More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of orange county’

I Assume Kissing Vicki Gunvalson is Like Licking a Who?

If you kissed Vicki Gunval(burp)…Vicki Gunvals (hmmmrph)….Vicki Gu (bleh)….Vicki Gunvalson would you brag about it?  That’s the real crime here.  According to Star Magazine and Nostradamus, while vacationing in Puerto Vallarta Vicki started flirting and dancing with a 25 year old college student, Mike Pullin (the poor mans Brad Ferro)…and it ended in a kiss (yuck).

Mike Pullin told Star, “Vicki was extremely outgoing and having a great time, like a sorority girl.  We clicked immediately and danced to rock ‘n’ roll by Bon Jovi and Journey. She was living it up. She kept talking to me. She was a big flirt.”

Star continues, “When Mike bought a round of tequila shots for their group, Vicki gave him a very special thank you — a big kiss on the lips!”

Alright.  I have 3 things to discuss:

1. Why are you 25 and still in college?  Perhaps stay the hell out of Puerto Vallarta and hit the books, bricks.
2. Who says, “…and danced to rock ‘n’ roll’ by Bon Jovi?”  Why not just call the club “el discoteca” and call it a day.
3. Why are you proud and telling anyone that your lips touched Vicki’s Whoville face?

However, Vicki is telling a bit of a different story.  She told People Magazine, “He told me it was his birthday and wanted a birthday kiss. He seemed nice, but very star struck!  I never ‘made out’ with him, as he stated. I never let him touch me inappropriately — ever.”

If I were Vicki I would say the photo was photoshopped and she was busy working….it was 1:00 in the afternoon.  Who goes to Puerto Vallarta at 1:00 in the afternoon?  I work.  So that answers that.

Real Housewives of Orange County: Lynne’s Drunk Tears and High Pitched Squeaks

Did other things happen in last nights crapisode of Real Housewives of Orange County besides Lynne’s drunken meltdown?  Sure.  Are we going to go into detail about those things?  Nope.

If you missed the episode let me catch you up.  Stuff happened.  Caught up?  Good.  The most important part of the show was the last 9 – 10 minutes (or 9 – 10 minutes, for those of you reading this in England).  Whilst at a pointless cooking party at Alexis’ house, Lynne tossed on a chef hat and threw back some champagne.  Hey, every day is a celebration when you have a new store-bought face!

Was it just me or did everyone at the cooking party of horror seem like a sweaty mess?  Lynne’s poor face looked like it was actually melting and for some reason her hair looked like she had a comb-over.  It looked like it was burnt and smelled like a mix of AquaNet, cigarettes, and a pile of Lynne’s leather cuffs that were left out in the sun too long.  Just me?  Moving on.  Lynne was already on edge from earlier in the episode when her daughter Alexa (the only voice of reason in the family who doesn’t seem to be constantly high) confronted Lynne about her craptastic parenting, or lack thereof, and then accused her mom of only using her to promote her damn cuffs, which she then took off and threw on the table.  Sidenote, Lynne was more upset that her cuffs may be damaged than Alexa having a psychiatric meltdown in the middle of the food-court of the mall.  Anyway.

Once Lynne knocked back a few glasses of wine and made the obligatory “hung like a horse” joke about her husband, the girls all settled in to a nice dysfunctional family dinner.  All was going well until Gretchen brought up the situation with Alexa, which I believe has been talked about in the past 5 episodes.  We get it, she’s unhappy and hates her family.  She’s 16.  What else is new?!

Lynne, to me, seems like she’s about 15 sheets to the wind.  She starts off the confrontation slow and somewhat controlled, while also slurring everything she’s saying. When talking about Alexa she says, and I quote, “Alexa has a tend-en-cy (hiccup) to over dram-matic-tize things.”  Brilliant.  Lynne also slurs and tries to explain to everyone that unless you have a child you don’t know.  Unless you have…you can’t say.  Yeah, Lynne, we get it.  Sort of.  You’ve been saying it 100 times in a row.  Someone bang the table and make this record stop skipping, no?

Then, in proper “The Hills” style, the editing machine went haywire!  Lynne points to Gretchen and says, “You know what? F*ck you!” but then they mute out the rest of what she says, the sound changes, and then we just see random facial expressions from everyone at the table.  These facial expressions probably had nothing to do with what was just said, but I’m fine with it.  Although, Tamraaaaa seems to be fidgeting an awful lot.  Maybe the salad dressing gave her the Shasta McNasty’s?

Then the shaky tears start.  Well, shaky tears and random thoughts start, like when Lynne says her kids were little and watching freakin’ Barney.  Uh, ok.  Then the real tears come and Lynne is squeaking so high that all of a sudden the Von Trapp family kids came and lined up in front of me with their blue sailor suits on.  It was weird.  Lynne continues by squeaking that she’s trying to be a good mom and do everything she can, but it’s hard being a mom in Orange County and it’s hard just living in Orange County.  I bet it’s getting harder to get meds in the Orange County too these days.

Poor Lynne.  I actually felt a little bad for her at the end.  Well, I was laughing because when she cried it look like her face was falling off and I did laugh when she was crying and said, “having teenagers is freakin’ scary man.  It’s freakin’ scary!” but I still felt a little bad.  Oh Lynne, just make everyone some of those hot cuffs and call it a day.  The cuffs will set you free.

***Next week it appears Lynne gets evicted from her new home.  Isn’t this the second time this happened?***

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I’m Pretty Sure Simon and Tamra are Having a Blog Sass-Off

You know what you do when you’re going through a divorce and are on a reality show where your wife is a trash bag?  You guessed it! You blog about it!  This time, however, Simon (the husband of Tamraaaaa from the Real Housewives of Orange County) is taking to the Bravo website to air his side of the story…..and he did it in 2 pages….and it’s as lifeless as his personality on the show.  Here are some highlights on his side of the story:

• Tamra has also made her choices in what she has said on the show this season about me, (her husband). My belief is you should never disparage your spouse to anyone for any reason (especially on national TV). All season long, I have been unpleasantly surprised by some of my wife’s comments and conversations about me. I have no idea what she says or has said on camera until it airs. If I’m not present, I don’t see these scenes until they air unless she tells me about it. And she never tells me about it. Hmmm.
• My wife has changed in the last few years. (I wonder why???) She is not the same girl I knew three years ago. I really don’t know her anymore. And it breaks my heart.
• Last year Gretchen said and did things that upset my wife (false accusations, court summons, etc.). It upset Tamra so much that she remained in bed for a whole month. She was miserable and cried all the time during this period.
• Tamra and I were in Las Vegas the day after New Year’s Eve. She told me she knew she could get someone better looking, with more money, and who would let her do whatever she wants, regardless. But she was going to stay together for the kids. I was shocked, and I’m shocked now watching her at dinner with her mother, when she says, “If it wasn’t for the kids, I would leave him.” Ouch! That really hurt!
• Sorry kids, I would give up my life and conquer the world for you. Just couldn’t triumph over celebrity and fame. Daddy loves you very much…

Yowza.  I felt creepy just reading this.  I think it’s wonderful that Simon is not only passive aggressively dealing with Tamra in the Bravo blog, but is also sending out a public message to his children via the blog as well.  Now that’s parenting!  Love, Daddy.

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Tamraaaaaaa! Tamra Barney’s Husband, Simon, Files For Divorce from the Real Housewives of Orange County Trashmaster

Uh oh!  Someone cue the tears that Tamra likes to cry without ever actually having any liquid come out of her eyes and roll down her Botox’d cheeks.  Radar Online is exclusively reporting that Tamra Barney’s husband, Simon, from the Real Housewives of Orange County has filed for divorce and is claiming that Tamraaaaaaa (!!!) has been “verbally abusive and has committed acts of disloyalty and infidelity.”  Now I’m not a legal expert, but let’s break down those claims and see if we can decipher the code:

“Verbally Abusive” – Fried out weave is unruly.
“Committed Acts of Disloyalty“   – Played white-trash Bunko in her backyard.
“Committed Acts of Infidelity“  – Clearly “did sex” to her son, Ryan.

Well, now that we solved that, let’s move on.  It’s also being reported that Tamra has moved out of their home and into a two-bedroom apartment.

Ah sweet karma.  Didn’t Tamra lose her sh*t week after week claiming that Gretchen Rossi (another cast member) cheated on her elderly fiance, Jeff, whilst he was on his deathbed?  Well, Simon is claiming that Tamra has been unfaithful as well.  Oh how the white-trash-with-money have fallen.  You know, I actually don’t feel good when other people’s lives are in ruins, but there’s something about Tamra’s life, specifically, that puts a sh*t-eating-grin smile on my face.

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: From a Cuff Party to a Tanning Party

• So does Bravo know that we saw the “fight” episode last week at Lynne’s Cuffs Fiesta?  Yeah, so how come this time when they’re showing it the conversation is a bit…uh…different?  Do they not think that losers like me sit home on the weekends, hungover, watching this crap on repeat?  Actually, that’s a lie.  I watch it on repeat, but I flip back and forth from the episode of Full House when Papouli died, and Real Housewives.  I believe it’s the circle of life right before my very eyes.
• Tamraaaaa and Vicki Beaverteeth peace out of the “Cuffs Party” in a huff, but Jeana stays behind with Lynne and Gretchen to discuss what just went down.  Now I don’t want to say that Gretchen deserves to give me credit for blogging that Tamra was white-trash last season (and then I emailed that blog post to her…and then she responded…laughing….true story), but I smiled from sideburn to sideburn when Gretchen told Jeana that Tamra was, in fact, white-trash.  Bravo, Gretchen, bravo.
• Tamraaa and Vicki Beaverteeth are basically roaming the hallways of the hotel, but stopping at about every 6 or 7 doors to talk smack and let us all know that Gretchen received $1.7 million from her fiance, Jeff.  Now while we don’t know if this is true, Tamraaa seems to think so and, oddly enough, we learn at the end of the episode that Tamraaa’s house is now valued at only $1.7 million so perhaps Gretch can fork over that money to Tamraaa so that she doesn’t have to return to the trailer park. 
• Oh, and go buy Lynne’s Cuffs.  I guess.  I have no idea.
• Well nothing can ease the problems of the Cuff Party quite like a Tanning Party at Gretchen’s house.  Do they know that you can’t just take a word in the dictionary and then add the word “party” after it and claim something like that exists?  Cuff Party?  Tanning Party?  Can I have “Murder-Suicide Party” between this show, my computer, and my beer?  Wait, was I just in a three-way?
• Anytoomuchperoxide, it’s time to spray-tan the boobs off Lynne.  Apparently Slade, who “surprisingly” does anything he can to appear on television, is spray tanning with a sock over his “Mr Winkyson.”  Either that or he’s had the penis of Ike Turner transplanted onto him.  Eh, semantics. 
• My girl Gretchen is getting sprayed and all is right with the world.  I’m just about to thanks Jesus Claus that Vicki isn’t at this party because the thought of spray-tanning her forces me to think of shooting a woodchuck with a firehose and that’s just too much for me to handle…when all of a sudden Lynne jumps into the tanning tent of horror.  She decides to go tits-to-the-wind and claims she doesn’t want tan lines, but then Gretchen uses the same hands that she used to steal Jeff’s money (I jest) to cover up Lynne’s Too-Can-Sams.  Just another day in the OC.
• Oh did I mention that Lynne’s daughter was begging for a beer at the party?  Lynne keeps telling her “no” but she has this perm-a-grin on her face when she says “no.”  Seriously, she’s like The Joker.  I was to slash her mouth and then write “Why So Serious” across her face.
• Bonus Points:  We get a flash back of Gretchen, hammered, yelling “Tamraaaaa.”  How much could I pay Gretchen to call my cell and yell that so I can make it my outgoing voicemail message?
• I bet if Gretchen spray-tanned Jeff he would have stayed alive.
• Wait a second.  Stop the press.  Vicki doesn’t look like a beaver (a little like a woodchuck, though)…she looks like one of the “Who’s” from Whoville!  New Nickname Alert: Vicki-Lou Who.
• Tamraaaa and Vicki-Lou Who head out to lunch so that they can discuss how broke Tamraaa is and how they have to sell their house thanks to her husbands craptastic tequila business.  Strange how we’re in a recession, yet the one industry that has increased in sales has been the alcohol industry, yet he can’t sell tequila.  It must be his award-winning personality that’s preventing people from drinking.  How does that saying go?  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, foreclosed.
• Ugh Jeana is broke still too.  She must sell some $12 million home and make $300K in commission in order to not lose her house.  I started feeling bad for her situation until I thought of her making $300K to survive and me making my own iced coffee at home in order to save $1.75 per day.  Yeah, I’m not feeling so bad anymore.  Kiss a cock, Jeana.
• Meanwhile, Vicki-Lou Who and Breanna are packing to go to Italy as a way to celebrate Breanna graduating her 7-year nursing program in 3 years.  Yeah, that makes me feel safe.  Ugh, and now I’m picturing Vicki-Lou Who in Italy sucking up angel-hair pasta whilst yelling “woo-hooo!”  Fail.
• Alright.  So.  Ok.  As you know this blog is all about cheap smut jokes and the like.  I never take a real stance on anything, for the most part, but let’s talk about Lynne and her daughter going to the plastic surgeon.  Lynne is going to basically get her eyebrows removed and stapled back up on her forehead and I think they’re going to saw off her cheeks and hold her neck back with duct tape.  Fine, I get it.  Her daughter, Raquel, is getting a nose job.  I don’t hate her for that.  Fine, I get it.  If you think it will make you look better, do it.  If I wasn’t brewing my own iced-coffee to save a buck, I’d get a full face transplant.  However, what I do have an issue with is Lynne actually thinking AND SAYING OUT LOUD that she thinks she’s setting a good example for her daughters so that when they turn 80 they look as good as her.  By the time Lynne turns 80 she will have officially turned into a belt.
• While Lynne thinks she’s doing good for her daughters, when they’re at lunch and they tell the other daughter, Alexa, that they’re both getting plastic surgery the poor girl cries and has to go into the bathroom.  I assume she has a case of explosive diaherria, but when Lynne follows her in we learn that she is upset because she doesn’t want them to change their appearance and just stay the same.  No joke, the girl is crying and you just hear Lynne going “Awwwww awwwwww awwwww, is that all this is about?”  Really Lynne?  Really?  This isn’t enough?  I mean now would be the perfect time from Alexa to tell Lynne that she’s knocked up and all, but I think this is enough of a reason for the tears.  I could have only wished that Lynne said, “Awwww awwww awwww, is that all this is about?  Do you want one of my cuffs?   Do you want to throw your own cuff party? Awwwww.”
• Due to the recession and Tamraaaa having to let go of her $500/month maid, she has decided to turn her home into a sweat-shop and her kids are now fighting over who gets to scrub the toilet. Ahhhh the novelty.
• Jeana’s daughter got new boobs.  That’s about all that’s new with her.  She is sadly not a train-wreck so there’s not much to say about her.  She’s smart, pretty, and she doesn’t drink.  She has nothing in common with what goes on around this here blog.
• Vicki-Lou Who and her family trip in Italy continues.  They’re at a restaurant.  There are language barriers.  I couldn’t care less.  Although, Vicki-Lou Who does play the role of the loud obnoxious American very well.  I was confused, however, when she said she thought the waiter would be excited that there was a hot blond at the table.  Really?  Where? Is she talking about her mother?
• Tamraaa and her husband have dinner with Alexis the new housewife who only got about 2 minutes of camera time this crapisode.  So, um, yeah, err…uh…like, she has a penis and balls, right?
• Anyway, all good things must come to an end, which includes this episode and Tamraaa’s house.  They’re meeting with a “specialist” to go over what the deal is with their home, how much it’s worth, etc.  Tamraaa is visibly upset at the loss of her home since she brought her daughter home to that house, etc.  While my heart is black and rotting, even I did feel a little bad.  The economy sucks for everyone….even rich people.  It’s tough when you don’t to be as rich as you were before the market sank.

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Lynn Looks as Crispy as Her Cuffs

Well folks, here we are again.  Bravo is spewing out “Real Housewives” seasons like Scooby Doo sequels being released direct to DVD.  This time we are blessed by Santa Christ to catch up with the Real Housewives of Orange County.  Spoiler Alert: Everyone is f*ckin’ broke as a joke.  However, some things have remained the same in these difficult economic times.  Lynn is as crispy as can be, Tamra and Vicki are porno blond, Gretchen is the love of my life, and Jeana is still getting yelled at by her kid.  This is all very comforting.  Here’s what went down on The Real Housewives of Orange County:

• We kick things off with Vicki and her kids going sky-diving.  This of course means that Vicki is dressed to go to “da club” and walks on the runway with high-heels and her Louis Vuitton purse because, you know, any of that makes sense.  We as viewers are lucky to be watching this because if you’ve ever wanted to see Vicki have a stroke, now is the time.  She says that she’s so scared that she can’t even get out a “woo-hoo.”  Really Vicki?  Still doing the “woo-hoo?”  After 3 or 4 seasons the “woo-hoo” has really become the “You got it dude” from Full House and the “What you talkin’ about, Willis?” from Differnt Strokes.  However, watching Vicki’s face as she is floating in air is a real treat.  And I actually mean watching her face.  It kinda looked like a beaver trying to cross the street during a hurricane,  Haha, beaver.
• Poor Jeana.  No literally, poor Jeana.  Her income is down 2/3rds and she claims she’s not good at budgeting so she’s asking her 17 year old son, Colton, to help her budget her money.  Colton must not have seen any of the previous episodes of this show because he still is being a d*ck to his mom on national television.  Good luck with Colton, ladies.  He looks like a hitter!
• Tamraaaaa is having a red carpet party because her daughter just finished drama camp?  I have no idea what that means.  Tamra’s marriage is on the rocks and we are now seeing every little comment that she and Simon will make to each other.  Simon gets pissed at Tamra when she makes a “teabag” comment because, you know, suddenly he is the epitome of class.  Does anyone want to tell Tamra how old she is and that her “look” is perfect for season 2 of 90210.  Can’t money fix that?
• Gretchen is cleaning out her garage with her new boyfriend, Slade.  You may remember Slade from season one, dating Jo.  Now he’s dating good old Gretch.  People are going to talk smack about her dating someone shortly after her finance died.  I say who gives an F?  She could have been banging Slade during the funeral whilst the priest looked on.  I’m not going to judge her because, again, she’s hot and she should be allowed to do anything because she’s hot.  I have a high moral compass, clearly. 
• Know what else I like about Gretchen?  The way she cackles at her own jokes during the interview portion of the show.  I always suffer from second and thirdhand embarrassment when she does that.  I would also like her to only reference Tamra as “Tamraaaaaa” like she did during the “drunk episode” from last season.  Here’s to hoping.
• Oh Lynn.  Lynn, Lynn, Lynn.  Oh my little Lynn.  My little overcooked Lynn.  Lynn is selling her Buddy Bands cuffs like a whore selling her body on the corner during a recession.  Lynn’s husbands construction business is failing and so Lynn is hoping that her “cuffs” are going to save the family…and the world!  Lynn also informs us that she is a businesswoman now is turning into Vicki.  If she’s really turning into Vicki she better brace herself for that mack truck about to hit her face going 100 mph.
• Vicki and Donn are cleaning up their yard and their marriage all at the same time.  After Vicki trashed Donn all last season she’s trying to be as nice as can be to him.  Also, if I have to hear Vicki say “love-tank” anymore I’m going to perform murder-suicide in my apartment….and I live alone….so that’s going to be tricky.
• Later Vicki and Tamra go for a bitches lunch where they just bitch about Gretchen and others.  They probably don’t like Gretchen because they could be her grandmother.  How come whenever someone compliments Vicki on something new she is wearing she always gives them too much information?  Tamra likes Vicki’s new ring so she says, “thanks, it’s 6 carats.”  Class act.
• Tamra fills us all in about Gretchen’s Internet pictures that consist of her posing with a vibrator with a cord.  Both Vicki and Tamra are horrified by this.  I’m horrified by the fact that as they discuss this I get a mental image of Vicki using the vibrator with the cord, but instead of seeing Vicki, I’m seeing a woodchuck and instead of a vibrator with a cord I”m seeing a concrete mixer.  But that’s just me.  You may have your own images.
• The “next day” Lynn and Tamra go to workout together.  Lynn is sporting her crisp and Tamra is sporting her Lauren Conrad braid.  What a shame.  We do learn, however, that Lynn may be going in for some cosmetic neck surgery.  Why am thinking that she’ll still tan when she’s in recovery and then she’s just going to look like an Oreo?  Lynn doesn’t want Tamra to tell anyone that she may be getting this neck surgery.  Uh, hi Lynn?  Yeah, how are you?  Good?  Awesome.  Um, there’s a camera crew around you filming this and you’re wearing a microphone…and you just said words…out loud…and we have ears….so we heard them.  So, yeah, even if Tamra doesn’t tell anyone, I think that cat is officially out of the bag.  Poor Lynn.
• I may be lapsed into a coma at one point, but when I came to I saw Lynn’s daughter Alexa in a bikini, jumping up and down on a sidewalk, and screaming for people to come into the store.  Lynn was so proud of her underage daughter frolicking like a true skank.
• In the end Lynn is having a random get-together-dinner-party at the Saint Regis and Kelly to show off her new cuffs.  Seriously, enough with the cuffs.  All the “girls” are going to support Lynn and wear her cuffs and say “cuffs” and reference “cuffs.”  It’s all about the cuffs.  I’ve never said “cuffs” more in my life. 
• Oh and I forgot to mention that Vicki and Jeana haven’t spoke in 6-weeks after Jeana called Vicki asking her for money and Vicki denied her.  Ouch.  Later she switched real-estate agents too.  Yowza.  That Vicki, what a real pistol.
• Vicki won’t wear any of Lynn’s cuffs because she doesn’t like the “biker” look.  I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to wear the cuffs because I think they will melt into your skin and then combust.  Vicki may be a tool-timer, but she’s smart.  Remember what happened on Saved By the Bell when Zack got that group deal on the senior rings and their fingers turned green?  Similar concept.
• You could cut the tension with a facelift knife between Gretchen and Tamra.  Vicki adds fuel to the fire by making the situation even more awkward…probably because Vicki is still the insecure school girl that got picked last during the dam building contest.
• The trainwreck dinner shall comense.  I was hoping for a table-flip via the Housewives of New Jersey, but it only consisted of a shouting match between Tamra and Gretchen.  Every now and then Lynn would chime in with a question she had and Jeana would say, “oh come on that’s hurtful.”  Tamra says she doesn’t want to be friends with the hooker from Orange County, but I thought she was the hooker from Orange County…no?  Oh wait, no no.  She’s the lady who has sex with her creepy son…from Orange County.  My mistake. 
• They’re also talking about talking smack about each other in the the press.  See? THIS is what I’m talking about that they should be doing on The Hills.  At least these fried-out-bitches acknowledge the fact that they’re on a television show. 
• In the end Gretchen tells Tamra to shut the F up.  Sweet.  Notice how during the fight everyone was wearing Lynn’s cuff?  Brilliant.  THIS should be Lynn’s infomercial.  Just a thought.

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Real Housewives of OC Reunion: Tamra is White Trash Garbage.

Who caught the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion special?  Well I caught it like the flu.  Overall it was a bit of a let-down, but I guess I compare it to the 57 car pileup that was the Atlanta Housewives reunion special.  But let me just say this, I feel the need (as a complete loser) to defend and speak on Gretchen’s behalf after Tamra threw her under the bus.

If you recall, out of nowhere, Tamra let the cat out of the bag in regards to Gretchen possibly dating some guy named Jay while she was engaged to Jeff.  Whether or not it’s true, who cares?  This is reality television.  Gretchen could steamroll over an entire football team in Jeff’s hospital room and I wouldn’t think less of her.  I’m morally responsible like that.  Anyway, Tamra tee’d off on Gretchen and Gretchen kinda just took it. 

Who the hell is Tamra?  She’s just some 40-something white-trash garbage heap who married into some money with a pervy-incest-loving son who would bang his mom, aunt, and cousin all at the same time while the Bravo cameras rolled.  Her freckly overly tanned boobs are always pushed up to her chin and her Scarecrow-straw-like hair looks like it’s about to fall out in clumps.  She wears that one shirt with those bedazzled diamonds around the boobs and has it in every color.  No one wants to be like you, Tamra.  If this is what 30 year old women have to look forward to, open the window and jump now.  Her Lee-Presson Nails only add to her 1991 vibe.  Toss on a hypercolor t-shirt and some Skidz and you’ve completed the package. You’re the “hottest housewife” in the land of $2 dollar sucky-sucky prostitutes.  Mrs Roper is more appealing than you. You think you’re the “cool girl” at the lunch table. You are, however, the cool girl at the lunch table in the town where all the skanks from highschool got knocked up at 17, kept bleaching their hair, got giant boob jobs and then kept that same appearance while turning 41 yrs old. You’re cool at that kind of table. P.S, your house is the smallest one out of everybody’s.

P.P.S –>  Watching Lynne cry and push snot out of her nose should win her some type of award.

P.P.S –> I’m a loser blogger.  I’m allowed to say all of these things, but I speak for 3/4ths of America and .25% of Canada and .33% of New Mexico (is that in the United States?).  I’m not good with math and don’t know what any of those percentages and fractions add up to, but I’m pretty sure it means that most people agree that Tamra is white-triggity-trash.

What did you guys think?

Drunk Gretchen from Real Housewives of the OC Makes Me Want to Actually Watch The Real Housewives of the OC. Score!

Like many of you, IBBB reader and friend – Debil Dog, has asked me numerous times to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County. She was adiment about me watching last nights episode so I Tivo’d Nip/Tuck and tuned in for the drunken debacle that was RHoOC.

First off, watching Tamra go to etiquette class is like watching Britney Spears trying hard not to say “y’all.” She’ll never quite get there. After completing her class, Tamra decided to throw a fancy dinner with some random chef for the whole cast. This consisted of food and a ton of alcohol. Sadly, I was without alcohol so I could barely make it through this crapisode. That was until Gretchen started to get shit-tanked.

Look, Gretchen is hot. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. I just wish she looked more like she was 30 and not so much like 40 and like one of “Barker’s Babes” from “The Prices is Right.” Let’s take a journy out of the 90’s and head on in to 2009.

With all that said, Gretchen totally made this episode. She got drunk. And when I say “drunk” I really mean “one tequila shot away from getting her stomach pumped.” I love when reality show people get real drunk and not faux-drunk. Gretchen was slurring her words, grabbing her boobs, lifting up her dress, and flirting with Tamra’s creeptastic son, Ryan, who looks like he’s ready to become a professional diddler. My favorite part, of course, was when Gretchen started to yell out “Tamraaaaaaaaaaa TamRaaaaaaaaa.” Pure brilliance. You know the part.

I was a little disappointed at how extra d-baggy Tamra and Vicki were for making sure Gretchen hit the “4th sheet to the wind.” She was fun at 3-sheets, but got a little sloppy at 4-sheets. I figured it was just because Tamra is white-trash, so getting other people hammered is like an Olympic event for her and Vicki is dead inside, so this helped bring her back to life.

The episode ended with Gretchen (who’s engaged to some dude who is in the hospital with cancer) leaving the main party and heading into the bathroom with Tamra’s son. At first you can hear Gretchen telling Ryan that he can’t kiss her or hug her because she’s “with a great guy” already, but then she says that “he’s really turning her on.” Then they cut to …..”to be continued.” Damn it all to hell, now I’m going to need to watch next week. Either way, Gretchen’s hot. Sometimes hotness makes you cheat on people. Sometimes those people are dying in the hospital. Sometimes that happens. And “Ryan” is going to look like even more of a tool if this did happen because he tried to hook up with a drunk chick (which is normally fine) whose fiance is dying in the hospital. Way to go, dude.

Oh, by the way Lynne and her husband were there, but no one seemed to care.

What did you craptastic readers think of this crapisode? Do you think Gretchen went down for a little sucky sucky or do you think it’s just crafty editing?

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