Everyone keeps on blaming Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears for their crazy ways. They (allegedly) having drinking and drug problems. I don’t blame them. However, everyone keeps on looking past one common thread: Promises Rehab. What in the hell goes on at Promises Rehab? Whatever it is that they do there, it doesn’t seem to be working. As opposed to writing an open letter to Dina, Lindsay, or Michael Lohan – I’ve decided to write an open letter to a building; Promises Rehab.

How are you? I’m fine. What’s new? N/M/H. I have a quick question for you, Promises. What the hell takes place at your facility? I always thought it was a rehab facility, but now I kind of think it’s just a club. I feel like it’s Hyde 2.0. Is your “club” a place for celebrities to drink and do lines of coke off of a public toilet? Whatever you do there to help doesn’t seem to be working. In fact, it seems to make these celebrities worse. Maybe your facility shouldn’t be so nice and “ritzy.” Maybe Lindsay doesn’t need to play tennis on your property and be allowed to go out to the gym 6 times a day. Maybe, just maybe, you should be strapping people to their beds and force them to listen to the entire soundtrack of “The Bodyguard” until the alcohol and drugs run from their systems. The only downfall of this method is that they may develop and unhealthy hatred for Whitney Houston, but that’s a whole different issue. Anyway, Promises, do you have a free one-day pass that you could provide me? I kinda want to check it out. It looks like a blast.

Is Lindsay No Pants “with child” while vacationing at Promise of a New Day Rehab in Malibu? Not really, but every other blog tends to circle the stomach of a celebrity and question if they’re pregnant, so I figured why not jump on the bumpwagon. More importantly, Lindsay went for a hike while in rehab with some other rehab goers. Do you think they’re psyched that they’re pictures are going to be plastered all over the place? Oh well, that’s what they get for having a “problem.” You want to have a drug and/or drinking problem? You get your picture taken. Next time you want to do “the drugs” you remember that. Actually, I say if you’re in California you should start doing drugs because chances are that when you check yourself into rehab you’ll get to make friends with a major celebrity. Hmmm, I should head out to CA.

I don’t care what they say, rehab sounds like a blast. First off, you get all your meals cooked for you. Second, you get to not work. Third, you can work out all you want since there isn’t much else to do. Fourth, you clearly get to leave as much as you want. Tenth, you can your own personal driver. That’s what’s going on here where Lindsay had one of her Promises Rehab counselors drive her to her apartment. I’m not convinced that’s a Promises workers though. I’m almost positive that it’s Star Jones. Well, it’s either Star Jones or “BeetleJuice” from The Howard Stern Show.

In other “Lindsay Lohan Pity Party News,” Shannon Doherty is the latest celebrity to toss her name into the Lindsay Lohan publicity ring. Shannon tells People Magazine, “My heart goes out to all of them and I certainly hope that they keep their heads up and most importantly they keep their self-respect. When I went and got drunk at a bar when I was 12 years old, it was like the biggest deal in the world. And now these girls, that’s like a night at home for them. I don’t know why it’s acceptable, and now at my age I look at it and I’m like, ‘Oh, honey, don’t do that.’ It’s growing pains, right? Everybody’s got to grow up and make their own decisions. All those girls will learn something from the experience, and that’s all that matters.”

Thanks Shannon! It’s great to get your opinion on this matter. Also, bonus points for using the 80’s sitcom “Growing Pains” in your statement. Kirk Cameron would be proud.

According to In Touch Weekly, Lindsay No Pants has carted her freckled arse back to a little place called, “rehab.” Actually, she’ll be spending some time at “Promise of a New Day” in Malibu where Britney Spears “vacationed” for a month. What’s great about this is that I get to recycle all of my “Promise of a New Day” jokes! What’s better than that?!?

A close drunken friend of Lindsay has said, “She finally realizes it’s the right thing to do….she’s going willingly.” Wait, isn’t this the $50,000 a week rehab? Yeah, who wouldn’t want to go to that? I’d go if I could afford it and I don’t even have a problem. I mean, I’d totally pretend I would just to be able to stay there for a month. Hmmm, I have a brilliant idea. If the IBBB readers donate $50,000 to me, I’ll check myself in to Lindsay’s rehab playground and become her tennis partner. I can then help her shave her head, explain to her how she, too, is the anti-Christ, and will formally change her name to Lindsay No Pants. It will totally be worth the money.