More Mindless Stories on ‘temp’
Dear All People Who Signed Up For Oprah’s “No Phone Zone” Pledge,
I don’t believe you.
Over 120,000 people have taken Oprah’s “No Phone Zone” pledge where they’re either claiming they will not text while driving, or will not text while driving, but may use handsfree calling if they need to use the phone, or will not text while driving, but will pull over if they need to use the phone. Look, I get it. Oprah has a point. It’s not that smart to text while driving, but it’s a bit easier for the person to create this “pledge” when they are typically driven around in a chauffeured automobile.
Also, why isn’t it ok to text if you are sitting in traffic or at a complete stop at a stop light? Ok, maybe the “sitting in traffic” part is a little overboard, but still. I expect to get some nastygrams over this blog post, but I just wanted to call “B.S” on most of the people who signed this pledge. They just want to anonymously impress Oprah and do whatever she says. And “yes” I’m talking to you Julia Roooooobbbbbberrrrts! And “yes” I’m talking to you John Traaaaaavvvvvolta! Fine I just wanted to toss in my Oprah impression. That is all.
Lower the flags to half staff and bring in the dog. Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey, it is rumored/confirmed, has decided to end her show after 25 years in September 2011. Now most of you have probably never heard of her show before. It’s called “Oprah.” It’s a talk show. I believe it’s watched by people in The United States and/or of the Americas, Canada, and parts of New Mexico.
Tim Bennett, President of Oprah’s “Harpo” production company has made this horrible announcement and states that Oprah may discuss this more on Friday’s live show. Ugh, if there even is a Friday anymore.
What I want to know is, what is Oprah going to do for money? I mean, it’s likely that unemployment will still be on the rise in Sept 2011 and I worry for her finances. I mean, she’s been a talk show host for 25 years. That doesn’t exactly qualify you work at Dairy Queen or a Coconut Records or anything.
As the old saying goes, “Quitters Never Prosper” and I agree with this statement. Oprah will, more than likely, never prosper and just fade into the sunset. I now envision her, Gayle, and Stedman living in a broken down shack in the middle of the woods in Utah, where they will probably kidnap some kids and hold them their as sex slaves and the like. Poor Oprah. Poor America. Poor New Mexico.
Dear Oprah, I Would Have Been Totally Fine if You Stopped After the Whitney Houston Interview. Really.
Hey Oprah, how are you? You’re right, I apologize. I’ll try it again. Hello Blessed Mother Oprah of the Winfrey’s, how are you? Look, I get it. I really do. Your ratings are down a bit. Judge Judy has been mopping the floor with your bummity-bum, probably thanks to me and my dad who love a little Judy. I must be honest. I was pumped when I heard Whitney Houston was going to be on your show because I was secretly praying for some more crazy crack talk. I even tuned into to see your Flash Mob (giggity) on your season premiere. However comma backslash, you wanna know what I don’t want to hear? I actually don’t want to hear Julie from One Day at a Time telling us that she played “Diddles For Sale” with her dad, who I can only assume was Schneider.
Look, I get that Mackenzie Phillips is selling her new book like a hooker in heat on Wall Street during a recession, but that little story that she’s telling to the world, well, that’s the type of story you add to your Will, place in a glass bottle, and toss into the ocean moments before you die. You don’t exactly go on Oprah and tell this while you’re still alive and kicking. You don’t want to know about the skid marks in my underwear and I don’t want to know about your sexual escapades with Schneider.
It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.” Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year. Catchy title. Anyway, I was red with secondhand embarressment when I read how pumped I appeared in anticipation of Oprah’s new reality show. What a let down. Anyway, here’s what I was discussing about Oprah….this time last year.
Put a cork in your spray tan gun because Oprah’s giving away makeoverrrrrrrrs! Everybody gets a makeover. You get a makeover and you get a makeover and you get a makeover and you get a makeover. Everybody gets a makeooovvvverrrrrrr! Ok I’m done.