More Mindless Stories on ‘Saint Jennifer Lopez’
07
Jennifer Lopez and the Case of the “Where’d Ya Go, Camel Toe?”
It seems like just a few days ago we were ringing in the New Year with a little J Lo camel toe and now, just yesterday, we see Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx leaving the Oribe Salon in Miami, Florida with her little camel hiding/suffocating in some black spandex-like pants. I believe the kids call them “leggings.” Yes, leggings.
So what gives? Why sport some CT one day and then not the other? I thought that what you did on New Years Eve rolled over into the new year?
In other Saint Jennifer news, J Glow recently told Latina Magazine that she felt that her performance in “El Cantante” should have earned her an Oscar. No really, she does. The simple girl from the Bronx said, “I feel like I had that [Oscar worthy role] in ‘El Cantante‘ but I don’t think the Academy members saw it. It’s a little bit frustrating.” Gulp.
Personally I think the Academy members are still trying to sit through “Gigli” in its entirety and still trying to figure out what in the hell “Louboutins” means.
04
Jennifer Lopez New Years Eve Camel Toe. Wait. Is That What “Auld Lang Syne” Translates To?
I mean, ringing in the New Year any other way then with Jennifer Lopez’s camel toe is, well, just plain wrong, pointless, and illegal in the city that I’m the mayor of. Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx was kind enough to play the role of the New York terrorist and “sing” some hits on New Years Eve in Times Square to a crowd who is already suffering enough in the cold and without a bathroom. While I typically joke about this, she actually did perform “Waiting for Tonight” and ”Let’s Get Loud“ and even her new song “Louboutins” which I believe is Spanish for, “I’m so lucky that Spanish singers were big in 1998 and that I was a Fly Girl on In Living Color or you probably wouldn’t have heard of me today.”
J Glow crawled around the stage in a bedazzled cat burglar onesie and danced her ass (almost) off and then when finished yelled to the crowd, “You didn’t think I could do that in the rain, did you?” Personally I’m more surprised the rain didn’t make the record skip. Either way, you know what this outfit means….
So, boys and girls, this means it’s time to play the first official cameltoe game of 2010, ““ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating System….to the Stars!” What a real treat this is. As you know the rules, I can award up to 5 camels. This time I am awarding Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx….wait for it….drum-roll….wait for it…..5 out of 5 camels! Applause, applause, applause. Whilst a celebrity is hardly ever awarded 5 out of 5, I felt Saint Jennifer did deserve this as she is 40 and somehow has mastered a little camel toe in the front and in the back all whilst dancing and “singing” in the rain. Bravo, J Lo. Here’s to more “toe” in ‘10.
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29
“Excuse Me Ma’am, Do You Happen to Have a Pant-Suit That Will Really Make the Camel Toe Pop?”
Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her husband Darth Anthony spent a little time on the orange carpet at the Miami Dolphins game the other day at the Land Shark Stadium in Miami, FL. J. Glow made sure to steam her denim jumper from the “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” video and put her best foot forward with not snickering whilst holding Darth Anthony’s hand.
In other Saint Jennifer news, if you like listening to your iPod in Times Square you’re going to love this! J. Blow will be performing livein Times Square on “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest. I hope she sings Bailamos. Either way if I make it back to NYC for the ball drop I will be sure to yell from the crowd, “J Lo, did you take the 6 to get here?” as I literally do when I walk by the 6 subway. Sadly after a few drinks it’s always my standby joke. Note to self: Work on new material.
23
Sluts Wear Red….
….but not when it comes to Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx because she’s, well, just a simple girl from the Bronx. As a sidenote, anytime I walk by an entrance to the 6 subway in NYC I always yell down the stairs, “J Lo?” I’m cool like that. It’s sadder because I actually do do that. I said do do.
J Glow was doing her best “pull my finger” prank to the paparazzi (who are for some reason dressed for a snow storm even though it was 60 degrees yesterday in the city) while she was in Midtown attending some business meetings. Some people may see that bump and assume she’s pregnant, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a pouch that she has….kinda like a kangaroo. Basically I figure that Marc Anthony sits in the pouch while Saint Jennifer run errands.
In other J Lo news, there isn’t any.
02
Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and the Case of the Elvis Mullet
No me gusta el palo de las Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx. No yo soy un lapiz. Donde estal el cuarto de bano? These may be all grammatically incorrect Spanish sentences you may be asking yourself when looking at this photo of J Glow as she exited a hair salon in Beverly Hills the other day. Yes, someone actually did this to Saint Jennifer’s hair….on purpose. I’m not quite sure how she’ll be able to sing “Waiting for Tonight” with this Elvis looking mullet on her head. How is she supposed to terribly act in horrific movies with bushy sideburns? Will this new hair style end the career of this simple girl from the Bronx? So many pointless questions to answer, so little time.
While many other websites like the play the “Love it or Leave It? game, I think we should play the “Muppet or Skeeza” game with this photo. So, folks, I ask you: Muppet? Or Skeeza? Let’s play the Feud!
15
J Lo’s Triathlon Officially Cameltoe Free
07
St. Jennifer Lopez and Squiggy Do Italy
Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her husband, Squiggy, really did up Italy big time over the 4th of July weekend. Nice way to celebrate America’s birthday, J Glow, by leaving it and going to Italy. Just a girl from the Bronx seems to forget it’s this crap bag country that made her into what she is today; a mediocre singer, bad actress, decent fly-girl dancer, and fashion designer/sweat-shop manager. Now hop your ass back on “The 6″ and wave a couple of American flags in the Bronx.
Anyway, in other Saint Jennifer news, J Lo has been issued a subpoena last week to testify in a lawsuit over a 1999 nightclub shooting that involved her then boyfriend, Diddy-Puff Daddy-Sean Combs. The subpoena came from the woman, Natania Reuben, who was shot in the face at that club in 1999 and is now suing for $130 million. That’s like the price of 3 rooms in the J Lo compound! Hopefully whilst on the stand she can sing “Waiting for Tonight” and just put all this behind her.
19
Saint Jennifer Lopez & the Twins
What a blessed event. Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her wife, Marc Anthony, get off their private jet with their twins wrapped up in what I can only assume is office rugging from the late 1970’s. She’s just a simple girl from the Bronx, but not the normal Bronx we all know. I’m talking about the Bronx that has private jets. All caught up?
12
Saint Jennifer Lopez Plays Politics
Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her big bag-o-sass quickly walked up the halls of the Hart Senate Office Building yesterday and ducked into Obama’s office. The pictures show J Glow wearing all black (probably to help camouflage her big ass) and sunglasses as office buildings are usually very sunny and bright. Once word in the building spread that the Saint J Lo was there people lost their shit and everyone came running. Really? A lot must not go on in Illinois.
24
I Want My J Lo TV
20
Wanna See J Lo’s Twins?
Wanna see J Lo’s twins and I’m not talking about her ass cheeks! First of all, she made it clear, don’t call her J Lo. Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her two new kids that she shot out of her “gentlemen greeter” were on the cover of People Magazine. Check out Max and Emme in a 12-page spread as they sit there and pretty much that’s all they do because they’re 30 days old.
Hopefully Saint J Glow sings soft lullabies to them such as, “Waiting for Tonight” and “My Love Don’t Cost a Thing.” Those were always sweet songs that were sung to perfection. Sure only dogs could hear some of the notes, but that only adds to the serene nature of the voice of Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx.
Pick up this weeks People Magazine at your local drugstore this Friday right next to the multiple packages of Peeps and to the left of US Magazine that more than likely will have a picture of either Lauren Conrad or Heidi Montag on it.
22
Saint Jennifer Lopez Gives Birth
Rumor has it that when it was taking the kids a long time to come out, J. Glow belted out such wondrous tunes as “Waiting for Tonight” and “If You Had My Love” until the babies bolted out kicking and screaming (similar to the way I react when I hear those songs).
We don’t know these names of these two yet, but I’d like to make the recommendation that we name the girl “Richer than Rich” and we name the boy, “Set for Life.” Anyway, congratulations Saint Jennifer and Ricky Martin on the birth of your kids. Me gusta la ventana!
22
J Lo: Just a Girl From The Bronx
Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx really is just a simple girl from the Bronx who’s attending her simply Bronx-like baby shower at the Gramercy Park Hotel. Oh, her baby shower was thrown by Elaine Goldsmith-Thomas who produced J Glow in the “hit” movie “Maid in Manhattan.” Other simple people that were in attendance were Leah Remini, Roberto Cavalli, Diane Sawyer, and Lupe Lopez. Keeping with the simple theme, the entire place was decorated in blue and pink and Swarovski crystal. One drunken eye witness claimed that J Lo looked “very pretty and very pregnant.” Well let’s hope so, as J Lo is pregnant. If she wasn’t she’d basically just be having a party and stealing some gifts. Now THAT’S more Bronx-like. Just assuming.
Anyway, Saint Jennifer showed up wearing a black coat that kinda looks like those accordion folders and Marc Anthony really classed things up by apparently wearing grey Adidas running pants with black shoes, a see-through black sweater, and a coat that resembles what the crazy dude from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wore. Way to go that extra mile.
08
Mariah, J Lo, and a Pig Walk Into a Bar
Uh, sooooooooooieeeee! Being on stage with J Glow is like being on stage with a pig. I’m just kidding. Being on stage with Lupe Lopze (her mom) is like singing with a pig. That Lupe is a real slam-pig, or so I hear when I’m riding the 6. I have no idea what any of that means. The point is is that I want to hear Mariah and Saint Jennifer singing “Waiting for Tonight” and doing futuristic dance moves. Hell, I’d settle for them both singing Bailamos and/or insert popular Spanglish song from 1998 here ___________.
At this time J Glow has yet to comment on Mariah’s statement as she is still peacing the puzzle together of what exactly Marc Anthony is.
Anyway, let me settle this between these two once and for all. Mariah, don’t dance….ever. J Lo, don’t sing….ever. Mariah and J Lo, don’t act….ever…ever….ever again. Problem solved!
10
Me and St. Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx
So I was walking to work yesterday morning, trying to dodge and weave against the other 212 million people who were also walking to work, when all of a sudden I was walking by Good Morning America and thought to myself, “Is that Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx yelling into a microphone?” And….it was. If only the Olsen Sluts had been there I could have crossed them off the list too. But, since clearly I’m a “the glass is half full” type of guy I decided to detour right and stand there and watch J. Glow perform. And perform she did. I never admit when I’m wrong, but I will this time I will. Saint Jenny was actually….wait for it…wait for it….wait for it….singing. She was not lip-syncing, but actually using her voice and throwing it into the microphone.
So I stood there for about 3 minutes when I realized, wait a minute..I don’t actually like J Lo music. So I turned to leave when Diane Sawyer runs on stage and says into the camera that “J Lo has shut down Times Square.” Really? Shut down? If you mean there were about 250 people standing in front of the stage then “sure” Times Square was shut down. Just what J Glow needs….more fuel to add to her ego. J Lo was jumping around so much on stage that I’m thinking if she is pregnant, she isn’t anymore. Good day.
