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Teen Mom 2 Recap: I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!

Jenelle – Things are going really well for Jenelle ever since she moved out of Barb(ie)’s Dream House.  I, of course, am joking.  Her life is in absolute ruins.  Since she no longer lives with her loving, soothing, calming mother, Barb decides that she wants Jenelle to start paying child support.  Me gusta how they’re like a divorced couple with a baby.  All I know is that the MTV checks must have cleared in the trash dumps bank accounts because everyone seems to have some new clothes!  It must have been the best shopping spree at both DOTS and Fashion Bug.  Barb is dolled up wearing a deep brown v-neck sweater with new turtleneck underneath and a very feminine brown baseball cap on top of her sexy fire-bush-red hair or “pelo” for my Spanish speaking readers.  She basically looks like she’s about a pair of chunky shoes away from a little muff-diving experiment if ya know what I mean and I think ya do because I’m an idiot.  But Barb isn’t the only one who has gone all Spring Fashion 2012 on our asses.  Our beloved Queen LaQueefer has temporarily turned in his moldy green hoodie for a new prison-striped hoodie.  I give them credit on even knowing where to look for the latest fashion inspiration considering Avril Lavigne hasn’t put out a video in a spell.

After their big Social Services hearing, we learn that Jenelle has to pay Barb $30.00/week in child support.  That should be easy for Barb to remember since it actually equals 5lbs of honey baked ham sliced thin at the Walmart deli counter.  Jenelle seems like she couldn’t really care less about having to pay Barb, but that’s mainly because she and Special K have been fighting again on the regular.  Barb tries to provide Jenelle some helpful words of wisdom like, “Have a lil maw self respect faw yawself, Jenelle.”  Jenelle takes in all the advice by screaming at Barb to “shut the F up” and the like.  Poor Barb.  I always feel so bad for her.  You see, she has this lil b*tch of a daughtah (that’s you) and Barb can barely party her own ass off anymore because she has to take care of Jace.  I love how MTV always shows quick little clips of Barb taking care of Jace like she is actually one of the Teen Moms.

Things take a turn for the worse for our heroine during her ride with Special K.  You see, he’s very busy texting on his phone but with whom we do not know.  In fact, Jenelle doesn’t know either and whilst driving she basically tries to wrestle the phone away from him.  Apparently Jenelle could tell that the number that he’s texting has a 508 area code which immediately made me squeal with delight.  Everyone knows (probably not) that a 508 area code resides in the sunny state of Massachusetts.  And, hmmmm, I wonder who on this show has a Boston-like accent?  BARB!  You totally know Barb has a secret cell phone with a 508 area code and she’s sexting Keiffah pictures of her boobs…and more!  She probably arranges for Kieffah to come over dressed as a pirate (for Mike) and then the three of them get naked and roll around on piles and piles of deli meat scattered to and from.  No?  Just my theory?  Fine.   Either way, Special K tries to convince Jenelle that he’s just texting “some dude who messaged him on Facebook.”  Yeah, nice save.  This enrages Jenelle, who always seems to get equally mad when people ask her basic questions, and just as Kieffah is about to “tuck and roll” out of the car she steps on the gas and we finally experience the “Thelma and Louise” moment that this series has clearly been missing for 2 seasons.  Jenelle is just screaming “I’m so maaaaaaaad!” while she is going about a good buck-20 down the freeway.  I find myself with both arms up in the air in a victory stance and constantly chanting, “Keep driving Thelma!”  Sadly they don’t go off a cliff and Kieffah gets out and walks alone to his grassy knoll for what I can only assume will be beauty-sleep related.

Once Jenelle is back at Tori’s House-o-Horror we learn that Special K was actually texting his ex-girlfriend (cough cough Barb cough cough).  He shows her the evidence which is texts where he’s telling his ex that he doesn’t want to hear from her anymore.  Per usual Jenelle doesn’t go to extremes and instead asks Kieffah if he’s going to marry his ex and have children with her. Yup, that’s normal.  I’m sure they’ll spend their honeymoon at “Sweepstakes.”  As the fighting ensues, Tori is pulling a “Sneaky Pete” and hiding around the corner watching and listening to their argument.  Jenelle ends up storming out of the room and slamming the bathroom door a good 5-10 times, punching it, and screaming.   Totally diddled as a youth.  What seems like moments  later, Jenelle starts being a big b*tch to Tori and Tori isn’t having it at all and wants Jenelle to move the hell to the out.  I like how during this part of the fight Jenelle is playing the role of Barb and Tori is playing the role of Jenelle.  Hello, pot?  Meet the kettle.  You’re both rust buckets.  At least that’s how I think the old saying goes.  Either way Jenelle is letting Tori know that most of the stuff in the apartment is hers and that she’s taking both the couches, to which Tori screams (from another room), “I’ve got couches!!”  Meth is a tricky b*tch, isn’t she?

In the end, Jenelle busts into Tori’s room that, once again, looks like the traditional set of Hoarders and wants to collect her clothes back from Tori.  Uh, yeah, because at the end of the day Jenelle wears anything more than one blue A&F hoodie.  Suddenly, Tori loses her sh*t, demands Jenelle get out of the house immediately, and then just starts beating Jenelle with drumsticks.  Why she’s walking around with drumsticks is beyond me.  The girls start rolling around in piles of clothes, dirt, and regret all whilst pulling their hair and saying things like, “You’re being an idiot right now.”  Meanwhile, Tori’s boyfriend lunges at Special K and those two go at it for a bit.  Overall the entire length of the fight took about 11 seconds.   Jenelle ends it by screaming for everyone to leave her alone all whilst pulling at her own hair like a bad 80’s music video starring Pat Benatar.  Such angst.  Such trash.  Such 11 seconds of priceless entertainment.

Leah – Hey y’all we is movin’!  It’s time for another episode of “Meet the Bumpkins.”  I can’t even begin to believe that all of Corey and Leah’s scenes consisted of fighting over buying a trailer or a truck.  I mean they call it “a house” but we all know the truth.  When you’re trying to figure out if you should spend $9,000 on your “house” or replace your truck you might as well be living in a cave with the cast of The Goonies.  Apparently there is some land for sale (y’all) and Leah and Corey are going to check it out to see if they’ll be able to put their mobile home on it.  I believe it’s on a mudslide and is surrounded with West Virginian crack dens.  The best part is that Leah tries to act all concerned and smart and actually asks Corey’s friend about the neighborhood and says (gulp), “Is the schools goods here’s?”  Oh yeah, they is good.  I hear if you make it past the first grade you automatically become a geneticist.

Leah and her hair that is whiter than an albino’s crotch is settling with the fact that she’s going to be a “coal miners wife” but Corey ends up deciding that he no longer wants a “new house” but needs to replace his 4-month old truck instead.  He should replace is 4-month old wife as well because she’s friggin’ bricks.  What I want to know is that if their “dream home” is $9,000 what in the holy hell do they live in now?  I’m convinced it’s a cardboard box with wood paneling.  Unfortunately, Leah no longer wants to live there because when she has to, and I quote, “bath-ing the babies” it’s really gross down in the basement…where the shower is…because that’s where it is in all houses?

Leah and her sissy take the babies down in the basement to give them some bath-ing and there is a huge spider in the tub that Leah steps on with her boat-shoes and then tries to rinse the blood and guts away.  Her sister had the same boat shoes on and, well, that’s just dumb.  As if this bath-ing experience (y’all) couldn’t get any worse, apparently there is no shower-head so Leah needs to reach all the way up to the ceiling to turn on the water nozzle.  Yes, folks, you saw that correctly.  The same way you wash your car in the driveway is the same way that Leah give her kids a bath.  Squeaky clean!  Here’s my question.  Uh, is this where Corey and Leah shower too?  No wonder why her hair is so damn white.  By the time she can reach the nozzle her hair dye has gone from blond to “burn your scalp, y’all, white.”  P.S., it must be really fun for the kids to take a bath when their mom is screaming at them to not touch anything.  Sorry, but forget the geneticist because I’m pretty sure I solved this mystery!

In the end, Corey and Leah continue to fight about trucks and trailers, as I assume you do in the south, and Leah’s parents (sister and brother moles) decide they’ll help her find a trailer that she can have all to herself.  Corey, clearly, still has his mind on getting a truck as when he rolls up in the dirt-driveway we see that he made his own “For Sale” sign for his front window.  I was shocked he spelled almost the whole thing correctly.  I loved how Leah tells Corey how hard it is to be bath-ing the babies in the basement because when it rains it floods and “mildews.”  I hate with things just “mildews.”  That hair dye has made it’s way all the way to the brain y’all!  Time for another brain MReyyyyye!

Kail – Dear Jesus, please just make this all stop.  The chinless Cowardly Lion received a copy of the letter that Jo sent to Social Services so he can appeal his child support payments. Yes it was written and read like a letter to Santa.  At one point he not only says he thinks he has to pay too much, but also mentions that Kail should get a better job and not just stay where her boyfriend works.  If Judge Judy ever got a hold of that appeal letter she would rip Jo such a new asshole that we’d actually find Janet’s backup weave in there.  Allegedly.  I think I’m supposed to say that so I don’t get sued or, worse yet, forced to shave off Janet’s mustache in a court of law.  More importantly, whilst Kail is reading this letter to Issac/Isaac (who is in his very own room-prison) I noticed that she seems to have gimp bracelets braided into her hair.  Now I know that some of “the kids” have feather extensions, but I’m pretty sure Kail’s was gimp.  Also, I miss Suzi.  I’m glum without her shaking and twitching.

Kail ends up having to get  lawyer because Jo says he “may” get one and she should be prepared.  Her lawyer, of course, did not disappoint as most reality-tv lawyers don’t.  I believe her name was Catherine, but she went by Kate (?) which was extremely fitting since she literally had Kate Gosselin’s original spiked hairdo with matted down side bangs.  She was, in not so many words, a treat.  She pretty much just read the appeal letter from Jo to Kail and told her that she’ll appear in court with her if she pays her a $350 retainer fee.  If I were Kail I would have said, “In addition to the retainer, throw in a chin implant and you got yourself a deal!”  Kail chats it up with Jordan about all this Star Jones lawyer business and rolls her eyes when she figures out she’ll have to shell out some money for court since it’s “in the best interest for Issac/Isaac.”  Maybe The Sports Authority can promote her to the golf department, which I hear pays a little better.  I’m kidding. It’s all equally horrible.

Chelsea – Got dumped.

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Teen Mom 2: When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens

Hey y’all it’s time for another episode of “The Night They Realized It’s Not Just For Peeing Anymore.”  In this episode all the girls come to the decision that it’s never too late for adoption and begin to fill out paperwork to get the ball rolling on becoming free-teens again.  I hope I didn’t spoil anything.  I’m kidding.  Nothing happened.  Speaking of nothing happening, join me on my Facebook page and let me know I’m a bad person for making fun of teenage mothers.  It means more to me when I can see the white trash sending the nasty-gram.  Ole!

Jenelle – Well I’m just sittin’ heeeeah havin’ a la-di-da time and BAM all of a sudden Barb just drops a bomb that she’s 57 years old.  Shocking.  She doesn’t look a day over 56.  You totally know that skin got wrinkled from her youthful days of her frolicking on Revere Beach, sipping strawberry-kiwi wine coolers out of a crazy straw, and laying out with a can of Crisco and holding one of those aluminum-mirror things that you put under your face to intensify the tan.  She’s sure to end her day at the beach with a Scallop plate from Kelly’s.  You’re welcome, my dear readers in Boston northshore communities.  However this can’t all just be Barb dream sequences because Jenelle is pitching a b*tch-fit in the kitchen because she hasn’t smoked pot in almost 24 hours and, well, she’s losing her mind.  She makes it seem like it’s such a tough thing to do.  Wow.   She made it 23 hours.  Someone give her a sobriety chip.  And salsa.  Because, well, that’s the way I assume it works.  You see, I’ve never been to a rehab facility because they frown on you continuing your drinking lifestyle.  Bad choices is the new black.  The best part of the entire crapisode was when Jenelle was freaking out and Barb just yells out, “Yaw strung out on weeeeeed, Jenelle!”  followed by heart-felt words such as, “What?  You need drug rehab now?”  Way to may her feel “wrong” for possibly needing rehab.  Can you even go to rehab for pot?  So pathetic.  She’s like that chick from Dr. Drew Celebrity Rehab who was on because she was addicted to “love.”  Not sex.  Love.  Oddly enough, I’m addicted to “like.”  P.S., don’t they give the elderly pot for cataracts?  Toughen up, trash can.

After thinking about it during a 45 second conversation with a girl I can only assume is considered a “tough cookie” in her Hello Kitty club, Jenelle is going to move in with Tori and Tylor.  These, my friends, are not the characters from 90210 and Saved By the Bell.  These are actual people.  Although, the leather jacket she’s sporting is very reminiscent of the actual Tori from Saved By The Bell.  I think it’s a great idea that Jenelle move in with these two characters as I’m sure there’s some form of a gang bang in its future.  As a sidenote, how come in 2 seasons we’ve never seen Jenelle smile?  I mean, I only see her teeth when she’s hissing in Barbara’s face.  Regardless, when it’s time to tell Barb that she’s moving out it actually goes better than expected.  Barb thinks it’s a great idea that Jenelle get the Christ out of the bungalow.  I’m sure she’s just excited that Mike is going to be able to finally play “hide the pirate” in Barb’s treasure trove.  As God as my witness I have no idea what that means, but sometimes it’s easier to set the table for a smut joke and just see who shows up to eat.  Ironically that’s the same way that Barb landed Mike, that snaggle-toothed wonder.  Either way, Barb hopes that Jenelle gets her life in order and will at least come to visit Jace one day a week for more than an hour.  I’m sure if you listen carefully you can hear all of The America yell out a collective “no!” in unison.

When it’s finally time to get to the moving portion of the episode, good old snaggle tooth Mike is giving Jenelle a helping hook.  See what I did there?  When they fit one of Jenelle’s gross-bed-bug-infested pieces of furniture into the back of a rusted out pick-up truck Barb just blurts out, “Supppaaah!”  No joke, at first I was like what the hell did she say, but then I quickly understood and was smiling from ear to lopsided ear.  Whilst in the process of moving Tori finds a “love letter” from Queen LaQueefer in which he calls Jenelle a “princess.”  Accurate.  Just like Ursula was a princess.  He says things like “we don’t need to prove our love to anyone” which makes me think they are a modern day Romeo and Juliet and hope that one of the two will swallow the potion to a little trip to “Dirt Nap City.”

After Jenelle moves all her actual literal junk into the new crack den she quickly receives a message from Kieffah on Facebook where he says he misses her, loves her, and he ends the email with “117.”  I’m not sure what “117″ means, but I’ll venture a guess that it’s “beeper code” for “I’ll meet you on the grassy knoll.  Bring soap.”   Jenelle decides to write him back because, most likely, she was sexually molested by one of Barb’s boyfriends growing up.  I don’t think I’m that far off and, well, I’m pretty sure if you think about it, you’ll agree too.  Jenelle is also writing in some type of code whilst emailing Special K back.  She writes things like “yu” instead of “you” and “ohk” instead of “ok.”  She might be trying to be cool, but I think it’s more accurate to assume that she really is that dumb.  In the end, Queefy comes over to the new house to sit on the stairs until Jenelle basically forces and apology from him.  It must be his rotten teeth and crusty green hoodie that she just can’t resist.  They both agree that they’re current status is “just talking” and “working things out” but they say “I love you” and kiss each other whilst dirt and grime clings to them from the stairs…and society.  Somewhere a few streets over, Barb is putting Jace to bed and shaving a smiley face in her lady-bits for Mike.  In this episode, everyone wins.

Leah – “Hey y’all!  I’m in a new house that’s as long and narrow as my momma’s face!”  I’m just kidding it’s round and oversized.  I’m not suggesting that it’s similar to anyone else’s head, but I’m just merely implying that similar to a physic coming over to a house party where everyone gets a reading, well, the geneticist should consider making house calls to the most western parts of West Virginia.  Wow that was a long sentence.  Long and hard just like my…shut yo mouth!  Anyway, Leah is relieved that everything is perfectly normal with Alibaba and is celebrating by decorating her home like any of the people in any of the episodes of Hoarders.  Luckily, even when times are tough, financially, there’s still plenty of empty Mountain Dew bottles scattered all around the house.  Another 10 bottles and Leah will have enough money for 2 more strands of clip-on extensions.  It’s like my 401K plan, y’all!

Meanwhile, Corey comes home in the brightest t-shirt (probably easier to identify the chain-gang cleaning up the side of the interstate) and seems a little bummed out.  It was hard to tell he was bummed out because he’s usually such a mix of piss and vinegar.  Leah really seems concerned and we learn that Corey doesn’t love his job.  At least I think that’s what he was saying.  Even the sub-titles seemed jumbled.  What I did understand, however, is that Corey has big dreams of…wait for it…wait for it…slap your baby…wait for it…you guessed it…being a coal miner.  I’m not saying that a coal miner isn’t a respectable job.  I mean, if it was good enough for the 7 Dwarfs it’s certainly good enough for old beaver teeth in the fluorescent green.

Later, Leah received a typed letter from the gen-et-i-cist (y’all!) saying that basically Alislovakia isn’t out of the woods yet and they’d like to see her again in one year.  The main problem, in my opinion, is that someone is going to have to teach Leah and Corey how to work a standard calendar.  I mean, if it’s not a tear-away Ziggy calendar they’re likely to miss the follow up appointment.  Leah and Corey try to understand what the “cryptic letter” from the geneticist really means.  It is quite tricky since the geneticist was “specific” and “clear” and explained everything.  Sadly, I knew Leah was immediately lost when she called the letter a “form.”  Pass me the form, y’all!  They wind up trying to Google more words that were taken from the “form” to see what the deal is.  Leah ends up getting puzzled and decides that she’s going to call up the geneticist to have them basically read the “form” to her.  Perhaps they should send a pop-up book next time.  Or maybe have it be a “Choose Your Own Adventure” where Leah can choose, “Walk out of the trailer and start a new life without these 3 anchors holding your down….turn to page 99.”

In the end, Leah ends up calling the geneticist and they speak to her for 45 minutes and won’t shut the F up, like they’re guilty of something.  Now you know I couldn’t care less about how this show is edited.  Everyone seems to freak the F out over it, but I couldn’t care less.  The final scene could have been shot in 1986. Perfect.  However, what was kind of strange was that in the “next scene” Leah meets up with Corey to talk about the phone conversation she just had.  They meet outside.  She’s wearing a tank top  and there are leaves on the tree.  Uh, two episodes ago they were opening white trash gifts under the ghetto Christmas tree.  Also, her hair is now so god-damn white it’s actually glowing.  It’s clearly giving Corey’s work t-shirt a run for its money food stamps.  Her scalp is burnt.  As is my brain. Maybe I need an MReyyyyyye on my brain?  Probably.  I’ll Google it.

Kail – Good news!  The Cowardly Lion got bangs!  Seriously, other than that nothing really happened in Kail’s scenes.  All I know is that Jo is pissed about the child support that the court is telling him he owes.  He’s so mad that I suggest he focus that anger and make a “rap song” that can be recorded in his “studio” all whilst Janet booty-claps in the background.  His rapping, overall, is priceless and we can just assume this one would go something like, “My name is Jo and I’m here to say I don’t like child support in a major way.”  How come in the 80’s (and always) whenever “the whites” try to rap it always starts with “My name is _____ and I’m here to say.”  I love the whites.  We are a dumb species.

Kail ends up chatting with her creeptastic friends to get their opinion on the whole “child support” situation.  I think it makes sense she asked people who can barely form full sentences.  I’m pretty sure one of the guys suggested she just shove the baby back up her vagiola.  Sound advice.  After she receives a letter from the people who “do math” and tell you how much money you owe, she calls up Jo so that they can chat.  They both agree to meet at the Tic Toc Diner because, well, that’s just the kind of place they live.  Apparently Jo needs to shell out $470 a month and thinks it’s very unfair.  He needs that money to work on his “music” and you know at least some of that is going to a mustache grooming kit for the Big J!  I jest.  Me gusta Janet y me gusta la lapiz y yo soy IBBBB.  Donde esta el bano, tambien por favor.  Yo toca la guitara.  I’m kidding, I don’t toca that at all.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, these two brainiacs are trying to have a middle-school debate on how much money Jo would have to pay if they were together and if they weren’t together.  I found myself yelling at the TV, “Shut up and just tap the bottle and twist the cap.”  the best part was Kail’s new beautiful hair.  It was so pretty.  They way it was a bowl-cut in the front and long stripper curls going down the sides really made her non-existent chin pop in the natural light.  At one point during the conversation it literally looked like a c0mb-over.  I get sad when bad hair happens to chinless teens.  It’s an epidemic in some of the Slavic countries.  Oh, and is it just me or do you only have images of Janet as an In Living Color “fly-girl” on the regular?  Eh, fine.  I’ll see a geneticist about that problem, y’all!

Chelsea – Every episode is the same with this pile of bricks.  The only change this time is that she’s getting job, or trying to at least.  Her strategy is quite impressive.  She walks into a gym, doesn’t say hello, and just simply says, “Can you give me an application.”  Not even as a question.  Just a general statement.  Since Chelsea still can’t pass the 4th grade and likes to look like Lil Bill in the winter, she’s getting a job in South Dakota called, “Year Round Brown.”  This is misleading as anyone I’ve seen in South Dakota that’s friends with Chelsea is orange all year “round.”  Actually they’re round too.  I think the name of the place should have been, “Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Snooki?”  It has a nice ring (around the tub) to it.

Chelsea does, in fact, get the job and no one seems to care.  Hopefully she’ll finally now have the time to study for GED in between “pressing the ‘on’ button at work.”  Oh, and Adam is still a d*ck because he’s shooting sass up at the camera every two seconds while he and Chelsea fight about why Chelsea has an unhealthy obsession with all things leopard-print.  Or maybe they were fighting about what movie to watch that night.  The point is, I couldn’t care less.  The only thing I was intrigued by was Chelsea’s friend who looked Ricki Lake pre-DWTS.  Other than that, I’m done.  Sorry, I tried.  Spoiler Alert:  I didn’t.

So, my good people, did ya like this recap?  Did ya not?  Either way, click on the “Facebook Recommend” button that I’ve thrown in your face every two sentences so that you can share this dumb website with your underachiever friends.  If I get 500 Facebook “likes” I’ll recap anything you want, unless it’s on Monday – Sunday…then the deal is off.  Also join me on Facebook because that’s where the real magic happens. Tell your mom!

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Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
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Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Teen Mom 2 Recap: Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia

Programming Note: Dear sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary this was one long episode!  MTV decided to play a round of shenanigans  on me and air Teen Mom last night for two hours.  Two hours!  Therefore, I’ll do my best to remember everything, but the first person to say, “I can’t believe you forgot to mention…” gets the electric chair.  I simply provide an overview.  I’m not a court stenographer.  Moving on.

Jenelle – What an absolute treat this garbage disposal is.  Since Queen LaQueefer has been freed from the slammer by his cousin (aka MTV producers) he decides to text Jenelle because he misses her and wants to see her ASAP.  This makes Jenelle smile from ear to ear and they both agree to meet at some place called Planet Fun or some sh*t like that.  Basically it’s the kind of place where pedophiles hide in the ball pit.  Either way, Jenelle actually tells Barb of her plans, which is a nice change of pace considering she’s decided not to lie to her.  At this point Jenelle could have been giving Barb a recipe for pot brownies because all I could feast my eyes on was Barb’s beautiful freckled shoulders that were peeking out of her pink flammable shirt.  You can only image Mike’s one snaggle tooth trying to kiss and bite those freckled overtired shoulders on the regular.  I just puked in my mouth a little.  I’m kidding.  A lot.

It was so great to see Special K fresh outta the slammaaah.  He certainly looks like he became a woman whilst in there.  To no surprise, Kieffah and Jenelle are wearing their costumes to Planet Fun, which consist of crusty blue and green hoodies from hell.  They decide that sending Special K to jail was a mistake because he never actually beat her up, he just simply shoved her and delicately threw her into a car.  Awww so sweet.  I believe in the south those are just called “Love Taps.”  These two future bank robbers come to an agreement that they’ll never ever fight again.  It’s not their fault, really, since Keiffah was raised in a house where people just yelled all the time and, well, Jenelle was basically brought up by Sam Kinison.  If you pause this scene I’m almost certain you can see Barb in the background playing Ski-Ball and Mike collecting her tickets.  She’s got some arm on her!  Slicing deli meat on the regular is finally paying off in more ways than one.  Two ways, in fact.

Later, Jenelle meets with her attorney who may or may not still be in North Carolina Law School (aka Watching Two Seasons of Judge Judy and Writing a Paper on It) she learns that because she and Keiffah were “high/high yaw both high and smokin’ weeeeeed on my front porch” that she could face upwards of 240 days in jail.  Hopefully it’s the same jail that Amber (Ammbuuuuh) is in and they can be cell sluts and braid each others hair and pick bed bugs off of each others backs. #Dreams.  The wind has been knocked out of Jenelle’s sails when she learns that she can’t smoke pot during this time and how they may have to tell the judge that she smoked about a week ago.  Somehow she tells Barb she’s less nervous about this now that she’s met with her lawyer.  Comedy ensues when Jenelle is about to leave for court and Barb starts freaking out by wishing Jenelle good luck and then just blurts out, “Jenelle.  Don’t liiiiiiie about smokin’ the weeeeeed to the judge.  He’ll throw da book at ya!”  I swear to God I would legit charge upwards of $17,000 on my credit card in order to have dinner and drinks with Barb.  I would just hug her the whole time whilst my head rested on her precious bosom.  I would whisper in her ear, “Talk Boston to me.”  Either way, something tells me that Barb has been through this whole drug/court/judge scenario before because she was like, “Uh-oh Keiffah is DONE!” and even as Jenelle is leaving the house she just keeps shaking her head and yelling, “The weed, Jenelle, don’t lie about the weeeeeeed!” like she was on her death bed and this was the last message she could give her lil b*tch of a daughter (that’s you) before she went into the light.

Court is some serious business and after listening to Barb’s advice on how to act, she knows that she shouldn’t talk, be seen with Kieffah, or for some inexplicable reason place her eyeglasses on top of her head.  Jenelle understands the memo and even knows that Kieffah is supposed to “tuck in his pants” whilst talking to the judge.  Great, that makes sense.  Tuck his pants into his underwear?  I’m confused.  Either way, Jenelle picks up Queen LaQueefer just outside the grassy knoll and he’s decided to wear his green hoodie tucked into his baggy jeans.  Like he couldn’t have robbed a Sears employee for a pair  khakis and a button down?  Hell, that’s basically all Barb has in her closet!  The luck of the drunken Irish is on their side, however, because once they arrive at court they learn that it’s closed due to some snow flurries and has been rescheduled for two months from now.  Special K looks like he’s about to go on the lam.

Even after their gift from Jesus himself about the court delay, things don’t go that great for these two goons.  Jenelle says in her voiceover that they’re trying their best not to get in trouble before their next court appearance.  Seriously?  How is that a hard thing to do?  It’s not like you walk outside and accidentally stab someone.  People don’t get in trouble all the time.  It’s called being a productive member of society.  Things take a turn for the worse when Kieffah reads a text message from Jenelle’s ex-boyfriend about how he wants to hang out again with her.  He freaks the F out and says that she gets text messages from all these guys and he doesn’t have any girls texting him.  Technically, can you text to the payphone in jail?  I’m not quite sure how that works.  And, not for nothing, but if Keiffah got to have boyfriend whilst serving time, why can’t Jenelle have one too?  Special K storms out of the house shouting that they’re done and probably goes to hibernate on the grassy knoll.  He never responds to any of Jenelle’s messages and she remains very calm and collective to all of this.  I’m kidding. She won’t get out of bed and is screaming and shaking and crying.  Poor Barb just wants to go to the Town Hall because she’s gotta pay her god-damn sewer bill, but Jenelle won’t watch Jace for her because she can’t stop crying and listening to an automatic recording that says, “Your call has been automatically forwarded to…” over and over again.

Finally, Queen LaQueefer decides to return her call and comes over to visit Jenelle whilst Barb is out partyin’ her ass off.  Luckily for us, Kieffah is wearing a black Betty White t-shirt and decides to end things with Jenelle.  This causes her to scream “why!?!?!” and when he calls someone to pick him up, Jenelle storms the car like someone just kidnapped Jace and is about to speed off.  I’m kidding. She hates Jace.  Jenelle literally loses her sh*t and is punching his window, gets her hand stuck in his door, and is screaming for him to get out of the car because she loves him so much.  His friends look like they think they can “catch crazy b*tch” so they all speed off leaving Jenelle to walk back to the house and sit in her new white Jetta (which I forgot to mention) and cry her eyes out.  Did anyone notice that she she cries she, legit, looks just like Barb?  Dead on.  And, not for nothing, but this is just a classic case of “Daddy didn’t love me and left us when I was little so I’m trying to find my self-worth and acceptance in bad choices in men.”  If only Jenelle could find her knight in shining armor like Barb has with pirate-obsessed Mike.  A mustache and teeth in armor.

Leah – Hey y’all I’m about to talk about the gen-et-i-cist all god damn episode!  Since the trailer isn’t quite dirty enough already, Leah decides to bring home a filthy rabid cat!  She literally takes it out from under her coat to show Corey and the girls.  Corey looks like he’s pissed that there’s another pussy in the house and the one with the goggles looks like she’s pissed that something else smaller than her can walk.  Calm down, she ends up knowing how to stand.  Leah is all nervous because the physical therapist is coming over, but I’m as excited as can be because usually these characters are a gift from God.  This lady (?) doesn’t disappoint.  She may or may not be “with penis” but that just adds to her charm.  Oh and she has a “mens regular” haircut.  Perfect.  She does fun physical therapy exercises such as, “I’ll sit on the rug and pass the baby to you.”  Looks like the one with the goggles is already improving.  The physical therapist even lets Leah know about some great walking splints that she has that will help the baby (Aliterriaki?) stand up on her own.  She whips out some magazine to show her…but I’m pretty sure it was just  a picture of tissue boxes and duct tape.  She’s standin’ y’all!  When she asks her if she thinks Ali will ever be able to walk, the therapist just shrugs her shoulders and yes, “I think so.”  She couldn’t give less of a sh*t and, to be honest, this is West Virginia we’re talking about.  I mean the schooling and training needed to actually become a physical therapist consists of one thing:  Just don’t have sex with your sibling.  If you can do that, PRESTO!, you’re a physical therapist.

However, everything can’t just be tissues boxes and duct tape because Leah needs to keep sounding out geneticist over and over again.  One of these days she’ll get it right by the second try.  Practice makes perfect!  Unfortunately by the time they actually get to the geneticist the cameras aren’t allowed inside so we’re forced to listen to Leah and Corey try to recap what they learned as they sat in the truck.  Apparently they think she has some kind of dysplasia and Leah and Corey seem more scared about pronouncing that big word than even knowing what it means.  Not that any of this is funny, but I like how they’re like “So we went to see my mom to see if she could help us figure out what it was.”  I mean she’s a god damn dental assistant.  The best part is that she was acting like she was an actual doctor, so she shows them to the computer and Leah looks like, “so you mean this sex-box can give us information too, y’all?”  Thank God for Google auto-complete or this search could have gone on for hours.  They read all the symptoms and while the one with the goggles doesn’t have many of those symptoms she does have a few.  However, Leah’s mom and stepdad (who I’m pretty sure if the mother’s brother) both look like, “Oh sh*t!  We have all those symptoms!”  That explains a lot.  A lot.  Corey don’t want to talk about it no more and says “the conversation is over.”  We know this because of the sub-titles.  Had it not been for the sub-titles I would have assumed he was reciting a nursery rhyme.

In the end, after waiting a long four weeks for the results Leah finally gets the call that the one with the goggles is fine and doesn’t need to come back to the doctor for 1 year.  Um, yeah, something is definitely wrong with her.  If West Virginia can’t give them answers they should at least try doctors in regular Virginia and, well, I’m not good with the map but is there a South or North Virginia because, if so, I would try that too.  At least Alilaqueesha is showing some promise because Leah’s mom taught her how to stand up against the coffee table and suddenly she leaves us with this mental picture, “You know what I just remembered?  Leah, I taught you how to walk by placing cheese puffs all along the rug because you loved you some cheese puffs.”  And that, my friends, sums up everything I ever needed to know about this family…and why there are orange stains on the carpet.

Chelsea – Two hours of this pile of bricks?  No thanks.  Let’s go quickly because, let’s face it, I’m just as tired typing all this as you are reading it.  Chelsea has to move out of the house she’s staying in because the owners want to sell it.  That’s code for, “the Board of Health wants to condemn it because she lives like a Hoarder.”  So, Randylicious is going to get her a new place and, in turn, Chelsea is going to dye her hair the blondest blond that South Dakota can find.  I’m not kidding, it was white.  Like Walgreen’s Halloween aisle 7 fright wig white.  And I’m pretty sure she got extensions too which looked like were pulled from Paris Hilton’s head circa 2002.  It looked awful.  And, as punishment, they should have dyed her no-no the same color just to teach her a lesson.  What was strange was by the time she got home to chat with her friend Megan her hair wasn’t as white…but then later when talking to Adam, it was white again.  I mean I couldn’t give 2 Aubree-sized sh*ts but I want to get to the bottom of what happened.

Megan spills the scripted beans to Chelsea that she is knocked to the up.  I’m not sure what the big surprise was.  I mean, when Megan walked into the house her stomach was pushing out of her coat and she was basically swinging the baby around by the umbilical cord.  She should have just handed it over to Chelsea and been like, “Here.  Aubree did this while you were gone.”  Sidenote, what the hell happened to Megan’s face? It’s like her chopped bangs are trying their best to attack it!  And you totally know that if MTV doesn’t make Megan a permanent cast member in the next two years she’s totally going to try and flush that baby down the toilet by its 2nd birthday.  She should do it in the bathroom of a Prom because I hear those girls have a lot of success with the flushing.  Plus, you get to do the Electric Slide right afterwards.  Boogie Oogie Oogie Oggie.

In the remaining two hours nothing good happens except Chelsea found a new apartment that her dad can pay for.  I mean, she’s decided to step up to the plate and pay the water bill and junk.  The best part was that the realtor guy couldn’t have cared less and suddenly during the walk-through was like, just sign here and then handed her the keys and was like “congratulations” without a smile.  Maybe he’s just pissed that he didn’t get the memo that in South Dakota in the middle of the winter you’re supposed to be naturally orange. Noted.

Kail – Issac’s first birthday/confrontation with Janet and her sour puss and Janet Jackson Escapade hair/Kail’s Snooki poof/creepy cousins/Jordan buying Issac sneakers that he can’t wear until he’s 5/Kail crashes her car/crying because she can’t afford the tow-truck even though she makes about $75K from MTV/buys a horrible two-door green car from some future contestant on the Biggest Loser/files in court for child support from Joe/Janet is going to kill her and/or have a dance-off with her Rhythm Nation-style.  5..4…3…2…1.

Discuss.

Sorry folks these 2 hour episode give me a case of “the sleepy” and “the angry.”  It’s too much and I want to flush my junk down the toilet.  So, feel free to discuss Kail and Chelsea in more detail in the comments section.  Hell, maybe I’ll even chime in.  In the meantime, if you liked this please click on the “Recommend” buttons I placed all over this b*tch so you can share it with your garbage pail kids on Facebook.  Help me sell out!

Speaking of which, join me on my own Facebook page where everyone won’t stop writing comments every two seconds about Teen Mom no matter what I write.

Related Teen Mom 2 Links:
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Teen Mom 2 Recap: Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Park Lane!

Jenelle – Sometimes when your life is stormy you need a little calm.  You need a mustache with mangled teeth to provide you with advice.  You need Barb’s boyfriend Mike.  Jenelle is seeing red (and not just because Barb is decked out in a beautiful Christmas red sweater with black leaves all around the neck that just slightly shows off her menopausal bosom) because Queen LaQueefa is still playing “Hey that’s my bum bum!” in the slammer.  Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that Mike is coming on to Jenelle hard-core.  He’s all like, “You use to be fun, Jenelle (wink-wink).”  Probably meaning that she used to ride the pole without a jacket if you know what I mean and, well, if ya don’t you’re on the wrong site because I’m talking smut.  I. Am. Talking. Smut.  The whole time Mike’s mustache is talking I keep noticing how while Jenelle is dressed to film Scene 3 of an Avril Lavigne skater boi video she’s sporting the fake nails that Leah (and the Real Housewives of Orange County) seem to still think looks good.  I think having sexy nails is important especially when counting your food stamps.  Nevertheless (am I using that right?), Mike took a few notes from Barb’s Book-o-Crazy by saying some of her best catch phrases of 2011 such as, “…and then yaw done!”  followed by “he’s draggin’ you down Jenelle.”  I’m pretty sure the only thing Kieffah is dragging down right now is his pants to Bubba.  That’s right folks, I’m talking 5th grade jokes all the live-long day.  Buckle up because this whole episode was a snooze.

Later, the Good-Time-Gang has to celebrate Christmas early because Barb is going out of town for a bit.  At first I was assuming that was code for “sex change in Tijuana” but then leaned more towards her attending a meat slicing convention in Toledo.  Everything seems to be going pretty well on their pre-Christmas Christmas  as Jenelle has bought Jace actual gifts.  Shocking.  It’s times like these when I really love me some Barb because she just blurts out, “Oh. My. Goodness.  How cute that is!” all whilst she is smiling ear to ear.  More surprises come when we learn that Jenelle even bought Barb a gift.  I hear the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day.  Barb is so psyched because Jenelle got her Ugg boots.  Barb spits out, “Oh yeah!  They’re nice!  Cuz I like the daaaahhhk colaaah!”  If she likes the dark color I’m surprised she didn’t take more of a liking to Kieffah, but I digress and digest all at the same time.

In the end, any family Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a little family blow-out.  This time around a fight takes place over the fact that Barb wants Jenelle to change Jace’s sh*tty skid-marked diaper and Jenelle is a little slow to get up.  Somehow it turns into a shouting match over Jace going to daycare and how Jenelle can’t be in his life and blah blah blah.  Barb is pissed, screams “Merry Christmas” and leaves with Jace for the rest of the crapisode.  Now is Mike’s chance to see if he can go down Jenelle’s chimney. However, Jenelle is too busy calling everyone she knows that is over 21 so they can bail Special K out of jail.  90% of the people won’t answer when Jenelle calls, 5% of the people won’t do it, and the other 5% were probably made up calls to the Time and Temperature lady for dramatic effect.  One friend of Jenelle, Tiffany, doesn’t want to bail out Kieffah, but she will come up the street to “chill” with Jenelle in her car.  This chick has her own kid and looks like she leaves a ring around the tub and wreaks of incense and latex.  Plus, those face piercings really make her eyes pop!  Did North Carolina not get the memo that the Avril look ended in the mid 2000’s?  Jesus.  Jenelle’s final call was to Special K’s friend, Dan, who also would not bail him out because he thinks he’ll go on the run.  I think Keifaah running takes too much imitative and will never happen.  Jenelle is left in her car crying and I’m left wondering if I’ll ever get these 60 minutes back.

Leah – (Leah Voiceover) “Hey y’all it’s Christmastime in the TP (trailer park).  I’m just kidding, y’all, cuz we can’t even afford the park part.  Them are just some cheap jokes for da poors!”  But before we get to any of the Christmas festivities in the sticks we need to sit through a conversation with Leah’s mom about how Leah needs to be ok with the fact the twins may want to play more with the wrapping paper on Christmas morning than the actual presents.  She says it so serious like they’re talking about brain MR-eyyye.  At one point she says, “Now don’t go gettin’ all aggra-vated.”  You totally know she thought she was super smart for saying it that way.  Someone run her to the geneticist because I think the problem lies all over her face.

Leah is so excited that she spent $500 on her kids for Christmas even though she has to throw them a 1st birthday party at the local VFW/Shelter.  It looks freezing in there.  So cold, in fact, that the crunchy curls in the crowd are starting to ice over.  It’s ok though because so is my heart.  Happy 1st Birthday Aliarka and Liliaki.  Whatever the hell their names are.  All I know is that between Corey’s relatives and Leah’s relatives it looks like a childrens book of a cartoon beaver family and cartoon mole family come to life.  Let’s move on to Christmas.

I love to see what Christmas is like for those who have wood paneling.  Some call it a sport, but I call it a hobby.  I love the way the lights from the Christmas tree bounce off the puffy leather couch and land as tiny specs all over the wooden walls.  If I were Leah I’d tell my twins (y’all) that every time cheap-flammable-wood-paneling shimmers, an angel gets clip-on extensions.  Speaking of which, Corey Claus has dressed up like Santa in the cheapest costume that the change found under your couch cushions can buy.  No joke, the court-ordered workers who have to ring that damn Salvation Army bell at the mall have better costumes than Corey.  I’m almost certain his “beard” was just pieces of Leah’s fried out weave simply hot-glue-gunned directly to his face (hot glue burns, y’all!).  And his “Santa outfit” was basically Mrs. Brady’s two-piece suit from the holiday episode.  The fact that the entire home doesn’t ignite by Corey just walking through it is beyond me.

Leah, per usual, is dressed like Santa’s trick.  She has to wake the girls up to open their presents, but she seems to be dressed to go to The Roxy with a face full of make-up caked on…just like the rest of The America on Christmas morning.  Oh, and someone needs to tell Corey that Santa says “Ho, Ho, Ho” not “Who, Who, Who.”  Dick.  And Santa says other things too like, “Merry Christmas,” Have you been a good little girl,” and other catch phrases like, “So, uh, are those glasses or goggles because, well, the elves were wondering.”  When Corey just kept saying “Who, who, who” it made me turn Leah’s-mom’s-natural-bush-red with secondhand embarrassment.  And the girls hated it too.  The smaller one just screamed like she realized they’re one more Betty Boop decoration away from filming scenes for Hoarders and the other girl who can’t walk yet, looks like she was ready to give it hell just to try and get out of there and find her way to Social Services.

My favorite part, however, was when they passed the big-screen TV and over to the Christmas tree so the girls could open up their Christmas gifts. Each girl got what looks like 2 or 3 gifts each.  I call “shenanigans” on the $500 spending spree.  Perhaps Leah could have bought the girls a few more things if she cooled it with the fake nails and white hair?  Or perhaps if she stopped taking days off at her new “job” we could have seen a stocking or two filled up.  At least none of this is being recorded and the girls can never see it again.  P.S., I’m sure Leah flirted with the Elf on a Shelf.  Pig.  Oh, and I think it’s great that Corey wrapped one of the gifts up with duct tape because I’m almost certain he’ll use that same tactic with Leah once he finds out about the cheatin’.  See y’all in the woods!

Kail – Was she even in this episode?  Kail’s case worker comes over to the apartment, that I’m probably paying with my tax money, to see how she’s doing and what she has going on for Christmas.  She probably is just there to make sure that Kail doesn’t have a Ferrari in the driveway with the money that MTV is paying her to be a pig on television.  All that is a snooze.  It’s Christmas for Kail too, though, and she invites Jordan to come over in the middle of the winter in his shorts so she can give him his gift (a hat) and he can give her Ugg boots…similar to the gifts that were given to the baby Jesus in the Bible.  Kail did a good job at wrapping all the gifts.  So basically she knew enough to wrap everything except a d*ck. Hey-oh!

The only good that came out of this was the fact that Kail kept speaking of this magical letter that she wanted to write to Janet for Christmas and I was hoping this meant that we were going to get a glimpse of my 2nd favorite person in the world.  Well, all the talking didn’t disappoint because Janet has finally entered our lives this season.  Blessed Mother Janet is sporting a “93″ Jersey and some Diana Ross hair and she looks like a rabid dog in heat when Kail enters the house.  Kail goes to give Janet the card and Janet is just like, “Yup thanks.” And then she grabs a card that looks like it’s already been opened and on display on the table and just hands it to Kail.  That’s love.  I’m assuming that the “93″ on her shirt was the year she became a teen mom.  If only it was a “69″ she probably would have never been in this mess.  Either way, dressing like a J Lo backup dancer really works for Janet.  Next time I’d like to see a little more cameltoe poking out from her Hanes Her Way. In the end, Janet reads the letter to Joe and she decides to somewhat forgive Kail for making her look like douche-nozzle on national television.  I think she kinda wants Kail and Joe to get back together but my momma said you can’t hurry love (no) you just have to wait, she said love don’t come easy…it’s a game of give and take.

Chelsea – Martha Washington wig, generator technician, mom’s mullet, lady dressed as the Grinch whilst cutting down a Christmas tree, next week Megan tells Chelsea she’s knocked to the F up.  Discuss.

More Teen Mom Links!
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Teen Mom 2 Recap: Jumpaaah Cables and Fix-a-Flat: Birthday Dreams Come True

It’s time for yet another crapisode of “Spread ‘Em If You Got ‘Em: Teenage Mother Edition.”  I am still on vacation, but I figured if I could find the time to tune into these rubbish tins, then you probably have the time to read this junk and click on the “Recommend” button so you can share it with your loser Facebook friends and help me continue to sell out.  Speaking of which, join me on my very own loser Facebook page and let’s get creepy! P.S, how much do my Photoshopping skills rule?!

Jenelle – If there’s one thing you know about me it’s that me gusta when Barb and Jenelle get into a knock-down-drag-out fight on the regular.  If Barb isn’t being backed into her front door by Jenelle screaming just inches from her facia bruta then, well, I’m less than pleased.  However, something that you may not know is that I also enjoy Barb when she’s in good spirits.  I assume this is because Walmart was paying her time-and-a-half during the holidays, but perhaps it’s because her boyfriend, Mike, is playing the alphabet game on her “gentlemen greeter” when they have “date night” on the pullout couch.  One may never know.  This time around Barb starts off rough and tough with Jenelle by letting her know that she’s glad that Kieffah is going to jail, but even with that hard exterior she is a big old softie to me since she has now embroidered a flower pattern around the collar of her prized blue shirt.  I’m sure that peels off during the winter months and replaced with a snowman pattern.

Now I don’t want to oversell this, but the next major scene with Barb may have made me the happiest toolbag blogger on this here earth.  Apparently it’s the lil b*tch’s 19th birthday and so Barb goes into her room to wake her up wearing a complete sex-kitten outfit.  If you heard that thump in the background I’m sure it was Mike ramming his manhood into the wall and then passing out.  Barb is decked out in enough leopard print that would make Chelsea start foaming from the mouth.  And, she’s there to bring gifts to Jenelle that are all oddly wrapped.  Suddenly Barb turns into Jokey Smurf  and starts giggling as Jenelle unwraps her presents.  I was actually waiting for the gifts to explode upon the unwrapping process.  Her giggles turn into a full on belly laugh (a belly full of deli meat) when Jenelle opens up the first gift, which was a large can of “Fix-a-Flat” in case she gets another flat tire.  Seriously, Barb is cracking herself up and half of “The America” at this point.  The next gift Jenelle unwraps is a set of jumper cables.  At this point, Barb is about seconds away from rolling on the floor and kicking up her legs as tears of joy roll down her face.  To top things off, she gets to shriek out, “These aahhh things you need faw yaw caaaaah!”  It was like she was playing $25,000 Pyramid.  I was ready to yell out, “Things that are 65% off at Walmart the day after Christmas!”  Barb ended her gift-giving spree by telling the beautiful story of when she gave birth to Jenelle 19 years ago and how she almost made her meat slicer explode so she had to have a C-section.  She continues the compliments by letting her know that she was a cranky b*tch way back then too.  Good old Barb.  Friend ’til the end!

Later, through the magic of science and miracles, Kieffah ends up sending Jenelle a Facebook message because he wants to talk to her about their relationship and, you know, the beating.  How the hell is he on Facebook?  Does the grassy knoll that he sleeps on have free WiFi?  I just assumed at this point his version of Twitter was actually talking to a bird and giving it directions to Jenelle’s house.  Either way, they end up chatting on the phone and decide that the next step in their garbage barrel relationship to nowheresville is to have Jenelle come and pick him up so he can turn himself in to the police because there is a warrant out for his arrest.  How romantic. I’m pretty sure this same scenario that was in the Bible.  I believe it was “A Letter to Kiefaaah from the Barbs” (right after the Psalms).  So, Jenelle picks up Kieffah for some inexplicable reason outside of a Japanese steakhouse in a stripmall (next to the Dollar Store).  All of that is 100% accurate.  Poor Kieffah was sitting on the ground on some form of a blue cushion that I’m sure was covered in bed bugs, Sake, and lack of ambition.  What I want to know is why Special K is more dressed up (khaki blazer) to go to jail than he was to go on those job interviews last season.  This is a question that we’ll never have an answer to.

In the end, Queen LaQueefer is all pissed off because even though he kicked in the side of Jenelle’s car he feels like he never hurt her.  He tries to give her a guilt trip about pressing charges against him and how he doesn’t deserve to go to jail over all of this.  Jenelle thinks she’s basically helping him out and, well, I think she’s just helping to make good television.  My favorite part was when he told Jenelle that if he has to serve jail time he doesn’t want anyone to send him letters at all.  Hahaha.  Brilliant.  You totally know Barb is back home cutting  out all different sized letters in multiple magazines to send him death threat letters (”If you evaaah touch my daughtaaah again…”).  As Kieffah waits for Roz from Night Court to come and get him he sits there with Jenelle sporting some white socks and sandals.  He says he doesn’t deserve this, but I beg to differ.  Thanks to the socks and sandals and the fact that he looks like 89% of the tourists in Times Square I think he should serve a minimum of 10 years.  I’d say he should be under house arrest, but the grassy knoll is still sans walls.

Leah -Surprise, surprise.  Leah needs to take another day off of work because the results from Ali’s MR-eyeeeee are finally in.  But these aren’t just any MR-eyeeee results.  Oh no. These are brain MR-eyyye results.  In fact, Leah is going to take the next 10 minutes to work in the words “brain MRI” as many times as she can into her conversation.  Any chance the results from this brain MR-eyeee can prove that both of her parents are goons?  I hope that’s in there somewhere.

Sadly, Leah doesn’t have anyone who can go to the doctor with her to get her brain MRI results.  Brain MRI.  Brain.  Corey can’t go because the toilets aren’t going to unclog themselves.  Her sister can’t go because she has a test that day.  And her mother can’t go because she apparently dyed her hair reddish-brown and can’t get the crunchy curls out of her hair.  Seriously she looks like Shirley Temple’s dead-behind-the-eyes slower sister.  So, Leah’s grandmother is going to go with her instead. And I’m pretty sure her grandmother is about 50.  She should have asked the camera man to go with her.  The rest of this crap is boring, so let’s get down to the results.  Drumroll please…….Ali’s brain is fine.  Phew!  She has one eye that’s good, but the other eye isn’t that great.  So, clearly, she can kiss her thriving career as a “winking model” goodbye.  A career cut down too soon.  The doctor does let Leah know that she should still go and see the Geneticist because they’re going to want to DNA the piss out of Leah and Corey’s entire family.  Imagine that family tree?  You totally know that we’re all going to find out that Corkey and Amanda are Leah’s great-grandparents or something.  Eh, life goes on.  See what I did there?

In the end, Leah calls Corey to trying to explain to him the difference between good news and bad news.  When she finally says that Ali’s brain is fine he just says, “Ok. Good.”  and then hangs up the phone.  He must have been busy bumping uglies with Joetta.  I’m sure he lets her wear the camo hat that must smell the same as Leah’s burnt hair and skin.  We’re getting Brain MR-Eyyyes, y’all!.

Kail – You know you’re too young to be a mother when in your voice-over you say things like, “I haven’t spoken to my mom since I gave her the remote control back.”  Kill yourself.  All of Kail’s scenes consist of her talking about birth control and then finally going to the doctor to find out what her options are.  Personally, I think if she just tapes a picture of Janet on her crotch that will keep the men at bay.  But, hey, that’s just me and I’m barely a doctor.  As a sidenote, I’m barely a human.

Once Kail heads out to see her doctor, Doctor Diddles McGlasses she does learn what all of her options are.  I wasn’t paying close attention because I was watching the doctor fidget and chatter his teeth while he spoke of things that Kail can shove up her glove compartment.  Since Kail can’t remember to take her birth control pill every day she decides to go with the kind of birth control that looks like a sling shot, is placed up the vagola, and can’t get you pregnant for 5 years.  I mean, sure, I’m sure if she lights up one cigarette while she has this thing in her, her head will explode off her body, but at least she won’t be with child.  And, not for nothing, but while the doctor was implanting that he should have quickly given her a chin implant too.  Like a buy one, get one free.  You know the kind.  Anychins, Kail was so psyched that she can’t get pregnant for 5 years that she immediately asked the doctor if she was protected the second it was put inside her (giggity).  She was like a chinless rabbit in heat.  Or a “chabbit” as I may sometimes refer to her as.

In the end, Jordan gets all shy about talking about slingshots and vags on camera but finally comes to terms with that fact that is you want to get inside of it, you need to be able to talk about it.  Kail can’t seem to understand why he’s so uncomfortable, but this is coming from a girl who just basically had a camera crew inches away from her Yahtzee bag.  No wonder why Suzi jitters.

Chelsea – I can’t.  Why does she think she’s the Snooki of South Dakota?  And did Adam kidnap the baby or no?  I don’t care.  See you on the back of a milk carton, Aubree.

Previous Teen Mom Recaps:
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!