More Mindless Stories on ‘teen mom recap’
Live from “gel” it’s Saturday Night! How this wasn’t an SNL skit is beyond me. With all the scissoring that must go on behind bars in exchange for a carton of Misty 120’s I find it surprising that Amber’s Polygamist Sect curly braid was never cut off. Although, I’m sure she’s paying homage to our very own Butch “Snarlin’ Darlin’” Baltierra and, well, that’s good enough for me. So, after all of my letter writing over the year which, if I’m still being accurate, is 239 days…MTV finally sent our best human-like Weeble to catch up with Amber whilst in “gel” and see if she’s a changed person or if she is still likely to kick the fat ass of a loved one down the stairs. I’m sure she’s reserved now as I hear prison is a calming whimsical place. I’m joking, she probably shanks b*tches on the regular and eats Cap’n Crunch out of her toilet. This is the true story of Amber Portwood behind bars today and dancing on top of them tomorrow.
Dr Drewski opens up the show by standing outside of the jail (wimp) while all the inmates are in the background wearing orange jumpsuits. Had I not seen the commercials and knew that Amber was sporting a flattering red Hanes Husky, I would have been pausing my DVR looking for Waldo in the background. Speaking of the Husky, once I saw Amber I immediately was waiting for her to enter the “backroom” to the call of “Hey Kool-Aid” and then she would have, of course, crashed through the brick wall and shouted “Oh Yeah!” with some black Ray Charles sunglasses. Also, none of what I just stated is a normal way for the brain to think and I will immediately hold an intervention on myself so that I will seek therapy. Update: I ran from my intervention. Moving on. Amber is also wearing some form-fitting tan Docker khaki’s that really say, “Sure I’m in jail, but when my sentence is up I can immediately pick up a shift at Blockbuster.” The pants say that through the pee-pee zipper…just in case that wasn’t clear. Sidenote: It took me the full 30 minutes to figure it out, but Ambjikistan also kinda looks like Fergie if, you know, she ever got a case of the “prison fats.”
We learn a lot about Amber through this interview like how Gary and Leah haven’t come to visit her yet and how she’s finally clean and sober and voluntarily taking anger management classes but, let’s face it, all that is one giant Ryan-sized yawn. Sure it was good to see Amber not slurring and not being a giant B, but I was more interested in what jail was like for her. Apparently, she’s in some kind of “therapy jail” which is like a rehab inside the prison walls. She claims she didn’t want to go to that one, but since she’s had her rights taken away they forced her. Kinda like Bertha must force her to braid her gentlemen greeter afro on Sunday mornings. Allegedly. Fine, made up. Oh, and Amber also found herself a job for the next 5 years. She’s cleaning toilets so evidently she’s not entirely away from crack on a daily basis. Hey-oh! She does all this for $0.60 an hour which is slightly less than she was making from filming Teen Mom. Oh wait. And to no surprise Amby-Pants is also studying for her GED on Saturday mornings, probably at the same time Leah is watching cartoons and wondering if someone from Team Oomi Zoomi is her mom. I would imagine that to be the case.
Truth be told, Amber seems to be doing pretty well and actually taking accountability for her past actions. She even states that she was pretty much high every time she spoke with Drew. I think I called that during one of the reunion shows where she hysterically cried for 90 minutes on the couch. Call it a hunch. Since I’m as old as the hills and The Hills, I was confused when she was talking about some drug she was taking that was a plastic patch that you stuck to your body…and sometimes chewed. So, like, one of those Bazooka Joe temporary tattoos? My parents always told me not to lick those because they could be laced with drugs and evidently they were right. You ruin lives, Bazooka Joe! If my memory serves me correctly, I think the drug Amber is talking about is similar to the one that Linda from Intervention used to take right before she would do scissor kicks on her front lawn screaming she was being electrocuted. Pretty much same/same. However, my favorite part was when Slammber was discussing how she was so high she didn’t care about anyone or herself, but she did reference how terrible she looked with her spray tan and eyelashes. I’m not kidding when I say that her calling that out was proof to me she is now clean and sober…and a little boring, but clean and sober nonetheless. I just wish she would have brought up that chick from Destiny’s Child that befriended her this season or my favorite phrase of the previous season: Expensive! Sadly, she did not so I can only hope for a yearly follow-up special over the next 5 years. 5 years. Really? 5 years, for what? Didn’t Lohan kill someone and she was only in “gel” for 34 minutes? Eh, to each their own.
In the end, Amber states that she wants to be a better mom for Leah because she admits she wasn’t a good mom to her at all. It kind of sucks when she admits all this because it makes it more difficult to roast her. Speaking of roast, I read from the drunks over at RadarOnline today that apparently Gary tells Leah that “Mommy is in California making a movie.” He better hope that Ghostbuster’s sequel really does happen in the next 5 years or he’s going to have some explaining to do. I also hope that at least half of what Amber made from Teen Mom is frozen somewhere in a bank account because when she gets out in 5 years she’s going to need to find a hobby…and that hobby is going to require money…and it should kinda center around drugs…and it should be filmed….cuz I’m gonna wanna see it.
This isn’t an open letter as much to Catelynn as it is to “The America,” the bong, a little bit to Catelynn and mainly to you. Look, I don’t really see what all the hoopla is about for Catelynn and that damn bong. Are drugs good for you? Most likely, no. I mean, I’m not a doctor or a scientist, but I am a scientific doctor and in chapter 1 of “So You’re a Doctor Now” they pretty much say that while drugs do put a little pep in your step it’s not so bueno for your cabeza. Plus, there’s that whole frying pan and egg drug commercial from the 80’s that always made me want breakfast and, well, pretty much made IHOP what it is today. Anyway, so Cate took an alleged hit from the bong. So what? Isn’t this why she pretty much sold her baby to some white-folk in the hospital parking lot? They “placed” their baby into another life so they could finish school, get their braces off, move into a trailer, and do drugs. Personally I think it’s a victory for Catelynn. At least it explains why she couldn’t get the baby weight off after 3 years and was always filming scenes at the damn diner with bacon grease shellacked all over her fingers and T-Boz combover.
This chick pulled an “Irish Goodbye” on her baby and wanted to live the American Dream. She collected enough money from MTV to practically buy the entire trailer park and still have enough left over to Lemon-Pledge her wood paneling, which really pops in the background of this here photo. What the hell else is she supposed to do with that money? Sure if it were me I would be using it for your standard forehead reduction surgery, but that’s just me. I dream big. Also, Oprah makes me dream big…you know, by law and junk. Truth be told, I think it’s high time (see what I did there? high-five. See what I just did there too?) that Cate takes part in a little drug action. First off, I’m sure Dr. Drew sold the drugs to her so she could seamlessly transition over to his Celebrity Rehab show. She can carpool with April, Butch, Amber, Jenelle, Kieffer, Farrah (pre-boobs) and the rest of the Knocked-Up-Brigade (KUB). Second of all, whilst high she can pretend to sympathize with Tyler for not being able to get it up. I am simply too high to do sex to you. Forget the fact that she looks like Husky Kitty. It’s the drugs. Third of all, she needs to start numbing some pain and numbing it fast. I mean, she’s forced to look at the hole in the bathroom wall that her mother’s head created when Butch played Extreme Makeover: Home Edition with her melon. That can’t be easy to look at every time you have to go #2. I can imagine.
To be honest, do we even know if Catelynn smoked out of the bong? Perhaps she was using it to try and contact Butch in the slammer, you know, the same way that the mayor of Gotham flashes that light to get Batman’s attention via the sky? Same/same. Maybe she forgot that she sold iCarly and was simply looking for her in the bong like she was that pain-in-the-ass Baby Jessica at the bottom of that pesky well? With any luck she mistook the bong for a curling iron and was finally going to curl her bangs to hide a good 3-4 feet of that forehead. It’s quite possible April gives her beauty tips like that (You know I still love ya kid!).
At the end of the day, you’re wearing rolled up (too tight) dungarees, sitting on a puffy emerald green suede couch with wood paneling behind you, in a double-wide trailer, on a dirt road, and you’re hitting the bong. What. In. The. Hell. Else. Are. You. Supposed. To. Do. This is exactly how you behave in a trailer. In fact, I think it’s part of the admission process. “Do you have job? No. Can you smoke on a puffy couch? Yes. Great, you’re in. Now you owe us $700 for the trailer…over the next 30 years. “ Catelynn didn’t side-eye Teresa and Brandon for nothing 3 years ago. She did it so she can be a kid and make bad decisions….and do it all without having a human to take care of. Look at Farrah. She wanted to learn how to make English Muffin Pizza’s in college and she had to ship her baby across the country because she couldn’t handle it. Look at Amber. I mean. No words. But you get the point. Catelynn is allowed to smoke it if she got it. Sure, not by law. But maybe if she has glaucoma she can. I don’t know. I read that somewhere before. I think that’s why Dionne Warwick is high all the time.
In closing, you better hop on your Ouija Board to get in touch with Brandon and Teresa because you know you’re totally dead to them now. And what do ya know, suddenly April is turning into quite the responsible lady. She just slams Twisted Teas, but at least that’s legal. However, I have a feeling that this will end the same exact way as the last episode of Seinfeld, with Catelynn, Tyler, Butch and April all sitting in a jail cell together looking at each other for the rest of their lives. But, you know, with more forehead and rat-tails.
It’s fitting that MTV would kick me in the teeth one last time with the part two of the Teen Mom reunion being about Maci for about 45 minutes. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Maci looks like Japanimation come to life with the black streak in her hair that no one is doing anywhere. This is one of those times that if I were Dr. Drew I would ask Maci if the carpet matches the drapes. I mean, it’s gotta look like a ginger skunk down there, of course, with a case of “the rabies.” We learn a lot about Maci during her segment, like how bat sh*t crazy this bricks chick really is. Apparently Kyle has cheated on her and so she packed up her stuff, grabbed Bint-Lee and moved out of the mold-infested bungalow. It seems that Maci caught Kyle cheating on her after she saw something “electronic” on her computer that he accidentally left open. Um, electronic? What in the holy hell is she talking about? Electronic on her computer? Is she referring to a calculator? I’m lost. Perhaps, Kyle wrote “boobless” upside-down the calculator app and accidentally left it open? Or maybe it was just albino caveman porn? One may never know. All we do know is that after they moved out Bint-Lee never really asked any questions about where his cartoon albino bulldog was hiding or why they no longer live in Section 8 housing and foreclosure. We also know that Ryan was extremely supportive to Maci during this difficult time. Hopefully she allowed him to throw it in a few times, you know, for good measure. At the least let’s hope she let him dab Proactiv with a cotton ball on her “gentlemen greeter.” Someone Tweet her that hard hitting question.
Since Kyle has no clue where he is, what he is, or what is going on, he decides to show up to the reunion and sit directly next to Maci even though they haven’t spoken a word since the breakup. Since Kyle is on television he’s evidently decided to feather his hair a bit and then hit the top of it with some AquaNet. I’m not quite sure where his actual eyes are and why his eyebrows seem to match the color of his skin. He’s like Powder version of Whoopi Goldberg. Seriously, where are his eyes? So this whole “cheating” thing may have been blown a little out of proportion. According to Ky-Jelly all he really did was chat with some old girlfriends online. Uh, really? Chat? Was he in like a 1998 AOL Chatroom? AlbinoBulldogs4Sluts? Sadly I’m pretty sure he’d be unable to answer the simple A/S/L. And, let’s face it, there’s no way he’d ever be able to crack the Captcha Code. Kyle claims he’s never actually cheated, but Maci seems to think he “does chatroom” a lot in the past. I mean, this poor bastard has to help take care of your son, deal with the cameras, and try to pretend that your face isn’t going to explode at a moments notice. Let him chat with some sluts online whilst he gives himself a handy under the computer desk. It’s the least you can do for him. Either way, Kyle apparently wasn’t happy with Maci for the previous 5-months and they argued all the time so he was pretty much done anyway. Too bad Kyle didn’t give Maci that additional baby like she begged for in 4 episodes. That would have really worked out well. Quite the busy Father’s Day in Chattanooga.
Meanwhile, Ryan and Dalis bust onto the scene. Ryan is dressed like a backup dancer for a Vanilla Ice video and Dalis is dressed in the same color as Maci, but just looks better, younger, fresher, smarter, hotter, sluttier. She’s like Pinterest and Maci is like the last days of Myspace. I just wanted to make sure I covered all the bases so you knew exactly what I was talking about. Maci is turning all 6’s and 7’s by telling Ryan and Dr. Drew that she doesn’t understand why they can’t all hang out for an hour in front of Bint-Lee. Seriously she keeps harping on this for a little while and is looking glum like someone who denied her friend-request. It was refreshing, however, that Ryan didn’t yawn once during this reunion and also explained that he is actually ok with Bint-Lee attending pre-school, just not on the days where Ryan has him. I’m sure Ryan can just “teach ‘em” on those days himself. Good luck with the second half of the alphabet, Bint! No one uses any letters after “M” anyway.
I have to admit, Dalis is pretty well spoken, although she may be a little bit of a Pinocchio because every time Dr. Drew asks her a question about Maci she look up directly to the sky before she answers the question. It’s ok though because hot girls are allowed to lie. It says so in the Bible. It’s right after the part that says you’ll burn in hell if you’re not a white man. MTV has been airing a commercial where Maci claims to call out Dalis on some stuff that she doesn’t want to know about. I was hoping she was pregnant with Ryan’s yawning fetus, but sadly that’s not the case. Plus, Maci can’t get pregnant in the bum anyway. I guess what happened was that Ryan and Dalis got into a fight so Ryan texted Maci that he wanted to go to her room and hang out with her and her friends. So obviously he was looking for a gang-bang. As he should. As. He. Should. Maci then texted back and told him he would have a better time if he was with her instead of a girl who misspells her own name on the regular. It would be like if her name was Chicago and she spelled it Shicahggo. It just makes no kind of sense. Anyjunk, Maci and Dalis decide to bury the hatchet-face and even plan on getting coffee together so they can get to know each other better. At one point Maci even says that when she’s not around, Dalis is actually the next best person in line to take care of Bint-Lee. Dalis then says that Maci is a great mom. Ryan looks freaked out, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to be banging them both at the same time in the green room as soon as this reunion wraps.
Later, since Amber is currently “occupado” somewhere else they bring out Gary for literally 5 minutes. First off, he takes up legit two seats on the couch and looks like he’s about to fall off the set. Second, he is literally dressed like a Smurf. White shorts and a bright blue shirt. He’s like “Obesity Smurf” which is, of course, Vanity Smurfs arch nemesis. I was hoping drew would hand him a giant gift and it would explode upon opening and we’d all be done with this crap. Dr. Drew decided to use Gary’s time to read a letter from Amber. In the letter Amber takes responsibility for her actions, tells everyone she isn’t a bad person, and hopes that everyone watching will never want to be like her. If she isn’t a live condom ad I don’t know what is. Of course she take a little dig at Gary in the letter claiming she’s not sure if they’ll ever get back together since Gary is insecure in their relationship. If I were Gary I would have just one word for her: EXPENSIVE!
Dr. Drew claims he’s chatted with Amber on the phone prior to the show and she sounded like a changed person, sober, and on the right track. Yeah, that’s not true. Unless he was calling her in the slammer. Dr. Drew also let’s Gary know that Amber is really nice when she is sober so you know she’s on drugs when she’s being mean and kicking the bag out of Gary on the regular. Gary concludes is 3 minute segment by saying that Leah is really smart for her age and obviously gets that from him. That and Type II…well, you know the rest.
In the end, all the girls come back with their children…except Cate and Ty because they sold their baby to white folk, in case you weren’t aware. Leah is a little ham for the camera, which is quite dangerous considering that Gary really enjoys a little ham. I’m joking. He likes a lot of ham. There’s a difference. All the girls give some advice to Amber, which I believe was to do scissors as much as possible so she doesn’t get beat up in “gel.” They all support her, but Cate supports her the most because she’s perfect.
And, well, that chapter of our lives is closed (unlike Amber’s legs in the prison system). So why not join me on my Facebook page and all will be right with the world.
I’m glad that MTV decided to split this reunion up into two parts. I think it technically takes that long to try and discover exactly where iCarly is hiding out. Spoiler Alert: Tajikistan. I know, it’s usually the first place I look but the last place Dr. Drew looked. Speaking of doctors who mainly appear on television, Dr. Drew has decided to semi-retire his trademark t-shirt and blazer in order to look older and more “available” to Farrah. I mean, I assume that. For some inexplicable reason Farrah appears to be dressed like Dorothy Zbornak so it only makes sense that Drew is dressed like Dr Harry Weston. I’m kidding. He’s clearly doing his best “Charlie Dietz.” Anygultch, let’s see exactly what went down (besides Amber on her jail-house girlfriend) last night on “You Didn’t Graduate from High School, So Here’s Your Reunion: Reunion.”
Before we can begin, Dr. Drew reads a “letter” from Amber who unfortunately couldn’t be there. The letter was amazing. She addressed it like she was winning an Academy Award. She claims in her letter that she’s doing well, but is just dealing with a probation issue. Aww that’s cute. I hope your 5 years in jail is as wondrous as I imagine it to be. Anyway, we kick things off with Husky Kitty and someone who is supposed to be Tyler, but we all know that she’s actually sitting next to David Silver circa 1998 with his oversized bright red shirt and black vest. I was waiting for him to sing a snippet of “Switch It Up” just to prove he was really from the 90210. I’m relieved that Ty and Cate are no longer dressing like Bratz Dolls but just because Tyler is 10 feet tall doesn’t mean he always has to wear an XXL that would basically be swimming on Gary. Catelynn looks nice. She’s growing out her T-Boz bob, is still chasing waterfalls, don’t want no scrubs, and if she were to be wearing a hat…it would obviously be worn 2 da back. For someone who sported braces for more than half her life I was surprised that when she smiled my initial reaction was that she should have kept them on for another 3-4 years. Perhaps Butch melted down the metal from her retainer whilst drug use was in play. One may never know.
Per usual, Cate and Tyler are doing awesome. Yawn. And, spoiler alert, they’ve set a date for their wedding. Supposedly it’s in a year, but something tells me they’ll wait for Butch to be freed from the slammer so he can walk/chase Catelynn down the aisle. Hopefully MTV will film this because clearly I want to see what it’s like when “trailer folk” decide to wed. Seeing April fall off the wagon (both literally and figuratively) during the reception (at Olive Garden) is more than my simple little mind can take. I hope their wedding colors are tan and orange, you know, in honor of Butch’s prison colors. All of the wedding party will wear Butch’s tan sandals and, of course, be shackled. As they should. Anyway, Dr. Drew is sure to blow as much smoke up their arses as possible. And we learn that Catelynn really loves to help girls who are in trouble who want to give up their children. Where was she when Octomom was pushing them out? You see, I think that Octomom jokes (3 years later) are just as funny today as they were back then. At one point they had some chick in the audience ask Catelynn what should a girl do if she’s pregnant and wants to give up her baby, but also maybe keep it so she can stay with her man. I love these Ricki Lake-style questions. Catelynn rambled on for hours with her answer, but I kept yelling at my television, “Flush it. F’n flush it.” What did you yell?
Just when I lapsed into my 3rd coma of the evening they wheel out April who’s looking like hot sex on a cold plate. I’m not quite sure what that means, but yet I’m sticking with it. April has dyed her gray strings and is even sporting some high leather black boots that go right up to the knobby knee. While some of you may think April is doing this because she is a “slave to fashion” I’m pretty sure that she likes her boots that high because you can store multiple Twisted Teas all up and down the leg. She’s like a pioneer. April is also about 72 minutes sober. Good for her. She should do shots to celebrate. She has given up “the sauce” (which has taken decades off her facia bruta) but she can’t seem to quit Butch. How can you blame her. She’s addicted to the way his salt-and-pepper rat tail drips sweat in the summer heat. At one point Drew makes them all push over on the couch so he can sit directly next to April and chat with her. I thought he was going to try and slip it in but, alas, he did not. He is a trained professional and only does that when the cameras are down. Allegedly. Out little April has apparently written a letter to Brandon and Teresa to let them know she’s sober now and would like to meet her “grand baby” sometime in the future. I’m sure they called the FBI and put on plastic gloves when that letter arrived at their house. It was probably written in crayon and sealed with Rainbow Brite stickers. They probably poured a couple of glasses of wine and had a laugh or two over the letter. Poor April (literally). She’ll get to see iCarly when everything in The Jetson’s actually starts to happen.
We also learn that Tyler never sent Butch that letter that he wrote him because he doesn’t want to give up on the guy. Well probably for that reason and the likelihood that Butch has a cellmate that will help him sound-out words is slim to none. In the end, since there isn’t much more to talk with them about Dr Drew shows them a clip of their 16 & Pregnant episode when they had to give up their child. Ah, awkward? He asked how that makes them feel and they reply by saying, “Happy!” Oh kids. Yeah, it made me happy too…the way that seeing a homeless man with a tinfoil hat drinking a 6-pack makes me happy. Catelynn leaves us with the thought that keeping a baby when you’re a teenager is too hard and she points out that none of the cast is still together. I mean that’s sorta kinda almost true. Farrah’s baby daddy died (to escape her) so that’s not really fair, Cate, but still. Point taken. I hope these two saved as much of their Teen Mom money as possible because things are about to get real, real soon.
Speaking of people who are dead (inside) enter Farrah. She looks as happy as ever. Every question that Dr. Drew asks her she kinda gives a “F U” answer. So basically she’s the same as she was for the entire time we knew her…except she’s dressing like a resident of Boca Raton. Ms. Gulch is a true sass-master when Drew asks her about her relationships with both Adam and Daniel. Now I do remember Daniel, but who the hell was Adam? More importantly, I couldn’t care less. All I know is that Farrah seems to think that both these guys only wanted to be with her because she was “Farrah from Teen Mom.” Of course they are. It’s not like they’re after her for her worm-like ways and beaming personality. Plus, she has a kid so who the hell wants to deal with that mess? Oh, and tack on Debra…in which she could kill you. So basically it’s a recipe for disaster…and blueberry muffins. Just add blueberries. Duh.
Farrah also spends some time telling her side of the story about what really happened with Daniel. She claims at his friends party he was staring at her and then told her to take a cab back to the hotel. Yeah, I don’t believe any of that. I don’t think Drew did either because he kept asking her about her pressuring Daniel into getting engaged and getting a ring. I legit have no clue what’s actually happening because suddenly Farrah starts spouting out nursery rhymes and saying “Yeah, little boy broke.” I don’t even know what that means. Is that like code for something? Baa baa black sheep? 2 Legit 2 Quit? I is be confuzed, please. At least Farrah lets all the pervs of the world know that she is single and is looking to date older men. I’m almost positive that Drew pitched a tent right then and there. He was like, “Cut!” and then took his pants off to reveal his ding-a-ling wearing a t-shirt and blazer. You knew that t-shirt was hiding around there somewhere!
Later, since even Drew seems bored he finally asks Farrah why she calls her father “Michael” and not “daddy bear.” Ok I made that last part up. But he did ask. Apparently Farrah claims that he did things growing up where she lost respect for him and therefore will only call him Michael. Ahem, diddled, ahem. She then says that her whole family basically bullies Michael into that name…and then she laughs. Oh she sure is her mother’s daughter. When Drew asks why she doesn’t call Debra “Debra” Farrah just laughs and says that Debra wouldn’t be ok with that. Now that is definitely code for “She’ll butcher-knife the sh*t out of me.” Speaking of “the claw” they end up bringing Debra out, who is dressed like a Delta “stewardess” from 1988 and, well, I’m ready for take-off. They all admit that Debra really takes a beating from Farrah, but Farrah claims it’s justified since growing up Debra was always working and traveling (high priced escort?) and when she was in town she would just fight with Michael all the time. Um, yeah and your point? Isn’t that what marriage is all about? I’m pretty sure it’s even in the Bible. It’s right after the passage with that cute little story about the leper. Wink wink. I have no idea. Anyway, Farrah is still upset even today because at Baby Goop’s birthday party Debra and Michael were acting like they wanted to get back together and spent every night going out and drinking. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. I totally knew these two hit the sauce on the regular. I’m sure April is back stage right now drooling.
In the end, Farrah gave us multiple ugly-cries and multiple orgasms. She is clearly still a hot mess and is about to bust at the seams the moment Goop throws one more thing at her head. She’s still complaining about Derrick being gone and she’s still bummed that they were supposed to run away together to get away from their horrific families. I’m glad things worked out the way they did, minus the whole dirt-nap scenario. I think my life wouldn’t be as good without Debra and crew in it. I am that pathetic. Finally, Farrah ends up thanking Debra for being her mom and helping her with Goop and being “hard on her.” Again, a shout out to the butcher knives obviously. Debra, of course, starts to cry and talk in that extremely high pitched voice that only Stitch can actually hear. She claims that she’s proud of Farrah for everything she has accomplished…getting pregnant at 16, embarrassing the family on national television, and getting her associates degree in “heating up pizza.” I’d be proud too.
Join me on what the kids call “Facebook” by clicking here. Once we’re friends both of our lives will be changed forever. Maybe we’ll even talk about our favorite episode of “The Weakest Link.” Maybe we won’t.
Well folks, here we are. Like Farrah’s life when Debra grabs the butcher knives, all good things must come to an end. So for one last time, let’s see what Amber, Farrah, Maci, and Catelynn were up to on last nights crapisode of “The One Time Unprotected Teenage Sex Actually Paid Off, Literally.”
Amber – Amber hasn’t had a lot of time to attend her out-patient therapy, what with all the sitting around and crying in the fetal position and all. I’m sure she doesn’t even need therapy. She seems very well adjusted and not at all like she’ll be soon serving actual jail time. Therapy is for people who like to complain. At least that’s my motto. My therapist says it’s a nice motto. Anylashes, since Amber isn’t in therapy, taking care of Leah, going to get that pesky (pole) GED or, you know, actually contributing to society it only makes sense that she’s been able to focus on her dating life. And has she ever! Enter Mike. He may or may not be on “the drugs” as we speak. I’m also not convinced that he’s not just Amber’s dealer and they’re both too high to realize that there are people following them with cameras and boom mics. Apparently Mike has never had Italian food before so Amber is sure to take him to the finest Italian cuisine in Lanford’s most high profile strip mall. I’m sure it’s directly next to the Lunch Box. Obviously. Whilst at the restaurant Amber is telling her new boyfriend (or boy toy as Gary likes to call him) all of her troubles, including such word gems as “court” and “giving up custody” and “battery; domestic.” I’ll assume that kind of battery is better than international? I don’t know. I don’t hit people. I do kick pigeons, however. I’m kidding. I feed them Pop Rocks and Coke and then I just watch. Oh, and I love how every time Amber is at a restaurant on a date and she starts eating she’s like “Mmmmm this is SO good!” Is it? Is it really? I mean there’s wood paneling behind you, I can see the parking lot in the background, and I’m almost certain it’s just Chicken Noodle Soup. Pipe down. No literally, put the pipe down. Amber starts telling Mike about Leah and he says that even though he hasn’t met her yet he’s sure that Leah is just like Amber. Yeah, a friggin maniac. Seriously, is this guy just part of the camera crew? Come on MTV, the show is over…you can tell us now.
Meanwhile, since Amber is now dating Mike, Gary and his flesh-color-slim-fit-hyper-color-t-shirt is just going to throw Leah her own birthday party. Gary’s MILF is literally choking from her own fitted sweat-shirt with what I can only assume is a family of geese on it. So hot. As Leah is blowing out her candles I notice how much combined obesity is sitting around that table. Dear Lord. If anyone exhales Leah is going to lose an eye to a flying Levi’s 501 Blues button. Amber can’t seem to understand why Gary is having a party without her, especially because she’s now dating someone else. Yeah I can’t piece that puzzle together either. After Gary hangs up on Amber and tells her he’ll never answer her calls again he ends up, well, answering her call the next day. But this is when it turns into “On a very special episode of Teen Mom“ because the sad music is playing and Amber is sitting along, curled up, and crying while they just, you know, film her and junk. She calls Gary and asks to have Leah for the day and when Gary denies her request it turns into an episode of Bad Girls Club. Obviously, Gary is the chick with the big rack. Duh. Gary sends his love to Amber by calling her a whore and then really spices things up by calling her a “slut puppy” for having a new boyfriend. I used to like those blue raspberry slut puppies. But, like a traditional slut puppy, they really tend to lose their flavor after just a few minutes. I mean, these two are screaming at each other. Amber is shaking and screaming claiming that the court will never give custody of Leah to Gary. Uh, if they have eyes and know how to Google things they’ll definitely give custody to Gar Bear. At one point, Amber starts to hyperventilate and slowly falls over like it’s nappy-poo time. Awww so cute. Crying sleeping Amby-Pants. Awww too much Ambien for Ambien.
I have to admit, some of this crap got sad. When Amber and Gary were walking paw in paw into court so that Amber would sign over custody of her daughter I thought, well that blows. It’s like can’t she just stop beating the bag out of people and then CPS will go away on their own? It’s not like they like watching Amber or anything. That’s out job, as Americans. In the end, Amber heads home and Destiny’s Child arrives to comfort Amber, but it was Destiny’s Child who was in need of comforting. Her eyes were filling up and on two different occasions she legit looked like she was going to hurl. I’m not sure why she’s so sad. I mean, it’s 11:30 and da club is jumpin’ jumpin’. In the final scenes Amber throws a little party for Leah, in which just the two of them make cupcakes and then eat them. I tell ya, you put anything to slow music and it really sucks the life right on out of you.
My Amber Prediction – She’ll shank some b*tch in prison and spend the rest of her life there. Gary, of course, will still be a bastard.
Farrah – I’m not sure why this entire episode needed to be 1.5 hours, as nothing really happened. However, since Farrah basically had a late-in-life abortion she’s able to do all sorts of fun things to boost up her resume like taking a bartending class. Don’t worry, it’s not a waste of time or footage since we get to see Farrah learn how to ask if someone wants an olive or lemon twist in their martini. She’s now officially qualified to work the afternoon shift at the Olive Garden. Ole! Also, since Farrah doesn’t have any friends and is sans life (like me) she drags her neighbor to her apartment so they can sit on the couch and Farrah can tell her that Sophia used to really cheer her up when she was sad about Derrick and so, therefore, she misses her. I mean, I always thought Baby Goop was a child but evidently Farrah thinks of her more like a My Little Pony doll for her own entertainment. Eh, let’s face it she is. It’s one of the last times we’ll get to watch Farrah sitting on puffy leather and giving us her best “ugly cry” that MTV’s money can buy! Personally I liked the way she seemed to try to pull her hat directly over her head and somehow around her neck. Had her neighbor had a mallet it could have turned into Whack-a-Mole. Speaking of which, in 3 years I don’t think I ever referenced Farrah’s mole. Well what do you know?! Didn’t we almost have it all…
Later Farrah checks in with Baby Goop and Debra and we learn that Goop is all hopped up on candy eggs. Farrah seems less than pleased with this knowledge, which is weird since she’s always such a ray of sunshine. Meanwhile, she has her classmate come over so they can work on their homework together, which consists of making a fortune cookie canoli. Don’t worry, it came out as horrific as it sounds. It literally cracked up the middle, exploded on the sides, and canoli was everywhere. To sum up, it looked like Farrah’s “gentlemen greeter” post the birthing process. They end up having to take a picture of it so they can send it to their teacher. Is this for real? I would have just found a picture of one online and sent that. I would have also sent a little strip of paper that said “Your Lucky Numbers are: 5, 14, 27, 25,29.” I would have also told the teacher that Ni Hao Kai Lan gave me the recipe. Any other stereotypes I missed? Think I got ‘em all. Anyjunk, the recipe must have been a success because Farrah got all A’s in all of her classes. Apparently she really does appreciate art as much as she should. I wouldn’t be surprised if Farrah gave up her fortune cookie to some of her other teacher as well…if ya know what I mean. I’m talking about having sex with them for grades. Cool. And I loved when Farrah called Debra to let her know her grades and then got all pissed off when Debra couldn’t hear what she said. She rolls her eyes and is like, “I got all A’s mom….God!” She also is a Grade-A b*tch, but that goes without saying.
Farrah makes it back to Florida to scoop up Goop and spend a little eye-roll time with Debra and the rest of the crew…sans Michael, whom I can only assume is chained up naked in the basement and down 50 pounds. At the airport Farrah did seem happy to see Sophia, but turned into a modern day Pinnochio by telling her sister that she was so overcome with happiness that she started crying. Uh, really? Every time you lie your boobs grow, Farrah. She should write a song about that. While having dinner with her sister and her sister’s underbite we learn that some schmuck proposed to her. We’re left to believe she wasn’t going to marry him. That would have been a good lead-in question but, per usual, Farrah made it all about herself and said that if any guy proposed to her she’d just say yes no matter what and work on their problems later. That seems like a healthy thought process. Of course she starts to ugly cry (for the last time) when she talks about Derrick proposing to her and then her giving him the ring back. I’m sorry, but had this guy been alive there is no way they would have been together. Also, had he been alive he surely would have just ended up killing himself anyway. I mean, it’s a miracle I made it through 3 seasons of this without kicking the chair out from underneath me. Anyway, as Farrah cries Sophia chimes in that she’s a big cry baby and then at one point she tells her she’s a bad person. Seriously, Sophia is not only officially the smartest person on this show, but quite possibly in all of Nebraska (where they give out Executive MBA’s with the purchase of a large iced coffee and dozen donuts).
In the end, Farrah ends up taking Sophia back to Florida with her and tells Debra she won’t be coming back that often now that she’s enrolled Sophia into art class. That was sweet. I’m sure with Farrah’s booming music career this isn’t the last we’ll be seeing of her.
My Farrah Prediction – Sex tape with Michael.
Catelynn – Since there are Halloween decorations in the background it only makes sense that Cate and Tyler start shopping for school supplies for when they start college in 3 more months. Trust me, Teresa and Brandon aren’t watching and I’m sure they couldn’t give two Shasta McNasty’s if you two go to Double-Wide University or not. Anyway, April and her forehead stop on by to see if Cate and Ty will watch Nick for her for the weekend so she can have some “alone time.” Is that code for “meth binge” or “carving a vibrator in the shape of Butch’s mullet?” One may never know. What we do know, however, is that April is still on the poor-white-trash-chain-link-fence about divorcing Butch or not. She knows she should, but she still loves the bastard. For the 10th time they all discuss Butch’s admitted love for cocaine over his own son or wife. Yawn. I mean, this is the same conversation we’ve all had with our parents at some point, right? Had Butch been released into the wild he would have kidnapped iCarly and turned her into a Mexican drug mule at this point. Ole!
Now here’s something none of us knew anything about. Evidently Tyler has these huge anger issues? Uh ok. Tyler is yelling and screaming when a can falls over and then later when Nick’s dog take a sh*t on the floor he starts legit screaming and kicks the dog out of the house trailer. He was like that chick from the Stanley Steamer commercial when she screams “Toby!” like someone is brutally murdering her. I actually squealed with delight when Ty was yelling, “I said git! Git! Git! I said git!” to the dog. This causes poor Nick to start crying. That poor bastard has been crying for 3/4s of his life. And you totally know he saw Butch ride April’s head into the bathroom wall like she was the god-damn Polar Express for cripes-sake. Why is Ty Ty so angry? I was sure there would be a z-snap in there somewhere, but sadly there wasn’t. He decides that he needs therapy. I hope it’s filmed. Oh. It is.
Once again, I have to admit that this therapy session actually got kind of sad. Through the miracle of his therapist, Tyler learns that his anger comes from fear and his fear resides because he thinks Butch is going to choose death over life and he’ll die without ever loving Tyler. Aww that does kinda suck (like Kim at “ladies night” on a Friday night…wink wink). Tyler was crying and the therapist looked bored. The whole situation really blew. I don’t know what I would do if I learned that Butch didn’t love me. I just assumed he did. And I could care less if he loved coke more than me. Hell, I love Barb Evans more than him so, well, we’re even. There, I said it!
In the end, Ty decides to write Butch a “goodbye” letter and he and Cate read it on the top of some mountain at sunset. Uh, ok. I’m pretty sure this is the same mountain that the Von Trapps used to escape those meddling Nazi’s many year ago. Fine it’s not, but I like to pretend it was. It make it all the more fun. And if I thought for one second that Butch had the ability to read, I’m sure he would have found Ty’s letter very touching and sobering. I mean, not sobering in the whole “I’ll quit booze and drugs” kind of sobering…but the other definition. I don’t know all the definitions.
My Catelynn Prediction – She’ll end up chasing waterfalls well into her 30’s.
Maci – Goodbye forever.
Well that’s that. It was fun whilst it lasted and was more torture than you’ll ever know. I kid. It was worse. Join me on my Facebook page so we can remain friends until April and Butch get their own spinoff!
Episode Rating: 4 “Dead to Us” Butch’s