Alarming statistics show that those who own guns are 55% more likely to have an accidental deadly shooting in their own home than those who don’t own guns. Well if Heidi owns a gun and Spencer owns a gun, isn’t that like an over 100% chance that these two clowns are going to “accidentally” kill each other? Oh please, oh please! I hope when they play “murder suicide” they film it for The Hills Season 4. Oh wouldn’t that be great! They can leave Lauren a note that says something haunting like “You drove us to do this after watching your ‘alleged’ sex tape.” Maybe Heidi can even staple that note to her forehead. Oh, or nose! Well a blogger can dream at least.

Heidi and Steve Sanders were all scripted business when they took their scripted guns and went to the scripted firing range and scriptedly called the paparazzi to take some scripted photos of their scripted time spent shooting their scripted guns and taking very awkward, yet scripted, poses with said scripted guns. Sadly they were trying to look scriptedly tough, but kinda came across looking like Charlie’s Angels.

For someone who got their nose fixed you’d think Heidi’s safety goggles would sit on her face a little straighter. Hahah I said, “sit on her face.” Ok, well happy shooting you two! Shoot often and take chances!

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Who Shot Heidi and Spencer!?

What does one do when their two favorite worlds collide? You first pray to your Santa and then you write a letter to your Jesus. That’s what I do and it always seems to provide me with a sense of peace. An indistinguishable Olsen and Spencer Pratt are getting into a bit of a faux-fight thanks to David Letterman.

To quickly catch you up, the Olsen in question was on Letterman the other night and disclosed that she went to high school with Spencer and he had quite the temper whilst on the soccer field. The Olsen also mentioned that he stomped off the field a few times (like a little bitch, I will add). I’m hoping that Spencer still has the temper issues and forced Heidi to either accidentally answer the iron from time to time or gave her a good shiner due to her burning the roast. While I don’t condone violence, I do in this case and I’m sure you all agree.

Moving forward, once Spencer caught wind of this Olsen-diss, he immediately told Us Weekly (once they finished blowing him) the following:

“I don’t really care why she used my name to get press for her little indie film that no one’s going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me. I forgive her, though. She’s had to go through life as the less cute twin.”

Oh sookie sookie! You told her. Let’s clear one thing up, though. They are both equally less cute.

So who do I side with? Steve Sanders from The Hills or an Olsen Slut? Why must I decide? Why would God do this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough by not having The Hills on right now? Sometimes life really is so unfair. It makes me question God.

Heidi Montard, who apparently is taking hairstyling tips from Dina Lohan, was not only showing her support (and horselike features) at the Boost Mobile Rock Corps concert at the Gibson Amphitheatre in CA the other night, but she also really showed her talent while on stage with 30 Rock’s Tracy Morgan. What a match made in heaven and by “heaven” I mean “hell.” It’s Opposites Day here at IBBB!

Steve Sanders was also there and remained extremely low-key while Heidi took to the stage and performed her ass off. What a real treat this must have been for everyone involved. I’m still wishing that her horse from Crested Butte would make a cameo every once in a while. It’s not fair to that horse and, as you know, I am a major animal lover and feel that the horse is being unjustly punished.

In other Heidi and Steve Sanders news, Stephanie Pratt (Sandy Sanders) has been telling people lately that supposedly Heidi and Steve Sanders will be getting married in the next few months. I find that hard to believe. And, there is NO WAY they would EVER film it for an episode of The Hills or for a spinoff….or for a special. No way. These two would never sell out like that.

You think I’m afraid of a little gunshot wound? I don’t think so, Heidi. According to In Touch Weekly, Heidi and Spencer have made some enemies and want to protect themselves so they stopped by Martin B Redding store in Culver City, CA about a week or so ago and purchased $10,000 worth of guns. How “white-trash with money” of them! Wanna know what kind of guns they purchased? Sure you do. Well, they wanted what the US Delta Force uses, which are supposedly Beneli Semiautomatic M4 Tactical shotguns and 2 Wilson close quarter combat .45 caliber pistols, and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. Phew, that was a mouthful. Technically, I’m not sure what about 7 of the words meant.

$10,000 worth of guns huh? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper and safer to just be nice? Either way I’m hoping Heidi actually shoots her new boobs off and I wouldn’t be disappointed if Spencer somehow got shot in the lip and started talking like Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Amy, you bitch!

In related news, it’s been reported that Whitney has just purchased a Dennis the Menace sandalwood 13 inch slingshot……but that isn’t as much to protect herself as it is for her to get into hijinks in her neighborhood.

I hate you, you hate me, we’re a fame-whore family. With a great big chin and some big new boobs to boot. Won’t you say you love me too? Awww, we all love that song. Heidi, Steve Sanders, and Barney stopped to take an impromptu photo at the “A Time for Heroes Celebrity Carnival” yesterday in LA. This charity event was sponsored by Disney and proceeds are going to the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. Ok now that we’ve covered the business side of things, let’s talk about Heidi and Steve Sanders.

Is it wrong that there are more fake parts on Heidi than on Barney? Is it wrong that Barney and Steve Sanders have the same smile and that they’re mouths hardly move while talking? Is it wrong that Barney, a fake purple dinosaur, has more actual talent than Heidi and Steve Sanders combined? Is it wrong that even though all these things are true, Heidi and Steve Sanders, separately, will make more money in appearances than this Barney in question will for his appearances over the next 2 years? Oh, and by the way Spencer, we get it. You have a Louis Vuitton wallet. You don’t have to have it sticking out of your front pocket. Oh, and speaking of that. You’re a dude. Guys put their wallets in their back pocket. Man up.

Heidi Montard and Steve Sanders were all child-like and carefree….and plastic and evil..while playing reindeer games all around Disneyland yesterday. Seriously, who goes to DisneyLAND anymore? DisneyWORLD is where it’s at. Disneyland is so 70’s and is probably filled with retro pedophiles. Anyway, Heidi and Steve Sanders spontaneously decided to ride the Toy Story interactive ride and surprisingly got their picture taken. I bet the little kids standing in line for that ride thought Heidi looked so real and lifelike. Sorry kids, she’s a plastic robot.

The mentally-challenged duo even sported a Minnie Mouse wedding veil and a Mickey Mouse top hat and pretended they were getting married. That’s totally how the real wedding is going be. Heidi will look rodent-like and Spencer will be a rat. That was my official “Disney Clean Joke of the Day.” It was for the kids reading. You’re welcome.

“That’s a bold statement from someone who only decided to try and be Brody’s father after Brody got famous. He should focus more on trying to be a father and worry less about Brody’s influences. Brody’s doing just fine.”

I then believe then Spencer gave 2 z-snaps and twist. I love a fauxlebrity sass-off!

Who Shot That Sass?!

Heidi Montard and Steve Sanders are shockingly photographed after having a little lunch yesterday at Cafe Vida in Pacific Palisades, CA. (Please read the following with both sarcasm and a British accent, just for kicks). Wait a minute, they’re together? But on The Hills the other night Heidi said they were broken up whilst she was on a private jet heading towards Vegas? And I thought Steve Sanders said they were broken up too? But if they’re supposed to be broken up how come they look happy together yesterday? Why would The Hills lie to us? For the love of God why!? As a sidenote, I’m pretty sure that Heidi has her hair pulled back like that because it’s technically holding up her face and keeping her nose and chin from plummeting to the sidewalk. It’s all about science, kids. I think that’s called gravity, but I can’t be sure as I dropped out of school when I was in the 4th grade….hence the blog.

Uh-oh, check your mint juleps for piss and silicon drippings because Heidi Montag was at The Kentucky Derby. Well, she wasn’t so much “at it” as I imagined her running it. Sadly, a horse was euthanized. You may have snuck away this time, Heidi Montag, but we will get you…oh we will.

Ok ok so Heidi and Steve Sanders certainly dressed the part. Heidi was in her Boca Raton Howard Johnson’s king-sized bed bedspread and pillow shams (if ya know what I mean) and Steve Sanders had on his best seersucker suit that I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be wearing unless you’re the ring bearer at your Aunt’s wedding….and it’s the summer….and you’re 7. Regardless these two are looking like hot sex on a platter and by “hot sex” I really mean “shit” and by “on a platter” I really mean “on a stick.” So, basically, they look like shit on a stick. Although it was promising that Heidi’s hat did remind me just what I need to take when I have nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.

The sexy beastmaster that is Heidi Montag was all smiles (and boobs and chin) while at her very own fashion show for her new clothing line, which I refuse to name. Heidi didn’t look too much like a newscaster during the fashion show, which is a positive sign for her and can only mean there are good things to come for her. I’m not sure why, I just assume. Her fake-fighting-ex-fiance-ex-live-in-boyfriend-roommate-on-again-off-again-boyfriend Spencer Pratt (aka Steve Sanders) was there to show his support and even gave her 2-dozen long stemmed pink roses. I’m pretty sure pink roses symbolize “douche-bag” but it could symbolize friendship. It’s hard to tell. Either way he was there, surprisingly, without his boombox.

Heidi was asked about her relationship with Steve Sanders at the fashion show to which Heidi replied, “I mean, you know, we’re up, we’re down. It’s just the routine. The bottom line is that we love each other. We always have and we’re just trying to figure out our stuff like every other couple.” Uh, translation: The Hills script hasn’t been delivered to our fake apartment yet, so I’m not sure what to say.

Signed,
Steve Sanders

I’ve always looked at Spencer Pratt as almost like a world renowned physician, but instead of dispensing pills he should be dispensing advice. HOLY CRAP, that is totally what they should be calling his new advice column in Radar Magazine: Dispencing Advice. I’m not even kidding I’m a genius. I mean, I’ve always known it, but now I am more certain of this then ever!

Anyway, Spencer is, in fact, getting his own advice column and it will be called “Yo Spencer,” because that’s catchy, and he’ll debut his skills in the April issue that will hit newsstands in a couple of weeks. Tools from Radar have said, “Spencer is never afraid to speak his mind. When asking for advice, it’s good to have someone who will be brutally honest with you, and tell it like it is. Spencer is never afraid to speak his mind.”

Uh, I have a little advice to dispense. If you are at such a low point in your life that you’re requesting advice from Spencer Pratt, I would just throw in the towel and call it a day. Take a nap, a dirt nap. I would actually ask a drunken homeless hooker who’s in the process of giving birth under the stairs of the subway in a cardboard box while drinking shots of tequila and finishing a crossword puzzle with a hook for a hand and bird-shit for ink in her pen then to ask Spencer for any advice. Just a thought.

Thanks, Jill, for the heads up on this story.

I would say that The Hills is trying to create some additional buzz since the new season of the show starts up in a few weeks, but US Weekly seems to do a story with Heidi and Steve Sanders 47.3 times per month. This time around, Heidi quickly dries the tears from her step-brothers funeral and talks about her and Spencer (aka Steve Sanders).

The worst couple since Screech Powers and Violet Bickerstaff, Heidi and Spencer are talking to US Weekly about how Spencer may have cheated on Heidi, but you can’t know exactly what that means until you buy the actual magazine, which I’m definitely not doing. Therefore, I’ve come up with my own scenario of what went down. Walk with me.

Steve Sanders and Heidi probably went to cracked out Crested Butte to spend some time with Heidi’s creepy family all whilst trying to escape the glare of Audrina’s teeth. It gets cold in “The Butte” and Heidi’s recent chin surgery and boob job prevents her from “making intercourse” with Steve Sanders. Steve, of course is pissed, and heads out to the stable to get some good loving from Heidi’s parents horse (you remember the horse from that episode). Basically in a nutshell Steve makes the horse a woman for the night and Heidi catches him.

Yes/No? I think yes.

Anyway, Steve Sanders tells the magazine that “We’re definitely on a roller coaster. I’m not too happy about a lot of things.” Again, I assume he’s talking about the horse.

Pointless Fact of the Day: Did you know that Kristin Cavallari set up Heidi and Steve Sanders? Again, me gusta Kristin.

We’re sorry Heidi, but your chin is in another castle! Steve Sanders (Spencer Pratt) continues his incestuous relationship with Us Weekly and tells them that there is a Heidi and Spencer video game in the works. Steve Sanders says, “We’re definitely developing the Heidi and Spencer video game. It’s top secret. Let’s just say that everyone will be addicted. You can definitely play as us or you can play against us. You can even torture me.”

Please, my sweet Jesus, let me help develop the scenarios for this game. I’m not even kidding, this is right up my (Kirstie) alley! Here’s how it would go down:

Heidi would be searching for her old nose, old chin, old lips, and old boobs in every level of the game. Steve Sanders would be similar to that random fox that would follow around Sonic the Hedgehog (in the second version). Steve would be able to defeat enemies by eating them without blinking or moving his mouth. The princess, of course, would be Lisa Loveless and would give Heidi powers such as the ability to sing and perform beautiful arm and hand movements. Of course Elodie would we found in each of the warp zones and could power up Heidi by creaming her up with products by Jolie en Rose (http://www.jolieenrose.com/).

Other enemies that would be after Heidi would include, but not be limited to: talent, Audrina’s teeth, Audrina’s sisters tattoos, Lo, Lo’s old nose, Justin Bobby, Audrina’s helmet from Justin Bobby, Brent Bolthouse’s combover, Emily the super intern (of course), Jen Bunney, Jen Bunney’s old nose and new nose, the lines under Lauren’s eyes, and Sandy Sanders (Stephanie Pratt) bad Emily Valentine perm.

Oh I pray that I get to work on this. Someone, for the love of God, write a letter to someone. Santa, perhaps?