More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives’
I would find this completely offensive if it wasn’t 110% accurate. I thought I would share this as I want to live in a world where I can write an episode like this on the regular. Until Bravo smartens up and starts an actual Real Housewives of Boston series, bathe in some of the most recent IBBB Housewives recaps:
After I finished icing my dingle-dangle from watching Real Housewives of Atlanta on Monday, like a battered husband, I went back for more and tuned into Watch What Happens Live where the special guest was NeNe Leakes. While Andy Cohen is my new arch nemesis since he refuses to ever have me work in the Bravo Clubhouse, his mom Evelyn is definitely my new obsession.
Andy and crew played a game of NeNe or NoNo in which they had to decide if a quote being read was either said by NeNe or another cast member. While I was about to yawn, the genius came to life when it was Andy’s mom, Evelyn Cohen, who would read the lines. I know I use the term “brilliant” often but, really, brilliant! My favorites of Evelyn was when she blurted out the following:
“Close your legs to married men, trash box!”
“You’re not a chef, you’re a cook. And it’s creepy!”
Bravo! Bravo! Literally. Check out the clip above and email Andy and someone, for the love of Santa Christ, Jesus Claus, and his teen mom Mary get me somehow involved in that show. I’m not above stalking his mom. Blonk!
Like a little kid in Disney World for the first time, I don’t even know where to start. Danielle Staub (pronounced Staub) stopped by the Pix11 News, which apparently exists, and performed the new “da club” version of her battle hymn “Real Close.” And what performance in a local news studio would be complete without a couple of dancers voguing while the music plays out of a portable radio? At one point the two male dancers perform the lake scene from Dirty Dancing and then Danielle comes out of the smoke wearing a white “wife beater” that says, “Danielle’s Mafia.” So basically this starts in the exact same way all of my nightmares have started the past 2 nights. Interesting, yet not so.
Once Danielle starts singing my ears perk up with delight. I’m thinking, “Is she rapping? Is she talking? Is she whispering?” The answer to that is “yes” she is technically “whisrapking” which makes total sense to me. As a sidenote, these dancers are great. I’m almost certain it’s Ronnie and Pauly D from Jersey Shore and then the other one is the guy who’s friends with Sheree from Real Housewives of Atlanta. To sum up, they’re the new Destiny’s Child.
Suddenly things take a turn (for the better) when Destiny’s Illegitimate Child picks up Danielle up over their heads and start to spin her around. She is so friggin close to the set lights that we’re seconds away from a Michael Jackson/Pepsi Commercial/Fire incident. I mean she’s close, real close and, yes, pun intended. Whilst spinning all of a sudden Dina Lohan comes out and starts singing this as a duet. I don’t care if it really is Lori Michaels, to me it’s seriously Dina Lohan with brown hair and I challenge anyone who disagrees with me to an old fashion duel.
I don’t want to oversell this, but what you are about to watch will be the best thing that your eyes have ever seen and that includes the time you saw Oprah driving through Texas with Gayle sporting Levi 501 blues and full camel.
Teresa, from Real Housewives of New Jersey, was paid in US currency to “star” in a commercial for Sizzle Tans and, well, I haven’t been the same since. This is very reminiscent of Kelly Bundy trying to sell the neeeeeeew Allante! I’m not quite sure I would want to use one of those Sizzle Tan beds, not because other people sweat in them, but because after Teresa delivers her first line it looks like she’s pushing one out but, like a lady, she tries to fit in a smile as she begins the defecation process. Personally I think when the door opened Gia should have been in there with her eyes closed and then suddenly woke up and said, “Derrek!” Bonus points if you remember that.
Joe/Barney Rubble owns and works at a pizza place, laundromat, and section 8 apartment building and Teresa now stars in a tanning commercial. I’m pretty sure we’ve hit every Jersey stereotype one can think of. Ahhhh the American dream.
There’s nothing I like better than Lynne’s cuffs from The Real Housewives of Orange County. I love when she talks about her cuffs, I love when she shows off her cuffs, and I love when she draws out sketchesof her cuffs. Cuffs, cuffs, cuffs! They usually consist of cheap leather, a hot glue gun, and then she just bedazzles the ever loving piss out of them. Anycuffs, Lynne Curtain and her husband, Frank, were ordered to a court of law the other day to answer questions in regards to a $1.2 million lawsuit they were supposed to pay to a past business partner (aka, “the hot glue gun”). Well guess what? Lynne and Frank never showed up to court. I assume with Lynne’s new face she is on the run from the law and, well, who the hell knows who Frank is anyway?!
Since Lynne, Frank, and their cuffs were “no-shows” at court, the judge has ordered a warrant for their arrest. Once Lynne is arrested she should be ordered, by law, to watch her own crapisodes of the Real Housewives and then be forced to take a lie-detector test to prove she is as high as a kite in every scene she’s in. I want answers, damn it!
No word yet from Lynne and her cuffs could not be reached for comment.