More Mindless Stories on ‘teen mom recap’

Teen Mom Reunion Part II: A Surprise Forehead

And so we meet again.  Dr Drew and his baby vomit green decides to bring Amber back after she stormed off stage due to her mom talking to Dr Drew about her daughter dying from SADS.  That’s a typo and, well, I’m keeping it because Amber stuffed into her blue blouse without spanx makes me sad.  Ambjikistan finally comes back out on stage and Drew tries to smooth things over with the whole SIDS thing and then kinda sorta makes Amber’s mom (who should clearly be named Bonnie) feel like it was pretty much her fault because he keeps talking about how SIDS can be prevented.  Truth be told, I’m looking it up because I want to make sure I can’t die from it too.  I plan on adding one of those “angel” breathing monitors to my bed.  I’ll ask my neighbors if they won’t mind turning on the alarm around 11pm and calling 911 if they hear it go off in the middle of the night.  I’m a good planer like that.  Anywheresyourpuffyvest, they quickly wrap up the time with Amber and she and her mom give each other a little kiss.  I’m sure needles and pills were slyly being exchanged during that kiss.  See you whores in 2012.

Next up is Catelynn and Tyler.  For reasons that I’m not aware of they’re both dressed like AOL IM WeeMee’s circa 2001.  Catelynn looks like what would happen if Hello Kitty wasn’t so Asian and came to life in the form of a girl who is still trying to shed her 24-month old birth weight.  You can tell all that simply from the Snooki bow placed very high up on Cate’s forehead.  I’m talking real high.  Like, Mistletoe would ideally go up there during the holidays.  And, per usual, Tyler is dressed like the male version of a Bratz doll.  These two really yawn it up for me and, most likely the editors, because we’re forced to watch about a 4 minute clip of their season and then…wait for it…we’re also forced to talk about “da club” incident and how that made Catelynn feel.  Good going, Drew.  I mean, certainly don’t use any of your time with them to talk about where the F Brandon and Teresa are and how crazy it was that Kim (I love that sick son-of-a-b*tch) called them to invite iCarly to their graduation.  Stalker!  Yeah, no, let’s talk about “da club.”  I mean, it wasn’t even a real club.  It was like a Bickfords with a disco ball and some rust dumpster playing his iTunes through elevator speakers.  Kill yourself.  However, kill me first.  Or second.  I’m not picky.  Just get it done.

Later, Tyler talks about how he loves Catelynn (puke) but sometimes has feelings about the possibility of dating other girls.  Really?  No sh*t.  You’re 12.  Life expectancy is, like, at 90 now.  You could diddle your way to freedom and then swing back and pick up Catelynn when you’re 40 and still be married for 50 years.  I’m kidding.  Butch will kill you in a botched cracked out robbery by the time you’re 22.  Please defer your student loan payments.  Trust me.  In fact, put them in iCarly’s name so she’ll remember you every month when she’s making payments.  Teresa will love that.

We are, however, in for quite the treat because we have a special guest appearance from none other than April!  When I saw her I immediately stood up, kissed her on the lips via my television, and then briskly scurried to the walk in clinic to make sure I didn’t catch anything.  The only thing that would make April’s scenes better is if this was in 3D.  I want to see that damn forehead coming at me from every direction.  I’ll sit here with a fly swatter for protection if need be.  April, of course, looks like quite the dish in her gray stretch pants, brown suede cowboy boots (via In Living Color Fly Girls circa 1991), and tank top that really make her breasts say, “Hello.  I’m filled with Twisted Tea and I’m spectacular!”  Apparently, however, the higher up on April we go the more we see that she has just given up.  She kinda just ran a hair pick through her bangs and then kept brushing the rest of her wet hair with a horse brush until it dried.  She’s a woman that is all forehead and teeth.  A dream, actually.  We learn that Butch went back to the slammer because he violated his no contact order with April and was caught on film.  Booo to that.  These two sex-pots can’t keep their hands off each other.  And, I mean, who can blame them really?  I have a feeling that foreplay for them consists of April opening up Natty Lite’s with her gentlemen greeter and Butch licking his own rat tail in the heat of the moment.  I, for one, just made myself sick with those two thoughts.  Either way, Butch is in jail and April regrets listening to him over her own daughter.  All is forgiven and multiple hugs ensue.  I love how Catelynn is actually the mom and April is the F’d up teen.  I wonder if Catelynn can technically give her up for adoption too.  I’m sure Teresa and Brandon will buy her.  Did you just ask me to buy my baby?

In the end, Tyler cries because he loves his mom so much and Catelynn tries her best to suck in her stomach when the camera is on her but we see it.  We.  See. It.  Remember, food can’t love you back.  God is love, Rev Run.

Ugh.  Of course we would have to end things with Maci.  What a funny way to kick me in the dice bag one last time for the season is officially over.  Now I get a lot of questions on why I don’t make fun of Maci’s horrible skin.  I, too, used to have really bad skin back in the day before I turned into the crapbag that I am today.  Here’s the thing.  I took enough Accutane to make me want to fly a twin propeller plane into a Ferris Wheel at a Six Flags Great Adventure.  The point is, that sh*t works.  I mean I’m sure it sucked the soul of of me, but I had clear skin in about 2 months and it’s stayed that way ever since.  And, as we all know, it’s really what’s on the outside that matters because you can’t judge someone by what’s on the inside because you can’t see it.  That’s how that works.  In closing, get Accutane.

Dr Drew looks like he’s about to pin down Maci and try to give her that second baby that she so desperately wants.  Amber should just give Leah to her.  Two birds with one stone(r).  Maci finally explains that she wants another baby but isn’t going to have one until she’s married one day…or forgets to take her birth control.  Whichever comes first.  She should just have sex in the mouth to play it safe.  I’m surprised Drew isn’t giving pointers about that.  Hey-oh!  Anywhitehaironwhitegirls, Kyle ends up “walking” out on stage with one dead leg.  At first I was like, “Wow!  That albino polar bear stole Gary’s shirt and is doing the robot!  Alright!”  Then I realized it was just Kyle and I was truly let down.  Kyle isn’t a man of many words, but I guess we can’t blame him because it’s impossible to know all the words.  We end up learning that if Kyle were to dump Maci’s ass she would not let him see Bint-Lee because she really doesn’t want to turn her life into an episode of My Two Dads.  I don’t blame her.  But only because I actually don’t care.  It makes things easier for me to process.

Later, Kyle tucks-and-rolls off stage and Ryan comes out with a couple of snorts, a held back yawn, and his eyes bugged out most of the time like he’s Ramona doing Turtle Time.  Ryan is trying to come across as “changed” and “rational” and I think he’s really putting the moves on Dr. Drew because Drew is eating it up.  At one point I thought I heard Drew squeal, kick up his legs, and mutter, “Boop-Oop-A-Doop!”  The whole time you can totally tell that Maci and Ryan still want to get it on, but there’s a giant polar bear in their way.  Luckily, I think polar bears will be extinct soon so maybe they won’t have to worry about Kyle after all.  At one point, even Dr Drew is saying how he really thought that Maci and Ryan would get back together.  They should just try it…and film it.  I mean, I’d be totally fine if they just reenacted scenes from Friends as if they really were Ross and Rachel.   It doesn’t need to be real.  I’m open to a little white-trash role playing.  But, alas, they both say that they’ll never be together but they do love each other…as friends.  Were the Friends really friends?  Now seems like just as good a time as any to ask that question because, well, it’s been in a while since I’ve asked.  I’m not sure if anything else happened with them because I went to take a Shasta McNasty and closed my eyes on the toilet for what seemed like 30 minutes.

In the end, all the Teen Mom’s, Teen Dad’s, and their applicable bastard children are back for 2 minutes of complete BS.  Bint-Lee takes a liking to Farrah.  I’m sure he just wanted to take a peak at the metal in her mouth to see what he’ll be up against in 10 more years.  Sophia (Baby Goo) is making animal noises and keeps looking out from the top of her eyes like she’s possessed by the devil…or just simply trying to scare off Debra who’s probably behind the cameraman spit-shining her trash claw and packing her own suitcase for Florida because you totally know she’s going to be crashing that trip.  Even Leah is getting in on the action by running victory laps around the stage.  Eh, at least she’s exercising.  It’s going to be an uphill battle I’m sure.  iCarly was nowhere to be found, as I’m sure Teresa and Brandon are finalizing their paperwork for the Witness Protection Program.

Well folks, that’s all from the Teen Mom saga.  I won’t be recapping the “unseen moments” as I’ve already missed it and would rather punch myself square in the penile than write about this one more time.  I need a break from Ye Old Teenage Mother as I’m sure they need a break from me.  Feel free, however, to talk about all this crap in the comments section of this here blog.  Good luck getting past my comment blocker…it’s a real wise guy.  Oh, and feel free to spread the word and follow me on Facebook and Twitter.  There are links everywhere for it, in case you haven’t seen them.  Insert sidewards winky face here ______.   Ole!

Teen Mom Reunion: Farrah Pulled The Gotcha Gotcha on Debra. She Will Simply Pay With Her Life.

Woo hoo!  Let’s put these rust dumpsters under the microscope of Dr. Drew Potato Head and his removable hair piece!  I always love how we kick things off with a close up of Dr Drew with his face right in the camera like he’s trying to analyze each and every one of us through the magic of our television-sex-boxes.  I also love how Drew keeps on committing to that whole “t-shirt and a sports coat” trend that keeps never happening.  It’s like Miami Vice every day at Drew’s house.  And someone needs to tell him that Kermit green mixed with Gerber’s green bean medley isn’t a good color combination for anyone unless, of course, you are in fact Kermit the Frog eating Gerber green beans.

We get to quickly touch base with all the “girls” before we break into smaller groups and talk about politics.  Wait, that part doesn’t happen.  What does happen, however, is that each girl get to talk about the feedback they receive from randoms on the street.  Let’s just say thank Santa Christ I’m not one of those randoms on the street or the “feedback” would have consisted or retraining orders and regret.  Catelynn starts talking absolute nonsense about how she talks to girls in the hospital over the phone whilst they’re giving birth so she can convince them to give their bastards up for adoption.  Yeah, Catelynn, yeah I’m sure that doesn’t happen.  She should spend her efforts on talking to little sluts at Claire’s in the mall from getting piercings in their chin and cheeks like they’re auditioning for an endless Avril Lavigne video.  Amber, of course, says that most of her feedback is negative because, well, it is, and Farrah tries to convince everyone that people give her such positive feedback.  Yeah, I’m sure the lady who lives next door to you that took and, most likely, cooked your dog has wonderful things to say.  I mean she also give positive reinforcements to her tea cups and hair rollers too.  So, well, there’s that.  Oh, and Maci thinks that if Bint-Lee uses his “paci” until he’s 17 years old he won’t get his girlfriend pregnant.  Apparently Maci still thinks that sperms shoot from the tongue.  Bricks.

However, we’re officially starting things off with Farrah.  “Horray!” rejoiced the Who’s.  Farrah, who is dressed like Mrs Roper in a floor length caftan and sandals looks less than pleased to be there.  Our little glow worm looks puffy and huffy.  Not much is new, really, with Farrah since the last time we saw her.  She still has a chip on her shoulder and is still rocking that sexy ugly cry all the live-long day.  Dr. Drew wants to know about her big plans on moving to Lauderdale, probably because he wants to put on some board shorts, black shoe polish the hell out of his Potato Head hair, and wrestle with a fragile Farrah on the beach during Spring Break 2012 for an MTV special.   Eh, either that or he really does care, but I think I was closer with my first guess.  He then asks Farrah why she doesn’t have any friends and says that she seems like someone who would have a lot of them.  Uh, clearly he doesn’t watch the show.  My only regret is that he didn’t ask what in the holy hell happened to Margaret Cho from last season.  I’m sure the answer is, “Debra finally saw all the episodes where Cho was talking smack about her, so she killed her and turned her into Moo Goo Guy Pan.”  It’s a half rhetorical question and half a “no really, answer it” kind of question.  Anyworms, Farrah says that she doesn’t have friends because she doesn’t have time for them in her life right now.  Yeah, all that sulking really eats up a lot of hours in the day.

Later, Farrah lets the cat out of the bag when Drew is asking how long Farrah will be away from Sophia whilst at school and Farrah answers “two weeks.”  What is this the Money Pit?  Two weeks?  Two weeks?  Somewhere backstage Debra is literally turning into the Incredible Hulk because she was under the assumption that Baby Goo was living with her for two years.  My ass literally started to sweat when Farrah admits that Debra has no knowledge of her new change in plans.  Full disclosure, after my ass started sweating I immediately started drafting up an exit strategy on how to get the hell out of my apartment in case Debra jumps through my TV and beings to trash claw the sh*t out of me.  After Farrah breaks the news, out comes Debra.  Gulp.  She should have come out in her reflector vest and set of butcher knives, charged the stage, and started yelling to Drew, “Someone better tack on another 120 hours to my community service because I’m going to pin this b*tch down!”  At least that’s what I would have done.  I was surprised, however, how calm Debra remained and how feathered her hair stayed during her segment.  She even said she thought it was a good idea for Farrah to take Sophia for a few weeks to see how it really will be.  I mean, this is her passive aggressive way to say, “You’ll make the wrong choice” but still at least she didn’t swat at her.

In the end, Farrah cries because Debra gave her room away to Sophia, but the good news is that there are 4 other bedrooms in the house that Farrah can stay in any time she wants.  I actually felt bad for Farrah because she said a big part of moving to Florida was to make some friends.  If she just spent a little time on this here blog she’d instantly get hundreds of friends.  I mean, we’d be the type of friends to make fun of her to her face but, still, friends nonetheless!  Underbite FTW!

Next up we have Amber.  It’s shocking to me that no one is trying to kill the two giant spiders that have taken up shop on her eyelashes.  I think she looks spooktacular.  See what I did there?  Dr. Drew and his thigh-high leather boots wants to know if people at home should think that being Amber and pregnant at a young age is glamorous.  Amber basically calls herself white trash (which takes the pressure off of me) and says that no one should want to be like her.  And the country collectively let out a sigh of relief.  Amber also seems to think that if she ends up having to serve her three years in prison it’ll be horrible being away from Leah for that long.  Something tells me deep down inside she’s hoping for a least a year off.  I love how “tot mom” is free to roam the world, but Amber is under the watchful eye of the court.

Is it just me or is Amber kind of spacing out a lot in this reunion special?  Part of me thinks that she’s holding it together and then the other half of me thinks that she’s on an Ecstasy trip and keeps looking up at the lights on the set.  Dr. Drew decides to be a downer and bring up her sister who died from SIDS when Amber was only 4 or 5 and this forces Amber’s face to take on all new shapes.  Some, I’ve never seen before…like the Octagon.   Wait, is that the “stop” sign?  One may never know.  Oh wait, we may know.  We may know.  Anylashesfromsatan, Dr. Drew is kissing Amber’s ass by saying how awesome she is for seeing 16,000 different therapists and not smacking the Taco Bell out of Gary’s ass on the regular.  And…enter Gary.  Gary, who has been basically given his own couch to sit on, is apparently bigger than we’ve ever seen before.  Seriously, it’s not even funny anymore.  We need to stage an Intervention or else Gar Bear is going to be visiting Farrah’s baby daddy in purgatory.  I’m kidding.  They’ll both be in hell for not following the Bible and having sex before marriage.  Sorry dudes, Jesus hates that sh*t.  I mean, in their defense people in Biblical days got married at like 12 because life expectancy was about 30 so “no sex before marriage” really meant “don’t have sex when you’re 11.”  It’s all relative.  If that was today, Amber would have been like an old spinster.  Anycarbskill, Gary is sporting a beautiful blue blouse and shorts.  Yes, shorts.  Because nothing says, “Hey mom! I’m on TV!” quite like seeing knees and hairy tree trunk legs.

Dr. Drew talks a lot to Gareriffic about pushing Amber’s buttons and always saying that he’s going to take Leah away from her and Amber always is a catty little C-word to Gar on the regular.  Drew wants them to stop this immediately because it’s not ok for parents to do this.  Sure, it’s not ok but it sure is entertaining as all get out.  Gary admits that he still loves Amber and when Dr. Drew asks Amber is she still is in love with Gary she, no joke, takes about a 15 minute “looking break” where she just basically looks around and then says she has to see how this will work out before she knows if she loves him.  Something tells me Gary will be eating his feelings tonight in the hotel after the taaaaaaping!  The good news is that they’re all becoming BFF with the CPS and realize that they’re trying to help them and not keep their family apart.  Apart like Gary’s sex-pot Mom’s legs when she’s in heat.  So, you know, Monday-Sunday.  Allegedly.  Phew!  We also learn that Amber’s favorite part about being Leah’s mom is…wait for it…wait for it…..dancing!  Yes!  Jackpot!  They both love to dance and know they’re “sexy-dancing” to anything that the Selena Gomez sings.  Which is the Disney girl who tried to off herself?  Was that Selena Gomez?  Oh wait, or was that Demi Lovato?  They’re actually the same person, right?  Like when Lindsay Lohan played both roles in that terrible remake of The Parent Trap?  Eh, I’m over it.

In the end, Amber’s mom comes out on stage without her puffy vest, but with that same old slur that we’ve all come to love.  I have no idea what she was saying.  All I know is that Dr. Drew basically forced her to talk about the night her baby died and Amber has a breakdown and has to leave the set.  They then flash a “…to be continued” sign across the screen like this is a cliffhanger episode of “Who’s the Boss.”  Hopefully next week Drew asks Amber about her alleged dirt nap she tried to take after this season wrapped.  Until next time….

Teen Mom Recap: So, Dropping Dirty isn’t the Same as Shasta McNasty??

Well good day my good people of IBBB.  As many of you know (those who follow me on Facebook and Twitter) I have been battling what I can only assume is a giant dose of karma with a slam punch of bronchitis, sinus infection, 102 fever, and possible pneumonia.  I, of course, blame Amber and Leah.  Regardless, I’m not feeling overly in a “haha” mood but am pulling myself together to take a trash-claw stab at recapping the final crapisode of Teen Mom.  I figure I’m on enough medication to silence the Tasmanian Devil (i.e., Milania) so this will either go over funny because I’m drugged out and haven’t eaten in 5 days or really mean.  Either way….ole!

Farrah – I’ll miss you most of all, Ms. Gulch.  Farrah kicks the piss out of things right off the bat by saying, “Shut the hell up, Michael!” when he simply says “Hi Farrah!”  For those of you reading this where English (or Ingrish) is not your native language, “Shut the hell up” is slang for “Good morning, friend.  Tis nice weather we’re having!”  I really think people should bring back ’tis.  ImBringingTisBack.com.  Our brace face glow worm is all bent out of shape because it’s Baby Goop’s 2nd birthday and she doesn’t want to ruin the surprise she’s bringing in which I’m pretty sure is a pink high-heel pinata without candy in it.  Kids love that.  Also, is it just me or has their house been decorated for Christmas all season?  I feel like I’ve seen that randomly large toy solider hiding behind the front door in almost every episode.  Eh, makes sense in Whoville, I guess.

Farrah basically bought a stale cookie cake from Mrs Fields in the food court of the Trash Claw Pine Mall and then is trying to write something on it.  It looks like Michael went to town on it..if ya know what I mean…and I think ya do.  Debra, without batting an eye is waiting in the wings to give little digs at the way Farrah is trying to decorate the cake.  I mean, she only has her associates degree in (insert robot voice) Culinary Arts Management.  Beep. Bop. Beep.  She shouldn’t even get to “cake writing” classes until she captures her dreamy bachelors degree and then LOOK OUT San Jose!

Sophia’s birthday party is the saddest party ever.  No one is there.  I’m shocked none of Farrah’s endless friends aren’t there.  I suspect Debra murdered them all in cold blood over the years for spilling soda on the carpet and smiling too much.  During “the party”  the gang decides to recap for us what it was like when Farrah gave birth to Sophia.  Of course she’s being a b*tch about it and saying everyone knows it hurts but they left out the part (from her 16 & Pregnant episode) where she was apologizing to the nurses for having to look at her vagina.  That literally popped into my head and I was like, “She was nuts all the way back then.”  Well not nuts, technically. Mainly vag.  Debra throws Michael under the bus for not even being there and he sasses her right back.  For some inexplicable reason Debra and Sophia start screaming, followed by Farrah doing her ugly cry (+3 points) and then Debra gives us her best cry yet.  It was that “high pitched talk cry.”  You know the one.  It started to almost turn into an opera, but settled around the level of where my overweight nun in first grade would start singing.  Debra was just missing the pitch pipe.  Toot!

Am I still conscious?  How many days have I lost?  I have a blog?  Oh, hi.  Anymeds, because this whole story-line is bat sh*t crazy, Farrah is bringing Sophia to some random empty bar to see some random friend that she hasn’t seen in years because…wait for it…she wants to ask her what she thinks of basically letting Debra buy Sophia from her. (You want to buy my baby?)  She should see if Baby Goop can just work at that bar (and live there, under the stairs) while Farrahs is learning to cut carrots in glamorous “Lauderdale.”

It’s time for Sophia to learn if she’s being given up for adoption via her Magnadoodle!  Hooray!  Farrah is listing out to Sophia her pros and cons for leaving her behind.  I’m sorry so this actually isn’t a joke?  I honestly am horrified.  Farrah thinks she can’t afford proper daycare for Sophia but she had money for boobs and braces?  Seriously, you make decent money from Teen Mom and your magazine covers.  2 covers alone would pay off daycare for the year.  Horrific.  Horrific: meaning: Actions a whore might take whilst in a worm-like state.

In the end, Farrah ends up telling Debra that she can keep Baby Goop for 2 years because she’s Audi 5000 (I think they still say that in Lauderdale).  So that means that there’s only one thing left to do.  And that is, of course, to take Sophia on one last “Daddy Death Tour” so she can “see” all the places that her mommy and deaddy (typo, but I’m clearly keeping it) spent time together and knocked robotic bodies together.  Can you even picture it?  “Shut the hell up and put it in.  Are you done?  Good take it out.” I actually feel bad for Farrah because I think she’s clinically depressed and I hope she gets on the meds because I’m sure it will balance her out and she won’t be so angry about everything.  One day our little glow worm will turn into a beautiful butterfly because that, my friends, is what I imagine glow worms to do.

Amber – There’s an ice storm in east bum and that means the courts are closed down so we have to wait an extra day to find out if the no contact order is being removed when everything melts away.  They should just have Gary’s sex-pot of a MILF lay down on the open road spread eagle because she is likely instantly melt the ice.  I’m not sure why they couldn’t just hold court at Gary’s ski chalet.  He could serve the judge that cheap ass Swiss Miss that tastes like hot coke.  Gary, clearly, wasted his best Affliction shirt on a non-court day.  I’m sure he’ll be Febreezing the pits in the morning and slapping it back on.  Meanwhile Amber has some random friend that we’ve never seen before come over and start asking her questions relating to if she thinks Leah will learn her abusive behavior.  She was just missing the z-snap.  Besides, do you even need to ask that when we’ve already seen Leah’s mean left hook?  Amber has said that through therapy she now realizes that she can’t “bitchslap people 24/7″ anymore.  Well of course you can’t!  I mean, with eating and sleeping you can probably only bitchslap for 14 hours max!  Also, why does Amber think it looks good that she has birds sitting on her eyelashes?  Plus, she should have been sitting there with her stomach out so we could see the tattoo.  Come on, it’s the last show!  I’m left feeling disappointed and unattended.

Speaking of random friends, Gary’s “friend” is over again to chat with him about all things that are bothering Gar Bear.  Gary, who’s dressed like the apple in the Fruit of the Loom commercials is literally jammed into his puffy leather recliner.  He also looks different and that’s when I realized he shaved his beard but, sadly, he is now missing any differentiation between his neck and chin.  He needs an equator.  Anychins, his “friend” tells Gary that to get Amber back he should…dear Jesus…he should…is it the meds I’m on…he should write her a song (puke) and sing it for her (Shasta on my living room floor).  I’m sorry is this White Trash Justin Bobby for real?  I actually kinda hope so because hearing Gary sing will soothe my soul and simmer my fever.

It’s finally the actual court date.   Oooh la la, jeans for court?  Everyone is overly fancy for this occasion and you can tell they’re taking it serious.  Bleach stain wash outs totally depict, “We won’t hit.”  It’s like they think they’re going to the Presidential Inauguration.  The long and short of it is (and I never know what that term means) is that the no contact order has been “revised” and what that means is that Gary and Amber can go on dates, but can’t be together in front of Leah.  Makes sense.  Great, this is likely to lead to Leah getting a key to the chalet and having to babysit herself and cook Playdoh hotdogs for her dinner.  Also, what the hell language does Amber’s mom speak?  All I hear is dueling banjos every time she opens her mouth.  It makes me want to hoe-down right here in my death bed.

Later, Gar is almost ready to win Amber back and we get to witness it by watching him sing (with a miraculously sprouting beard) with his guitar…to The Grinch who is laying on the puffy leather couch.  Now I’m presently sick, but I was really seeing that right?  Imagine if none of that really happened?  Oh God I could be in hell right now and I don’t even know it?!  Anyway, if this did happen I’d like to comment on the fact that Gary’s beard looks like a chin strap.  Like, he’s in the school band.  Meanwhile, over at Amber’s House of Lashes and Clown Makeup, Leah has painted a proper Hitler mustache on her face with Amber’s “expensive” makeup (from Big Lots).  Amber starts yelling at her for taking her makeup and Leah looks at her like, “B*tch, you lay one hand on me and I’ll ice-skate right down to the court house and tell them what you did.”  This “tense moment” was interrupted by Gary calling Amber and…wait for it…sing his song to her that he wrote whilst on speaker phone.  Amber looks visibly embarrassed and I have swallowed all of my pills and yelled out, “I’m comin’ for you Ambuuuuh!”  Also, I have no clue why Gary is singing with a legit British accent.  He’s like the opposite Madonna from song to speech.  He’s like the WT version of Milli Vanilli which, in his case, he’d be “Hillbilly Where’s My Willie.”

In the end, Amber and Gary fight it out over the phone just like old times because Gary is “a man alone with his song” and wants Amber back but she thinks it’s not the best idea right now and that someone needs to be the adult.  I agree.  I also agree that someone should be Leah.  Because I’m pretty sure that “adults” know that bedazzling your fake nails with diamonds is not overly adult-like.  Also, take a sandblaster to that face. Oh, and the best part for me was when Amber called Gary back after he hung up on her and we see that Gary has, not only, programmed Amber in his phone as “Plain Old Amber” but her picture is of her…in lingerie…on the puffy leather/suede combo couch.  Thank you Jesus you are free to take me now! I wish these two the best.  See you in the obituaries!

Catelynn – I love how every time they show a quick clip of Butch he’s always just aimlessly crossing the street, carrying a plastic shopping bag, and just looking around.  Brilliant.  Butch calls up Tyler to ask if he can live with him for, you know, 3 months or so.  Tyler and Catelynn end up coming up with this list of “rules” that looks like it was written by a 4 year old learning to write for the first time.  It has real gems on it like “no drugs” and “nothing illegal” in the house at all.  Yeah you definitely don’t want iCarly to have to live like that.  Oh, wait.  Butch is also going to have to “respect their house like it was his own.”  Now that just sends a mixed message because do they want him to turn it into a crack-sex-den or not?  I mean, be specific in your demands kids.

Later Butch comes on over to Tyler and Cate’s house wearing chili-pepper pajamas, a rat tail, and a dream.  I just love when Butch is around.  Everything just seems…better.  When it’s time to read him their list of rules he puts on his glasses and says, “let me get my sexy specs.”  And I squeal with delight.  Moreover I’m laughing because I think the real joke is that Butch is pretending he can read.  I was waiting for him to look over the rules list and then just say, “Yeah, milk & eggs, I get it.”  However, Butch agrees to the rules being read to him and Catelynn rewards him by placing her large white flower (not meant as a sex joke) on his ear.  It looks better on him anyway.

It also wouldn’t be a great Butch episode if he wasn’t doing something that would gross me out.  Insert the scene where he’s pouring hot sauce into what I can only assume is a can of Red Bull.  It’ll give you wings alright.  Wings outta your arse!  A typical fight breaks out because Butch wants to know what iCarly is going to call him at graduation.  One person replies “Butch,” one person replies “Darl” and nobody replied with “Snarlin’ Darlin.’”  These tots are so rude.  Also WTF is everyone talking about?!  They’re legit arguing over iCarly and I find myself trying to yell, “Move on!  You. Gave. Your. Baby. Up. For. Adoption!”  Seriously, iCarly should get a sex-change and move to Tajikistan and become a professional puppeteer or something.  Seriously, run.  More importantly, what’s up with Cate’s nails?  Or all their nails for that matter?  They all look like thick fake Barbie nails that 4 yr olds use to play whore dress up with.  All terrible.  And Maci’s always look like they’re about to twist off.

Later, Cate and Tyler end up talking about maybe “uninviting” iCarly to their graduation because of Butch and April.  Uh, save your paper because she wasn’t going anyway!!  Teresa and Brandon are freaked the F out.  Trust me, they’re watching this too!  They’re all upset because they thought iCarly would be clapping for them as they walked across the ghetto stage.  Yeah, more like looking at the crowd and then self-injecting herself with multiple tetanus shots.  I’m sure even if they mail that letter to Brandon and Teresa they’ll never receive it as they are half way to Mars right now, taking their chances on life off of this planet.  I don’t blame them.

In the end, we all receive the horrible news after Butch never came home last night.  Apparently he was arrested and sent back to prison.  We find out when April comes busting through the door saying “knock knock” to which little Nick keeps yelling back “who’s there?  who’s there?”  Of course for them the answer is always, “the police!” followed by all the adults in the house rushing to the bathroom to immediately flush their drugs.  Anyway, April just gets in Tyler’s face and says, “Your dad went to prison, dude.”  Awesome.  Then Tyler says, “was he dropping dirty?”  I’m sorry what, Ice Ice Baby?  What in the holy hell is “dropping dirty?”  At first I assumed it meant he was caught taking a Shasta McNasty in the middle of a busy intersection…so then I had to Google it.  Apparently, I’m old.  Also, it evidently means that he “failed a drug test.”  Eh, I like my definition way better.  April is ripped to shreds and I actually feel bad.  I mean not really, but a little.  Poor April can’t catch a break.  Little nick starts crying and that’s when I finally realized that he’s the more “Hee-Haw” version of Bint-Lee.  I mean, he’ll also be arrested by the time he’s 7.  They leave us all on a devastating note with everyone crying.  Well that sucks.  Although I’m pretty sure I did see April holding a beer (!!!) so there’s hope for us next season hopefully!

Maci – Maci, you make my medication stop working.  Get a clue, bricks.

Well folks that concludes another season of Teen Mom!  Thanks for sticking with me all this time.  Continue to spread the word, visit me again, and help me to sell out.

Teen Mom Recap: This Show Lit a Candle in My Heart

Farrah – For those of you playing along at home, please stamp your Teen Mom BINGO card because, yes, we have found a Barney stuffed animal right off the bat.  I’m pretty sure Sophia thinks Barney is her dad.  Too soon?  Per usual, Debra is having a hard time with even the thought of Farrah randomly moving to Florida because she says she can’t image her life without her daughter and her Baby Goop.  More like she can’t figure out who to try and knife instead.  I mean, after this many years Michael must be able to “dodge and weave” with the best of them and, well, Debra is getting a little too old to chase someone through the house.  Eh, maybe she’ll go to the next door neighbors house and just machete Sophia’s old dog to death.

I finally understand why MTV needed to make this a “special 90 minute episode.”  It all makes sense now.  Evidently they needed more time because Farrah has a huge announcement to make.  I hope you guys are sitting down.  If you’re at work, maybe just get on the ground in case you fall out of your chairs.  Farrah. Is. Getting. Braces.  I know.  I can’t believe it either.  Oh wait, she’s just getting braces?  Well F me!  For reasons not known to anyone, Farrah tells Sophia that when she grows up she’s going to need a mouth full of metal, but in the meantime she decides that she wants to get them first.  Mommy gets store bought new boobs and non-jacked-up teeth before Baby Goo gets love.  And that’s an order!  To make things even more awkward, it’s Michael’s birthday (he wishes he died 17 years ago) and Farrah has decided to make this announcement at his birthday dinner.  No joke, she’s legit announcing it.  “Mom, Michael, camera crew, distinguished faculty…I’m getting braces.”  Any chance they can put metal on Farrah’s brain and see if they can straighten out that mess?  And, not for nothing, but how much does it cost for lasers to zap away that perma-neck-hickey?  I’m sure if you dip the trash claw in rubbing alcohol it can just scratch at it for days until it comes off.  Anybiopsyit, the best part was that she explains that she’s not getting metal braces, and she’s not getting Invisiline, but “Invisible Braces” instead.  Yes!  Are Invisible Braces kinda sorta like the Invisible Love that this crack box family shows each other on the regular?  Regardless, Farrah suspects that better teeth will help her get more modeling jobs.  Uh, like more hair modeling jobs?  I’m just psyched that these braces, when the moonlight shines, will make our little Glow Work glitter, glitter even more!  This is, quite possibly, the best day of my life!

Later, at dinner Debra tries to be all cute and dumb by letting Farrah know that one day she wants to learn how to make french fries and Farrah tells her it’s the easiest thing in the world to do.  Really?  Is it easier than putting on a condom?  Doubtful.  Farrah, instead, decides to hijack the conversation and let her “family” know that she’s set up an appointment with Dina the counselor so they can all stop being F’n crazy and she also tells them that if she gets into her Floridian Clown College, she’s definitely moving there.  Ruh-roh.  Debra is seeing red.  Someone dust off her protective reflector vest because someone is about to get a new batch of community service to legally partake in!  Personally, I think it’s going to be difficult for Farrah to move all the way to Florida once Debra brutally murders her, cuts her up into little pieces, and then stuffs her into various Barney stuffed animals scattered throughout their house.

Well, folks, Farrah finally gets into her special school in Florida and tells Sophia that they’re definitely moving there.  Not so fast Sophia.  You may be living with that neighbor who took your dog.  Hope you like zinc-pink lipstick and puppets staring at you in the middle of the night!  However, they can all discuss the state of Florida in their counseling session because it’s about to go down.  Dina the counselor and her Kate Gosselin hair looks pissed right off the bat.  You can tell because the back of her hair spikes up more.  That hairstyle is hot never.  After the family explains why they have issues with Farrah and Baby Goop moving to Florida, Dina sassily says to Debra, “You’re asking her to leave her daughter?”  Yeah, way to be non-judgmental.  Debra seems to think it’s not big deal at all for Farrah to move to Florida and leave Sophia with them because they have things like Skype and airplanes.  Oh!  Wait!  I wasn’t aware there was Skype and airplanes!  Well that solves everything!  After being scolded by Gosselin, Debra starts to do that high-pitched-talking-cry that only Sophia’s old dead dog can hear, followed by Farrah giving us a little of her Ugly Cry over the fact that she’s depressed when she’s living in Debra’s dungeon.  Please, I’d love it.  Every day would be like a dream in Whoville.

However, not everything needs to be doom and gloom because right after counseling Farrah got her braces on and she couldn’t be more excited about it.  Also, someone needs to teach Farrah what words mean, like “invisible” because, uh, I can see her braces and, well, they look exactly like the ones Marsha Brady had circa 1975.  I mean, April and Butch’s drinking problems are more invisible than this!  Debra gives Farrah a little jab (without a butcher knife) by saying that her braces change the shape of her face and so she’ll probably be a little self-conscious of that.  Farrah claims that she “won’t smile as much.”  So, um, same/same?  Later, Debra starts talking smack to Michael and, later, Farrah, about Dina and her basically being a big b*tch.  Whoa Debra!  Say it to her face.  And then slash-attack it!

The remaining moments of Farrah’s scenes actually blows my mind.  She is actually seriously considering Debra’s offer of leaving Sophia with them while Farrah goes to live in Florida.  That is insanity to me.  She even calls her sister to ask her opinion on what she should do and if she thinks it’s ok.  You could tell her sister was trying to figure out if their phone conversation was being filmed because she sounded like she wanted to tell Farrah that she was a crazy worm.  I don’t understand any of this?  Sophia is almost 2 years old!  How is she just basically going to give her up for adoption while she goes to Florida to finish school.  Even if she’s pretending to think about this for her storyline I think it would be better that she fake a drug problem.  To even say you’re considering leaving your baby behind is complete insanity to me.  She must be watching Catelynn and Tyler’s “glamorous” lifestyle and is a bit jealous.  I mean, first the braces and now this?  She’s definitely lost some glitter, glitter, in my eyes.  F. U Gulch!

Amber – Our pal, Ambjikistan, has really turned over a new leaf after serving 24 hours in the slammer.  I’m not sure why she’s making that such a big deal because I’m pretty sure at one point she “went missing” for 24 hours and was later discovered under Gary’s stomach gasping for air and munching on chicken-soft-tacos.  Amber informs her friend over the phone (aka the time and temperature lady) that she broke up with Clinton, is spending more time with Leah, and how CPS is basically saying that Amber is doing awesome as a mom.  She then tells the time and temperature lady that even though it was only 24 hours in jail, it was the worst 24 hours of her life.  She says she was basically dropped in the drunk-tank with 6 other girls and forced to sit on the concrete floor with only one blanket.  Wait.  One blanket?  Well that’s one more blanket than she currently has on her own bed at home so basically she traded up by going to jail.  More importantly, I’m not sure what’s up with Amber’s pink and black claws and eyelashes but if she thinks Marilyn Monroe was a $2 dollar prostitute, she’s off by about $8 more dollars.

Just in the nick of time, Gary’s mom comes over to Amber’s house of horror to spread a little sunshine into my life.  The doorbell rings and Leah just goes running over to it desperately trying to turn the doorknob and yelling “come in” regardless of who’s on the other side.  That’s a cry for help.  She’s basically like, “Kidnappers?  Come and take me away, please!  I’ll leave my princess sh*t behind, just go go go!”  However, it wasn’t a kidnapper (drat!) but Gary’s sex-pot mother wearing…wait for it….wait for it…overalls.  I mean take down those “dungaree straps” and let your double F’s fly in the breeze.  Why she’s dressed like Dorothy’s father from The Wizard of Oz is beyond me, but those pesky “poors” are tricky!  Amber tells Gary’s mom that the thought of going to jail doesn’t scare her at all…and then in the next breath she says it does scare her because she can’t imagine being without her daughter for that long.  Uh, didn’t she just start seeing Leah for the first time in like a month while she was busy “decorating” her house?  Also, I don’t care.

Amber’s mom later comes over to watch Leah for her while Amber runs all her normal errands like going to see her psychiatrist and the like.  At first I was pissed that none of the therapy scenes were shown, but was relieved when we got to sit in on an awkward date between Gary and his friend…some dude we’ve never seen before that didn’t look poor so I wasn’t really sure what he was doing there.  Gary is telling his “friend” how lonely he is (aka is having a tough time lifting his stomach with one hand and using his other hand to give himself seconds of pleasure) without Amber and his “friend” tells him that he’s there for him so he never has to feel alone.  His “friend” then jokes that it’s like they’re on a date (aka a lady never pays) and how they should light the candle on the table, to which Gary replies, “well you lit a candle right here in my heart.”  Dear Jesus make this stop.  Had they not had a “no contact” order Gary would have swiped Amber’s fake eyelashes and then started batting them at his gentlemen caller sitting across from him.  Puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, I’m lovin’ it!

Krystle Meth comes over with her kid that I’ve never seen before and I’m even more confused on why it looks like Krystle Meth has gained a sh*t ton of weight from the last time we’ve seen her and, apparently, morphed into a white trash Adele right before our very eyes.  Suddenly Amber’s mom comes home with Leah and her trademark white sweatshirt and Leah just stands there and pukes all over herself and all over the place.  Krystle shouts out, “Well looks like she just had corn!”  Well Yeeee Haw!  That’s like finding candy in the pinata for “the poors.”  Had it been Gar Bear that puked we would have found an entire cob still in tact.

The next day Amber is a little tired because Leah was up all night puking and crapping on Amber…kinda like Amber and Gary have been doing to our eyes and brains for 2 years.  That’s called karma, kids!  Amber and Gary have a police escort to court/CPS  because they’re not allowed to be near each other.  I’m sure the tax payers of Crack-a-lackee Where Ever, USA are psyched that that’s where their money is going towards.  Gary decides that he’ll take Leah to the doctors “later” but in the meantime she’s going to some trash box babysitter.  That’s nice.  The good news is that  CPS decided that Amber still has custody of Leah, but will be watching her and Gary for the next few months…as we will, as we will.  Oh, and Gary did end up taking Leah to the doctor.  She has strep throat, a fever, and two ear infections.  Awesome.  You totally know Leah was licking other kids toys and all the doorknobs she could to try to get sick and dirt nap it out to get away from her parents.  Nice attempt, but your plan is foiled because the medicine will get you back to normal before you know it!

In the end, Krystle Meth comes back over to Amber’s house with cupcake supplies from some gross store.  Amber claims her throat hurts and she feels like she’s going to puke, but she’s mustering up enough energy to make and eat the cupcakes with Krystle Meth.  And why do all the cupcake supplies have bright orange price-tag stickers on them that makes me feel like she bought them in a metal bin with a sign that says, “Expired Yesterday, So, Sale!”  Personally, my favorite part was when Amber was explaining to Krystle Meth how in “court” Gary was sitting one seat away from her, but they weren’t allowed to look at each other, say hello, goodbye, or speak out loud to each other.  Really?  I love court!  Thank you, court!  All of “The America” thanks you!

Catelynn – Well folks, the other shoe has officially dropped.  You see, Teresa and Brandon have sent Catelynn and Tyler an email that pretty much was like “peace out rust dumpsters” because they’re more than likely not going to let iCarly attend their graduation.  Eh, she can watch it on TV like the rest of us.  More importantly, Catelynn is reading this email to Tyler on her iPad.  I’ll repeat that.  On her iPad.  iPad.  Wasn’t she freaked out about getting a job to pay her $60 phone bill, but an iPad she can easily afford?  Neat.  And you know April has no clue what an iPad is.  Although something tells me she is currently pulling out her box of Maxi Pads and trying to type on them just to show Catelynn up.  After Cate reads the email she can Tyler talk about the difference between being the parents vs. being the birth parents.  Um, the main difference is that you gave you baby up for adoption so you are no longer parents and need to leave that poor family alone.  Focus all your attention on Butch for Christ sakes!

Catelynn has officially finished high-school after 6 years and Monte is going try to diddle his way to freedom one last time.  He asks Catelynn if she has a minute after class to talk and then gives her a big hug.  Inappropriate!  I’m kidding.  I’m sure at her school that was just the final exam.  If she takes out her retainer and uses her mouth that’s extra credit.  Now was that crossing some sort of line?  Because in my mind I don’t think so, but then sometimes I wonder what you, the people, experience internally when you read this.  We learn that April never graduated from high school (spin-off!) and had Cate when she was only 19 (practically a woman by then), but that through all this Catelynn decided that she wants to be a pre-school teacher.  I mean, she didn’t specify that she wants to be Carly’s pre-school teacher, then first trade teacher, then second grade teacher, and then eventually her mother…but you know she was thinking it.  Anyway, good old Monte.  I can’t wait until he’s busted for kiddie porn on his Apple IIc.

My life becomes complete when suddenly April, Kim, Maryland, the chick with the square hair, and Tyler in a teal windbreaker are all in the same room at the same time for a little celebration for Catelynn making it out of school alive and without a baby (technically speaking).  This was a Poors Jackpot for me!  Sadly, Butch wasn’t there and April peaced out within seconds but at least I got to see them all.  I only wished they had taken a group photo like they were the Rockford Peaches.  Eh, I’m keeping it.  Anypizzaforthepoors, some kid who looks like a mole is asking Tyler if he can ever picture himself with another girl and he immediately (immediately) says yes and then kind of looks at the camera and it like, “but not really.”  Busted.  Also, busted is the fact that Tyler has about 10 different hair lengths throughout this episode.  Sometimes it’s almost shaved to the scalp and other times it’s in half-a-pauly-d mode.  I mean, I don’t really care but it’s fine to find these things.  It’s like a nice learning game to keep my mind sharp whilst it’s rotting.

Since Catelynn must have received her MTV check, she’s decided to take Tyler to a romantic bed and breakfast.  She’s online (on her iPad of course…showoff) looking at some place called something like Holly Berry Bed and Breakfast.  Sounds like I’d rather experience a nuclear holocaust, but this place seems right up Catelynn’s alley.  She calls Holly Berry to find out what their most expensive room is and I’m impressed.  Followed by the lady who works there responding by saying, “Are you talking about the jet tub room?”  And suddenly I realize this place is going to be more like one of those motels on on the side of the highway that you rent by the hour and has a sign half lit up outside bragging about their “Free HBO!”  They should shave their privates before they go because things are going to try to attach down there.  You know it, I know it, and the lady on the phone knows it.  Regardless, Catelynn settled for the “Sunshine Room.”  I’m sure that’s code for “There was a sale on yellow paint, so we did the whole room in it.”

Meanwhile, Tyler heads off to his moms house to sit on her puffy leather couches and talk about all of Catelynn’s insecurities.  I know I say it week after week but I F’n love Kim with all of my heart.  All of it.  I mean, there’s not much left of it, but still.  I couldn’t love her any more than I do.  When they’re talking about Cate’s insecurities, Kim just blurts out, “I got big insecurities…major!’ and my heart breaks.  I love Kim just the way she is and wants her to never feel insecure about herself. Ever.  I mean, she curls her bangs.  Hot.  She wears shoulder pads.  Hot.  She has and endless supply of turtlenecks.  Hot.  Her eyes bug out on the regular.  Hot!  Don’t change a God-damn thing.  I just want to play Jenga with Kim and hug her.  That is all.

Finally Catelynn ends up surprising Tyler with this Bed and Breakfast ski trip that comes with private ski lessons.  Private. Ski. Lessons.  Giving up your kid rules!  Look at all the money you end up getting and all the fun stuff you get to do!  Awesome!  In typical “poors” fashion they’ll be skiing in their jeans.  Yep.  That won’t suck the first time they fall.  It’s like they fall once and die from hypothermia in under 6 minutes.  Well planned.   Later they’re trying to have a romantic conversation on the side of the mountain about life and Tyler says that it’s fun to do stuff like this because a “routine isn’t a life…it’s a routine.”  Oh snap!  Sounds like someone has been stealing Butch’s one-liners!  Catelynn takes a jab at Tyler by calling him Mr Vocabulary and this truly makes me wonder how she made it out of Monte’s class and into free society.  She tries to recover by calling Tyler, “Mr Heart-Felt Sayings.”  Gross and vomit all at the same time.  I’m not sure how “heart-felt” he is since he basically called Catelynn a fat-ass whilst talking to his mom the day before.  But, why the hell am I getting involved.  Although, if Catelynn wants to get a toothbrush and “get in shape” I’d support her.

In the end, the Bed and Breakfast (in which Catelynn called a “Bread and Breakfast”) looks like a sh*t hole and the attic of all of our dead nana’s homes.  At least we spotted the “jet tub” and, well, it looks gross.  Personally I think that train that keeps on going by adds a nice touch to the romantic weekend.   If only it would take a sharp left turn, crash through my television, and kill me…that would be fine.  “Bread and Breakfast.”  Hmmph. Flash cards, Catelynn, flash cards!

Maci – I’m angry.  When it comes time to recap Maci’s scenes I want to close my laptop, repeatedly, on my ding-a-ling until I see black and pass out.  Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible (like getting oral pleasure from Maci on a bad break-out day).  Maci’s little snitch of a friend calls her to tell her that Ryan was spotted out at night when he was supposed to be watching Bint-Lee.  Little snitches go to hell, b*tch, so keep your mouth shut and legs closed, trash heap.  Meanwhile over at Ryan’s he’s getting Bint-Lee ready for bed at…wait for it…10:00pm.  10?  If Teen Mom wasn’t on I’d be sleeping about 1 hour before 10 and I’m 21!  Also, yawn.

We learn that Maci is back on track with school because Kyle kicks her out of the house on days when she has class.  I’m sure he could just use the peace and quiet.  Plus, he probably needs to set up his 17 different buckets of protein powder he apparently has scattered around the house.  Maci’s mom is talking about Maci’s issues with Ryan and ends up giving her typical jab to Maci by saying, “you should have thought of that before having his baby.”  Then suddenly a cartoon condom falls on Maci’s face in her scrapbook photo.  MTV is fun!

Nothing else great happens with these rust dumpsters except that Maci asks Bint-Lee who takes care of him and he answers “Mimi” which is code for Ryan’s mom.  She ends up confronting Ryan in his truck about him going out at night and he denies it, but just keeps saying, “Go ‘head, make me look stupid.  Make me look stupid.”  Come on!  Give her a real challenge.  Also, stop snorting and spitting every 10 seconds.  You sound like April on a binge.  And you know what kind I’m talking about.  After their fight at the truck, we learn that Bint-Lee was in the back the whole time.  Yup, he was sitting in his car seat right next to another empty car seat.  I mean, how many kids does this guy have?  Imagine if he had Sophia?  That would be an awesome twist.  In fact, he should get all the kids.  Lean and Carly included!

In the end (thank God) Maci and Kyle go out for a “nice dinner” and she asks Kyle if he’s happy he moved in with her and then asks him what’s next so that she can stop waiting.  Relax Maci…you’re like 12.   You can get married when you fully get through puberty.  Blonk!

Episode Rating:  2 Puffy Leather Couches and 1 Ugly Crying Farrah

Teen Mom Recap: Amber Becomes a Woman in Jail

Farrah – It’s been about 3 minutes since our little Glow Worm with a new rack has made the friendly skies unfriendly so it only makes sense that Farrah is talking to Debra and filling us all in that she wants to travel to Florida to check out some below average school that takes worms and look into some apartments that double as crack dens so that Sophia has increased chances of one day becoming a Madam.  Dream big, baby Goo, because these episodes will most likely be the highlight of your life.  It was odd because Debra seemed very supportive of Farrah checking out Florida, at first, but then she suddenly used her rusty trash claw to throw Farrah a curve ball by suggesting she she “keep” Sophia while Farrah goes to school in Florida.  Apparently the angle she’s going for has to do with it being cheaper for Farrah to fly back and forth to see Sophia than it will be to hire some “nanny kind of person.”  Oh Debra, you are the trickiest Who anyone has seen in Whoville since the Grinch dressed up as Santa and stole all of Cindy-Lou Who’s trickets,  drinkets, and wallygongs!  All of this, of course, makes Farrah immediately snap into the traditional Ugly Cry, but this time she tries to talk through the Ugly Cry in which it sounds like she says that if she stays it’s because Debra suffocates her and she never wants to go out…and have unprotected sex with people who will eventually die.  Fine, I made that last part up but it would be awesome if she said she just wants to get laid and hasn’t been able to have naughty times in over two years.  Seriously, that’s what I think everyone’s problem is in that family.  They all need to do the sex and start drinking more.  The More You Know.

Per usual, as Farrah is packing up her crap for her 15th trip of the season she decides to start yelling at Michael.  She’s good like that.  Michael comes over in his pajamas (pervert) and walks in with a stuffed animal for baby goop. Without batting an eye, Farrah in her typical robotic monotone voice just spews out, “Hi Michael, thanks for knocking.”  At first I thought she was thanking him for buying her implants, as in “Hi Michael, thanks for knockers!”  but evidently I was incorrect which is weird because that never really happens.  Michael looks like he had to down a couple of Prickly Pear Margaritas before coming over to Farrah’s house of horror, but was missing the ingredients so he just mixed bleach and cheap vodka and was ready for death or a Farrah visit…whichever was planned next and less painful.

Anyquestionablemole, Farrah lets  Michael know that she’s sick of the precious little puppy that she gave to Sophia so she’s ready to stuff it down the garbage disposal or give it to the crack box neighbor next door and Sophia will never even miss it.  That’s sweet.  Luckily the prosecution will have all this footage to use in their case of “The America vs. That Little B*tch Farrah” in 2017.  I’m surprised Farrah is giving the dog away because she showed her motherly instinct by holding the puppy over the trash barrel with one hand and trying to shake the diaper off of it like she was Louise Woodward.  And, not for nothing, but enough with that Knicks t-shirt.  It’s almost starting to turn into Gary’s AERO t-shirt and, well, none of us need that.  Plus, I’m tired of seeing her underdeveloped stick arms dangling out the sleeves.  The only time I’m ok with seeing appendages that small is when I’m playing hangman…which is typically on Friday nights so don’t judge me.  Jerks.

Well it’s finally time for the big trip to Florida!  Farrah drops off Sophia’s Christmas gift at the crazy neighbors house that still appears to be filled with Coke memorabilia, dust bunnies, and pending death.  That chick Jean who has a permagrin on her face just blurts out “I love this dog” when Farrah hands it to her.  I have a feeling Jean has no idea where she actually is and thinks that Farrah just handed her a basket of muffins.  Someone is going to need to explain to baby goop why Jean put the dog in the microwave for 10 seconds and then is smearing butter on him.  Eh, that’s another conversation for another time.  At least the whole time Farrah just left Sophia in the car (UNATTENDED!) during her whole visit with Jean.  That’s safe.  Later, they finally arrive at Ft Lauderdale because, at the end of the day, Farrah is totally 80’s Spring Break when you really think about it so Lauderdale is fitting.  My personal favorite was how Sophia was just sitting on Farrah’s lap in the back of the cab without a car seat (almost as much as I liked how Bint-Lee just called shotgun and sat in the front seat of the car whilst Maci drove Kyle to the hospital).  Oh that Sophia!  Spring Break party animal!

Farrah ends up checking out some real nice places that look like Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure and, in the end, ends up taking Sophia to the beach while the sun is setting.  Sophia, of course, freaks the F out when her feet touch the sand (like most kids) and is screaming and yelling when Farrah picks her up and brings her closer to the water that has waves that makes Debra’s butcher knife slashing look like a walk in the park.  At one point Sophia legit gives Farrah the side-eye that really says, “B*tch, enough with these trips.  Give me some consistency in my life, will ya?”  Once back at the prostitution brothel, Farrah calls Debra to let her know how awesome everything was and how they “loved” the beach.  The best was how you could hear Debra on the other end saying, “The waves will pull you right down and kill ya!”  And if it’s one thing that Debra knows about, it’s killing.  Or at least attempted killing.  Fine, aggravated assault.

Amber – I’m pissed at the police right now.  I’m pissed because they put Amber (Ambuuuuh!) in jail and, therefore, we barely get to see her all episode.  What a real shame.  What an American shame.  At least we get to hear Amber’s angelic voice via her voice-overs so at least we know she’s alive.  Phew!  We’re stuck with Gary filling us in on everything that is going on with Amber serving her 24 hours in jail by talking to his sexy-beast-of-a-woman mother.  What a dish.  I love how his mom is sticking to her guns and never brushing her hair or using any kind of product in it whatsoever.  I mean, at this point I’d be ok with Leah taking a hot Shasta McNasty on her head and then his mom just rubbing it into some kind of a hair style.  Ugh, the poors.  Never able to own a brush.  I blame Obama.  I’m not sure why, I just do.  Anyknottyhair, Gar Bear is close to tears (in his eyes and the seam of his pants) while telling his MILF that the court has issued a “no contact” order between Amber and him.  He feels like now that they’re at the point where they’re getting along again, the “no contact” order is really making him miss Amber a lot.  Uh oh, someone is craving a beating!  Seriously, if I was his mom I would line up his clothes and his TV at the top of the stairs and then kick them and his fat ass down said steps and then say, “Still miss her?”   At least Leah is taking it well and by “well” I mean secluded in the kitchen and eating a can of Pringles off the floor.   Pick up a dust pan and brush while you’re down there, lazy.

I love how Amber and Gary have the same “no contact” order that Butch and April have with each other.  Young love.  So sweet.  Evidently the court really tries to keep “the poors” away from each other.  See, now that’s where me and the courts differ.  I think you should keep violent “poors” together because it makes for really good television and, well, if someone gets killed in the process then it’s just the cost of doing business for reality television.  You win some you lose some (obviously not in regards to weight).  Gary’s mom leaves Gary with some words of wisdom which is, “Well, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.”  You totally know she read that on the middle of a popsicle stick.  You just know it.

Legit, Amber and Gary are missing from about 35 minutes of this crapisode, but once we finally get to see Amber we’re not let down because we were right there when she was freed from jail. She’s like the Nelson Mandela of our generation.  However, we weren’t the only ones who were there.  You see, the local news crews were there as well.  Amber serving 24 hours is big news for her town because, let’s face it, how many meth lab fires can you keep covering each week?  5?  46?  It gets old.  And you totally know that Amber thinks she’s an A-lister because of this.  It looks like she was even trying to do that Martha Stewart “free from the slammer” walk on her way out.  I’m surprised none of her cellmates knitted her a poncho.  Odd.

Later, Amber finally gets to see Leah after her mom had to pick up Leah at Gary’s ski chalet and bring her back to Amber’s new house of chuckles.  Amber tells her mom that spending a night in jail “sucked.”  Really?  Well it’s not supposed to tickle.  Amber even says that while she knows she only spent 24 hours in jail it felt like “days” and she realized how much she appreciates everything she has in her life.  Uh, self tanner and sexy-dance moves?  I’m lost.  The whole time Amber keeps telling her mom how much she needs her in her life and how she still needs a mother figure to help her out and provide her with some direction.  After Amber’s whole speech, Amber’s mom just basically says “yup” and then they hug.  Amber even admits to wanting to breaking their unhealthy cycle of behavior but I, well, I would actually like the opposite.

Catelynn – I love how we kick things off with Catelynn in school and the fact that Monte is back and is teaching a “nuclear energy” class.  I mean, come on.  I didn’t know Monte had it in him!  Plus, these kids don’t know what nuclear means and they don’t have any energy so it’s basically a waste.  They should have a class on how to bag groceries and how not to put the bread in the same bag as the eggs and tissue box. Oh, and these kids are in high school so there shouldn’t have been the alphabet and numbers as a border around the classroom but, alas, there it was.  Explains so much.

All while Catelynn is in school, so is Tyler.  He’s “big man on campus” at their local community college.  He can’t believe that after 2 hours he’s done for the day and gets to go back to this mobile home and hang out with his friends.  What luck!  He should be visiting Butch in the halfway house just for us, but Tyler is selfish like that.  He ends up looking up online some clubs in his area and at first I thought he meant actual clubs, like the Boy Scouts, but he’s actually talking about “da club.”  Seriously, what?  I don’t peg Tyler for someone who goes to “da club” but apparently this is really happening folks!

Catelynn gets home and we get to learn that mentally she’s kind of a mess because she’s legit crying and freaking out over Tyler wanting to go to “da club” and how she doesn’t want to go to “da club” because she doesn’t look like the rest of the girls who attend “da club.”  No really, she’s freaking out over this.  She’s even throwing it out there that she’s not 115 pounds anymore because she carried a baby for 9-months.  I’m sorry, while I do love Catelynn, she had that baby almost 2 years ago.  She hasn’t been eating for two for quiet a while so there’s no excuse why she can’t drop 20 pounds in 2 years.  I mean, give April a 12 pack of Twisted Tea and a knife and have her chase you up and down the block if you have to.  Hell, call Debra.  She”ll try to kill ya if you need her to.  She’ll chase ya real good!

How they’re still fighting about “da club” is beyond me.  Now Catelynn is crying and saying that it will never work out for them because they’re two totally different people.  So let me get this right, they might break up over “da club?”  I kinda like it.  They’re like the white-trashier version of Ronnie and Sam  from Jersey Shore.  If Tyler says “I’m gonna do me, you do you” and then flips Catelynn’s bed over I’m going to be pleased.  However, they’re smarter than Ronnie and Sam because they’re going to take their fight about “da club” and go to counseling over it.  I’m not joking.  Catelynn actually said that they should see their counselor about this issue.  Is she for real?  This is terrible.  They legit go see the counselor about “da club” and even the counselor (who is in basement) seems less than interested.  Cate keeps talking about how she doesn’t feel pretty like the other girls at “da club” and how she feels overweight but she never mentions once her forehead, which I personally think just adds to the problem.  But I’m not a basement counselor so what the hell do I know?

In the end, after talking about “da club” for an hour it’s finally time to go to “da club.”  This should be good.  I can’t wait to see what “the kids” are wearing to “da club” these days.  Tyler is apparently dressed in Butch’s clothes for an interview and Catelynn decided to dress up like the real life Hello Kitty.  This club must be awesome.  I, of course, immediately suffered from secondhand embarrassment when I was forced to watch Catelynn and Tyler sexy-dancing with each other.  Gross.  Catelynn should turn around so that Tyler isn’t grinding with her ass but her “gentlemen greeter” instead.  This way, it increases the chances of them having unprotected sex and having another baby that they get to keep.   At least Cate had fun at “da club.”  She should drink to loosen up.  That works for me.  I highly recommend it at any age.  They should also send pictures of themselves “clubbing” to iCarly with a message that says, “We get to do this because you’re not here.”

Maci – So we meet again, Maci.  Damn you.  Why can’t there just be 3 teen moms in this series?  Or perhaps let Jenelle and Barb in on the fun.  At least punches get thrown on the regular with those two.  Since Maci apparently makes good decisions, she’s decided to enroll back at Chat State which is either a school or the name of a 1997 AOL chatroom.  A/S/L?  Since Kyle doesn’t work he has more time to race his dirt bike so it only makes sense that he crashed it and broke his knee and now needs surgery.  Don’t they take albino polar bears to the vet?  Or zoo for that matter?  Alas, Maci has to bring Kyle to the hospital for surgery and since they’re already on their way to the hospital it only makes sense that she lets Bint-Lee sit in the front seat the whole ride.  This way, once he goes through the windshield he’ll just land at the emergency room front doors anyway.  My favorite part, however, was when Maci went to get a coffee with her friend during the surgery and her friend wants to know if Kyle’s knee replacements means that he’s getting someone else’s knee.  Why yes, why yes he is.  It was touch and go for a while but finally they found a match on the National Knee Donors list and Kyle will, in fact, live.  Bricks.

Once Kyle is back home Maci needs to take care of Kyle’s “bint-knee” and Bint-Lee all at the same time.  Kyle is so tired, apparently, that he hasn’t been able to shave in days.  Maci might as well let her ladybusiness grow out as well.  Bint-Lee is throwing fit after fit after fit.  He especially throws a fit when Maci needs to use the computer to…wait for it….Google her college’s name to find their website and figure out what assignment is due at 10pm that same night.  Seriously, can’t she just pay me to give her an F?  Hey-oh!  Her assignment work doesn’t last long because Bint-Lee got some Lint-Lee in his eye and so Maci sprays saline directly in it to make him feel better.  She should have yelled, “There’s your future…cloudy with a lot of tears!”  Maci ends up locking herself in the bathroom to get some peace and quiet.  Luckily she allowed the camera man in there with her.  They probably ended that scene with golden showers and just had to edit it out.

Everything else, per usual, is a snooze.  We learn that Ryan is no longer working (again) and gave up his job after what seems like 4 days.  That’s nice.  So he doesn’t work, Kyle doesn’t work, and Maci doesn’t work.  Everyone should drop their custody claims and just lay low before the court puts Bint-Lee in an orphanage.  Anytrash, in the end Maci ends up stopping at the salon to get…wait for it….wait for it…blond extension added to her head for a “new look.”  It is stringy, greasy, and hay like…and I love it!  As Paris Hilton would say when she got those  same exact extensions circa 2002 “loves it” and “that’s hot!”  Kill yourself.  Kill me first though.

Episode Rating:  3 Broken Down Maci’s (Out of 4 Broken Down Maci’s)