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Real Housewives of New York City: Horses and Sand Angels is the New Satchels of Gold

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I’m pretty sure no one will be reading this recap today as the Royal Wedding has taken over the world and, well, I blame Disney and you better start blaming them too.  Anycrumpets, if you’re a horse lover you’re going to love this crapisode of RHoNYC.  How’s that for a smooth transition?  It’s as smooth as Cindy’s gentlemen greeter, I’m sure.  Speaking of Cin-Bad, she and Sonja (who seems like she’s on enough pain killers to hault a charging bull) are meeting up to see some designer in downtown NYC who may or may not also provide $2 dollar sucky sucky on the side, you know, for added profit.  Things are already off to a rocky start as Cindy’s two front teeth have apparently fallen out.  Let’s just assume that’s better for that $2 dollar sucky sucky that I mentioned just moments ago.  Cindy cracked her teeth whilst drunkenly eating peanuts or something the night before.  Sure, that all makes sense.  To make things even classier, she’s brought some “travel veneers” with her and is asking Sonja to help her glue them to her gums or something.  Remember when you had to have a talent to be on television?  Yeah, those days are gone.  Now you just have to be able to glue teeth to your mouth.  See you all in hell.

Sonja ends up getting pissed that Cindy needs to cancel lunch plans because she needs to go to the dentist.  No really, Sonja is pissed.  Cindy tries to explain that she won’t be able to eat anything because of her teeth and Sonja tries to convince her otherwise.  During her one on one interview Sonja says that she has a friend who’s had extensive teeth worth “and she can still take steak.”  I’m sorry, what?  She can “take steak?”  What in the holy royal hell does that even mean?  Does she mean, like, vaginally?

It wouldn’t be an episode without Sad Ross making an appearance!  Seriously every time he enters a scene I can just hear the real Ross looking all glum and saying “Hiiiii” with his head down.  The only thing missing here is Marcel.  However, Sad Ross has found a new Marcel in LuAnn’s dog.  They’re all in the Hamptons and we’re learning that LuAnn lives in NYC for about 2-3 days a week and then pops on in to the Hamptons to be a mom for the remaining days of the week.  I’m sure her 15 yr old daughter will be pregnant before the season is up.  Anyway, Sad Ross is doing something really strange with their dog and at one point is holding its paws and places his forehead on the dogs forehead.  If cameras weren’t rolling let’s just say that Sad Ross would be pantsless and reaching for the jar of peanut butter.

Meanwhile, since Jill Zarin is still frolicking in Australia sans a camera crew we’re getting twice the amount of Sonja time which is fine by me.  Sonja and Kelly are going to ride horses, which ends up becoming the theme of this entire episode.  At every turn someone is on a horse or talking about a horse or f*cking a horse.  Horses, horses, horses, horses.  Sonja is trying to do tricks (or turn tricks) on her horse even though Kelly is telling her to calm down and take it easy.  And that’s when it happens.  Part karma, part the universe’s doing…the horse throws Sonja off of it and into the dirt.  My first thought was that she won’t be playing Superman anytime soon, but then I just realized that was in poor taste so I stopped thinking it and continued thinking how for the first 25 seconds I thought Kelly and Sonja were riding Cindy and her brother.

Later there’s a party at LuAnn’s house and by “LuAnn’s house” I of course mean “the house that her husband worked so hard for and lost in the divorce” and by “her husband worked so hard for” I or course mean, “17 generations above him sold someone the Suez Canal or some junk like that.”  Also, who’s buying canals?  Really?  Anyway, Cindy is trying to talk about her boring party that she’s going to have and Sonja won’t let her get a word in because she’s starved for attention, demands the camera time, and is probably bombed.  I’m not sure why Sonja is so interested in the details of this party as she already told Cindy she won’t be going to it since it’s in Quahog and is too much of a commute.  Also, isn’t Quahog a fictitious place on the Family Guy like, you know, Calcutta?  Moving on.

There’s a ton of traffic to get to LuAnn’s house of horror and so Alex is late and then, eventually, Ramona shows up.  Hooray for when Romona walks through the door.  In the same way that LuAnn should be forced to sing “Money Can’t Buy You Class” in every scene she’s in, trumpets should sound every time Ramona walks into a room.  The best part, for me, is how Ramona walks into the kitchen and just says, “I need a Pino Grigio immediately, immediately!”  This is when it hits me.  Cindy has the same fidgety mannerisms as Ramona.  She kinda bugs out her eyes, flips her hair, and blinks about 3,000 times a minute…just like My Little Ramoner.  My Little Ramoner, bombed Ramoner, I like to brush her Pinot soaked hair.

Romona ends up randomly giving a little dig towards LuAnn about her living in NYC a few days a week and then coming back to the Hamptons to be a parent.  I think she said, “So you’re a weekend mom” or something to that effect.  Ramona should be forced to eat a shoe once per episode.  Meanwhile, a drunken Cindy spills the scripted beans to Kelly that Sonja is planning some kind of “Toaster Oven” party and is going to reunite her and Ramona.  I don’t know what I’m more confused over; the fact that Sonja gives enough of a sh*t to try and fix Kelly and Ramona’s relationship, the fact that Cindy is being a rat about the plan and telling Kelly, or the fact that no one is batting an eye over Sonja having a “Toaster Oven” party.  Seriously, what?  Is this something that people (A) do or (B) care about?

The “next day” during some dog walk that raises money for rich people who walk their dogs, I guess, Sonja and Kelly spend a little quality time on the beach and Kelly confronts Sonja about her party and plan to reunite she and Ramona.  Kelly tells Sonja that she doesn’t really want to be friends with Ramona or know anything about her.  And then, well then, she just drops to the sand and starts making sand angels over and over again to avoid talking about this any more.  I was waiting for Sonja to bark that she has the worst manners and to get off of her beach but, alas, she didn’t.  I kinda miss the crazy Kelly from last season and I hate to admit this, but I’m kinda missing Jill too.  I mean, I say that now and next week when she’s back on I’m going to want to karate kick my leg through my television, but for right this second I miss her…and her potato latkes.

It’s the day of Cindy’s horse party (fitting) and Hurricane Ramona is edging up the coast.  Within 2.2 seconds of her being there she says to Cindy, “Do you have my Pinot Grigio?”  Then that’s where the fear sets into her eyes when she realizes that there’s a chance that they forgot to buy it.  You could tell that Ramona was trying to figure out a way to cut out her own liver and then wring it out over her mouth.  Is there a doctor in the house?!  She then says that she can’t drink anything else but Pinot.  Really?  It’s like she thinks she has a Pepsi endorsement or something.  Moments later Ramona is ready to start riding horses and gets all pissed off that they lady won’t let her freely ride the horse, but just slowly walk it back and forth while some instructor holds the reigns.  Ramona just yells, “Mario, I’m gonna get off.” Good old Ramona!  What a disaster.  Best on the show and, also, best in show.

Later when Ramona tries to talk to Kelly for a minute, Kelly wants nothing to do with her and immediately tells her that she’s with her daughter today so she doesn’t want to do this.  Geesh.  Ramona was just trying to talk to her, not sell her drugs.  Then, while all the “ladies” were sitting together Cindy made the mistake of asking Kelly something about the brunch that she was having the following morning and Ramona realized she wasn’t invited…so she calls her out on it and says, “I’ve invited you to everything I’ve ever had” to which Kelly just responds, “Thank you for doing that.” Poor Ramona.  They’re dumb to not invite her as most scenes she’s in actually make it to the final edit.

In the end, Hurricane Ramona is trying to confront Cindy’s creepy brother about that whole strange cigar/wedding/dead friend thing from a few episodes ago.  Her brother doesn’t want to talk to her and his girlfriend/wife is trying to block Ramona from him.  Is it just me or can you not tell the difference between Cindy and this chick?  It’s strange.  They even dress alike.  Sick son-of-a-b*tches!  Cindy ends up coming over and telling Ramona to cut it out and to not do this in front of her parents and at her party.  Ramona starts to lose her sh*t and is shaking and crying and blinking and spitting. It’s a lot.  I have to be honest, I still don’t fully understand what in the hell happened or even what in the hell is going on right now.  All I know (alls I knows) is that  the scene ended with Cindy being pissed that someone brought dip to her party…so she removes it.  Ok.

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Real Housewives of New York City: Ramona’s Runway Walk 2.0 (Wheels Sold Separately)

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While the cat’s away, the mice will play so it only makes sense that Jill Zarin isn’t in this episode as she is traveling in Australia most likely feeding kangaroos her potato latkes and asking them if they liked it.  But just because Jill is away and Bravo didn’t want to spend a dime filming it doesn’t mean that crazy can’t be found elsewhere.  We’re suddenly brought back to “The Hills” where each scene consists of “the girls” getting together for a pedicure or a quick lunch that doesn’t involve food.  Kelly and LuAnn are meeting up for said pedicure because, let’s face it, who else will LuAnn film with at this point in the franchise and Kelly is complaining that she is single and wants a family for her two daughters that look nothing like her.  Suddenly LuAnn and Sad Ross from Friends are the envy of the town?  LuAnn evidently thinks so and wants Kelly to come to some wine-dating-mixer-thing that Sad Ross is throwing and even brags to Kelly that “many Europeans will be there.”  Oh boy! Real life Europeans!?  No way!  It’s like our Social Studies book is coming to life!

Meanwhile, fresh off Sonja kicking Alex out of her house for “having the worst manners” they decide to meet up for a lunchless lunch to discuss the process of being thrown out and what better place to do that than on camera.  I would normally think this was a bore, but the second Sonja entered the scene it was game on.  First off she wouldn’t take her coat off in the restaurant because she had her yoga clothes on underneath it and second of all she was sporting some giant black afro-like hat that looked like she was either my sister’s Russian Cabbage Patch doll or Foxy Cleopatra.  I guess it doesn’t really matter because she’s suddenly morphed into Barbara Streisand.  No joke, not only does she look like her, but she kind of sounds like her, no?  There’s no way I can be the first person who thought of this?  Anynose, Alex, Sonja, and Sonja’s afro-hat all discuss Alex’s bad manners and how Sonja is afraid of Simon and doesn’t want a man screaming in her ear.  At one point Sonja just says, “I’m not dealing with your husband” and Alex says nothing to that.  Really?  Yawn.  It’s like Sonja is producing her own scenes now and Alex doesn’t know how to play along.  Alex tried to be all serious, but I have to admit that Sonja was making me laughing as she was filing down breadstick after breadstick like a woodchuck.  Bravo!  Literally.

Later that night, Satchels of Gold and Cindy meet up to have drinks and Cindy is visibly upset over something that she claims she is “shaking” over.  I thought she was going to say she was sexually assaulted in the cab ride over, but she was just really upset because she had to have her creepy brother fire the nanny.  Yeah, that must be tough.  It’s always a traumatizing time when you have to fire the hired help, I mean, even the starving kids in Africa think so.  I’m not the biggest fan of Cindy, but she scored a few points with me when Kelly was trying to text Ramona to tell her that she couldn’t go to her award ceremony and it took Kelly 15 minutes just to send the text and Cindy sat there with her mouth ajar staring at Kelly like she could “catch dumb b*tch” just by being that close to her.  Seriously, Kelly worked forever on that text message and you totally know that the end result looked like this: Hi Ramona, ejrowejrwe9ur9 jojwerfew90  oprjwpojds.  Thanks, Kelly.

You know what this episode needs?  Speed dating.  And there you have it.  It’s the night of Sad Ross’ wine and dating party and finally some real crazy takes place.  Kelly is all freaked out because she’s really more a beer girl (see: Xanax) than wine.  She asks LuAnn if you’re supposed to spit the wine out after you taste it and LuAnn spews out something like, “Darling, you don’t spit.  I highly recommend swallowing.”  Class act.  I mean, that she’s ok with saying but she’s not ok with talking about her gentlemen greeter getting waxed?  Oh LuAnna, oh don’t you cry for me, for I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee.  Just sayin’.

Anysuezcanal, Kelly, Sonja, and Cindy all attend this speed dating event and hopefully they’re rape whistles are within reach because someone is going home a mother (again) before this night is over.  One French dude is staring at Sonja’s rack the whole time, as is the camera.  One guy is old enough to be Kelly’s father (and may, in fact, be her dad), and one dude looks like he has the opposite teeth as Cindy.  The conversations are all tragic and then Sad Ross rings the bell that my first grade nun used as a way to declare “recess” and everyone must switch.  Honestly, it’s insane how much Sad Ross really does look like Ross.  If he didn’t have LuAnn’s same exact hairstyle he’d be a dead ringer.  Even when he talks with that French accent is reminds me when Ross tried out a British accent when he was teaching his class (i-denti-FY!).

Things get a whole lot more interesting when Kelly is matched up the actor with the creepy teeth.  He says he went to Juliard and so Kelly thinks it’s cool that he’s a dancer, but he says he was an actor not a dancer at Juliard so Kelly says, “Oh cool so what instrument do you play?” to which he responds, “I’m an actor so I don’t play an instrument.”  Good old Kelly.  I’m going to head downtown to practice flashcards with her three days a week just to make sure she can pass 8th grade this coming May.  Then for some inexplicable reason she makes him act out a scene where it ends with him asking her to marry him.  He’s playing a character that has cancer and needs to tell his girlfriend and Kelly decides to act along as well.  When he tells her that he has cancer she responds by angrily saying, “What?  What do you mean you have cancer.  You don’t just say that.” Good work Kelly.  Because at the end of the day getting pissed off at someone for having cancer is a natural reaction.  And they loved to be yelled at so that’s awesome too.  I have no idea why they’re doing any of this, but I found myself yelling “Ring the bell, Sad Ross, ring the bell!”

The “next day” some of the girls have to go all the way to Governors Island for a dumb birthday party for Alex.  It takes forever to get there, is windy as all hell, and is cold as Jill Zarin’s heart.  Oh, and no one really even showed up for it and Kelly’s daughter totally called it.  At one point Alex dropped her entire glass of champagne on Francois’ head and all was right with the world.  While Alex thought this was the best birthday ever, I thought it was the worst and apparently Kelly and Cindy did too because they bailed after about 10 minutes.  And don’t give Cindy sh*t for complaining that she had to go all the way to Governor’s Island.  I’m totally with her.  I won’t even head over to the East Side unless there are free drinks involved.

Finally the moment we’ve all been waiting for!  Ramona is about to walk in yet another runway show.  Ole!  Obviously her last runway show didn’t go over so well so she’s ready to redeem herself.  She’s even practicing her “bedroom eyes” which basically makes her look like she just caught Bin Laden working behind the counter of a 7-11.  And, to make matters worse, as she’s lined up backstage ready to go she starts losing her sh*t and keeps looking directly into the camera with her eyes bugged out.  Oh, this will go well.  It’s finally time for Ramona to take the stage and I really thought it was going to be way better than last time.  Sadly, it wasn’t.  While her eyes weren’t as bugged out she was doing this crazy things with her arms and hands that sorta made it look like she was trying to wheel herself in an imaginary wheelchair up the runway.  If you saw the scene, you’d agree.  And why did all the other “models” on the runway have their faces blurred out as they walked?  Maybe blurry faced models are the new thing?  Obviously I’m not that fashionable.  Personally I liked the second time Ramona walked down the runway that night because it consisted of more of a running-like quality.  Thank Santa Christ for Ramona!

If there was one thing I always say never gets talked about enough during RHONY it’s LuAnn’s beaver.  Well, that’s finally taken care of when the girls head out to Cindy’s beaver spa to get waxed within an inch of their lives like Pauly D’s eyebrows.  LuAnn is having a fit the whole time and saying “Daaaaaarling we don’t talk about that.”  Really?  Because I kinda think you do.  I bet LuAnn was just afraid of getting waxed down there because she finally got her pubes to grow out like Sad Ross’ hairstyle. And, had Jill Zarin been there, I’m sure she would have collected up all their waxed off hair to make a giant ponytail that is glued to her gentlemen greeter.  Just my guess, maybe you have your own.

Oh, and let’s not forget that Ramona isn’t the only one that’s a model in this episode.  Alex is too.  And we’re allowed to follow along on the photoshoot where she “models” in front of the camera.  I have no idea what she’s doing and neither does she.  All I know (alls I knows) is that I’m suffering from a classic case of secondhand embarrassment trying to watch her “model” and the photographer is totally pissed that he already signed his waiver that allows Bravo to use his face in this scene.  He’s probably jealous of those blurry-faced models on the runway in the previous scene.  And Alex kept doing this thing with her hands, where I’m pretty sure she was trying to make butterfly gestures.  Yeah.  Pretty.

In the end, it’s the night of Ramona’s big award ceremony where she gets some award for what I believe is her “renewal” from last season.  I have no idea.  Alex shows up with her creepy hair from the photoshoot and everyone tees off on her. It’s great.  You can barely hear it, but at one point you can hear Sonja saying, “We thought it was a wig.  We thought you were one of those hoochie mamas with the hair.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  No joke, Ramona and Sonja may be be favorite two.  Anyeyes, Romona has to give her speech and Sonja may be a couple sheets to the wind because she’s turned into one of the singing gospel churches where they just yell out “yes Lord” when the preacher is, uh, preaching?  The highlight for me was when Ramona was talking about getting her 2-year college degree.  Brilliant.  She should do another renewal and go for a 4-year degree.

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Real Housewives of New York: Stop Saying “Manners”

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Is it just me or are there Housewives shows on every other day?  I can’t keep up.  I’m kidding.  Of course I can.  I schedule my life around this and, well, let’s just say there’s not a lot of schedule maneuvering that I have to do.  But I digest.  I’m pretty sure this entire episode was professionally edited by Jimmy Two-Times because we were forced to hear the same two phrases repeated every 11 seconds for the entire hour.  These phrases, as you know, were: Marriage Equality and No Manners.  Had this been a drinking game I would have had my stomached pump within 14 minutes, which is a nice change of pace as I’m used to the pumping taking place within 25 minutes.  I like beating records.

We kick things off with Sonja having everyone over to her casa de crazy to hand out white wedding-like dresses to “the girls” for the Marriage Equality walk (drink!).  Sonja is sharing her inner monologue with us the entire time because she won’t stop saying how she’s the Grand Marshall of the walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and how everyone needs to support her.  Alex keeps saying how she’s on the committee, but I’m still hypnotized from last week that she is now a “mod-el.”  I mean, let’s face it the only real thing that she’ll be modeling is “A New Alanteeeeee” just like Kelly Bundy.  Unfortunately she doesn’t have as much bounce as her.

Once they finally get to the event here’s where the faux-fighting really starts.  In Made Up Rules news, apparently since Sonja is the Grand Marshall of the event she will be the only one from the cast giving a speech and, evidently, demanded that she be the only one who speaks.  Alex looks like her underbite is about to break off when she learns that Simon (who’s dressed in a glittery shimmery rainbow colored jacket looking like infomercial king Matthew Lesko screaming out secrets on how to get rich quick from the stairs of the Capitol and charging towards the camera) won’t be allowed to give his speech.  Alex immediately confronts Sonja about why she won’t allow Simon to speak, but Sonja is too preoccupied with practicing her speech to even care.  She actually looks like she’s about to smear Shasta all over her white wedding dress.

Suddenly Jill Zarin-Mousekewitz ends up showing up to the event just in time to witness Alex and Simon buzzing in Sonja’s ear, but still making sure they’re hitting their marks and positioned perfectly towards the camera and the boom mic.  Somehow, the voice of reason is actually Kelly Bensimon who is yelling in their faces how they’re embarrassing themselves at this event.  I mean, sure she came on strong and LuAnn had to tell her to settle down, but still all of sudden Kelly doesn’t seem so crazy anymore…which bores me.

Later Jill completely overreacts to Alex saying that she’s glad she stayed true to the committee and showed up to the event.  Jill starts yelling, “Leave me alone!  Stop picking on me!  You keep picking on me!”  Oh Jill.  Poor simple Jill.  She’s completely on damage control from last season, but no one is going to be pegging Jill as the victim and have pity on her any time soon.  Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true.  Didn’t someone say that once?

And then…Sonja takes the stage for her speech.  What in the holy hell was she talking about?  She was talking. in. short. bursts. of. random. words and at one point she just yelled “love” into the microphone, backed up, and gave the peace sign over her head.  She then says everyone should be equal.  That’s nice.  How the hell did she get this gig?  Was she technically having a stroke on camera?  I bet it smelled like burnt toast near the podium.  Things continue to get even more awkward the uncomfortable when all the girls walk across the Brooklyn Bridge in their white dresses and responding to a chant started by Alex.  They should have all canonballed off the bridge, you know, just for sport.

After the march they all head back to Brooklyn where Alex and Simon are having a little fiesta to celebrate continuously making asses of themselves on national television week after week for about 3 months out of the year.  Simon then decides to give the speech that Sonja “silenced” him over at the march and, well, thank God she did.  He was rambling on about how he came over to the US from Australia and met an “Alex’ but if her name wasn’t Alexandra he wouldn’t be allowed to get married to her, get his greencard, or become a US Citizen.  So, to sum up, he was most grateful for the greencard.  Just want to make sure we’re all on the same page.  They all end up making a toast to Marriage Equality (and saying it a record 213 times in under 30 minutes) and Jill says, “If they all want to be married and as miserable as us, let them” to which everyone there squeals “Jiiiiiiiill!” in the same way that the teacher says, “Gilly!?”

I personally think it’s a disgrace that Ramona didn’t make her first appearance until 30 minutes into this episode.  I found myself going into fits of rage when I realized this.  Apparently Ramona bought a table at this Gucci charity event and invited everyone except Jill and Kelly. She didn’t want Kelly there since she pretty much thinks she can “catch crazy.”  And you know who I’m seriously already sick of, Alex.  She’s chatting with Ramona about the seating arrangement and then immediately says, “Just don’t sit me next to Sonja!”  Really Alex?  Really?  This chick is desperate for camera time and will do anything it takes to start a brawl with anyone.  She’d fight the cameraman if he could still film it while she beat the bag out of him.  And is it just me or can you never see listen to Alex without hearing her say “Cocktail and Couture” from the Reunion last season?  Just me?  Moving on.

Other stuff happens in this episode like a 5 minute segment of Cindy and her creepy brother recapping that random scene that happened last week between Ramona and that lady, who I thought actually was Cindy until about 2 minutes ago.  Cindy is going to need to get trashy and get trashy fast if she wants to hold my attention.  Blonk.  Bloop, bloop, bloop!

The final scene is about 10 minutes long and they’re totally still milking this whole Marriage Equality fight by making sure to beat it to death at Sonja’s “art party.”  First off, that dude that painted her is supposed to be her bang-buddy?  Really?  I assumed she was fighting for his rights to marry earlier in this episode.  Anyway, I’m almost certain Sonja was drunk right off the bat because as soon as Alex walks in she confronts her about the event and Alex starts to fight back. This is where Sonja repeats, no joke, about 27 times, “You have no manners, get outta my house.”   And then she’ll just randomly sprinkle in here and there “No manners, out!”  She then also just keeps saying that the Marriage Equality event wasn’t the time or place to discuss Simon not being able to give the speech and her art party wasn’t the time or place to discuss it either.  Uh, wasn’t she the one who just brought this up?  I did laugh, however, when she was like, “And Simon…what’s your husbands name? Is it Simon?  Simon was buzzing in my ear….”  Sonja is train-wreck status enough for me to find myself smiling at most scenes she is in.  Cindy, take notes.

Sonja then, for the 12th time, kicks Alex out of the house for having “no manners” and is in the process of tossing her out the second that LuAnn is walking in.  And why the hell isn’t LuAnn singing Money Can’y Buy You Class as she enters the room?  She should.  By law, she should be forced to sing that song any time she enters any room.  Hell, we all should!  And what the hell was Alex wearing to the party?  Someone hit the nail right on the head when they said she looked like a dominatrix.  She looked like the mix of a dominatrix, a prostitute (toot!), and a tranny.  When she was kicked out and walking up the streets of NYC she looked like she was selling, for sure.  Even LuAnn had a funny one-liner when she said that she would have kicked her out just for wearing that dress.  Speaking of one-liners, Sonja had a good one too when she said that Alex grew balls last season in St. John’s and has been swinging them ever since.  I love crazy.

In the end, Sonja’s “boyfriend” unveiled her portrait and it was, um, nice?  It looked like a freakin’ caricature that they draw of you in the middle of Times Square.  I mean, it also kinda made her look like an alligator but, in all reality, if she was a cartoon I kinda think she really would be an alligator.  Oh, and she was basically spread eagle with a blanket over her “gentlemen greeter” in the painting.  If all of this was about trying to help her “boyfriend” get some exposure and sell some paintings I kinda think it backfired.

Overall this episode was decent at best.  Honestly, if Ramona isn’t in at least 70% of it it’s kinda not worth watching.  Although Sonja does seem to save some of the scenes with a natural crazy.  Alex’s “voice” she found needs to be turned down a notch.  It’s nice that she’s found a voice…now if only she could find something legitimate to say.

Next week Alex does some “modeling” and Ramona takes another stab at walking the runway. Bring it!

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Real Housewives of New York City Recap: It Only Makes Sense That There is Ramona Wine on the Market

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Hello everybody it’s me, LuAnn, as you knoooow!  It’s not, but I’m glad that Real Housewives of NYC is back as it increases that chances that we’ll all be living in a world where LuAnn will be “sing-talking” to us.  It’s been a while since this classically trained wreck was on the talk box and, well, I’m glad it’s back.  It’s great to see what’s new with everyone and what products they’ll be trying to force down our throats on the regular.  Take Ramona for example.  Since she plays the roll of the functioning wino it only makes sense that as she’s having a little party on the roof of some hotel she’s serving her very own brand of wine that I’m pretty sure is actually called “Ramona.”  Personally, I think she should have called it “Pinona Creepio” but that’s just me and, I mean, who am I, really?

This season we’re all going to have to suffer from the fallout of “Alex finding her voice.”  This obviously translates to awkward facials expressions and movements every time she see’s Jill.  At Ramona’s little get together as soon as Jill and Bobby walk in, Alex looks as if she just saw Simon naked.  I think she thinks that really bothers Jill.  If she really wanted to get to Jill she should sing consistently “Somewhere Out There” and call her Fievel Mousekewitz.  I mean, that would be my strategy obviously.

Speaking of Jill, I think she’s trying to be nice this season.  Sure that lasts for about 15.4 seconds, but at least she’s still trying.  And by trying I mean that when she walks into the party she says, “Look how nice this is!”  She might as well have just looked into the camera and winked.  I also think that Jill is going to use this season to continuously try to clear up the whole Bethenny situation.  Whilst rocking a classic ponytail and sitting on her bed chit-chattin’ like school girls with Kelly “I’m Not Emotionally Nuts” Bensimon, Jill takes the time to bring up how Bethenny was really just trying to build this empire and had no more room for Jill.  She is kinda looking out the side of her eye towards the camera during the whole conversation.  Yeah, we see you Jill.  She basically needs to get over this whole thing.  The only grudge she can really hold against Bethenny is over the fact that she never told Jill what she thought of her potato latkes (”let me know what you think of the latkes”).

In a gigantic turn of events, Alex is a model now.  Apparently letting her husband take pictures of rack and “gentlemen greeter” whilst she was spread-eagle in the hallway of her husbands hotel really has paid off!  I guess Kohl’s will be looking for a “Women’s World” spokesperson to model caftans?  I have no idea what 3 of those words even mean.  All I know (alls I knows) is that she and Simon are working from home together as Simon has officially left the hotel business to start up a social network.  I think that’s a great idea as I hear the 500 million people who are on Facebook are looking to move on.

However, what season wouldn’t be complete without some random new chick trying to weasel her way to the middle of the apple holding opening ceremony?  Meet Cindy Barshop.  Cindy is as rich as can be because she owns a bunch of spas where you walk in with 70’s retro bush and walk out as hairless as Grandma Wrinkles.  Cindy is the kind of “girl” who has it all, except a man but that didn’t stop her from having two twin girls later on in life.  I’m not sure how exciting she’s going to be for this show, but I’m going to give her large underbite a fair chance.  Plus, I mean, this is NYC we’re talking about so I’m sure at some point I’ll run into her and I don’t want it to be awkward.  If she drinks out of a dumpster on the regular we’re bound to be tight friends.  Tight, hairless friends.  I also don’t know what the part means either.  I’m basically just typing random thoughts.

Anyhorselikemouth, Cindy is having some random party for some random artist that we’re all supposed to know.  Let’s be real for a second, if we’re watching this show it’s not likely we know things like “artists” and “good taste.”  We know “brain rot” and “garbage heaps.”  Anyway, the artist who I assumed was just a grown up Buddy from Charles in Charge wants everyone to take off their shoes, dip their feet in paint, and then walk all over a sheet of paper.  I thought LuAnn was going to self combust, but she actually did decent with this task.  I’m glad she’s not shoving “Class With the Countess” down our throats this season.  Kelly, of course, is fine with doing this as I’m guessing this is how she typically signs her checks so this is like home to her.  And then we have Jill.  Jill is screaming for Bobby and is concerned about her expensive shoes.  She should have dipped Gloria’s little puff ball head into the paint and just start using her as a human stamp, but that’s just me.  I like to think outside the gentlemen greeter.  See what I did there? Oh, and Alex just kind of creepily stood in the background the whole time like a lurker.  During her one on one interview, Kelly laughed when she said that Alex would attend the opening of an envelope.  Uh, nice try Kelly, but I’m almost certain that Bethenny said the exact same joke about you 2 seasons ago.  Zing!

Jill takes the time to yenta it up about how old Cindy must be and how she had to have a surrogate in order to have those twins.  She actually doesn’t stop when Cindy walks up to her.  Jill thinks she’s doing the right thing by saying, “Can I ask you some personal questions?”  She then asks her is she had invitro, if she had a surrogate, how old she was, who her doctor is, does the baby have a father, does she have a husband, and how much hair is left her on vaginastein.  If this is Jill’s idea of turning over a new leaf, she’s doing great.  These are also great icebreaker questions for the first time you meet someone…ever.   Try it work the next time a new person starts.  You’ll all be squealing with delight especially when you’re forced to re-tell the story to Human Resources.

Oh, and Sonja is in the show too.  I actually kind of like her.  She seems like someone you could split a 30-pack with and then strangle a hooker to death on the streets of New York.  Anyway, Sonja and Bull from Night Court  are having a double date with LuAnn and Sad Ross from Friends.  This is like Must See TV all over again for me!  I originally thought this double date was going to be a snoozefest thanks to LuAnn (as you knooow) but this divorce must have really agreed with her.  Once minute they’re all ordering wine and next thing you know they’re making off-color jokes about LuAnns beav and her “garden.”  They’re tossing in innuendos about flowers growing in her garden and the like.  It’s a really touching moment.  I’m sure Sad Ross is going to town under the table as that entire conversation is taking place.  And I’m not sure I totally believe that Bull is banging Sonja on the regular.  She is an attractive older woman, but she leads us to believe that all men want her.  I’m not sure how I feel about this yet.  I’m having nightmares about that one scene I saw in the previews for this season where she’s dressed up in costume and bends over and her entire ass falls out of her dress and, well, it scared me.  I woke up in a cold sweat.

I have to admit, Ramona continues to be the unsung hero for me already.  She’s kind of brilliant and really does deserve her own spinoff.  This time around, Ramona is trying to hire a second assistant and will be holding the interviews on camera.  The whole scene is brilliant actually.  She literally rips all these girls to shreds and talks about them to her other assistant like they’re not even in the room.  First off, this one girl comes in named Tunisa and Ramona says, “That’s your name?  It sounds like a country” to which the girl replies “It is.”  Next.  Then some other girl comes in and says that she’s really quiet and Ramona looks like she’s about to break a bottle of her Ramona Grigio and slice her with it.  However, the last girl is the one who is probably on suicide watch today.  She seemed like a nice enough girl, but Ramona makes her take off her blazer because she says she looks to “mid-west” and then disagrees with her when the girl says she’s really outgoing.  I have to agree with Ramona on this one.  I would have placed a mirror under her nose.  Then all of a sudden, Ramona stands up and declares “You look like you have some skin issues” and then she gives the poor girl a jar of her Renewal skincare.  It was at that exact moment that you could see in the girl’s eyes that she wished she never signed that waiver to show her face on national television.  Me gusta Ramona.  Me gusta her a lot.

Finally towards the end there is some big wedding in the Hamptons that is taking place and Ramona, Alex, and Jill are all going.  The only thing is that Jill doesn’t know that Alex is going, as Ramona has decided to leave this minor detail out as she says it’s more fun this way.  Thank God for Ramona because, you know what, she’s right.  Once they show up at the church Jill looks like she’s about to vomit when she first sees Alex and had to be held up by Bobby (not Justin).  Alex immediately calls out Jill for being on the committee for some gay marriage/equality event, where people put on wedding dresses and walk over the Brooklyn bridge, but isn’t actually going to attend.  Jill tries to squirm out of this conversation by saying that she’s on the kind of committee where you just give you name, but don’t go to the event, but Alex won’t let it slide.  On one hand I’m glad she’s calling Jill out, but on the other hand it’s like we get it…Fievel Mousekewitz likes to lie.

Things get a little blurry for me after the church when Ramona is telling some story about Cindy’s brother saying something about her friend who passed away and him “being in his mouth” while he smoked a cigar?  Seriously, I have zero idea what the hell she was talking about but all I do know is that Cindy and her brother were standing directly behind Ramona when she was talking smack and called her out on it and then walked away.  Ramona started to break out in hives and then just says, “Oh this is bad.  Ok, I’ll figure it out later.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!

In the end at the, Jill continues to talk crap about Alex to these two zombie women at the outdoor wedding reception.  She’s telling them about the marriage equality event, but I think she’s really trying to tell the camera man and “the America” in an attempt to try and clear it up.  She then makes fun of Alex and Ramona for wearing white to a wedding.  Did anyone watch “Watch What Happens Live” after the show?  2 things: 1.  Jill claims that in that scene they dubbed in her voice from a conversation she was having with a producer and that the words don’t match her mouth.  2.  More importantly, did you see Jill wearing the corset with the long dark brown ponytail?  She looked like La Cucaracha.  Ole!

Anyway, Alex decides to call out Jill one last time about pretending she didn’t know Alex was invited to the wedding as Jill apparently called Ramona and the bride (?) to ask them if Alex was going.  I is be confused, again, please.  Alex is like a pitbull and won’t let up on Jill.  It’s fun to see her squirm though, especially when she blatantly lies.  I mean, I don’t want Jill to stop lying or anything because it really adds to the show.  And by “the show” I, of course, mean “my life.” For a last minute laugh, Ramona ends up sticking her finger in the wedding cake to sneak a quick taste even though the wedding cake hadn’t been cut yet.  Brilliant.  More Ramona please!

So what did all y’alls and y’alls alls think about this first crapisode?  100 times better than the OC already, yes?

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Real Housewives of New York City Reunion Part 3 of 2,093: Are Jill and Bethenny Friends Again?

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Well we’re down to the final reunion for the Real Housewives of New York City.  I’m pretty sure this could be turned into an additional 14 episodes if Andy kept on reading viewer mail from people who think Jill is a b*tch and if the discussion centered around how crazy train Kelly is.  What was interesting to me, as my life consists of nothing interesting in itself, was the fact that we were all lead to believe that Kelly left Ramona’s Virgin Islands trip on her own because she needed to get away from all the drama from the night before (see: breakdown) and be with her daughters.  Well the crazy cat was let out of the crazy bag when Bethenny informed us that Kelly was actually asked to leave the island by the people of Bravo and was escorted home by one of the producers.  Seriously, insane.

I have to believe this, as I also believe in Santa Claus still (and so should you), because Ramona and Bethenny both called Jill, off camera, to tell her that Kelly had a breakdown and they are afraid for her.  Bethenny actually thought it was so bad that she was under the impression that Kelly was going to check herself into a mental hospital as soon as she landed in NYC.  Awesome.  I know that the footage we saw was all 6’s and 7’s, but I want to see the completely unedited footage so, fine people of Bravo, please email those clips to me so that I can recap it.  Gracias.  That means “thanks” in Spanish.

Later we got to see my favorite part of all 15 reunion episodes, where Ramona stands up, gets all crazy, throws her hands up over her head, and starts yelling at Jill saying (in regards to Jill surprising the girls at the Virgin Islands…and then getting kicked out), “You should have said, ‘Alex I was a sh*t head to you. Bethenny I was a sh*thead to you.  Ramona I was a sh*thead to you too and please forgive me!”  Bravo, Bravo!  Literally.  Ramona takes it a step further and does a little “Jack Nicholson: You Can’t Handle the Truth” when she says to Jill, “You didn’t look for a chance God damn it!”  Awesome.  More please.  More.

And just when you think Kelly can’t make an less sense, Andy puts a video montage together of Kelly contradicting herself.  It gets worse because then Kelly tries to explain how she doesn’t contradict herself because she can change her mind any day she wants…and then later she says she does contradict herself.  Bethenny looks like her eyes are going to fall out of her head and I’m almost certain I see steam coming from her ears.  There should have been one camera just on Bethenny the entire show simply because of her facial reactions.  All brilliant.

As much as I’m over Jill this season she did bring a smile to my mean spirited face when she kept on telling Alex, “You were spread eagle in the hallway of your husbands hotel” when they were discussing the difference between Kelly posing for Playboy and Alex’s nude pictures that were “leaked” after Season One.

In the end Andy goes around the room asking who would want to come back for next season.  No one seems to know.  Actually, Sonja knows.  She’s all in.  Jill isn’t sure because she can’t see herself filming with Alex again.  As long as Ramona signs up, I’m happy.  I’d actually just like to watch a show where a camera follows Ramona around and, at the same time, Ramona is wearing a helmet camera so we can see things from her perspective.  Good idea, no?

Finally in the last few seconds Jill gets up and hugs Bethenny as they both cry and Jill basically begs for their friendship back.  It’s sad because it’s a little desperate but, hey, that’s the show.  Godspeed.  Whatever that means.

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