More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of new york city’

Real Housewives of New York City: Ramona Isn’t So Much Pregnant as Her Vagina Is Basically Out of Business

It’s the last crapisode of the season and I can honestly say I don’t know one thing that actually happened in the last 8 episodes.  Well, Jill got a whole new face, so there’s that.  This final episode of Real Housewives was basically like watching Teen Mom in reverse.  But, before we get to Ramona becoming a mother again at 72 we need to check in with The Countess, ladies and gentlemen!  We’re back in the studio with LuAnn’s alleged Level II sex offender and music producer who is both two old for an albino faux-hawk and for wearing sunglasses indoors at all times.  He’s busy trying to “master” LuAnn’s song and basically fix it so that it doesn’t sound like Vera De Milo, drunk, and at a karaoke bar in Russia.  All of a sudden we get the surprise of a lifetime (oh, read this part again but with a sarcastic overtone) when none other than Natalie Cole walks into the studio!  Can you believe it?  It couldn’t believe it.  I mean, Natalie Cole.  Well, this is the best last episode ever.  I mean, how did they land Natalie Cole especially considering that I thought she had been taking a dirt nap since the Y2K scare of, well, Y2K.  She’s alive, however,  and LuAnn looks like she’s so excited that she’s about to buy coke off of her.  I’m sure when the cameras went down a transaction was discussed.

Natalie Cole claims that she loved Money Can’t Buy You Class and LuAnn was flattered, but then she said that the song was “hysterical” and it was at that moment that I realized that Natalie Cole thinks that LuAnn is like the “Weird Al” of the Housewives franchise.  It was also at that moment that I noticed that Natalie Cole appears to be swallowing her tongue every time she speaks.  After LuAnn invited Natalie to her 1-year anniversary party with Sad Ross, Natalie decides that she will attend and will also sing a song with LuAnn at the party.  What an honor.  To me, this would be just as good as Kim Zolciak singing “I Love Your Smile” with Shanice at Big Papa’s arraignment.

Later, Ramona is having a snoozefest dinner party where she’s already planting the seed that she would possibly like to have another baby because, apparently, she wants to renew her “gentlemen greeter.”  Avery comes home and informs all of us that she too would like Ramona to be “with child” and she can still have a baby because she still gets her period.  Uh, just because you open your Pinto Grigio bottle with your vag and the glass cuts you, doesn’t mean the blood is from “time of the month.”  Either way, Ramona tells everyone that she has such great skin because she still gets her period.  She also has great skin because she shoots up her face with enough fillers to fix the Liberty Bell.  By the way, is that just cracked or is that just an old wives tale?  Or a whale tail?  One may never know.  Meanwhile whilst they’re having dinner, LuAnn calls Alex to invite her to the anniversary party, but Alex can only talk to her for a few quick seconds because she claims she’s at this dinner party with “so many people” there.  Yeah, there’s a ton.  Ramona, Sonja, Mario, Avery.  The people are endless.  She must be counting the boom mic operator, camera crew, and Andy Cohen who is in the corner dry-humping Jill Zarin.

Speaking of Alex and scenes that make me want to deny my US citizenship, it’s time for a photoshoot!  Alex has been hired by the adult version of Highlights Magazine to have her picture taken.  As she’s getting her hair and makeup done she’s awkwardly telling them how bad her face is broken out right now and how she doesn’t think she’s “cool enough” to be in their magazine.  Way to sell yourself.  I know she’s part Native American so I would only assume her Indian name would be “Fishes for Compliments.”  See what I did there?  Did you also see how I still referred to them as “Indian?”  What?  I’m 59 years old, I’m allowed to do that.  Alex continued to do that creepy laugh the whole time.  You know, the one where she sounds like she’s suffocating, hyperventilating, and “in heat” the whole time?  Yeah, that one.  Simon shows up ready to pick up his model of a wife, but she hasn’t even begun the shoot yet so he basically throws a passive aggressive fit, but not before letting us all know that Alex was named to some magazine’s Worst Dressed list.  She was named right after Lady Gaga and Rihanna, so Simon thinks this is an honor.  What a real shame that guy is.  Imagine what his children are going to think of him when they grow up?  I’m sure Francois will one day be telling his father to pick up his dress and grab his balls and act like a damn man for once and stop trying to be a housewife.  Also, get a real job.  Punk. (That was me giving Simon a stern talking to)

In other crazy news, Sonja and Cindy met up at some flower shop so they could, once again, try to find ways to be relevant on this television show.  So, of course, they’re going to still try to run with the storyline of “Cindy being rude at Sonja’s house during breakfast.”  Really?  We’re still trying to make this happen?  The whole time Cindy is sitting there listening to Sonja recapping the entire dramaticless event you could totally read on her face, “What the F am I even doing on this show?”  At one point when Sonja starts “playing all the parts” of each person at the breakfast, Cindy just starts laughing.  It may have been the part when Sonja was telling her that “The Churchill’s” would have never treated her like that.  Then Sonja says, “Or I can’t imagine Lord…” and then she stops.  Lord who?  Like “the” Lord?  Jesus Christ Himself?  Because, if so, I beg to differ.  I totally think the Lord would have taken a business call during Sonja’s white trash breakfast from hell.  But that’s just me.  Cindy ends up storming off on Sonja never to be seen of or heard from again!  So long, man hands!

I’m still not sure if anything has actually happened yet in this episode, but in Ramona’s world it has.  Ramona books it over to Sonja’s apartment looking all shaky and with her boobs standing up to her chin.  It can only mean one thing:  Unattended Pregnant.  Sonja notices that Ramona is a little jumpy and offers her some Pinot, but when Ramona says she can’t drink Sonja immediately guesses that she’s pregnant.  She wouldn’t have guessed rehab first?  She should have held her down, poured the bottle down her throat, and then simply said “No more baby, let’s go out.”  But, alas, she didn’t and they look at Ramona and try to prove that she is pregnant due to her boobs being so big that day.  I believe Ramona referred to them as “her jugs.”  She’s such a classy broad.  Do you think the camera crew is giving them both the side-eye?  I hope so.  I want to live in a world where I assume this happens.

The remainder of the episode, thank God, takes place on LuAnn and Sad Ross’ 1 year anniversary cruise.  LuAnn is trying to convince us that it’s a yacht, but we all know it’s nothing more than harbor booze cruise.  Jill looks like she’s testing for bed bugs and lice as soon as she walks on to the boat.  When LuAnn offers Ramona some wine and Ramona just asks for a water it looks like LuAnn’s head is going to combust.  She can’t even process what just happened. I hope it doesn’t make her forget the words to Chic C’est la Vie.  I mean, it’s like, does Sonja bring the jellybeans?  Who brings the diamonds?!?!  Ramona ends up spilling the scripted beans to Mario about her possibly being “with child” and I have to admit he kinda seems psyched.  As staged as Ramona’s whole pregnancy scare storyline is, Mario’s reaction seemed pretty honest.  Way to pull the rug out from under him, Ramona, when you end up not being pregnant.  Maybe they can adopt Sonja?  Just think of all the dried out overly crunchy meals they can have from her toaster oven?!  Either way, everyone is looking at Mario reacting to this possible news and you know they’re all thinking that he’s trying to bang Sonja.  No one could be more on the edge of her seat wanting to know about what she’s missing out on than Jill.

Ramona and Sonja take their antics to the tiny bathroom so that Ramona can take a pregnancy test.  The bathroom as a brass sign on the door that just says “Head.”  It’s really nice that they label that because, honestly, you shouldn’t have to guess. Jill is fuming because she wants to know so badly what’s going on. Plus, the fact that this whole thing isn’t about Jill really gets her goat.  You can just tell.  For some reason the fact that Ramona and Sonja locked themselves in the bathroom makes Jill bang on the door and yell at them that it’s not the 80’s and how disrespectful it is to do this at LuAnn’s party.  Huh?  Are there really bathroom rules whilst on a booze cruise?  Jill is intolerable.   Really.  I want to to like her, I really do, but it’s just so terrible.  Everything Jill says and every reaction she has to things always makes me says to my tv “Eck, you’re almost 50.”

While in the bathroom Ramona doesn’t have enough liquid in her to pee on a pregnancy stick that Sonja just happens to have with her.  I’m sure if you shook out her bra 12 more tests would come flying out.  And, had she been wearing underpants, I’m sure the “Morning After Pill” would fall out too.  I’m kidding.  She’s dried up.  LuAnn can’t believe that they’re trying to steal her thunder on such a “special night” (on a booze cruise) and says that she thinks that “Blanche from the Golden Girls has a better chance of being pregnant than Ramona does.”  Oh really?  Well, Blanche is dead you jerk.  Oh wait, was that the joke?  LuAnn should just stick with trying to find words to rhyme with “elegANCE.”

You know who I think hates his mother?  Noel.  LuAnn tries to make it seem like she really needs his help walking in Natalie Cole because no one knows she’s there and it’s such a big deal.  He’s totally going to go Menendez Brothers on her one day.  Just a guess.  Anyjunk, in walks Natalie Cole and everyone is squealing with delight, but not more so than LuAnn.  Jill cannot believe what she is seeing.  This is yet another example of why Jill was too old to be in LuAnn’s music video…because you’re “jazzed” that Natalie Cole is about to sing a song on a booze cruise.  She and LuAnn end up singing that terrible song “L.O.V.E” where each letter of the word “Love” means something different.  You know, it’s like “L is for LuAnn’s class.  O is for Ramona’s rotting ovaries.  V is for the vagina that is no longer in commission.  E is for enough of this season.”  So yeah, that song.  The whole time this song is taking place, Simon refuses to smile or dance and is just staring at them, no joke, like he’s about to brutally murder the both of them.  Creepy.  Sad Ross, however, was slowly dancing and swaying his head side to side to the point where I had to look away from the television.

In the end, Ramona isn’t pregnant.  I know, I was shocked too.  And you know this season was a bust when they do the freeze frame at the end next to each “girl” and let us know what they’re up to now and it was filled with nothingness.  Cindy’s was basically like, “She’s still bejeweling shaved vaginas.”  I was saying a quick prayer that next to Jill’s freezeframe we would see something like, “Bethenny finally called Jill to let her know what she thought of the latkes” but, sadly, it never happened.  I guess we’ll all know once we go to Heaven…because that’s what you do in Heaven, right?  Riiiight??

Well folks, that’s that.  Thank Christ.  Spread the word around town about this here crap blog.  Call Andy Cohen and tell him to have me on his show and/or just give me money for being me.  That’s how that goes.

Real Housewives of New York City: Beauty, Class, and Elegance Captured in a Music Video…In Beautiful, Classy, and Elegant Atlantic (Burp) City

This isn’t the Plaza Hotel, this is LuAnn’s music vide-O. Once in a while I think that Santa Christ looks down on me and my pathetic little life and provides be with a treat. This treat, my friends (oh yeah), was this episode of of Real Housewives. The fact that almost the entire crapisode focuses on LuAnn planning and shooting a music video for Chic C’est la Vie really was priceless. Even the people who were “making” this video were priceless. Not only did the one guy appear to be a Level III, but he may or may not be a pageant dad as well. Bonus! The theme for this video, according to LuAnn, is “beauty, class, and elegance.” Seriously, why is everything about “elegance?” If she wanted this to be accurate it would be about alleged coke binges and affairs outside the marriage on both parts. If it were me I would have had her ex-husband, The Count, dressed up like Arnold Jackson and then LuAnn would have been dressed up like Kimberly Drummond and they would have been grinding to this song on what would look like a cloud in Heaven all whilst Pearl played the Banjo in daisy dukes and a Hyper-color t-shirt with two of Mr Drummond’s handprints over each breast. But that’s just me and, well, let’s face it I’m just spit-ballin’ ideas at this point. Instead they decide to play it safe and shoot this video in Atlantic City because, at the end of the day, when I think of a casino in Atlantic City the first three words that come to mind are: elegance, beauty, and class. The next three words that come to mind are: hookers, blow, and food stamps. Perhaps if Sonja ends up in the video that will be her role. Oh, and the “director” of this video says that he thinks the song is “really great” and “has a great beat” and “like what’s going on here.” Evidently money can’t buy you class or a director who knows what’s going on or where he is. My friend.

Everyone is “supposed” to be in this video, but some of the women are having a hard time with the content of the song and, therefore, they’re all claiming that their daughters aren’t comfortable with them being in it. These women include Ramona and Sonja. Ramona is claiming the Avery isn’t ok with her being in the video because LuAnn’s last video had her laying on the bed with multiple men. To be fair I’m pretty sure in LuAnn’s real life she lays in bed with multiple men but, hey, that’s just a guess. An educated guess. “Educated” meaning that I once completed a Rubik’s Cube almost all by myself. Fine I pealed the stickers off so it looks like I completed it. Fine I’m dumb. Where was I? Oh yeah, I don’t understand how Ramona’s daughter isn’t cool with her being in the video but is ok with her wearing lingerie on a highly rated cable reality show and oiling up her shirtless husband on camera.  And then there’s Sonja.  I mean, in this episode alone her boobs fell out of her dress twice and a few episodes ago she forgot to wear underwear and bent over in front of the camera…but she can’t be in LuAnn’s video that will take place in Dirty Jersey?  Terrible.

In LuAnn’s defense what the hell is everyone terrified about?  Even Alex won’t be in the video because of the “message.”  I’m is be confuzed.  I thought the message was “I know some words in French that may or may not rhyme.”  Apparently everyone else thinks the message must be “killing, mayhem, and racist rants.”  It’s not like it’s LuAnn’s daughter’s Youtube video.  And if my memory serves me right at one point Alex was “spread eagle in the hallway of her husband’s hotel.”  Alex is now filling us in on how she basically comes from royalty because her father owned oil fields in Kansas and they owned three homes.  So, oil can by you class (oh yeah)?  We learn all this as Alex, Simon, and some rando friends are cooking hotdogs on a hibachi in their backyard all whilst Francois runs around the concrete backyard and is, literally, begging for a beer.  No joke.  I don’t blame him.  If I were him at 5 and my parents were like this I’d be hitting the bottle on the regular and really gearing up for Celebrity Rehab 2023.

Besides the music video itself, one of my favorite scenes this episode was when Ramona and LuAnn met up for lunch.  Let’s have our own come to Jesus talk about this show, shall we?  Half these scenes are fake.  Especially this one.  LuAnn sits down and immediately brings up that she heard that Ramona doesn’t want to be in her music video.  Very staged.  However, you want to know what isn’t staged?  The fact that even though Ramona is in on this she totally thew LuAnn for a loop when she started bringing up her terrible parenting skills and how her husband cheated on her left and right during her marriage.  Brilliant.  The look on LuAnn’s face was priceless.  At least Ramona keeps it interesting during the scripted parts.  This is the Ramona that I want to be friends with and knock back a couple of hundred bottles of wine with.  She keeps saying that she and LuAnn have different parenting skills and how she is a role model to Avery.  I’m pretty sure Avery hates her, but that’s a different debate for a different time.  As a sidenote, are any of these women embarrassed that they’ve been all discussing LuAnn’s music video like it’s something that is actually going to play anywhere besides the Internet?  I mean, it’s not like MTV will be playing it.  And it’s in Atlantic City for Christ sakes.  If I didn’t want to be in it I wouldn’t have blamed my kids, I would have just been like, “I made a vow to myself that I would never go to New Jersey, so I can’t be in your video.”

Speaking of staged scenes, Cindy heads over to Sonja’s future ex-apartment to have breakfast because, you know, that’s what people do at 11:30 in the morning.  Things go boring haywire when Cindy has to have a conference call while Sonja is trying to have breakfast that I’m almost certain was a bowl of crumbs from her toaster oven and sour milk.  But, there was champagne so it was classy.  Wait a second!  Maybe they could have shot LuAnn’s video in Sonja’s apartment during breakfast?!  Nah, I’d still stick with my Arnold Jackson and Kimberly Drummond theme.  Anyway, Sonja ends up yelling at Cindy about being on a conference call and she does so, literally, while Cindy is on the  phone.  Imagine what the people on the line must have been thinking?  Why is some crazy chick in the background yelling about toaster oven eggs?  And more importantly, who makes eggs in the toaster oven when you have, you know, an actually stove just inches away.

If you’re into red-faced-secondhand-embarrassment the rest of this episode is for you, as we’re now all taken to the magical place of Atlantic City and shooting LuAnn’s video.  Jill, apparently, missed the memo that she’s basically a backup dancer in this video and thinks she’s the main star and is yelling at everyone about what to do in the video.  Dude, you’re 47.  Stop it.  The scene in the limo is making me cringe even thinking about it.  They’re playing the song, shooting the video, and they’re making awkward jokes about the song being on the “radio.”  LuAnn goes, “Yeah the song is on the limo radio” and then they cheers their champagne glasses as the sun goes down in the background over all the drug deals and murders currently taking place.  Beauty.  Elegance.  Class.  At one point Jill squints her eyes, looks into the camera, and does duck lips.  The director is literally telling them nothing, so it makes sense to just instinctually go with your 2005 Myspace duck lips pose and hold it for a count of three.  LuAnn les us know that she just got in their and did it because,  “Like my friend Princess Harlow says, ‘Just go in there and do it.’” And which princess is she?  Is she the Princess of the Borgata?  Those words of wisdom were probably given to her on her wedding night with The Count for when she had to pleasure him with her mouth.  Just my guess.

The rest of the video is just as bad and Jill is being a big B the entire time.  She’s tired of walking back and forth and actually tells the director that this is the last time they’re shooting that scene.  Entitlement.  One scene includes Bobby Zarin for reasons that I don’t understand and they’re all at a craps table singing, dancing like moms at a wedding, and throwing chips in the air because that’s what you’re allowed to do when you live Chic C’est la Vie.  I am embarrassed for everyone.  Everyone.  Them.  Me.  Us.  You.  America.  Parts of Canada.  Trinidad.  3/4s of Berlin.  Everyone.  I don’t know what was worse the music video or Alex, Ramona, Sonja, and Avery taking a hip-hop dance class and learning how to Dougie.  I look like I have a sunburn.

Real Housewives of New York City: My Super Scripted Sweet Sixteen

What in the name of all things Zarin was going on in this entire episode?!  Now I don’t do drugs, as users are losers and losers are users so don’t do drugs (DON’T do drugs)…if you know a user even part of the time, tell ‘em to quit and take a bite out of crime!  But I can only assume that from watching this crapisode of Real Housewives of NYC this is what it must be like to be on some sort of a binge.  We’ll get to Jill’s surprise party in a minute.

Things yawningly kick off with the planning of the battle of the Super Scripted Sweet Sixteens between mini-Ramona and LuAnn’s daughter, whose name it not important.  For now we’ll just call her Miss Suez Canal 2011.  LuAnn and Ramona are throwing their daughters a party on, you guessed it, the same exact day.  Can you imagine that luck?  LuAnn keeps saying that “you’re only 16 once” so she really wants to do it up for her daughter.  I hate that saying.  “You’re only (insert # here) once!”  Really?  Is that the way it works?  You mean to tell me I won’t be repeating 21 any time soon?  No me gusta that.

Each of these Super Awkward Sweet 16’s may or may not have a theme and, let me tell you, one idea is worse than the other…especially for Avery.  The creepy party planners are trying to pitch her on a “Winter Wonderland” theme because by mid-winter there’s nothing more that New Yorkers love than more F’n snow!  The other option, whilst horrific, would have been the worst best ever because it was (are you ready for it?) a break-dancing theme.  Yes!  I haven’t heard of a worse theme since Uncle Jessie tried to revive his music career by taking on the persona of “The Jess Man” and doing Egyptian-like dance moves known as, you guessed it, “The Jess Man.”  Kill yourself.  Scratch that, kill me first.  I enjoy a nice murder-suicide mid-Summer.  Anyway LuAnn’s daughter, Schecky de Leseppes, wants theme of a hot night club.  Original.  Clearly she should have gone with a “Friends” theme as Sad Ross is already on the payroll.  Either way, all these ideas are terrible and sound like they’re just basically trying to recreate the set of Xuxa.

Later we get to kill two potato latkes with one stone by having Jill and her sister give free legal advice to Sonja in the waiting room of the plastic surgeons office where Jill is just minutes away from getting a “liquid face-lift.”  I thought Jill’s sister was a radio host?  She’s a lawyer too?  Does she represent Casey Anthony?  That’s about all I know about the law.  Anyyentas, apparently Sonja is still trying to convince the American public that she’s just a simple girl who had no idea what she was doing when she was making a movie, forgot to pay the people $7 million dollars, and then (ooops) never actually made the movie.  The only movie I want to see Sonja in is Toaster Oven porn.  Basically I’d like to watch her toast grilled cheese sandwiches in her actual vagina.  Was that not clear?   Don’t forget the slice of tomato please! You know it’s ready when her gentlemen greeter starts to bubble.  Fine, I’m done.

It’s finally time for Jill to get a store-bought new face.  Thank God.  Although, I will miss Droopy.  The doctor is literally injecting enough filler into Jill’s face to fix the Liberty Bell.  See what I did there?  I incorporated Social Studies (Chapter 4) into this here recap.  We all learn so much here.  For example, I learn that I don’t know the difference between Social Studies and US History.  As the doctor needles the piss out of Jill’s facia bruta she lets her squeeze some balls to help with the pain.  Sonja looks jealous.  She should have let Jill squeeze two tiny fury clip on koala bears that can be purchased 3 for $10 at any international airport.  But, alas, she didn’t and Jill is left to just scream and moan while needles tear apart Jill’s ugly.  The doctor just kept saying to her, “This doesn’t hurt, you’re just afraid.”  Really?  Because I’m pretty sure this is the equivalent of getting a tattoo of Texas across your face.  Oh, and Jill is trying to convince us she gets this done every 5 or 6 months.  Really Pinocchio?  Because you’ve been on this show for about 6 years and, presto chango, you have a whole new F’n face this time around.  I think we would have noticed this kind of major construction zone before.  Hopfully, per usual, you can still take steak after this procedure.

Now this is when things start to really get trippy.  Enter Jill’s surprise party.  What the F was that all about?  All I know is that 3 minutes into it my phone rang and it was my sister calling me to say, “I have no idea what the hell I’m watching.  What is this?”  Poetic, if you ask me.  What an absolute sh*t show this was.  Honestly, I didn’t even think it was real.  I looked over at my bed to see if I was in it, dead, and was looking at my dead corpse…from heaven.  Fine.  Hell.  Either way, where to begin?  First off, LuAnn is having this surprise party at some French restaurant (shocker) that is owned by the son of Josephine Baker.  Huh?  They show “the son” and he’s an old white man wearing a rd suit and red glasses.  Well it was either a white man or former talk show host Sally Jesse Raphael.  The jury is still out.  Then, to kick up the crazy a notch, Simon walks in to the restaurant wearing a dress and a women dressed as man calls him a lesbian.  As all this is happening LuAnn and Ramona are just “learning” that they’re having their daughters parties on the same exact night and some guy is doing magic tricks in front of them and no one is paying any attention so he just walks away. At this point I was checking my pulse to make sure I wasn’t having a stroke.

As if the crazy train couldn’t enter the station, next up we have Sad Ross on the piano singing/saying something in a scented French accent about Jill and then people start taking the microphone and toasting her.  Kelly pops up out of nowhere and just keeps announcing to everyone over the mic that she is so sorry for being late and missing the beginning of the event.  Huh?  Who, what, when, where, and why?  Then enter Cindy (who I forgot was on this show until her creepy brother and his girlfriend who, again, looks just like Cindy showed up) who is wearing some Marie Antoinette wig and reciting a poem about Jill.  Are you all as out of breath as me right now?  Ramona tosses on a red wig and starts doing Jill Zarin impressions and screaming at the top of her lungs to Bobby that she wants bigger diamonds.  And then finally, it happens.  The cherry on top.  LuAnn comes down the stairs (in the SAME exact way she did during her performance of “Money Can’t Buy You Class”) wearing some crazy head-dress thing with a giant feather in it and looking like a man in a gown (aka Simon)…and sings some crazy song to Jill while Jill is yelling “Ha-bibi” over and over again.  Seriously, this officially turned into an episode of I Love LuAnn Lucy and Sad Ross, of course, is Ricky Ricardo.  What. A. Frigging. Sideshow. Mess.

I should end the recap right here because everything else was a letdown.  Well, the part where Alex and Simon hired a hypnotherapist to come over to their dump to try to cure Simon of his smoking habit was kind of entertaining.  The hypnotherapist was this little old man  (who I assume was just CGI and the old dude from “Up!”) who wore about 6 coats, hypnotized Simon and Simon’s bags under his eyes, and then just kept yelling at him over and over again, “You’re a non-smoker, you’re a non-smoker.”  For real?  He should have had Alex shut her eyes and started yelling at her “You’re not a model, you’re not a model” because that’s what I do to my TV every time Alex comes on the screen.  However, I’m not a hypnotist so I am powerless.

Sidenote: Remember that scene that was about 5 pointless minutes long with Avery and her friends having lunch and talking about the party?  Yeah, well how embarrassing was it at the end when the one friend was like, “You should invite Justin Bieber because he’s in town” and all the friends give her the death glare like she had just said, “Remember when you sucked d*ck at 8th grade graduation?”  I felt bad for her.  She even tossed in Katy Perry’s name and then looked like she was going to go home to cut herself.  And that’s when I knew that Frankie was a cutter.

The remainder (1) of the episode was just the craptastic Sweet 16’s.  Avery went with the winter wonderland theme and looked like she was going to a New Jersey Junior Prom.  There were beds all over the place, but Ramona didn’t want Mario to know they were beds because she was afraid he would freak out. Uh, more like she thought he would have his affairs in front of the whole party I’m sure.  My friend.  Oh yeah.  Funny how the thought of her daughter laying down with a boy didn’t freak her out, but when the Pinot Grigio hadn’t been delivered she looked like she was going into actual cardiac arrest.  I was laughing out loud when she freaked out and called the delivery people and was saying, “I don’t have my Ramona Pinot Grigio yet.  We’re supposed to have that and some, uh, vodka too.  Oh, this is the wrong number?  Ok sorry.”  And then she hangs up.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  Imagine being some old lady who answered her phone and you end up hearing Ramona yelling at you about her Pinot Grigio?!  Some people have all the luck.

In the end the parties looked terrible and LuAnn’s daughters theme gave me a seizure.  I just came to.  Or is it I just came too?  Like also?  Not in this case.  I before E except after C?  Or is it accept after C?  Who can keep up with the English language? It’s quite the task.  Oh, and did you notice that the DJ at LuAnn’s party was her producer from “Money Can’t Buy You Class.”  Way to keep it in the family.  Apparently paying him with your mouth wasn’t enough.  The final strange part happened when Bobby confronted Simon at Avery’s party about some blogger who was talking smack about Jill and Bobby thought Simon was involved.  Apparently Bobby hates me because he said, “You know I hate bloggers.”  Well you know what Bobby?  We ain’t be none too fond of you either.  So you can take your slicked back strands and your Whitney Houston transition lenses back to the fabric store because we don’t need you.  However, still let me know what you think about the latkes.

Real Housewives of NYC Recap: All “The Olds” are Doing the Sexy

Welcome!  This isn’t the Plaza Hotel, this is IBBB…things suck around here.  Get used to it.  For 7 days now Bravo has been throwing commercials at me like grenades talking about the “fallout from Morocco” so how come for the first 15 minutes of this snoozefest I’m forced to watch “the olds” get sexy with each other?  First we have to watch Ramona sprinkle (cookies) rose petals all over some random hotel room whilst wearing some Valentine’s lingerie and starfish earrings so she can surprise Mario with sex on camera.  Ole!  Poor Ramona was sitting there blinking, squinting, and seizing waiting for Mario to show up and he ended up being late.  I’m surprised he didn’t come stumbling in around 3am hammered with two Asian hookers on his arm from Chinatown.  Once he finally did arrive he seemed as uncomfortable to be there as I was to watch this “scene” go down.

Within minutes Ramona is “telling Mario for the first time” about what the psychic said in Morocco, which really means that she briefed him on this scene before she produced it so that he could read the script and say how the only other woman in his life was Avery…and the two Asian hookers who do the $2 dollar sucky-sucky.  I have to say, he wasn’t too convincing on the whole “I’m not cheating on you” case.  But what the hell do I care?  I just want to live in a world where Ramona is a fall down drunk.  Things take a serious turn for the worse when Mario is shirtless and Ramona is pumping some oil all over him and rubbing him down (and for some reason pointing to his abs and calling them pecs)…and then she goes for the feet and that’s when I yell “I need an adult” and head on off to the bathroom so I can Shasta McNasty this entire segment out of mind, through my bum, and into the toilet where the idea for this scene first took place.  Also, I truly believe Ramona has rabies.

I arrive back in front of the TV just in time to see Simon trying to get all sexy with Alex.  I mean, come on, are there two people in this good old mundo who are as sexless as them?  I’d rather watch a priest and a nun lick their lips to each other all whilst making their fingers in the shape of a circle with one hand and using the finger on their other hand to point towards the hole over and over again.  I mean, I don’t really know what that means, but the point is that the thought of Alex and Simon getting sexy is more than any one of us should have to endure.  They probably make Francois watch.

Simon ends up having a great surprise for Alex and for some reason he has these “gifts” placed on his body while he lays down on the floor and asks her to come into the room…and then he just stands up.  Huh?  Is this episode actually taking place or am I just having one of “my dreams” again?  Apparently his gift to Alex is a basket of underpants and some lingerie for her to “model” for him.  Let me tell you it’s all terrible.  One of the lingerie pieces looked like a sexier version of a KKK outfit or something that the grandmother in The Walton’s would wear when it wasn’t that time of the month.  At one point Simon just grabs her bony ass and I can actually feel both my penisitis and my nuts shoot up into my body…and then I pass out.  I love how they’re not giving up on this whole “Alex is sexy this season” thing.  Every piece of lingerie that she tried on and modeled consisted of her walking into the room with a glass of champagne…just like they teach you to do at the Sears Portrait Studio, Glamour Shots, Barbizon, and the like.  Also, someone needs to tell Alex that flapjack boobs are out this season.  However, bonus points for a few of these outfits as I could totally see her wearing that spread eagle in the hallway of her husbands hotel.  Zing!

The rest of this crapisode is absolute filler.  We quickly touch upon Sonja and her bankruptcy scandal while she’s getting a facial with her niece (who was kind of hot).  The lady doing the facial (one of Mario’s Asian sluts, probably) is like, ‘I read about you in the paper…”  Yeah, great way to up your tip.  Why not just slap her in the face in the middle of the facial?  Sonja is laughing while talking about how she doesn’t know how true the statements in the paper are and her lawyers are going to fill her in.  Honestly, if it wasn’t for Sonja being all 6’s and 7’s I wouldn’t believe her, but I have to admit I completely think she had no clue how much money she owed or what she even signed or where she even is.  More on this later.

The best part for me was when Sonja arrived at the facial place and handed her coat to her niece with the price tag still on it.  She claimed she keeps the price tags on her clothes so she can always remember the great deal she got on them.  Uh, sure.  I’m almost certain I saw a security tag on her skirt with the busted ink running down her back.  In fact, she even had the price tag on her skirt that she claimed she got years ago.  I know a wise woman once said, “Money Can’t Buy You Class” but I’m pretty sure money can buy you clothes (oh yeah!).

Speaking of clothes, Jill brings Bobby to some place to get a hand made suit.  I would talk about this part, but I have a new policy which states I’m not allowed to be interested in any scenes with both Jill and Bobby in them.  Now, if she was making little tiny custom tuxedos for her clip on koala bears from Australia, well, that would be another story.  So, in this case…moving on.

In more boring news, Sad Ross is back!  Ok fine, it’s kind of exciting.  LuAnn is so happy that Sad Ross is back because I’m sure it was exhausting being in Morocco for so long and having to do the coke all by yourself and sleep with random strangers and members of the camera crew (all allegedly and by “allegedly” I mean “totally made up like I’m one of those satire websites.”).  Of course they go to a French restaurant because they need to remain as stereotypical as they possibly can throughout the entire season.  LuAnn tells Sad Ross how happy she is to be back with him again and how thankful she is that he is…wait for it…wait for it….so funny.  Yup, funny.  Charlie Chuckles.  Or as LuAnn would probably call him, “Sir Charles of the Chuckles Canal.”  Suddenly they have some gross tender moment where she wants him to do his Indian impression and he starts speaking like Apu from The Simpsons.  Legit, it’s like I’m on an acid trip.  Now I finally understand why Bravo pulled the plug on this a few months ago and re-edited the whole thing.  Had this aired in February as originally planned we’d all be forced to watch Sad Ross’ stand-up routine I’m sure.  Also, this week they officially have the same hairdo and I believe it’s the same color.  I hate them and me equally.

Oh, and Cindy is in this episode too, but for about 3 minutes.  It’s some creepy scene with her brother and assistant and they’re looking through Cindy’s pictures from Morocco where they all learn that Sonja cut her out of all of them.  Seriously, take it as a blessing.  If only Sonja was in charge of editing this season, Cindy would be able to just go back to her successful business life and pretend none of this ever happened.

Meanwhile, Jill evidently stole the entire concept of “Spanx” and is trying to sell it under her own name now so she has all the girls (except Ramona and Kelly) come to a focus group on the same day her line launches so they can give her feedback.  Really?  She didn’t think of having the focus group before the line launched in case, you know, it sucked?  It all looks like it itches, gives you perma-cameltoe, and will be sold in the Harriet Carter catalog.  However, the most important part of this scene was how everyone was asking Sonja about her having to declare bankruptcy.  I actually feel kind of bad for her.  She looks like a hot mess these days, but I think she can still take steak, so that’s good.  Although, they all keep saying that they read about her situation in the Wall Street Journal.  Really?  Had I known the Real Housewives was discussed in the WSJ maybe I would have renewed my subscription from my senior year of college when we were forced to subscribe to it for a class that I had and pretty much only went to on Monday’s and Wednesday’s because I was hungover every single Friday for 9 months out of the year.  But enough about me.

Sonja keeps talking about how she pays all her bills, but she had some movie deal that “went south” and now everyone wants either $7 million or $19 million.  Didn’t this have something to do with John Travolta?  Someone fill me in because I’m over it at this point.  All I know (alls I knows) is that Jill is all over Sonja’s grill about the $19 million and wants to know about every last nickle and dime.  Shocking.  Focus on your Spanx, Jill, and call it a day.  Also, I hope those little clip on koala bears have their own Spanx because some of them looked a little chubby.  Too much latkes.

In the end, Alex and LuAnn decide to meet up for lunch to discuss their faux-fight in Morocco.  Of course LuAnn chooses a French restaurant.  The place looks like a dungeon and LuAnn is dressed like Sinade O’Connor from the “Nothing Compares to You” video.  This sh*t is so staged it’s legit turning into The Hills.  Although, if this was The Hills you totally know that LuAnn would never be known as the girl who didn’t go to Paris.  Anysquareteeth, they both sit there not sure who should start the fight first.  Finally Alex brings up LuAnn’s behavior and LuAnn tells Alex that she was embarrassed for her in Morocco.  Really?  I was embarrassed for myself.  This fight makes no sense and then LuAnn makes fun of Alex’s “Herman Munster” shoes from Morocco.  You tell her LuAnn!  Hit her where it hurts…in the shoes. Trash dump.

LuAnn actually ends up plugging her song a little because she tells Alex that she should have never got involved in the fight between her and Ramona and she actually says, and I quote, “it was none of your business, my friend.”  I literally threw both of my fists up in the air and shouted out “Yes!”  LuAnn says other winning lines during “the fight” too like, “You were bulling me in my salon” in reference to the 2×4 musty humid flea infested part of the riad where they got those dumb Henna tattoos.  Finally, LuAnn gets up, tells Alex to get a life, and then says, “You remember what happens to the messenger” and then they just end the scene.  What the F happens to the messenger?!  Does the messenger become a late-in-life successful fashion model!?  One may never know, my friend (oh yeah!).

Real Housewives of New York City: I Kinda Think Santa is Going to Fix It

For the love of camel jokes are we still in Morocco?  I must have missed over 14 episodes or something because apparently after the “big fight” between Ramona and Jill both ladies of leisure are acting like they’ve been gang banged in a rusty dumpster and, well, I’m almost certain only one of them has.  Jill is pacing the room back and forth crying and LuAnn couldn’t be any more livid about a situation unless she found out Sad Ross wasn’t really French or that the Suez Canal was this made up place solely written to sell more Social Studies books to Catholic middle schools.  Meanwhile, in the other room Ramona is having her own version of a mental breakdown that can only be cured by Pinot Grigio poured down her throat like smelling salts.  Ramona keeps crying sans tears and asking why Jill couldn’t hear her.   Sonja, of course, is already three sheets to the Moroccan wind, and Alex is just happy to be on camera.  It must be a nice break from her fast paced modeling world.

LuAnn comes busting into Ramona’s room like the Kool-Aid man demanding to know why Ramona is causing trouble.  If I were Ramona I would have demanded to know why LuAnn is suddenly speaking with Madonna’s accent.  I can honestly say that I’m really not following why everyone is reacting like part of the Riad just blew up.  They’re legit cradling and rocking Ramona and trying to get LuAnn out of the room stat.  Sonja is yelling for LuAnn to get Ramona’s Pinot Grigio the same way that the mother demanded the nurses give her daughter her pain meds in Terms of Endearment.  “Give Ramona her Pinot!!!!!!!!!”

Jill is so full of false promises.  Last week she ended the episode by saying that she was going to have a heart attack and then this week nothing.  Perfectly working ticker.  Such a liar.  Now I know why Bethenny could never trust her.  If you basically say you’re going to leave this world, well, don’t expect me to not be pissed off when you don’t hold true to your word.  Even though complete nonsense is going on between women in their late 40’s and early 50’s, they all decide to go to some “exclusive” restaurant  that Sonja could get them into.  Exclusive?  It’s Morocco.  I mean, I’d assume eating anywhere that wasn’t off the back of a rabid donkey would be considered exclusive.  This place, however, has belly dancers and LuAnn commands that no one dance or else they look like a tourist.  Uh, they’re basically at the equivalent of a Planet Hollywood.  I’m sure Demi Moore’s Cap-N-Crunch chicken salad nor the other patrons will mind.  Alex ends up dancing because she claims that she’s always the one to jump up and dance eve though no one would ever guess that.  You mean people don’t guess that Alex is the life of the party?  Shocking.  Sidenote:  Me gusta when LuAnn whispered that Ramona was “horny” when she was watching the dancers.  And I’m sure LuAnn couldn’t wait to get her penis near a horned up Ramona.

Some other stuff happens but, let’s face it, this episode is about 90 minutes and I’m already almost over it.  Things take an interesting turn when LuAnn, Pointless Cindy, and Kelly are all getting Henna tattoos and suddenly you can hear Alex doing a combination of a tap dance and a gallop down the stairs.  She busts (bustless) into their Henna room and demands to speak with LuAnn.  They all legit laugh at her over this and Alex continues to make odd mouth shapes with her odd shaped mouth.  As she tries to confront LuAnn about some BS that she’s pretty much making up in hopes that when they edit her scenes together it seems dramatic, the girls continue to laugh at her and Kelly takes about 10 minutes worth of calling Alex weird, crazy, and inauthentic.  She actually, on camera, is yelling at Alex and saying, “No one acts like this.  If you want to talk to us you have to act normal.  Now reenter the room.”  Brilliant.  I like how Kelly is somehow the new voice of reason.  I mean, she’s as crazy and painful as a bag of blue balls, but she is the voice of truth nonetheless.

As the faux-fighting continues, LuAnn at one point dismisses Alex by saying, “I’m done with this conversation, you can go now.”  She pretty much was like the host from The Weakest Link.  Damn it I miss that lady.  If they ever have a remake of Webster, they better cast her as Ma’am or I’m going to be pissed. Anyway, Kelly keeps telling Alex that she’s weird and leaves the room.  However, you can still hear Kelly from a room away talking to herself and yelling about how ridiculous Alex is and how she’s pissed that now her tattoo is ruined.  She actually screams and says, “Who’s going to fix this?  Santa?”  Why yes, I’m pretty sure Santa is going to fix this.  In fact, I’m pretty sure Santa edited this episode too.

Kelly comes back to keep yelling about her tattoo to Alex all whilst Ramona and Sonja are running around the property and giggling over trying to find the dresses that the random designer made for them.  Seriously, what is this episode even about?  At one point as Alex is rambling, Kelly tells her to close her eyes before she continues and then tells her to open her eyes again.  Huh?  She’s like, “Close your eyes.  Ok, open your eyes.”  Is she hypnotizing her?  Is she hypnotizing me?  How the hell long is this episode?  Meanwhile, Jill busts up the hypnotherapy session by showing everyone her new perm that some random employee just gave her.  It was legit a perm.  I am, once again, confused by all of this.  I feel like the editors basically played 52 card pickup with all this footage.

Later, another fight starts when people forget LuAnn’s golden rule which is, of course, that dinner is promptly at 8pm…followed by 2 back to back performances of Money Can’t Buy You Class.  Fine, I made that last part up.  First up, Alex, Ramona, and Sonja all “allegedly” had their dinners sent up to their rooms and will not be joining the rest of the ladies.  Suddenly, 30 minutes later Alex shows up to dinner while LuAnn is mid-sentence talking crap about her and Jill has to “naturally” yell out, “LuAnn!  Alex is here!”  Yeah, I’m sure Alex didn’t pick up on that.  After LuAnn makes Alex feel like she was responsible for the Holocaust by being late for dinner, Alex decides to take her plate of leaves up to her room.  Maybe she would have stayed, but Kelly escorted her out of the room telling her that she’s doing her a favor and just to be herself.  Is Kelly directing these episodes now?

Next up, 1 hour after that Ramona and Sonja come busting into the dining room like Lenny and Squiggy wanting to know what’s for dinner.  LuAnn does her best Madonna impression yet by saying, “The kitchen is closed.  This isn’t the Plaza Hotel, this is Morocco.”  She should have ended it with a performance of Vogue.  Ramona actually made me laugh because she kept saying to LuAnn, “Daaaarling, I didn’t have dinner sent to my room, Daaaarling, I just had a snack sent up at 4:00, Darrrling.”  Good old Ramona.  Never stop drinking!  Ramona disappears for a second and then comes back with all the snack plates that were brought up to her room like she was Carrot Top.  Per the “lessons of Kelly” Ramona ended up saying sorry to LuAnn for “forgetting” what time dinner was at.  Ramona was probably trashed when LuAnn told her the time and didn’t even remember that she was in Morocco.  During Ramona’s one on one interview she informed us that LuAnn was acting like the RA of the Riad.  Spot on.

In the end all the ladies put on their caftans and got creepy makeup put on all whilst we were forced to watch scenes of Mario and Simon at some 80’s pool hall and flirting with some random Asian chick.  Why, why and also, why?  I’m over it.  Discuss.