More Mindless Stories on ‘snooki from jersey shore’

You Have the Right to Remain a Thick, Juicy, Tanned Guidette

It’s one thing to see Lohan in jail because, well, Georgia Rule.  However to see a national treasure like Snooki arrested and then to see her mugshot splattered like eyebrow wax all over the Internet?  Well, that’s just un-American and I have to say the terrorist surely have won.

Snooki was busy filming scenes for Season 3 of Jersey Shore (thank you Santa Christ) out on the Jersey Shore boardwalk and she may or may not have been using a beer bong out in public.  Also, she may or may not have been so drunk that she feel off her bike.  I don’t see what the big deal is.  Sporting a beer bong in public and drunkenly falling off your bike is not only a requirement in Jersey, but it also helps to get you into a government position.

Personally I think Snooki looks great in her mugshot.  It looks like she went through one of those “Ricki Lake Makeunder” segments.  I mean sure it looks like she was dragged out of a dumpster and is wearing a Tyra Banks fat-suit when the cops are arresting her, but she was drunk and, well, there’s a lot of fried dough stands up and down the boardwalk and how many of those can you pass by without stopping in?  3?  4?  10?

Later JWoww ShamWow tweeted saying that she had to bust (pun intended) Snooki out of the slammer.  God bless Snooki.  I have to admit, I’d totally watch a show where Snooki spends 3 months in prison.  And you want to know something?  You would too.  You.  Would.  Too.

Similar to the Lindsay Lohan mugshot background, I think the lasers really make Snooki’s tan pop!

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Snooki’s Miami Bar Fight. Apparently Frankie Delgado Will Stop at Nothing to Become a Permanent Cast Member of Some MTV Show.

Sure the quality of the footage is like watching a surveillance tape of an inner city bank robbery, but still it’s great to see these little Jersey Shore spoilers especially when Snooki, a bar, a random patron who looks like Frankie Delgado from The Hills, a frozen drink, a slap, and a “waaaaah” is involved.

Snooki was out for the day just trying to enjoy a nice relaxing drink at “da club” one afternoon in Miami with a mobile camera crew when all of a sudden some dude comes over to Snooki and whispers sweet nothings in her ear.  Snooki, the bronzed Mother Teresa of our generation, then up and slaps him right in the face and then repeatedly tries to swing at him.  I’m sure he just was politely informing her that her banana clip went out of style during Debbie Gibson’s “Out of the Blue” album release party, but that didn’t stop “Fists of Fury” Polizzi from throwing a couple of hay-makers.  After Snooks got clocked by a dude last season, she’s not taking any chances.  She’s using an open hand slap.  She’s using a closed fist.  She’s using a sharp finger point claw.  She’s even using her drink.

In the end, however, the said patron throws a red drink at Snooki, which will make her look like it’s “ladies days” until she dries off, and he gets tossed out of “da club.”  This is when JWoww ShamWow comes running, literally, onto the scene like someone is giving away free ham samples.  At this point JWoww ShamWow and Snooki have a conversation by bending forward and yelling things.

End scene.

It Was Only a Matter of Time Before Snooki Bedazzled Her Name on Her Dress…But What Took So Long?

I know what you’re thinking. “I only see one pair of floating eyes.”  However, surrounding those floating eyes is an entire person and that person, of course, is one Ms. Snooki Snookerson.  Jersey Shore’s Snooki and Grandpa Situation (who may or not be passed out whilst standing) made sure to give us one of their best “Myspace Cool Kid” poses while backstage at the annual Inner Circle Gala which took place at the Hilton Hotel in NYC over the weekend.

Snooki was also sporting a new dress that…wait for it….wait for it….poof your hair….wait for it….had her name bedazzled on it.  It’s almost like Ed Hardy made love to a Hanes “huskey” t-shirt and never “cleaned it up” before giving it to Snooki.  Gross.

In other Snooki updates, it appears she also had a streak or two of red highlights to her “freakin’ poof.”  I wish it was white streak so that it looked like she was wearing a skunk-skin cap on her head, like the Davey Crockett of the Jersey Shore.  Here’s to wishing.

I’m Sorry, Come Again? Snooki Killed Who?

If you mean to tell me that Snooki’s freakin’ poof could have been cuffed and spent time in prison I would be less than shocked.  If you told me that Snooki killed somebody and not with her breasts, I wouldn’t believe it.  I’d say things like, “What?” and “I don’t believe it.”  Those are some of the things I would say.  However, when I read that Blessed Midget Snooki, the Patron Saint of Wahhh, was criminally charged for selling booze to minors at a party at her house in which one of the minors drove home and died in a drunk driving accident I was actually kind of shocked.  I mean, I was relieved that she didn’t technically kill someone with her bare breasts, but I was still kinda shocked nonetheless and also nevertheless (depending on what part of the world you live on).

Snooki, along with two others, were charged in connection with the 2004 death of a teen who rolled their Mazda over on Thanksgiving morning after partying for hours at Snooki’s house (in her basement).

Obviously things worked out for Snooki as she was clearly rewarded by karma and turned into an overnight sensation, idolized by millions, and written about by complete lunatics like me.  Rewards of a douche-bag knows no bounds.

While it is horrific, horrific, horrific, that someone died in a drunk driving accident, if Snooki had been thrown in jail just think of how all of our lives would be drastically different.  Mine, for one, would have absolutely no meaning.  No meaning whatsoever.

Couples Who Wax Their Eyebrows Together Stay Together

It’s like where does his hair end and her face begin?  Or where does her hair end and his face begin?  If I wasn’t being told this was Snooki’s new boyfriend I would have just assumed it was a caricature rendering of Snooki on the street at the Super Bowl being held up next to the real Snooki.

The Sophia Loren of our generation, Snooki Polizzi told Radar Online all the important details of her new boyfriend: “He is actually a body builder and works at the gym.  He is just like my typical guido juicehead with like a good personality.  We’re the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life so I am excited for everybody to see that.”

And you totally know Jesus is thinking, “And I died on the cross for this?!”

Why Did Snooki’s Makeover Turn Her Into an Asian Extra on Dynasty?

If there’s one thing you know I love it’s Snooki.  Snooki for breakfast.  Snooki for lunch.  Snooki for dinner.  Hell, even Snooki for a sensible mid-day snack.  This time around Snooki was getting a complete makeover which basically consisted of brushing out her “freakin’ poof” and removing her slut clothes.

Snooki spoke with Inside Edition about being ready, yet nervous, for a quick makeover.  Snooki waaaahed, “I can’t even walk out of the house unless I put bronzer on.  My hairstyle is called “the poof.”  I’m actually 4′9″, but maybe 4′11″ with the poof!”

According to IE, “Celebrity hairstylist Francky L’official brushed out Snooki’s sky-high poof. Then, her heavy bronzer and dark eyeliner and shadow were replaced with much lighter neutrals and Us Weekly’s Fashion Director Sasha Charnin Morrison stripped off the “Jersey shore” and put Snooki in couture.”

Snooki Goes to the Grammy Awards

Nope, you’re eyes aren’t deceiving you.  That is not Lil Kim on the red carpet at the Grammy’s just now, and it’s not Danny Devito in a purple dress either.  That is one Ms. Snooki “Nicole” Polizzi and I have no idea why she gets to go to the Grammy Awards (very early I might add) and I’m stuck here in NYC sitting on my couch and writing about it. Fine, she landed a gig for MTV to be a red carpet correspondent, but still I definitely need to up my “douche bag status” in time for next years Grammy’s.

I have to admit that Snooki looks like she lost a little bit of weight.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, when she exhales her dress will likely snap up like a rubber band and expose her “gentlemen greeter” whilst the photographers snap it up…but she still looks decent.  Maybe the lack of “poof” makes her look thinner, you know, like when you paint a house a dark color it looks smaller?  Yeah, like that.

I’m telling you, without the “freakin’ poof” Snooki is almost looking  a little like Christina Aguilera.  Maybe we’ll hear a duet from them soon.

Check out some other pictures of Snooki from the 2010 Grammy Awards.  Fist pump, fist pump, fist pump.

I’ll Take, “Things That Are Taller Than Snooki” For $200

People always ask me how tall is Snooki and you know what I tell them?  Google it.  That’s what I say.  Google it.  However, this really got me to thinking, how in the Guidette hell tall is Snooki from Jersey Shore?  After that thought, I then thought, “I wonder how many other random things are taller than Snooki” and, sadly, this is what I came up with.

• Snooki stands somewhere around 4′9″ – 4′10″, maybe 4′11″ but that depends on two things:  (1) The size of her freakin’ poof and (2) the wind.
• Danny Devito (the father of Snooki in my mind) is taller than Snooki standing at a whopping 5 feet.
• 15 duck phones stacked on top of each other are taller than Snooki quacking at 5′ 1″.
• 10 Dep gel bottles carefully balanced one on top of the other stands stiff at 5′ 4″.
• One official leg lamp from “A Christmas Story” is taller than Snooki by standing sexy at 5′ 5″.
• 34 of Snooki’s “freakin poofs” hair-sprayed together (thanks to ample AquaNet) is taller than Snooki at an outstanding 5′ 8″.

Well there you have it, folks.  Don’t say you don’t learn things like math and science when you visit IBBB because, clearly, you do.  Studying this Snooki Height Chart is likely to help raise your SAT math scores up to about a 250 so, well, you’re welcome!

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Brad Ferro, the Dude Who Punched My Little Snooki, Suing MTV?

As if this couldn’t end up anywhere else but Judge Judy.  Brad Ferro, the teacher who allegedly snooki-punched Jersey Shore’s Snooki in the Burnt Sienna face, may be suing MTV after he was fired from his Queen’s High School teaching position.  My random drunken sources claim while Ferro, 23, did sign the release form for the production company/MTV to show and use his image in any way they see fit, he also may have signed this form while not of sound mind (aka three-sheets to the wind).

As you know, after weeks of promoting the Snooki punch, MTV ended up removing the punch from the actual crapisode of Jersey Shore but, let’s face it, that image has been burned into our minds and runs on a constant loop in slow motion.  Isn’t it a little too late from Ferro to sue for defamation of character?  Even if it’s not, his best bet is to stop drawing any additional attention to himself…unless it includes him being added to a future cast of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.   Dancing With the Stars?  Sky could be the limit, although I’m sure Jersey will be his limit.

I always knew that I held a special bond with My Little Snooki and now I finally realized the the punch took place on August 19th, IBBB’s birthday! It’s like all the stars have aligned.

Catch up on all the Jersey Shore recaps before the season finale which airs this coming Thursday, January 21st @ 10pm on MTV.

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Snooki Puts on Everything She Owns for a Fist Pumping Competition

Originally thinking that her “freakin’ poof” came to life, began to learn, and then started attacking its owner, I soon realized that Jersey Shore’s Snooki was just wearing a hood with some fur whilst on the gel’d carpet at the Opium Nightclub inside the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida on Saturday (1.9.10).

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi put on everything she owned in order to host the night.  Yes, she is, in fact, the host of the night.  What is the event, you ask?  Why it’s a “Fist Pumping” competition, but of course!  So how much does Snooki get paid for something like this?  Oh, the answer to that would be $10,000.  Yes, really.

Snooki is taking a cue from the “Lauren Conrad Mustache of Success” book and making sure that she is milking every last second of fame while she can.  Now I personally think that LC’s mustache is a bit thicker, but that could just be because we’re looking at dark hair on pale white skin, versus looking at Snooki’s mustache which is dark hair on orange skin.  I believe that’s called an optical illusion.

Also interesting to note is that this fist pumping competition takes place in the same location that Anna Nicole Smith was found dead so, well, good luck with that foreshadowing Snooki, good luck with that.

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Snooki: From Duck Phone to Duck Hunt

Hold on to your “freakin’ poof” because Snooki from Jersey Shore stopped by the MTV Newsroom to catch up with some of the good folks over there (who will hopefully, for the love of God, hire me one day) and to play a little shootin’ game called “Big Buck Safari.”  With big plastic gun in hand, Snooki tried to beat out Spencer Pratt’s high score by shooing animals as they appeared on screen.  I’m sure it was a little difficult for her as seeing all the animals probably confused her into thinking it was fellow cast members getting their hair “did” for a night out at “da club.”

Snooki had a little trouble spelling her own name and just settled for “Sno” and then began shooting away.  Toss in some F-bombs and “bitch” shout outs and you’ve got yourself a very entertaining 1 minute and 56 seconds of pure Snookivision.

My personal favorite is at the end when Snooki is told that her high score beat out Tokio Hotel and she responds by saying “Who’s that?”  Awww Snooki Snooki!

Check out the recent photo of our beloved Snooki below blowing us a kiss at MTV the other day.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it yet again, “Snooki is the love child of Lil’ Kim and Danny Devito.”  Quote me.

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Snooki on SNL (Saturday Night Live) Weekend Update

 

Past Jersey Shore Recaps

You knew it was only a matter of time before a skit about Snooki from Jersey Shore was to make its way onto Saturday Night Live Weekend Update.  And who better to play Snooki than Bobby Moynihan?!  We even get a guest appearance by Mike “The Situation” and his abs that seem to cover his entire body.  What a treat for 11:55 at night.

I’m hoping, and by “hoping” I mean “starting a letter writing campaign” that future Jersey Shore skits will also consist of Jenny Slade playing JWoww ShamWow and Kristin Wiig as either Sammi SweatStains or Pauly D.  Yes, I think she could play a man just as well. 

Spoiler Alert:  My favorite line from Snooki at the end is when she tells Seth that he can call her Garfield because she’s orange and likes lasagna.  Brilliant.

As a side note, how I’m not a Jersey Shore consultant on SNL is beyond me.  With all the Jersey Shore recaps I’ve done and additional mindless coverage you would think I’d be the perfect fit.  Alas, I am trapped prisoner here at this blog.

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 Play the trivia game “Jersey Shore Hair…or Just an Animal?” by clicking on the video below:

Past Jersey Shore Recaps

Jersey Shore Cast Jaywalking on Leno = Early Christmas Gift from Jesus Claus

 

Is it normal that when Snooki, Grandpa Situation, and Pauly D from Jersey Shore were on Leno last night playing the Jaywalking game not only did I get a bunch of emails, but I also got text messages, including my dad telling me to immediately put on Leno to see this. Well, I think it’s normal. When you think of Jersey Shore you should think of IBBB. Such is life. Anywax, this clip was actually pretty entertaining and, once again, Snooki stole the spotlight. I won’t give anything away so you can enjoy it on your own, but all I have to say is that the Snooki punch may have actually done some good for her. Allegedly.

 

 

 

 Play the trivia game “Jersey Shore Hair…or Just an Animal?” by clicking on the video below:

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Snooki Brings Her Myspace Poses to the Video Game Awards

Awwwwww Snooki, Snooki!  I did it all for the Snooki, the Snooki, so you can take that BumpIt and stick it up your WAH, stick it up your WAH, stick it up your WAH!  Well, those are the only two songs I can think of inserting Snooki’s name in for now.  Anytruckerhats, Snooki (Nicole Polozzi), from Jersey Shore, graced us all with her signature Myspace poses on the red carpet during the Video Game Awards in LA the other day.  These poses consist of “The Boob Push Out,”  and “The Kissy Lips,” and my personal favorite, “The Boob Push Out with The Kissy Lips AND the Hand on Hip.”  Seriously, if someone doesn’t take Snooki for a DNA test to prove that she’s the illegitimate daughter of Lil Kim and Danny Devito, I’ m going to take her on Judge Judy and force her to take the test myself.  I mean, I have no vested interest, but as a citizen of The United States and/or Some of the Americas, I think it is my civic duty.

Check out some of the other Guido’s and Guidette’s at the Video Game Awards like Grandpa Situation, JWOW(Janky Wigs on Whitetrash Woman), and Pauly D.  No word, yet, on where Sammi Sweetheart was, but all dumpsters in the local area are thoroughly being inspected.

        

Snooki Punch Update: MTV Pulls Snooki Punch. So, Um, Erase it From Your Memory.

 My hopefully future employer one day, E! News, has just reported that MTV has decided to pull the footage of Snooki getting socked in the face, allegedly, by gym teacher, Brad Ferro after receiving a ton of negative feedback from viewers, sponsors, Santa Christ, Jesus Claus, and Elian Gonzalez. 

MTV issued a statement in which they said, “What happened to Snooki was a crime and obviously extremely disturbing.  After hearing from our viewers, further consulting with experts on the issue of violence, and seeing how the video footage has been taken out of context not to show the severity of this act or resulting consequences, MTV has decided not to air Snooki being physically punched in the face.”

Well, there you have it.  I guess I agree with them, but at the same time if we were forced to sit through 2 full seasons of “The Ashlee Simpson Show” back in 2004, surely Americans (sorry Canada) can handle this.  Eh, either way sometimes it’s best to take the high road.

However, if it were up to me, I would just edit in the d-bag who hit her hitting a pop up clown instead of Snooki.  See?  There are ways around this.

What do you guys think about this?  The right choice?  Sponsor pressure?  A Chrismtas miracle?

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