle Magazine to see if she would like to attend the collection showing in about 10 minutes.  This is when the sass-off begins.  Olivia is pissed that Roxy would call last minute like this and Roxy claims she emailed Olivia earlier about it and was hoping she would be willing to do this for Whitney since she knows her.  Olivia leaves in a huff and tells Erin that Roxy is extremely unprofessional.  This is coming from a girl whose work desk is empty and tumbleweed blows by on the regular. Erin doesn’t disappoint and gives a huge sigh, a bit of a crooked smile, and a half eye roll.  She must be warming up her face for some big reactions later in the crapisode.  As a sidenote, I know I give Erin Jo Buttafucco a lot of sh*t, but I really kind of like her.  Like, I think we could be friends in real life, you know, if she didn’t know how to read and never saw this site before.  I kind of think that this is how Elodie from The Hills would have turned out had she stuck around for a little while longer.  Good old Elodie.  Friend til the end.
• Roxy and her new photographer boyfriend, who are both basically sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g, are picking out clothes for his random street photo shoot.  Wait a second, is Zach really Ozzy Bobby (Jay) from season 1 with a shorter haircut and without his Australian accent?  Hmmm, we’re gonna need to go to Maury to take a DNA.
• Meanwhile at Whitney’s collection showing for the random editors everyone loves her clothes and wants to put them on right now and make dirty boom boom in them right then and there.  Speaking of dirty boom boom, Olivia shows up and brings a wondrous vibe of douche with her.  She kicks things off by throwing Roxy Horror under the bus right in front of Kiki Cutrone for calling last minute. Since Olivia didn’t bring her camera like everyone else did, she’s forced to take a “look book.”  Seriously, does Olivia have any idea how to do her job or any job (minus blow) for that matter?  Doubtful.  When Kiko Palooza suggests that Olivia interview Whitney for her “up and coming designers” blog Olivia just turns her back to her and looks at the rack of clothes.  I’m sure this scene was edited within an inch of its life, but obviously Olivia, in real life, couldn’t give two shiz’s about how she’s portrayed as she keeps coming back season after season like a pesky case of herpes.  If I were taking the SAT’s right now I’d be in the section that says something like:  Olivia is to The City as Herpes is to Unpleasant Moments.  I have no idea.  I think I got a 790 on my SAT’s.  Go figure.
• Roxy Horror and Zach are out in the Meat Packing District trying to get random people on the street to be models for the day and have their picture taken.  Let me tell you something,  I know exactly where they are shooting this and you can find me out there 5 days a week eating my lunch outside and never do I see Whitney, Roxy, a random photographer, or an MTV camera crew out there. And, trust me, I’m looking.  Everyday.  5 days a week.  Specifically for a camera crew.  Any camera crew.  Even a tourist from Iowa taking a “vacation home movie.” Blah.  Why can I never have the luck of having Roxy come up to me and then throw me into a van to get changed and then take pictures as I jump off stuff?  Not fair.
• At the end of the street photo shoot Zach asks Roxy out.  Well, he technically asks her what her “situation” is.  At this point I assumed we were going to go into a commercial for Jersey Shore, but it didn’t happen.  Roxy reacts to this question like he asked her if her vaginastein had icicles hanging off of it right now.  Will these two get together?  Who cares.  Will I end up writing about them next week?  Probably.  Will Roxy ever admit that she is also a real-life actress and has appeared on Brothers and Sisters and doesn’t really need this fashion internship?  Doubtful.
• Back at Elle Magazine, Olivia fills in Erin on how much she hated (basically) Whitney’s collection and how she’s not going to do anything with Whitney’s fashion line since there was no real theme.  When Olivia tells Erin that she’s going to pass on working with Whitney and “that’s going to be it”  Erin doesn’t disappoint by making a face that looks like she’s about to projectile vomit all over Olivia after having 5 tequila shots and 2 burritos.  Personally, I just want to see an entire episode of Erin making faces and then we have to guess what situation she’s in.  Someone make this happen.
• In the end, Joe Zee Messina is having in monthly department meeting (I assume) where everyone goes around the table and talks about all the great things they’re working on.  That is, until it’s Olivia’s turn and she once again makes excuses on why she doesn’t have anything to show for.  Joe Zee Messina looks very sad and disappointed like he just watched someone snap his cats neck in front of him while he was sitting on Santa Claus’ lap as Santa suffered a heart attack and his beard fell off exposing him as the mall security guard the whole time.  Just me?
• Erin throws Olivia under the bus during the meeting and talks about how she really liked Whitney’s fashion line and then everyone else chimes in saying how much they liked it as well.  Erin tosses Joe Zee Whitney’s look book and Olivia looks like she’s going to take off her toothpick legs and stab Erin with them and then crawl out of the boardroom on her hands and waist.
• Joe Zee Messina also loves Whitney’s junk and asks Olivia why she looks so underwhelmed by it.  I think he meant to ask Olivia why she looks so malnourished not underwhelmed.  It’s ok Joe, we all make mistakes like that once in a while.  I don’t though.  I mean, you run a magazine and stuff. So, well, get it together.
• Finally, back at Pubic Rev, Kelly tells Whitney that Elle Magazine has confirmed Whitney to be featured on some random website and Roxy Horror tells Whitney that she now owes Olivia a favor.  Perhaps a sexual favor?  If so, I hope Whitney likes licking toothpick and, you know what, I’m pretty sure she does.  I’m. Pretty. Sure. She. Does.

The End!

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The City Recap: Whitney Owns a Sweatshop and Kelly Cutrone Cries

Cowbell, cowbell, cowbell.  Oh, and cowbell.  The City is back like a case of crabs that you’ve come to know, expect, but aren’t overly psyched to see each and every week.  What I mean is that the break was nice.  Was that not clear?  Also, I don’t have crabs.  Now that we’ve taken care of these housekeeping items, let’s see just exactly what went down on the season premiere of The City…

• Whitney and Roxy Horror are out and about at the fabric store to cut some stuff up because, well, Whitney is having a fashion show at Bryant Park during Fashion Week and only has about 25 minutes to create 24 looks, cast models, and press “shuffle” on her iPod so that the music is taken care of.  Through the magic of television I’m sure this is going to go off without a hitch.  As a sidenote, Roxy Horror is dressed like she gang raped 1980’s Madonna on the way to the fabric store.
• Meanwhile over at Elle Magazine, Joe Zee Messina is in quite the hurried huff when talking to Olivia and her toothpick-like legs about crap that happened at the Today Show, like 8 months ago.  No joke, he says, “So I haven’t had a chance to talk to you about what happened at the Today Show but….”  Really?  No chance?  Couldn’t find about 5 minutes over the course of the 8 months that you weren’t filming this show?  Way to follow up, Joe Zee Messina, way to follow up.  Anyway, Joe Zee is all pissed off that last season Erin Jo Buttafucco and Olivia gave him an ultimatum.  So, to fix the faux-problem between Erin and Olivia, Joe Zee is thinking that she should take Erin and her face full of eye-rolls out for coffee to smooth things over.  Why do I have a feeling that Olivia doesn’t drink coffee, but blood only?
• Oh hey good news, you guys!  Even with the economy in the absolute crapper, Whitney owns an Asian sewing sweatshop!  Hooray for giving people jobs even if they are chained to their desk and forced to sew Whitney Port clothes at all hours of the night.  Illegal in some countries, just not ours.  Whitney’s “pattern makers” look like they are afraid for their lives when Whitney asks them to finish on time for the fashion show.  Seriously, if I were them I’d just go to the clearance rack in the “intimates” department at Walmart, buy a few things, and then show them to Whito and tell her that they’re all done.
• I miss Sleepy-time Allie from Season One.  I wonder what she’s up to now, you know, besides taking a cozy sleepy little coke-induced nap?
• Well, well, well.  Why in the holy hell is Rita Wilson playing the role of the head boss at Elle?  I kid (because I’m already bored with this).  The big boss is actually Robbie Myers and she’s dressed like she’s ready to attend the Oscars, yet she’s just at work.  However, let’s give her a little credit for knowing her audience because she is definitely rocking the freakin’ Snooki poof.
• Joe Zee Messina heads into a meeting with Rita Wilson and you can tell he’s totally doing Shasta McNasty in his pants when he has to talk to her.  I feel like Rita Wilson would use her pointy high heel to scrape the skidmarks out of  Joe’s underpants and then make him lick it.  And he would.  Allegedly.  Anypoof, when Joe Zee Messina spills the beans like a school girl in heat about the confrontation between Olivia and Erin, Rita Wilson is not pleased at all and she calls someone and tells them to send Erin in right away.  No last name, just “Erin.”  I’m sure after Rita Wilson said that the person on the other end of the line finished saying, “…and 20 seconds.  The temperature is 50 degrees, Fahrenheit.  Beep.”
• Yay Erin Jo Buttafucco is back!  I missed like the deserts miss the rain….except during flood season and I don’t even know if that exists but I’m sticking with it.  Rita Wilson slaps on her sh*t eating grin and tells/asks Erin that she’s not going anywhere.  Why do I feel like she says the same thing to the worm at the bottom of her tequila bottle every night when she’s taking swigs of it in the bathtub and crying about all the past lovers she’s lost?  It may be a hunch, but I think I’m on to something.
• In order to solve the problem between Olivia and Erin Jo, they decide to promote Olivia to “Girl Who Uploads Videos of Herself on the Website.”  What luck!  And, because Erin Jo is a publicist, she’ll be working even closer with Olivia which is great for us and all mankind.
• Meanwhile, we make a brief stop at Pubic Revolution which is always a pleasure.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, put Kelly Cutrone on every single show that airs in the United States and overseas.  At least for a few minutes.  This time around Kelly gives Whitney some words of advice about how quickly the fashion show will go by.  She says that you prepare for weeks and then it’s over in 3 minutes….like a bad f*ck.  Awww Kelly, clean it up!  I’m kidding, make it raunchier.  She should have flashed her rack and wiggled her tongue when she said it.  Long live Cutrone!
• When Whitney is casting her models for the show, Kiki Cutrone stops on by for just enough time to ask Roxy Horror if she’s even paying attention because she could learn a lot from this process.  Roxy looks like she’s having a hard time listening to her iPod and balancing on her chair at the same time, so I’m going to let her off the hook this time. Also, I think that moving forward every time Kiki Cutrone gives Roxy sh*t she should end her statement with, “Zing!” And then possibly, “Suck my kiss, bitch!”  I could write one-liners for Kiki all the live long day.
• It’s now Olivia’s first day of her “new job” as a video blogger and she has to go backstage to ask a designer some questions.  This should be quite the sh*tshow, but sadly it’s not.  Olivia actually does a good job asking questions and being in the know.  I mean, she still has the overall personality of the ice-cream stain on my couch, but I digress.
• Yes!  We’re back at Whitney’s Sewing Sweatshop!  I already love it there.  This time the poor little pattern sewer lets Whitney know that the material for the leggings didn’t stretch, so she couldn’t make her leggings for the show. Oh hell no!  Whitney picks out material (that isn’t even hers) right at the sweatshop and then demands the poor little sewer to make her leggings in time for the fashion show…tomorrow.  Aww, the poor sewer.  She looks malnourished, dehydrated, and delusional but Whitney still makes her stay and sew.  I believe she actually said, “I know, but I have no choice.”  And then I’m sure when the cameras stopped rolling, Whitney continued by saying, And you have no choice either if you ever want to live in this country again!  I have INS on speed dial and my friend here, Roxy, is already getting the white van and handcuffs from the parking garage, so sew bitch!”
• Olivia and Erin Jo Buttafucco are having coffee/tea and are going to bury the hatchet.  Literally, Erin looks like she’s about to vomit during the entire conversation.  Olivia can barely look at her in the eye.  She looks for a second and then looks away…like she’s going to get hit.  I’m sure Tina Turner gave Ike that same look.  In the end, Erin tells Olivia that she thinks they’ll make a great team and then Erin looks like she farts, which I’ll assume she did.  What?  Sometimes coffee does that to you.
• Well, it’s the part that I couldn’t  care less about.  Whitney’s fashion show!  Backstage is a nightmare and Whitney is “copping the ‘tude” as Ricki Lake used to say in the mid 90’s.  All the models walk down the runway in clothes that look like they itch and will burst into flames at a moments notice.
• I’m sorry, come again?  Are those tears I see from Kelly Cutrone?  Why aren’t they black tears?  Anyway, way to make me feel like a complete a-hole for making fun of the fashion show.  What else am I supposed to do?  It’s what I do best.  Kelly cries and makes sure that Whitney takes a moment to take in all that she’s accomplished and has manifested for herself.  Pretty deep.  No really, it is.  Whitney thanks Kelly for making this happen and tells her that she’s Whitney’s family too.  That was nice.  Personally, I think she’s just trying to get into Cutrone’s Will, but that’s just me.

Well, there’s your recap.  Now print this out and line your birdcage with it. Oh, and pass it around if you like it.  Tell a friend, or two…but not three.

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The City Season 2 Preview: Best. Facial. Expressions. Ever.

So are we just pretending that there was never an actual Season One of The City and, therefore, this upcoming season is actually Season Two?  I’ll buy that.  MTV is promoting the newest season of The City as Season 2  (which premieres Tuesday, April 27th at 10:30 pm) and to be honest I have no idea what’s going on.  From what I can gather, Whitney’s new clothing line is being sold and she’s having a fashion show, which Blessed Mother Kelly/Kiki Cutrone is helping out with.  Olivia, the Sandy Duncan of our generation, has been promoted to a job at Elle Magazine in which she tells people to visit Elle.com (damn it, I just fell for it) and she even gets some camera time…in addition to the camera time she’s already getting on The City.  I guess it’s basically a show within a show.  If Snooki has proven us anything, it’s that you don’t need one shred of talent to make a name for yourself and earn a ton of money.  Olivia taught us that too, but at least she was nice to look at….like a stick figure in a Bazooka Joe comic strip in a gum wrapper.

What else?  Oh, Erin is back, so that’s good.  I’ve lost count of the number of eye rolls from the preview alone.  And, if I can shake my brain around my head enough, I think that Kelly Cutrone is courting Erin and perhaps she’ll go work for Cutrone, which ironically enough is a signal of the end of days.  Finally at the end, Whitney calls Olivia a bitch for not covering her new fashion line (I have no idea) and then who I can only assume is Rita Wilson (the wife of Tom Hanks) is in a meeting with Erin and telling her she’s not going anywhere.

Take a breath.  In fact, take a knee.  The new season actually looks good, but it may be because the music in the preview clip they’ve used reminds me of the same music they use during Intervention and, well, that makes me breathe fast enough to pass out.  Oh, and I also want to call it now that I bet all the “good scenes” take place during the last episode of the season.

Tune in to The City on April 27th and get ready for the official IBBB recap the next day.  Yeah, I’m still doing it.  It prevents me from jumping out my window.  Basically, The City saves my life.

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The City Recap Season Finale: Whitney Tries To Sell Her Clothes to the Rusted Boxes at Burgerdork John Goodman…At Least I think That’s What Happened.

 Another season of The City has come and gone.  Just when I was about to stop repeatedly punching myself in the nuts the entire time the show was on, I actually began to like watching it.  It’s the oldest story, I know.  So what will happen to our City friends?  Will Erin Jo be booked and charged for the brutal murder of Olivia Palermo?  Will Joe Zee Messina frantically explode?  Will Roxy Horror show us one last dance?  Will Kelly Cutrone legally adopt Whitney Port?  All this and less will be answered in the season finale recap of The City…

• Well good news for Whitney.  Kelly Cutrone, who is looking awfully tan in this episode, had got Whito a sales meeting with Burgerdork John Goodman.  I thought the last time she was there they laughed her out of the office, but apparently this time Whitney gets to flash her lookbook at them and see if they bite it.  That sentence was more sexual than I planned, but you know what, I’m keeping it in here because, well, I’m one classy son-of-a-shut-yo-mouth!
• Kelly believes that it will be a horrible idea if Whitney brings Roxy Horror to this high-powered sales meeting, but I disagree.  You totally know that Roxy is going to spew out some nonsense that will somehow make Whitney appear to be even smarter (or “wicked more smaaaaht” for those of you reading this in the Boston area).
• Cowbell Update:  They starting hitting the cowbell while Whitney was still in the middle of talking.  How do I get a cowbell to follow me around and just starting going-off when I have a good idea or something?  Can I hire an intern to do something like that?  Any takers?  Anyone want to play with my cowbell?  Not for money or anything. 
• I’d like to go on record (with Greta Van Susteren) that I like Brynn the intern or as I like to call her “Stacie the Intern” since I’m still convinced she is really Stacie the Pointless Bartender from The Hills.  Anyway, I like Stacie the Intern because she looks like she’s constantly shatting her pants every time she has to talk to Erin Jo Buttafucco.  She’s shaky when she talks….like a chipmunk.  Yes, chipmunks talk to me.
• Back over at Pubic Revolution, Roxy Horror can’t seem to understand why Kelly doesn’t want her going with Whitney to sell her clothing line.  Let me repeat that….to sell her clothing line.  Roxy, who is only on a TV show, may not be the best person to do this.  I mean, why not just get that guy off the street, who sold Olivia those designer bags in SoHo, to help Whitney?
• Roxy Horror heads into Kelly’s office to confront her and I’m pretty sure I saw cups of water shaking like in Jurassic park, as all of the workers in the office looked horrified, and a little confused.  Kelly goes off on Roxy asking her if she knew what skews SSB141 and things like “is that blanded or f.o.b” mean?  Seriously she was rattling enough codes off that I’m almost certain she is secretly signaling an al qaeda terrorist attack somewhere in the world.  However, my favorite part was when she told Roxy Horror that if she goes it would be like Lucy and Ethel in a bad Steven King film.  Bravo, bravo!  Kelly then kicks Roxy Horror out of her office and says the standard MTV reality show line, “I’m done, I’m done.”
• Obviously none of that conversation sunk in because Roxy Horror is helping Whitney with her Burgerdork John Goodman sales meeting.  And, as an added bonus, Kelly can’t make the meeting and Whitney says, “Ugh, she’s not cominK.”  It’s been a while since we’ve been lucky enough to hear Whito add the “k” where the “g” goes at the end of a word.  It must be stress related.  I have no clue, I’m just guessinK.
• However, Sam and the gap between her teeth is at the meeting and she’s explaining to Whitney who’s showing up for this high-powered meeting.  As she’s rattling off names we get to see these “no-nonsense business women” get out of their chauffeured cars.  I’m not impressed with them.  They all look like their boxes are rusted shut.  Pass.
• Meanwhile over on the other show, “Erin Jo and Olivia Fist-Fight Throughout Manhattan”  the gang is at the Today Show with Joe Zee Messina and he is losing his sh*t because he’s just about to go on air and has no idea what any of the models are wearing and what their “price-points” are.  I hate that I know what that term even means.  On the plus side, we get to see Hoda Kotbe and Snatchy Lee Gifford and, well, there are worse things to encounter in life.  Joe Zee Messina is talking at about 100 mph so there is only one person who can keep up with him and that is one Ms. Erin Jo, but she is nowhere to be found so, whilst on air, Joe Zee just tells Hoda that all the “looks” are under $100.00.  Erin Jo hears this and makes a face similar to the way you would react if you found a newborn baby in a basket on your front steps with a note and a rattle.  Olivia, on the other hand, looks like she’s watching paint dry.  Clearly, she gets it.
• Operation Sales Meeting Failure:  The rusted snatch women are critiquing Whitney’s poor fashions and they do not seem pleased at all.  Perhaps it’s all in the editing (go figure) but I think they called them mismatched, makes her look too large, and cheap fabric.  I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking Roxy interprets this feedback as “buying signs.”  Whitney ends the meeting with a shrug mixed with a sad face and says, “I’m learning.”  Way to fake it till you make it, Whit!
• Switching back to the Today Show, Joe Zee finishes up his segment and he and Erin Jo are talking so fast about what the F just happened that I’m pretty sure they just sold me a set of Micro-Machines.  As Erin Jo is talking smack about Olivia she walks directly into her and Olivia tells Joe Zee Messina that he did a good job.  The argument continues with who told whom about what and BLAH.  I’m sweating my ass off just listening to them.  At one point I dumped a small cup of water over my head and gave myself some orange slices and then wrapped myself in an aluminum foil cape.
• Olivia keeps saying that she bagged up all the clothes and the way she’s saying sounds like she’s trying to convince them that she just landed the plane in the Hudson River.  She’s like, “I bagged alll the clothes, they’re all bagged.  And I have the polaroids.”  Sweet!  When does she get awarded the key to the city!?
• The “next day” at the office, Joe Zee Messina, Erin Jo, and Olivia (whom I have no idea why I’ve never nicknamed her) are discussing the friction they have towards each other on a daily basis.  This is a pretty good scene because I like watching people fight.  It makes me feel better about myself.  The only thing I’m confused with is that I think that part of this scene was shot with Olivia and Erin Jo sitting next to each other, but then I think some of the parts were edited in when they were just one-on-one with Joe Zee.  You know what I mean?  Oh who cares?!  Anyway, Erin Jo starts ramping up to about 85 mph and then her eyes fill up a bit and she has to peace-out of the meeting before she gets “upset.”  They no longer know if they can work together moving forward.  Oh, you know what may help with that?  If MTV gives them another season and starts paying them “Heidi and Spencer” kind of money.  If not, Olivia will go back to having to deal with being an unemployed millionaire.  Erin Jo will be on the 6:00 news.
• In the end, Whitney meets with Kelly and she tells Whitney that she thinks that she should have  fashion show in Bryant Park during fashion week.  I guess basically this will either make or break Whitney’s career, but Kelly thinks this is a leap of faith.  If it doesn’t work she claims Whito’s career is over for good.  On the other hand, Kelly says she’ll take that risk with Whitney and if it bombs she’ll go down the drain with her. Awwwww.  Well, in New York City, they say Kelly Cutrone’s small heart grew three sizes that day.  And then the true meaning of helping came through and Kelly Cutrone found the strength of ten Cutrone’s, plus two!

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The City Recap: Criss-Cross Applesauce

 

 

• It’s always a wondrous sign from our Heavenly Father when Kelly Cutrone is in the opening scene for the crapisode.  This is typically when I smile from sideburn to crooked sideburn, grab a beer (or 10), and fasten the seat belt I’ve installed on my couch.  While I feel, a little, that Kelly lied to me since she is wearing brown and I thought she only wore black, I am comforted by the fact that she is helping the ever-loving piss out of Whitney’s fashion line.  I’m pretty sure Kelly is running the show and is allowing Whitney to sew her label in the clothes, but I digress.  It’s fun to see Whitney’s facial expressions whilst Kelly runs through her “to-do” list.  It looks like Whitney is trying to do Chinese long division, which I don’t even know exists, but if it does….that’s the look. 
• Once again, Kelly has the best advice and phrases.  When Whito-palooza says she wants Roxy Horror in charge of casting, Kelker Seltzer thinks it’s a bad idea and leave us with, “You have to put your best foot forward because if you don’t, the other one doesn’t get to follow.”  Seriously, brilliant.  I’m officially going on record by saying that Kelly needs her own t-shirt line with these sayings on them AND her own line of greeting cards from Hallmark.  If any of these things happen and I’m not thanked, I’m suing.
• It’s time for Whitney’s casting for her “look-book.”  When Kelly sees that Roxy Horror shows up she give Whito the side-eye, which I totally caught the second time I watched this.  The “models” that showed up for this are nightmare.  One girl, who surprisingly isn’t white, doesn’t have her portfolio yet because it’s “like in the mail.”  Kelly gives her a “ciao” and sends her on her way.  Up next is a girl who looks like she’s what I like to call “Weekend At Bernie’s” dead.  She can barely hold her head up and looks like she hasn’t eaten since her days of sucking down Gerber’s green beans (stage 2).  Kelly, lovingly, laughs in her face and then decides to stop wasting time and just goes up and down the line of girls who are left letting them know who can and can’t stay.  I’m sure if there was a follow up we would learn that 4 of the girls pissed themselves and 3 threw themselves in front of the E train.
• Yet another episode where we’re only 5 minutes in and I find this more interesting and entertaining than the entire current season of The Hills. 
• Kelly is pissed at Roxy Horror and pulls her aside to let her know that models suck and that the theme is “Fairy Tale Tea Party” and not “Gothic Nightmare.”  She continues on by telling her that if she wants to be the “super flying ranger in the song of redemption” then she needs to call in some more models STAT.  No joke, I want to meet Kelly and just have her yell at me and sh*t.  Ugh, what does that say about me!?
• Meanwhile on the other show, “Olivia and Erin Jo Take Fist Fight Manhattan” Erin Jo fills in Joe Zee Messina that they just locked down the Today Show for their A-Z looks.  I have no idea what any of that means, but Joe Zee is psyched and Erin Jo’s cheeks are flapping in the wind.  I’m assuming this is all good news.  Joe Zee Messina thinks this will be a ton of work and insists that Olivia helps out, to which Erin Jo laughs in his face and tosses in a few sarcastic comments.  I’m surprised she’s smiling, but I’m assuming she’s discovered the trick to not blowing up by jamming a wine cork up her old chooch-a-nella whilst doing kegels at the same time.  If she gets upset the cork shoots out like a bottle of champagne exploding and will put a hole in her foot like she’s just been shot at.  I say “discovered” but I really mean that I may have anonymously emailed her that tip that I made up.  Anyway, I think that’s what is keeping her happy.  Seriously, what the hell am I talking about?
• Uh-oh.  You guys, this isn’t going to be good.  Erin Jo is filling in Olivia on the Today Show segment and, well, Olivia is going to start “taking notes.”  Yowza.  I’m impressed that Olivia didn’t pick up the ruler on her desk and try to start writing with that.  Poor Olivia.  Erin Jo gives her the info and she’s writing soooo slooooow.  I bet my life that if she were to turn the paper around it would read, “DIE BITCH” on it and have nothing to do with the information needed.  Actually scratch that.  I bet she’s just filling out a Mad Libbs.  If she read it back it would say something like, “For the Today POOP Show be sure that the FARTS are all in proper fitting BOOBIES and look like they’re having the time of their DINKY.
• Anypassiveaggressive, Erin Jo is pissed that Olivia doesn’t look concerned or stressed at all.  I think that’s called, “Having Money.”
• Back over at the photoshoot, Roxy Horror is coming up with the worst ideas.  She wants to models to eat cupcakes, scream, and then have a food fight.  Whitney looks like she doesn’t know what any of these words mean and Kelly looks like she’s about to take a Shasta McNasty in her pants and then throw it at Roxy.  I’m all for that. 
• I guess I don’t understand the fashion world at all because they’re all psyched over how cute one of the girls is posing, but it looks to me like she’s either about to spit out her coffee or “something” else…if ya know what I mean. 
• Kelly decides to pull Roxy Horror to the side to fill her in on how the rest of the shoot will go.  This is when I chug the rest of my beer because I truly feel this will totally be elevated with a good buzz.  It is.  Kelly tells Roxy to stop giving her stupid ideas and let Whitney just keep moving forward.  She ends it by saying my favorite line of the episode/my life which is, “…no cake fights, no nothing.  Let’s just make it criss-cross applesauce and make it nice and clean.”  Can you nominate people for Emmy Awards because if so I will make it my lifes mission to get Kelly one.
• Whitney tries to motivate the models by saying, “We’re laughing and smiling and woo-hoo we’re having fun.”  She says it like she’s giving the eulogy at a funeral.  Hopefully mine.
• Since Roxy Horror has listening problems she instructs the models to pop open a bottle of champagne and “die laughing like it’s the funniest sh*t you’ve ever seen.”  Kelly obviously disapproves of this, but Roxy, obviously, makes them do it anyway.  The model pops the bottle and basically breaks some dishes, takes out an eye of one of the other models, and spills it all over her dress.  Is this fashion?  Am I learning?
• At the end of the shoot Roxy Horror smooths things over by having a cake fight with Whitney.  I’m enjoying this part because I’ve noticed that when Whitney laughs hard with her head tilted back she looks like a cartoon turtle and, well, that’s alright with me.
• Changing gears.  Uh, so is Stacie the Pointless Bartender from “The Hills” also the intern that works “for” Olivia?  I know it’s not, but the beer is telling me otherwise.  I also may have tossed on the beer goggles, but she looks pretty hot. Interns have to be at least 18 right?  Anyway, Olivia and “Stacie the Intern” are “pulling looks” (which is a term I’ve learned. Sometimes I “pull looks” off my apartment floor, sniff these “looks,” turn these “looks” inside out, and then wear these “looks” for the day) for the Today Show segment.  Stacie the Intern is all freaking out because Erin Jo scares her and Olivia has no clue what the hell she’s doing or where the F she is.  My guess is that Olivia thinks she inside a Christmas snow-globe.
• In a section of the show I like to call “Oh No She Just Did Not!”:  Olivia brings her “looks” back for Erin Jo to critique.  First off the clothes are about 10 sizes to small for the models, but Olivia seems to think this is fine.  Erin Jo, on the other hand, seems to think that this must signal a terrorist attack because she is piiiiiiised.  Olivia keeps saying that she disagrees with Erin Jo and Erin Jo flat out says she doesn’t care what Olivia thinks.  I like this.  I like awkward confrontation.  You know who I think doesn’t like it?  Stacie the Intern.  She looks like she got that feeling in your stomach when it feels like it drops down and you hear this insanely loud noise like a wolf growling so you run as fast as you can to the bathroom with your butt clinched together and then you’re  fumbling with your belt and doing a little dance and trying to pull your pants down and praying that you don’t sh*t inside your underwear and when you do finally sit on the toilet and let loose you are basically pissing out of your anus.  So, yeah, she kinda has “that look” on her face.  Too far?
• Olivia asks Erin Jo is she would talk to Joe Zee Messina the same way she is talking to her.  I’m pretty sure Erin Jo’s cork popped from her vaginastein because she starts squeaking about Olivia not being a creative director, etc.  She then sends Stacie the Intern out of the room, which is good for her because I’m almost certain she’s going to change her tights before the skid marks start to harden.
• In the end Erin Jo decides to vent to Stacie the Intern about the fight that just took place between her and Olivia.  Poor Stacie the Intern.  She’s trying so hard.  My blackened heart turned a slight shade of red for her.  Look, I love Erin Jo as much as the next, but she seems to always complain to the wrong people about her issues with Olivia.  First Cobra Starship and now Stacie the Intern?  Not cool.  Oh God I just legit analyzed a scene from this show without any jokes.  I must go now.  I must go.  I’m gone.

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