Rumor (Willis) has it that Britney Spears has checked her arse back into rehab, according to X17Online.com. I hope this isn’t true, as a sober and cleaned up Britney is a boring and uninteresting Britney. If this is true, I hope that she goes to Promises Rehab, as that place seems like a real blast. I mean they have tennis, volleyball, shuffleboard, and is rumored to also have weekly Bingo. Awesome!

Britney was recently charged with a little “hit and run” and driving without a license. Luckily there is no law that is currently in place that says you can’t drive without underpants. Pheeew! That was a close one for Britney. If found guilty, Britney could face up to 1-year in jail (6-months for each charge), but I’m sure she’ll just have to pa a fine. I mean, Lindsay Lohan basically killed someone, Nicole Richie drove up the wrong side of the freeway while on drugs, and Paris Hilton drove without her license about 15 times. These three whores served a total of about 45 minutes in jail. I’m sure Britney will be fine. On a sad note, Britney doesn’t have much else to shave. Maybe she’ll pull out her front tooth. Ohhhh I hope it’s that.

UPDATE: Britney, thankfully, is NOT in rehab as X17 originally thought. Pheeew! Back to drinking and flashing your “gentlemen greeter.” God bless!

Did anyone witness that dog actually walking? My money is on that it’s a stuffed dog that has about $50,000 worth of coke shoved inside of it and Lindsay will simply drag that dog back to Camp Rehab. Anyway, Lindsay continues her nation-wide victory tour of rehab facilities and goes for a hike. As a side note, “no” those are not white socks she’s wearing, those are her legs. Apparently spending the day in the sun yesterday “rafting” repels any form of a tan on Lindsay No Pants.

I was jealous when Lindsay No Pants was at Promises Rehab because that place just looked awesome. Even when Lindsay was at Wonderland Rehab I was jealous because it seemed like a really nice hotel and I could certainly use some rest and relaxation. Once again I am very jealous of the rehab that Lindsay is attending in Utah. This place must be so cool! I mean, you get to go white-water rafting!? Are you kidding? I would need to figure out if that was included in my rehab price or if I would have to purchase it separately, but I’d totally want to do that. Lindsay is so lucky to be a booze-hound and a crack-whore because she gets to have to much fun at rehab. I hope Lindsay remembers to put on some extra SPF while out on the water all day. I don’t want to see her freckle in the sun.

Who Shot That Bandanna!?!

According to my close friends at TMZ.com (they don’t know me) have some of the first pictures of Lindsay No Pants in sunny Utah and just taking a short break from rehab. I know that if I were to take a break from rehab (which I would never do…I mean even beginning attending rehab) my very first stop would be to get my tan on! Allegedly Lindsay went in for a quick spray tan and then headed back to rehab. I think it’s important to be as tanned as can be when your body is shaking from the lack of alcohol and drugs. Plus, Lindsay needs to look extra purdy when she heads off to prison. Just a guess.

Everyone keeps on blaming Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears for their crazy ways. They (allegedly) having drinking and drug problems. I don’t blame them. However, everyone keeps on looking past one common thread: Promises Rehab. What in the hell goes on at Promises Rehab? Whatever it is that they do there, it doesn’t seem to be working. As opposed to writing an open letter to Dina, Lindsay, or Michael Lohan – I’ve decided to write an open letter to a building; Promises Rehab.

How are you? I’m fine. What’s new? N/M/H. I have a quick question for you, Promises. What the hell takes place at your facility? I always thought it was a rehab facility, but now I kind of think it’s just a club. I feel like it’s Hyde 2.0. Is your “club” a place for celebrities to drink and do lines of coke off of a public toilet? Whatever you do there to help doesn’t seem to be working. In fact, it seems to make these celebrities worse. Maybe your facility shouldn’t be so nice and “ritzy.” Maybe Lindsay doesn’t need to play tennis on your property and be allowed to go out to the gym 6 times a day. Maybe, just maybe, you should be strapping people to their beds and force them to listen to the entire soundtrack of “The Bodyguard” until the alcohol and drugs run from their systems. The only downfall of this method is that they may develop and unhealthy hatred for Whitney Houston, but that’s a whole different issue. Anyway, Promises, do you have a free one-day pass that you could provide me? I kinda want to check it out. It looks like a blast.

Is Lindsay No Pants “with child” while vacationing at Promise of a New Day Rehab in Malibu? Not really, but every other blog tends to circle the stomach of a celebrity and question if they’re pregnant, so I figured why not jump on the bumpwagon. More importantly, Lindsay went for a hike while in rehab with some other rehab goers. Do you think they’re psyched that they’re pictures are going to be plastered all over the place? Oh well, that’s what they get for having a “problem.” You want to have a drug and/or drinking problem? You get your picture taken. Next time you want to do “the drugs” you remember that. Actually, I say if you’re in California you should start doing drugs because chances are that when you check yourself into rehab you’ll get to make friends with a major celebrity. Hmmm, I should head out to CA.

I don’t care what they say, rehab sounds like a blast. First off, you get all your meals cooked for you. Second, you get to not work. Third, you can work out all you want since there isn’t much else to do. Fourth, you clearly get to leave as much as you want. Tenth, you can your own personal driver. That’s what’s going on here where Lindsay had one of her Promises Rehab counselors drive her to her apartment. I’m not convinced that’s a Promises workers though. I’m almost positive that it’s Star Jones. Well, it’s either Star Jones or “BeetleJuice” from The Howard Stern Show.

In other “Lindsay Lohan Pity Party News,” Shannon Doherty is the latest celebrity to toss her name into the Lindsay Lohan publicity ring. Shannon tells People Magazine, “My heart goes out to all of them and I certainly hope that they keep their heads up and most importantly they keep their self-respect. When I went and got drunk at a bar when I was 12 years old, it was like the biggest deal in the world. And now these girls, that’s like a night at home for them. I don’t know why it’s acceptable, and now at my age I look at it and I’m like, ‘Oh, honey, don’t do that.’ It’s growing pains, right? Everybody’s got to grow up and make their own decisions. All those girls will learn something from the experience, and that’s all that matters.”

Thanks Shannon! It’s great to get your opinion on this matter. Also, bonus points for using the 80’s sitcom “Growing Pains” in your statement. Kirk Cameron would be proud.

According to In Touch Weekly, Lindsay No Pants has carted her freckled arse back to a little place called, “rehab.” Actually, she’ll be spending some time at “Promise of a New Day” in Malibu where Britney Spears “vacationed” for a month. What’s great about this is that I get to recycle all of my “Promise of a New Day” jokes! What’s better than that?!?

A close drunken friend of Lindsay has said, “She finally realizes it’s the right thing to do….she’s going willingly.” Wait, isn’t this the $50,000 a week rehab? Yeah, who wouldn’t want to go to that? I’d go if I could afford it and I don’t even have a problem. I mean, I’d totally pretend I would just to be able to stay there for a month. Hmmm, I have a brilliant idea. If the IBBB readers donate $50,000 to me, I’ll check myself in to Lindsay’s rehab playground and become her tennis partner. I can then help her shave her head, explain to her how she, too, is the anti-Christ, and will formally change her name to Lindsay No Pants. It will totally be worth the money.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers (I don’t know what two of those three words mean) pulled an opposite Britney Spears by leaving rehab early and then shaving his head. Dude, if you’re trying to create some buzz about yourself you’re clearly supposed to shave your head and then enter rehab. Such an amateur mistake. Oh, and don’t forget to call yourself the anti-christ and draw “666″ on your forehead.

Anyway Jonathan Rhys Meyers was at some random restaurant in LA fresh outta rehab and drinking coke. Boring. Get back to drinking, stupid. Never quit. Never. I mean, best of luck.

Who Shot The Opposite Britney!?!

Jonathan Rhys Meyers (I only know what one of those words mean) has checked himself into rehab for a little too much of the drinky-drink. I think that’s the technical term for it. Actually he’s in a super fancy AA facility. Jonathan Rhys Meyers was working so much, according to People Magazine that he needed to enter rehab to maintain his recovery. I can relate to that. One time I worked past 5:00 and felt so burnt out that I drove myself right to rehab. I mean, I don’t have a drinking problem, I just figured that’s what you’re supposed to do. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? All these movie stars make rehab seem so fun. I’m getting curious.

P.S – My photoshopping skills have been brought to a new level.

As I skillfully reported last night that Britney would be checking herself out of Promise of a New Day rehab it looks like that actually came true. Britney has un-cuffed herself from the radiator in her room and has left the rehab facility after playing the “get well soon” game for 30 days. No word yet if her green umbrella will be spending an additional 30 days at the facility to deal with its anger issues.

Britney’s manager, Larry Rudolph, gave the following boring statement:

“[Britney] has been released by the Promises Malibu Treatment Center after successfully completing their program.”

Wow. Interesting. If I had issued a statement it would have gone a little something like this:

“After claiming she was the anti-Christ, wreaking havoc, and declaring jihad on the Promises Malibu Treatment Center, Britney Spears has checked out of the facility to claim she is the anti-Christ, wreak havoc, and declare jihad on the following cities: Malibu, Hollywood, and Los Angeles. Please continue to follow her with cameras over the next few weeks as pictures of her taking her first drink could potentially pay for your new home. Good day.”

Who Said That!?!

What a difference a month makes! Britney Spears is planning on breaking free from Promise of a New Day Rehab in Malibu later this week. I didn’t know you could cure “crazy” in just 1 month. I’ve been trying for over 2 years.

Random drunken sources are claiming that she and KFed had an “amazing meeting” on Sunday and are figuring out who will have custody of their two kids (What’s His Face, and, The Other One). I guess the plan will be a 50/50 split for now, but later on Britney will take full custody while KFed will have visitation rights.

Yeah, that’s sweet. Something tells me that part of the 50/50 split will include some of Britney’s money. Look, sure I hope Britney “gets well soon”but she better not get all serious and stuff. Half the reason why people love her is her ability to be psychotic. I love me some crazies. Hopefully Britney will be back to making horribly sung music in no time! Watch out Shakira.