More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives’

Lynne Curtin Can Add Some New Cuffs to Her Collection. Hey Oh!

There’s nothing I like better than Lynne’s cuffs from The Real Housewives of Orange County.  I love when she talks about her cuffs, I love when she shows off her cuffs, and I love when she draws out sketchesof her cuffs.  Cuffs, cuffs, cuffs!  They usually consist of cheap leather, a hot glue gun, and then she just bedazzles the ever loving piss out of them.  Anycuffs, Lynne Curtain and her husband, Frank, were ordered to a court of law the other day to answer questions  in regards to a $1.2 million lawsuit they were supposed to pay to a past business partner (aka, “the hot glue gun”).  Well guess what?  Lynne and Frank never showed up to court.  I assume with Lynne’s new face she is on the run from the law and, well, who the hell knows who Frank is anyway?!

Since Lynne, Frank, and their cuffs were “no-shows” at court, the judge has ordered a warrant for their arrest.  Once Lynne is arrested she should be ordered, by law, to watch her own crapisodes of the Real Housewives and then be forced to take a lie-detector test to prove she is as high as a kite in every scene she’s in.  I want answers, damn it!

No word yet from Lynne and her cuffs could not be reached for comment.

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Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: The One With NeNe’s Drive-By Daddy

Sometimes watching Real Housewives is like looking into a crystal ball of The Hills if the crystal ball was a dumpster and The Hills was watchable television, which is sorta is depending on how many Bud Light’s w/ Lime your stomach can handle.  I’m not sure what any of that meant, but I’ve decided to add The Real Housewives of Atlanta into my mix of shows to watch/recap this week.  I regret it already.  Maybe Andy Cohen will read this and hire me for something.  Maybe I’ll be a guest on this show.  Or maybe I’m destined to poorly photoshop pictures on my blog.  Eh, done and done and done. 

• “If It Doesn’t Make Me Money, I Don’t Do It” ~  We’re in a recession and prostitutes makes money so, well….lather, rinse, repeat as needed.
• “I Don’t Keep Up With The Jones’, I Am the Jones’” ~ If you’re the Jones’ I’m the Kennedy’s.
• “In Atlanta Money and Class Do Give You Power” ~ Apparently there’s a rolling power outage at Kim’s house/duplex.
• “People Are Intimidated By My Success”  ~  If by “people” you mean “viewers” and “intimidated” you mean “horrified” and “success” you mean “personality” then “yes,” “yes,” and “yes.”
• “I’m An Independent Woman Doin’ It For Myself” ~ And the money too a little bit.
• That concludes the opening credits….let’s get onto the show.
• If there’s two things you can count on this season it’s Kim drinking her wine and Sheree talking about her clothing line.  For some reason Janet and ChrissyKim and Sheree are planning on throwing Kandi a surprise engagement party at the same place that Sheree called Kim trailer-trash and tried to pull off her porn wig.  Ah the memories.I’m sure Kandi has always dreamed of having her engagement party thrown by two random chicks she just met and is contractually obligated to hang out with for televisions sake. Anytrash,  Janet and Chrissy Kim and Sheree head up to the roof of where this “stagedgagement party” is going to take place, which overlooks a parking garage and has $7.99 Christmas icicle lights from aisle 5 of Walgreens wrapped around the railing.  They then begin to get educated on what a surprise party is by informing each other on such things as “getting Kandi to the party without her knowing,” “get everyone to the party,” and “yelling surprise when she walks in.”  Phheeeew!  Thank Santa Christ they had that run-through or the party could have been a complete disaster. 
• How come no matter what the event/party is over the past 2 seasons, Sheree needs to inform everyone what the event is and what the overarching theme is.  She’s always like, “This is an engagement party and it’s all about happiness.”  Or, “This is my independence party and it’s all about positivity.”  How about, “This is a lightly-scripted reality show and it’s all about brain rot.”
• NeNe, her uncle, and her writer are heading to Athens, Georgia to see where NeNe grew up (loudly) and to meet her Aunt who raised her. I get a little lost during their car ride because I finally realize what NeNe reminds me of this whole season with her new hairdo.  Ok, so remember Weebles?  You know, those little round people that you would play with when you were little?  Yeah, those.  They all had that plastic hairdo that never moved, but looked like you could just pop it off.  Well that’s what NeNe reminds me of.  A Weeble.  NeNe may wobble, but she won’t fall down.  You’re welcome.
• NeNe is now explaining to us that where she grew up was very rural, although she’s actually saying “rule.”  It’s very “rule.”  I’m originally form Boston so I’m glad I don’t have an accent and mispronounce words.  I rural!
• Ok so the part that I’m pretty confused over is the whole NeNe and her mom situation.  Apparently whilst growing up NeNe lived with her Aunt, while NeNe’s real mother lived in New York City and worked until she could “get on her feet.”  That all makes sense.  However, we then see the house that NeNe’s real mother bought in Athens when she had enough money….which consisted of this huge home with white columns that would probably sell for at least $650,000 in today’s market.  So what did she do to “get on her feet,” invent White Out?
• As a sidenote, NeNe’s writer’s name is Denene, which I believe is Spanish for “Of NeNe.”  Ole!
• Meanwhile, Sheree got her She delivered and decides to show her friend all of her samples.  After equal praise, Sheree decides to try them all on because she’s a ”perfect model.” No joke, she legit said that.  Why wouldn’t she have her friend model it who, you know, is an actual model.  That’s like hanging out with Julia Child and having the milkman make dinner for the both of you.  I mean it would be crazy if you were hanging out with Julia Child because she’s dead, but you get the point.
• Kandi, her um..er…ugh…eeesh….errrr…..ummm….ex-fiance (?), and her mom all decided to go to group therapy together.  This scene is a huge fail, excpet for the fact that Kandi’s mom gets to say her favorite line, “you got 4 different baby mamas.”  I’m pretty sure Huggies gives her money every time she says, “you got 4 different baby mamas.”  Anyway, I think this situation will soon take care of itself.  Too soon?
• It’s the night of Kandi’s “stagedgagement party” and Kim invites her friend over to fit her for a new wig.  Kim is dressed in a Christmas carolers choir robe with her rack hanging out and her wig-makin’ friend is dressed like the grandmother from The Cosby Show.  At any moment I’m waiting for the Cosby kids to start lip-syncing old songs on the stairs and little Rudy to start belting out “baby, baaaaaabbby!”
• Grandma Huxtable wants to give Kim a whole new look and provides her with a brand new wig.  The camera crew (per court order, I assume) does not film Kim taking off her old blond wig and putting on her new, completely different, band new wig.  She’s like the new Jan Brady!  She is  just wearing the same wig, right?
• We also learn that Kim wears one new wig per day.  So she buys 30 wigs per month and, therefore, spends almost $12,000 on fake hair each and every month.  Kim is spending more money on wigs per year than the average married couple with two incomes will make in 2 years in Georgia.  See you in hell Kim!
• Everyone shows up for the stagedgagement party, which I will now only refer to as “The Party With the Worst Toasts EVER!”  Kandi’s mom is asked to give the first toast to the engaged couple, but she makes Kim go first.  Kim’s beautiful toast starts with “You know they talk sh*t about my man too, like they do you.”  Awww that’s sweet.  Next up, Sheree’s toast to the couple consists of her mentioning her own marriage…and divorce.  Wonderful.  Finally, Kandi’s mom’s toast touches on her wish for that it “works out for Kandi” and they’ll just have to “wait and see.”  Brilliant.  It would have been nicer if they all just poured their drinks over them, kneed him in the nuts, and slapped Kandi in the face.
• Dwight heads over to Sheree’s to check out her She before the fashion show.  Honestly, Dwight scares the crap out of me.  Like, if in the middle of the night I woke up and saw Dwight standing in the middle of my apartment in a suit I would jump out of my 30th floor window.  He’s like the grim reaper to me.  I’ll need to watch a cartoon before I got to bed tonight.  Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
• In the end, after NeNe and crew leave her Aunt’s house, her uncle gets a call from NeNe’s alleged dad-of-the-day and he wants to see her, but not inside his house….somewhere in front of it.  To make things even stranger the plan is to drive by her alleged dad, stop up the street, have her uncle get out, walk back down the street to her alleged father and see if he still wants to meet her.  Huh? 
• Well he does want to meet her so NeNe and the get-along-gang walk over to see him.  He won’t stand up to greet her because his legs hurt (something tells me if he is her real father he’ll be getting some new gold-plated legs soon).
• NeNe thinks her alleged father looks just like her own son.  In all fairness he also kinda looks like Droopy the dog, too though. What? I’m just sayin’ that maybe she’ll want to give a DNA test to Droopy too just to cover all her bases.
• After a quick crazy-train conversation between NeNe and her alleged dad they decide to talk at a later time because her alleged father doesn’t want to talk in front of “The Bird.”  I assumed he was talking about Larry Bird, but I didn’t see any old white dudes standing in the background.  I soon learn that “The Bird” is her uncle and her alleged father doesn’t want to answer her questions in front of her uncle…who is actually not her real uncle because her uncle is actually Curtis’ brother and Curtis isn’t her real father, but her mom (not her Aunt) claimed that Curtis was her real father and now this other dude is claiming that he is NeNe’s real father.  Ugh.  I have no idea.  I can’t keep up.  It’s like trying to put together a family tree after it was hit by a hurricane.
• My blackened heart actually starts to feel a little bad for NeNe because this was all so awkward and she seemed so uncomfortable.  But, well, then I remembered that she was rich and was on a TV show so what more do you need in life, really.

THE END!

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I’ve Never Seen Vicki’s Face Move So Much Before!

Apparently The Ivy is like a mosquito trap for Real Housewives cast members.  Vicki from the OC and Ramona from NYC were all buddy-buddy at The Ivy over the weekend as well!  Why wasn’t Kim photographed with them?  What a real jip. 

Creepy Simon and Creepy Alex are going to have a field day with the first photo as Ramona is trying to kiss Vicki right on the fake lips (upstairs lips) and Vicki mustered up enough facial strength to try and move her face and lips away from Ramona and her crazy eyes.  As a sidenote, I couldn’t find one picture of Ramona’s crazy eyes so she either got them fixed or only camera flashes can cure her.

Even more interesting is that in the second picture I’m pretty sure that’s Rhea Perlman in the background, which is a real nice way to start your day. You’re welcome.

Finally It’s Like the World is Back to Normal!

Check Out Real Housewives of Atlanta Recaps Here!

The economy may be in the crap-shack, but I must admit that I feel some comfort in seeing Kim Zolciak from The Real Housewives of Atlanta flashing her rack and smile for the paparazzi while walking into The Ivy in sunny LA over the weekend.  While her Fraggle-like hair has been toned down by 3%, she’s placed more crazy into her eyelashes.  It kinda looks like she has 10 individual Crayola water color paint brushes stapled onto her eyelids.  Just me? Oh screw you.

Had I been at The Ivy I would have held up Kim with a plastic fake cap gun and forced her to sing “Tight Rope” into my cell phone, as I would like that to be my outgoing voicemail message.  Then I would force her to drive me to NeNe’s house so that I could hold her up and force NeNe to sing “I Got a Record Deal, But Aint No One Ever Heard of Me” into my phone because I want that song to be my alarm clock.  Later, I would force Kim to text message me that I’m a “low budget bitch” because I would like that to become my “Out of Office” message on my email.  Yes, my friends, I would be very busy at The Ivy.  Oh, and I’m still pissed how Kim deleted me as a friend on Myspace. 

Real Housewives Recaps 

Real Housewives of New Jersey. My Mind Just Imploded!

I don’t want to oversell this, but the best show that has ever been created is going to air on May 12th.  I, of course, am talking about The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  I’m almost speechless.  Almost.  To me, the Real Housewives of New Jersey seems like it’s going to be “The Naked Gun” of the entire Housewivesseries.  My crystal ball may have a crack in it (and filled with crack) but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we are sure to capture every single Jersey stereotype that exists…and we’ll probably see some new ones that are about to exist.  I plan on recapping the absolute piss out of this show.  I may type so much that I’ll break each of my fingers.  Well, let’s hope not because I am sans health insurance.  Speaking of which, can anyone prescribe me the Z-pack?  I just want it “just in case.”  Anydirty, below is a snippet of each of these characters.  Buckle up!

Teresa Giudice: No surprise that Teresa is born and raised in Jersey.  She’ll be playing the “Kim Zoliack” of the group, I predict.  It looks like she took Kim’s weave and rubbed shoe polish all over it to darken it up.  As a sidenote, she also reminds me of Dottie from “Truelife: I’m a Jersey Shore Girl.”  Teresa is married to some rich dude and raises 3 kids.  They’ll likely hate her for this in 10-15 years.

Jacqueline Laurita: I’ll have to confirm, but I think that Jacqueline is really Jamie from MTVs “Rich Girls.”  Ok, it’s not, but this is what I assume she would have looked like as an adult.  She also has a Ricki Lake vibe.  Jacqueline owns some apparel businesses and worked in Vegas for a while.  Boring.

Dina Manzo: Dina totally looks like a dude, so her last name is fitting.  Layup joke alert.  Dina Man,So? is an interior designer and sister of Caroline and her rich husband owns a catering company.  I predict Dina will be getting into a weave-chicken-fight with Teresa, who, at this point, still seems to be my favorite based on looks alone.

Danielle Staub: Danielle looks like a younger and less cracked out version of Cuntess Lu Ann Delessepps.  Danielle says, “You either love me or you love to hate me, there is no in between.”  I hate you.

Caroline Manzo: Sister of Dina, married for 25 years, and owns 2 successful businesses (not after this!).  Caroline completes the all-white cast and isn’t really compared to any other housewife in the series. Ugh.  If I wanted to watch an old woman with spiked hair I’d put in reruns of Webster and see what Ma’am Paupadopolis is up to. Oopa!

This is sure to be an absolute disaster.  I love how they’re intentionally bringing this series into the gutter.  As a way to prepare for the wonder that is New Jersey, I order you suggest you buy some awesome New Jersey t-shirts NOW at www.JerseySucks.net.  Get them now before everyone else and be the trendsetter before your douche-bag friends think of it.  You’ll thank me later.

TAMRAAAAA is Going to Lose Her Dried Out Fried Weave Over This!

Check Out Real Housewives of Orange County Recaps Here!

Me gusta Gretchen, but Tamra must be so psyched to see these pictures of Gretchen on a boat kissing Slade that she’s probably not even going to have time to pimp out/have sex with her creepy son. And that’s saying a lot!  You will remember Slade from Season 1 of the Real Housewives of Orange County.  He was the one who went out with Jo and almost drove over his mailbox chasing her down when she broke up with him.  Those were the days.

Gretchen’s fiance died last September from cancer and now 6-months later she’s on a boat.  Oh, and kissing some dude. How dare she move on with her life when she has reality show fans to answer to and please!? Does she still have her engagement ring on?  Trashtastic!  Most hate Gretchen because of these kind of shenanigans, but I love her more for it.  She’s owning it. I say give her a spinoff!  Call it something catchy like, “Gretchen Rossi: Burning in Hell and Loving It.”  Ba da ba ba ba I’m lovin’ it!

Real Housewives of OC Reunion: Tamra is White Trash Garbage.

Who caught the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion special?  Well I caught it like the flu.  Overall it was a bit of a let-down, but I guess I compare it to the 57 car pileup that was the Atlanta Housewives reunion special.  But let me just say this, I feel the need (as a complete loser) to defend and speak on Gretchen’s behalf after Tamra threw her under the bus.

If you recall, out of nowhere, Tamra let the cat out of the bag in regards to Gretchen possibly dating some guy named Jay while she was engaged to Jeff.  Whether or not it’s true, who cares?  This is reality television.  Gretchen could steamroll over an entire football team in Jeff’s hospital room and I wouldn’t think less of her.  I’m morally responsible like that.  Anyway, Tamra tee’d off on Gretchen and Gretchen kinda just took it. 

Who the hell is Tamra?  She’s just some 40-something white-trash garbage heap who married into some money with a pervy-incest-loving son who would bang his mom, aunt, and cousin all at the same time while the Bravo cameras rolled.  Her freckly overly tanned boobs are always pushed up to her chin and her Scarecrow-straw-like hair looks like it’s about to fall out in clumps.  She wears that one shirt with those bedazzled diamonds around the boobs and has it in every color.  No one wants to be like you, Tamra.  If this is what 30 year old women have to look forward to, open the window and jump now.  Her Lee-Presson Nails only add to her 1991 vibe.  Toss on a hypercolor t-shirt and some Skidz and you’ve completed the package. You’re the “hottest housewife” in the land of $2 dollar sucky-sucky prostitutes.  Mrs Roper is more appealing than you. You think you’re the “cool girl” at the lunch table. You are, however, the cool girl at the lunch table in the town where all the skanks from highschool got knocked up at 17, kept bleaching their hair, got giant boob jobs and then kept that same appearance while turning 41 yrs old. You’re cool at that kind of table. P.S, your house is the smallest one out of everybody’s.

P.P.S –>  Watching Lynne cry and push snot out of her nose should win her some type of award.

P.P.S –> I’m a loser blogger.  I’m allowed to say all of these things, but I speak for 3/4ths of America and .25% of Canada and .33% of New Mexico (is that in the United States?).  I’m not good with math and don’t know what any of those percentages and fractions add up to, but I’m pretty sure it means that most people agree that Tamra is white-triggity-trash.

What did you guys think?

Real Housewives of New York City: Trainwreck Edition is About to Begin

Pistol whip your TIVO because the Real Housewives of New York City: Trainwreck Edition is about to start the hell up.  The whole crazy-train gang attended the Season 2 Premiere Party at the Palace Hotel yesterday in New York City.  I’m surprised they didn’t hold the premiere party at Simon and Alex’s crack-house in Brooklyn (I’m sure they could have asked Mrs. Rossini to clean the apartment and make some raviolli).

I love how no matter what picture is taken of her, Ramona always looks like a police officer is shining a flashlight in her face and giving her a drug test.  Equally as amusing is Simon and Alex.  They’re not particularly doing anything comical, but just looking at them is entertainment enough.

This season we are introduced to Kelly Killoren, who the rest of these skanky-skankersons dislike.  They should have thrown Nene into the mix just for good measure and, perhaps, Kim’s wig.  Maybe they could have had Nene wear Kim’s wig and play a different character.  Why am I not writing for this show?

Luann de Lesseps Alert! Er, I Mean Cuntess de Lesseps. Pardon My Ignorance.

Oh snap! You better be on your best behavior and put on your classy-pants because Countess Luann de Lesseps (the best one out of all the Lesseps) was on the red carpet at the JCPenney “Style Your Spring” event in New York City last night.  So, uh, JCPenney?  Oh yeah?  I always assumed Luann was a little more regal than “The Penney.”  Isn’t that almost like going to a Walgreens red carpet event?

Who else is a big loser-tool-bag like me and is kinda pumped about the new season of The Real Housewives of New York City that’s starting up next week?  From the commercials it looks like everyone hates each other and fights the whole time.  Sweet.  Looks like they took a cue from the success of the Real HOusewives of Atlanta.  Who knows, maybe Bethany will find herself a fab-uh-lous ath-uh-lete?

Deshawn Snow Peaces Out of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Time to Downsize.

Drunk Gretchen from Real Housewives of the OC Makes Me Want to Actually Watch The Real Housewives of the OC. Score!

Like many of you, IBBB reader and friend – Debil Dog, has asked me numerous times to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County. She was adiment about me watching last nights episode so I Tivo’d Nip/Tuck and tuned in for the drunken debacle that was RHoOC.

First off, watching Tamra go to etiquette class is like watching Britney Spears trying hard not to say “y’all.” She’ll never quite get there. After completing her class, Tamra decided to throw a fancy dinner with some random chef for the whole cast. This consisted of food and a ton of alcohol. Sadly, I was without alcohol so I could barely make it through this crapisode. That was until Gretchen started to get shit-tanked.

Look, Gretchen is hot. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. I just wish she looked more like she was 30 and not so much like 40 and like one of “Barker’s Babes” from “The Prices is Right.” Let’s take a journy out of the 90’s and head on in to 2009.

With all that said, Gretchen totally made this episode. She got drunk. And when I say “drunk” I really mean “one tequila shot away from getting her stomach pumped.” I love when reality show people get real drunk and not faux-drunk. Gretchen was slurring her words, grabbing her boobs, lifting up her dress, and flirting with Tamra’s creeptastic son, Ryan, who looks like he’s ready to become a professional diddler. My favorite part, of course, was when Gretchen started to yell out “Tamraaaaaaaaaaa TamRaaaaaaaaa.” Pure brilliance. You know the part.

I was a little disappointed at how extra d-baggy Tamra and Vicki were for making sure Gretchen hit the “4th sheet to the wind.” She was fun at 3-sheets, but got a little sloppy at 4-sheets. I figured it was just because Tamra is white-trash, so getting other people hammered is like an Olympic event for her and Vicki is dead inside, so this helped bring her back to life.

The episode ended with Gretchen (who’s engaged to some dude who is in the hospital with cancer) leaving the main party and heading into the bathroom with Tamra’s son. At first you can hear Gretchen telling Ryan that he can’t kiss her or hug her because she’s “with a great guy” already, but then she says that “he’s really turning her on.” Then they cut to …..”to be continued.” Damn it all to hell, now I’m going to need to watch next week. Either way, Gretchen’s hot. Sometimes hotness makes you cheat on people. Sometimes those people are dying in the hospital. Sometimes that happens. And “Ryan” is going to look like even more of a tool if this did happen because he tried to hook up with a drunk chick (which is normally fine) whose fiance is dying in the hospital. Way to go, dude.

Oh, by the way Lynne and her husband were there, but no one seemed to care.

What did you craptastic readers think of this crapisode? Do you think Gretchen went down for a little sucky sucky or do you think it’s just crafty editing?

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Oprah Tries to Fix the Real Housewives of Orange County

Put a cork in your spray tan gun because Oprah’s giving away makeoverrrrrrrrs! Everybody gets a makeover. You get a makeover and you get a makeover and you get a makeover and you get a makeover. Everybody gets a makeooovvvverrrrrrr! Ok I’m done.

Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey decided that the chicks from Real Housewives of Orange County not only needed a complete makeover, but they also needed to be hosed off and left to dry hanging on a clothesline. The crew from Oprahland chiseled off six layers of makeup, placed their racks in the witness protection program, and taught the women that there are other hair color options besides “white.” Betty White, that is.

I think the makeovers make them all look 15 years older, although it was nice to get them out of the mid 90’s. Jeana (last photo) looks good and thin too! I wonder if they used that camera that Paula Abdul used in her “Promise of a New Day” video?

P.S –> Tamra looks like Elise Keaton from “Family Ties.”

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She By Sheree Ain’t Got No Skillz, Y’all!

The Real Housewives of New York City: The Band is Back Together!

The New York premiere of “Bride Wars” really brought out all the A-listers the other night. There were many celebrities there, but that’s pretty boring. The Real Housewives of New York City also stopped by the blue carpet and it made me long for them. Of course crazy ass LuAnn Delesepps was there (minus her alleged coke and whoring), as was creepy Simon, his fire faced beard and Alex McCord who seemed to have dyed her hair to match the drapes of everyone in the family. Finally, the house favorite, Ramona Singer, had a little alone time on the carpet whilst her fellow castmates tried their best not to laugh directly at her.

If there could be a Housewives Allstar team I would choose: Romona Singer, Nene Leakes, Kim Zolciak, She By Sheree, and Vicki (in which I would sometimes substitute out for Jill Zarin). This would be the Olympic Dream Team.

I’m a tool.

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Kim’s Wig Must Be Squealing With Delight! NeNe Gets Booted From Her House.

NeNe must have thought she only owed $29, but she really owed like $89. According to AccessAtlanta NeNe Leakes and her husband Greg have gotten the boot from the house that they were living in while filming the Real HOusewives of Atlanta. The broker for the home claims that NeNe and crew moved out in November after they were served an eviction notice in September for failing to pay $6240 in past due rent.

But don’t start spreading rumors that NeNe is broke! She was emailing sassified responses about where she lives now, such as:

“It’s none of your business.” NeNe continued to say that they “are financial able and stable to live wherever we feel fits.” Yes she said “fits.”

Uh oh! This isn’t sounding to good for NeNe. She better start looking to date and marry some famous ath-uh-lete or she won’t be able to live the fab-uh-lous life any longer.

Read the Rest Here

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