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Teen Mom Recap: The One Where Farrah Wants to Join an Immigration Gang in Arizona

Farrah – Per usual we’re kicking things off with Farrah because her dirt bag attitude is this shows unsung hero.  Miss Gulch is in rear form during this crapisode but before we get to that it’s time to play “Where in the World Is Our Glow Worm Going?” (sung to the tune of the Carmen San Diego theme song).  After Farrah’s trip to LA was a complete bust (shout out to her new store-bought rack) it’s time to visit sunny Arizona!  To no ones surprise, Debra and Michael aren’t going to make this easy for Farrah and they’re certainly not going to make it easy for her doll bangs.  All this is taking place whilst “the family” is decorating a gingerbread house for Christmas and Michael is taking pictures of them with his disposable camera.  One more time.  With this disposable camera.  You mean to tell me that they live in a gated house but can’t splurge on a camera that isn’t passed out at white trash weddings for free?  Our favorite Who, Debra, is worried that if Farrah lives in Arizona, who’s going to take care of her baby Goo?  Please, good riddance.  Debra is also concerned about problems in Arizona like “immigration controversy” and “bad gangs and crime.”  First off, you can tell Farrah has no clue what “controversy” Debra is talking about in regards to immigration because she fights her back by saying, “well they’ve really cracked down on it lately.”  Um, ok.  Our little glow worm needs to stick to just glittering, glittering.  Besides, how awesome would joining a gang be?  I mean, we’re practically witnessing one right now.  Farrah’s gang, “UGBB” (Ugly Crying B*tch Bags) would have a trademark gang symbol which would be making a scissors motion across your forehead as if you cut your own bangs.  And, Debra’s gang would be called, “Steal Claw” and they would smuggle bags of coke in their blazer shoulder pads.  I’d join either.

The rest of the episode basically consists of Farrah yelling at Debra and Michael on the regular.  After they drop her dumb dog off at some crack-heads house filled with puppetry and zinc pink lipstick, they head off to the airport and Farrah gets pissed that Debra is trying to check in Baby Goo when Farrah already did.  Please, put her in one of those dog cages and lets get this show on the road.  Debra is spending a little too long at the check-in counter basically filling out an online dating profile with the worker because we learn things like she’s claustrophobic and must sit in the middle seat.  Clearly someone loves to be the meat in a blah sandwich at 30,000 feet.  I envision Michael and Farrah resting their head on each of Debra’s shoulder pads.  Hot damn I love that woman.  More importantly Michael is sporting an army green jacket that says Key West on the back.  Ooo la la, that must be imported directly from the runways of Milan!  Also, weren’t these two supposed to get divorced two seasons ago?  Apparently Michael, like Gary, loves to take a beating.  That poor bastard.  He is beaten down in every sense of the word. Oh, and he kinda looks like the douche who runs TMZ.

Later the car ride from hell takes place when Debra basically kidnaps Farrah and Michael and makes them tour million dollar homes in Arizona.  She then takes the time to complain that she’d rather be hiking than taking Farrah house hunting.  More like she’d rather kill Farrah during the hike and ditch her worm-like body in the woods.  Michael would, of course, purposely get lost somewhere on the trail and pray for a 127 hours moment where maybe his dinky is trapped in Debra’s claw for the full 127 hours.  Debra, of course, would gnaw it off so that he could be freed…as she has done metaphorically over the past 20 years of marriage.  Regardless, Farrah is a miserable B the whole time.  Her half-a-bowl-cut must be too tight because she’s ready to throw down.   My money is on Debra.  Always.

Once it’s finally Farrah’s turn to see houses she can actually afford Debra basically drives her to the ghetto and is like, “These are gang areas!  This is where you get your car stripped and shot at.”  Really?  Something tells me Farrah is safer out there than she is inside Debra’s house when she’s on a butcher knife stabbing spree.  They end up taking the tour of some house, without a realtor (basically breaking and entering) and they both hate it.  They make it seem like it’s the trashiest house ever created, but you totally know Butch and April would think it was a Beverly Hills mansion.  Snobs.  My favorite part was when Debra said how bad the backyard is and Farrah looks out and just says, “Well I don’t really like grass anyway.”  Douche.  Who doesn’t like grass?  Worst. Child. Ever.

In the end, the gang heads out for a nice dinner and within seconds Michael is ordering a Prickly Pear Margarita.  He looks pissed.  Actually he looks like he’d rather take a giant cactus up his pooper than have to sit across from Farrah.  The entire time she is a giant douche bolsa and basically yells at them the entire time.  No matter what they say she has a flip answer.  For example:

Michael:  Did you like the some of those town houses, Farrah?

Farrah:  Of course I like the town houses, Michael.  Why wouldn’t I?

Michael:  Do you know what you’re going to order?

Farrah:  Yes, Michael.  I know what to order because I’ve been to a restaurant before.

Michael:  Is it too late for an abortion?

Farrah:  No, I love Sophia.

Michael:  I was talking to your mother.

Fine, I made those last two parts up, but you catch by drift.  And I’m wafting.  I am wafting.  Anyawkwardconversation, Michael keeps telling Farrah to stop putting them down (I felt bad) and then the waitress interrupts them and looks like she’d rather dirt-nap herself than have to serve them.  Awkward!  He immediately orders another Margarita and I yelled at my TV, “Just go for shots!”  Debra, is not amused at Farrah’s behavior and tells her that she “needs help” and then walks away from the table saying “I’m done” like she’s an elderly Audrina fighting with Justin Bobby.  She should have been like, “B*tch I’m gonna pin you down right here in this restaurant and I’m going to wear my reflective vest that the court ordered me to wear when I had to pick up trash on the side of the road for community service because I want everybody in this restaurant to see me beating the bag out of you.  Also, I’m into safety.”  Now that would have been much better.  However, in in the end they all decide to get counseling together because they are the worst family in America.  Glitter, glitter.

Amber – Ambuuuuh!  It’s still Christmas for “the poors” so that can only mean one thing and that is, of course, that it’s time to blow up a creepy Santa that comes busting out of a Christmas tree very very slowly.  Kinda like the way that Gary slowly busts out of pants or condoms, had he worn them.  Condoms, I mean.  Pants, thank Christ.  Amber’s (puke) boyfriend is still in the picture and has his hair slicked up within an inch of its life.  It’s basically a Reverse Squiggy, for those of you playing a long at home.  As a side note, that Santa popping up is freaking me out.  It’s technically seeing Amber more times per day than Leah is.  Hey-oh!  Thank you folks, thank you.  I’m actually glad that Amber (Ambuuuh!) found someone who likes to sit slouched on the couch as much as her, but eats less than Gar Bear.  Oh that poor son-of-a-b*tch, I should leave him alone.  Sometimes love hurts.

Later there’s a knock on the door and I assumed it was CPS coming to look for Leah and make sure she wasn’t being kicked down a flight of stairs and still had both her arms and at least one of her legs, but it was flower delivery with 5 dozen roses.  Amber hadn’t picked up something so heavy since she had to move Gary’s stomach to get to his dinker-doo.  Oh, that poor son-of-a-b*tch, I should leave him alone.  Anylovehandlesfromhell, Gar calls up Amber to see if she got the flowers.  That dumb F outed himself because the card said “From Your Secret Admirer.”  It should have then said, “…George Glass” but it didn’t.  Instead it said “Wink Wink.”  And I puked puked.  Gary just kept saying “5 dozen roses” and all I could think of was “5 dozen donuts” but, let’s face it, only 2 dozen would have made it to Amber’s and Gary would have been passed out on the floor of the ski chalet with powered all over this face and Leah would have been yelling “Frosty!” at him until he came to.  Clinton and Gary get into a little scuffle over the phone because Gary says that Clinton could never afford flowers like that and Clinton grabs the phone away from Amber’s Anna Nicole nails to tell Gary he’s going to kick his ass.  Really?  That’s like bragging you can drop a penny into a pool.   Shoot for a smaller target, Squiggy.  Also, I don’t want to see kids sitting on a potty anymore. It’s gross.

I have to admit I love how Gary and his life partner are both decorating the Christmas tree together.  It’s like a Norman Rockwell painting, if Norman Rockwell painted in a rusty dumpster and used food stamps to by bird food at the local Walgreens.  Watching these two in action is like seeing what would happen to Ernie and Bert if they let themselves go.  Most importantly, Gary is legit twice the size of the tree.   You know it’s time to diet when your daughter tries to string lights on you.  Have you called Jenny yet?  I would love it.

Things take a Amber somber moment when Amber busts out with the fact that today would have been her sister Candace’s birthdaynbut she died from SIDS when she was just a baby.  In the voiceover, Amber made sure to place more emphasis on the word “Death” just so we’d feel a little extra bad for her.   To be honest, it sounded like she said “Deaf” but why kick this b*tch whilst she’s down?  Also, if you think I’m going to make SIDS jokes you have another thing coming.  SIDS gives me the SADS especially when it happens to the FATS.  I mean, I don’t want to say that should be be their new slogan, but I’ll sell it to ya for a decent price.  Also, anyone notice that Gary has traded in that one white AERO t-shirt for a black Affliction t-shirt?  Please, he wishes he was at Guido status.  Instead of GTL he just ESS (Eat, Sleep, Sit).  Yeeeeeah buddy!

Since Amber is having a hard time with the death of her sister she calls her cousin Krystle Meth (who I actually think is Amber’s sister Candace who just faked her own death to get the hell out of that house) to come over so that they could safely drive around in a snow storm.  After putting on a few tears for the car cam, Amber calls up Gary and he spills the beans that he, Leah, and his new life partner are already decorating the Christmas tree.  Amber is pissed because she wanted to be there so that Leah could see them being a family and do it together.  Uh, Amber?  Yeah, Leah isn’t fully aware that you’re her mom.  I mean at one point I think she called the camera man “Ammmbuuuh!”  But who am I to judge?  I’m not Judy.  In the end, Gary invites Amber to come over and finish decorating the tree.  He says that Leah wants her to come over so she can put candy canes on it.  Yeah, like there are any of those left?  Like Gary didn’t melt down the entire box of 24 candy canes and chug them down?  Bologna.  But, alas, Amber accepts his invitation and she heads over to help Leah put some tacky-ass bulbs on the tree.  Leah’s hand looked shaky like she wanted to smash a bulb and use the broken glass to slash her own throat but Leah will first have to learn that plastic ornament don’t shatter.  Her best bet is to try and burn down the ski chalet.  There’s enough wood paneling in that b*tch that the place would be down to rubble by the time Gary’s muffins come out of the oven (and over his shorts).

Catelynn – It’s moving day for the evicted (I have no idea) and Catelynn and Tyler are packing up all their Bob’s Furniture and moving it into their new place that they say is a house, but has the back that really kinda looks like a trailer.  If the park fits, wear it!  I’m not sure what that means, but if you dig deep enough you’ll connect the dots and probably even cross the T’s.  Their new house, thankfully, has wood paneling in every room in and each room is painted a different color.  That’s a trick “the poors” try to do with wood paneling so that it looks like normal walls, but you and I both know what’s behind that horrible green and terrible yellow that is shellacked in each room.

Suddenly (I say that so it sounds like it’s dramatic and full of suspense), Catelynn gets a call from her dad, Dave, who is going to be in town from Florida for a job interview and test.  He even invites himself to stay at Catelynn and Tyler’s new house.  Uh, what kind of test does he have to take?  If he’s going to be a greeter at Walmart I’m pretty sure he just as to smile.  Eh, maybe the test is to make sure you have 1/4th of your top row teeth?   I have no idea, I don’t test well.  Anyway, this is the first time in 4 years that he’s going to see his daughter.  What a coincidence!  First Catelynn gets a TV show and starts making bank (for people of their status) and next thing you know “Daddy” is excited to see his daughter…for the first time in 4 years.  I, for one, am anxious to see exactly who April was bumping her greeter with 17 years earlier.  The forehead, I’m sure, will speak for itself.

Later Cate and Ty (I call them that to my TV) have their friends come over to see their new house.  Gulp.  They all…look nice.  You can tell their parents couldn’t give two sh*ts about them, but they seem nice.  I mean, one dude is named Maryland.  I’ll repeat.  His name is Maryland.  Something tells me that whilst in the hospital his parents confused “name” and “state” on the birth certificate and then had no clue how to get to the City Hall to have it changed and, well, even if they did know how to get there I’m sure they had their license revoked and couldn’t get there anyway so they just said “screw it” and kept the name Maryland and figured it would be easier to one day just move to the state of Joe.

Catelynn and Tyler pick up “daddy” at what I can only assume is a convenience store and not the airport.  I hope his interview went well and that he passed the “Keno” test.  He looks nothing like Catelynn, like, at all.  Not even a little.  You are NOT the father, as my hero Maury Povich would shout.  Clearly the “family forehead” can be traced back to April’s side.  Something tells me if we traced their roots back on Ancestry.com we’d learn that April’s great-great-great-great-great grandmother was a pioneer in the “bangs” movement of 1789.  Also, I can’t decide if the dad is a Level II or a Level III.  Which is the level where you don’t have to introduce yourself to the neighbors.  Eh, I’ll just see what my paperwork says. Hey-oh!  I just zinged myself!

After some awkward conversations back at the multicolored house, they decide to take daddy out for a “nice steak dinner” at the kind of “nice steak place” that allows you to wear  a t-shirt and jeans.  “Leave Your Fancy-Pants at Home Because, Here, the Meat Doesn’t Fall Off the Bone.”  I imagine that to be their slogan and if it isn’t, well, it should be.  Tyler and Catelynn kinda throw it in his face that he wasn’t there for the birth of iCarly or for their big engagement.  At one point Tyler says that he tried to call him to ask for permission to marry Catelynn, but never heard back from him so assumed he had the wrong number.  Um, I think the problem was that he didn’t have a TV show yet.  There’s a difference.

In the end, the trip with daddy and his oddly small v-neck t-shirts has come to an end and he has to go back to probably the trashiest part of Florida.  Take your pick.  I would have loved to see daddy and April interact and, dare I say, even flirt with each other?  Hot.  Also, something tells me that after Brandon and Teresa saw this episode with daddy they’ll be making sure everyone, including iCarly, has an updated passport.  To Spain we go!  Ole!

Maci – Ugh.  This chick again.  Red Bricks, as I like to call her.  I just made that up, but I might stick with it.  Eh, I’m already over it…and her.  For reasons that are not known to me, Maci, Kyle, and Bint-Lee are all dressed up like the cast from Toy Story.  I’m sure Pixar will be less than pleased with this.  Maci is dressed like Woody, if Woody was a slut who had unprotected sex and got herself in trouble at 16.  I’m not sure who Kyle is technically dressed as because I am unaware of any albino snowman characters in Toy Story, but then again I didn’t see the 3rd one so who knows?

We learn that Ryan sent a text to Maci letting her know that his “work” is looking for another employee and so Kyle should come down and fill out an application.  It’s a trap.  I bet this is like To Catch a Predator.  As soon as Kyle walks in Chris Hansen is going to ask him to take seat and if he’d like a lemonade.  Then he’ll grill him on why he a little boys Toy Story costume and a 6-pack of Zima in his trunk.  That’s how it always goes.

Per usual all of Maci’s scenes suck.  She’s contemplating if she should go back to school next semester.  Yawn.  Who cares?  Don’t go.  Go.  I don’t give two Bint-Lee sized Shasta McNasty’s.  The only part of this that made me kind of laugh (but more like doing that funny breath through your nose thing when it’s only a little funny) was when Maci’s mom said that she didn’t accept Ryan’s “friend request” on Facebook, but Kyle did.  Brilliant.  It was also a little funny when she once again stated why it’s a bad idea to have children so young.  Bite your tongue, lady, because if people weren’t having kids so young I’d be stuck only writing about TV shows based on New Jersey, which, isn’t the worst thing but I like a nice variety.

Boring and yawn.  In the end Maci calls her adviser to see if she should come back to school and he basically tells her that she’s lazy white trash if she doesn’t come back.  He says that she is very capable.  I agree.  I think Maci is so capable that she’s actually handicapable.  The F’n End.

Episode Rating:  4 of Debra’s Trash Claws

Special “shout out” as “the kids” say to the folks over at BabyCenter, CafeMom, and TheKnot who always seem to pass around this blog like it’s wildfire.  I’m not sure why people want to pass around wildfire, but I’ll take it.  Thanks, as always, for the support.  Do more.

Teen Mom Recap: I’m Dreaming of a White (Trash) Christmas

Farrah – Apparently getting your “Pizza Making” 2 year degree deserves an endless celebration because Farrah’s dad is taking her out to brunch.  This, of course, requires him to have a little screwdriver with brunch basically to just get through it…kinda like what I have to do watching these trash heaps converse.  Farrah is filling in Michael on her big plans to move to California and get her bachelors degree in, you guessed it, Culinary Management!  Culinary Management is clearly the new “Pitocin” so every time you hear it you have to take a shot and scratch your privates with a shiny silver trash claw.  At least that’s how I plan on spending the next 4 Tuesday nights and, well I hope you do too.  As long as this doesn’t turn into scratch-n-sniff I think we’ll all be fine.   Moving on.  Michael tries to warn Farrah about how moving to LA without a job, money, or anyone to take care of Sophia is friggin bricks and Farrah reacts to him like he’s saying that she’s losing her trademark glow worm look.  Geesh.  By the way, did Farrah give Sophia doll bangs just like hers?  Why would she want to hurt a poor innocent child like baby Goo?

In typical Farrah fashion she has nothing better to do but to call up random people on the phone, roll her eyes, and sound like she’s better than them.  This time around she dials up a realtor in California because she sees a house in Santa Monica that she wants to rent.  Seriously, stay off the phone and the computer.  The last time she tried to make a large purchase out of state she bought a fake car for $5000 on Craigslist and, sadly, she didn’t even get killed.  It’s like, can’t you win at anything?  Anygravesdiseaseeyes, Farrah gives this realtor over the phone way too much information and at one point I think she said that she was looking for a “pretty school.”  But, clearly, it wasn’t just me who heard that because even the realtor was like, “what?!” and Farrah said it again, but this time she said “pre-school.” I found myself shouting at the TV, “You said pretty school you dumb b*tch.  I know it, you know, and the 12 stuffed animals around me having a tea party and wearing birthday hats know it!”

However, this move to California isn’t going to be all fun and games because she has to get through the gatekeeper first who is, of course, Debra.  Da da daaaaaa!  Debra.  Looks. Pissed.  Per usual she looks like a Who who just woke up on Christmas morning only to find all their toys and trinkets missing.  She demands to know why Farrah wants to move and I start sweating from my ass.  Um, you don’t tell Debra you want to move, you just sneak out in the middle of the night, run towards the electric fence, and pray to sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary that Debra isn’t standing on a giant stone wall looking down at you with a loaded rifle and shoulder pads.  Anyway, Farrah answers with, “Because I want to move!”  Had there not been a camera crew there at the time I’m pretty sure I would be recapping Farrah’s obituary right now.  Farrah even sasses Debra back by saying that she wants to live in another state and not just stay in one place like “they” do.  Gulp!  My stomach started moving like when a sneaky little Shasta McNasty attack sneaks up on you and you have to book it to the bathroom.  However, Debra didn’t slap at Farrah but, instead, provided a little comic relief by saying, “We’re not nomads, Farrah, we can’t just meander around the United States.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  Sounds like someone is using their expensive Executive MBA vocab flash cards at night!  Ole!

Regardless of her family hating Farrah, they do end up watching Sophia for her and driving her to the airport so that she can “vacation” in LA for 2 days.  Since she’s just going for 2 days it only makes sense that she brings the largest piece of luggage that Samsonite makes.  Michael, being a pro at traveling with Debra, actually asks Farrah if she has any knives packed in there.  Brilliant.  I’m sure if she did he would have removed the knives and cut his own throat for having to live in this family of insanity.  Michael accidentally leaves Farrah’s luggage outside at the airport and Farrah makes sure to give him one last eye-roll before she boards the plane.  She then leaves baby Goo at security just like Michael left Farrah’s luggage….unattended! (RHONJ crossover reference!)

After looking at a few houses with some skank-bag realtor, Farrah decides to check out some random college that I believe was called “West LA Half-Ass U” or something of the sorts.  I’m still shocked that Farrah was looking at houses where the rent was $2,000 per month.  Finally someone is being real about the kind of money they make on this show.  Spreading at 16 is finally paying off…just like it says in the Bible, I believe.  I’m surprised Farrah didn’t like that one house that was permanently decorated like it was a luau in every room.  However, in the end, Farrah didn’t like the construction that was going on at the “college” and didn’t really like LA so she’s decided to not move there.  I’m glad she gave it a full 2 days to make a life altering decision.  Seriously, she spent more time contemplating having Derrick use a condom than she did this.  Oh well, see y’all in hell.

Amber – After 52 weeks Amber is finally almost all moved into her house, thanks to her “friend” Clinton (more on him later).  Amber is so proud of herself because she decorated Leah’s room with a princess theme.  Um, this basically consisted of a flammable princess blanket on her bed and one of those nylon dog mazes, that some people have, just sprawled out in the middle of her room.  She calls Krystle Meth to tell her all about it and says how psyched Leah is going to be when she sees it.  I think she’ll be more psyched to see walls without holes punched out in them, but I guess we’ll take even small miracles at this point. All this is taking place while Gary is talking to his MILF about still caring about Amber.  I couldn’t give two Shasta’s about their conversation because I was in complete shock and awe that his AERO/ZERO t-shirt was already blurred out by MTV.  Didn’t AERO just issue a statement last week that Gary must stop wearing their clothes?  They must have more power than I thought.  Apparently I have more power than I thought too (insert sidewards winky face with the letter “p” to be used as a tongue sticking out).  Also, fat bastard.

The social worker brings Leah back home to Amber’s new house and Amber gives Leah a tour of the house like it’s a white trash themed episode of Cribs.  I was waiting for Amber to jump 3 times in slow motion on her bed and then tell Leah, “This is where momma does her layin’ when she’s comin’ off the meth!”  But alas that doesn’t happen and Leah just decides to ride the horse instead.  Personally, I was thinking she thought it would actually get her out of there, but no dice.  After spending 14 minutes with her daughter we learn that Gary’s sex maniac mom will be watching her for the weekend so Amber is free to do whomever and whatever she pleases.  Timing must be right because the phone rings and it’s her high-school friend, Clinton, asking her out on a date.  Gross.  Clinton must love getting beatings because he’s picked the right girl for that.  Hope he also loves his sh*t being kicked down the stairs too because, well, Amber doesn’t disappoint.  Leah actually doesn’t want her going on this “date” unless it ends with “rape” and even takes a swing at Amber when she asks her if it’s ok for her to go out on a the date.  Hmm, I wonder where she learned to hit? Hittin’ from momma and carb-loadin’ from daddy! Yeeeee haw!

Amber keeps bringing up the date and Leah keeps giving her the side-eye but as soon as Gary’s mom comes to pick her up she’s like, “Feets don’t fail me now!” and books it the F out of there.  She literally just says “bye bye” and runs out the door.  I don’t think she even cared if she had shoes on for the snow outside, she just wanted out and she wanted out now.   Amber ends up going out with Clinton to a “restaurant” where he’s able to feed her with his rusty fork.  Hope they’re serving tetanus for dessert!  I love when “the poors” get extra dressed up to go to mediocre (at best) restaurants.  It’s like, it’s Cracker Barrel dude…a tie is not needed.  Also, get a dress-shirt that fits.  You’re not 17 anymore.  Oh wait.  We learn that Clinton has a 14-month old child already so he can really relate to Amber.  And since Amber is so good at raising one child, I’m sure 2 children will be a real breeze for this pro.   I’m sure no one will accidentally be falling out of the second floor window by pushing on the screen and making the local news.  No, not at all.  In the end, Clinton and Amber end up kissing at the table and I, per usual, close my laptop on my ding-dong so that I can never have feeling in it again.  Like a modern day Tyra Banks, I give up myself…for you.

Catelynn – It’s Christmas for the poors!  I love this time of year.  It’s mostly fun to just mute the TV and pause it every once in a while so you can catch a glimpse of some really tacky Christmas decorations.  It’s like the poors only bought their decorations in the mid 70’s and just stopped after that.  Anyjunk,  Carly is going to be 18-months old and so the adoption nosy-Nellie wants Tyler and Cate to write her a letter and send her Christmas gifts.  Oh, and they’re still harping on asking Carly to come to their graduation.  Uh, they know she can’t read yet, right?  Eh, doesn’t matter.  I’m sure Teresa and Brandon shred the letters as soon as they arrive to the house and then Purell their hands just from touching the envelope.

Like a girl after the Prom, we get teased big time because Butch has made it into the episode but only for about 2 minutes.  You see, Tyler and Butch are at Target and doing their Christmas shopping for Carly.  Butch, who’s dressed like a snowman wearing all sorts of flannel decides to buy her a toy plane and then says, “Well at least she can say her grandfather got something for her one year!”  He then chuckles it off and Tyler shakes his head in shame.  I love all of this.  I love how Butch knows he’s a garbage disposal.  Long live Butch!  And while he was there he should have asked to fill out an application.  I could totally see him working at the “Pizza Hut section” right by check out.  You know the area…right next to  the glass case of popcorn that makes your stomach turn every time you smell it when you’re paying for your crap?  Yeah, that one.

However, since Butch and April still can’t basically be in the same state as each other at the same time, Catelynn and April have to do their Christmas shopping separately.  They too are going to Target.   You know the PR team at Target is pissed after this episode and will probably issue a statement like AERO did with Gary and tell them to stop shopping at Target.  And, not for nothing, Target isn’t that cheap so stop trying to convince us you need to get a job to pay off your $60 phone bill but suddenly you can come home with bags of toys for Carly.  You’re not fooling anyone, you make good money from this show.  And good money to this crew can be like $10,000.  That alone would allow them to not get real jobs until half way through the 2000’s.  April ends up picking out some toy dog that she thinks you can hook up to the Internet and make it learn your name.  I’m not convinced April knows what the Internet is and I’m pretty sure she thinks it really means that you plug it into the wall and it doesn’t take batteries. Hopefully it can still take steak.  Nevertheless, April peaces out of her scene in about 60 seconds.  What a jip!  It’s like those episodes of Three’s Company when Suzanne Somers was in salary negotiations and they wouldn’t pay her what she wanted so they punished her by giving her one scene where she would just call Janet and Jack and tell them that she was visiting her sick aunt in the mountains (via split-screen) and then was eventually kicked off the show.  So, yeah, I feel that way about April.

All of a sudden out of left field we hear that Tyler’s mom, Kim, called Brandon and Teresa without them knowing and started to talk to them about going to Tyler’s graduation.  Creeeepy!  That doesn’t sound like the Kim I know and love and, well, it wasn’t captured on film so I don’t believe it.  I’m not sure why Teresa and Brandon freaked out over this call.  I would LOVE a surprise call from Kim.  Sometimes I pretend my phone rings and then I just answer it and go, “Oh hey Kim.  I’m good.  You?”  and then I pretend she tells me all the neato stuff she’s doing like curling her bangs, adding fresh shoulder pads to her blazers, and practicing bugging out her eyes during fake scenarios when she looks in the bathroom mirror.  Kim ends up coming over to Tyler and Cate’s apartment to drop off Christmas presents for Carly and provide us with a little ugly cry over the fact that she called Teresa and Brandon without them knowing.  It was more of a “sweet cry” than an “ugly cry” as we typically leave all ugly crying to Farrah.  She’s upset that she messed things up for Catelynn and Tyler and that’s why she’s so sad.   Poor Kim.  Double chin up, Kim!  No one is mad.  She just says she wants to have a relationship with Carly and doesn’t want to have to go through Cate and Tyler who have to go through the adoption lady who has to contact Teresa and Brandon who will relay a message to Carly.  Phew!  I’m sorry, but did no one get the memo that Carly isn’t just at sleep-away camp and legally belongs to another family now?  The end.

Maci – Ugh, again with this one.  Week after week all her scenes make me want to play murder-suicide with myself.  Also, I want a Bint-Lee bobblehead.  I should just end with that because there’s nothing else worth saying.  Fine, I’ll do it.  Since Maci dropped all of her classes again she has more free time to spend with Bint-Lee (according to her) so she decides to drop him off at daycare so he can start playing with other kids and, you know, other people can start taking care of him.  Bint-Lee is freaking the F out having to interact with these other kids and everyone looks surprised when the giant beast of a woman with a porcupine on her head can’t seem to calm him down and comfort him. As Bint-Lee tries to kick the door down to bust the F out of there all the other kids are looking at him like, “Uh, who’s the diva with the camera crew?!”

The remainder of the episode consists of Maci trying to convince everyone under the sun that she wants to have another baby with Kyle right now.  Apparently she wants the next one to look like one of the polar bears on the Christmas Coke cans so she feels like Kyle is her best bet.  Even her friends think she’s a goon for wanting this and her one friend looks like she’s about to cut out her vagina and other lady parts and staple them to restaurant wall during their conversation.  Since 19yr old Maci thinks it’s a great idea to have another baby and not be married and insists on talking about it for 25 minutes then I insist in lieu of the remainder of this recap you all go to “itsyoursexlife.org” to learn more about how to not make bad decisions like our multi-color hair friend, Maci.

Episode Rating: 2 Stylish April’s, 1 yawning Ryan, and 1 Puffy Leather Couch That Amber Will Freak On:

Teen Mom Recap: Amber’s Mom is the Myspace of Teen Mom’s Moms

Farrah – Since Debra no longer seems to want to “slash-n-grab” Farrah’s face anymore we’re left with picking random storylines out of a black top-hat.  So what do we have in store this week, boys and girls?  Well we’re going to be heading off to the graveyard but of course!  Sophia, press pause on your Dora cartoon and get a black lace veil for your binky because you’re taking a field trip to the cemetery with a camera crew to visit your dead daddy.  I mean, Farrah’s boobs certainly aren’t going to pay for themselves so this only makes sense.

I love how Farrah tries to let the camera know everything she is doing, even when we can figure it out on our own.  Like the time when she called Derrick’s dad and they answer the phone and Farrah just yells, “Helloooooo I’m calling you on the phone.”  Are you?  Are you really?  I thought you were placing an order at the Burger King drive-thru.  Thank Debra God she cleared that up for us.  Since this is likely to be an emotional time for our most famous Glow Worm, Debra has decided that she’s going to pretend she’s not entirely dead inside and is going to go with Farrah for support.  She’ll be the shoulder pads during Farrah’s blazer of life.  See what I did there?  We learn of this support when Farrah heads over to Debra’s house and Debra yells, “I’m upstairs eating lunch” and then we see her spoon-feeding herself applesauce out of one of those little tiny Asian finger bowls.  Odd.  I always figured this Who would be eating green eggs and ham.

You know who I want to send out an All Waldo’s Bulletin over?  Farrah’s old friend, Margaret Cho.  What the hell ever happened to her?  Debra’s Asian finger bowl reminded me of her and I began to feel empty inside.  I miss her.  Moving on.  Pack up the Kia because it’s time for the family trip to the cemetery!  Debra is rocking some beautiful black Isotoners.  Not only will these keep her hands warm during this frigid winter day, but she’s always easily be able to slap at and choke Farrah without any fingerprints or hand fibers that could ever be used in a court of law.  I think it’s great that they’re all going to let Sophia finally meet her dad, but it’s pretty cold out and, well, things could have probably been a little more interactive for her had they just brought up the Ouija Board from the basement and perhaps 2 tin cans and some really long string.  More importantly, anyone else notice how Debra drives a Kia and Farrah’s daughter is named Sophia?  You do the math.

The second they get out of the car at the cemetery that’s directly on the side of a highway Farrah starts busting out the ugly cry.  Ugh, even the dead don’t want to deal with this right now.  Things take a quick odd turn when Farrah blurts out the statement, “Awww you guys did a nice little grave for Derrick!” Awkward!  I was wondering what the hell she was talking about and then, well, then the camera panned down towards the ground and we all get to see that Derrick’s parents apparently sliced up a Christmas tree and decorated the grave plaque.  To make things even more awkward they’ve placed 3 wooden boxes as gifts on it as well and gave one of those boxes to Farrah.  I assumed giving a box to Farrah was their symbolic way of calling her a c*nt, but apparently there’s a candle inside they she can light any time she likes.  I happened to notice Debra in the background and with all the Christmas decorations lying about I was waiting for our favorite little Isotoner’d Who to bust out with the chorus of “Fahoo fores, dahoo dores, welcome Christmas, Christmas day….”  I’m going to stop now because, well, we’re at the location of Derrick’s dirt nap and my karma jar certainly runneth over at this point.  All in all, I think I did a pretty good job of not crossing any lines.  Fine, you’re right.

Once back in the safety of her Kia, Farrah busts out the ugly cry once more just to make sure we knew what it looked like if a worm could form tears.  Even Debra got in on the ugly cry action, but she stopped herself at the very last second.  We all knew it was there though.  I’m sure Debra wasn’t crying about this situation, however.  I’m pretty sure she just caught a glimpse of herself in the rear-view mirror and realized her hair wasn’t as feathered as it normally is.  Ugh, Mother Nature is quiet the b*tch.  Either way, Farrah and Debra partaking in little ugly cry is this generations Creature Double Feature and, well, I’m all in!  My goal for next time is to figure out a way to join in on their ugly cry.  Sorta like a 3-way, but without the risk of getting my dinky-doo bitten off by Miss Gulch.

In the end, Farrah heads back to Derrick’s dad’s house to meet more of his family, corner him in the kitchen, and then ugly cry on his private property.  The entire time she was crying in the kitchen I realized one thing.  One very important thing.  Derrick’s dad is totally Alex Karras and, therefore, in my mind Derrick will be Webster from this point moving forward.  This all makes sense as I’m pretty sure there is a giant grandfather clock at Debra’s house that opens up and you can walk into it and down a ladder into Bill and Casey’s house.  Just watch out for that mannequin sitting on a chair in corner of their place…you won’t sleep for weeks!  I mean, I didn’t.

Amber – Well what do we have here!  You know things are going to be good when we start off with Amber laying on a mattress on the floor (without sheets!), chatting on the phone, and sporting some real long Anna Nicole Smith fake nails.  I love how the mattress is just laid out directly on the floor like it’s a legit crack den. A bed without sheets is like Gary without a condom…an obese jobless sticky mess.  Even the bed bugs are like, “Gross.”  Amber is busy making her calls to let people know she has to go to CPS the next day to find out if she has a daughter anymore of not.  She’s actually telling her mom, Tonya, not to “be herself” when she’s at CPS because she knows how she hates Gary and Gary’s mom.  As Amber stated that, I found myself yelling towards my TV “please, please, please let Tonya be herself, please!”  I say I yell towards my TV as opposed to at my TV because my TV is my best friend and I would never want to yell at it unless, of course, my TV and I are playing our weekly game of “Your Gary and I’m Amber.” The time my TV said we were “fiance” was a real hoot.  Also, I have major major mental problems.

It’s the big day of CPS and we know this because of the way that everyone is dressed.  First off Amber and Krystle Meth are hairsprayed within an inch of their lives.  Because at the end of the day I think nothing says, “I want custody of my daughter” like AquaNet asphyxiation. Next up, we have Tonya, Amber’s mom.  She’s rocking a white hooded shirt with a bubble vest.  Sexy.  Everyone is appropriately dressed for the county fair.  The drive over to CPS is brilliant because Amber and her mom are already starting to fight.  By the time they get out of the car Tonya tells Amber to remember that she’s a mom and not say the F word at CPS.  That’s nice motherly advice.  However, Amber freaks out over her comment about remembering she’s a mom and they fight all the way into CPS.  That’s like eating cake on the way into the Jenny Craig center, no?  Same same.  Speaking of cake and obesity, enter Gary.  Because this is such a big day, Gar Bear is rocking an Ed Hardy t-shirt instead of his standard AERO.  He must want the powers-to-be at CPS to think he is “worldly.”  Gary’s mom, who’s quite the dish, is wearing some old lady purple polyester pants.  It’s like she doesn’t even try.  I get it, you’re poor but you can’t afford a brush?  And they don’t sell black pants where you bought those purples?  Maybe she doesn’t have the time to deal with “fashion.”  I guess this since she’s actually using a recyclable mesh grocery bag as a purse.  Eh, she’s a woman on the go.  Who has the time to not use trash bags as purses?!

We’re not lucky enough to see what takes place inside CPS, but we do learn that Amber continues to have full custody of Leah, but the CPS worker won’t allow Leah to stay with Amber until her house is finally ready.  That seems pretty straight-forward.  I mean, it makes sense to me but Tonya can’t understand what the F is going on to save her life.  At least we all know what her face looked like when she was trying to solve “word problems” as a child.  Something has changed, however, with Tonya from the last time we saw her (5 minutes ago) until now.  She has slooooowed down a bit.  She’s talking all slowly like Amber does when she’s yelling at Gary whilst laying down on a pile of clothes in her bed.  They begin to fight in the car and then that fight rolls over into the house as well.  Tonya is making no sense and saying she doesn’t understand who has custody of Leah and why she can’t see Leah.  I is be confuzed.  What’s even more confusing to me is how Amber keeps saying that she needs to “finish her house” before Leah can come and live with her.  Well what the F is taking her so long?  It’s not like she’s building the house, she’s renting it.  And she just needs to unpack her Ramen noodles and Pillow People decorations and she’s done.  Why this is taking months is beyond me.

In the end, Amber starts making her typical Ace Ventura faces while her mom yells at her and she yells at her mom.  She ends up spilling the beans that she grew up in a horrible house with a crazy mother and an alcoholic father.  She winds things down by saying that her mom was a terrible mother and is trying to stay the hell away from her.  Of course, Krystle Meth tries to comfort Amber by telling her how proud she has been of Amber these past few months by getting her life together.  By getting her life together does she mean not seeing her daughter and filming a television show?  Just making sure we’re clear.  However, the most important part of this scene was the rosary bead earrings that Krystle Meth is rocking.  I’m sure Jesus isn’t giving her the side-eye by her side-eye at all.

Catelynn – Ugh.  I’m not sure what the F is going on this season but MTV missed the boat, for sure, by not having April and Butch in more episodes.  It actually makes me angry.  Angry like Debra gets when those meddling police officers come to the door!  The only good thing about this crapisode is that we get to spend more time with Catelynn and Tyler’s friends, like at the local pool hall for example.  Everyone is playing pool with plaid flannel shirts on and jacked up hair like this is an after-school-special and Tori from Saved By the Bell is playing every role.  What’s up with that one chick whose hair is legit square?  I bet if she ran a comb through it she could probably increase the chances of having unprotected sex, getting pregnant, and making a real life for herself…on television, of course.  She better hurry up though because I’ve learned that if you’re not a teen and pregnant, people just aren’t as interested.  Maybe they should lower the bar.  Like, “A Tween & Pregnant” or maybe even perhaps “Toddlers and Pitocin.”  Sky is the limit!  Moving on.

After 6 tries, Tyler is finally graduating from high school!  Catelynn isn’t as lucky and needs to take an additional semester because getting pregnant during the school year apparently made her bricks. Tyler wants iCarly to come to his graduation (awkward) and he even invited Butch to the little graduation party that Kim is throwing for him, but Butch can’t make it because he’s busy trying to smuggle drugs into the halfway house and grocery shopping.  I’m joking, he has to work.  Yes, I’m sure he has a high-pressure business meeting he can’t get out of.  I mean, really.  Like, no one else can bag groceries that afternoon for him?

Catelynn is busy studying for some big history test that, if she doesn’t pass, she won’t be able to graduate on time, 6 months from now.  Tyler is quizzing her on things like Pearl Harbor and, well, her name.  We’re all in for a real treat because the cameras are let into their school and we get to meet Cate’s teacher who they call by his first name which is, of course, Montee.  Montee has a pony-tail like a pirate and is wearing stone-washed jeans.   I mean at this point let’s just call them dungarees.  Also, is he really the history teacher of the janitor?  I’m sure at their school everyone just pitches in.  We learn that Catelynn got a 65 on her history test.  Ruh-roh!  Oh wait, apparently that’s good because Montee just high-fived her over her D+ grade.  I’m sure at home April will think a 65 is a triple A+ and hang that on her refrigerator right next to the magnet letters that spell out “Where’s Butch?”  I like Catelynn, don’t get me wrong but hit the books kid.  It’s not like you’re up all hours of the night with a baby.  Oh please, you were thinking it too.  Don’t judge me.

You know who I god-damn love?  Tyler’s mom, Kim.  I know I always say it but I do, I really do.  I love her perm. I love her turtle necks.  I love her attitude.  I love her “no nonsense” way of speaking.  I want to split a bottle of vodka with her and just hug.  Anyway, Kim put together a graduation party for Tyler and his friends and they’re all having a great time.  I can’t even make fun of anyone.  I mean, that chick with the square hair is there, but I’m even gonna let that slide.  I still wonder how she wears hats, but I’m still letting it slide.  Tyler is such a good kid that he even pulls Kim aside to thank her for the party and for making him go to school.  He did all this with a partial British accent and, well, that’s alright with me.  Kim’s so proud of Tyler because he graduated high school and works at a pizza place.  Dream big!

In the end, as Tyler and Catelynn are laying in bed (wear a condom before iCarly 2 pops out) Catelynn is so excited that her boyfriend is now a college guy, but she wants him to wear an engagement ring so that all the girls at “college” know he’s taken.  I mean.  Come on.  Look, it’s great that he’s continuing his education, but it’s not like the Community College is going to be like the dorms at UMass Amherst.  No girl is going to be throwing herself at him in the hallway on the way to Intro to World Chem.  I mean, it’s college, but it’s not.  Pipe down Catelynn.  Focus on longer bangs.

Maci – I just typed Maci’s name and then put my head down and yelled “Noooooo!”  This is legit painful to recap.  Sure, Bint-Lee starts things off by taking a hot piss on Maci, but still.  Maci asks Bint-Lee if he wants her to pee on him and Bint-Lee says yes.  Things are about to get real sexy real quick.  Oh wait.  Never mind.  I’m sure Bint-Lee learned that from walking in on Kyle urinating on Maci’s face to clear up that problematic acne.  Now I used to have bad acne so save your hate-mail and nastygrams.  I mean I never peed on my face as I didn’t want to get Honky McHonkerson at attention, do a handstand, and then let the urine drip where it may, but I was lazy like that and just took medication.  What?  Sometimes I like to share things on this here blog.  Anypissfreecomplexion, Kyle shockingly still doesn’t have a job so he’s free to give Bint-Lee and Maci rides on his back all the live-long-day.  You ride that Albino Bull Dog, Bint-Lee!

Later, Ryan has Bint-Lee for the weekend and we learn that he’s coming home from work.  Work.  Work?  Work.  Wow.  Good for him.  Ryan just trumped Kyle on national television…again!  When Ryan comes home from work his mom is laughing because he’s filthy, shoeless, and his jeans are all ripped and torn up.  Now was he at work or a Ke$ha concert, because there’s a difference.  Hey-oh!  #Ke$haJokes.

After Ryan’s mom, Gladys Cravitz , sets up an appointment with a lawyer to give Ryan official half-custody of Bint-o-Palooza we all get to take a trip to the lawyers office to meet “Johnny.”  I love it.  Johnny the Lawyer.  He seems better than Amber’s lawyer “Bob” but not as good as Farrah’s t-shirt wearing attorney, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt His Name is My Name Too.  I mean, Johnny is wearing a clown tie and I did notice the Three Stooges dolls (DOLLS!) in the background of his office so I think he is highly qualified in custody cases and, from the looks of it, affordable.  The good news is that Ryan has been working for 2 months now. What recession?  The bad news is that the lawyer thinks that Ryan should not tell Maci he’s bringing her to court and just blindside her so that she doesn’t take Bint-Lee and try to skip state on the double.

Everything else in their scenes was dumb.  Maci talked to 3 different girls who all looked like the same girl about how hard school is while being a mom.  Yawn.  Speaking of which, Ryan started to yawn but then caught himself and covered it up.  Hence, my screen-cap above.  So, Maci ends up, once again, dropping all of her classes as she likes to piss out money on the school like Bint-Lee likes to piss on her.  To sum up, Maci drops her classes, Kyle can’t get a job, and Bint-Lee sh*ts his pants on the regular. Everything seems to be going really well for them.

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Episode Rating: 1 Yawning Ryan, 1 Missing Butch, 1 Crying Farrah (3 out 4)

Teen Mom Recap: At Least Leah Didn’t Yell, “Roseanne!”

Farrah – It’s quite the celebratory day for our little Glow-Worm with bangs, Farrah, because she’s finally graduated with her associates degree from her local culinary school!  So basically at this point she’s qualified to cook me sandwiches out of an ice cream truck.  Although, I’m not too sure how good those sandwiches will be as she got her grades for the semester, which consisted of an A, a B, and then a C in her “Skills” course.  A “C” in Skills?  Like, cooking skills?  That would be a pretty important class I would think.  I mean, it’s a completely made up class, but a class nonetheless.  I can relate though as I once got a “D” in “Ideas” and a “C-” in “Thinking.”  Luckily, getting an “A” in “Knowing” really pulled up my GPA.

Regardless, to celebrate her big achievement she’s decided to take Sophia to a puppy Holocaust Camp called “Puppy Room” so that they could pick up a dog and we’ll be forced to listen to Farrah talk in her creepy baby voice for the remainder of the episode.  She decides to charge her puppy and then keep it a secret from Debra, who apparently hates all living things.  As do I.  As. Do. I.  Once at home, Farrah is freaking out about the dog taking a Shasta McNasty on the rug and keeps chasing the dog around the house and saying things like “hey dog!” and “Don’t go potty on the rug, dog!”  Anyone notice that she actually talks to the dog the same way she talks to Sophia?  Speaking of Sophia, it’s good to see her saying a couple of words even with her binky in her mouth.  I’m sure if she took that thing out for a minute she’s be able to easily say words like: help, social services, and I don’t want to go to the cemetery next episode to see my teen dad.  On a positive note, Farrah keeps dressing Sophia like Dora so, well, ole!

I think I want to revoke Farrah’s license from life.  While I’m at it I should revoke my US Citizenship because I’m embarrassed for myself when Farrah is literally holding the dog over the toilet and repeatedly yelling in its face, “Go potty!  Go potty!  Go potty!”  Even Sophia is giving her the side-eye and thinking, “B*tch, if you don’t get that filthy dog off my potty I’m going to push one out on the rug myself!”  I mean, she’ll end that thought with a stunning rendition of “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the MAP!”

The rest of Farrah’s scenes turn into an episode of Three’s Company because Farrah and Sophia are now trying to hide the puppy from Debra who ironically kinda looks like Mr. Firley in drag.  Sophia, clearly, is Chrissy because when Farrah’s sister Ashley comes over for a visit Sophia keeps spilling the beans by repeatedly saying, “Doggie?”  Way to not crack under the pressure, kid.  I personally think it’s a great strategy to keep this secret from Debra as I’m sure if she were to find out there was a dog living in the apartment Farrah would come home to discover that Debra had used her trusty butcher knife to skin the puppy and would be wearing its fur as a hat.  The leftover fur would, of course, be used as shoulder pad stuffing.  Naturally.  We also learn, creepily, that Ashley once had a dog, but Debra sold it back to the pet store and then Ashley had to go back to the pet store and buy it back for a second time.  I’m almost certain this would have been Debra’s strategy with Sophia had their not been cameras on them during their 16 & Pregnant episode.

In the end, there was a water pipe break at Debra’s house so she heads over to Farrah’s house because the script tells her too, but also because she claims she wants to see if Farrah has water so she can take a shower.  Understandable.  I mean, her hair isn’t going to clean and feather itself.  Sophia and Debra are pounding down the door all whilst Farrah tries to hide the puppy.  If she’s really trying to hide it she should try to place it in her future because, clearly, no one will look there.  She finally lets Debra in the house and after Sophia says, 15,000 times during the episode, “doggie” Debra is finally coming close to solving this puzzle.  She asks Farrah what that squeaking noise is and then asks her if she has a bat in the house.  Do bats squeak because if they do I’m pretty sure I want one as a pet.  Farrah should have just been like, “That squeak?  Oh, that’s just Ashley in the other room playing with your trash claw.  It must need oil.”  You totally know Debra would have left the house then.  But, alas, she didn’t and she spotted the dog.  Debra was surprisingly nice to the dog, meaning that she didn’t kick it or try to flush it down the toilet.  I’m a little confused what the dog’s name is.  I thought they said “Candy” but then I thought Farrah said she named the dog after grandma.  So was Candy Debra’s stripper name or what?  More importantly why the hell do I care?  Either way, I give it two more episodes before we see that dog stuffed and hanging over Debra’s mantle.

Amber – Oh Amber, where the hell do we begin?  Amber has officially “closed” on her rental house and is now apparently best friends with Delta Burke Sheena who is also a teen mom.  She’s a teen mom who didn’t stop at one child, but now has three of them.  Evidently you’re more susceptible to “catch pregnancy” as a teenager after it happens the first time.  Amber is filling in Sheena that her daughter, Leah, is going to turn 2 years old on November 12th and she can’t wait to have her birthday party for her because she’s dress her up as princess.  Let’s face it, Leah will be psyched to just be dressed at all.  However, there may be a change in plans because Gary calls Amber to let her know that he wants to have separate birthday parties for Leah because he doesn’t want to “tease” her into thinking that her parents are together when they’re really not.  Gary is sensitive to teasing as he’s suffered greatly the time when McDonald’s claimed they were going to permanently add the McRib to the menu and then pulled it back at the last minute.  He’s still recovering from the shock and loss.  Anymanychins, Gary tells Amber that he stills loves her and wants to be with her.  Yawn.  Amber says she loves him to but “they gots so many problem.”  She should be chewing on some hay when she says that.  So basically, Gary is only using Leah to try and get Amber back.  I guess “using” isn’t as bad as “teasing.”  When one day Leah ends up shooting them both, please let’s not ask why.  Gary starts to hang up the phone and Leah just screams towards it, “Amber!!”  Brilliant.  I stood up and started to slowly applaud all while wiping a couple of tears from my eyes.  This brought me pure joy.  Had I been more technologically savvy I would have made Leah screaming “Amber!” not only my ringtone, but my alarm clock as well.  If at all possible, I would like Leah and Milania from Real Housewives of New Jersey to get their own show together.  More importantly I noticed that behind Gary was a giant blanket with Marilyn Monroe’s face on it.  I always pictured them more of a Betty Boop collecting family.  I mean, I’ve also pictured Gary dressed as Betty Boop but that’s a different story for a different time.

Later, Amber is trying to pack up her stuff at the crack den she’s staying at and her cousin, Krystle Meth, comes over to help her.  Amber just keeps saying that she misses her daughter and is all upset about it.  Uh, then why doesn’t she go an see her? If memory serves me right there are buses in Landford that can easily take her to see Leah and I’m sure the exercise won’t kill her.  It’s not like she lives in a different country.  Plus she can stop for a loose meat sandwich on the way if she were to get hungry.  Loose Meat.  I bet that was Gary’s high school nickname.  And, Jesus, what is up with the Marilyn Monroe junk everywhere?  Anyone notice the pillow in the background?  Seriously, stop shopping in the Harriet Carter catalog. Boop Boop-a-Doop!

Beside Leah yelling “Amber!” the highlight of the entire episode takes place next.  Gary is heading out for a night of partying with his friends, Moe, Larry, and Jobless.  Before he even gets into “da club” he chats up some girls by saying, “Hi! Don’t you ladies look fine.  I’m Gary!”  They looked at him like they could catch both obesity and Type II Diabetes just be standing across from him.  Personally, I love Gary’s club attire which consists of a Member’s Only jacket, that’s about to bust at the shoulders and turn into a Member’s Only vest, and his standard AERO t-shirt underneath.  Gary owns this club and is “sexy-dancing” in the middle of a group of people all whilst chugging a beer and literally trying to hold his head onto his neck.  Dance it out Gary, you fat son-of-a-b*tch!  Dance!  He owned that lower middle class over weight mosh pit.  Owned it.

But, my friends, this whole episode can’t just be Gary partying his ass off (as there is a lot of ass) because the next day is Leah’s birthday party and he is hungover as hell.  He’s bragging to his friends that he was drunk and dancing with girls.  Oh wow, girls!  Like, real-life girls?  You lucky dog!  I mean, technically Gary is so large that they were dancing near him by default as if they wanted actual space to dance by themselves they’d have to head out into the parking lot.  Regardless, Gary is too hungover to clean the ski chalet for Leah’s birthday party and there are Big Gulps, trash, and packages of condoms all over the place.  Gross.  At one point, Leah just picks up the 3 pack of condoms and starts running around with them.  Clearly her surprise of “balloons” is ruined.  Eh, they might as well start the safe sex talk with her now because there’s certainly a “track record” with this family.  Gary’s hot sex on a platter mom comes over and is pissed that Gary didn’t get the chalet ready for the party at all so she sent him out to get some food.  Spoiler Alert:  He misses most of the party as he’s eating fast food in his car and saying that greasy food makes you feel better.  He should drink butter.

Leah’s birthday party was everything I could wish for and less.  It consisted of the kids from the United Colors of Benetton standing in a circle and then just handing Leah balloons that were already in the house and saying, “happy birthday Leah.”  Nice try, brats, but where are your real gifts you cheap bastards!  Plus, why didn’t anyone bring their skis?  Amber is lucky enough to not be there, but she still gets to watch Leah blow out her birthday candles via video text message that Gary sends to her.  Why didn’t she just go to the party and bust through the wall like the Kool Aid man?  So dumb.

In the end, Amber picks up Leah with Krystle Meth to take her out for a birthday dinner.  She yells at Gary for partying the night before but in actuality she should have been pleased that he was he doing any form of exercise at all.  I’m almost certain that when he was dancing he was mouthing the words, “Is this Zumba?”  After a wondrous dinner for Leah at a Mexican restaurant Amber brings her back to the meth lab and places her in the unmade bed with all clothes and trash in it like she’s Oscar the God-Damn Grouch.  She even kept Leah in her clothes and jacket so that’s cool.  Might as well get her used to what it’ll be like to be homeless and sleeping on the streets.  Start ‘em young!  While Leah slumbers, Amber and Krystle Meth put on tutus and spin around the living room and dancing.  No joke.  Eh, I’m sure Leah wouldn’t enjoy taking part in “dress up” and “dancing” anyway.  I think the Mexican restaurant was enough fun for any 2 year old.

Catelynn – Spoiler Alert:  Catelynn’s segment was a complete downer.  Ugh, if Butch and April aren’t in it they totally lose me.  I mean, Catelynn doesn’t even have her braces anymore for me to make fun of!  Anyforeheads, we learn that Catelynn will be going back to the adoption retreat and is telling Tyler’s mom, Kim, all about it.  Me gusta Kim.  I like her even though in this episode she apparently cut her own bangs and retired the can of moose, which is just kind of rude I think.  Luckily she’s still sporting her blazer and stretched out turtleneck so it’s not a complete loss.

This time around Cate brings her friend, Paige, to this retreat.  Paige is another girl who sold her kid to another family.  Paige would basically be the Snooki of this show and kind of has the Quizzno’s mascots teeth so, well, she has that going for her.  I wonder if there’s a retreat for girls who are on a reality show about Teen Mom’s but don’t actually have the kids to be on said show.  I’ll look into that.  Maybe there’s even a retreat for loser bloggers who recap these shows.  I feel like I need a good ugly cry.

There’s not a hell of a lot that goes on here.  Everyone tells their name and their stories like they’re at an AA meeting.  Speaking of which, my God, I miss Butch and April.  Paige opens up (not literally) and gives a talk about the parents who adopted her baby and how great they are and how involved they keep Paige in the baby’s life.  She even says they send pictures to her mom’s email account.  Her moms?  Is this chick too young to have an email account, but not too young to have  a baby?  The junk emails, alone, that I get about condoms and birth control could have really come in handy for poor old Quizzno’s Paige.  Catelynn starts to cry when she talks about Brandon and Teresa because she’s afraid that they’re going to close her adoption.  I’m afraid of Gary closing the fridge so, well, I know exactly how she feels.  Exactly.

In the end Paige and Catelynn have a talk out on the porch about how they’re really still moms but in different ways.  You know, like, the way without the actual kids.  It’s kinda like I’m a millionaire, but without the money.  I’m still a millionaire though.  Same same.

Maci – So.  Maci was on the show tonight.  Yup.  She was there.  Kyle was there.  We were forced to see Bint-Lee’s ass again.  Just by watching that scene you are now forced to register as a Level II sex offender so, well, go introduce yourself to your neighbors.  Go on, I’ll wait.  The cameras were allowed in the classroom of one of Maci’s journalism classes where she had to critique someone’s paper.  I believe her feedback was, “You should have written with more attitude to get your point across.”  The kid looked pissed and you know his feedback would have been, “Skank, commit to a hair color.”

Apparently Ryan doesn’t know that Maci and Kyle are living together…in sin.  Who cares?  Evidently we’re supposed to.  Ryan’s mom picks up Bint-Lee at Maci’s and Kyle just stands there like a stunned albino puppet waiting for a hand to reach up his shirt and make him talk.  I love how Ryan’s mom is the Gladys Kravitz of this show. She can’t wait to get home and during dinner she spills the beans to Ryan that Kyle was at the house and wanted to know if they were living together.  She even asks if there is anything Ryan can do about it and, once again, he just simply says, “Court.”  Court.  It seems like a magical place that just solves your problems for you.  I should try out “this court” and see if I can lead a happier life.

Later after other boring stuff happens, Maci and Kyle drop off Bint-Lee at Ryan’s house.  Per usual, Ryan lets out a giant yawn, just for us! I actually don’t blame him.  It must be exhausting being in your 20’s, being unemployed, living with your parents, and sitting in their garage all day.  I get tired just watching him do it!  He ends up asking Maci if she and Kyle are living together and then gets all fidgety when Maci gives him the answer.  I felt bad.  This is just how Ross felt when Rachel started dating Joshua.  It was tough for all of us.  Meanwhile, back in the car Kyle is pitching a fit and doesn’t even want to kiss Maci because he’s so pissed at their situation.  Is he sure there isn’t more to not wanting to kiss her?  Like, mouth zits for instance?

This crew, like Catelynn and Tyler this episode, were a complete snooze.  I never thought I’d say, “thank God for Farrah” but alas here we are.  In the end, Ryan’s mom asks him if he would ever consider getting back with Maci and he replies with a “no thank you.”  That was polite and rude all at the same time.  Just get back together for Christ sakes and maybe even be lucky enough to get your own spin-off!  Yawn.

Episode Rating: 4 Leah’s Screaming “Amber!” at the Phone

Teen Mom Recap: Halloween for The Poors

Farrah – Oh Jesus, baby Goo is legit dressed like Dora and trying to help Farrah load the dishwasher.  Yes, my friends, it has come to this.  Is it just me or does Farrah talk to Sophia like she’s the family pet?  She keeps trying to get Sophia the Explorer away from the dishwasher because she “doesn’t need any help” but I’m not quite convinced that Sophia is trying to help as much as she’s probably trying to grab the butcher knife from the dishwasher so she can fight off Debra.  Speaking of which, ding dong, Debra has arrived sporting some sexy mom jeans that ride up nice and tight right up the old assola.  Every time Debra walks onto the scene I always hear “There she goes, there she goes again.  Racing through my brain.  And I just can’t contain, this feeling that remains” playing in my head on a loop.  But things can’t be all early 2000’s songs as we learn that Farrah needs to cook a bunch of food for her final and Debra needs to sample it, but she requires a gluten free diet so can’t partake in the oily pizza’s Farrah is likely to make.  I do wish, however, that Debra was a little rougher around the edges.  She should have said something like, “Is this gluten free ‘cuz if not I get the sh*ts.”  Elegant and class mixed into one.

I forgot that Farrah had a sister that she hated, but we’re reminded of her when it’s time to go to the pumpkin patch with baby Goo.  Me gusta how her sister, Ashley, is tanned to perfection in late October because, at the end of the day, nothing looks more natural.  I’m sure Ashley is just there to see if she can become a reoccurring character and get “Farrah boob money.”  Anyunderbite, Sophia is totally over this hay ride from hell as she is side-eying the piss out of everyone.  I’m kidding.  She was stoic.  She actually turned catatonic when they were painting a pumpkin on her face because, you know, tattoo ‘em early.  It is during this hay ride, however, that we uncover Farrah’s big business plans to “build a restaurant and then open it” in glamorous San Jose.  Do you know the way?  I like how she’s planing on building it first and then opening it up as opposed to opening it up and then building it.  Solid plan, where do I lend her the money?  And what the F is up with San Jose?  Clearly not that it’s a bad place, but really?  San Jose?  Why doesn’t she just open in next door to her house?  I’m sure Debra owns that property as well.  And, this way, she can be just a trash claw reach away from Debra’s cooking advice.

Speaking of My Little Debra, she’s even dishing out advice on Farrah’s restaurant business plan for her class.  Luckily, for us, she’s tearing it to shreds and tells Farrah that her restaurant, which is called F & S Restaurant (creative, but I like Effin S better), that it doesn’t seem sophisticated enough.  Perhaps she wants all the chefs to wear tweed blazers with shoulder pads like her?  Regardless, Farrah just wants this final presentation to be good enough to pass her and she claims she put in “C effort.”  Oddly enough, Debra put in “C effort” as well, but a different kind of “C” and you know the one I’m talking about.

In the end (ish) Farrah has to go to the chiropractor because her store bought new boobs are weighing her down (maybe) and she uses this time to b*tch to Debra about the feedback she received from her teachers about her presentation.  Apparently “the faculty” (aka the head cook at Denny’s) didn’t like the additions that Debra made to the presentation.  Gulp.  I started sweating from my ass when Farrah blamed her.  I’m sure she got slapped in the car on the ride home from this appointment, that’s for sure.  Farrah explained to the faculty that Debra has her MBA so, clearly, Farrah deserved better feedback.  Debra quickly corrected her that she has her Executive MBA, which evidently is higher than just your plain old run of the mill MBA.  She probably would have convinced them to change her grade if she told them that her mom did jail time and 1000 hours of community service for beating the bag out of F-dog and allegedly trying to butcher knife 2 cops to death.  I know I wouldn’t mess with her.  Even with all that “the faculty” told Farrah that she is b*tchy and rude.  Seriously, I love it.  What the F kind of school is this and where do I sign up strictly to hear feedback?  Oh, and she also pronounced “Italian” as “Eye-talian” so basically I’m done with her.

Amber – Leah is busy learning how to not smash her head on the couch and write some words instead.  Professor Gary is trying to teach her to write “mommy” but I’m pretty sure she was just scribbling “dumb b*tch” in Brick Red crayon across the paper with devil horns over the “i.”  Amber doesn’t have time to teach Leah things as she has big dinner plans with 3 huge dudes who may or may not be able to take Gary in a wrestling match.  I was going to say “a race” but who’s kidding who?  During the eventual gang bang dinner Amber lets the guys know that it’s just “rumors” that she doesn’t have custody of Leah.  Rumors and legally binding court documents.  Same thing.

Later, Amber is watching videos of Leah on her cell phone running across the room and screaming.  Who wouldn’t want to go home to that?  Her cousin, Krystle Meth comes over to sass Amber on camera by telling her that she should “slow her role” with the guys and focus on her daughter instead.  Whoa.  Amber defends herself by saying that if she wasn’t focused on her daughter she wouldn’t be looking at rental homes every day for the past 5 days.  Why she wants to move out of Gary’s chalet is beyond me.  I’d stay for the chair lift alone!  Regardless, Amber claims she can’t see Leah because she doesn’t have her license anymore.  Perhaps she can have her realtor drop her off?

Speaking of the realtor…meet Bill.  Bill the Realtor.  Not to be confused with Bob the Lawyer from last episode.  Clearly Bill, like Bob, must be at the top of his industry as he is trying to turn a profit on Amber.  Maybe he’s her pimp.  One may never know.  However, if he knows how to make Amber’s stomach tattoo talk, we may have our answer.  Moving on.   Amber’s mom stops on by to give Leah a Halloween costume which, of course, is a Cinderella dress.  Maybe she didn’t get the memo that Leah lives in a ski resort and not with Amber.  Either way, Amber fills in her mom and also lets her know that she can’t leave her house because of all the people who drive by and honk their horns at her house and yell out that she’s a bad mom.  These people seem like a real hoot!  Like, they’re probably the same people who can’t take Tylenol because they consume between 2 and 3 alcoholic drinks per day and, well, I like ‘em.  If I were them I wouldn’t yell that she’s a bad mom, I’d simply honk my horn every morning and shout out, “Don’t forget to Sharpie your entire eyebrow today!”  I’m helpful like that.

Gary’s sex-pot mom comes over to where Amber is staying to drop off Leah for a little bit.  She will be taking Leah trick-or-treating later, but Gary won’t be going with her as he has “other plans.”  I’m sure that’s code for “people honk their horns and yell ‘fat bastard’ at him.”  Leah, meanwhile, is throwing an absolute fit (the same way I do when Teen Mom ends) when they put her in her Cinderella costume.  She’s quite the delight.  With the way her parents are I’m surprised she has melt-downs at all.  Amber, too, ends up crying yet again because of her current situation.  Seriously, someone get this chick help.  And I’m talking meds and lots of ‘em.  I’m not even joking.  All she does is cry.  She’s clearly depressed and since she allegedly tried to dirt-nap herself I think someone should be taking a closer look at this depression issue.

In the end, Amber doesn’t take Leah trick-or-treating but does instead look at another house to rent.  This time it’s from her friends mom and in a nice neighborhood where people don’t heckle you on the regular.  In other words, it’s boring.  Amber, once gain, starts to cry in the new house in front of the realtor because she just “wants to start over.”  Life isn’t a Nintendo game Amby.  You can’t just keep hitting reset.  Although if you do press up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A then you will get like 100 guys on Contra so, well, that’s that.  The realtor tells her she knows what it’s like to be a teen mom because she was one.  I love how people brag about that now, thanks to MTV.  Also, someone should check Gary’s Halloween candy for hidden razor blades and diet pills.  Safety first.

Maci – You know it’s going to be good Maci segment when in the first 20 seconds Ryan is giving out not one but two giant yawns!  Ryan’s yawns are the new Pitocin.  Drink!  He even gave us a nice yawn whilst trying to talk about Bint-Lee’s upcoming birthday party.  Everything else is, well, a giant yawn for the rest of the episode.  Fitting.  Maci declares that the birthday party will be just family and Kie and “whoever Ryan is dating at the time.”  Zings from Maci fall flat…like her former chest.  Hey-oh!  A zing within a zing!  Ryan should date Maci’s friend “Boo” only because she actually has a friend named “Boo” and, well, that must be on someones bucket list somewhere.

It’s Bint-Lee’s 2nd birthday so Maci and Kie are taking him to the aquarium.  Maci even invites Ryan, but he decides to take a pass since he’s being a little b*tch this episode.  I miss the Ryan from the past two episodes.  Maybe he’s giving up “the chew” and that’s why he’s cranky.  Maybe he’s having “ladies days” and his flow is heavy right now.  There are endless possibilities, really.  At the aquarium Bint-Lee freaks the F out at the sight of the birds.  His reaction was like mine the first time I saw Amber “sexy-dancing” on the beach in her blue dress.  Nasty, yet nice.

There’s a bunch of hoopla about Maci wanting to take Bint-Lee for 2 hours after his birthday party so she can take him trick-or-treating, but since Ryan has him that day he refuses to let Maci have him. Spoiler Alert:  Bint-Lee dressed up as Barney.  So we know, already, that Farrah hates him. Anyway,  it’s even the topic of conversation for Ryan and his family as they sit around a bonfire in their backyard and drink out of keg cups all whilst his mom suffers from a case of “beer tears” over this entire situation.  Personally, I couldn’t care less so let’s just move on.

In the end, we’re all at Bint-Lee’s birthday party at what looks like the most fun place on earth.  Ryan’s family is being a bunch of wet blankets and sitting on the side and not talking to anyone.  Everyone seems to be having fun except them.  Even Boo is having a blast.  Do you think on Halloween Boo answers “what?” a lot?  I do. I think it.  Maci tells Ryan that she’s taking Bint-Lee trick-or-treating regardless of what he says and Ryan just answers her by saying “court.”  Can you expand a bit?  He should have mouthed ‘Judge Judy” so that we were all on the same page.  Why does he need to take her to court?  Over what?  His parents should stop getting involved in his business and maybe he should focus on getting someone else pregnant that lives a little closer to them.  Have a strategy man.

Catelynn – With Butch and April missing from this episode, Catelynn and Tyler get voted the most boring of the crapisode.  Don’t get too comfortable, Maci and Kie, because you two just narrowly escaped that title.  You can thank Ryan’s yawn for saving you this week.  Anyforeheads, Catelynn and Tyler head out to a haunted corn field and scream the entire time.  If they really wanted a good scare they should look at Butch with 2 weeks of sobriety under his belt.  Spooooky!  Later they’re freaking out about a $63.00 bill that they owe and decide they both need to get minimum wage jobs to pay off that bill.  You’d think the MTV money would cover that but apparently, it doesn’t.

Since Catelynn isn’t technically a teen mom even though she’s on a show with the same name, she’s babysitting her little brother, Nick.  You may remember Nick from last season French-kissing the wall.  Yeah, him.  Nick is throwing a fit in the kitchen and just keeps yelling “whatever” at Catelynn and eventually starts slapping at her.  Where he learned any of this behavior, violence, and back talk is beyond me.  Perhaps this is what happens when April is your mom and your dad spends more time in the slammer than in the living room.  Personally, I like his Green Eggs and Ham t-shirt, but I think it’s more of a subtle hint than a fashion choice.  Also, I miss his mullet.  Insert sad face here ___.

Tyler and Catelynn both get job interviews which already makes me embarrassed for myself, them, and The America.  Tyler landed a job interview at a pizza place and Catelynn got her interview at “Toni’s Jewelry Boutique” even after she called her said “cool, so I’ll swing by and fill out an app.”  No me gusta when Cate tries to act cool, especially over the phone.  I’m not sure why she’s so adamant about working for “Toni’ and wanting to sell feather boas and Troll dolls with belly jewels.  Unless, of course, the Trolls are vagazzeled.  Duh.  Toni looks like she’s pissed at Catelynn the whole time and has a look on her face like she can “catch teen pregnancy” just by standing across from her.  Tyler’s interview at the pizza place went a lot better as the owner was asking him questions like, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”  I mean, you’re making pizza for minimum wage. Isn’t this the “reach goal?”  I don’t think you advance from here.  Tyler tells him he’s the right fit for the job because he “loves pizza.”  Hopefully he discloses to the owner that if Butch falls off the wagon it’s likely that he’ll be breaking into the pizza place and robbing them blind.  Eh, not my business really.

In the end, Tyler got the job at the pizza place and his mom (my love), Kim, is so happy that she’s crying over the phone.  Tyler working his first day actually beats Butch’s record for “total days worked”  I’m sure.  Even Catelynn got her job too!  Apparently she’ll be working 1 day a week for $8.00 an hour.  Score.  She’ll spend her entire paycheck on gas.  I wonder if they offer a 401K and if they’re looking for extra help?  Hmmmm.

Episode Rating:  4 Yawning Ryan’s