More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of orange county’

Real Housewives of Orange County: Wine Glass Boobs

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When did RHOC turn into a worse show than Real Housewives of DC?  The bad news is that I’m stuck in Jury Duty and am trying to recap this crap from memory.  The good news is that once I’m free from my “civic duty” I shall be recapping my Jury Duty experience.  It’s bound to be more entertaining than last nights RHOC.  Oh, and please don’t yell at me for forgetting your favorite part as I am not a court stenographer, although watching one all day in court makes me jealous of her typing skills by only using what I can only assume is 4 keys.

So it’s another sunny day in Orange County and Peggy wants to draw attention away from her protruding penis by going to her doctor to get her knockers “re-put in.”  I think that’s the medical term at least.  I think it’s great that Peg wants store bought new boobs inserted into her body by way of knife and anesthesia.  While she almost always refuses to do anything less than holistic it’s great that she makes an exception for her aging rack.  Her husband, who I’m pretty sure is the adult version of Flick from “A Christmas Story” is gung ho for her new boobs as long as she’s able to hold a wine glass between them when the surgery is over.  A wine glass, a gun, same difference.  I think doctors should be able to make additional decisions for you whilst you’re in surgery.  For example, while they’re tossing honkers into her chest, they should also cut her hair as no adult woman should have fried hair hanging down to their arse.  Legally, this should be an option.  I plan on marching on Capitol Hill about this so, well, join me.

Meanwhile, they’re still trying to force the storyline of Gretchen throwing her parents a surprise 40th Anniversary party down our throats.  This included Gretchen faux-breaking in to their house to get her mom’s dress size as she’ll also be surprising her with a wedding dress the day of the party.  Sounds terrible!  This entire segment was pointless and made me long for the days when the Olsen Twins would make direct to VHS movies like “To Grandmother’s House We Go,” you know, the one where they’d dress up like detectives and just repeat the lines that their real-life mother would say out loud to them off set all whilst they looked directly into the camera and then eventually sang “I’m the Cute One.”  Really?  Which one of you is supposed to be the cute one?  Sounds like a losing song to me.  But I digress.

Next up, Tamra has gone all Zolciak and is posing topless for the No H8 campaign.  The best part of this was the fact that Tamra had duct tape over her mouth the whole time.  If only she was partnered up with Vicki during this photoshoot this entire crapisode may have been tolerable.  I love how Tamra is still trying to convince us that she has lesbian tendencies.  Lets just say that I’d be more convinced that Tamra passed the 9th grade than played scissors by choice.

Hooray, the token lesbian, Furnani, is an American Citizen…oh, and they’re going to film her Citizenship party?  Oh, alright.  I guess.  Perhaps they’ll play “Pin the Scissors on the Gentleman Greeter?”  So is Furnani, like, a main character now?  Why isn’t she holding up an orange during the opening credits then?  Do they assume a lesbian can’t be trusted with an orange and think she’ll just lift her legs?  Someone ask Andy Cohen, my possible arch nemesis, what he thinks.

Tamra can’t make it to Furnani’s party because she’s busy moving out of her Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure and filming scenes with her Level III (allegedly) Eddie.  He is creeptastic without the tastic.  Every time he smiles at her I’m waiting for him to start diddling her moments later.  Eddie is about to throw a b*tch fit because Tamra still hasn’t thrown away her wedding dress, wedding candle, wedding champagne glasses or given up her kids for adoption.  He ends up having to leave the garage because he’s so upset and needs to blow off some steam.  Who’s steam? Hey-oh!  Tamra ends up throwing her champagne glasses into the dumpster and crying, which is ironic because I assume that is the same location where she met Simon and, ironically, with the same reaction.

I’m definitely all over the place in terms of the time frame and events of this episode but, guess what, it could be worse…I could be forced to watch it again after Jury Duty.  Back over at Vicki’s house, Donn pretty much knows the writing is on the wall and he’s about one more episode away from turning into Greg from RHOA.  I’m just waiting for Vicki to start yelling at Jeana, “You let Donn borrow $10,000 dollars?  $10,000 dollars?  $10,000 DOLLARS?  Bloop, bloop, bloop!”  Vicki and her family are all having a wondrous dinner where everyone looks like they’re on suicide watch and are all equally blaming Vicki for never being around enough to have these family dinners, especially since she works every night until almost 1am.  Seriously, who’s selling insurance that late?  If you’re calling the east coast, get up earlier.  I have no idea.  All I know is that I’d end it all if I ever had to sell insurance…or t-shirts that said “Woo-Hoo!”  I actually kinda feel bad for Donn.  I think even Vicki’s kids feel bad for him.  Vicki is kinda turning into Jill Zarin to me and, well, I’m losing sleep over all of this.  I’m kidding.  I don’t sleep.

Meanwhile, Peggy is bringing her daughters to the same agency that she worked for when she was a “child star.”  Anyone get a good look at her photos from back in the day?  Um, pretty?  She looks like she pretty much only modeled for the ads in the back of an 80’s magazine, you know, for whore pills and Spanish ticklers and the like.  Well now it’s her daughters turn.  Let’s just call it like it is.  Her girls crashed and burned during the audition.  Sure they looked cute and all, but they couldn’t hit their marks and didn’t do anything the creepy owner asked them to.  In fact, one of the girls kept giving Peggy the side-eye and a look that totally said, “I would have been fine with you tossing yourself down the stairs, b*tch.”  Honestly, you know who would have never F’d up an audition like this?  Milania.  No, not Alexis’ daughter.  I’m talking the original Milania.  And you know how she got so good at modeling and auditions?  Because her mother yells at her to “do fabulous!” on the regular.  That’s how you get your kid hitting their mark.  As a sidenote, at least once a week I have Milania’s voice in my head saying “Ah, Derrik!”  Just me?

In the end, Alexis and her sinful body and rodent like face is having a Botox and massage party for all the girls.  She should have had a face sandblaster party…just a thought.  Since Alexis didn’t want to have the girls mess her house (aka her husband would pistol whip her if she had a party at home and didn’t make him dinner) she decided to have it had the doctors office and she put a table together with some food and drinks.  It looked horrible.  And, surprisingly, none of the girls really wanted to get the Botox done even thought Alexis mentioned 15 times that she was paying for it.  Not even Tamra wanted it.  Maybe she just plans on macing herself when she gets home?  Seriously, what was up with her bringing mace to the “party” for her and Vicki?  I mean, I’m sure Vicki uses mace on Donn every time forms his own thoughts and opinions, but it doesn’t mean you bring it to a high society Botox party!

Whilst at the party, Peggy was sucking up to Vicki and Alexis seemed to be getting a but jealous.  I’m sure she was just flirting with Vicki in hopes that Vicki would kiss her penis, but maybe I’m wrong.  Oh, and I’m sticking to my plan on never giving up on the “Peggy has a penis” jokes.  Ever.  Honestly, there’s not much else to work with.  So, let’s just continue on.  Everyone seemed to have gotten along at the party, which is nice.  And by “nice” I mean “boring as all hell so someone please flip a table and/or pull out some weave STAT!”

Next week apparently Tamra and Eddie head to Spain, so plan on Tamra trying to do a lot of “hola” and “Whero is the wino” jokes every 15 seconds.  Let’s pull together…we can all get through the season.  Yes We Can!

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Real Housewives of Orange County: Tom Cruise Would Hate Peggy

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Well folks if you ever wondered what it would have been like if Cindy-Lou Who went on Spring Break, well, wonder no more.  Vicki and Tamra have headed to Cabo San Lucas for a girls only long weekend as Vicki has convinced Tamra that she needs to “court her” and make it up to her for talking behind her back last season.  Sure, that all makes sense.  I also think it makes complete sense that these women always choose to go to the same exact spot that “the kids” from Laguna Beach Season One would go to on the regular.  I was waiting to see LC and Kristin getting into a chicken fight in the pool all while Lo and Stephen did jello shots in the filthy piss-infested hot tub.  But, alas, we were forced to watch their elderly parents, Vicki and Tamra, try to figure out how to do tequila shots in their hotel room.  And it was quite the struggle.  The Nana’s couldn’t figure out if they were supposed to suck the lime first and then lick the salt and then take the shot or just shove the whole shot up their “gentlemen greeter” and then delicately place the lime up their bum bum.  It was a real tough call.  How did Tamra not know how to do Tequila since her trash-box husband used to make it and sell it out of his trunk?

But this episode wasn’t all drunken roses (sold by an old woman in the the center of town outside of the local tourist bar) because Peggy really felt the need to kick us in the nuts and make us feel bad about making fun of her possibly having a penis in the last two crapisodes.  Apparently, for the past three years Peggy has been suffering from postpartum depression and not only is she filming a documentary about it, but she’s also getting filmed for RHOC.  It’s like a double shot of depressing scenes.  Oh, and you know who would totally hate Peggy (besides her daughter in about 15 years for telling us all that she wanted to throw herself down the stairs whilst pregnant)?  Tom Cruise.  I’m pretty sure he hates postpartum depression.  Or maybe it was just taking medication for it?  I can’t remember.  All I know is that at one point Peggy claims that she was talking to her sister on the phone and begged her to keep her on the line because she was afraid she was going to go upstairs and “get the gun.”  Ok, here’s the deal.  I actually don’t think that postpartum depression is funny.  Go figure.  But, all kidding aside, um if you’re having some mind issues and have wanted to shoot yourself and have guns in the house to do so, it might be time to take the guns out of the house.  I mean, give them to me.  I’m ready to shoot myself just watching all this doom and gloom.  However, Peggy doesn’t disappoint in her last minute messaging when she lets everyone know that “it doesn’t matter where you live or what your looks are like because it can happen to anyone.”  Pretty much, she wants to let you know that even if you’re as “beautiful” as her or live in a gigantic house like her you, too, can suffer from postpartum depression.  Let’s face it, I’m sans vag but I can totally relate to postpartum, as The Hills has been off the air now for over 1 year and, well, let’s just say that I think about it, alright.  I. Think. About. It.

If Alexis didn’t look like Reba McEntire’s slutty niece she should probably just record and auto-tuned Christian-themed song.  You know, something like “The 10 Commandments Can’t Buy You Class.”  However, instead of selling out that way she’s randomly decided to start up her own dress line because she feels that all “moms like her” can and should look like her.  Because at the end of the day it makes total sense to look like a mix of J Lo and Charro whilst running errands and going to the gym.  Seriously, she’s the worst.  Scratch that, this is the worst.  Scratch that, I’m the worst for continuing to watch this.  Either way, I have not much else going on so this brings some form of joy to my life.  I should bring this up in therapy.  Anynewnose, Alexis and her husband made an agreement that he’ll front her the money for this hoochie-coochie dress line, but the second that it starts to take focus off of her husband or her kids, Jim is shutting the dress line down.  Sure, that sounds like a wise investment.  I shouldn’t care, but why in the holy hell can’t Alexis have her own thing beside just taking care of her Level III life partner and her talented children (i.e, listening and good scribble writer)?  Her Level III is basically saying, “the second you start to make something of your life outside of being our slave, it’s over.”  Trash box.  Besides, God must already be kind of pissed at Alexis because she’s cheating on him with her husband.  Eh, I’m sure they’ll discuss that whilst she’s at the Gates of Heaven.

You know what I couldn’t care less about?  Trying to figure out if Gretchen and Slade are going to possibly get engaged and married by the end of the season.  I also don’t think Gretchen’s on-going joke about “having a lease” instead of getting married is funny at all.  It doesn’t even make any sense.  And I could almost care even less if her dad is ok with her having a baby “out of wedlock.”  This is the like the Prince William and Kate Middelton hoopla.  Couldn’t give 2 sh*ts.  Therefore, I’m moving on.

Meanwhile, back in Cabo Vicki and Tamra continue their drinking binge and talk about a wide variety of topics ranging from Tamra being forced to “write vows” to Vicki on what a friendship means to her and then reading it to her the following day…to more fun topics like Tamra and Vicki’s vaginasteins.  Sure.  Tamra is like a pig in heat and claiming that she’s having (puke) sex with (burp) Eddie for 5 hours a day and “walking like a cowboy afterwards.”  I’m sure her 4 children are beaming with pride watching this back.  Then things get even worse when Vicki starts talking about how her gentlemen greeter is perfect and doesn’t need any work.  Rumor has it that back in Whoville, Vicki’s vagina grew three sizes that day.

Later, the aging Olsen Twins spend some more time drinking in the pool and that’s where they run into a Donn lookalike.  No joke, there’s some dude in the pool who looks exactly like Vicki’s husband.  At first I thought it actually was him, but then I remembered Vicki’s rule of never inviting her husband on any trips with her and, oh yeah, also her rule of hating her husband on the regular.  This guy may actually be a bit of a fan because he’s even “woo-hoo’ing” without even being asked to.  And, as if things couldn’t get more awkward, Tamra decides to continue pushing through her midlife crisis and having some random chick do body shot off her her whilst she lays down on the bar in her bikini.  Look, I’m not saying that once you hit your 40’s you should be hanging it up, but I mean, come on.  A bikini and body shots?  I’m embarrassed for her.  Plus, pre-nup does not make her hotter.  What does that even mean?

Back on the mainland, Peggy and her family head out in their Bentley to Palm Springs to go swimming.  Oh, and did I mention that Peggy’s “push present” was her Bentley?  For those of you wondering what a “push present” is apparently it’s the gift you get for having a human shoot out of your body.  Remember when that gift was flowers?  Times they are-a-changin’.  Her husband should have given her the gift of a lock-box for those damn guns.  What?  I make jokes when situations make me feel uncomfortable.  Anyway, whilst at the pool one of Peggy’s kids cuts her finger on some picture frame thing that’s on the chairs they’re sitting on and starts bleeding all over the place.  Peggy basically loses her sh*t.  I’m sure her balls were up inside her stomach at this point.  Hey-oh!  There’s nothing I love more than Peggy male genitalia jokes.  Week.  After.  Week.  She ends up making her husband (who’s basically giving her the side-eye the whole time) take the the baby to the emergency room in case she needs stitches.  Peggy and the other baby stays poolside whilst her husband as to play a round of “Tame the Crazy.”  Breathe a sigh of relief, America, because the baby did not need stitches after all.

In the end, Tamra ends up reciting her made up vows to Vicki as they sit on their hotel balcony and watch the fireworks and continue to make lesbian references every 5th sentence.  It’s nice that these two are friends again as Vicki will need some additional support since her marriage is in the process of crashing and burning.  Poor Don.  But, at the same time, lucky Don.  Now he can finally be free to be with Brianna.  Gross.

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Real Housewives of Orange County: Peggy’s Penis is Aging

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Alright boys, girls, and those who have both a bonker and bunker because it’s story time with IBBB.  Pull up your nap mats and don’t fondle your neighbor because we’re about to discuss all the wonder that is RHOC (pronounced “Ahh-Hawk”).

This time around Vicki is so busy woo-hoo’ing that she barely has time to figure out the fact that she is completely renovating her entire house because she’s afraid to make her one major house change; removing Don.  Therefore, Vicki must think that by putting down new floors and a new kitchen she will solve the emptiness that is her marriage.  It’s a sad day in Whoville, but I think Vicki is making a great decision because she deserves to be happy.  More importantly, I don’t care.  I say let’s just fast forward to the divorce so we can all turn red from secondhand embarrassment when Vicki starts to date and tries to be “sexy on camera.”  Oh, and we’ll get to Tamra’s bathtub scene in a few.

In unrelated news, you know who has major gums?  Vanna White.  Who knew?

Meanwhile, Gretchen, Alexis, Peggy and Peggy’s post op vag all head out for a day of buying shoes and trying to pretend that their hair isn’t too long and muppet-like for their age.  You know who’s balls must be sweating whilst trying on shoes?  Peg’s.  These chicks are all talking about how they like to put on sexy shoes for their husbands and wear nothing else.  In fact, Alexis even talks about (puke) tying up her husband (burp) with silk scarves and (vomit) going at it.  Just like it says in the Bible!  I’m not entirely sure her husband will be fully into this.  Plus you totally know her husband needs one hand free so he can surf kiddie porn websites while Alexis gives him some wonky eye oral pleasure.   And also, Peg needs to cut the sh*t and cut it right now.  She’s 1 inch away from tucking her hair into her granny panties and turning into a feces Medusa.  You know what I mean.  Plus, she can stop bragging about wearing high heels for her husband.  We all know it’s so she can get her penis closer to his mouth without having to bend.  For those of you keeping track at home, we’re up to about 4 penis jokes and I have no intentions of ever slowing down.

So what else?  Ah yes, Gretchen and Slade are heading out to Palm Springs because, I mean, why the hell not.  If they’re going to take a trip they might as well pack their ridiculous bikes.  Gretchen’s has a red basket on it like she’s f’n 4 years old and Slade’s cost about $700 but looks like an exact replica of the one Jan Brady used to crash into the fence in the backyard on the regular.  I hope Slade rides it up the highway and just sees what happens.  And what’s up with Gretchen being crazy and calling Slade “chubba-wubba?”  I actually got embarrassed typing that.  Slade is, for sure, the big b*tch in this relationship.  It’s quite possible that Peg is letting Gretch borrow her ding-a-ling.

Everyone seems to be going away in this episode, but Alexis and her husband seem to take the cake.  Let’s just go on record stating that Bravo is basically going to edit every single episode to make it seem like Alexis’ husband hits her with a closed fist all season.  Alexis is losing her mind because she’s forced to pack all the bags for the family trip (10 minutes away) to San Diego and she had to plan everything.  Yeah, that’s called “being a mom.”  And you have a nanny so this gives you plenty of extra time to call the cops and report your husband as a possible Level III.  Just a guess.  After packing up two cars with 10 pieces of luggage, they are all ready to head on their trip with Nanny to boot.  Ruh-roh, they forgot the Nanny’s 1 and only bag.  Basically she”ll be forced to wear her beat up football t-shirt and one filthy banana clip unless someone comes and delivers her bag…that is probably filled with more dirty football t-shirts and banana clips.  Eh, at least it’ll be a new rotation.

We learn that Alexis’ husband loves the children, but can basically only take them for 2-3 hours a day.  That’s nice.  And I think that Alexis is fine with it too because she says the Bible says that the husband is the boss.  I wonder what it’s like being Alexis and, you know, living all the way back there in 25 B.C.?  Can she point out the part in the Bible that discusses getting surgically enhanced rocket knockers and stripper hair?  Oh, and selling your soul on reality television?  Is that in Genesis?  I’m not great with the Bible so I may be mistaken.  Although, her husband does take care of her really well and by “taking care of her” I, of course, mean “buys himself 2 watches for $27,000.” Douche.  More importantly, what did the kids get?  You know, besides used lip gloss.

Back on Planet Amazon, Peg has her mother in law come over to somehow give her a test to see how she’s aging.  I have no clue.  Apparently her mother-in-law just got some crazy apple stem cells from Sweden jacked all over her face, like a pig.  Next thing you know she’s making Peg take a piss in a cup so she can see  if her cells are dying.  After Peg takes a leak in the cup (presumably standing up) we learn that Peg is aging but lucky for her the mother-in-law as some gold glitter Buddy Band that can hook up to her computer and make Peg young again.  Is she for real with this sh*t?  I’m pretty sure this is the same way they made Vicky the Robot on Small Wonder.  I can’t even imagine living like these people.

Finally, in the end, we are all honored to meet Tamra’s new boyfriend, Eddie.  I like when grown men keep their childhood nickname.  Eddie.  As expected he’s dressed almost head to toe in Ed Hardy-type clothes that are all too small for him.  And he stares at her like he’s a rapist on the loose.  Their dinner with that random friend was so creepy since they kept making out at the table.  As if things couldn’t get worse, Tamra decides to go back to Eddie’s house and set up a “sexy scene” in his bathroom by lighting candles around the tub, Aquanetting her fried bangs back to her scalp exposing her larger than life forehead, and then getting naughty nakey-nude-nude in the tub.  Oh, and did I mention that she did this with a camera crew present?  Trash box.  She tries to lure Eddie into the bathroom and, to his surprise, she’s laying in the tub naked (probably leaving a ring around it) and I am terribly embarrassed for her, for me, and for all of “the America.”  Next thing you know Eddie is taking it all off to get in the tub with Tamra.  I’m not sure who had larger breasts, Tamra or Eddie.  Honestly, if I was the camera guy I would have been like, “Cut.  Excuse me.  You’re a pig.  Put some clothes on and start acting like you’re a mother of 3.”  I’m sure her kids are going to be psyched when they see mommy getting it in with some other dude who isn’t daddy…on camera  I was just waiting for Vicki to smash her head through the bathroom window and yell “Woo hoo!”

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RHOC Recap: There’s a New Peg in Town

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Get your Barker’s Beauties weave out of the waffle iron because it’s time to discuss another touching episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County.  Remember when we all were in awe about how much money these people had?  I’m pretty sure Tamra is moving into an apartment with the same kitchen cabinets as I had my senior year of college in campus housing.  However, who am I to judge? Oh wait.

Anyzincpinklipstick, I must admit that overall the crapisode was a bit of a snooze.  I miss people with Jersey accents who beat the bag out of each other on the regular, I guess.  This time around we’re all supposed to be interested in Gretchen’s multiple business ventures and Slade working for her.  Personally I’d rather watch footage of Gina’s husband and kids berating her on national television, but that’s just me and I have deep rooted mental problems that even proper science and modern medicine can’t handle.  Oh, and is it intentional that Slade and Gretchen dress like they’re shooting an ad for Salem menthol cigarettes?  It’s like, we get it…you both enjoy wearing all white at all times.  I just think we’d all appreciate it if whilst Slade (a man) is wearing white linen pants he also wear underpants with them.  Gretchen, however, is allowed to not wear a bra at all times as it is nearly impossible to decipher if she is even standing frontwards or backwards.

Meanwhile, Tamra is still trying to make us believe that she has lesbian tendencies.  Again, prove it.   Wear clunky shoes.  Carry around a lot of keys.  Sport a fleece vest.  Play the alphabet game with your tongue and a slice of watermelon.  Do something.  Plus, no one cares.  Really, no one does.  And, honestly, Tamra’s son is more a lez than she is.

Oh Jesus.  And there’s a new housewife in town.  She pretends she’s this big blond rich bombshell, yet the universe decides differently as her name is Peg.  Oh, and please (for the love of sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom, Mary) save the hate mail.  I’m sure your name is Peg or your daughters name is Peg or there is some Peg somewhere that I’m insulting.  Relax.  It’s still, quite possibly, the least sexy name out there.  Look at this for example:  “Why don’t you come over here and let me take all your clothes off, PEG.”  Or, “How ’bout you start bobbing for apples in my lap, PEG.”  Or maybe even this, “Whoa!  Did you see the rack on PEG!?”  See?  It doesn’t really work now does it?  Her name might as well be Peg Mildred Bonnie McDingDong-Shrinker.

Anyway, sexy Peg is friends with Alexis who is ready for free session at Glamor Shots at a moments notice and she’s pretty competitive with Peg too.  Whilst they are overdressed to go to the park with their kids they battle it out left and right over whose kids are smarter, prettier, better in school, and  signed to a model agency.  At one point I’m almost certain that Alexis told Peg (burp) that her daughter is the best in her class because she listens the most and the other Olsen Twin can write squiggles the best in her class.  Wow!  I’m sure NASA is going to want to hear about this!  And Peg’s daughter can speak very well for her age.  Great.  Well I’m glad these kids are so “advance” because they’re going to have to start articulating at a young age that their moms aren’t porn-star-sluts just back from a dumpster gang bang.  I hope that one twin can squiggle that.

Meanwhile, Vicki was out in tropical Seattle for an insurance conference.  Oh, and she made sure to yell out “woo hoo!” about 500 times this episode.  Seriously, “woo hoo” is just about as outplayed as “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Willis!?”  Please stop, please stop at once.  Vicki brought her daughter and all the people from her office that apparently work for her to Seattle.  So let me get this right, Vicki is the boss and yet they’re all staying in the same room as Vicki?  How’s your HR issues?  After a day/night of drinking everyone was in bed with each other and Vicki ripped the sheets off the one little Asian dude that works for her, looked at his underwear and then slapped his ass.  Sure, that’s normal.  Actually, what the F do I care.  That sounds like a dream come true.  In fact, that’s actually what happens around the offices of IBBB.  Well, except I’m the only one who works here.  Basically, I spank myself.  Was that not clear?

Also, too and also, and also, Vicki’s daughter Blah Gunvalson was all freaked out because some dude at the bar was feeling up Vicki’s arm.  Really?  I’m sure that really wasn’t the case.  I mean, no one that’s ever watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas thought at the end, “You know what would have made this way better?  If one of the Who’s got felt up.”  Watching Vicki in a possible affair-like situation made me slam my laptop shut on my Diddly-Do-Dingitty-Dong until I passed out and came to with scenes of Peg.  I then repeated the process.

Oh, and know what I forgot to mention about Peg?  She shoots guns with her husband for fun.  In fact she wears tight jeans, huge heals, and some kind of J-Lo shirt that’s missing the back but, instead, has all gold rope-like chains holding the whole thing together.  Peg looked hot.  See?  That sentence doesn’t work. Plus there’s something off with her.  Almost like she may or may not be “with penis.”  Plus in typical Housewife-franchise manner, she is way to old to have hair down to her waist yet she does it.  She could also be the sister of Alexis.  This is what I assume the Olsen Sluts to look like in about 20 years (if they were on stilts…and really trash bagged it up).

And the episode wouldn’t be complete without a gym scene.  This time around, Tamra and Alexis head to the gym with full faces of makeup caked on and their hair professionally done.  What a real shame.  I bet the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit all hate Alexis.  Just me?  After working out for 14 seconds, the “ladies” decide to go and grab a drink.  This is the part the scared me the most.  At first I was like, “Oh cool it’s the same lighting as on The Hills”  but then I was like, “Oh, it’s the same lighting that’s on The Hills” meaning that both Tamra and Alexis looked like they were trying to spook each other and “the America.”  Seriously it was scary.  Tamra looked like friggin’ Medusa and Alexis looked like someone was trying to set Barbie’s plastic face on fire with a hairdryer.  I also don’t know what that last part meant.  But you get it.  Anyway, their conversation was absolute rag-time-bull-sh*t and Alexis was trying to paint the picture that she’s some hot mom who cooks and cleans and then she actually calls herself “Bev Cleaver.”  Huh?  Did she mean June Cleaver but was kinda thinking about “the Beav.”  I bet that makes two of them since Tamra loves to lez it up she’s always got “the beav” on her mind.  I would have been like, “Wipe the drool from your mouth you filthy lez.”  Ok, I’m done.  Oh wait, Tamra is actually trying to tell Alexis that her husband is controlling her just like Simon controlled Tamra, but Alexis isn’t seeing the light.  I’m sure at one point when Alexis has to explain her black-eye to the girls in the sewing circle, she’ll finally get it.

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Real Housewives of OC Recap: Come to My Party. Buy Clothes in My Kitchen.

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Well we’re back where it all began…in Orange County.  Here are 12 things worth discussing during the season premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County:

What in the Christmas F is Alexis Saying This Time? – It wouldn’t be a new season of Housewives With Orange Cunty’s if the cast wasn’t saying some new crap in the opening credits. Seriously, what is Alexis going on about this time? Last season she was slurring something about being high maintenance and this time around I believe she’s reciting Psalms: God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body is sinful. Really? Trust me, even God is giving you the side-eye with your bedazzled hat and cosmic rocket knockers.

It’s Been 5 Minutes. I miss Lynn. – If there are two things I miss right now it’s crispy chicken and Lynn. And, well, considering Lynn was as close to human crispy chicken as anyone (sans George Hamilton) could get, I’m really sad that she’s not featured this season. How will we ever know how her hot-glue-gunned leather cuffs are doing? Thanks Bravo, for nothing.

Gretchen’s Handbags are the New “Lynn’s Cuffs” – I’m already over Lynn’s cuffs. That was fast. Thanks to the success of Gretchen Christine Boobays now you can buy some handbags that may or may not be flame retardant. And thanks to host coach, Marki Costello, who may or may not be on a meth binge now Gretchen is going to be professionally trained on how to sell you a** crap. Marki keeps telling Gretchen that she’s selling the “OC Lifestyle.” Really? Based on the looks of this group, please raise your hand if you’re interested in looking 15 years older than your actual age because you have Pam Anderson 1996 lipstick on and a fried weave. Raise it high. I want to know who you are so I can block you from this site and report you to either DSS or the CIA. I haven’t decided yet. My blog, my choice.

So Vicki Hates Don Again – It’s no surprise that Vicki and Don are ending their marriage and, most likely, going to burn in hell for all eternity…if you believe in what Alexis believes (more on this later). Vicki and Don are moving rugs and furniture all around the house for the hell of it. Basically, Don is like Vicki’s slave. A slave in Whoville? Who knew.  Even though in Vicki’s voiceover she keeps saying how much she loves and respects Don, especially after they renewed their vows, we all know the truth.  This is basically like seeing a car accident happening in slow motion.  I love it.

Burning the Skank Off of Tamra – Since Tamra is a complete genius and doesn’t have sex with her son, she’s off to Dr Tatoff ,which I’m still trying to figure out if it’s real or not, to get the tattoo of Simon’s name on her finger removed since, you know, she got a divorce about 14 hours after the tattoo was done. Oh, and why is Dr. Will from Big Brother in this scene? If someone was going to legally burn me for 15 seconds it probably wouldn’t be done by a cast member of a CBS reality show at a place called Dr. Tatoff. Call me crazy. And I bet when Tamra was getting this removed you could smell the white-trash seeping out of her pores. Tamra claims it’s the worst pain ever, although watching scenes when Tamra tries to be sexy is pretty much the worst pain ever. So it’s debatable, but I win.

Does This Milania “Do Fabulous” Too? – I think it should be a law that any child named Milania should be forced to “do fabulous” when ever I tell them too. Alexis’ daughter Milania is just like Teresa’s daughter Milania, but this one bites. Literally. While Alexis takes a break from watching her kids so she can Shasta McNasty in private, Milania takes a bite out of “the other one” and then gets put in time-out. I would have been like, “Did you just bite your sister? Did you? You Did?! Well you’re gonna go out on the front lawn and ‘do fabulous’ until the sun goes down. You hear me?”

Like a Page Out of the Kim Zolciak Playbook, Tamra Befriends a Lesbian – Tamra may be off the market since she’s banging her ex-husbands best friend, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t befriend the town les. Tamra tries to be all sexy and pretend she’s into her friend, but I don’t buy it for a second. If I were there I would have been like, “Prove it Tamra. Do scissors Do scissors now.” But, that’s just me. Perhaps if you were there you would have simply asked. I think a demonstration proves a lot. Moving on.

3 Things That Alexis Needs to Stop Doing, STAT - (1) Talking about God and her faith in 90% of her one on one interviews. (2) Calling herself “Mommy” on the regular. (3) Pronouncing everything incorrectly (see: A-Mex)

Come to My Party. Buy Clothes in My Kitchen. - Tamra is having a party at her boyfriends house instead of her own because she’s about 2 more seasons away from living out of a 1984 wood-paneled station wagon. That’s just my guess. Either way her party is completely random and the theme is apparently “Shopping for Clothes Out of the Kitchen.” Ole! And all of the clothes are exactly what you would expect from this crew. Everything is bedazzled within an inch of its life and looks like it smells like the basement of a church or the ring around Lohan’s tub.

So I Take it the Producers Told Them to Have More Fights – What’s up with all these fights over completely ridiculous stuff? First off, one the of hats that literally had a bedazzled eye on it was used as a joke between Gretchen and Tamra, but Tamra did not find the hat joke funny, as most people don’t over hat jokes, and she was actually insulted. She tells Vicki what happened the second she walked into the party like someone was just stabbed (and sadly not me in my eyes from watching this trash heap talk). Next up, whilst out side bursting into high-pitch laughing fits, Cackles McFriedWeave is upset that Blessed Mother Alexis McKnockers called her a princess for not wanting to get up to go to the gym so early in the morning. Cackles loses her sh*t and starts talking in a panic as if Jeff came back to life and still wanted to marry her. Meanwhile, Blessed Mother is telling Cackles to calm down because she’s had a little too much to drink all whilst the lesbian starts dancing in between them to try and defuse the situation. Seriously, you don’t want to disrupt a lesbian in heat. They’ll start winking with their vaginastein. It’s been reported.

Breaking News: Gunvalson Got Bangs – She’s like the Tyra Banks of Whoville.

In the End – In the end Cackles McFriedWeave continues to assault her liver and Tamra by owning the fact that she was calling her a b*tch. At least she owns it. Everyone is all surprised that Cackles is turning into an angry drunk, but it’s like she was exposed for the past two seasons as a gold-digging skanasaurus, so what do you expect? Of course she’s going to have some drinks and start attacking. I hope she never stops. I hope she turns into the Charlie Sheen of the OC.

Cackles and crew leave the fiesta, but not before her assistant gets sort of approached by Tamra about doing some eBay work for her? I have no idea. I couldn’t keep up. My brain was filled with thoughts of trying to figure out why Gretchen needs an assistant and what Tamra could possibly be selling on eBay. Scissors? I’ll look into that.