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Teen Mom 2 Reunion: Pirate Mike Lands a Hooters Girl!

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It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for and by “waiting for” I of course mean “casually yawning whilst giving a little side-eye.”  It’s the “Teen Mom 2 Season 2 Reunion Part II:  Pitocin Boogaloo!”  As Kail would probably say after a typical mid-week visit sex shower, “that was a mouthful!”  Anychins, Dr. Drew is back and is per usual dressed like Paula Poundstone circa 1989.  Tip your 40 to lesbian-like 80’s comics.  Shoulderpads are clearly your friends.

Before we break out into groups we get to catch a glimpse of what all the “girls” look like today.  Leah’s hair, of course, looks like the back of a hens ass and her face looks like the front of a hen.  Her hair was so white that it looked like it hurt.  Albino’s everywhere are rolling their pink eyes and sweating profusely.  Spoiler Alert:  I know nothing about albinos except white hair.  Chelsea was a nice cocoa brown, lost a few pounds, and somehow tanned her lips.   Jenelle looks like she’s oddly not about to go on a stabbing spree and Kail’s chin is really glistening in the stage lights.  I love how fake everyone is when asked about their little brats.  “Oh they’re talking so much now!”  “Oh they’re so funny!”  Really?  Do they still Shasta McNasty in their pants because I’m pretty sure they do.  When Jenelle says that Jace is talking up a storm you know that’s code for “swears with a slight Boston accent.”  And Chelsea says Aubree is chatting a lot to and, while she didn’t say this, let’s all just assume she already beat Chelsea to the GED punch.  No whammies!

We kick off the one-on-one interviews with Jenelle.  Jenelle surprisingly looks well rested and I’m noticing some white solid substances in her mouth every once in a while.  I had to pause it a few times and finally realized it was teeth and she was smiling.  Thanks meds!  Jenelle is apparently doing really well ever since she left “the ‘hab.”  Oh, and she’s also turned into a professional Pinocchio.  You see, she’s still on and off with Special K and she claims it’s because he’s done some really good things for her and has always been there for her.  Sure.  I mean, he did show her new and innovative ways of entering the back seat of a car by being thrown into it and, well, I’m pretty sure he was there for her when he got let off the hook in court that one time and tap-danced by her when she was put on probation for a year.  Regardless, how can she resist his charms?  The fact that his whole face must smell like hooker crotch rot is only an added bonus.  It’s like the personal ad writes itself.

Sadly, however, Jenelle will be heading on down to the slammer because she tested positive for Marijuana cigarettes.  Womp womp.  It’s got to be so hard to “quit pot” like it’s so hard to “quit stamp collecting.”  Once you collect one stamp you just can’t stop.  I think it’s great that Jenelle will be in jail and I’m already putting in my prayers to Santa Christ and his teen mom, Mary, that she’ll be sharing a cell with Amber and all of this will be filmed for a new MTV show titled: “America’s Least Wanted.”  I hope MTV sources me in the credits.  I want to be the teenage mother version of Sally-Ann Salsano.  Look it up.  Anyhempbracelets, I envision Jenelle and Amber scissoring into the wee hours of the morning and fist-fighting all the live-long-day.  Perhaps they’ll also work on the railroad.  One may never know.  P.S., why do I picture Jenelle’s sentencing to be like watching an episode of Night Court with Judge Harry Stone?  Good God I hope Roz is there!

Some things, however, are going well for Jenelle.  She’s in school and on medicine to curb her bipolar disorder.  Oh, and she’s fighting with Barb a whole lot less.  I mean, Barb is still fighting with her, but she’s remaining dead-pan 8 out of 10 times.  The best part of the entire reunion is absolutely when Barb enters stage left.  She’s wearing a very flattering and exotic jungle-print silk dress.  Are those leaves?  Is that a Toucan I see?  It’s all part of the magic.  I had burst out laughing and sprang to life when Dr. Drew and his Weeble hair said to Barb that they seem a lot calmer.  To which Barb explains the house is more at peace because…wait for it…dead God…wait for it…do scissors…wait for it…Pirate Mike moved out…and has landed a Hooters waitress!  AMEN!  All of my dreams in life have come true! Barb then barrels over laughing and slurs how liberating it’s been with him out of the house.  Finally she can slice deli meat in the privacy of her own home and doesn’t need to sneak out to Walmart anymore to do so.  I’m not sure if it’s too soon, but those angels that Kevin Costner was talking about at Whitney’s funeral are the same ones, I believe, who just made this scene with Barb happen.  Insert a “ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it” played on the harp and sung by that little b*tch who won American’s Got Talent a year or two ago.  It’s like even Barb herself can’t believe her white trash luck that her white trash boyfriend white trash cheated on her with a white trash waitress who works at white trash Hooters.  Speaking of white trash, I wonder if Leah’s hair is sizzling in the green room?  Moving on.  All I know is that Barb is on the maaaaahhhket and I’m ready to place an order.  #SkypeMeSexy

Barb (genuflect) thinks that Jenelle is doing much better, but the fact that Kieffah is still around is really dragging her down, down, down (in her words).  She thinks rock bottom for Jenelle is spending time in jail, but I think rock bottom for Jenelle would be getting Barb’s haircut.  I think the judge should order that, stat.  After a few minutes of Barb basically trying to pick a fight with Jenelle, I quickly realize that Jenelle isn’t screaming and swearing back at her.  Hmmm.  Those meds must really work.  Perhaps I should try meds? Imagine what this site would be like if I was medicated?  Let’s never try that.  Shortly after, it’s time to play “Say Three Words That Describe Jenelle.”  This time around Barb is prepared with cue-cards.  She’s:  Generous, independent, and organized.  Yup, that’s what I think when I see her.  Love that organization.  She’s going to have the neatest cell in all the county jail!  Jenelle then says that Barb is funny, hardworking, and a good mom.  This makes Barb start to cry and then suddenly growl.  No joke.  Jenelle even said, “Oh God that growl” like she must do it on the regular.  That’s probably how she kept Pirate Mike’s hook at bay.

In the end Dr. Drew basically says that they’re both cured and they hug all whilst the Saved By the Bell audience is ushered in just in time for one loud, “Awwwwwww.”  Jenelle should have another baby.  Oh, know what I forgot to mention?  I like how after every commercial break, Dr. Drew came back with some wicked random horrible statistic.  No joke he was like, “Did you know that babies born to unwed teen moms are 17 times more likely to kill cats?”  It’s like dude, relax.  We’ll all kill a cat or two in our  lifetime regardless of the fact that our mom was or wasn’t married.  We will all kill cats, right?  Riiiiight?

Still awake?  Good, because Kail is up next.  Zzzz.  Zzzzz.  Wake up!  Things are going well for Kail and her chin since we last saw her. I’m kidding, she’s still be labeled “a whore” by the American public and some tricky parts of Canada.  Dr. Drew couldn’t care less about baby Issac so he decides to bring Jo out right off the bat.  For reasons that I can’t seem to get my mind around, Jo walks out on stage dressed like Bindi Irwin when she tried to have a “rap career” and made me red with secondhand embarrassment when she “performed” on The Today Show.  So many things wrong with that last sentence.  We learn that Kail and Jo knocked construction boots at least two times.  I think the silver lining in that statement is that we know they’ve at least showered twice in the past 6-months so, well, there’s that.  How does that old saying go? I believe it’s, “If Janet’s booty is shakin’ it’s time to make bacon!”  Ow ow!  Where’s the Saved By the Bell audience when I need them!?  Also, I have no idea what that means, but I’m almost certain I want to make a T-shirt.

Kail is still having a hard time deciding between Jo and Jordan, which is surprising because they both seem to have such zest for life!  At one point I thought I saw string and was watching Weekend at Bernie’s.  Regardless, Jordan apparently “wins” by default because Jo doesn’t want to be with Kail right now so she’s batting her eyelashes at Jordan.  He must feel great.  I know I usually say this about Chelsea, but this chick is bricks.  Suzi realllly must have F’d some S up when Kail was little.  Even though Jordan is pissed off, Kail keeps on with her whole, “I’m hurting too, you know!”  Oh are you?  The only thing hurting on Kail was her no-no in the shower.  And, not for nothing, but “I’m hurting too!” is almost as bad as “I hit you because I love you!”  P.S., we all know it’s really, “I hit you because you made pasta last night too!”  After Dr. Drew puts everyone on the spot and makes Kail decide immediately who she wants to be with, like this is an episode of Love Connection, she storms/gallops off stage crying and Jordan peaces out awkwardly up through the audience.  I was like, dude where ya going?  I’m pretty sure I saw a couple teen girls in the audience spread when he walked by like this was the Teen Mom audition process.

In the end, everyone is back on stage and just when we’re ready to wrap things up, we learn (with about 2 minutes left) that somehow Kail got an STD from Jo and passed it on to Jordan. It’s like the grown-up version of “Telephone!”  Que suerte!  Seriously, Dr. Drew should have stripped them all and scrubbed them with an S.O.S all whilst Barb sprinkled holy water on their privates.  And the scary part is that Kail is the one that voluntarily brought that up.  No one asked.  She just said it.  What happen to hiding and hanging your head in shame, you know, like most people do?  Teens.  They have a lot to learn!

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Past Teen Mom Recaps:
Who Gets Custody of the Puffy Leather Couch, Y’all?
The One Where You Have to Tell Your Mom You Was a Slut, Y’all!
I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Teen Mom 2 Season Finale: Who Gets Custody of the Puffy Leather Couch?

Jenelle - Welcome to the latest edition of “Fauxlebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and His Obsessive Need to Only Wear T-shirts Under His Blazer.”  It’s a working title.  That lil b*tch of a daughter, Jenelle, is living it up at “the ‘hab” and is ready to get her life back on track, but not before a female nurse with wet spikes is going to go through her personal belongings to make sure she didn’t pack a hatchet or Kieffah with her.  I had to admit I love when ladies are rocking a spiked hairdo.  It really says, “I’ve completely given up.”  It also says, “Scissors tonight.”  As one of the other nurses is counting out the 17 packs of Newports (which is odd for Jenelle to be smoking since Newports are usually more of an inner city smoke) she comes across some Marijuana cigarette remains.  Jenelle very matter of fact says, “Those are blunt wrappers.”  I always assumed a “blunt wrapper” was Flava Flav, but apparently I’m wrong.  Also, it’s stupid that you don’t pronounce the “w” when a word begins with “wr.”  I’m going to try and change that.  And don’t even get me going on the “ph.”  So dumb.

Within minutes Jenelle is brought into therapy, which is awesome because you totally know they’re going to make her point on the Barb doll where the bad man touched her when she was little.  Is that never not funny?  Hell is going to be a real treat.  I’m hoping to see many of you there.  I’m kidding.  I will see all of you there.  Therapy is instantly working because she tells her doctor that even though she’s smoked weeeeeeed every day for six years it’s not a problem for her…she’s just pissed that she’s not allowed to smoke it for one year.  Oh, and also, it’s illegal.  And smoking for 6 years?  So she started when she was 12?  You want to know what I was doing at 12?  Not growing pubic hair.  I mean, at 12 you should still be playing with toys and wearing metal braces.  Ugh.  Kids.  Meanwhile, at another therapy session we learn that (1) Jenelle has a brother (is that code for “Pirate Mike?”) and (2) he is bipolar and has schizophrenia.  To sum up, he’s a real hoot.  The doctor wants her to fill out a questionnaire to figure out if she too is bipolar.   I think it would be just as effective to find the same answer in a fortune cookie.  “You’re clinically nuts.  Lucky Numbers: 7, 13, 24, 42, 59.”

In the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Jenelle breaks down and cries to her therapist that she’s pissed off because she can’t smoke and she’s bored.  How can there be nothing to do in rehab?  Why not try out cutting?  Her therapist looks at her like maybe Barb really is right and this chick is bricks like the rest of ‘em.  When the therapist asks Jenelle to use three words to describe herself she answers with:  Impulsive, smart, angry.  Wrong!  We all know the answer to that question is ALWAYS:  Easy, breezy, beautiful. Luckily after two weeks Jenelle is starting to do a little bit better and because of that she gets her phone and computer privileges back!  Phew!  She’s just in time to get 2 weeks worth of text messages from Queen LaQueefer and a special phone call from him.  Since she’s off “the weed” and on “the meds” she’s a little more level headed and she decides to tell Special K that they shouldn’t see each other anymore.  Why she’s given up her ultimate dream of living a life on the grassy knoll is beyond me.  Special K ends up telling Jenelle that he’s moving on and then immediately hangs up the phone.  Something tells me he’ll be knocking on Leah’s trailer door (y’all) by next season.

Our heroine keeps making progress in rehab and the therapist thinks it’s a good time to have the both of them call Barb in the bungalow.  I, too, think this is a good time.  When they tell Barb that Jenelle might be bipolar Barb just says, “Well I always thought you had the bipolar.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  They end up fighting a little over the phone and by the time they hang up I’m pretty sure the therapist is ready to diagnose Barb too.  Later, we all get a treat for “the eyes” when Jenelle gets to Skype with Barb and we see Barbarella in a little yellow tank-top with her beloved rack hanging out.  And you know that Mike tries to pull that tank top down with his hook.  “Let me see ye treasure chest, arrrg!”  That’s how I pretend Pirate Mike talks in my head.  Not for nothing my dream in life is to now be able to Skype with Barb.  How intense would that be!  I bet her Skype screen-name is “Meme6969.”  Awesome.

In the end, Jenelle is “cured” and is checking on out of “the ‘hab” and ready to fly back home.  She’s greeted at the airport by Barb and Jace with matching haircuts.  I’m not joking, they both have spikes.  I love it.  I picture Barb going to the barber, sits down on the chair, and simply says, “One boys regulaaah, please.”  Barb, of course, looks as handsome as ever and, per usual, is sporting her blue top one last time for us.  Personally I felt like this was her way of sending me a special message.  I read ya loud and clear, Barb, loud and clear!  After munching on a hamburger as she drives, they all end up back home and we’re all welcomed with a giant “no trespassing” sign on the front window.  Once again, I feel like that’s a special message just for me.  Jenelle was nice enough to buy a leather jacket for Jace because, you know, that makes any kind of sense and she also bought Barb a giant white hoodie sweatshirt that says “Hollywood” across it.  I’m almost certain that goes against the dress code at Walmart, but maybe she can wear it on the weekend when she isn’t working at Walmart, but just simply shopping at Walmart.  In closing, I really hope Jenelle gets her life in order.  I say that knowing that she hasn’t and has probably been arrested 6 times since I started typing this, but at the end of the day I’m really only interested in the life of Barb and, well, if I don’t one day see her on an episode of Hoarders I will have failed at life.

Leah – Hey y’all we is divorcin’!  I’m not sure what goes on down in West Virginia, but the one thing I do know is that apparently in their newspaper they have a section that specifically talks about who’s getting divorced that week.  I’m sure directly after that there’s an article from a man who’s interviewed his toaster.  Corey reads this “news” in the paper and calls his friend to let him know that he’s getting a divorce, y’all!  He ends up taking off his wedding ring which I find not sad at all.  In fact, I think if Leah were to also take hers off they could totally combine them together with some chicken-wire and make some funky metal glasses for the the one with the goggles.  Always. Be. Thinking.

Meanwhile, Leah is still going to move into her trailer even though she spent all her money on her law-yuh.  Lucky for her, her mom and “Lee” is going to loan her the money and she can just pay them back later.  She should sell one of her kids on the black market in order to make this all work out.  You wanna buy one of my babies, y’all?  The CraigsList ad basically writes itself.  More importantly, Leah’s mom has red Kool-Aid streaks in her hair and she looks like Kelly Clarkson circa 2001 Idol auditions.  You know, I think I may have solved the poverty issue in West VA.  Stop spending so much money on your hair!  I mean, where are you going really?  Later, Leah breaks down and cries when her mom decides to spring it on her that her wedding album finally came in the mail.  Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just pick up a copy of Us Weekly?  Or she could have read this here blog.  I had some real nice cut-and-paste pictures from the wedding.  Either way, she just cries and cries in her mothers bosom.  I was waiting her for start screaming, “I slutted, Momma, I slutted!”

In “awesome news” we learn that Leah’s trailer cost…wait for it…wait for it…$3,000.  I don’t even know if that’s American dollars or if they’re still using Confederate currency.  I have no clue.  I used to just draw pictures in my Social Studies book, I never paid attention.  Plus, I never knew the difference between Social Studies and History.  I know one talked a lot about Harriet Tubman so, well, there’s that.  Later, Leah struggles with having to deal with only being able to give Cory the kids via the law-yuh.  She should just leave them there, put a motor on the trailer, and just move on with her life.  I’m kidding.  I’ll take them.  We’ll go to the circus and the like.  Leah ends up getting really deep when she’s chatting on the porch with her sister about her marriage.  She ends up saying, “This was a marriage that lead to divorce.”  Wow.  Really?  I’m pretty sure this was a marriage that secured your spot on Season 3 of Teen Mom 2.  Moreover, I wish she would stop crying because if I have to see her man-hands on her face one more time I’m going to puke up my sandwich.

In the end, Leah ends up having to go to Corey’s house to pick up the girls (after the dropped them off for Corey at the law-yuh) and she’ll also be taking all her stuff back, so Lee’s there to pack up the truck.  This basically turns into the most white trash version of The Price is Right ever.  I mean, I’m watching people haul puffy leather couches out the door.  I’m watching dirty spoons being divided up.  I’m watching bed bugs eat at everyones skin.  My favorite part, however, was when they were trying to see what happens with the washer and dryer and ultimately decide that Leah will get the washer and Corey will get the dryer.  I think it would have been safer to wash the twins in the washing machine instead of that nasty tub in the basement, but that’s just me.  I’m innovative.  And what is Corey going to do with a dryer?  Eh, maybe he’ll tumble-dry his camo hat so it sheds some additional strings.  It’s nice to have goals.  Before leaving, Leah has yet another breakdown and is crying on the disgusting dirty floor with her bare feet on the rug all while garbage and swill is sprawled to and fro.  She keeps saying, “I don’t want this!”  Well maybe if she brought her vag to the geneticist they would have sewn it shut and she wouldn’t have had “the sex” with Robbie and his lip ring.  Leah runs out of the house with her LC mascara running down her face and quickly buckles the twins into the car and takes off into the sunset with Lee.  You totally know she was doing road head on the ride back to her $3K trailer.  I miss those crunchy curls, y’all!

Kail – It’s the aftermath of the Cowardly Lion and Rizzo the Rat rubbing their extremely unattractive (and most likely, chinless) private parts against each other in the heat of the moment, you know, after reading Humpty Dumpty to a child.  Technically this should make the both registered sex offenders, but that’s only my rules and, well, my rules don’t become laws.  Unless I become Mayor of this blog and then I’m pretty sure it will.  I truly believe this is how laws are made.  Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Kail is telling her friend, who I assume is actually Nikki Blonsky, that things “went too far” between her and Jo.  If by “too far” she really means “Janet sat in the corner and scrapbooked whilst they had sex” then, yes, things went too far.  Nikki Blonsky thinks this is the most scandalous thing  that Kail has told her since she said  that she was pregnant.  I think this is the most scandalous thing Kail has said since she told Dorothy she was looking for courage and did a little jig up the yellow brick(s) road.

Jo, on the other hand, is telling his side of the story and it’s a bit more detailed than Kail’s telling of the story.  Apparently things went down like this, “We read Issac a story, put him to bed, and then had sex in the shower.”  Good god.  Imagine seeing her hair wet in the shower?  You totally know it must get caught in both her ass crack and vag crack.  Speaking of crack, I miss Suzi.  And why is Jo and his brother just sitting in an almost empty garage?  He’s like Ryan from Teen Mom 1, but with more street cred because of, you know, the “rapping career.”  Meanwhile, Kail decides it’s time to tell poor dumb Jordan that she knocked boots with Jo during his week day visit (#TeenMomProblems).  I like the fact that when she told Jordan, she made it seem like he doesn’t understand what she goes through.  And, not for nothing, but she’s kinda being a b*tch to him.  Oh Kail, you’re as crazy as your crazy mother.  And she keeps telling Jordan that through this all “good results came out of it.”  Is that code for “the sex was good?”  Yuck.  Jordan packs up the few of this belongings and storms out of the “house” all whilst not closing the door behind him.  I love when people do that.  It’s a last minute “F you” by keeping that door open.  It totally says, “Yeah, I left that door ajar.  Now you need to close it.  So there.”

In the end, Jo comes over to chat with Kail and she tells him that now that Jordan is out of her life she wants to be with a real-life rapper instead.  To my shock, Jo says that he’s just “living life” and isn’t looking for a girlfriend and basically doesn’t want to be with the Cowardly Lion.  I guess he was just in it for the shower sex, something that Leah and Corey were never able to do because…you know…they couldn’t both fit in it.  By the way I definitely think that “I’m just living my life” should be the name of Jo’s next “rap” song.  Kail ends her season by crying and saying she now knows how Jo feels when he wanted to be with her and she didn’t want to be with him.  Somewhere wearing a Loony Tunes t-shirt with Bugs Bunny’s face on the front and the back of Bugs Bunny’s head on the back, Janet’s mustache is smiling ear to ear.

Chelsea – More orange, less GED.

Well folks, that wraps up another season of Teen Mom 2.  We laughed, we didn’t cry, we recrapped the sh*t out of it.  So, if you liked the recaps, click on the Recommend button and share this with your friends.  Oh, and speaking of friends join me on my Facebook page and let’s get through the lack of Teen Mom together.  Like a support group for “the poors.”

Related Teen Mom Links:
The One Where You Have to Tell Your Mom You Was a Slut, Y’all!
I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Teen Mom 2: The One Where You Have to Tell Your Mom You Was a Slut, Y’all!

Jenelle – You gotta love an episode that kicks things off with a little b*tchfest between Barbarella and Jenelle!  Could they be fighting over the fact that they can barely afford their mortgage?  No.  Could they be fighting over the fact that Jace has ruined both of their lives?  Nope.  They’re simply fighting over where in the holy hell Jenelle’s pants are.  Apparently Barb has washed them for her and placed them somewhere but, ooops, she can’t seem to remember where.  When Jenelle asks about them Barb spouts out, “Shut yaw God damn mouf, Jenelle!”  Ahhh Barb.  Her sweet soft voice soothes my soul and makes my junk spring to life.  Am I sharing too much?  While she’s looking for her pants I’m shocked she’s hasn’t put out an A.P.B on her blue crusty hoodie.  I mean, I alone have already put a picture of it on every milk carton this side of the Mason Dixon in hopes that someone will see it and bring it back into our lives, like a modern version of Savannah Smiles.  As a sidenote, my sister and I used to watch Savannah Smiles on our VCR until the tape was about to bust.  Kidnapping always seemed like it was so fun and some real adventure in the countryside.  Oh Bootsie.  Moving on.

Jenelle, who I’m pretty sure hasn’t smiled once since her 16 & Pregnant episode 2 years ago, is under court order to not hang out with any of her friends who have pending drug charges or takes drugs.  That pretty much sums up everyone in her life…including Barb’s boyfriend, Mike.  Notice how we haven’t seen him in a spell and haven’t experienced anything Pirate-related in a while?  Not just a coincidence, my friends (oh yeah!).  She is, however, able to call her druggies on the phone and chit chat all the live-long-day like it’s a 1980’s party-line.  She, of course, calls Queen LaQueefer.  I’m surprised they don’t communicate via two tin cans and a real long strong that makes its way all the way to the grassy knoll.  Regardless, Jenelle decides that the best thing for her and her dirty lover to do is to break up.  Gulp.  I’ll give everyone a moment to wipe the tears from their cheeks and chisel away the skidmarks from their underwear.  It’s fine.  I’ll wait.  Ready?  Ok, Special K agrees that they should break up, but wants Jenelle to know that it will take “years” to get over her.  Hahaha.  Oh Keiffah.  Just by the one statement alone I know that “yaw high/high.”  You totally know that the second he hangs up he’s going to let that random chick on the knoll finish bobbing for apples in his lap.  Crab apples, most likely, but apples of some sort nonetheless.

Per usual, Jenelle is at her breaking point because she’s hardcore addicted to marijuana cigarettes.  For real.  Since she can’t smoke it (court ordered) for one year she’s pretty much ready to murder-suicide the piss out of Barb’s bungalow.  I mean, can you really be addicted that badly to weed?  Isn’t that sorta like my addiction to lime seltzer water?  Same/same.  Sure I can shank someone over it, but I’m sure I can stop at any time.  Either way, Jenelle needs to have a little sit-down with Barb to chat about all things addiction and realizes that she should probably go to rehab so she can finally get off the drug that can be legally prescribed to people with glaucoma, I believe.  Oh, and Joan Rivers.  You’re basically “hooked on the junk” that Joan Rivers has done on an episode of her reality show.  There are so many things wrong with that sentence.  Eh, circle gets the square.  Barb gets all misty-eyed when she talks about Jenelle getting her life back on track.  I’m sure she probably got a little misty in her underpants too because she’s finally going to get some much needed private time with Pirate Mike and his (wink wink) hook.  She’ll likely yell out things in the heat of the moment like, “Yaw a god damn animal Mike!”  and “Arrrrrg I love yaw pirate ways you tall drink of wataaah!”  And the like.

Jenelle is bricks and, therefore, needs to go see her lawyer multiple times this episode so she can figure out how the hell to go to rehab.  Not that I  think that rehab is a waste for Jenelle, but couldn’t she just shadow Barb at her job at Walmart for the weekend?  That would scare her straight, I’d assume.  You wanna slice deli meat in a blue shirt every day until retirement (which will most likely be at the age of 76 by the time Jenelle is eligible) you lil b*tch like Barb? Well then stop smoking pot!  At least kick it up to meth or something.  I mean, I wanna see a complete facial change by season 3.   I guess it makes sense that Jenelle did visit her lawyer about this whole rehab situation because apparently after a little time has passed, he’s got her a scholarship to a rehab in California.  I’m going to repeat that.  Jenelle got a “scholarship” to rehab.  Scholarship.  Does that exist?  Does this mean in return she has to play basketball for them or something?  I’m confused by most things in life, but this the most.

In the end, things get a little sad for Jenelle…and America, but mainly because Barb turns into a blubbering mess.  It’s just hours away from Jenelle flying out to California for her rehab stint and two things really stand out to me.  (1) Barb is dressed like a stick-ball player on the streets of Brooklyn circa 1945 and (2) why does Jenelle have some sort of cast on for a hot minute?  It’s never referenced.  Let’s just all assume Barb twisted it back whilst trying to make a citizens arrest.  My favorite part, of course, was how hours before Jenelle is leaving for “the ‘hab” Barb is celebrating with a glass of red wine.  She is legit so excited.  I bet she’s doubling down on Jenelle leaving in 4 hours and the plane exploding mid air.  When Jenelle has to say bye to Jace I thought it would be sad, but he was basically like “See ya, b*tch!”  Things got real when it was time to say bye to Barb and Barb just cries over and over again.  She says she’s going to miss Jenelle, but is certainly not going to miss the “dramaaaaa.”  Oh Barb, I’ll miss you!  It was great how this went from a typical episode of Teen Mom and morphed into a standard episode of Intervention, including the tearful goodbye outside of the cab with a lot of “bye’s!” being yelled from inside the cab when the person outside the cab can’t hear you.  Combining Teen Mom and Intervention was, clearly, the only direction to go in.  Me gusta.  Me gusta all of it.

Leah – Hey y’all!  I’m signin’ my divorce papers in bubble-letters, y’all!  Things get real and real quick when Corey confronts Leah right off the bat about a little rumor that he’s heard about her.  Apparently, Leah has a problem with her legs too, y’all!  She can’t keep ‘em closed.  Someone dial up the geneticist because she’s might have some form of dysplasia of the vagina, y’all!  Ok, I’m done with the “y’all!” (y’all!).  Just 1 week before Leah got married to a real life woodchuck, she let another man set up shop in her vagiola.  She had sex.  And she did it with that kid Robbie.  You may remember him from Leah’s episode of 16 & Ouchies and also remember him from Leah’s first affair.  As Corey confronts Leah, she just keeps typing away on her pink cell phone with her pink (gross) nails.  Corey suddenly starts to cross-examine Leah by asking her brilliant questions like, “Was yous ring on y’alls fingers?”  And my other favorite, “Was you lookins at its?”  If I were Leah I would have been like, “Are you giving me a recipe for easy to bake blueberry muffins because I have no clue what you’re saying.”  Seriously, I’m buying a ticket to Western Vagina and packing a suitcase full of flashcards for this one.  We’re doing things like “2 x 2″ and “Picture Association.”  We’ll get to things about “Subject/Predicate/Preposition” on the next trip.  However, Leah comes clean that she cheated on Corey a week before the wedding because she was “drunk” and Corey was “distant” and they were “fighting” before the wedding.  Way to put all the blame on the woodchuck and your six pack of Seagrams.  At this point, Leah is crying and morphing into our beloved Lauren Conrad with makeup and tears running all down her face.  She looks like a raccoon in heat, which is fitting because I’m pretty sure that after the divorce she’ll be eating out of the garbage like a raccoon too.  I’m kidding. Clearly, she’s already doing that.

After more crying and more ugly crying (see: Farrah) and saying that she never wanted to hurt Corey and she still loves him (and Corey crying all whilst keeping his mouth ajar the whole time) they end the white trash fight in the only way that white trash really knows…which is by asking, “So are you still going to move into the trailer with me?”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  I literally shouted out, “YES, JESUS!” as soon as I heard that.  Sadly, Corey doesn’t know if he’s going to move into the trailer with his sex-crazed wife and needs some space for the time being so Leah and the babies are going to stay with Leah’s mom.  Leah’s mom thinks she’s staying there because the trailer isn’t ready yet, but she has no clue her daughter doubled-down on some ex-boyfriend dinky 7 days before she got married at the local VFW all whilst the camera crew from US Weekly was there taking pictures and, you know, paying them for all this.

Meanwhile, Corey is at home and having some sort of conversation with his look-alike dad about the whole situation.  I actually have no idea what they’re talking about because I can barely understand a thing they’re saying.  At one point I thought my TV was on that SAP option that happens from time to time.  I mean, MTV, if you’re not going to provide subtitles for “the poors” it’s going to be tough to follow along.  Corey’s dad thinks he’s making the right decision by not getting back with Leah (that whore!) and even offers up his own divorce lawyer to help out with the situation.  Eh, I guess that beats Googling for a lawyer which, of course, is what Leah has to do in a few more minutes.  Speaking of which, I love how Leah is telling her friend about cheating on Corey and her friend looks like she can “catch skank” by simply hearing this conversation.  Even through the conversation, Leah still pretty much makes it seem like it was all Corey’s fault.  I can’t wait for Dr. Drew and his Weeble hair to get a hold of this one.  Someone cue the “ugly cry” because it’s going to be happening again for sure.

Shortly after the conversation with her friend, Leah does finally hear from Corey again…but via text.  He won’t return any of her calls but is ok with communicating via short-easy-to-read messages which is fine with me because at least I can finally understand what the hell he’s saying.  Over text he ends up saying that he doesn’t love her anymore and he’s getting a lawyer.  Now we didn’t read the word “lawyer” but Leah said it out loud.  Actually she said, “law-yuh.”  Like it was two words.  “He’s got a law-yuh.”  At first I was like, is that an STD that Leah gave to Corey?  And you know what?  I just may be.  It. Just. May. Be.

Leah ends up having to spill the beans to her mom that she is basically a slut.  In fact, she basically had to admit to everyone that she was a skank this whole episode.  Put a cork in it, y’all!  The whole time Leah is on the porch telling her mom what happened, I can’t help but notice that she’s sporting a Kim Zolciak fright wig.  It’s like she’s all ready in hiding.  Her mom is actually pretty nice about the whole thing and hugs Leah after she tells her she had another mans bait in her tackle box.  But, per usual, Leah still throws Corey under the bus and says that they hadn’t had sex in a week and so Robbie was there for her…peniley, I suppose.  Her mom agrees that Leah also needs to get a “law-yuh” because she’s got to protect those babies!  In the end, Leah ends up Googling “law-yuh” in West Virginia and sets up a meeting to discuss the situation.  My favorite part is when she needs to tell the lawyer that she’s only been married for 6-months and you can actually hear the lawyer sigh over the phone.  Brilliant.  We learn that Corey has not, in fact, filed for divorce yet, but the lawyer ends up basically forcing Leah to file and so she signs the petition papers in typical bubble letters and cries her way out of the office.  She should give her kids up for adoption too.  That way she’ll have more time for “the banging.”  You know how that saying goes.  “If the trailer is rockin’….it was probably a FEMA trailer and is probably covered in asbestos.”  At least that’s how I think that saying goes.

Kail – I’m keeping this one short, as when MTV puts this show on for 90 minutes it makes me want to pull a Jenelle/Barb fight with myself in my apartment.  All we need to know is that there is a little love connection sparking up between the Cowardly Lion and Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets.  You see, it all starts because Jo wants to add a visit to Kail and Issac/Isaac during the week because his weekends are getting a little busy because he’s….wait for it…wait for it….take a shot of pitocin….wait for it…slap your own ass…wait for it…has a music video shoot coming up.  Hooray!  If this video doesn’t consist of Janet in “Hammer pants” with a Hypercolor T-shirt and big hoop earrings doing the Running Man for 30 seconds followed by the Roger Rabbit for 30 seconds I’m going to be bullsh*t!  And if any of you try to pretend Janet isn’t really Nenah Cherry, 20 years later, you’re sadly mistaken.  I mean, you totally know Janet was rocking the Buffalo Stance.  You know it, I know it, and Janet’s ’stache knows it.

Jordan is all freaked out by these “during the week” visits and at first I couldn’t figure out why, but then quickly realized that Kail may have the same vaginal disease that Leah has.  She can’t keep things out of it.  Allegedly.  The flirting starts off slowly with a “feel my heart…no really, feel it.  Feel it.  Feel my heart.”  Last time I checked your heart isn’t down your underpants.  Maybe it is.  I’ll check.  Nope. It isn’t.  But I did find a penis down there.  It says hello.  Regardless, all this awkward flirting must be paying off because Jo has decided to forget about his appeal to pay less child support.  Seriously, Kail must have a magical vag!  Jordan gets pissed off that Jo is coming over during the week and Kail doesn’t ease his fears because she’s admitting that it does increase the chances that she’ll have feelings for him again.  That’s nice.  Gotta love these girls who grew up without a daddy.  Oh, and please don’t send me hate-mail.  I’m sure not everyone who grew up without a dad tries to find acceptance from all sorts of men, but I’m pretty sure that I’m right.  And that’s not based on statistics or studies.  Nope.  It’s just based on me reeeeaaaalllly thinking it so that must make a fact, right?

As a bonus we got to hear a snippet of Jo rapping via Kail’s phone.  Love it.  If I close my eyes I can almost hear Janet beat-boxing the sh*t out of it in the background.  God I love that woman.  Seriously.  Jo comes over one more time to spend a little time with Issac/Isaac and possibly dip his ding dong in Kail cup-o-milk.  You can cut the sexual tension with a knife (probably the one that’s in Jordan’s back) after they’re reading Humpty Dumpty to the baby.  Must have been all the times they had to read the word “Humpty” out loud.  In the end they put Issac/Isaac to bed and Jo asks Kail if he should leave and she says he can stay…and then they close the bedroom door!  Oh snap!  They must have successfully seen the wizard, but the Cowardly Lion certainly got some courage that night!  See what I did there?

Chelsea – Still doesn’t have her GED.

So.  Here we are again.  Why not join me on my Facebook page where all the fun really happens.  You know you want to.  Tell a friend.  Spread the word.  Click the “Recommend” button and let’s make this recap spread around the Interweb as much as Leah has spread prior to marriage.

More Teen Mom Fun:
I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Teen Mom 2 Recap: I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!

Jenelle – Things are going really well for Jenelle ever since she moved out of Barb(ie)’s Dream House.  I, of course, am joking.  Her life is in absolute ruins.  Since she no longer lives with her loving, soothing, calming mother, Barb decides that she wants Jenelle to start paying child support.  Me gusta how they’re like a divorced couple with a baby.  All I know is that the MTV checks must have cleared in the trash dumps bank accounts because everyone seems to have some new clothes!  It must have been the best shopping spree at both DOTS and Fashion Bug.  Barb is dolled up wearing a deep brown v-neck sweater with new turtleneck underneath and a very feminine brown baseball cap on top of her sexy fire-bush-red hair or “pelo” for my Spanish speaking readers.  She basically looks like she’s about a pair of chunky shoes away from a little muff-diving experiment if ya know what I mean and I think ya do because I’m an idiot.  But Barb isn’t the only one who has gone all Spring Fashion 2012 on our asses.  Our beloved Queen LaQueefer has temporarily turned in his moldy green hoodie for a new prison-striped hoodie.  I give them credit on even knowing where to look for the latest fashion inspiration considering Avril Lavigne hasn’t put out a video in a spell.

After their big Social Services hearing, we learn that Jenelle has to pay Barb $30.00/week in child support.  That should be easy for Barb to remember since it actually equals 5lbs of honey baked ham sliced thin at the Walmart deli counter.  Jenelle seems like she couldn’t really care less about having to pay Barb, but that’s mainly because she and Special K have been fighting again on the regular.  Barb tries to provide Jenelle some helpful words of wisdom like, “Have a lil maw self respect faw yawself, Jenelle.”  Jenelle takes in all the advice by screaming at Barb to “shut the F up” and the like.  Poor Barb.  I always feel so bad for her.  You see, she has this lil b*tch of a daughtah (that’s you) and Barb can barely party her own ass off anymore because she has to take care of Jace.  I love how MTV always shows quick little clips of Barb taking care of Jace like she is actually one of the Teen Moms.

Things take a turn for the worse for our heroine during her ride with Special K.  You see, he’s very busy texting on his phone but with whom we do not know.  In fact, Jenelle doesn’t know either and whilst driving she basically tries to wrestle the phone away from him.  Apparently Jenelle could tell that the number that he’s texting has a 508 area code which immediately made me squeal with delight.  Everyone knows (probably not) that a 508 area code resides in the sunny state of Massachusetts.  And, hmmmm, I wonder who on this show has a Boston-like accent?  BARB!  You totally know Barb has a secret cell phone with a 508 area code and she’s sexting Keiffah pictures of her boobs…and more!  She probably arranges for Kieffah to come over dressed as a pirate (for Mike) and then the three of them get naked and roll around on piles and piles of deli meat scattered to and from.  No?  Just my theory?  Fine.   Either way, Special K tries to convince Jenelle that he’s just texting “some dude who messaged him on Facebook.”  Yeah, nice save.  This enrages Jenelle, who always seems to get equally mad when people ask her basic questions, and just as Kieffah is about to “tuck and roll” out of the car she steps on the gas and we finally experience the “Thelma and Louise” moment that this series has clearly been missing for 2 seasons.  Jenelle is just screaming “I’m so maaaaaaaad!” while she is going about a good buck-20 down the freeway.  I find myself with both arms up in the air in a victory stance and constantly chanting, “Keep driving Thelma!”  Sadly they don’t go off a cliff and Kieffah gets out and walks alone to his grassy knoll for what I can only assume will be beauty-sleep related.

Once Jenelle is back at Tori’s House-o-Horror we learn that Special K was actually texting his ex-girlfriend (cough cough Barb cough cough).  He shows her the evidence which is texts where he’s telling his ex that he doesn’t want to hear from her anymore.  Per usual Jenelle doesn’t go to extremes and instead asks Kieffah if he’s going to marry his ex and have children with her. Yup, that’s normal.  I’m sure they’ll spend their honeymoon at “Sweepstakes.”  As the fighting ensues, Tori is pulling a “Sneaky Pete” and hiding around the corner watching and listening to their argument.  Jenelle ends up storming out of the room and slamming the bathroom door a good 5-10 times, punching it, and screaming.   Totally diddled as a youth.  What seems like moments  later, Jenelle starts being a big b*tch to Tori and Tori isn’t having it at all and wants Jenelle to move the hell to the out.  I like how during this part of the fight Jenelle is playing the role of Barb and Tori is playing the role of Jenelle.  Hello, pot?  Meet the kettle.  You’re both rust buckets.  At least that’s how I think the old saying goes.  Either way Jenelle is letting Tori know that most of the stuff in the apartment is hers and that she’s taking both the couches, to which Tori screams (from another room), “I’ve got couches!!”  Meth is a tricky b*tch, isn’t she?

In the end, Jenelle busts into Tori’s room that, once again, looks like the traditional set of Hoarders and wants to collect her clothes back from Tori.  Uh, yeah, because at the end of the day Jenelle wears anything more than one blue A&F hoodie.  Suddenly, Tori loses her sh*t, demands Jenelle get out of the house immediately, and then just starts beating Jenelle with drumsticks.  Why she’s walking around with drumsticks is beyond me.  The girls start rolling around in piles of clothes, dirt, and regret all whilst pulling their hair and saying things like, “You’re being an idiot right now.”  Meanwhile, Tori’s boyfriend lunges at Special K and those two go at it for a bit.  Overall the entire length of the fight took about 11 seconds.   Jenelle ends it by screaming for everyone to leave her alone all whilst pulling at her own hair like a bad 80’s music video starring Pat Benatar.  Such angst.  Such trash.  Such 11 seconds of priceless entertainment.

Leah – Hey y’all we is movin’!  It’s time for another episode of “Meet the Bumpkins.”  I can’t even begin to believe that all of Corey and Leah’s scenes consisted of fighting over buying a trailer or a truck.  I mean they call it “a house” but we all know the truth.  When you’re trying to figure out if you should spend $9,000 on your “house” or replace your truck you might as well be living in a cave with the cast of The Goonies.  Apparently there is some land for sale (y’all) and Leah and Corey are going to check it out to see if they’ll be able to put their mobile home on it.  I believe it’s on a mudslide and is surrounded with West Virginian crack dens.  The best part is that Leah tries to act all concerned and smart and actually asks Corey’s friend about the neighborhood and says (gulp), “Is the schools goods here’s?”  Oh yeah, they is good.  I hear if you make it past the first grade you automatically become a geneticist.

Leah and her hair that is whiter than an albino’s crotch is settling with the fact that she’s going to be a “coal miners wife” but Corey ends up deciding that he no longer wants a “new house” but needs to replace his 4-month old truck instead.  He should replace is 4-month old wife as well because she’s friggin’ bricks.  What I want to know is that if their “dream home” is $9,000 what in the holy hell do they live in now?  I’m convinced it’s a cardboard box with wood paneling.  Unfortunately, Leah no longer wants to live there because when she has to, and I quote, “bath-ing the babies” it’s really gross down in the basement…where the shower is…because that’s where it is in all houses?

Leah and her sissy take the babies down in the basement to give them some bath-ing and there is a huge spider in the tub that Leah steps on with her boat-shoes and then tries to rinse the blood and guts away.  Her sister had the same boat shoes on and, well, that’s just dumb.  As if this bath-ing experience (y’all) couldn’t get any worse, apparently there is no shower-head so Leah needs to reach all the way up to the ceiling to turn on the water nozzle.  Yes, folks, you saw that correctly.  The same way you wash your car in the driveway is the same way that Leah give her kids a bath.  Squeaky clean!  Here’s my question.  Uh, is this where Corey and Leah shower too?  No wonder why her hair is so damn white.  By the time she can reach the nozzle her hair dye has gone from blond to “burn your scalp, y’all, white.”  P.S., it must be really fun for the kids to take a bath when their mom is screaming at them to not touch anything.  Sorry, but forget the geneticist because I’m pretty sure I solved this mystery!

In the end, Corey and Leah continue to fight about trucks and trailers, as I assume you do in the south, and Leah’s parents (sister and brother moles) decide they’ll help her find a trailer that she can have all to herself.  Corey, clearly, still has his mind on getting a truck as when he rolls up in the dirt-driveway we see that he made his own “For Sale” sign for his front window.  I was shocked he spelled almost the whole thing correctly.  I loved how Leah tells Corey how hard it is to be bath-ing the babies in the basement because when it rains it floods and “mildews.”  I hate with things just “mildews.”  That hair dye has made it’s way all the way to the brain y’all!  Time for another brain MReyyyyye!

Kail – Dear Jesus, please just make this all stop.  The chinless Cowardly Lion received a copy of the letter that Jo sent to Social Services so he can appeal his child support payments. Yes it was written and read like a letter to Santa.  At one point he not only says he thinks he has to pay too much, but also mentions that Kail should get a better job and not just stay where her boyfriend works.  If Judge Judy ever got a hold of that appeal letter she would rip Jo such a new asshole that we’d actually find Janet’s backup weave in there.  Allegedly.  I think I’m supposed to say that so I don’t get sued or, worse yet, forced to shave off Janet’s mustache in a court of law.  More importantly, whilst Kail is reading this letter to Issac/Isaac (who is in his very own room-prison) I noticed that she seems to have gimp bracelets braided into her hair.  Now I know that some of “the kids” have feather extensions, but I’m pretty sure Kail’s was gimp.  Also, I miss Suzi.  I’m glum without her shaking and twitching.

Kail ends up having to get  lawyer because Jo says he “may” get one and she should be prepared.  Her lawyer, of course, did not disappoint as most reality-tv lawyers don’t.  I believe her name was Catherine, but she went by Kate (?) which was extremely fitting since she literally had Kate Gosselin’s original spiked hairdo with matted down side bangs.  She was, in not so many words, a treat.  She pretty much just read the appeal letter from Jo to Kail and told her that she’ll appear in court with her if she pays her a $350 retainer fee.  If I were Kail I would have said, “In addition to the retainer, throw in a chin implant and you got yourself a deal!”  Kail chats it up with Jordan about all this Star Jones lawyer business and rolls her eyes when she figures out she’ll have to shell out some money for court since it’s “in the best interest for Issac/Isaac.”  Maybe The Sports Authority can promote her to the golf department, which I hear pays a little better.  I’m kidding. It’s all equally horrible.

Chelsea – Got dumped.

Join me on my own Facebook page because all “the kids” are doing it these days.  And don’t forget to lick on the “Facebook Recommend” button so that you share this crap with your own friends.  Or just click “Recommend” if you like Barb’s brown hat.  Whichever.

More Teen Mom Fun:
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

Teen Mom 2: When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens

Hey y’all it’s time for another episode of “The Night They Realized It’s Not Just For Peeing Anymore.”  In this episode all the girls come to the decision that it’s never too late for adoption and begin to fill out paperwork to get the ball rolling on becoming free-teens again.  I hope I didn’t spoil anything.  I’m kidding.  Nothing happened.  Speaking of nothing happening, join me on my Facebook page and let me know I’m a bad person for making fun of teenage mothers.  It means more to me when I can see the white trash sending the nasty-gram.  Ole!

Jenelle – Well I’m just sittin’ heeeeah havin’ a la-di-da time and BAM all of a sudden Barb just drops a bomb that she’s 57 years old.  Shocking.  She doesn’t look a day over 56.  You totally know that skin got wrinkled from her youthful days of her frolicking on Revere Beach, sipping strawberry-kiwi wine coolers out of a crazy straw, and laying out with a can of Crisco and holding one of those aluminum-mirror things that you put under your face to intensify the tan.  She’s sure to end her day at the beach with a Scallop plate from Kelly’s.  You’re welcome, my dear readers in Boston northshore communities.  However this can’t all just be Barb dream sequences because Jenelle is pitching a b*tch-fit in the kitchen because she hasn’t smoked pot in almost 24 hours and, well, she’s losing her mind.  She makes it seem like it’s such a tough thing to do.  Wow.   She made it 23 hours.  Someone give her a sobriety chip.  And salsa.  Because, well, that’s the way I assume it works.  You see, I’ve never been to a rehab facility because they frown on you continuing your drinking lifestyle.  Bad choices is the new black.  The best part of the entire crapisode was when Jenelle was freaking out and Barb just yells out, “Yaw strung out on weeeeeed, Jenelle!”  followed by heart-felt words such as, “What?  You need drug rehab now?”  Way to may her feel “wrong” for possibly needing rehab.  Can you even go to rehab for pot?  So pathetic.  She’s like that chick from Dr. Drew Celebrity Rehab who was on because she was addicted to “love.”  Not sex.  Love.  Oddly enough, I’m addicted to “like.”  P.S., don’t they give the elderly pot for cataracts?  Toughen up, trash can.

After thinking about it during a 45 second conversation with a girl I can only assume is considered a “tough cookie” in her Hello Kitty club, Jenelle is going to move in with Tori and Tylor.  These, my friends, are not the characters from 90210 and Saved By the Bell.  These are actual people.  Although, the leather jacket she’s sporting is very reminiscent of the actual Tori from Saved By The Bell.  I think it’s a great idea that Jenelle move in with these two characters as I’m sure there’s some form of a gang bang in its future.  As a sidenote, how come in 2 seasons we’ve never seen Jenelle smile?  I mean, I only see her teeth when she’s hissing in Barbara’s face.  Regardless, when it’s time to tell Barb that she’s moving out it actually goes better than expected.  Barb thinks it’s a great idea that Jenelle get the Christ out of the bungalow.  I’m sure she’s just excited that Mike is going to be able to finally play “hide the pirate” in Barb’s treasure trove.  As God as my witness I have no idea what that means, but sometimes it’s easier to set the table for a smut joke and just see who shows up to eat.  Ironically that’s the same way that Barb landed Mike, that snaggle-toothed wonder.  Either way, Barb hopes that Jenelle gets her life in order and will at least come to visit Jace one day a week for more than an hour.  I’m sure if you listen carefully you can hear all of The America yell out a collective “no!” in unison.

When it’s finally time to get to the moving portion of the episode, good old snaggle tooth Mike is giving Jenelle a helping hook.  See what I did there?  When they fit one of Jenelle’s gross-bed-bug-infested pieces of furniture into the back of a rusted out pick-up truck Barb just blurts out, “Supppaaah!”  No joke, at first I was like what the hell did she say, but then I quickly understood and was smiling from ear to lopsided ear.  Whilst in the process of moving Tori finds a “love letter” from Queen LaQueefer in which he calls Jenelle a “princess.”  Accurate.  Just like Ursula was a princess.  He says things like “we don’t need to prove our love to anyone” which makes me think they are a modern day Romeo and Juliet and hope that one of the two will swallow the potion to a little trip to “Dirt Nap City.”

After Jenelle moves all her actual literal junk into the new crack den she quickly receives a message from Kieffah on Facebook where he says he misses her, loves her, and he ends the email with “117.”  I’m not sure what “117″ means, but I’ll venture a guess that it’s “beeper code” for “I’ll meet you on the grassy knoll.  Bring soap.”   Jenelle decides to write him back because, most likely, she was sexually molested by one of Barb’s boyfriends growing up.  I don’t think I’m that far off and, well, I’m pretty sure if you think about it, you’ll agree too.  Jenelle is also writing in some type of code whilst emailing Special K back.  She writes things like “yu” instead of “you” and “ohk” instead of “ok.”  She might be trying to be cool, but I think it’s more accurate to assume that she really is that dumb.  In the end, Queefy comes over to the new house to sit on the stairs until Jenelle basically forces and apology from him.  It must be his rotten teeth and crusty green hoodie that she just can’t resist.  They both agree that they’re current status is “just talking” and “working things out” but they say “I love you” and kiss each other whilst dirt and grime clings to them from the stairs…and society.  Somewhere a few streets over, Barb is putting Jace to bed and shaving a smiley face in her lady-bits for Mike.  In this episode, everyone wins.

Leah – “Hey y’all!  I’m in a new house that’s as long and narrow as my momma’s face!”  I’m just kidding it’s round and oversized.  I’m not suggesting that it’s similar to anyone else’s head, but I’m just merely implying that similar to a physic coming over to a house party where everyone gets a reading, well, the geneticist should consider making house calls to the most western parts of West Virginia.  Wow that was a long sentence.  Long and hard just like my…shut yo mouth!  Anyway, Leah is relieved that everything is perfectly normal with Alibaba and is celebrating by decorating her home like any of the people in any of the episodes of Hoarders.  Luckily, even when times are tough, financially, there’s still plenty of empty Mountain Dew bottles scattered all around the house.  Another 10 bottles and Leah will have enough money for 2 more strands of clip-on extensions.  It’s like my 401K plan, y’all!

Meanwhile, Corey comes home in the brightest t-shirt (probably easier to identify the chain-gang cleaning up the side of the interstate) and seems a little bummed out.  It was hard to tell he was bummed out because he’s usually such a mix of piss and vinegar.  Leah really seems concerned and we learn that Corey doesn’t love his job.  At least I think that’s what he was saying.  Even the sub-titles seemed jumbled.  What I did understand, however, is that Corey has big dreams of…wait for it…wait for it…slap your baby…wait for it…you guessed it…being a coal miner.  I’m not saying that a coal miner isn’t a respectable job.  I mean, if it was good enough for the 7 Dwarfs it’s certainly good enough for old beaver teeth in the fluorescent green.

Later, Leah received a typed letter from the gen-et-i-cist (y’all!) saying that basically Alislovakia isn’t out of the woods yet and they’d like to see her again in one year.  The main problem, in my opinion, is that someone is going to have to teach Leah and Corey how to work a standard calendar.  I mean, if it’s not a tear-away Ziggy calendar they’re likely to miss the follow up appointment.  Leah and Corey try to understand what the “cryptic letter” from the geneticist really means.  It is quite tricky since the geneticist was “specific” and “clear” and explained everything.  Sadly, I knew Leah was immediately lost when she called the letter a “form.”  Pass me the form, y’all!  They wind up trying to Google more words that were taken from the “form” to see what the deal is.  Leah ends up getting puzzled and decides that she’s going to call up the geneticist to have them basically read the “form” to her.  Perhaps they should send a pop-up book next time.  Or maybe have it be a “Choose Your Own Adventure” where Leah can choose, “Walk out of the trailer and start a new life without these 3 anchors holding your down….turn to page 99.”

In the end, Leah ends up calling the geneticist and they speak to her for 45 minutes and won’t shut the F up, like they’re guilty of something.  Now you know I couldn’t care less about how this show is edited.  Everyone seems to freak the F out over it, but I couldn’t care less.  The final scene could have been shot in 1986. Perfect.  However, what was kind of strange was that in the “next scene” Leah meets up with Corey to talk about the phone conversation she just had.  They meet outside.  She’s wearing a tank top  and there are leaves on the tree.  Uh, two episodes ago they were opening white trash gifts under the ghetto Christmas tree.  Also, her hair is now so god-damn white it’s actually glowing.  It’s clearly giving Corey’s work t-shirt a run for its money food stamps.  Her scalp is burnt.  As is my brain. Maybe I need an MReyyyyyye on my brain?  Probably.  I’ll Google it.

Kail – Good news!  The Cowardly Lion got bangs!  Seriously, other than that nothing really happened in Kail’s scenes.  All I know is that Jo is pissed about the child support that the court is telling him he owes.  He’s so mad that I suggest he focus that anger and make a “rap song” that can be recorded in his “studio” all whilst Janet booty-claps in the background.  His rapping, overall, is priceless and we can just assume this one would go something like, “My name is Jo and I’m here to say I don’t like child support in a major way.”  How come in the 80’s (and always) whenever “the whites” try to rap it always starts with “My name is _____ and I’m here to say.”  I love the whites.  We are a dumb species.

Kail ends up chatting with her creeptastic friends to get their opinion on the whole “child support” situation.  I think it makes sense she asked people who can barely form full sentences.  I’m pretty sure one of the guys suggested she just shove the baby back up her vagiola.  Sound advice.  After she receives a letter from the people who “do math” and tell you how much money you owe, she calls up Jo so that they can chat.  They both agree to meet at the Tic Toc Diner because, well, that’s just the kind of place they live.  Apparently Jo needs to shell out $470 a month and thinks it’s very unfair.  He needs that money to work on his “music” and you know at least some of that is going to a mustache grooming kit for the Big J!  I jest.  Me gusta Janet y me gusta la lapiz y yo soy IBBBB.  Donde esta el bano, tambien por favor.  Yo toca la guitara.  I’m kidding, I don’t toca that at all.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, these two brainiacs are trying to have a middle-school debate on how much money Jo would have to pay if they were together and if they weren’t together.  I found myself yelling at the TV, “Shut up and just tap the bottle and twist the cap.”  the best part was Kail’s new beautiful hair.  It was so pretty.  They way it was a bowl-cut in the front and long stripper curls going down the sides really made her non-existent chin pop in the natural light.  At one point during the conversation it literally looked like a c0mb-over.  I get sad when bad hair happens to chinless teens.  It’s an epidemic in some of the Slavic countries.  Oh, and is it just me or do you only have images of Janet as an In Living Color “fly-girl” on the regular?  Eh, fine.  I’ll see a geneticist about that problem, y’all!

Chelsea – Every episode is the same with this pile of bricks.  The only change this time is that she’s getting job, or trying to at least.  Her strategy is quite impressive.  She walks into a gym, doesn’t say hello, and just simply says, “Can you give me an application.”  Not even as a question.  Just a general statement.  Since Chelsea still can’t pass the 4th grade and likes to look like Lil Bill in the winter, she’s getting a job in South Dakota called, “Year Round Brown.”  This is misleading as anyone I’ve seen in South Dakota that’s friends with Chelsea is orange all year “round.”  Actually they’re round too.  I think the name of the place should have been, “Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Snooki?”  It has a nice ring (around the tub) to it.

Chelsea does, in fact, get the job and no one seems to care.  Hopefully she’ll finally now have the time to study for GED in between “pressing the ‘on’ button at work.”  Oh, and Adam is still a d*ck because he’s shooting sass up at the camera every two seconds while he and Chelsea fight about why Chelsea has an unhealthy obsession with all things leopard-print.  Or maybe they were fighting about what movie to watch that night.  The point is, I couldn’t care less.  The only thing I was intrigued by was Chelsea’s friend who looked Ricki Lake pre-DWTS.  Other than that, I’m done.  Sorry, I tried.  Spoiler Alert:  I didn’t.

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Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
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