More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of new york city’

Real Housewives of New York City: Money Can’t Buy You Well Behaved Camels (My Friend!)

Like a working whore at a gang bang, let’s dive right in. We pick up right where we left off from last week, which if you recall is when the psychic was telling Ramona that her husband basically is either banging some other chick or some other chick is trying to bang him. I mean, the whole situation is one giant cluster-sex because everyone is fighting over who gets to translate the horrible news from the psychic to Ramona. It was just like when me and my sister were little and we used to fight every Sunday morning over who got to take the tape off the Dunkin Donuts box. Don’t judge, it was a real thing.

The psychic and her magic carpet ride eyebrows is trying to tell Ramona that a woman is trying to get with Mario. Of course this is making Ramona twitch, blink, bug out her eyes, and shift herself all over her chair all whilst trying to convince everyone that she must be talking about her daughter as “the other woman.” Creeptastic! At one point she starts telling the psychic that she runs multiple businesses. She’s like, “LuAnn, tell her I run multiple businesses.” Bravo, Ramona, bravo. Even at a time like this she’s doing a full court press on her sales cycle. The odd part is that Sonja is taking this news the absolute worst. She’s literally crying. What a gong show. Everyone is trying to say that Sonja is either still having a hard time with her divorce or is really sad for Ramona. I’m sorry, is there a hidden option “C” which is, of course, “She’s 3 sheets to the wind and is experiencing beer tears.” Seriously, I’m sure she couldn’t give two Shasta McNasties about this news. She’d probably cry if the psychic told her that that they were bringing Empty Nest back to television only to cancel it again.

Once all the crazies disperse from the psychic reading, Ramona is talking to that one random chick at the party with the gray bangs telling her how LuAnn made a pass at Mario the first time she met him and basically told him that he could “do sex” with her if he wanted. Hey LuAnn, how’s ya skeletons? Meanwhile, Jill is yenta’ing it up and through the magic of subtitles we learn that people in “her crowd” tell her that Mario is, indeed, having an affair. That’s sweet of everyone to spill the means (I meant “beans”…typo, but I’m keeping it) while liquored up, mic’d up, and on camera. Sonja tries to comfort Ramona in her time of need by saying loving statements like, “Oh my God what if Mario leaves you after your daughter goes to college!?” She said it in the same way you would scream, “Run! The F’n house is on fire!” Good to see that Sonja isn’t experiencing any form of a drunken breakdown right before our very eyes. Ramona is nice enough to send a loving jab back to Sonja by saying, “Your husband was 70. My husband is my age. You married for money and I married for love.” Now would be the perfect time for Jill to just shout out, “You were spread-eagle in the hallway of your husbands hotel!” In fact, I think everyone should just shout that out at the most inappropriate time in front of a group of people and just see what happens. I, my friends, will practice this over the weekend.

The “next day” everyone is getting ready to head on out to the market. There are only two problems. First, everyone pretty much is succumbing to the idea of getting raped in an open air market. Second, for the next 10 minutes we’re all forced to listen to a fight about Sonja saving LuAnn a seat next to her in the minivan while LuAnn goes to drain her lizard. Apparently Cindy has had enough of Sonja’s pecking order and, like a modern day Rosa Parks, demands (I said demands!) to sit where LuAnn’s Solid Gold backup dancer purse is currently occupying. As soon as Cindy starts to mouth off in the minivan people start to disperse out of the van like it’s a clown car. And what’s even worse is the fact that I’m actually taking the time to think about the situation and side with Sonja since LuAnn did, in fact, ask her to please hold her seat for her while she pissed out the profits from Money Can’t Buy You Class. I hope each time LuAnn is done peeing, when she shakes her penis over the toilet she says, “Oh yeah!” or “My friend!” each and every time. I’m sure she says something and, well, that’s all that matters.

The fight about assigned seating continues in the open air market. For those of you questioning why other countries are willing to come to America and try to set their own nuts on fire whilst flying here to kill and terrorize as many Americans as possible, well, wonder no more! At this point I’d rather listen to Camile and Kyle fight about who said what about Kelsey not going to Hawaii for Christ sakes! Sorry Christ, didn’t mean to bring you into this. You have more important things to do. Anyway, while Sonja is literally terrified because she thinks she’s going to get a standard Rape-N-Rob whilst at the market, Jill has a strategy all of her own. You see, she’s wearing a legit fanny pack around her waist with her Hanes Husky t-shirt over it and, well, her face alone with keep the rapists at bay. Hey-oh! Oh, and something tells me that in her genuine leather fanny pack she has a few mints with lint on them, 2 troll dolls with rainbow colored hair, 3 clip on koala bears from Australia (sniff…sniff…that b*tch!), and two plastic containers of (you guessed it) some potato latkes.

After two days of fighting the “ladies” are ready for my favorite part of the entire crapisode/season: The camel rides! What joy this brought to my life. And I’m not kidding. Everyone except Sonja is going to ride a camel. Apparently she’s still shaken up from when she fell off the horse at Kelly’s. Clearly Alex has no idea what the desert is or what camels are because she’s literally dressed like she’s ready to train elephants at the circus. I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a traditional mans tie as well. Jill is dressed like Princess Jasmine, you know, if Princess Jasmine was from Queens. And then, well, then there’s LuAnn. She chooses the camel that goes all 6’s and 7’s about 5 minutes into the ride. Whilst the sun is setting in the desert her camel starts giving us traditional Ramona eyes and body jerks and is throwing LuAnn all around. She’s literally shouting “Whoa. Hey! Whoa! Ohhh!” No joke, I was waiting for her to be like, “Are you ready to rock-n-roll? My name’s LuAnn, as you know!” and then bust out into “Money Can’t Buy You Class” all while some tricky little Asian is throwing gang signs in the background. Damn it I loved that episode. Anytoe, the camel is going nuts and LuAnn is trying to take a moment to compose herself but the camel still keeps going to town. I’m pretty sure of 2 things. 1. The camel was trying to knock the “Countess” title off of LuAnn, physically. 2. LuAnn has a busted hymen. That’s just a fact. I’m not saying it’s because of the camel. I’m just saying it. And I feel better doing so.

LuAnn has to finally end up getting off the camel because it has Tourettes. They should have shot it right there in the desert. What the hell do I care? Meanwhile, Ramona’s camel probably had Pinto Grigio in two of its humps. Haha humps. And Jill was asking the dumbest questions to the tour guide like, “Is this the Sahara Desert?” and “Can camels hop?” I would have been like, “yes and yes.” Then I would have immediately taken a plane to NYC and slapped Gloria in the mouth. And she knows why.

At the end of their cameltoe riding ceremony, LuAnn had a surprise for them which was a white tent in the middle of the desert. Great. How are they going to get back? I mean, I read the Alchemist and, well, someone’s getting killed for sure. They’re all sitting around the table playing a wonderful game of “I bet you didn’t know this about me.” What fun. Everyone is stupid. Sonja goes on and on for about 10 minutes that no one knows that she takes baths and does yoga. Fail. Then everyone gives Alex crap for telling everyone that her dad had Alzheimer’s and died when she was 11 years old. They’re like, way to bring down the party. Oh, I’m sorry did a conversation of meaning bother any of you? No, no, really, let’s get back to Bobby’s feet please! Trash bags. Cindy is ready to shoot the place up because everyone is talking over everyone else and she can’t take another second of it. I can’t take her constant head bobbing, but you don’t hear me complaining do you? Oh, wait. And Sonja really needs to cool it during her one on one interviews about her worldly travels. This time around she’s telling us that she was asked to come to the Saudi Arabian Palace during the first war the US had with them for some reason. Yeah, they just wanted to shoot you on sand, Sonja, not have tea. There’s a difference.

The rest of the episode is pretty pointless until the fight between Ramona and Jill takes place. I mean, sure, we got to experience Ramona and Sonja having a case of projectile explosive diarrhea before they went to the Turkish bath but, come on, how many sh*t jokes can we really make? 10? 34? Who can keep up? I’m not sure why the two of them would decide to wear all white after basically pissing out of their a** all morning, but who am I to judge? I don’t know if I would be in the same pool as Ramona and her skidmarks, but maybe that’s the kind of thing that doesn’t bother you. The Countess must have an etiquette rule about diarrhea and swimming and the like in her book. Someone read it to me?

In the end Jill and Ramona have a very highly produced and set up scene where they’re going to discuss the issues that they each have with each other and they’re going to do it in full hair and makeup and with lighting that is just appropriate enough for women their age. Honestly, I can’t even imagine trying to have a legit argument with Ramona. I don’t even think it’s even humanly possible. I think her brain can’t process it. I thought this “fight” was going to be good, but all they really end up doing is talking about that dumb wedding from the first crapisode and, once again, are bringing up the fight with Betheny and Ramona kicking Jill and Bobby off scary island from last season. Yawneroo! I thought Jill was going to bring up Ramona’s drinking, but no dice. I have to admit that Ramona was staying pretty calm and cool and Jill was getting all loud, negative, and nasty. The “fight” really goes nowhere and Jill is blaming Ramona for Betheny and Jill not being able to make up. Jill ends up leaving the room and Ramona falls on the bed and starts doing some awkward shaking cry all whilst posing like she was one of Barker’s Beauties. Jill, on the other hand, is saying that she needs to call Bobby because she thinks she’s having a heart attack. I think that’s code word for, “I’m getting face work done once we wrap this season.”

Real Housewives of New York City: No Wire Hangers…EVER!

Similar to these middle-aged women (woman) on a trip overseas I too was traveling last night, so I shall be recapping this from memory without the luxuries of things like my DVR or a keg. Let’s see how this goes.

Let’s just call it like it is. I have no idea where in the holy hell Morocco is. I first assumed it was left of Texas, but now I’m thinking it’s not in the continental United States. I knew I should have paid more attention during Social Studies, but I couldn’t make it past the chapters about Harriet Tubman. Needless to say, everyone is going to this fictitious place called Morocco. If you ever wanted to know what it would have been like if Bravo was in charge of an Aladdin remake well wonder no more. Jill, of course, would be Abu. Anylatkes, the women are flying over in shifts because even the airlines don’t want to deal with them all at once. And you totally know that when Jill made it through customs and they stamped her passport she gave them one of those matted down clip on koala bears and, of course, a plastic container of potato latkes.

Why is LuAnn all about Morocco? If you’re like me your best guess is that her song “Money Can’t Buy You Class” must have gone triple platinum over there and she’s probably touring adobe huts on the weekends. And how is she already in traditional Moroccan garb? More importantly, where is Sad Ross? You’d think that it would be the perfect opportunity to hunt down Marcel. The place they’re staying at, I believe, is the same place that Brad Pitt stayed at…according to LuAnn. Really? Was it just me or did it kinda look like the apartment complex that Danielson and his mother lived in during Karate Kid, except painted pink and yellow? I didn’t think it looked that extravagant but then again what do I know, I thought money could indeed buy you class.

Finally the fun is about to begin because “the blonds” are now on the plane and heading over to meet up with the dark haired women.  As if I couldn’t love Ramona any more than I do she is totally freaked out about where she is going.  In a close second is Sonja who pretty much thinks she’s going to get gang raped from the moment she gets off the plane to the moment she gets back on.  Oh and Alex is there too.  Looks like she’ll have to find a little more than just “her voice” to get some more camera time.  And, as she is the “professional model” she is the most likely to get diddled by the locals.  I’m sure they’ve never seen a real live model before and they won’t be able to keep their dingleberry in their pants.

Since she’s such a good planner, Ramona has already sent her list of demands over to the staff which includes bottles of Pinot Creepio, 600 thread count sheets, hangers, someone to unpack for her, and 2lb dumbbells.  That all makes sense.  At first I thought, “hangers?” as something trivial but we’ll all soon realize just how important these hangers are.  After making fun of everything they’re seeing on the mini-van ride over to “the estate” and completely stereotyping every single person on the side of the road (although in their defense I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just a stereotype)  they finally have arrived.  Sonja, however, is terrified that someone is going to steal her luggage as soon as they walk into the house.  In fact, she actually leaves the house to go back and make sure the luggage is still there and that the van driver knows that she’s watching him.  Also, Sonja is broke right?  So she can drop the act that she stays in palaces all around the world.

As soon as Ramona, Sonja, and Alex make it inside the house they want to unpack and by “they” I mean “the staff.”  At first I was wondering why Ramona required assistance for this, but then after I saw that she packed about 7 suitcases I understood…as  she actually had one suitcase not only filled with her cheap jewelry, but she even brought jewelry stands so she could display it all on her nightstand.  Not for nothing but “the maid” looked like she was about to punch Ramona in her overly Botox’d neck.  And then…it happens.  Cindy makes it into the house and noticed that her…wait for it….wait for it…hangers are missing.  She wants to know who “stole” her hangers and thinks that Ramona and her clan is responsible.  Cindy passive aggressively takes some jabs at Ramona and Sonja about this and as soon as she walks down about 2 steps they start talking trash about Cindy.  I mean, in their defense they did wait until she turned around.  It’s not like she was looking at them when they were saying she was just trying to start trouble.  They have class and manors and are ladies of leisure. Plus, who would steal stuff in Morocco?  I heard if you steal an apple from the “open air” market they’ll cut your hand off.  Riff-raff, street rat, I don’t buy that.  Just a little scrap guys….

Meanwhile, outside the rest of the girls are now discussing Sonja’s finances and to my surprise this discussion was initiated by Kelly.  Finally, she’s interesting again!  Kelly is saying that Sonja’s apartment is actually her ex-husbands and is dirty and disorganized every time she’s over there.  How come no one is mentioning that Sonja only now wears yoga clothes when she’s out?  I think that signals more of a poverty situation than a dirty mansion.  The  next time they show her place I’ll be sure to pause it and look for the puffy leather couch.  Oh, and LuAnn looks so mortified that Kelly is discussing Sonja’s finances that she can barely even speak French right now!

Then things get a little creepy…or should I say creepier?  Ramona and Sonja decide to not meet the rest of the girls for lunch because they say they’re tired so they’re going to go for a ride instead.  Huh?  At one point Ramona actually says to LuAnn that she thinks the movement of the car will help her fall asleep.  Who the hell is going to be driving?!  And they don’t even end up showing what in the hell Ramona and Sonja did during their private adventure.  Were cameras not there?  Let’s all just assume they were going on a coke run.  I’m surprised LuAnn didn’t want to go (insert awkward sideways winky face here).

I honestly have no idea what’s going on right now.  The rest of the girls go  to some market-type-place where they go into some form of a Moroccan Zarin Fabrics place and run into Jill’s friend Brad who’s having a birthday party that night and is inviting them all to go.  Seriously, are they even in Morocco or just on some sound-stage in NYC?  Once they get back to the house Ramona and Sonja are already there, trashed, and running around in bathrobes with curlers in their hair.  Was I actually watching this or dreaming it?  At one point while they’re getting dressed, Sonja asks Ramona if she has any extra “feminine hygiene” products to which Ramona responds by asking her if she wants to borrow any shoes.  Yes, that’s exactly what she’s requesting.  A shoe for her gentlemen greeter.

I know all of “the America” is probably hanging their head in shame over Ramona’s behavior, but I have to admit that ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  I’m making it a new goal of mine to travel to a foreign country with Ramona.  Chalk it up on my Fucket List.  Ramona’s drunken antics get worse (or better in my case) when LuAnn brings a surprise guest to the house which is allegedly the most famous fashion designer in all of Morocco.  How nice.  Why do I have a feeling that if you own a sewing machine you actually become the most famous fashion designer in all of Morocco by default?  Anypinot, he’s there to make them caftans like they sell to white trash women in the Harriet Carter Catalog and Ramona, of course, is telling the designer exactly how she wants hers to look.  Apparently she wants to show a little cleavage in her caftan.  I think I speak for everyone when I say “yes please!”  I think Ramona should then model the caftan by walking down a mock runway like she’s possessed by the devil and her eyes are trying to escape from their respective sockets.

In the end, all the girls make it to Brad’s party which is actually at a bed-and-breakfast and not his own personal house like he made everyone believe.  Either way, everyone is having a nice time, including Jill who is draped in snakes.  Did anyone else notice that in some of Jill’s one on one interviews towards the end of this episode consisted of her  with her new face and hair slicked back?  My guess is that they filmed some of these interview more recently and after the editing machine went to town on this season.  Oh, and Sonja is about 16 sheets to the wind at this point.  I’m adding her to my Fucket List as well.  “Knocking off a 30 pack with Sonja Morgan.”  Brad ends up having a fortune teller come to the party but “her” face is covered by black silk so my guess is that it’s really just Andy Cohen in disguise.  The fortune teller needs a translator and so it’s LuAnn and Kelly to the rescue because they speak French.  Once again, huh?  Clearly I know nothing about what goes on in the world outside my NYC apartment.  When it’s finally Ramona’s turn the fortune teller tells her basically that her husband is cheating on her.  This news is so alarming that Kelly needs to leave the room and won’t tell Ramona what the fortune teller just said.  LuAnn, of course, has no problem breaking the news to Ramona.  And this is where we experience the “Who’s the Boss?” dramatic “…to be continued…”

Overall the episode was decent, but mainly because Ramona and Sonja were drunk the whole time and thank God for that because if not we’ would have been be stuck watching 60 minutes of LuAnn instructing us how a hostess takes care of her guests.  Once again, if Ramona quits drinking I quit life.

Real Housewives of New York City: A Drunk Ramona is a Fun Ramona

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So who in Morocco is LuAnn banging that she is trying to convince everyone and their mother to go on this trip?  I love how on these shows they make it seem like they’re just randomly discussing ideas for fun trips they can take and then all of a sudden they’re on a plane 2 days later.  These are scenarios that I ponder on the regular because I am sans life.  Other things I’m trying to figure out is if Sonja actually owns nice clothes because I’m pretty sure in every episode and every scene this entire season she always is apologizing for being in yoga clothes or gym clothes while she’s meeting someone at a restaurant for lunch and the like.  It’s like you don’t have a job to go to during the day, plan better.

I also need to have a sidenote and admit that I can’t look at Sonja anymore without laughing and thinking about when she was complaining during her one on one interview that Cindy couldn’t go to lunch because her teeth were all jacked up and then she says, “I have a friend who had all her teeth worked on and she can still take steak.”  Seriously, what does that even mean?  All I know is that after having a full on conversation with my brilliant sister about this we will now being using “take steak” on the regular when trying to describe something being “good enough.”  Example:  It’s been raining for the past four days, how’s the weather where you are?  Then the other person answers, “Eh, it’s ok. I mean, it can take steak.”  See how that works?  Moving on.

After LuAnn de Levorced calls all of her friends (oh yeah!) to invite them to Morocco everyone is all in, except Kelly who is still thinking about it.  Me gusta how LuAnn had her book conveniently placed directly in front of the phone whilst she made her calls.  Seriously?  No one wants to buy it or read it.  I mean, if someone wanted tips on being gap toothed or wearing extra large aqua blue necklaces 7 days a week then I guess her book could clear some things up.  My favorite response, however, was from Ramona who is freaking the F out because she’s going to a Third World country and loves her family and is afraid she’ll never return again.  Really?  You think kidnappers from another country wouldn’t be sick of you in under 25 minutes?  At that point they’re basically just borrowing you, not kidnapping.  There’s a difference.

In “Scenes That Are Set Up” news, LuAnn and Ramona end up having lunch so that LuAnn can try to get some camera time and talk about things not related to: The French, the Suez Canal, Sad Ross, and Wine.  So, she decides to awkwardly call out Ramona for getting into a fight with Jill at the Ramona Pinot Creepio party.  Per usual, Ramona starts spitting and squinting and moving all over her chair whilst trying to get her point across, repeating the last thing she says two times, and doing it all while keeping her eyes closed and looking up.   And then…it happens.  Those friggin koala bears from Australia appear.  I mean, it’s like the cursed Tiki on the Brady Bunch.  Every time I see the koala bear clips I’m waiting for that Brady Bunch Hawaii music to play…Do Do Dooooo! Alas, it doesn’t but LuAnn slides the koala bear face down across the table on what I can only assume is a cigarette box.  She barely will even touch it as let’s all assume she thinks that her fingers will burn from the cheap fur-like material.  Do Do Dooooooo!

Later as if things can’t go more 6’s and 7’s, it’s photo shoot day for Sonja.  Why is Sonja involved in a photo shoot you ask?  Why because she has a new cookbook that hasn’t been written yet about toaster oven recipes.  Because at the end of the day I definitely need a book to tell me to “press 4″ to make a bagel.  And the sad part is that there are people in this country who will line up around the block to get Sonja to sign one of her books and, well, you know what part of the country I’m talking about and, well, you know who you are.  Also, I may line up as well.   See you there.  Anybeav, for the cover shot Sonja is wearing a gown circa 1985 as if she were an extra on Dynasty.  Luckily her toaster oven isn’t anywhere in sight, but her beaver cleaver is.  That’s right folks, for those of you who are keeping track at home this is officially week 2 of Sonja forgetting to wear underpants!  And, as she’s basically spread-eagle in the lobby of your husband’s hotel on her dining room table, in walks Kelly to give some helpful advice for the photo shoot.  Suddenly…BAM “gentlemen greeter” right in Kelly’s eye.  Was it just me or did Kelly have an odd reaction to catching a glimpse of the old rusty toaster oven?  Apparently, we learn later, she’s never seen one in real life before except her own and that was probably just recently when she was trying to get sand out of it after making sand-angles on the beach whilst chatting with Sonja.  And enough with these pointless books.  You totally know one day LuAnn’s book and Sonja’s book are going to be required “summer reading” in some Third World middle school.  Get your pause button ready as we’re likely to see it next week in Morocco.

Things get a little serious when Cindy, Jill, LuAnn, and Kelly are all in some van going on some weekend trip that Cindy planned for them and Kelly admits to LuAnn that she was involved in a little Ike and AnnaMae situation in the past.  As LuAnn and Kelly embrace and cry I, of course, have secondhand embarrassment, almost lapse into a coma after closing the laptop on my nuts repeatedly, and then start to try and figure out what the hell Jill and Cindy are whispering about in the back of the van as all of this takes place.  Anyslaps, perhaps all those times that Kelly was literally running in traffic was more of a cry for help than an exercise regime?  One may never know.

Vagina-Gate 2011 continues and while on their creepy all girls cabin trip, that includes 5 minutes of them playing the drums in a large circle of strangers whilst telling something that they think people don’t know about themselves, Kelly continues to talk to all the girls about Sonja’s Moroccan Muff from the previous night.  She is so weirded out by it that even during her one on one interviews she legit can’t say “vagina” without stuttering.  At one point Cindy chimes in to the story and references the Vagina Monologues, but instead calls them the Vagina Monocles.  I mean LuAnn just about thought that was the funniest thing she’s ever heard since Egypt gave the Count a low-ball offer on the Suez Canal.  I thought it was kind of funny, but LuAnn is doubled over laughing.  This makes me sick as I can only imagine the laughs that Sad Ross must get while those two are having private time.

While all this is going on Ramona, Sonja, and Alex are at Ramona’s plastic surgeon (that appears in every season…you know Ramona is getting her  work comped since the doctor is getting free advertising) to get their necks shot up with Botox and so that Sonja can get her pooch re-flattened.  She should have turned over and had that machine take a couple of swipes at her ass.  I mean, my eyes are still recovering from the bleach I poured in them last week after having to witness Sonja bend over without underpants.  Even Alex is getting a facial since she really has to take care of herself more now that she’s a real live model!  This show is F’n stupid.  Also, I love it.

I honestly think I must have blacked out like Ramona on a Tuesday afternoon because I’m really drawing a blank on anything else that happened except the 25 minutes at the Anti-Bullying charity event.  Maybe that is all that really happened?  Who knows.  Pass the Pinot.

Jill having an Anti-Bullying charity event is like me having an IBBB Stop Teen Girls From Getting Pregnant and Getting on Reality Shows charity event.  First off, that title would never fit on a t-shirt and second of all…well, that’s it really.  At this event Jill is making sure that everyone who comes (giggity) gets gift bags filled with expensive worldly gifts cheap crap that all the Housewives are trying to push on the American public.  These items include LuAnn’s CD that she’s donated as well as pens that Jill has that says the name of her book.  You know what I would use those two things for?  I’d take the CD out and place it directly over my eye so that the hole of the CD is in front of my cornea.  Then I would take one of Jill’s pens and stab it through my eye until the drops of blood on the floor spelled out “Money Can’t Buy You Class” because that’s how I roll.  Jealous?

Not to be outdone at 11am, in walks Ramona with a legit case of Pinot Creepio that she basically plans on drinking all herself.  What’s the big deal?  She’s on television.  Every day is a party!  LuAnn decides to confront Ramona, again, about her issue with Jill and something completely out of left field that has something to do with Ramona telling a designer to not allow LuAnn to wear her designs.  I’m sorry who what when where and why?  Also, sometimes Y?  I wasn’t following that.  Next thing you know, LuAnn is telling Alex and Ramona that while she was away with the rest of the girls none of them want to go to dumb Morocco because of Ramona.  After Ramona tosses out a few obligatory “Darlings” to mock the Countess, she decides to kind of walk away from the situation (most likely to get a refill).  Alex, to no surprise, is calling out LuAnn for bringing the drama to an otherwise calm event.  LuAnn really is kinda being a big B.I (as Ramona lovingly coined) and, just like the old Jill, the new Jill is all pissed off because Ramona brought a case of wine to the event…to drink…and not to auction off.  Who cares.  Just let me know what you think of the latkes (it’s. never. not. funny. to me.)

In the end, Jill’s stepdaughter Jen, gives a speech about how she was a victim of bullying when she was little because she has a large birthmark on her face and the kids used to tease her.  That sucks.  Kids are so mean…as are adults on reality shows.  Anyway, as this chick is telling her story, Ramona is having a party with herself and drinking wine like she’s at the Last Supper and has to carry a wooden cross throughout the town the next day (was that too much…sometimes I’m never sure).  She is, legit, trashed, and everyone is pretending they’re concerned for her.  Please, let her drink.  I mean you wouldn’t tell a volunteer to stop giving so much of their time, would you?  Same thing.  I think.  Either way, bottoms up trashbags.  And you could totally tell that Ramona was busted on trying to sneak one last drink when Jill walked in on her and she pretended she was so moved by the speech Jill’s stepdaughter gave.  Is it bad that I identified with Ramona trying to pretend she wasn’t trashed by herself at that point?  Ruh-roh.  I mean, I didn’t think she was that drunk.  She looked like she could take steak to me.

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Real Housewives of NYC: With Special Guest Appearance from the Bruise on Sonja’s Ass

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Time for another crapisode of the Real Housewives of New York City. And if it’s time for another episode it must be time for some more “modeling exposure” for Ramona. I’m not going to lie, I could watch Ramona walk down a runway or “pose” during a photo shoot all the live-long day. Well, that’s partially a lie as I usually work on the railroad all the live-long day, but in the non-railroad working portions of my life, I’d watch Ramona model.

Ramona thinks that if people are buying her products they’re going to want to see pictures of her on them so she’s trying to to a typical Tyra Banks smize, but it seldom works out. Each freeze-frame is more brilliant than the next as Ramona permanently has the expression of someone who has just witnessed a nun flashing them their breasts. Yeah, so, like that. And she gets pissed when she sees the pictures of her eyes all bugged out. Are you kidding me? I’m not joking, I would spend upwards of $1000 on Ramona Creepio wine if the label on each bottle was just her crazy eyes…and I wouldn’t even drink any of it, I’d just line them up all around my apartment so that Ramona’s eyes were following me just like my sister’s Michael Jackson Thriller poster did circa 1985 (you know, when I was negative 5 years old?). Luckily Sonja has walked on set to help calm Ramona and talk complete nonsense the entire time. I think it’s a personal goal that Sonja has, which is to be in as many scenes as she possible can. She should have a judge from Guiness with her at all times holding a stop watch and taking copious notes.

I also love how this season Jill “Fievel Mousekewitz” Zarin is trying her hardest not too look like a big b*tch on camera. She’s really committing to her role of “not horrible.” For some inexplicable reason Cindy invites Jill over to her home so that she can sit on top of the middle of her counter and look down on Jill whilst she eats. The second Jill walks into her apartment she doesn’t even look Cindy in the eye, but quickly takes a survey of everything inside. I’m sure she was scouting for clip-on Koala bears and if she had any potato latkes laying around (let me know what you think of the latkes). I have to admit that I do like how Jill called out (during her one on one interview) how Cindy is tired from having two babies and has to hear the nannies getting up in the middle of the night to tend to the crying children. Oh Fievel, sometimes you speak fits of truth. Meanwhile, Cindy must have borrowed Alex’s balls this episode because she’s quickly talking smack about our poor little Ramona and how she “has a bad core.” Jill is just about to squeal with delight over the negative spotlight shining over someone else who isn’t her for a change. She keeps looking off to the producers and the camera man like, “You’re getting this, right?” But in typical Jill fashion she yetta’s it up by planting the seeds to Cindy on how no one ever tells Ramona what they really think of her, but if she were to start telling other people her thoughts on Ramona than Jill suspects that other people will join in on the Ramona hate too. To quote Kelly Bensimone from the RHONYC Reunion Episode 3 of 3, “It’s called systematic bullying.” And like Bobby Zarin, Jill’s jealously rears its ugly head.

I wonder if damn Francois is playing that God damn piano? Moving on.

Later Jill and LuAnn head off to the costume shop to look for flammable clothes to wear for a costume party that Sonja is throwing for the cameras no reason at all.  I’ve decided that if LuAnn isn’t singing she’s basically pointless.  She’s trying on costumes and yelling out lines from movies.  For example, she tries on a red dress and Jill awkwardly says, “Oh Scarlett” to which LuAnn responds back in a French/British accent, “Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn.”  Bravo, stupid.  It’s like just sing us Chic C’est La Vie and get on with it.  And minutes later Jill is trying to pour herself into some crapbag dress and she’s constantly trying to adjust her new smaller boobs.  Come on Jill.  Really.  If I wanted to see middle-aged women with their saggy boobs flopping around I’d put on Dancing With the Stars.  Hey-oh!  I don’t even know what that means!

Since this is Sonja’s party she doesn’t want to be outdone by any of her guests so she invites over some fat dude who made it into the finals on some fashion reality show and see if he can glue other wigs to her wig.  At least I think that’s what was going on.  All I know is that she wants to wear some costume that she has that looks like she got on sale at iParty on November 1st and barely will cover her gentlemen greeter.  Oh, and she keeps trying to convince us that she has all these assistants.  There is that dude again who brings her tea when she calls for him and apparently he also gets her mail and picks up her dresses for her when she needs him to because, you know, opening up the mail is clearly a full-time job…especially if Sonja is as broke as I’m reading she is…then I’m sure the “final notice” letters she’s receiving are certainly piling up.

I forgot to mention that we get to meet the baby-daddy of Cindy’s twins.  Creeptastic.  There is something weird between him and Cindy’s brother.  I’m sure they’re all related.  And, not for nothing, I know I don’t have kids but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to let newborns hang upside down.  Eh, what do I know?

Well it’s finally time for the party and guess who forgot to put on her underpants?  Sonja.  Go figure.  Like I say each week Sonja knows what she’s doing and is completely producing all of her own scenes down to every last line and reaction.  This time around she’s bringing her niece who may or may not be Megan McCain.  I’m thinking “may.”  Sadly, LuAnn can’t make the party because she’s feeling under the weather.  I’m sure Sad Ross is really on the brink of throwing himself off the Statue of Liberty and she just wants to get banged within an inch of her life.  The party must go on, however, and it does.

The creepy fiesta is held at Sonja’s favorite place Cipriani in what I can only assume is the back room or the coat closet.  And the costumes all suck, except for Alex’s costume and let’s just assume that she sold one of her brats to pay for it.  Although maybe her Barbizon money is finally starting to come in.  One may never know.  Jill looks like Lois Griffin from one of the “Medieval Times” episodes.  Kelly just hot-glue-gunned vagina sparkles all over her eyes and Ramona and Mario just wore formal dinner outfits with masks.  Way to go all out.  Jill is pissed over how small the place was, how bad the costumes were, and how there was hardly any food, but plenty of booze.  Why doesn’t Jill drink?  She totally should.  I think it would make her more likable and even prettier.  Just me?

The highlight, of course, of the party was when Sonja kept bending over with her entire ass hanging out and yelling, “I forgot half my costume!”  Scratch that (literally). I think the highlight of all of that was when she bent over and we could all see the giant purple bruise on her ass.  Perfect.  Why do I have visions of Sonja standing naked in front of a mirror sideways crying, punching herself in the ass, and screaming “You’re nothing but a poor b*tch” over and over again?

The “next day”  Cindy brings Jill with her to get new teeth.  Yes, my friends, this something you being a pal along for.  I guess Cindy wasn’t sure what kind of teeth she wanted and Jill was able to provide her with many examples of how many teeth she should have in her mouth.  She’s good like that.  At one point the dentist said something along the lines of “If you do it like that you’ll look horsier.”  He didn’t say you will look like a horse, he said that you’ll look horsier meaning even more like a horse.  I have to say, this dentists style of humor is right up my blackened heart alley.  Personally I think everyone should get teeth work done.  If you can’t afford braces just take a hammer to your mouth and get fakes ones.  We don’t need to live in a world where snaggle tooth still exists.  I believe Mother Theresa said that whilst on the streets of Calcutta.

The remainder of the episode took a cue from the RHOBH where Kyle and Camille got into some fight over something that Kyle apparently said to Camille but the cameras never caught.  So to put an NYC spin on it, apparently at that wicked random wedding that they all went to at the beginning of the season Jill lashed out at the bride and asked her why she invited Simon and Alex and then started talking crap to the bride about Ramona.  However, none of this was captured on camera even though there was a camera crew at the wedding.  It’s like The Hills Script & Editing machine is in full effect.  That random bride ended up spilling the scripted beans to Ramona at her self promotion wine event and Ramona loses her mind.   I also feel like they’re setting this season up to make us think that Ramona is a big wino.  And you know what?  I’d be fine with that as I wouldn’t want to purchase my wine from anyone who doesn’t puke it up at the end of the night.

Once Jill arrives to the mid-day wine party, Ramona is a few glasses deep (and has already answered LuAnn’s 50,000 questions on how she made the wine, where the wine is made, blah blah blah, money can’t buy you class my friend, money can’t buy you class oh yeah!) and decides to pull Jill aside to confront her about what happened at the wedding.  Jill, per usual, gets defensive and denies that she ever said anything to the bride at the wedding.  Then she kinda snaps, tells Ramona that she has no class (LuAnn would agree in song form), and storms out of the wine party.  She ends up then confronting the bride about what happened and then makes her way back inside to let Ramona know that she already took care of the issue with the bride.  Over more arguing, they decide to possibly set up a lunch date to discuss the issues that they have with each other over the past 3 years.  Seriously, if any of this ends with Ramona giving up drinking I’m going to be pissed off and will probably shut this here blog down.

In the end, Jill is in the limo crying to LuAnn over what Ramona did to her and then the best thing that could ever happen in the history of the world happened.  Whilst Jill is crying and saying she’ll never be friends with Ramona again she opens up her purse and says to LuAnn (while crying, mind you), “Here and then next time you see Ramona give these to her!”  And it was the clip-on Koala bears that Jill brought back from Australia.  I mean, not only can you not make this sh*t up, but you can’t end the episode any better way than that! Ba da ba ba ba, I’m living it!

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Real Housewives of NYC: The One with All the Awkward Parties

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Grab your Fivel Moskewitz doll and your copy of the Country Mouse and the City Mouse because Jill Zarin is back, ladies and gentlemen (greeters).  She looks fresh and alive status quo after her big trip down under in the land of Australia.  I assumed once we saw her she would have a store-bought new face, but sadly she doesn’t.  I also have to come clean that over the past month or two I’ve run into Z-Dog in NYC and should admit that she does look better with her new face.  I didn’t realize how much better she looks now until I just saw her on the screen.  Anyinjectables, Jill meets up with the rest of the ladies of leisure to have some lunch and immediately start talking crap about Ramona.  But first, gifts!

Rich Jill bought gifts for all of the girls.  My money was on some expensive jewelry, but I was wrong.  She bought them little tiny clip-on koala bears wearing colored vests because, you know, she saved up her allowance all summer long and finally had enough!  And you totally know she didn’t buy those in Australia as they sell them right next to the food court at JFK.  LuAnn looks like she was ready to clip hers to Jill’s nose and Sonja looked like she was about to swipe two more koalas, clip one to each “hooo heee hoooo heee” and then the third one to her “rooooar!”  I have no idea what any of the means, but I was basically going for “boobs” and “crotch.”  Was that not clear?

The lunch would have been a nap since LuAnn was just basically recapping to Jill the last two episodes, but suddenly things get interesting thanks to Sonja.  Kelly is planning on having lunch with Ramona and wants to practice how that conversation will go.  Sonja plays the role of Ramona and, at first, I started giving my TV the side-eye, but then I realized that Sonja was totally nailing Ramona (not literally).  No joke, she had her impression down to a science including the repeating of the last thing she says at the end of her sentence.  Up until this point my sister was the only person I knew to actually nail the impression.  Sonja will give her a run for her money (can’t buy you class, oh yeah!).  As a sidenote, that would be my Wheel of Fortune “Before & After” puzzle if I could come up with one:  Give Her a Run for Her Money Can’t Buy You Class (say it slowly and pause between each word like the contestants do when they solve the puzzle).  Try it again:  Give Her a Run for Her Money Can’t Buy You Class!  See?  There we go.

Meanwhile, all the hell way over in Brooklyn it’s Francois’ birthday so they surprise him with a piano and an alleged registered sex offender playing it.  I’m sure he’ll be tickling more than the ivories once the cameras are down.  Alex and Simon are making it seem like this is the best gift ever and that Francois loves it, but I’m pretty sure of two things (1) they rented it for the show and (2) Francois will spend more time licking it than playing it.  How old is he anyway?  Pick up a truck.

I’m guessing we’re at the point now where people are just meeting for drinks to spark up some controversy, film for 10 minutes, and then go home.  This time around, Sonja invites Cindy over for “tea” so that she can call her out on spilling the scripted beans to Kelly about Sonja’s plan to get her and Ramona together at the Toaster Oven Party from Hell (that no one has…ever).  I admit that me gusta some Sonja, but my only issue with her this season is that it’s like she’s producing her own scenes at this point.  You know when she says things she can actually hear the dramatic music playing in the background.  First off, she gets pissed at Cindy for dancing with her “help” in her living room.  I have no idea what that was all about.  Sonja has some dude who’s a dancer on staff?  For, like, spontaneous Latin dance-off tasks?  Confused.  Then she’s giving Cindy a “talking to” over her not having Pinot Grigio on tap for Ramona when she came all the way over to her birthday party in that city in the Hamptons that I can never remember or spell for that matter.  I’m not kidding, she kept saying that Ramona is a star and you can’t invite Ramona over and not have a filled glass of Pinto Grigio ready for her as soon as she walks in.  The scary part?  She was serious.  And, not for nothing, but if Cindy would say half the stuff she says during her one on one interviews to their actual faces…things could get more interesting.  By the way, Sonja is broke, right?  Or is that just a rumor?  If Money Can’t Buy You Class, can class get you money?  I’m not good with the financials or the numbers.

And if a tea party isn’t awkward enough, buckle up because apparently Ramona is having a party in which she just tries to sell you her junk on the regular.  From jewelry that looks like it rusts to bottle after bottle of Ramona Creepio what more do you really need at a party?  Oh, wait, that’s right you also need an extra creepy sales manager who holds up the jewelry and gives you the kind of smile that suggests there are a few sausage links up her vagola.  Ole!  The only person who really showed up for this high pressure sales party is LuAnn.  That should go over well.  LuAnn looks like homeless women selling watches out of their jacket are trying to talk to her as Ramona shows off her “goods.”  And then she starts grilling Ramona on her wine line to see if she really knew anything about it.  Surprisingly, Ramona knew all about the intimate details of her wine brand.  Go figure.  I mean, sure, she butchered the pronunciation of half the words that were slurring out of her mouth, but what do I care?  LuAnn tried to make it seem like she was filling us all in that just because Ramona drinks a ton of Pinot doesn’t mean she knows anything about it.  Uh, duh.  Of course.  I know that Ramona knows that we know the she knows nothing about making wine.  It’s just funny to have Ramona’s name on a bottle and, well, that’s good enough for me to buy it.  I typically solely buy products based on reality show characters anyway.  I mean, for the love of God I bought JustinBobby.com one night while watching The Hills.  I need electric shock therapy…weekly.

Note for Thought:  Why does everyone on this show say “Pinot Grigio” differently…even when they’re talking to each other about it.

In “For Some Inexplicable Reason” news, Sonja is wearing a short skirt with her hair in pigtails and shooting for some calendar with the FDNY and I can honestly say I have no idea why.  Why do I have a feeling that all the tapes for this show fell into a large pile on the ground and the editors just picked them up at random and put them together?  They’re like, “15 seconds of Sonja with her ass hanging out on a baseball field with the FDNY?  Sure, let’s toss that in here.”  It’s like in season 2 of Full House where everyone just stopped trying.

Later, it’s time to move on to yet another infomercial party and this time Sonja’s hosting!  We finally get to see what a Toaster Oven Party is all about.  Now I’m not sure if you’re all aware of what’s involved, but it consists of a toaster oven and food.  I know, I was stumped too.  This entire episode is basically one long commercial where they’re hawking junk at us ever 3-5 minutes.  Sonja is all nervous because LuAnn has attended this pointless party and feels that she’ll be watching her every move.  And, well, she’s right.  However, the most important question I have is, why does anyone need to cook anything except English Muffins in a toaster oven?  I stopped relying on mine once I left my dorm room circa 1902.  It’s Toaster Ovens today and Hot Plate recipes tomorrow!  I can’t wait to learn how to make Ramen Noodle meatballs and Mac N Cheese stew.  Dumb.

In the end we’re forced to watch back to back heart to hearts (see what I did there) between Jill and Alex and then Ramona and Cindy.  Overall, the talk between Alex and Jill went well and, to be honest, at this point I’m sick to death about hearing about “Alex’s voice” and what “Jill did last year.”  So these two probably assume I’m about to slap a 5150 on myself so they decide to make an amends (as Jill says), write down things they’re angry about and then burn them in the backyard.  Awesome.  Set Francios’ sandbox on fire while you’re at it.  That’ll make him play that damn piano!

However, things between Cindy and Ramona don’t go as well.  Cindy is trying to explain what things bother her about Ramona and Ramona gets all defensive and really starts giving Cindy the crazy eyes.   And then Ramona does that thing that I hate that people do (hate), she says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  Yeah, that’s not an apology.  Just because the word “sorry” is in it doesn’t make it work.  “I’m sorry you feel that way” might as well be “You’re f’n crazy and totally wrong and I’m right, but I’m sorry you feel that way…and you’re wrong…and crazy.”  The two are a t a “standstill” and end up cutting their drinks short, especially after Ramona was rambling on about her wanting to do adult things with her husband while her daughter was away.  Like, sex stuff?  Somewhere in the Upper East Side, Mario is blowing his rape whistle.

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