More Mindless Stories on ‘the city recaps’

The City Recap Season Finale: Whitney Tries To Sell Her Clothes to the Rusted Boxes at Burgerdork John Goodman…At Least I think That’s What Happened.

 Another season of The City has come and gone.  Just when I was about to stop repeatedly punching myself in the nuts the entire time the show was on, I actually began to like watching it.  It’s the oldest story, I know.  So what will happen to our City friends?  Will Erin Jo be booked and charged for the brutal murder of Olivia Palermo?  Will Joe Zee Messina frantically explode?  Will Roxy Horror show us one last dance?  Will Kelly Cutrone legally adopt Whitney Port?  All this and less will be answered in the season finale recap of The City…

• Well good news for Whitney.  Kelly Cutrone, who is looking awfully tan in this episode, had got Whito a sales meeting with Burgerdork John Goodman.  I thought the last time she was there they laughed her out of the office, but apparently this time Whitney gets to flash her lookbook at them and see if they bite it.  That sentence was more sexual than I planned, but you know what, I’m keeping it in here because, well, I’m one classy son-of-a-shut-yo-mouth!
• Kelly believes that it will be a horrible idea if Whitney brings Roxy Horror to this high-powered sales meeting, but I disagree.  You totally know that Roxy is going to spew out some nonsense that will somehow make Whitney appear to be even smarter (or “wicked more smaaaaht” for those of you reading this in the Boston area).
• Cowbell Update:  They starting hitting the cowbell while Whitney was still in the middle of talking.  How do I get a cowbell to follow me around and just starting going-off when I have a good idea or something?  Can I hire an intern to do something like that?  Any takers?  Anyone want to play with my cowbell?  Not for money or anything. 
• I’d like to go on record (with Greta Van Susteren) that I like Brynn the intern or as I like to call her “Stacie the Intern” since I’m still convinced she is really Stacie the Pointless Bartender from The Hills.  Anyway, I like Stacie the Intern because she looks like she’s constantly shatting her pants every time she has to talk to Erin Jo Buttafucco.  She’s shaky when she talks….like a chipmunk.  Yes, chipmunks talk to me.
• Back over at Pubic Revolution, Roxy Horror can’t seem to understand why Kelly doesn’t want her going with Whitney to sell her clothing line.  Let me repeat that….to sell her clothing line.  Roxy, who is only on a TV show, may not be the best person to do this.  I mean, why not just get that guy off the street, who sold Olivia those designer bags in SoHo, to help Whitney?
• Roxy Horror heads into Kelly’s office to confront her and I’m pretty sure I saw cups of water shaking like in Jurassic park, as all of the workers in the office looked horrified, and a little confused.  Kelly goes off on Roxy asking her if she knew what skews SSB141 and things like “is that blanded or f.o.b” mean?  Seriously she was rattling enough codes off that I’m almost certain she is secretly signaling an al qaeda terrorist attack somewhere in the world.  However, my favorite part was when she told Roxy Horror that if she goes it would be like Lucy and Ethel in a bad Steven King film.  Bravo, bravo!  Kelly then kicks Roxy Horror out of her office and says the standard MTV reality show line, “I’m done, I’m done.”
• Obviously none of that conversation sunk in because Roxy Horror is helping Whitney with her Burgerdork John Goodman sales meeting.  And, as an added bonus, Kelly can’t make the meeting and Whitney says, “Ugh, she’s not cominK.”  It’s been a while since we’ve been lucky enough to hear Whito add the “k” where the “g” goes at the end of a word.  It must be stress related.  I have no clue, I’m just guessinK.
• However, Sam and the gap between her teeth is at the meeting and she’s explaining to Whitney who’s showing up for this high-powered meeting.  As she’s rattling off names we get to see these “no-nonsense business women” get out of their chauffeured cars.  I’m not impressed with them.  They all look like their boxes are rusted shut.  Pass.
• Meanwhile over on the other show, “Erin Jo and Olivia Fist-Fight Throughout Manhattan”  the gang is at the Today Show with Joe Zee Messina and he is losing his sh*t because he’s just about to go on air and has no idea what any of the models are wearing and what their “price-points” are.  I hate that I know what that term even means.  On the plus side, we get to see Hoda Kotbe and Snatchy Lee Gifford and, well, there are worse things to encounter in life.  Joe Zee Messina is talking at about 100 mph so there is only one person who can keep up with him and that is one Ms. Erin Jo, but she is nowhere to be found so, whilst on air, Joe Zee just tells Hoda that all the “looks” are under $100.00.  Erin Jo hears this and makes a face similar to the way you would react if you found a newborn baby in a basket on your front steps with a note and a rattle.  Olivia, on the other hand, looks like she’s watching paint dry.  Clearly, she gets it.
• Operation Sales Meeting Failure:  The rusted snatch women are critiquing Whitney’s poor fashions and they do not seem pleased at all.  Perhaps it’s all in the editing (go figure) but I think they called them mismatched, makes her look too large, and cheap fabric.  I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking Roxy interprets this feedback as “buying signs.”  Whitney ends the meeting with a shrug mixed with a sad face and says, “I’m learning.”  Way to fake it till you make it, Whit!
• Switching back to the Today Show, Joe Zee finishes up his segment and he and Erin Jo are talking so fast about what the F just happened that I’m pretty sure they just sold me a set of Micro-Machines.  As Erin Jo is talking smack about Olivia she walks directly into her and Olivia tells Joe Zee Messina that he did a good job.  The argument continues with who told whom about what and BLAH.  I’m sweating my ass off just listening to them.  At one point I dumped a small cup of water over my head and gave myself some orange slices and then wrapped myself in an aluminum foil cape.
• Olivia keeps saying that she bagged up all the clothes and the way she’s saying sounds like she’s trying to convince them that she just landed the plane in the Hudson River.  She’s like, “I bagged alll the clothes, they’re all bagged.  And I have the polaroids.”  Sweet!  When does she get awarded the key to the city!?
• The “next day” at the office, Joe Zee Messina, Erin Jo, and Olivia (whom I have no idea why I’ve never nicknamed her) are discussing the friction they have towards each other on a daily basis.  This is a pretty good scene because I like watching people fight.  It makes me feel better about myself.  The only thing I’m confused with is that I think that part of this scene was shot with Olivia and Erin Jo sitting next to each other, but then I think some of the parts were edited in when they were just one-on-one with Joe Zee.  You know what I mean?  Oh who cares?!  Anyway, Erin Jo starts ramping up to about 85 mph and then her eyes fill up a bit and she has to peace-out of the meeting before she gets “upset.”  They no longer know if they can work together moving forward.  Oh, you know what may help with that?  If MTV gives them another season and starts paying them “Heidi and Spencer” kind of money.  If not, Olivia will go back to having to deal with being an unemployed millionaire.  Erin Jo will be on the 6:00 news.
• In the end, Whitney meets with Kelly and she tells Whitney that she thinks that she should have  fashion show in Bryant Park during fashion week.  I guess basically this will either make or break Whitney’s career, but Kelly thinks this is a leap of faith.  If it doesn’t work she claims Whito’s career is over for good.  On the other hand, Kelly says she’ll take that risk with Whitney and if it bombs she’ll go down the drain with her. Awwwww.  Well, in New York City, they say Kelly Cutrone’s small heart grew three sizes that day.  And then the true meaning of helping came through and Kelly Cutrone found the strength of ten Cutrone’s, plus two!

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The City Recap: Criss-Cross Applesauce

• It’s always a wondrous sign from our Heavenly Father when Kelly Cutrone is in the opening scene for the crapisode.  This is typically when I smile from sideburn to crooked sideburn, grab a beer (or 10), and fasten the seat belt I’ve installed on my couch.  While I feel, a little, that Kelly lied to me since she is wearing brown and I thought she only wore black, I am comforted by the fact that she is helping the ever-loving piss out of Whitney’s fashion line.  I’m pretty sure Kelly is running the show and is allowing Whitney to sew her label in the clothes, but I digress.  It’s fun to see Whitney’s facial expressions whilst Kelly runs through her “to-do” list.  It looks like Whitney is trying to do Chinese long division, which I don’t even know exists, but if it does….that’s the look. 
• Once again, Kelly has the best advice and phrases.  When Whito-palooza says she wants Roxy Horror in charge of casting, Kelker Seltzer thinks it’s a bad idea and leave us with, “You have to put your best foot forward because if you don’t, the other one doesn’t get to follow.”  Seriously, brilliant.  I’m officially going on record by saying that Kelly needs her own t-shirt line with these sayings on them AND her own line of greeting cards from Hallmark.  If any of these things happen and I’m not thanked, I’m suing.
• It’s time for Whitney’s casting for her “look-book.”  When Kelly sees that Roxy Horror shows up she give Whito the side-eye, which I totally caught the second time I watched this.  The “models” that showed up for this are nightmare.  One girl, who surprisingly isn’t white, doesn’t have her portfolio yet because it’s “like in the mail.”  Kelly gives her a “ciao” and sends her on her way.  Up next is a girl who looks like she’s what I like to call “Weekend At Bernie’s” dead.  She can barely hold her head up and looks like she hasn’t eaten since her days of sucking down Gerber’s green beans (stage 2).  Kelly, lovingly, laughs in her face and then decides to stop wasting time and just goes up and down the line of girls who are left letting them know who can and can’t stay.  I’m sure if there was a follow up we would learn that 4 of the girls pissed themselves and 3 threw themselves in front of the E train.
• Yet another episode where we’re only 5 minutes in and I find this more interesting and entertaining than the entire current season of The Hills. 
• Kelly is pissed at Roxy Horror and pulls her aside to let her know that models suck and that the theme is “Fairy Tale Tea Party” and not “Gothic Nightmare.”  She continues on by telling her that if she wants to be the “super flying ranger in the song of redemption” then she needs to call in some more models STAT.  No joke, I want to meet Kelly and just have her yell at me and sh*t.  Ugh, what does that say about me!?
• Meanwhile on the other show, “Olivia and Erin Jo Take Fist Fight Manhattan” Erin Jo fills in Joe Zee Messina that they just locked down the Today Show for their A-Z looks.  I have no idea what any of that means, but Joe Zee is psyched and Erin Jo’s cheeks are flapping in the wind.  I’m assuming this is all good news.  Joe Zee Messina thinks this will be a ton of work and insists that Olivia helps out, to which Erin Jo laughs in his face and tosses in a few sarcastic comments.  I’m surprised she’s smiling, but I’m assuming she’s discovered the trick to not blowing up by jamming a wine cork up her old chooch-a-nella whilst doing kegels at the same time.  If she gets upset the cork shoots out like a bottle of champagne exploding and will put a hole in her foot like she’s just been shot at.  I say “discovered” but I really mean that I may have anonymously emailed her that tip that I made up.  Anyway, I think that’s what is keeping her happy.  Seriously, what the hell am I talking about?
• Uh-oh.  You guys, this isn’t going to be good.  Erin Jo is filling in Olivia on the Today Show segment and, well, Olivia is going to start “taking notes.”  Yowza.  I’m impressed that Olivia didn’t pick up the ruler on her desk and try to start writing with that.  Poor Olivia.  Erin Jo gives her the info and she’s writing soooo slooooow.  I bet my life that if she were to turn the paper around it would read, “DIE BITCH” on it and have nothing to do with the information needed.  Actually scratch that.  I bet she’s just filling out a Mad Libbs.  If she read it back it would say something like, “For the Today POOP Show be sure that the FARTS are all in proper fitting BOOBIES and look like they’re having the time of their DINKY.
• Anypassiveaggressive, Erin Jo is pissed that Olivia doesn’t look concerned or stressed at all.  I think that’s called, “Having Money.”
• Back over at the photoshoot, Roxy Horror is coming up with the worst ideas.  She wants to models to eat cupcakes, scream, and then have a food fight.  Whitney looks like she doesn’t know what any of these words mean and Kelly looks like she’s about to take a Shasta McNasty in her pants and then throw it at Roxy.  I’m all for that. 
• I guess I don’t understand the fashion world at all because they’re all psyched over how cute one of the girls is posing, but it looks to me like she’s either about to spit out her coffee or “something” else…if ya know what I mean. 
• Kelly decides to pull Roxy Horror to the side to fill her in on how the rest of the shoot will go.  This is when I chug the rest of my beer because I truly feel this will totally be elevated with a good buzz.  It is.  Kelly tells Roxy to stop giving her stupid ideas and let Whitney just keep moving forward.  She ends it by saying my favorite line of the episode/my life which is, “…no cake fights, no nothing.  Let’s just make it criss-cross applesauce and make it nice and clean.”  Can you nominate people for Emmy Awards because if so I will make it my lifes mission to get Kelly one.
• Whitney tries to motivate the models by saying, “We’re laughing and smiling and woo-hoo we’re having fun.”  She says it like she’s giving the eulogy at a funeral.  Hopefully mine.
• Since Roxy Horror has listening problems she instructs the models to pop open a bottle of champagne and “die laughing like it’s the funniest sh*t you’ve ever seen.”  Kelly obviously disapproves of this, but Roxy, obviously, makes them do it anyway.  The model pops the bottle and basically breaks some dishes, takes out an eye of one of the other models, and spills it all over her dress.  Is this fashion?  Am I learning?
• At the end of the shoot Roxy Horror smooths things over by having a cake fight with Whitney.  I’m enjoying this part because I’ve noticed that when Whitney laughs hard with her head tilted back she looks like a cartoon turtle and, well, that’s alright with me.
• Changing gears.  Uh, so is Stacie the Pointless Bartender from “The Hills” also the intern that works “for” Olivia?  I know it’s not, but the beer is telling me otherwise.  I also may have tossed on the beer goggles, but she looks pretty hot. Interns have to be at least 18 right?  Anyway, Olivia and “Stacie the Intern” are “pulling looks” (which is a term I’ve learned. Sometimes I “pull looks” off my apartment floor, sniff these “looks,” turn these “looks” inside out, and then wear these “looks” for the day) for the Today Show segment.  Stacie the Intern is all freaking out because Erin Jo scares her and Olivia has no clue what the hell she’s doing or where the F she is.  My guess is that Olivia thinks she inside a Christmas snow-globe.
• In a section of the show I like to call “Oh No She Just Did Not!”:  Olivia brings her “looks” back for Erin Jo to critique.  First off the clothes are about 10 sizes to small for the models, but Olivia seems to think this is fine.  Erin Jo, on the other hand, seems to think that this must signal a terrorist attack because she is piiiiiiised.  Olivia keeps saying that she disagrees with Erin Jo and Erin Jo flat out says she doesn’t care what Olivia thinks.  I like this.  I like awkward confrontation.  You know who I think doesn’t like it?  Stacie the Intern.  She looks like she got that feeling in your stomach when it feels like it drops down and you hear this insanely loud noise like a wolf growling so you run as fast as you can to the bathroom with your butt clinched together and then you’re  fumbling with your belt and doing a little dance and trying to pull your pants down and praying that you don’t sh*t inside your underwear and when you do finally sit on the toilet and let loose you are basically pissing out of your anus.  So, yeah, she kinda has “that look” on her face.  Too far?
• Olivia asks Erin Jo is she would talk to Joe Zee Messina the same way she is talking to her.  I’m pretty sure Erin Jo’s cork popped from her vaginastein because she starts squeaking about Olivia not being a creative director, etc.  She then sends Stacie the Intern out of the room, which is good for her because I’m almost certain she’s going to change her tights before the skid marks start to harden.
• In the end Erin Jo decides to vent to Stacie the Intern about the fight that just took place between her and Olivia.  Poor Stacie the Intern.  She’s trying so hard.  My blackened heart turned a slight shade of red for her.  Look, I love Erin Jo as much as the next, but she seems to always complain to the wrong people about her issues with Olivia.  First Cobra Starship and now Stacie the Intern?  Not cool.  Oh God I just legit analyzed a scene from this show without any jokes.  I must go now.  I must go.  I’m gone.

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The City Recap: The Many Faces of Erin Kaplan

Sure the main point of this episode is about Whitney and her terrible blind date, but I must admit I was a little more fascinated by all the faces that Erin has been making throughout the season.  Therefore ergo nevertheless furthermore regardless virtues, I decided to capture all the wonder that Erin creates with her face in this specific episode.  I’ve never claimed to not be a loser.  I embrace it. Ergo, nevertheless, and thou.  Here’s what else went on during the latest episode of The City:

• It’s the blind date episode of The City that all 4 of you have been waiting for!  Whitney is going to go on a blind date with some d-bag that her friend has set her up with.  He works at Burgerdork John Goodman, I believe she said.  I’m interested in seeing how this goes down.  My guess?  Like a cheerleader on her period.
• Joe Zee Messina is having Olivia help out with a photoshoot of Andy Broderick’s wife, Black-n-Decker.  They’re spouting out accessory names and then they say it.  It was like slow motion to me.  Gloves. Like. Diane. Keaton.  I shook when I heard that.  As you know, my arch nemesis in life is Diane Keaton.  No joke.  My second arch nemesis in life?  Diane Keaton’s gloves.  I’m anointing myself with holy-water as I type this.  Damn you Keaton!  Damn youuuuuu!
• Anyway, Erin Jo Buttafucco will also be going on the photoshoot with Black-n-Decker as well.  I hope she brings along her bag of eye-rolls, sideward glances at Olivia, and huffs. 
• Blind Date Time!  Oh crap, his name is Patrick.  Again, it’s like The City is speaking directly to me in this episode.  I’m going to dial up Chip Coffey to get his thoughts on this.
• This kid is a box-o-douche for sure.  Look, I’m doing everything in my power to get famous too, but if you knew you were on a date that was…wait for it….wait for it….FILMED FOR TELEVISION, wouldn’t you be on your best behavior and perhaps have your dick-o-meter turned down to about a 1?
• Blind Date Patrick used such NYC “slang” like 5F and LV.  I must be as bricks as Whitney because when Doucherick said “5F” I also thought he was talking about 5^th Ave. 
• It takes Whitney a little time to figure out what LV means.  In fact, Doucherick has to tell her that LV stands for Louie Vuitton.  My guesses included, but were not limited to: Lobster Vagina, Lazy Violinist, Loin Valve, Lesbian Values, and Left-handed Ventriloquist.  Of course, Louis Vuitton would have been my 5^th guess.
• Meanwhile, Roxy Horror heads out on her date for the night and we learn that she broke up with her crazy LA ex-boyfriend because he used to sleep outside of her apartment.  Note to Self:  Do not sleep outside of Kelly Cutrone’s office….or apartment….or car. 
• At the conclusion of Whitney’s blind date from hell, Doucherick instructs Whitney to “join forces” which is technical douche-speak for “split the bill.”  Congratulations Doucherick and best wishes on ever getting laid again, ever.
• Well it’s photoshoot day for Black-n-Decker and Olivia takes her anorexic toothpick legs to the shoot.  She helps Joe Zee Messina pick out clothes that end up being the same thing she is already wearing.  You can almost hear Erin Jo’s eye-rolls from here.
• Erin Jo and Joe Zee Messina have an official roof “sass-off” and are bitching back and forth at each other about Olivia.  Erin Jo is winning the “sass-off” in my eyes because Joe is her boss and he has yet to say, “Bitch, who you yellin’ at!?” 
• When Erin Jo gets all fired up she talks about 100 mph and her cheeks shake…kinda like a chipmunk caught on a treadmill.
• It’s girls night out and Roxy has invited her date, Zac, to meet up with them.  Zac does show up and he brings six girls.  Lucky for them the producers have 6 additional mic-packs that they all get to wear so we can hear them have a conversation.  What luck!
• Another Race Than White Alert:  I hope you are all sitting down as you’re reading this.  If you have any hot liquids like coffee or tea near you, please move them 10 feet from where you are seated.  If you have any food, gum, mints, etc in your mouth as you are reading this, please either swallow it or spit it out now.  Now I don’t want to frighten any of you, but there is a….a…..a…..an African American person in the scene with Zac.  She’s sitting at his table.  I know that you’re thinking, “But IBBB, I thought only white people were allowed on such shows as The City and The Hills.”  Well you would be partially correct.  If you remember back in Season 3 of The Hills there was an Asian girl in the background of LC’s college class that got over 3.4 seconds of airtime.  Well, this Asian girl has apparently paved the way for other races because this time the African American girl got over 8 seconds of airtime AND a line to say.  The City is really making its way into 1952 right before our very own eyes.  Just think, there could be an actual character of another race on the show by the year 3013!
• Anyway, Roxy Horror is pissed at Zac for bringing girls to Roxy’s girls-night-out party.  Whitney says she has a gag reflex to all of this.  I’m sure it’s not just all of this…if ya know what I mean   I’m talking about oral sex.  Was that not clear?
• On the other show, Erin Jo, Joe Zee Messina, and Olivia are having dinner with Cobra Starship.  While this could be a complete boring scene, once again, the scene stealer is Erin Jo who literally makes faces at everything that is being said about Olivia and her working together.  Someone place Erin Jo on suicide watch, stat! 
• We later learn that Olivia is a big fan of House Music and Hip Hop.  Although, she didn’t know who Tribe Called Quest was, I’m still not NOT believing her.  I mean, I’m sure she has Rump Shaker and I Like Big Butts playing in her apartment on a constant loop while she is on all fours over her toilet with a toothbrush shoved down her throat and a picture of Erin Jo glued to the bottom of the toilet.  That’s just my guess though…you may have your own guesses.
• Olivia leaves dinner and Erin Jo finally has the opportunity recap Cobra Starship on the entire situation/season of Olivia on The City.  Again, she does it at about 100 mph with her cheeks shaking.  Chipmunk on the treadmill.  I believe that can now be classified as a syndrome.
• Well finally!  There are 2 minutes left of the show and FINALLY Kelly Cutrone makes it into a scene.  Geesh.  Well, at least we get to experience her, even if it is only for 2 minutes.  It’s 2 minutes of comedy gold.
• Whito and Roxy Horror decide to use their “work day” to talk about the whole Zac situation from the night before.  Kelly calls Whito into her office and says, “I hate to break up the quilting circle, but do you mind coming in here for a minute?”  Brilliantly played, Kelly, brilliantly played.  She then tells Whitney to never make her listen to that again, especially listening to Roxy’s voice.  Again, brilliant.  But perhaps my favorite part is when Kelly says that she’s trying to run a company in the middle of a recession.  I love Kelly and the recession!

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The City Recap: Kelly Cutrone’s Plan to End the Recession? Bring Pens to Meetings. Done and Done!

• It’s no secret that I have an unhealthy obsession with all things Kelly Cutrone.  Would I go as far as saying that I want to knock over a 7-11 with her and hotwire a stolen police car all whilst on a first-time-ever meth binge?  Yes, yes, and I’ll try it, I guess, if Kelly’s doing it. 
• There’s a company meeting at Pubic Revolution which consists of Kelly doing what I can only assume is “Jay Leno Headlines.”  Roxy Horror forgot to bring her pen to the meeting and this provides us with brilliant commentary from Kelly Cutrone on how we’re in a recession and while other companies are firing people, Pubic Revolution is growing, and in order to avoid the recession everyone needs to bring a pen.  I mean, at the end of the day, it’s great advice to live by.  Just start bringing a pen wherever you go now.  Take a pen to the bathroom, to work, the circus, to the gym, on a date, whilst delivering your second child, during the Stations of the Cross.  You never know when Kelly will pop out of thin air and reprimand you.
• Kelly ends the meeting by letting everyone know that she’s not paying for your stinkin’ lunch, dinner, or breakfast while you’re working in Miami for the random fashion show.  Everyone kind of giggles at this.  No joke, if I worked for Kelly I would have got up and given her a hug and a pat on the bum bum.  I would have then followed it up with an additional long-lasting hug and whispered in her ear, “Thank you, thank you, thank God for you.”
• Ok meeting adjourned!  Not for nothing, but the first 90 seconds of The City was more entertaining than the last 2 seasons of The Hills.  Attica!  Attica!  Attica!
• Meanwhile over on the show, “Olivia and Erin Jo Take Manhattan, Boringly,” Olivia needs to stop walking so damn aggressively.  It looked like she was ready to charge the camera.  I thought this sh*t was in 3-D for a second.  I actually got kinda excited and quickly searched my apartment for my old pair of 3-D glasses.  Fail and win.
• Joe Zee Messina is sending Olivia off to fashion week in Miami because she’s been doing such a “good” job recently.  Oh, and by “good,” I of course mean, “contractually obligated to go because of this pesky little television show thingie.”  Olivia is more excited about her 1920’s top (that looks like toilet paper pre-use) than she does about going to Miami.  Although, Erin Jo is going too so this should be fanorexictastic!  The thoughts of seeing Olivia in a bikini makes me envision a toothpick with some shredded tissue attached to it and, well, that’s alright with me!
• Whitophelia and Roxy Horror arrive at the W Hotel in SOBE and they look like they’re about to have visual orgasm shoot out of the ole beav-n-sleeve.  Clearly they do not deserve to stay in such a nice room, but we do live in a world where things like this happen.  I blame prohibition.  I’m not sure why, I just do.  Don’t question it, just let it flow.
• Olivia and Erin Jo are flying first class (thanks again, prohibition) on their way to Miami.  Watching them try to have a conversation together is as awkward as watching Kelly talk to Regis in the morning about the days top stories.  You cringe with embarrassment because Reg has no clue where he is or what the topic is about, but you know he’ll throw in a story about his time on the Joey Bishop show.  Anyway, it’s that kind of awkward.  Erin Jo and Olivia give eachother fake smiles and eye-rolls and then they keep looking at the cameraman with the look of “do you have enough?  Are we done now?”  We are.
• It’s been 5 full minutes and I already miss Kelly Cutrone.  Blah.
• Yay! Here she is!  And she’s at the “welcome table” and judging the models for the runway show to see who will make it and who won’t.  Kelly is in absolute rear form tonight.  Here’s a few of the brilliant comments she makes during “judging”: 1.  Just walk straight-foward like “ba-bam, ba-bam, ba bam.”  2.  This girl is not going to be any good, let’s do bets.  Let’s just do bets.  3.  Ok, we can’t help her.  Nothing we can do.  4.  I feel like I need some dollar bills in my hands. 
• That Kelly.  She really is a national treasure.  She’s also the best thing that’s happened to my television in a long, long time.  Thank you, thank you, thank God for you.
• Later that night at “da club” Whitney and Roxy Horror meet up with her friend, Nick, who’s dancing like a pigeon with turret syndrome (the worst of all the syndromes).  Nick and his pigeon dance explain to Roxy Horror that he used to always ask Whitopalooza out during college and Whito never would go.  Next up, Whito heads to the shitter and tells Roxy she’ll be right back.  It is at this time that we get to see Roxy Horror in her best light, which is “dancing.”  This is the Roxy that I like best.  Bustin a white-girl move.  Bravo. 
• Roxy Horror and Pigeon Nick decide to peace-out of “da club” and when Whitney returns looking for them it’s like watching an acid trip.  She kind of just stumbles around and everyone is looking and pointing at her.  One girl just mouths “Whitney, yeah!” and Whitney walks away.  I love background people.  If that was me I would have put her in a headlock and forced her to do shots with me until the police came.  I’m romantic like that.
• Commercial Break Update/Best Moment of My Life Alert:  There will be a show on MTV called “Jersey Shore.”  Thank you Santa Christ!
• When we return we are at the scene of the fashion show.  I don’t know I think someone just called the show “futuristic hippie.”  Words like that hurt my ears.  Anyway, Roxy Horror shows up and she and Whito go at it about who peaced out first and Roxy lost her cell phone two days ago and blah.  However, da-da-da-da! Kelly Cutrone to the rescue!  Kelly stops by their argument to tell them to shut the F up and that this isn’t F’n group therapy and that she doesn’t want to see this again.  She then walks away hunched over and I am smiling ear to ear.  It’s like Cupid’s arrow just shot me square in the nuts….which is kind of hard since my nuts aren’t square…but perhaps I’m providing you all with a little too much information.  One may never know.
• During the actual fashion show Kelly Cutrone gets to direct and comment on how the models are walking, which she claims looks like they’re medicated.  By the way, Kelly is dressed like she’s about to pour cement and is ready to put out a lit cigarette on her forehead.  I love that about her.  Dynamite.
• After Olivia tells Erin Jo that she’s not going to the “trade shows” they fly back (I’m assuming) to NYC and have a meeting with Joe Zee Messina to fill everyone in on what they experienced.  Now I’m not making this up.  Olivia informed everyone that the main things she was seeing on the runway was “futuristic looks” and “turbans.”  So basically she’s sensing a terrorist attack from Al Qaeda, no?  I always knew that terrorist-chic would be in for the Winter.  You need to look you best for those 17 virgins in heaven when you blow yourself up to bits at the outdoor market!
• Olivia and Erin Jo have an altercation with Joe Zee Messina about the damned “trade shows,” in which Olivia lied about not knowing about.  Shame, shame, I know your name!  Olivia’s nose is going to grow to the size of Whitney’s old nose if she keeping on telling lies like this!  Also, I keep picturing Olivia dressed in a futuristic turban.
• Since we started the show with Kelly Cutrone it’s only fitting that we end it with Kelly Cutrone! 
• Kelly tells Whito and Roxy Horror that they should re-think working together as friends and that she never works with her friends.  She takes about two steps away and Roxy says, “She didn’t even say one nice thing” to which Kelly loses her sh*t!  She tells them that if it happens again they can find another job.  I just hope they remember to bring their pens with them!
• Finally, perhaps the most brilliant part of the show, is when Kelly realizes that Whito and Roxy charged $200.oo to their hotel room.  Kelly quickly explains that she only gives them $100 and that they owe her $100 and she’s taking it out of their next paycheck. She then informs them to go to Taco Bell next time.  Seriously I wish this was taped in front of a live studio audience.

Once again Kelly saves this show.  I can’t wait for her new show, Kell on Earth” to start airing. Does anyone know when and where?

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The City Recap: Fucklemackle vs. Fucklemackle

• We kick things off with Whitney and Roxy Horror getting some sun whilst laying out in Central Park.  I’m not sure if they spray-painted the grass around them bright green because I’ve been there a million times and it’s never that green.  Also, Whitney looks like she’s wearing nursing scrubs. 
• Later Whitney and Freddie Fucklemackle go to play a little tennis.  Insert “Balls flying at Whitney’s face” joke here ________.
• Question and Answerless Time:  How the F old is Freddie Fucklemackle?  Looks 40.  Also, what kind of jacked up accent does he have?  Half the time he sounds like he’s from Connecticut and the other half he sounds like Mr. Belvedere.  What gives?  Also, who cares.
• Meanwhile on the other show “Erin Jo and Olivia Take Manhattan, Boringly” we learn that Joe Zee Messina wants Erin Jo and Olivia to interview some bloggers for their magazine.  I’m going to repeat that.  …Interview some bloggers for their magazine.  One more time.  ….Interview some bloggers.  Bloggers.  Sure the bloggers talk about fashion, but why the hell couldn’t they have interviewed me!?  I was totally robbed.  They could have asked me questions like, “Why are you such a complete toolbag?” and “You suck.”  I’m sure that last one would have been from Olivia because she thinks “you suck” is a question.
• Whilst Joe Zee Messina is instructing them what to do, Erin Jo is making faces like he’s teaching them how to do Asian math.
• Whito, Roxy Horror, and Sammy Pants are driving to the Hamptons (again, not invited) in Sammy Pants’ Infiniti.  Roxy Horror takes this opportunity to grill the absolute piss out of Sammy Pants.  At one point she asks her what’s the nasty thing she’s ever done.  Sammy couldn’t respond to that, but everyone knows the answer to that question is always, “F*cked your mother.”  Always. 
• During this car ride of shame, we learn that the nastiest thing that Roxy Horror has ever done (besides being on The City) was getting drunk, taking off all her clothes, and getting a tattoo on her crotch.  Laaaaame.  I know girls who were doing that for their First Holy Communion.  But, I guess that was just a different time.  By the way, you totally know that her tattoo says, “Cutrone’s Bitch.”
• So I want to hate Roxy Horror, but I can’t fully hate her.  Just when I start to hate, she busts out a dance.  This week she’s dancing to Heartbreaker by Mariah Carey.  Sitting in the backseat whilst doing the Running Man takes talent.  I almost want to get trashed with Roxy and rob a Chipotle.
• So who did the Fucklemackle’s have to fucklemackle to get that Hampton’s house?  Roxy Horror is all over Prince Harry Fucklemackle whom she finds out is 21 yrs old…and then asks if he’s out of high school.  That would have to be a pretty dumb Fucklemackle do be 21 and still in high school.  Seriously this should be called the Roxy Horror Show.  Oh!
• Meanwhile back on “Erin Jo and Olivia Take Manhattan, Boringly” Olivia is interviewing these bloggers like she’s trying to get the scoop for her high school newspaper.  She asks hard hitting questions like, “Why do you like shoes” and “Is that it?”  All brilliant in my book.  And what the hell is wrong with my little Olivia’s posture?  When she sits down she looks like she needs to be held up with string and a wooden “x” like she’s a marionette.
• Erin Jo looks like she just dumped in her drawers and projectile vomit when Olivia tells her that she’s leaving for the day.  Hey, Olivia did put in a lot of work by asking those two girls 4 questions each.  That’s time-and-a-half sh*t right there.
• Poor Erin Jo is forced to reinterview the girl who looks like Blossom…and we’re forced to watch it.
• The Fucklemackle Gang head out for their night of sweaty dancing.  The place they go to looks like a f’n nightmare and the music sounds like they’re signaling a nuclear holocaust.  Fail on multiple levels.
• Prince Harry Fucklemackle tries to kiss Whito and lands one on her cheek.  This whole scene is edited in overdrive.  Freddie Fucklemackle gets pissed at his little brother and so Prince Harry Fucklemackle retaliates by filling Whito in on a little secret that Freddie has a girlfriend.  Another Fuckle Buddy?  Shocking.
• Reason Why I’m a Loser Alert:  Ok, so at one point while they’re at “da club” I’m pretty sure I spotted “Dottie” from “I’m a Jersey Shore Girl” dancing on a box in the middle of “da club.”  Anyone?  Anyone?
• Erin Jo and Olivia stop by Joe Zee Messina’s office to go over the blogger interviews.  Poor Olivia.  She has to go over the questions she asked the bloggers and she has no clue what she’s doing.  She’s either flipping through the questions on her papers….or she’s just like “screw it” and it shuffling through the script to see what her next line is.
• Erin Jo then lets the cat out of the bag and informs Joe Zee Messina that she had to interview the girls after Olivia left.  Da-da-duuuun.  I’d like to say that I don’t think this is scripted.  I actually think Erin Jo hates Olivia.  I also think that Olivia has brittle bones.
• In the end, Freddie Fucklemackle is confronted about his hidden girlfriend to which he just replies, “But……I don’t know.”  Good save dude.
• I’m utterly confused by this entire scene because I’m hearing voice-overs and seeing odd facial expressions and the Fucklemackle brothers are pushing each other.  This show should come with a “seizure warning.” 

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The City Recap: Hello Freddie and Frito-Lay Fucklemackle! What Does That Even Mean?!

Time for a little City recap!  I got a lot of crap for not recapping last weeks crapisode of The City.  I’m sorry, are you paying my bills?  You don’t know me!  You don’t know me!  I pay my own bills!  You don’t know me!  Sorry, that was me practicing my rebuttal if the Ricki Lake Show ever comes back and I get to be a “teen” guest.  Anyway, everything and nothing went down the other night on The City.  Someone hit the cowbell…

• Any episode that starts off with Kelly Cutrone stroking what I can only assume is a dog, whilst conducting a meeting, whilst dressed as Mrs Roper from Three’s Company, is a GREAT episode for me.  Seriously, it could end right now and I’d be ok with it. 
• While Kelly does her best Mrs Roper meets Dr. Evil impression, she discusses some party that Elle is hosting?  No clue.  I was distracted because not only did I spot someone in the scene that wasn’t white (shock) I was also mesmerized by the chick sitting to the right of Kelly who was sporting the “Moe” haircut from Three Stooges.  I’m only 10 seconds in and I already like this better than The Hills.
• Roxy Horror and Whitney are discussing the fact that Ozzy Bobby (Jay) is back from the scripted dead.  Whitney chatted with the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby on the phone, but isn’t sure how she feels. She tells Roxy Horror that she “did it and then she quit it.”  Whitney was so proud of herself that she made a rhyme.  Now had this been Heidi Montag saying that, she would have immediately marketed herself as a rapper.  Anyway, Roxy Horror squeals with delight and says, “You just said ‘I hit it then I quit it.”  Uh, nope.  She didn’t.  Check the script.
• Olivia, my future ex-wife, shows up to work in a short black skirt that literally zips up right to her good old New York style chooch.  Erin Jo Buttafucco (who is sadly growing on me…not literally) explains to Olivia about the big Long-John (??) event.  Olivia lets Erin Jo know that her former colleague may be there.  Really?  Former colleague?  Oh, you may know her as Whitney Port…you know…the girl who you star in this television show with?  You took a bunch of promotional shots with her and you showed up at the MTV Music Awards with her too.  Sound familiar?  You know her, you think?
• Whitney and Samantha and the gap between her two front teeth, head out to yoga because, for some reason, the producers felt that the two second conversation they had about the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby needed to happen in a yoga studio. 
• Oh crap.  Whitney is about to walking blindly into a dinner date with Freddie Fackelmayer and his dad, Fridolin Fackelmayer, whom I will now lovingly refer to as “Freddie and Frito-Lay Fucklemackle.”
• Seriously, what in the hell is Freddie Fucklemackle doing?  Why would he introduce Whitney to his father, Frito-Lay, after just one scripted date!?!
• Whitney looks like she’s about to puke during the dinner and not just because Frito-Lay Fucklemackle looks like he’s about to drop his pants, pop 2 viagra, rip Whitney out of her chair, and “do sex” to her right then and there.  If this dude hasn’t been on “To Catch a Predator” I’m sure he soon will be.
• Bonus points for Whitney only ordering water.  Hopefully she shot up in the bathoom before she came.
• Haha Whit asks Frito-Lay Fucklemackle is he works in “the city” and the says, “I do too.”  Oh that Whitney.  Such a pistol!
• At the end of the threesome, Whitney pours out all her hopes and dreams to Frito-Lay and tells him that she’s starting her own clothing line and is looking for investors.  Frito-Lay basically laughs in her face and says it’s a bad time to raise money.  I’m sure if Whito promises to make sweet fucklemackle to Frito-Lay, he’ll find a way to give her some money.
• For the first time ever, Roxy Horror, Whitney, Olivia, and Erin Jo are all in the same scene together.  What a treat for the viewers.  They’re all discussing the event and where the bar will go when all of a sudden we experience the WORST voiceover in reality show history.  First off, the volume goes down about 17 notches and then you hear Erin Jo reading from a piece of paper, “Roxy, you should supervise the photographer.  Olivia can help you since she’ll know most of the guests.”  Wow.  It was like she was doing the “homeroom news” at her highschool.  Fail.
• For some inexplicable reason they’re playing “Single Ladies” by Beyonce as they show scenes of the people of New York City. Oh no. Huh?  Is this actually happening?  Am I in a meth-filled rage or am I actually seeing Whitney and Roxy Horror actually doing the dance to Single Ladies in Whitney’s bedroom?  Wow.  Yeah, I’m seeing it.  Even after I poured bleach in my eyes and threw myself down a flight of stairs, came to, walked back up the stairs, rewound my Tivo…I saw it again.  Roxy Horror is no joke with the dance moves.  I’m embarrassed for them, for me, for the citizens of the United States of New Mexico, for people with eyes, and for people with ears.  Ugh, the ONE TIME I’m actually jealous of Helen Keller.
• Anyway, during the conversation between Whito and Roxy Horror we learn that the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby’s mom sells sex toys for a living. Now there isn’t anything wrong from with that, but I can’t help but to think of you put down a plate of sex toys in front of Whitney and the phone rang, she’d try to answer one.  Just me?
• The event for Long-Johns (??) is a complete sh*t-show.  Olivia looks like she’s about to die of malnutrition whilst introducing people to each other.  Freddie Fucklemackle looks like he’s ready to gang-bang Roxy Horror, and then Kelly Cutrone shows up and I am suddenly at peace.
• Kelly is playing “story time” with Erin Jo by yelling her tales of how she started as a magazine publicist for Spin Magazine and then quit when she was 22 to start her own business.  You gotta love Kelly.  No really, you do.  I’m making it a law…like saying the Pledge of Allegiance in the morning at school.  People should have to open their windows in the morning when they wake up and yell out, “Thank you Kelly Cutrone, I love you.”
• Someone put Erin Jo on suicide watch.  The “next day” Olivia struts her socialite ass into work and defends herself to Erin Jo in regards to the “Roxy Horror/photographer” situation.  I could go in to detail of that situatuin, but it’s hard to type when I’m sleeping.  Anyway, as Erin Jo airs her concerns, Olivia laughs in her face and tells her it’s not her problem.  Some people think Olivia is a big bag of bitches, but when you think about it, imagine having all this money and not really needing to work.  Would you deal with any crap?  I wouldn’t.  But then again, that’s just me and, clearly, I have a high work ethic.
• In the end, we get to listen to about 6 verses of that Jessie James song while the cameraman makes Whitney walk for 5 minutes.  Great way to fill time.  After verse 17 and the song ends, Whitney sits down at the table of the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby.  I thought she’d only be able to contact him via a Ouija Board, but apparent he is really there.
• Whitney and the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby catch up and discuss the fact that she brought Freddie Fucklemackle to Ozzy B’s house while he was out of town.  Ozzy B is still singing the same tune of his hatred for people who have “jobs” and “income.”  Whitney tells Ozzy B that it’s her life, they edit the piss out of the scene, and Ozzy B walks out of the restaurant.  I’m sure at that point, someone yelled “cut” and then they put new clothes on Whitney, brushed her hair a different way, switched the restaurant sign, tossed some random dude in the chair across from Whitney, and then filmed Whitney’s next “date scene.”

Ahhh The City.  What actually does go on?

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The City Recap: Can’t We Just Call it “The Kelly Cutrone Show.” Please?

Cow bell cow bell cow bell.  How come The City is turning into a reality show version of The Office, minus the interesting characters, funny lines, and good writing?  Last season we were bored to meth tears with the psycho relationship between Sleepy Time Allie and her boyfriend and Whitney and Ozzy Bobby.  This season we spend the majority of the 30 minutes of horror watching Whitney do business things like “working” and “going to meetings.”  I mean, if I wanted to watch people work for 30 minutes I’d get a job. 

• I also don’t know how long I can take the whole “Olvia is pointless to life” whilst at work with Erin Jo Buttafucco and Joe Zee.  How come Olivia and Whitney have yet do be in the same scene together?  I know they aren’t “working” together, but can we at least pretend that this is not two separate shows? 
• Olivia has a big job for The Today Show (for the 14th time this season) of finding accessories that match up with all the letters of the alphabet.  Oh, and I have no idea why and/or what that means.  All I know is that everytime I see Olivia “working” I also think it’s strange how she has more money than her boss, her boss’ boss, and possibly Jesus.  Well, to be honest I’m usually thinking of that or the fact that I believe Olivia has a mix of Social Anxiety Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Social Anorexia Disorder, Seasonal Lollipop Head Syndrome, and Rickets.
• You know what I love about Kelly Cutrone?  Everything.  You know what I hate about Kelly Cutrone?  Nothing.  Legit.  Everyone else on show always has their hair and makeup done before a “scene” that their going to be in.  Not Kelly.  Nope.  She legit goes Donkey Boxing, changes the oil in her car, wrestles the bread out of a homeless child’s hand, pops a mint into her mouth and is like, “action!”  I love it. 
• Whitney heads into Kelly’s office to show her her “sketches.”  Keep in mind this is right after Roxy gave Whitney her stamp of approval telling Whitney how impressed she was with them.  That must mean a lot to Whitney since Roxy is qualified for nothing.
• Kelly is impressed with Whitney’s sketches.  I am too.  I mean, I’m pretty sure  they consist of stick-figures waving, but still, they’re good….I guess.  I think one of the stick figures was walking a dog, standing in front of a house with flowers drawn that were the same size as the stick figure….who just happened to be wearing a triangle for a dress.  That’s good, right?
• Kelly, similar to the witch in Snow White, tells Whitney to not show her “sketches” to anyone else and that she is in Whitney’s corner and will be her loyal bitch.  Good old Kel. True friend til the end.
• Meanwhile on the “Olivia and Erin Jo Show” we enter week 3 of Olivia picking out accessories.  Kill me and fail, all at the same time.  Olivia will go to 15 different places throughout the remainder of this episode, to which she will smile at the store owners and say the word “price point” 1,436 times.  Looks like someone made it into Chapter 2 of their Retail Sales for Dummies book!
• Whitney and Roxy meet up with Samantha (who is apparently on the show for reasons that are not known to me) for lunch.  Whitney tells Samantha she is “daring” for wearing blue eye makeup.  Clearly in Whitney’s mind, Samantha is the Harriet Tubman of our generation.
• Sidenote/Interesting Fact:  Everyone probably knows this already, but did you know that in real life Roxy’s mother is in the show Brothers and Sisters and used to be in Thirty Something?  True.  Also, Roxy and her family are friends with Bonnie Hunt.  Random, yet true and you’re welcome.  Also, Roxy is the same Roxy that is friends with Stephanie Pratt and was with her in The Hills episode when Stephanie Pratt yelled at LC (and her mustache) at “da club” about Spencer being her brother and how she didn’t like LC, etc, etc script, etc.  The More You Know (cue the shooting star).
• At lunch, Roxy wants Whitney to show her “sketches” to Samantha’s boss.  Samantha tries to say “no thank” about 15 times, but Roxy keeps pressuring her like a rapist fresh out of the slammer.  I mean, Samantha did keep saying, “no, yeah, maybe, I don’t know, yeah” so I guess Roxy the Rapist thought it was ok.
• Fast Forward (literally): Whitney has her big meeting with Samantha’s boss.  She shows her the “sketches” which now look like they’re made out of construction paper, Popsicle sticks, and glitter.  Also, Whitney is dressed like a 1993 Fly Girl.  Anyway, the boss lady craps all over Whitney’s stuff because it’s not ready yet….and consists of stick figures.  Poor Whitney, she should have just stayed with Kelly Cutrone.  Also, Whitney doesn’t know enough to stand up and shake hands when the boss lady leaves the meeting.  Rude.  What was she thinkinK?
• Did I mention I love Kelly?  Kelly calls Whitney in for a meeting and confronts her about doing to Bergdoff Goodman to show her “sketches.”  I have no idea how to spell that and refuse to look it up.  Anyway,  Kelly basically tells Whitney that she’s an idiot for listening to Roxy since she’s some random chick from LA who just landed here (apparently on the Mayflower) 2 weeks ago and doesn’t know anything.  She also tells Whitney that no one in their right mind would go there with a pencil sketch and she probably already ruined her reputation.  And you know that Kelly said all this in one-take.  No one had to yell “cut.”  Kel is good like that.
• Perhaps my favorite part is at the end of the meeting when Kelly starts fanning herself with a book, while she tells Whitney that Roxy doesn’t have her best interest in mind and that she makes some “crazy ass decisions.”  Poor Kel.  I bet she’s having a hot flash right on camera.  I won’t hold it against her.  Or, maybe the lights that they set up for that scene are just getting to hot.  In actuality I think we all know that Kelly probably just farts during the scenes and refuses to apologize for it.
• In the end, back on Olivia’s show, Olivia needs to show Joe Zee Medina and Erin Jo what she found for her random A to Z accessories.  Erin Jo makes more faces than Jim Carey with every sentence  that Olivia says.  Hmmm, this makes me almost like Olivia more and Erin Jo less.  I mean, either way these thoughts make me a complete loser, but still. 
• Joe Zee praises Olivia and tells Erin Jo that Olivia is a star.  The scene ends with Olivia walking down the hall and trying not to look at the camera, but she doesn’t really know where to look, so she just kinda looks up and then down, and then up and then down, and so forth and so on.

So what actually happened on this episode? I’m confused.

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The City Recap: Is Olivia in a Different Show?

There are a lot of things going on in the city, just not in the show “The City.”  Even my favorite part of the entire episode, the opening credits, has been cut down to about 5 seconds.  Thanks for taking the best part away from me.  Here’s what went down on The City or La Ciudad as I like to mistakenly call it….

• Erin Jo Buttafucco is talking about 100 mph to Joe about what a train-wreck Olivia was for the Today Show segment last week.  Thanks for recapping for us.  Erin Jo is playing the role of the no nonsense business woman and complaining about how “not nice” Olivia is.  In actuality Erin Jo should be thanking Olivia because without her Erin Jo would not have a speaking role in The City.
• It’s Roxy’s first day of work at Pubic Revolution, which I can only assume is a working sweat shop.  Seriously the place looks like it should be condemned by the Board of Health.  Roxy calls everyone robots, which I think it a nice gesture on her first day.  It also would have been a nice gesture for her to brush her hair for work.
• Kelly CUNTrone stops on by so say hi to Roxy.  Blah blah blah, but we learn a few important things about Kelly.  (1) She wipes her mouth after she talks (2) She wears thick black eye glasses that Jan Brady wore and (3) She drives a Ford.  Hot.
•  Kelly gives Roxy her first important job which consists of driving in NYC to the fashion shoot. Whilst driving Roxy does such things as honk the horn, slam on the breaks, and cover her eyes.  Oh that Roxy, she’s a real pot stirrer. 
• Up on the roof, Kelly is directing the photo shoot with this model who I’m pretty sure is actually a corpse tied up with stings.  She’s almost pinata-like.  Well, picture a pinata that hasn’t eaten since the time it was 4 years old. 
• Kelly is giving the pinata model some much needed modeling tips.  Literally Kelly tells her to go “Bam, bam, bam, BAM!”  On the last “bam” she puts her arms up like Mary Katherine Gallagher yelling “Superstar!”
• Roxy tosses in her two cents at the photoshoot and tells the bulimic pinata to take her top off as an edgy way to “model the jeans.”  Kelly is pissed, yet happy with the results.  When Kelly smiles I imagine spiders crawling out from her teeth. I heart Kelly.
• Meanwhile on the other show that I’m watching, Olivia is instructed to go to SOHO and pick up some more accessories for yet another morning show.  Apparently this is what we’ll see every week….picking out accessories for a morning show.  Inventive.
• Olivia needs to go and buy some fake accessories on the streets.  This should be good. I feel like she’s going to show up in a complete Hazmat suit.
• What in the holy hell?  Whilst down in SOHO, Olivia finds some dude in a costume on the street that will sell her some fake bags off of a one-page catalog.  She keeps looking around like she’s about to get shot, stabbed, raped, arrested, and tickled all at the same time.  The guy who’s selling this stuff also sings while he sells, which is great customer service, I think.
• I secretly wish Olivia got arrested and this turned into an episode of cops.
• Oh, I almost forgot.  This show blows.
• Back at the sweatshop, Roxy tries to justify that Kelly will be pleased with her for taking the initiative to tell the pinata model to take off her top.  Oh that Roxy.
• Olivia comes back with about 1400 bags and, well, that’s about it.  She basically forgot the accessories.  I love how she snaps back at everyone no matter who they are.  It’s probably because her entire outfit costs more than most of these people make in a month and/or a year.  As a sidenote, Erin Jo looks like she wants to hit Olivia with a stun-gun.
• In the end, Kelly comes into the office to regroup with Whitney Claus and Roxy.  She does let Roxy know that she must respect her authority and that while on set she is mama wolf.  I kinda feel like that even when she’s not on set she’s mama wolf.  Like, in line for coffee she’s mama wolf and then at, like, the grocery store she’s mama wolf.  At the toll booth?  Mama wolf.  Taking a delicate dump?  Mama wolf.  Kicking newborn puppies? Mama wolf.
• Whitney looks like she’s going to cry and Roxy looks like she’s on an acid trip.  All in all this is exactly how I feel when I’m watching this show.

THE END.

The City Recap: AKA – The Hills Season 2

The City is back on MTV and this time around it’s taking a different approach than it did last season.  What change, you ask?  Well, first off it followed the formula of another show you may have heard me mention before.  It’s called “The Hills.”  Specifically, season 2 of The Hills.  By this I mean, they got rid of the 2 dudes and hired a chick named Roxy to stir up some trouble just like Heidi Montag did.  I look forward to the day when Roxy gets her rack done and possible her chin too.  One can dream.  Also, no one is named Roxy.

• The episode kicks off with the best thing to happen to television.  Kelly CUNTrone.  I’ve taken a lot of his for this nickname, but I legit think Kelly should be our next President or our next Lord.  Whichever comes first.  Roxy (the brunette version of Stephanie Pratt) is at the NYC division of Pubic Revolution to interview with Kelly, which consists of talking smack about Whitney wearinK yellow, Roxy wearing black, and when Roxy’s birthday is.  During this “interview” Kelly looks like she’s ready to off-herself. 
• As a sidenote, they better not cut the intro like they did in this episode.  I love the cowbell and I love watching Olivia look like she’s going to axe me across the forehead in the opening.  Bring that back please, STAT.
• Speaking of my little Olivia, it appears she is being promoted to “Accessories” at Elle Magazine.  I actually have no idea what that means, but it makes Olivia smile a lot.
• Olivia’s new boss is Erin. When Erin walks up the hallway they play music with drums pounding at a rapid pace.  I’ve learned a lot from Saturday morning cartoons, so this music indicates to me that Erin is going to be playing the role of “sass-master.”  Also, how old is Erin?  She kinda looks like she broke out of the trailer park to land this job, so good for her.  Although, I do already enjoy her because she literally talks out of the side of her mouth like Mary Jo Buttafucco.  So, basically, bonus points for that.
• Roxy’s eyebrows make her look surprised at all times.  Since she moved to NYC without a job or apartment, she’ll be staying with Whitney for a little while, which I assume will mean she’ll be there for the entire season and will trash Whitney’s pad with an out of control meth-fueled fiesta.  Ole!
• Erin Jo Buttafucco gives Olivia her first assignment for a segment they’re doing on the Today Show.  You know it’s the 4th hour of the Today Show because Olivia is involved.  Anyleegifford, Olivia must find a bathing suit and office attire that totals $125.00.  Olivia looks like she’s going to puke when she hears this dollar amount.  Although she could look like she’s going to puke because she probably ate 3 mints, had a diet Snapple, and smoked 10 cigarettes for breakfast.  Just a ritual I’m sure.  Say what you want about Olivia, but she’s hot and dresses like she’s going to a bar…for work.  And, at the end of the day, that’s what’s the most important.  Also, Erin looks like she wants to take a shot of Purell once Olivia leaves her cubical.
• A Moment of Reality:  Whitney’s new apartment actually looks like an actual NYC apartment.  It looks like the camera crew can barely fit in there.  I’m impressed.  Roxy and Whitney decide to have a small party at the apartment which I’m sure will turn into a disaster.
• Oh snap!  Olivia and the mute-like intern are back to show Erin Jo Buttafucco what they found for $125.00.  Erin Jo isn’t impressed and Olivia tells her the next time she can do it herself and storms out of the office.  On the way out of the office the door comes back and almost knocks her over, which, lets face it, rules the scene.  And life.  Alex the intern looks like she was about to mess her drawers.  Bonus.
• Is it just me or is Whitney getting hotter?  Also, is she 10 feet tall?  Awesome.
• Kelly CUNTrone gives Whitney some motherly advice telling her that she hopes Whitney’s friends treat her as nice as she treats them.  Awww.  It’s not as good as the “blue-bird on your shoulder” reference from last season, but still nice.  Words of Wisdom, by Kelly Cutrone.  Me gusta Kelly.
• It’s party time at Whitney and Roxy’s House of Horror!  I thought Roxy didn’t know anyone, yet she’s texting 3,000 people to show up last minute to the fiesta.  Eh,who cares.  I stopped caring the second I spotted Sleepy Time Allie at the party!  Allie, who got demoted from last season, had one line this time around.  “Do you know any of these people?”  I’m sure after that line she went into the bedroom and took a nap.
• Whitney shows up late and sees 3,000 people in her apartment.  Poor Whitney.  And by “poor” I mean “rich.” 
• Whitney tells Roxy she got the job at Pubic Revolution just seconds before the cops come and break up the party.  I would have loved to see Whitney get dragged out kicking and screaming Attica! Attica!  Attica!
• Hey I was right!  Olivia and crew did scrore the 4th hour of the Today Show (minus Kathy Lee).  Why is Olivia always hunched over?  Anykotbe, the head chick in charge (who is wearing a Failure Model Chick leopard caftan) is giving Olivia the side-eye after the segment for matching colors….or something….I don’t know…I couldn’t follow it.  I was hypnotized by the leopard print.

I actually like this better than The Hills.  I mean, they’re both hated, but The City was hated less.

The City Recap: Season Finale or Bust…or Dirt Nap. I’ll Take a Busted Dirt Nap.

IBBB Housekeeping Item:  Join me on Facebook!  You’ll Likely Regret It!

Well gang, get out all your eye rolls and dead stares now because it’s officially the last crapisode of The City for the season.  Sleepy Time Allie can finally get the rest she needs.   I’d like to spoon with her…and by spoon, I really mean fork.  Oh!  Oopa!  Here’s what went down on the Season Finale of The City (which I believe was just shot 14 minutes ago).

• Just like every episode starts, Whitney and Olivia get their assignment for some thing, or somebody, or some animal they need to pick out dresses for.  I have no idea where they said it is.  I’ll assume they’re picking out dresses in hell, which is where I am right now.  Sidenote, Olivia finally looks like she lost that weight she’s been packing on all season.  She must be up to Olsen size at this point.
• Oh well here’s a little wrench in the script!  Adam stops by The Bangs Monsters job and grabs her by the shoulders and asks to talk to her for a second.  The Bangs Monster looks like she just saw a dead person….or Sleepy Time….and the two head out to the lobby to chit-chat like school girls at the arts-and-crafts table.
• Sweet! They’re having a sass-off!  I love a sass-off!  Adam’s pulling the “Spencer Pratt I’ll Call You Out at Work” surprise!  What a real treat it is.  There’s lots of bleeping out of swear words.  They totally have my attention when they do that. 
• Ok so this fight consists of literally every single thing that the teenagers used to say on Sally Jesse Raphael: Teen Boot Camp episodes…which is: You don’t know me!  You don’t know me!  Don’t judge me!  You don’t know me!  You’re a player! You don’t know me! Don’t point your finger at me! You don’t know me! 
• Anyone else notice that Whitney and Olivia picking out clothes and fighting is really just  the new “Heidi hanging up clothes in her closet while Spencer yells at Heidi because of her mom?”  They don’t even try to switch it up.
• Sweeeeeeet! Whitney calls Lauren Cockring!  I think they should totally get Cami and Kristin from Laguna Beach on three-way….or just have a three-way…whatever is easier.  Lauren answers the phone and has the baby-doll “I just gave $2 dollar sucky sucky to the entire production crew of The Hills”  raspy voice. I miss that whorey raspy voice.
• Whit-o-palooza thinks she may have made a mistake coming to NYC.   I think she makes a mistake on the English language.  Who cares, we already know you signed up for season 2.  I hope that doesn’t air until 2012.
• Later, Sleepy Time Allie and her Wednesday Adams-like face stops by Casa de Bangs Monster and I notice two things that are more interesting than their conversation.  1.  The Bang Monster pinned back her bangs. 2. TBM painted that horrible lime-green wall to a light blue color.  The light blue really makes Sleepy Time’s eyes start to close.  See?  Even TBM is trying to help put Sleepy Time down for a nap.  Oh, where’s her binky?  Cute little Sleepy Time.  I bet she did boom boom in her onsie.  Seriously, what?!
• Well well well, it’s the Diane Von Fartandburp fashion show!  I bet there will be a lot of chaos and eye rolls. 
• What the hell song are they playing whilst the models are crapping down the catwalk?  It sounds like Kelly CUNTrone singing karaoke.  Oh I wish it was.  I miss her. She is a handsome woman…and could totally be the maternal mother of Sleepy Time Allie.  I’ll spend the downtime between seasons researching their family tree (which I assume is a Sleeping Willow….oopa!)
• Oh sniggity snap!  Whitney calls out Olivia on that whole “who pulled the pants” for the horrible cover of sucky Elle Magazine.  Who cares?  Pull my finger.  Anyway, Whitney finally speaks up and Olivia tells Whito that she’ll give her more credit and blah blah blah.  The best part is when Olivia walks way the camera follows her and she looks like a crazy person carrying axe ready to slaughter someone.  Priceless. 
• Stop the press.  No really, stop.  At the DVF afterparty, Whito is sitting by herself drinking (hot) and Diane Von Fartandburp comes creepily walking over towards Whitney like a troll coming out from under a bridge and asks Whit why she’s sitting alone, where her boyfriend is, etc.  Really?  Like she cares.  She’s Diane Von Fartandbrup and, well, Whitney’s Whitney.
• Oh it gets WAY better.  DVF starts spewing out quotes to Whitney such as, “Absence is to love, what the wind is to fire. When it’s a small fire, the wind kills it. But when it’s a real fire, it intensifies it. So absence should do that.”  Hahahahahaha! Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  You can totally read it all over Whitney’s face that she realized she got that wrong on her SATs!
• Sleepy Time and Adam and they’re terrible acting skills reunite.  Maybe they should get their own spin-off and by “spin-off” I mean “the electric chair.”  They’re a snooze.
• Olivia gets chosen to go to London for some job.  Looks like she’ll never be known as the girl who didn’t go to London.  She will, however, be known as the girl who forgot to eat food.
• Olivia breaks the news to Whitney about the job and Whitney looks like she’s ready to do #2 down Olivia’s throat. 
• What a surprise!  OzzyBobby is outside of DVF to surprise Whito and make my ears bleed.
• Ozzy Bobby tell Whitney that he (insert Australian accent) really does love and her it’s better late than never.  What a happy ending.
• Oh wait!  Toss out a z-snap because Whitney tells him it’s too little to late (just like Jojo sang) and she’s going to be on her own for now.  Wow, I’m kind of surprised.  Perhaps they’ve been listening to my rants and plan on scrapping Sleepy Time Allie, Adam, and Ozzy Bobby?  I’m like the great and powerful Oz(zy Bobby). 

Well folks, that’s that.  I must admit we all have our crosses to bear and recapping The City for this entire season was mine.  Now I’m off to find Olivia and have an eye-roll-off with her.  Cow bell, cow bell, cow bell!

The City Recap: Whitney and Jay Break Up, Olivia Blows the Meeting (and not in the good way), I Die a Little More Inside

• It’s date night for Ozzy Bobby and Adam.  The Ernie and Bert of our generation is at the movies snacking on popcorn and chit-chattin’ about Ozzy Bobby and his band going on “tour” and not telling Whitney yet.  They’re about two sentences away from braiding each others hair and putting fake makeup on their My Little Pony dolls.
• Whitney and Olivia need to present to 25 people at Diane Von Fartandburp about purses.  Tough times.  The good news is that Olivia dyed her hair blond and doesn’t have that jacked up braid going around her head.  I love when Olivia laughs at her own jokes.  She kinda opens her mouth and does the Stevie Wonder.  Signed, Sealed, Delivered, Up Yours, Olivia.
• Ozzy Bobby and the Bobette’s are practicing for their big “tour.”  Terrible.  If I wanted to listen to a bunch of horrible songs with Australian accents I toss in a DVD of Bindi Irwin (that f’n little bitch) and listen to her rap about stupid animals who are bound for extinction.  I wish I was extinct. 
• Seriously, are these scenes like 2 seconds long?  Thank Christ! 
• Ozzy Bobby is cleanly shaven and meets up with Whitney for dinner.  This must be a special occasion because he did, in fact, shave and he blew out his hair like Shadow Stevens on Hollywood Squares (I’ll take Joan Rivers for the circle).
• Ozzy Bobby tells Whitney that he’s going on tour (I wish he was going to war) and then throws himself under the bus by letting the scripted cat out of the scripted bag and tells her he’s known about this since they went to Miami.  Whitney blows a gasket.  I’ve learned when she does this she makes her words that end with “t’s” sound like words that end with “k’s” waaaaay more often.  As Whitney is walking out on Ozzy Bobby she tells him to find another place to stay tonight and even tosses in a “maybe you can call Danielle.”  Maybe I should call the Psychic Friends Network to see if they know if I’m going to jump out of my window in boredom.
• Even though Whitney’s life is falling to scripted piece she must still faux-work and put together a fake presentation for her part-time job.  Olivia is taking pictures of purses and not paying attention to Whitney and then she…wait for it….wait for it….cuts off Whitney in the middle of her talking.  Seriously, the same crap happens every episode.  They should make this show into a “Choose Your Own Adventure.”  During the “work scene” I would choose the option of “watching grass grow.”
• Later, the girls (in which I still don’t know most of their names…after 3,430 episodes) are out for drinks so Whitney can blow of some steam.  Even Sleepy Time Allie made it out.  Is is just me or does the lighting that they use make everyone else look good, except for Sleepy Time?  She looks like f’n Wednesday Adams.
• It’s meeting time at Diane Von Fartandburp!  When introduced, Olivia waves to everyone like she’s on a float at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Whitney, surprisingly, presents her crap very well.  I’m sure it was edited brilliantly.
• Yikes! Olivia blows this meeting like a whore during at sales convention in Vegas.  Not only does she stutter a shit-ton, but she also uses the word “um” about 75 times.  Perhaps my favorite, though, is when she creates her own word: multipletude. She also tosses in some key phrases like: “it has globally has relevance,” and  ”you can do longevity towards it,” and “people can look towards that.”  All genius.
• In the end Ozzy Bobby and Whitney break up.  Ozzy B thinks Whitney needs to be stronger…oh and the season is ending next week so it makes for a good story….a good story for people who care about their relationship.
• Ozzy Bobby leaves her apartment and Whitney is left to cry, but not before Ozzy B cries himself.  Hahaha!  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! Maybe he can use the “panties that girls will be throwing on stage” when he’s performing to dry his tears.  Peace out, douche.  Bring Adam with you.

One more episode left of the season!  Thanks Jesus Claus!

The City Recap: So, Uh, Whitney’s Not Knockin’ Boots (Do “the Kids” Still Say “Knockin’ Boots?”)

I would just like to say that I am in no way being paid to blog The City.  I say that because I feel like I should be.  I should be paid to watch this horror for 22 minutes once/per week.  I feel like doing this free-of-charge will help secure me into Sainthood once I meet Santa Christ in heaven.  Do they still have purgatory?  If so, I’m sure I’ll be there for a spell.  I’m sure I’ll see most of you there too.  I’ll be the one with a laptop on my lap without keys on the keyboard.  That’s purgatory for ya!

Anyway, I feel like a broken record saying that this episode was the worst one yet but, alas, it was.  This was one of those shows where everything that happened in the crapisode was actually shown during the commercial that they played 2,571 times during the week.  Here’s what went down:

• Whitney and Olivia (and her braid/curls) are tasked with choosing clothes for Jessica Alba to wear on the cover of Elle Magazine.  I thought they worked for Diane Von Fartandburp?  I’m confused.  Am I watching The City, The Hills, America’s Next Top Model, or Fashonista?  Wait, these are all technically the same show. Eureka!
• Whilst Olivia is trying to pick out crappy clothes for the magazine shoot I realize that she is wearing her “Colonel Sanders” white jacket again.  Awesome.  Whitney is trying to convince Olivia of an outfit for the shoot, but to no one’s surprise, shock, and awe, Olivia does not want that outfit for the shoot.  This is of actually no surprise since these scenes were all shown during the commercial.  Oh and, spoiler-alert, Olivia gets the electric-chair at the end of this episode.
• Meanwhile over at Casa de Bangs Monster, Sleepy Time Allie drags her lifeless body into the apartment as she will be staying with The Bangs Monster until she finds a place.  Seriously, Sleepy Time is the worst.  She can barely keep her eyes open, can barely crack a smile, and sounds like she’s whining allllll the time.  I’m pretty sure these are all signs of malnourishment.  I once sent $10.00 a month to one of those “adopt a kid overseas” type things that Sally Struthers promoted and the kid I got totally reminds be of Sleepy Time.  It’s like whine whine whine.  Blah blah blah.  “I’m hungry. Send food.  There’s so many flies here.”  I wanted to write back and be like, “I had to give up coffee for a month to faux-adopt you, so stop complaining.”  I bet my kid turned out to be one of those SlumDog Millionaire actors.  Damn it! I should have kept in touch.
• What’s up with Ozzy Bobby’s teeth?  Overbite?  Confusing.  They’re not Audrina teef, but something is up for sure.  And where are the sub-titles in his scenes?  I’m still not following.
• Are you all sitting down?  Get this.  The clothes that Whitney chose ended up on the cover of Elle Magazine and, are you ready for this, Olivia took the credit for it.  The look on Whit’s face was priceless.  She looked like someone was trying to explain how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly to her.  Either that or she was trying to figure out what the tip should be from her dinner.  Regardless, brilliant Whitney looks and expressions.  Very reminiscent of The Hills.
• Later the night Whitney and the girls go for drinks.  All boring.  However, things take a turn when Whitney basically admits that she and Ozzy Bobby aren’t doing “boom boom” in the bedroom anymore since he gets back to the apartment at 5am.  Sad.  Very sad.  I say she should call Kelly Cutrone to come on over, grow out her beard, strap on a little something, and play Ozzy Bobby for her.  Anyone with me?
• Ozzy Bobby and Adam (the Bert and Ernie of our generation) are at the Pink Elephant drinking and speaking with sub-titles.  Finally.  To no one’s surprise, Dani (Ozzy Bobby’s ex) is somehow there.  You see, she’s in NYC for two days.  Oh, and the script told her to be there and where to stand.  Ozzy B goes over to talk to her and make a Vegemite sandwich.  Boring story short, he asks Dani if she’s ready to get out of there.  That’s code for either: (1) Wanna go back and make whoopi until 4:30 in the morning and then I’ll show back up at Whitney’s or (2) want to walk off the set together and then part ways when we hear them yell “cut!” 
• At the Elle luncheon there are actually people there from both Fashionista and America’s Next Top Model.  Seriously, I’m an F’n genius!  Dianne Von Fartandburp is apparently eating directly out of the bowls in the buffet line.  I kinda dig her.  She’s a mess.  I bet she likes to kick and stretch.  She’s 50!  Olivia continues to take the credit for the Elle cover.  Whitney handles it well by walking away and placing her hands over her entire face.  This symbolizes “frustration.”  I love when I find symbolism in The City.  They make it so hard to figure out though.
• Finally, Sleepy Time Allie and Whitney have coffee at this place where I want to eat everything that I saw.  I like cake.  Anyway, Sleepy Time musters up enough energy to say her lines and tell Whitney that Ozzy Bobby was hanging out with his ex, Dani, last night.  Poor Whitney.  She looks pissed and sad.  Maybe she just looks like she wants to take a piss.  It’s hard to decipher.  Ohhh I just used the word “decipher.”  I am wicked smart.  Anyway, was it just me or did anyone else want to eat that red cake that was directly behind Whitney in that last scene?  I mean, I know Sleepy Time Allie didn’t want to eat it, but I did.

This was the worst. So basically, Olivia stole the credit for the Elle cover and Ozzy Bobby hung out with his ex-girlfriend without tellinK Whitney.  That’s it.  That’s all.  Next week may be a little promising.  Ozzy Bobby is peacing out and going “on tour” and walking out on Whitney. If someone would toss Sleepy Time in a tanning bed, this may save the entire season.  I’ll begin the letter writing campaign.

The City Recap: Miami Just Got Douchier

Where to begin?  Where to begin?  As much as I like to throw “Sleepy Time” Allie/Vicky the Robot under the blogging bus on a weekly basis, I kinda think that she saved this episode for me.  I mean, watching her “model” brought new meaning to my life, but we’ll get to that in a bit.  This episode, to me, was so bad that I’m not even giving it bullet points.  Instead, here’s what was learned as we traveled through this crazy show called, “The City.”

The Douche Bag Gang 2.0 (minus Sleepy Time Allie) are heading out of the cold streets of NYC and are going on a trip to sunny Miami.  Sleepy Time Allie gives instructions to The Bangs Monster to keep a watchful eye over Adam, who must not realize there is a camera crew following him whilst he’s out.  Now I’m pretty sure that I saw in Us Weekly two weeks ago that the gang was filming scenes in Miami so this is like watching The City in real-time. 

If there is one big take-away from the scenes in Miami it’s that it’s filled with bare-asses, big sunglasses, and Australian accents.  The City took a cue from The Hills, last season, and staged the dudes to soak in a hot-tub.  Douche soup!  The guys talk about wreaking havoc while on their trip and Whitney discusses to the ladies that she does trust Jay and that some people can call her naive.  Uh, those “people” are me.  Although, I probably just typed that you were naive…and I probably spelled it “Nivea.”  I’m smart like that.  Wait a second, would Whitney and me (Whitney and I?) make the perfect couple?  Hmmm.

Anyrot, the highlight for the entire episode for me was watching Sleepy Time Allie “model.”  Pure brilliance.  Watching Sleepy Time Allie model is like watching her shoot a normal scene for The City.  She looks pissed off, tired, and like she’s about to pass out at a moments notice.  I’m also almost certain that the dude she was “modeling” with was John Norris from MTV news.  At some points Sleepy Time Allie would crack a bit of a smile.  That smile actually changes the entire look of her face.  She should stop that at once.

John Norris tries to put the scripted moves on Sleepy Time.  He asks her to grab a beer or a Snapple.  Sleepy Time alerts John Norris that she has a boyfriend so “it’s kinda weird.”  Being forced to watch Sleepy Time flirt should be a tactic they use to force the terrorists to give up their secrets.  I swear to Jesus Claus, if we tossed Sleepy Time Allie into a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden would come running out waving a white flag and with wine corks in his ears and eyes.  He’s like “screw the 100 virgins in heaven, I’d rather rot in jail than listen to this bitch.”

Meanwhile, the club that the Douche Bag Gang 2.0 is at is like my personal hell.  Nightmare city.  To everyone’s shock, Ozzy Bobby’s ex-girlfriend (??) Danielle/Dani is there standing just steps away from Ozzy B and Whitney.  She goes over to chat it up with Whitney and Dani pulls  a line from the “Lo Bosworth book of Audrina” and ends her conversation to Whitney by saying, “I’m glad we could talk.”  I’m glad this episode is halfway over.   The only thing that saved this scene was The Bangs Monster constantly watching Adam in “the club” the whole time.  She’s like a diddler sitting on a park bench gazing at the jungle gym.  The Bangs Monster calls Sleepy Time to let her know that there are girls standing around Adam.  Yeah, because that’s a crime.  It’s a club.  And there is a camera crew around him.  That’s odd.

All this information has forced Sleepy Time to take John Norris up on his offer to grab a beer and/or a Snapple.  Sleepy Time puts on an Olsen Slut fur coat and leaves the photo shoot with John Norris.  I wonder what happened next?  I mean, I’m sure they yelled “cut” and then they pulled the batteries out of Sleepy Time and stored her in a large box until the next scene.

The Douche Bag Gang 2.0 is back from Miami.  That was quick.  I’m sure the producers were like, “this is stupid” and made them go home.  Whitney and Ozzy Bobby are having a discussion about people who over-justify things and blah blah blah.  Whitney is pissed about the whole Dani situation and says that the conversation is making her nauseous.  The conversation is making her sick.  Uh, Whitney, you now know how we all feel having to watch this crap on a weekly basis.  I should go on Intervention for my addiction to this crap.  Whitney also lets us know that she doesn’t want to be played for a fool.  Too late.  It was originally called “The Hills: Season 1 Episode 2.”

Adam and Sleepy Time meet up for some dinner and they fight it out the whole time.  Sleepy Time Allie releases water from her eyes because Adam had girls around him in Miami.  He’s a whiny bitch.  She’s the worst.  Actually, I’m the worst because I watch this and then write about it.  I need medical help.  Sleepy Time tells Adam about getting a Snapple with John Norris and that she should start faux-looking for a new apartment.  Good.  Get that apartment and lock yourself in there for life.  Seriously, if they don’t cut Adam, Ozzy Bobby, and Sleepy Time out of next season I’m going to be pissed.

In the end, Whitney is shopping with Jess, Pottsy’s girlfriend.  I’m actually going to repeat that.  Jess, Pottsy’s girlfriend.  One more time.  Jess, Pottsy’s girlfriend.  Who in the holy F is Jess?  More importantly, who the F is Pottsy?  What have I missed? Are they just messing with us? And why can you park a bus between the gap in Jess’s front teeth?  Seriously, a school bus.  She should get that shit closed up. 

Anyway, “Pottsy’s girlfriend” lets Whitney know that Jay has a temper, is untrustworthy (which Whitney doesn’t understand what that word means) and that “there’s always something with Jay.”  Yeah, an Australian accent.  I wonder what Pottsy thinks of this?

Seriously, was this the worst episode of the season?  And where was my little Olivia?  What a shame when she’s not on the show. Maybe we can set Olivia up with Pottsy?  Pottsy.  Really?  Pottsy.

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The City Recap: Christmas, New Years, Jesus.

*Thanks to everyone who took part in the live blogging/chat last night on IBBB during The City.  It was good times!  We should do it again sometime.

Gas up the snow machine and leave out some cookies for Cutrone Claus because it’s the “A Very City Christmas” episode of The City and since there’s not a hell of a lot going on in this episode they also managed to cram New Years into this one too. Cow bell, cow bell, cow bell.

• I’m not quite sure what “scenes” from New York they’re showing during Christmas time because I’m seeing a lot of lights, some ice-skating, and some light snow, but you know what seems to be missing?  The 3 gazillion people who are scattered all over the streets of NYC during the holiday asking people where the f’n Empire State Building is and Rockefeller Center is located.  Did “The City” folks ask everyone to “step aside” whilst they shot these scenes?  Trust me, it’s a nightmare.  Ho ho ho.
• MerrK Christmas, you guys!  It’s the Diane Von Fartenburp Christmas party that’s being held right inside the office! And it gets better.  It’s buffet-style!  Whitney and her “co-workers” are cheers’ing it up and Whitney is telling hilarious stories about not knowing who the editor of Vanity Fair was at a fashion show.  All the other girls squeal with delight.  Yes, folks, this is actually their lives. 
• Olivia is telling some random that if she wants to get into PR she can sit down with her and practice by asking her questions, etc.  This sounds like a terrible idea.  Perhaps if this chick was interviewing for a reality show then Olivia could be like, “Let me show you how to do eye rolls and not look at the camera.”  But I’m not sure if you’d want to practice your “job interviewing skills” with her.  Just a guess.
• I heart Diane Von Fartenburp.  I’m pretty sure she’s drunk when she’s toasting her employees.  I also love how she says “Christmas” party.  None of this “holiday” crap.  Fartenburp is edgy.
• Well kids it’s FINALLY happened.  After about 99 episodes of this crap I finally….FINALLY realize who Allie looks like.  Ready?  Ready for it?  She is totally a grown up version of Vicki “the robot” from Small Wonder.  And, as a sidenote, I’m pretty sure she’s a robot. Allie’s new name is being changed from “Death” to “Vicki the Robot.”  I may sometimes even call her “Small Wonder.”  You’ve been warned.
• Vicki the Robot and Adam are having a “brains-off” competition and discussing their competitive game of Scrabble from the night before.  I can image that game consisting of words that include: dog, cat, woof, meow, milk, mama, dada, and binky.
• I think Vicki the Robot and Adam are also having a douche-off.  Adam is wearing a douchey gold pinky ring and Vicki the Robot is wearing some red eye makeup that leads me to believe she’s in the middle of filming a slasher movie.
• We have a very special guest star on The City this week!  Ladies and gentlemen I an honored to announce: Jesus of Nazareth!  I knew the second time Christ came to earth it would be for The City.  I knew it!  Yes, The Bangs Monster is actually wearing what I believe is Jesus’ crown of thorns.  Try to dodge that lightening bolt, Erin!  Seriously, what the hell is around her head?
• Almost as fitting, Whitney is wearing what looks like a sleep mask around her head.  You know, the kind that says “Last Night’s Coctail Queen” across the front.
• Duncan, The Bangs Monster’s boyfriend, looks like Joseph, Jesus’ father.  Am I watching a Catholic grammar school Christmas play?  Where the hell are the 3 Wise-men and the manger?  Olivia would, clearly, be Mary Magdalene.  Whitney would be the Virgin Mary.  Nevan would be Judas.  Ozzy Bobby would be one of the apostles.  Allie would be one of the aliens (they were in the Bible, right?).  Adam would be one of the lepers.  All done.
• Meanwhile, back in Tribeca, the next morning Nevan wakes up all hungover on Olivia’s couch.  She thinks he trashed the place, but all I really see is a bowl of chips and one can of Bud Light.  Really?  Bud Light?  These people pretend they’re rich, but kick back Bud Lights?  What happened to the “Champy?”  Also, Nevan has a band-aid on his arm that pretty much makes me think he’s shooting up heroin in Olivia’s walk-in closet.  I bet Mr. Butler helps tie a belt around his arm so he can find his vain.  I learned all that from Intervention.
• Uh-oh, Adam and Ozzy Bobby are about to throw down.  Adam, who’s wearing Cliff Huxtable’s sweater, is telling Ozzy Bobby that he wants Vicki the Robot to move in full time and Ozzy B needs to move him and his kangeroo out.  Ozzy Bobby storms out of the empty restaurant.  It’s like Ernie and Bert are breaking up.
• Look, I couldn’t care less about The Bangs Monster and Duncan situation.  I’m more engrossed in that f’n black and white picture of The Bangs Monster and her dad that’s in the background of every scene.  Can they start mass-producing that an selling it at IKEA?
• Duncan wants TBM to “figure her sh*t out” and get back to him when she’s ready.  TMB takes a cue from the “Lauren Conrad School of How to Cry with One Tear” and lays on the couch and does, in fact, release one tear from her eye and down her cheek.  This is a deep moment.  TBM has real life problems.  What recession?
• As a sidenote, watching TBM cry with one tear reminded me of that episode of Full House when Uncle Jesse was moving out and Michelle gave him her favorite stuffed pig and Uncle Jesse left Michelle’s room and one tear fell down his face.  Brilliant.
• Alright alright!  It’s New Years!  Vick the Robot is trashed!  Thank God, it’s the only time she seems actually life-like.  Adam and Ozzy Bobby are wearing top-hats because they’re those d-bags who still think it’s funny to wear top-hats and canes to parties and/or high-school proms.  It wasn’t funny that and it’s not really funny now.  It smells like salty-douche to me!
• Ozzy Bobby tells Whitney that Adam wants him to move out and he may need to stay with her for a few days.  Whitney looks like she may vomit.  It may be because he asked her that or it may be because I suspect Whitney to be drunk off of Zima.  That can do it to you as well.
• It’s midnight and everyone kisses…..except The Bangs Monster.  Sad.  She should take down her bangs and try to kiss them.
• In the end, The Bangs Monster goes outside to check her voicemail and no one called her.  She does this on speaker phone so that we can hear her recording say “You have no new messages.”  Uh-oh.  Dirt nap alert!

What a lame Christmas and New Years.  The only good thing that came out of this was that I finally realized that Allie looks like Vicki the Robot.  See?  Everything happens for a reason.

The City Recap: Mr Butler (Olivia’s Dog) is the Best Part of the Show. Spinoff, Please!

Programming Note:  Please join IBBB next Monday night as I will be live blogging/Twittering “The City.”  That’s right, live.  This is sure to be an absolute disaster, but come to IBBB on Monday night at 10pm EST and you’ll be able to comment as I’m live blogging/Twittering.  Sounds tedious.  See you then!  Oh, and sign up to follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/ibbb

Plug Update:  If you love The City recaps, you’ll love my “Oregon Trail Predicts How the Cast of The Hills Will Die.” Yeah, I’m still talking about that.  I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.  Spread the word!

Now onto The City recap….cow bell cow bell cow bell cow bell…..

• Sweet! We’re going to get to see Ozzy Bobby and his band play in this episode.  I believe their name is “Jesse and the Rippers.”  Listening to them play actually makes me think “Do the Jessman” is more entertaining.  Whitney drums up the brilliant idea to invite Olivia to see the band play.  I bet that’ll be a great idea without any drama and awkward moments.
• Dude, how skinny is Olivia?  She looks 2 toothbrushes deep skinny, if ya know what I mean.  If not, let me explain.  It looks like she got that skinny by shoving 2 toothbrushes down her throat as a way to make herself throw up the food that she ate and, in turn, lose weight.  Was that not clear?  Also, that black shaggy jacket she’s wearing makes it look like a bear is trying to bum-rape her.  Bum rape. Ouch.
• Lunch with Olivia and Nevan seems painful, not only because he calls her “babe” but because I also can’t seem to figure out if something is wrong with his eyes…like he has that lazy-eye disease.  You can’t catch that, right?
• Whitney and “The Bangs Monster” are in cab heading to Olivia’s apartment, but it looks like there’s a green-screen behind them and the editing department just made it seem like they were in a cab.  Also, how many camera people are in the front seat because we’re seeing about 3 different angles of Whit and The Bangs Monster during the cab ride.  I bet the cab is just on a flatbed truck and that truck is driving all of them around town.
• Yay! Olivia’s apartment!  I like seeing this because I want to learn some good hiding places so that one day when I find her apartment and break in, I’ll know where I can secretly live for 2 weeks and watch her every move.  Is that odd?
• Olivia’s apartment isn’t that big.  I know that sounds bad, but it’s not.  It’s insanely nice, but it’s “New York City” sized.  Although she does have a huge walk-in closet (that’s probably replaced the kitchen) with hats on mannequin heads because, you know, that’s normal.
• Whitney and The Bangs Monster arrive at Olivia’s apartment and Olivia is dressed like Colonel Sanders.  I was expecting her to pass them a bucket of chicken and a side of cole slaw when they entered.  We do learn, however, the best part of the episode for me…which is that Olivia’s dogs name is “Mr. Butler.”  Let me repeat that for ya.  Mr. Butler.  Look, any animal that has a “Mr” or “Mrs” is just wrong.  And it’s a key indicator that the owner has douche-like qualities.
• We also learn that Olivia calls champagne “Champy.”  Worst. Ever.  At this moment I began my “deny citizenship” process.
• Olivia is giving the girls “champy” and changing outfits because she feels like she should wear “all black to a rock concert.”  Olivia changes from her white Colonel Sanders jacket to, what I believe is, the same jacket except in black.  The girls are officially late for the “rock concert.”  This is actually the storyline of the episode.  No really, that’s it.
• At the “rock concert” I believe Jesse and the Rippers just finished their take on “Human Pudding.”  We’re human!  We’re pudding!  Human pudding!
• Later, Whitney asks The Bangs Monster to “go to the bathroom” so that Whitney can actually talk about how Ozzy Bobby is pissed that Whitney was late for the “show.”  Really?  Whitney is all concerned over this.  Why do I feel like if Whitney got slapped by Ozzy Bobby she’d think she deserved it.  Grow a pair, Whit.  Be more like Kelly Cutrone…you know, have testicles and a penis.
• The next day, Olivia plays Santa Claus, and books Jesse and the Rippers at a charity event at The Gansevoort Hotel.  Can I say I love this place?  Great roof-deck.  And I love drinking on a roof.  Sure, that’s a problem, but I like it.
• Sidenote, Ozzy Bobby couldn’t be any less grateful that Olivia got him this gig.  I just said “gig.”
• The Bangs Monster and her ex-boyfriend head out to have a candlelit dinner.  My favorite color is blue.
• Woo hoo! Lame party at Hotel Gansevoort!  Ok, it’s usually not that lame.  Maybe it is.  Maybe I’m lame.  I probably am.  The drinks there are kinda overpriced, but still cool view. 
• Jesse and the Rippers are performing and Nevan is 100% teeing off on them while they’re playing.  It’s almost like he’s live blogging this performance.  Does he read my site?  He even makes a cow bell joke.  Hmmm, suspect.  Nevan continues to make fun of Ozzy Bobby and Whitney hears the whole thing….er…I mean the whole thinK.  Sure Nevan (or “Bevan” as Ozzy Bobby likes to call him) is a huge huge huge tool, but this part was actually kind of funny and made the episode worth watching.  There, I said it.
• Ozzy Bobby and Whitney left the “show” without even saying “bye” or “thanks” to Olivia and her two braids that she always has wrapped around her head.  How rude!  Someone is about to get hell in the office tomorrow!
• Fast forward past the boring Bangs Monster and her pointless love-life and let’s move onto Olivia yelling at Whitney in work….
• Olivia asks Whitney what she thought of last night…even before she took off her Sargent Pepper jacket.  To my surprise, Whitney tells Olivia that she thought it was a stab in the back (ouch) to have Olivia and Nevan standing in the back and hearing Neven making fun of the band the whole time.  It wasn’t so much a “stab in the back” as it was “needed in order to make this show watchable.”  There’s a difference, Whitney.  Know it. Understand it. Embrace it. Love it. Live by it.  Sit on it.  Shit on it.  Diddle it.
• Olivia does not take “the crap” from Whitney at all.  I believe this part is not scripted at all, because I had a little cringe factor while watching it.  Olivia is such a big B.  I love it.  She cuts Whitney off whilst talking (talkinK) and ends the conversation by saying that it’s not the time nor place (I think she said “nor”) to discuss this and in the future they need to keep their personal crap out of work.  Oh no she didn’t!  Nobody better make my Whitney feel bad. Nobody!  Except Olivia…so…uh…I guess it’s ok then.

So, favorite part of the episode?  Ozzy Bobby’s band?  Mr. Butler?  The “altercation” in work?  Olivia trying to dance at “the show?”  Which was it?

Don’t forget to be here…LIVE…next Monday at 10 pm EST and live blog The City with me (don’t worry..there will still be a full recap the next day.) http://www.twitter.com/ibbb

Discuss!