More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives’

I’ve Never Seen Vicki’s Face Move So Much Before!

Apparently The Ivy is like a mosquito trap for Real Housewives cast members.  Vicki from the OC and Ramona from NYC were all buddy-buddy at The Ivy over the weekend as well!  Why wasn’t Kim photographed with them?  What a real jip. 

Creepy Simon and Creepy Alex are going to have a field day with the first photo as Ramona is trying to kiss Vicki right on the fake lips (upstairs lips) and Vicki mustered up enough facial strength to try and move her face and lips away from Ramona and her crazy eyes.  As a sidenote, I couldn’t find one picture of Ramona’s crazy eyes so she either got them fixed or only camera flashes can cure her.

Even more interesting is that in the second picture I’m pretty sure that’s Rhea Perlman in the background, which is a real nice way to start your day. You’re welcome.

Finally It’s Like the World is Back to Normal!

Check Out Real Housewives of Atlanta Recaps Here!

The economy may be in the crap-shack, but I must admit that I feel some comfort in seeing Kim Zolciak from The Real Housewives of Atlanta flashing her rack and smile for the paparazzi while walking into The Ivy in sunny LA over the weekend.  While her Fraggle-like hair has been toned down by 3%, she’s placed more crazy into her eyelashes.  It kinda looks like she has 10 individual Crayola water color paint brushes stapled onto her eyelids.  Just me? Oh screw you.

Had I been at The Ivy I would have held up Kim with a plastic fake cap gun and forced her to sing “Tight Rope” into my cell phone, as I would like that to be my outgoing voicemail message.  Then I would force her to drive me to NeNe’s house so that I could hold her up and force NeNe to sing “I Got a Record Deal, But Aint No One Ever Heard of Me” into my phone because I want that song to be my alarm clock.  Later, I would force Kim to text message me that I’m a “low budget bitch” because I would like that to become my “Out of Office” message on my email.  Yes, my friends, I would be very busy at The Ivy.  Oh, and I’m still pissed how Kim deleted me as a friend on Myspace. 

Real Housewives Recaps 

Real Housewives of New Jersey. My Mind Just Imploded!

I don’t want to oversell this, but the best show that has ever been created is going to air on May 12th.  I, of course, am talking about The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  I’m almost speechless.  Almost.  To me, the Real Housewives of New Jersey seems like it’s going to be “The Naked Gun” of the entire Housewivesseries.  My crystal ball may have a crack in it (and filled with crack) but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we are sure to capture every single Jersey stereotype that exists…and we’ll probably see some new ones that are about to exist.  I plan on recapping the absolute piss out of this show.  I may type so much that I’ll break each of my fingers.  Well, let’s hope not because I am sans health insurance.  Speaking of which, can anyone prescribe me the Z-pack?  I just want it “just in case.”  Anydirty, below is a snippet of each of these characters.  Buckle up!

Teresa Giudice: No surprise that Teresa is born and raised in Jersey.  She’ll be playing the “Kim Zoliack” of the group, I predict.  It looks like she took Kim’s weave and rubbed shoe polish all over it to darken it up.  As a sidenote, she also reminds me of Dottie from “Truelife: I’m a Jersey Shore Girl.”  Teresa is married to some rich dude and raises 3 kids.  They’ll likely hate her for this in 10-15 years.

Jacqueline Laurita: I’ll have to confirm, but I think that Jacqueline is really Jamie from MTVs “Rich Girls.”  Ok, it’s not, but this is what I assume she would have looked like as an adult.  She also has a Ricki Lake vibe.  Jacqueline owns some apparel businesses and worked in Vegas for a while.  Boring.

Dina Manzo: Dina totally looks like a dude, so her last name is fitting.  Layup joke alert.  Dina Man,So? is an interior designer and sister of Caroline and her rich husband owns a catering company.  I predict Dina will be getting into a weave-chicken-fight with Teresa, who, at this point, still seems to be my favorite based on looks alone.

Danielle Staub: Danielle looks like a younger and less cracked out version of Cuntess Lu Ann Delessepps.  Danielle says, “You either love me or you love to hate me, there is no in between.”  I hate you.

Caroline Manzo: Sister of Dina, married for 25 years, and owns 2 successful businesses (not after this!).  Caroline completes the all-white cast and isn’t really compared to any other housewife in the series. Ugh.  If I wanted to watch an old woman with spiked hair I’d put in reruns of Webster and see what Ma’am Paupadopolis is up to. Oopa!

This is sure to be an absolute disaster.  I love how they’re intentionally bringing this series into the gutter.  As a way to prepare for the wonder that is New Jersey, I order you suggest you buy some awesome New Jersey t-shirts NOW at www.JerseySucks.net.  Get them now before everyone else and be the trendsetter before your douche-bag friends think of it.  You’ll thank me later.

TAMRAAAAA is Going to Lose Her Dried Out Fried Weave Over This!

Check Out Real Housewives of Orange County Recaps Here!

Me gusta Gretchen, but Tamra must be so psyched to see these pictures of Gretchen on a boat kissing Slade that she’s probably not even going to have time to pimp out/have sex with her creepy son. And that’s saying a lot!  You will remember Slade from Season 1 of the Real Housewives of Orange County.  He was the one who went out with Jo and almost drove over his mailbox chasing her down when she broke up with him.  Those were the days.

Gretchen’s fiance died last September from cancer and now 6-months later she’s on a boat.  Oh, and kissing some dude. How dare she move on with her life when she has reality show fans to answer to and please!? Does she still have her engagement ring on?  Trashtastic!  Most hate Gretchen because of these kind of shenanigans, but I love her more for it.  She’s owning it. I say give her a spinoff!  Call it something catchy like, “Gretchen Rossi: Burning in Hell and Loving It.”  Ba da ba ba ba I’m lovin’ it!

Real Housewives of OC Reunion: Tamra is White Trash Garbage.

Who caught the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion special?  Well I caught it like the flu.  Overall it was a bit of a let-down, but I guess I compare it to the 57 car pileup that was the Atlanta Housewives reunion special.  But let me just say this, I feel the need (as a complete loser) to defend and speak on Gretchen’s behalf after Tamra threw her under the bus.

If you recall, out of nowhere, Tamra let the cat out of the bag in regards to Gretchen possibly dating some guy named Jay while she was engaged to Jeff.  Whether or not it’s true, who cares?  This is reality television.  Gretchen could steamroll over an entire football team in Jeff’s hospital room and I wouldn’t think less of her.  I’m morally responsible like that.  Anyway, Tamra tee’d off on Gretchen and Gretchen kinda just took it. 

Who the hell is Tamra?  She’s just some 40-something white-trash garbage heap who married into some money with a pervy-incest-loving son who would bang his mom, aunt, and cousin all at the same time while the Bravo cameras rolled.  Her freckly overly tanned boobs are always pushed up to her chin and her Scarecrow-straw-like hair looks like it’s about to fall out in clumps.  She wears that one shirt with those bedazzled diamonds around the boobs and has it in every color.  No one wants to be like you, Tamra.  If this is what 30 year old women have to look forward to, open the window and jump now.  Her Lee-Presson Nails only add to her 1991 vibe.  Toss on a hypercolor t-shirt and some Skidz and you’ve completed the package. You’re the “hottest housewife” in the land of $2 dollar sucky-sucky prostitutes.  Mrs Roper is more appealing than you. You think you’re the “cool girl” at the lunch table. You are, however, the cool girl at the lunch table in the town where all the skanks from highschool got knocked up at 17, kept bleaching their hair, got giant boob jobs and then kept that same appearance while turning 41 yrs old. You’re cool at that kind of table. P.S, your house is the smallest one out of everybody’s.

P.P.S –>  Watching Lynne cry and push snot out of her nose should win her some type of award.

P.P.S –> I’m a loser blogger.  I’m allowed to say all of these things, but I speak for 3/4ths of America and .25% of Canada and .33% of New Mexico (is that in the United States?).  I’m not good with math and don’t know what any of those percentages and fractions add up to, but I’m pretty sure it means that most people agree that Tamra is white-triggity-trash.

What did you guys think?