I’m not going to lie. When I first heard Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx was going to be taking part in a triathlon, I assumed the events would be singing, dancing, and acting. I figured she wouldn’t have a chance at successfully completing that. However, once I realized it was running, biking, and swimming I knew she could breeze through that. I was also hopeful that I would finally achieve one of my life’s top goals of seeing some J Lo cameltoe. No luck, folks, no luck. Even in her pleather unitard there isn’t even an inkling of cameltoe. Very disappointing.

J Glow did, in fact, complete the triathlon in 2 hours, 23 minutes, and 28 seconds. In news even better than that, I napped on Saturday for 3 hours, 4 minutes, and 15 seconds. So, uh, I do important stuff too.

Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her husband, Squiggy, really did up Italy big time over the 4th of July weekend. Nice way to celebrate America’s birthday, J Glow, by leaving it and going to Italy. Just a girl from the Bronx seems to forget it’s this crap bag country that made her into what she is today; a mediocre singer, bad actress, decent fly-girl dancer, and fashion designer/sweat-shop manager. Now hop your ass back on “The 6″ and wave a couple of American flags in the Bronx.

Anyway, in other Saint Jennifer news, J Lo has been issued a subpoena last week to testify in a lawsuit over a 1999 nightclub shooting that involved her then boyfriend, Diddy-Puff Daddy-Sean Combs. The subpoena came from the woman, Natania Reuben, who was shot in the face at that club in 1999 and is now suing for $130 million. That’s like the price of 3 rooms in the J Lo compound! Hopefully whilst on the stand she can sing “Waiting for Tonight” and just put all this behind her.

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What a blessed event. Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her wife, Marc Anthony, get off their private jet with their twins wrapped up in what I can only assume is office rugging from the late 1970’s. She’s just a simple girl from the Bronx, but not the normal Bronx we all know. I’m talking about the Bronx that has private jets. All caught up?

The “Holy Trinity” landed in Belgium shortly after J Glow gave a surprise performance at a school in Staten Island. The children, it was reported, were so surprised to see her and I’m assuming she was just as surprised to see so many little boys all tanned up and with waxed eyebrows. Ahhh Staten Island, you can never start them too young.

Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her big bag-o-sass quickly walked up the halls of the Hart Senate Office Building yesterday and ducked into Obama’s office. The pictures show J Glow wearing all black (probably to help camouflage her big ass) and sunglasses as office buildings are usually very sunny and bright. Once word in the building spread that the Saint J Lo was there people lost their shit and everyone came running. Really? A lot must not go on in Illinois.

I’m glad that Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx is having secretive meetings in Obama’s office. She is, clearly, qualified for anything political. She has the magic touch with her singing and acting, so I’m sure this will work out well for Obama. Hopefully his campaign song will be “Waiting For Tonight.”

Holy Bailamos J Lo! Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx will be coming to a television set near you (hopefully in panoramic). Have you ever wondered what J Glow would do after she beautifully mastered the art of fine acting and mastered her singing career? Well wonder no longer because now you get to watch Saint Jennifer juggle all of her 25 mediocre careers and motherhood all at the same fly-girl time. This reality “docu-series” or “lopez-vision” as I’ll be calling it will air on TLC, which apparently still exists.

J Lo will be co-executive producer, co-creator, and co-star of this “show.” She’ll also be the co-ruiner.

When reached for comment, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx said “I’m looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together.” Oh yeah? I’m excited to hopefully listen to J Glow sing soft and out of tune lullabies to her twins. First a “docu-series” and then a whole channel dedicted to Saint Jennifer. Sky and ass is the limit!

Waiting for tonight….ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!