More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of orange county’
15
RHOC Recap: There’s a New Peg in Town
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Get your Barker’s Beauties weave out of the waffle iron because it’s time to discuss another touching episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County. Remember when we all were in awe about how much money these people had? I’m pretty sure Tamra is moving into an apartment with the same kitchen cabinets as I had my senior year of college in campus housing. However, who am I to judge? Oh wait.
Anyzincpinklipstick, I must admit that overall the crapisode was a bit of a snooze. I miss people with Jersey accents who beat the bag out of each other on the regular, I guess. This time around we’re all supposed to be interested in Gretchen’s multiple business ventures and Slade working for her. Personally I’d rather watch footage of Gina’s husband and kids berating her on national television, but that’s just me and I have deep rooted mental problems that even proper science and modern medicine can’t handle. Oh, and is it intentional that Slade and Gretchen dress like they’re shooting an ad for Salem menthol cigarettes? It’s like, we get it…you both enjoy wearing all white at all times. I just think we’d all appreciate it if whilst Slade (a man) is wearing white linen pants he also wear underpants with them. Gretchen, however, is allowed to not wear a bra at all times as it is nearly impossible to decipher if she is even standing frontwards or backwards.
Meanwhile, Tamra is still trying to make us believe that she has lesbian tendencies. Again, prove it. Wear clunky shoes. Carry around a lot of keys. Sport a fleece vest. Play the alphabet game with your tongue and a slice of watermelon. Do something. Plus, no one cares. Really, no one does. And, honestly, Tamra’s son is more a lez than she is.
Oh Jesus. And there’s a new housewife in town. She pretends she’s this big blond rich bombshell, yet the universe decides differently as her name is Peg. Oh, and please (for the love of sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom, Mary) save the hate mail. I’m sure your name is Peg or your daughters name is Peg or there is some Peg somewhere that I’m insulting. Relax. It’s still, quite possibly, the least sexy name out there. Look at this for example: “Why don’t you come over here and let me take all your clothes off, PEG.” Or, “How ’bout you start bobbing for apples in my lap, PEG.” Or maybe even this, “Whoa! Did you see the rack on PEG!?” See? It doesn’t really work now does it? Her name might as well be Peg Mildred Bonnie McDingDong-Shrinker.
Anyway, sexy Peg is friends with Alexis who is ready for free session at Glamor Shots at a moments notice and she’s pretty competitive with Peg too. Whilst they are overdressed to go to the park with their kids they battle it out left and right over whose kids are smarter, prettier, better in school, and signed to a model agency. At one point I’m almost certain that Alexis told Peg (burp) that her daughter is the best in her class because she listens the most and the other Olsen Twin can write squiggles the best in her class. Wow! I’m sure NASA is going to want to hear about this! And Peg’s daughter can speak very well for her age. Great. Well I’m glad these kids are so “advance” because they’re going to have to start articulating at a young age that their moms aren’t porn-star-sluts just back from a dumpster gang bang. I hope that one twin can squiggle that.
Meanwhile, Vicki was out in tropical Seattle for an insurance conference. Oh, and she made sure to yell out “woo hoo!” about 500 times this episode. Seriously, “woo hoo” is just about as outplayed as “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Willis!?” Please stop, please stop at once. Vicki brought her daughter and all the people from her office that apparently work for her to Seattle. So let me get this right, Vicki is the boss and yet they’re all staying in the same room as Vicki? How’s your HR issues? After a day/night of drinking everyone was in bed with each other and Vicki ripped the sheets off the one little Asian dude that works for her, looked at his underwear and then slapped his ass. Sure, that’s normal. Actually, what the F do I care. That sounds like a dream come true. In fact, that’s actually what happens around the offices of IBBB. Well, except I’m the only one who works here. Basically, I spank myself. Was that not clear?
Also, too and also, and also, Vicki’s daughter Blah Gunvalson was all freaked out because some dude at the bar was feeling up Vicki’s arm. Really? I’m sure that really wasn’t the case. I mean, no one that’s ever watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas thought at the end, “You know what would have made this way better? If one of the Who’s got felt up.” Watching Vicki in a possible affair-like situation made me slam my laptop shut on my Diddly-Do-Dingitty-Dong until I passed out and came to with scenes of Peg. I then repeated the process.
Oh, and know what I forgot to mention about Peg? She shoots guns with her husband for fun. In fact she wears tight jeans, huge heals, and some kind of J-Lo shirt that’s missing the back but, instead, has all gold rope-like chains holding the whole thing together. Peg looked hot. See? That sentence doesn’t work. Plus there’s something off with her. Almost like she may or may not be “with penis.” Plus in typical Housewife-franchise manner, she is way to old to have hair down to her waist yet she does it. She could also be the sister of Alexis. This is what I assume the Olsen Sluts to look like in about 20 years (if they were on stilts…and really trash bagged it up).
And the episode wouldn’t be complete without a gym scene. This time around, Tamra and Alexis head to the gym with full faces of makeup caked on and their hair professionally done. What a real shame. I bet the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit all hate Alexis. Just me? After working out for 14 seconds, the “ladies” decide to go and grab a drink. This is the part the scared me the most. At first I was like, “Oh cool it’s the same lighting as on The Hills” but then I was like, “Oh, it’s the same lighting that’s on The Hills” meaning that both Tamra and Alexis looked like they were trying to spook each other and “the America.” Seriously it was scary. Tamra looked like friggin’ Medusa and Alexis looked like someone was trying to set Barbie’s plastic face on fire with a hairdryer. I also don’t know what that last part meant. But you get it. Anyway, their conversation was absolute rag-time-bull-sh*t and Alexis was trying to paint the picture that she’s some hot mom who cooks and cleans and then she actually calls herself “Bev Cleaver.” Huh? Did she mean June Cleaver but was kinda thinking about “the Beav.” I bet that makes two of them since Tamra loves to lez it up she’s always got “the beav” on her mind. I would have been like, “Wipe the drool from your mouth you filthy lez.” Ok, I’m done. Oh wait, Tamra is actually trying to tell Alexis that her husband is controlling her just like Simon controlled Tamra, but Alexis isn’t seeing the light. I’m sure at one point when Alexis has to explain her black-eye to the girls in the sewing circle, she’ll finally get it.
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08
Real Housewives of OC Recap: Come to My Party. Buy Clothes in My Kitchen.
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Well we’re back where it all began…in Orange County. Here are 12 things worth discussing during the season premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County:
What in the Christmas F is Alexis Saying This Time? – It wouldn’t be a new season of Housewives With Orange Cunty’s if the cast wasn’t saying some new crap in the opening credits. Seriously, what is Alexis going on about this time? Last season she was slurring something about being high maintenance and this time around I believe she’s reciting Psalms: God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body is sinful. Really? Trust me, even God is giving you the side-eye with your bedazzled hat and cosmic rocket knockers.
It’s Been 5 Minutes. I miss Lynn. – If there are two things I miss right now it’s crispy chicken and Lynn. And, well, considering Lynn was as close to human crispy chicken as anyone (sans George Hamilton) could get, I’m really sad that she’s not featured this season. How will we ever know how her hot-glue-gunned leather cuffs are doing? Thanks Bravo, for nothing.
Gretchen’s Handbags are the New “Lynn’s Cuffs” – I’m already over Lynn’s cuffs. That was fast. Thanks to the success of Gretchen Christine Boobays now you can buy some handbags that may or may not be flame retardant. And thanks to host coach, Marki Costello, who may or may not be on a meth binge now Gretchen is going to be professionally trained on how to sell you a** crap. Marki keeps telling Gretchen that she’s selling the “OC Lifestyle.” Really? Based on the looks of this group, please raise your hand if you’re interested in looking 15 years older than your actual age because you have Pam Anderson 1996 lipstick on and a fried weave. Raise it high. I want to know who you are so I can block you from this site and report you to either DSS or the CIA. I haven’t decided yet. My blog, my choice.
So Vicki Hates Don Again – It’s no surprise that Vicki and Don are ending their marriage and, most likely, going to burn in hell for all eternity…if you believe in what Alexis believes (more on this later). Vicki and Don are moving rugs and furniture all around the house for the hell of it. Basically, Don is like Vicki’s slave. A slave in Whoville? Who knew. Even though in Vicki’s voiceover she keeps saying how much she loves and respects Don, especially after they renewed their vows, we all know the truth. This is basically like seeing a car accident happening in slow motion. I love it.
Burning the Skank Off of Tamra – Since Tamra is a complete genius and doesn’t have sex with her son, she’s off to Dr Tatoff ,which I’m still trying to figure out if it’s real or not, to get the tattoo of Simon’s name on her finger removed since, you know, she got a divorce about 14 hours after the tattoo was done. Oh, and why is Dr. Will from Big Brother in this scene? If someone was going to legally burn me for 15 seconds it probably wouldn’t be done by a cast member of a CBS reality show at a place called Dr. Tatoff. Call me crazy. And I bet when Tamra was getting this removed you could smell the white-trash seeping out of her pores. Tamra claims it’s the worst pain ever, although watching scenes when Tamra tries to be sexy is pretty much the worst pain ever. So it’s debatable, but I win.
Does This Milania “Do Fabulous” Too? – I think it should be a law that any child named Milania should be forced to “do fabulous” when ever I tell them too. Alexis’ daughter Milania is just like Teresa’s daughter Milania, but this one bites. Literally. While Alexis takes a break from watching her kids so she can Shasta McNasty in private, Milania takes a bite out of “the other one” and then gets put in time-out. I would have been like, “Did you just bite your sister? Did you? You Did?! Well you’re gonna go out on the front lawn and ‘do fabulous’ until the sun goes down. You hear me?”
Like a Page Out of the Kim Zolciak Playbook, Tamra Befriends a Lesbian – Tamra may be off the market since she’s banging her ex-husbands best friend, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t befriend the town les. Tamra tries to be all sexy and pretend she’s into her friend, but I don’t buy it for a second. If I were there I would have been like, “Prove it Tamra. Do scissors Do scissors now.” But, that’s just me. Perhaps if you were there you would have simply asked. I think a demonstration proves a lot. Moving on.
3 Things That Alexis Needs to Stop Doing, STAT - (1) Talking about God and her faith in 90% of her one on one interviews. (2) Calling herself “Mommy” on the regular. (3) Pronouncing everything incorrectly (see: A-Mex)
Come to My Party. Buy Clothes in My Kitchen. - Tamra is having a party at her boyfriends house instead of her own because she’s about 2 more seasons away from living out of a 1984 wood-paneled station wagon. That’s just my guess. Either way her party is completely random and the theme is apparently “Shopping for Clothes Out of the Kitchen.” Ole! And all of the clothes are exactly what you would expect from this crew. Everything is bedazzled within an inch of its life and looks like it smells like the basement of a church or the ring around Lohan’s tub.
So I Take it the Producers Told Them to Have More Fights – What’s up with all these fights over completely ridiculous stuff? First off, one the of hats that literally had a bedazzled eye on it was used as a joke between Gretchen and Tamra, but Tamra did not find the hat joke funny, as most people don’t over hat jokes, and she was actually insulted. She tells Vicki what happened the second she walked into the party like someone was just stabbed (and sadly not me in my eyes from watching this trash heap talk). Next up, whilst out side bursting into high-pitch laughing fits, Cackles McFriedWeave is upset that Blessed Mother Alexis McKnockers called her a princess for not wanting to get up to go to the gym so early in the morning. Cackles loses her sh*t and starts talking in a panic as if Jeff came back to life and still wanted to marry her. Meanwhile, Blessed Mother is telling Cackles to calm down because she’s had a little too much to drink all whilst the lesbian starts dancing in between them to try and defuse the situation. Seriously, you don’t want to disrupt a lesbian in heat. They’ll start winking with their vaginastein. It’s been reported.
Breaking News: Gunvalson Got Bangs – She’s like the Tyra Banks of Whoville.
In the End – In the end Cackles McFriedWeave continues to assault her liver and Tamra by owning the fact that she was calling her a b*tch. At least she owns it. Everyone is all surprised that Cackles is turning into an angry drunk, but it’s like she was exposed for the past two seasons as a gold-digging skanasaurus, so what do you expect? Of course she’s going to have some drinks and start attacking. I hope she never stops. I hope she turns into the Charlie Sheen of the OC.
Cackles and crew leave the fiesta, but not before her assistant gets sort of approached by Tamra about doing some eBay work for her? I have no idea. I couldn’t keep up. My brain was filled with thoughts of trying to figure out why Gretchen needs an assistant and what Tamra could possibly be selling on eBay. Scissors? I’ll look into that.
17
Tamraaaaa Barney Dating Current Husband’s Ex-Best Friend, Eddie Judge. That Sentence is White-Trash For “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”
Real Housewives of Orange County trashmember, Tamra Barney, packed up her fake tears, burnt weave, and knock-off sunglasses and moved on to dating her husband’s ex-best friend, Eddie Judge.
Now in all fairness, Tamra is separated from her husband, Simon, and deserves to be plowed until the cows come home like the rest of the middle aged cougars out there. Simon allegedly claims that Tamra was unfaithful when he filed for divorce and claims the “unfaithful..less…ness…ly” took place with a grown man who still calls himself “Eddie.”
Tamra told RadarOnline, “Yes, we’re dating. I know it seems fast but my marriage with Simon has been over for a while.”
I think it’s great. I think it’s awesome that she’s focusing her efforts on a new relationship and not on her young children who are now living in a small apartment without their father. Sure she should be able to move on with her life, but let’s spend some extra time just being a mom and not a reality-show-whore who’s looking for some more camera time. Trash bag.
03
I Assume Kissing Vicki Gunvalson is Like Licking a Who?
If you kissed Vicki Gunval(burp)…Vicki Gunvals (hmmmrph)….Vicki Gu (bleh)….Vicki Gunvalson would you brag about it? That’s the real crime here. According to Star Magazine and Nostradamus, while vacationing in Puerto Vallarta Vicki started flirting and dancing with a 25 year old college student, Mike Pullin (the poor mans Brad Ferro)…and it ended in a kiss (yuck).
Mike Pullin told Star, “Vicki was extremely outgoing and having a great time, like a sorority girl. We clicked immediately and danced to rock ‘n’ roll by Bon Jovi and Journey. She was living it up. She kept talking to me. She was a big flirt.”
Star continues, “When Mike bought a round of tequila shots for their group, Vicki gave him a very special thank you — a big kiss on the lips!”
Alright. I have 3 things to discuss:
- Why are you 25 and still in college? Perhaps stay the hell out of Puerto Vallarta and hit the books, bricks.
- Who says, “…and danced to rock ‘n’ roll’ by Bon Jovi?” Why not just call the club “el discoteca” and call it a day.
- Why are you proud and telling anyone that your lips touched Vicki’s Whoville face?
However, Vicki is telling a bit of a different story. She told People Magazine, “He told me it was his birthday and wanted a birthday kiss. He seemed nice, but very star struck! I never ‘made out’ with him, as he stated. I never let him touch me inappropriately — ever.”
If I were Vicki I would say the photo was photoshopped and she was busy working….it was 1:00 in the afternoon. Who goes to Puerto Vallarta at 1:00 in the afternoon? I work. So that answers that.
29
Real Housewives of Orange County: Lynne’s Drunk Tears and High Pitched Squeaks
Did other things happen in last nights crapisode of Real Housewives of Orange County besides Lynne’s drunken meltdown? Sure. Are we going to go into detail about those things? Nope.
If you missed the episode let me catch you up. Stuff happened. Caught up? Good. The most important part of the show was the last 9 – 10 minutes (or 9 – 10 minutes, for those of you reading this in England). Whilst at a pointless cooking party at Alexis’ house, Lynne tossed on a chef hat and threw back some champagne. Hey, every day is a celebration when you have a new store-bought face!
Was it just me or did everyone at the cooking party of horror seem like a sweaty mess? Lynne’s poor face looked like it was actually melting and for some reason her hair looked like she had a comb-over. It looked like it was burnt and smelled like a mix of AquaNet, cigarettes, and a pile of Lynne’s leather cuffs that were left out in the sun too long. Just me? Moving on. Lynne was already on edge from earlier in the episode when her daughter Alexa (the only voice of reason in the family who doesn’t seem to be constantly high) confronted Lynne about her craptastic parenting, or lack thereof, and then accused her mom of only using her to promote her damn cuffs, which she then took off and threw on the table. Sidenote, Lynne was more upset that her cuffs may be damaged than Alexa having a psychiatric meltdown in the middle of the food-court of the mall. Anyway.
Once Lynne knocked back a few glasses of wine and made the obligatory “hung like a horse” joke about her husband, the girls all settled in to a nice dysfunctional family dinner. All was going well until Gretchen brought up the situation with Alexa, which I believe has been talked about in the past 5 episodes. We get it, she’s unhappy and hates her family. She’s 16. What else is new?!
Lynne, to me, seems like she’s about 15 sheets to the wind. She starts off the confrontation slow and somewhat controlled, while also slurring everything she’s saying. When talking about Alexa she says, and I quote, “Alexa has a tend-en-cy (hiccup) to over dram-matic-tize things.” Brilliant. Lynne also slurs and tries to explain to everyone that unless you have a child you don’t know. Unless you have…you can’t say. Yeah, Lynne, we get it. Sort of. You’ve been saying it 100 times in a row. Someone bang the table and make this record stop skipping, no?
Then, in proper “The Hills” style, the editing machine went haywire! Lynne points to Gretchen and says, “You know what? F*ck you!” but then they mute out the rest of what she says, the sound changes, and then we just see random facial expressions from everyone at the table. These facial expressions probably had nothing to do with what was just said, but I’m fine with it. Although, Tamraaaaa seems to be fidgeting an awful lot. Maybe the salad dressing gave her the Shasta McNasty’s?
Then the shaky tears start. Well, shaky tears and random thoughts start, like when Lynne says her kids were little and watching freakin’ Barney. Uh, ok. Then the real tears come and Lynne is squeaking so high that all of a sudden the Von Trapp family kids came and lined up in front of me with their blue sailor suits on. It was weird. Lynne continues by squeaking that she’s trying to be a good mom and do everything she can, but it’s hard being a mom in Orange County and it’s hard just living in Orange County. I bet it’s getting harder to get meds in the Orange County too these days.
Poor Lynne. I actually felt a little bad for her at the end. Well, I was laughing because when she cried it look like her face was falling off and I did laugh when she was crying and said, “having teenagers is freakin’ scary man. It’s freakin’ scary!” but I still felt a little bad. Oh Lynne, just make everyone some of those hot cuffs and call it a day. The cuffs will set you free.
***Next week it appears Lynne gets evicted from her new home. Isn’t this the second time this happened?***
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