More Mindless Stories on ‘snooki from jersey shore’

You Have the Right to Remain a Thick, Juicy, Tanned Guidette

It’s one thing to see Lohan in jail because, well, Georgia Rule.  However to see a national treasure like Snooki arrested and then to see her mugshot splattered like eyebrow wax all over the Internet?  Well, that’s just un-American and I have to say the terrorist surely have won.

Snooki was busy filming scenes for Season 3 of Jersey Shore (thank you Santa Christ) out on the Jersey Shore boardwalk and she may or may not have been using a beer bong out in public.  Also, she may or may not have been so drunk that she feel off her bike.  I don’t see what the big deal is.  Sporting a beer bong in public and drunkenly falling off your bike is not only a requirement in Jersey, but it also helps to get you into a government position.

Personally I think Snooki looks great in her mugshot.  It looks like she went through one of those “Ricki Lake Makeunder” segments.  I mean sure it looks like she was dragged out of a dumpster and is wearing a Tyra Banks fat-suit when the cops are arresting her, but she was drunk and, well, there’s a lot of fried dough stands up and down the boardwalk and how many of those can you pass by without stopping in?  3?  4?  10?

Later JWoww ShamWow tweeted saying that she had to bust (pun intended) Snooki out of the slammer.  God bless Snooki.  I have to admit, I’d totally watch a show where Snooki spends 3 months in prison.  And you want to know something?  You would too.  You.  Would.  Too.

Similar to the Lindsay Lohan mugshot background, I think the lasers really make Snooki’s tan pop!

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Snooki’s Miami Bar Fight. Apparently Frankie Delgado Will Stop at Nothing to Become a Permanent Cast Member of Some MTV Show.

Sure the quality of the footage is like watching a surveillance tape of an inner city bank robbery, but still it’s great to see these little Jersey Shore spoilers especially when Snooki, a bar, a random patron who looks like Frankie Delgado from The Hills, a frozen drink, a slap, and a “waaaaah” is involved.

Snooki was out for the day just trying to enjoy a nice relaxing drink at “da club” one afternoon in Miami with a mobile camera crew when all of a sudden some dude comes over to Snooki and whispers sweet nothings in her ear.  Snooki, the bronzed Mother Teresa of our generation, then up and slaps him right in the face and then repeatedly tries to swing at him.  I’m sure he just was politely informing her that her banana clip went out of style during Debbie Gibson’s “Out of the Blue” album release party, but that didn’t stop “Fists of Fury” Polizzi from throwing a couple of hay-makers.  After Snooks got clocked by a dude last season, she’s not taking any chances.  She’s using an open hand slap.  She’s using a closed fist.  She’s using a sharp finger point claw.  She’s even using her drink.

In the end, however, the said patron throws a red drink at Snooki, which will make her look like it’s “ladies days” until she dries off, and he gets tossed out of “da club.”  This is when JWoww ShamWow comes running, literally, onto the scene like someone is giving away free ham samples.  At this point JWoww ShamWow and Snooki have a conversation by bending forward and yelling things.

End scene.

It Was Only a Matter of Time Before Snooki Bedazzled Her Name on Her Dress…But What Took So Long?

I know what you’re thinking. “I only see one pair of floating eyes.”  However, surrounding those floating eyes is an entire person and that person, of course, is one Ms. Snooki Snookerson.  Jersey Shore’s Snooki and Grandpa Situation (who may or not be passed out whilst standing) made sure to give us one of their best “Myspace Cool Kid” poses while backstage at the annual Inner Circle Gala which took place at the Hilton Hotel in NYC over the weekend.

Snooki was also sporting a new dress that…wait for it….wait for it….poof your hair….wait for it….had her name bedazzled on it.  It’s almost like Ed Hardy made love to a Hanes “huskey” t-shirt and never “cleaned it up” before giving it to Snooki.  Gross.

In other Snooki updates, it appears she also had a streak or two of red highlights to her “freakin’ poof.”  I wish it was white streak so that it looked like she was wearing a skunk-skin cap on her head, like the Davey Crockett of the Jersey Shore.  Here’s to wishing.

I’m Sorry, Come Again? Snooki Killed Who?

If you mean to tell me that Snooki’s freakin’ poof could have been cuffed and spent time in prison I would be less than shocked.  If you told me that Snooki killed somebody and not with her breasts, I wouldn’t believe it.  I’d say things like, “What?” and “I don’t believe it.”  Those are some of the things I would say.  However, when I read that Blessed Midget Snooki, the Patron Saint of Wahhh, was criminally charged for selling booze to minors at a party at her house in which one of the minors drove home and died in a drunk driving accident I was actually kind of shocked.  I mean, I was relieved that she didn’t technically kill someone with her bare breasts, but I was still kinda shocked nonetheless and also nevertheless (depending on what part of the world you live on).

Snooki, along with two others, were charged in connection with the 2004 death of a teen who rolled their Mazda over on Thanksgiving morning after partying for hours at Snooki’s house (in her basement).

Obviously things worked out for Snooki as she was clearly rewarded by karma and turned into an overnight sensation, idolized by millions, and written about by complete lunatics like me.  Rewards of a douche-bag knows no bounds.

While it is horrific, horrific, horrific, that someone died in a drunk driving accident, if Snooki had been thrown in jail just think of how all of our lives would be drastically different.  Mine, for one, would have absolutely no meaning.  No meaning whatsoever.

Couples Who Wax Their Eyebrows Together Stay Together

It’s like where does his hair end and her face begin?  Or where does her hair end and his face begin?  If I wasn’t being told this was Snooki’s new boyfriend I would have just assumed it was a caricature rendering of Snooki on the street at the Super Bowl being held up next to the real Snooki.

The Sophia Loren of our generation, Snooki Polizzi told Radar Online all the important details of her new boyfriend: “He is actually a body builder and works at the gym.  He is just like my typical guido juicehead with like a good personality.  We’re the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life so I am excited for everybody to see that.”

And you totally know Jesus is thinking, “And I died on the cross for this?!”