More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of new york city’
18
Real Housewives of New York City Reunion Part 3 of 2,093: Are Jill and Bethenny Friends Again?
Well we’re down to the final reunion for the Real Housewives of New York City. I’m pretty sure this could be turned into an additional 14 episodes if Andy kept on reading viewer mail from people who think Jill is a b*tch and if the discussion centered around how crazy train Kelly is. What was interesting to me, as my life consists of nothing interesting in itself, was the fact that we were all lead to believe that Kelly left Ramona’s Virgin Islands trip on her own because she needed to get away from all the drama from the night before (see: breakdown) and be with her daughters. Well the crazy cat was let out of the crazy bag when Bethenny informed us that Kelly was actually asked to leave the island by the people of Bravo and was escorted home by one of the producers. Seriously, insane.
I have to believe this, as I also believe in Santa Claus still (and so should you), because Ramona and Bethenny both called Jill, off camera, to tell her that Kelly had a breakdown and they are afraid for her. Bethenny actually thought it was so bad that she was under the impression that Kelly was going to check herself into a mental hospital as soon as she landed in NYC. Awesome. I know that the footage we saw was all 6’s and 7’s, but I want to see the completely unedited footage so, fine people of Bravo, please email those clips to me so that I can recap it. Gracias. That means “thanks” in Spanish.
Later we got to see my favorite part of all 15 reunion episodes, where Ramona stands up, gets all crazy, throws her hands up over her head, and starts yelling at Jill saying (in regards to Jill surprising the girls at the Virgin Islands…and then getting kicked out), “You should have said, ‘Alex I was a sh*t head to you. Bethenny I was a sh*thead to you. Ramona I was a sh*thead to you too and please forgive me!” Bravo, Bravo! Literally. Ramona takes it a step further and does a little “Jack Nicholson: You Can’t Handle the Truth” when she says to Jill, “You didn’t look for a chance God damn it!” Awesome. More please. More.
And just when you think Kelly can’t make an less sense, Andy puts a video montage together of Kelly contradicting herself. It gets worse because then Kelly tries to explain how she doesn’t contradict herself because she can change her mind any day she wants…and then later she says she does contradict herself. Bethenny looks like her eyes are going to fall out of her head and I’m almost certain I see steam coming from her ears. There should have been one camera just on Bethenny the entire show simply because of her facial reactions. All brilliant.
As much as I’m over Jill this season she did bring a smile to my mean spirited face when she kept on telling Alex, “You were spread eagle in the hallway of your husbands hotel” when they were discussing the difference between Kelly posing for Playboy and Alex’s nude pictures that were “leaked” after Season One.
In the end Andy goes around the room asking who would want to come back for next season. No one seems to know. Actually, Sonja knows. She’s all in. Jill isn’t sure because she can’t see herself filming with Alex again. As long as Ramona signs up, I’m happy. I’d actually just like to watch a show where a camera follows Ramona around and, at the same time, Ramona is wearing a helmet camera so we can see things from her perspective. Good idea, no?
Finally in the last few seconds Jill gets up and hugs Bethenny as they both cry and Jill basically begs for their friendship back. It’s sad because it’s a little desperate but, hey, that’s the show. Godspeed. Whatever that means.
15
…and Ramona, IBBB’s Been a Sh*thead to You Too and Please Forgive Me (stomp foot)!
There are some things in life that bring me so much effing happiness. And those “some things” are provided by the hundreds of thousands of hours of television that I watch. Bravo is churning out “Real Housewives” seasons like spinoffs of Law & Order and, you know what, that is fine by me. What’s not ok with me is when they end. I’ve got to experience 14 craptastic crapisodes of Real Housewives of NYC and watching Ramona become the new love of my life. And just when you think she’s finished going all crazy, she tosses in a few extra 6’s and 7’s during the 3-part Housewives Reunion which may or may not be technically a mini-series.
Last week, during Part 1: Section 2: Area 1: Dialogue 7 of the reunion my favorite part, without a doubt, was when Ramona said the one thing she is truly sorry for was the mean things she said to Bethenny whilst they walked/fought on the Brooklyn Bridge. It was here that one of Ramona’s best lines was provided. It went down a little something like this:
Ramona: “That’s the one I’d like to take back the most.”
Kelly: “Oh you wouldn’t take back calling me stupid?”
Ramona: “Oh…I don’t know Kelly…..sometimes I call my daughter stupid.”
Kelly: “Ramona don’t ever call your daughter stupid.”
Ramona: “I really don’t, I just gave that as an example to make you feel better.”
Seriously, brilliant. Can she be nominated for an Emmy?
I’m waiting for the part when Ramona loses her mind, yells at Jill and screams, “Alex I was a sh*head to you, Bethenny I was a sh*thead to you, and Ramona I was a sh*thead to you too and please forgive me!” Honestly, I want that as my alarm clock. Someone make this happen.
Anyway, I finally realized why they’ve made this reunion into 3 episodes. It’s basically because they wanted to find new and innovative ways to tell Jill Zarin that America and some parts of “the Canada” think that she’s a P-Bag. I know what you’re thinking. P-Bag? But surely you mean D-Bag! I don’t. I mean P-Bag. P, as in “Potato-Latkes-Bag.” You knew it.
Seriously, Jill was the least favorite Halfway-Housewife and, personally, there were plenty of times that I was writing anonymous letters to Congress to see if it was legal to give someone the electric-chair even if they didn’t commit a crime….but Andy Cohen just kept on reading and reading and reading and reading negative viewer mail about Jill. Towards the end there weren’t even questions on his cards, just statements. It was like, “Uh, Sally from Atlanta writes BravoTV and says, ‘Jill, your box stinks.’” And then he’s like, “How do you react to that?” The answer, of course, is “nose plugs.” I was looking for “nose plugs.” Come on give Jill a break and by “a break” I mean a fresh bag of Potato Latkes.
Meanwhile, Sonja is bringing back her smutty sex talk to the girls on the couch and at one point she calls the guys she’s banged her “customers.” I thought LuAnn was going to go ass-up over the chair. How dare you refer to customers of the bedroom in front of Countess. Right, like she hasn’t snorted coke off a transvestites privates in the back of a cab leaving Chinatown. Nice try LuAnn, but we all know it’s true and by “all” I mean “me” and by “true” I mean “made up.” Still.
Blah, well during the commercial break they just showed scenes from the Part III of the reunion on Thursday and that’s when Ramona yells at Jill and stomps her foot. Fiiiiiine, I’ll watch it….again….on Thursday.
Systematic bullying. Google it. It’s Kelly’s turn to talk about her leisurely trip to “Poison Island” where she may or may not have had a breakdown. Lucky for us today is the day where Kelly’s calendar taught her the term: systematic bullying. Ole! She’s used the term about 15 times in about 2 sentences. She claims the women bullied her and then told her they loved her and then told her they were confused by her. Apparently Kelly had to get on the phone with her agent to tell him she was done with….the show? Her lunch? Her period? We don’t know because she just kind of stops mid sentence. It’s like when Vicki the Robot would just lose her battery life and freeze up. Anyway, Kelly continues her “tour of crazy” and talks of some intervention they had to have with Bethenny on the island. I’m pretty sure that isn’t overly true because, if it was, I’m pretty sure they would have aired it. Who knows? I’m confused. Now I feel like Kelly is doing “systematic bullying” on me. She does it like karate on me. I’m quick though and I sweep her leg. What?
In the end, Kelly babbles to Andy…who works for Bravo….and I think is a producer on the show….that Bravo forced her to go on the trip and she said no, but they forced her. Andy claims it isn’t true, Kelly claims it is. Here’s why I think it’s not true. If they forced me to go on the trip and I didn’t want to, do you know what the only thing I would say while the cameras were on me? “Bravo is forcing me to be here.” I would just say that over and over and over and over so they couldn’t use any of the footage. Just me? I’m wicked smaaaaht like that. So Kelly walks off the stage and we’re “to be continued” like a bad cliff-hanger of “Who’s the Boss.” Will Kelly come back? Will Kelly spontaneously combust? Will Kelly find a new way to systematic bully herself? Find out on Thursday.
04
Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Apparently LuAnn’s Boyfriend is Ross Geller
Basically three things happened in the season finale of Real Housewives of New York City: Bethenny and Jill meet up for lunch, LuAnn “performs” her song “Money Can’t Buy You Class” (we’ll get to that in a second), and Ramona finally finishes her renewal process from hell. Let’s take a walk through each of these craptastic situations. Join me, won’t you? Won’t you? Shant you?
I actually believe that the lunch meeting with Bethenny and Jill is real. Usually I can tell when scenes are scripted or over produced as I am quite the loser and watch, literally, hundreds of thousands of hours of television programming. Jill is putting her mouse tail between her legs and begging Bethenny for forgiveness, which is pretty fitting since I always say that Jill does remind me of the girl mouse from “An American Tale.” If she finished the lunch with a techno version of “Somewhere Out There” I’m sure Bethenny would have forgiven her. Perhaps they could have had a dance-off too. It’s called muli-tasking? Try it sometime.
Anylatkes, Jill doesn’t want to drudge up the past and either does Bethenny, but Bethenny won’t back down and is stating that Jill is having altercations and issues with each of her scripted friends. This makes Jill hide her face in shame in her cloth napkin, which is ironic as I hide my face in shame whilst watching LuAnn perform her song later in the episode. Again, we’ll get to that later. Jill tries to smooth things over the same way that countries end wars….by offering the other person homemade potato latkes. Ole! No joke, Jill brought them with her…to a restaurant…in her own Tupperware. She should have asked the waiter to heat them up for 15 minutes at 350, or until they brown on top. Why do I have a feeling that Jill is doing this just so she can turn it into a cook book that she’ll be selling next season? I’m sure it will sell like hotlatkes.
At the end of the “lunch” Jill treats the situation like a real first date and asks Bethenny if she would like to do it again sometime. Awkward. She should have waited a day and then called her. I wonder if she went in for the kiss when the date ended? Tongue from Jill probably tastes like soggy mouse and I’m not even going to go there on how I know that.
Spoiler Alert: Get your resuscitating equipment ready because you’re like to die from secondhand embarrassment. It’s LuAnn’s big night and she’s about to sing “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” I assumed she would be singing “Simply Irresistible” as Jill is clearly dressed like one of Robert Palmer’s backup dancers from the video. She was just missing the guitar. As a sidenote, my favorite Spanish phrase in 6th grade was, “Yo toco la guitarra.” That is all. Moving on….
We finally get to meet LuAnn’s boyfriend. The mystery is over! LuAnn is dating Ross Geller, which I think is awesome because (as you know) I’ve always wanted to know if the “Friends” were really friends. No joke, I’m pretty sure this dude is David Schwimmer. As soon as I saw him I sat up and high-fived myself and thought this couldn’t get any better….but then it did. It got better because LuAnn started singing. At least I think it was singing. I’m pretty sure they just edited in her CD version in post production. Doesn’t matter. Either way it was worth the wait. She’s spewing things out about text messaging on a date and wiping your cooch from front to back like a real lady. I have no idea, the lyrics make no sense to me. All I know is that the audience reactions to her “singing” totally captured my attention. Kelly was singing the lyrics word-for-word which scares me more than I can ever describe. Sonja is throwing her hands up in the air like she’s reliving her coke-binge days at Studio 54. At one point there is some Asian dude in the background throwing out “gang signs” as he fist-pumps to the music. All a wonderfully horrific scene.
I also loved the way that LuAnn came out on stage. She walked down the stairs like your drunken great-aunt at a family wedding and was yelling into the mic “Are you ready to rock-n-roll? As you know, I’m LuAnn!” Really? She’s like Madonna with only one name, but not a cool one. She could have basically been like, “Are you ready to rock-n-roll? As you know, I’m Francis.” Woooo! Hot. As Ramona would say, “It’s hot. Like Hooters girls are hot. This is hot.”
In the end it was time for Ramona’s wedding renewal. She actually looked really good. I imagine this is what Kathy Lee Gifford would look like had she ever put any effort into it. The guy who is “marrying” Ramona and Mario is basically trying to do shtick. At one point he brings up Mario’s love of ass. Awesome.
Ramona wrote her own vows, which makes me nervous. At one point she says that 17 years ago when she got married to Mario she didn’t know if the marriage would last, but now she knows it will. Huh? Uh, keep those cards close to your vest Ramona. I’m actually surprised she didn’t say her standard thing she’s been saying all season (insert Ramona voice) “I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 17 years, 17 years of marriage, who I love more today than I did 17 years ago. Mario, you know I adore you. I’ve adored you for 17 years of marriage, for 17 years, we’ve been married for 17 years. I’m renewing everything. I’m renewing my hair and I’m renewing my love for my husband of 17 years. I’m doing the best I can (do the Ramona side-shoulder), I’m doing the best I can (side-shoulder).
Everyone cries during the vows and apparently I’m dead inside because I feel nothing. Maybe because I keep flipping back and forth to the Celtics/Lakers game and I’m watching the Celtics, who are down 10, lose. I kinda blame Ramona and Mario for this. Anyway, at the reception Kelly shows the gift she made for Ramona which was pictures she took from the Virgin Islands shoved into a Walgreens photo album. Oh. Nice. Bethenny thanks Ramona and Alex for being there for her this year and that she can trust them now. Alex tries to say hello to Jill and tell her she’s glad she came, but Jill wants no part of it. Same old Jill.
It was good that they all, pretty much, ended on a good note. However, I can’t wait for the Reunion Show next week where I hear some good sh*t went down.
24
Wait, So Kelly Bensimon Really is Crazy? Spoiler Alert: Yes.
So apparently Kelly from Real Housewives of New York City really did go kind of crazy in last weeks crapisode. I knew it wasn’t editing (you learn a lot from “The Hills”) but I suspected she may have been playing up “the crazy” for the cameras. Well, all the cast members of Real Housewives took to their separate Bravo Blogs to talk about Kelly, her crazy-train behavior, and how it really was worse than we even got to see. Looks like I was right about the 5150. Check out some of their thoughts below.
Bethenny “Go to Sleep, Go to Sleeeeep” Frankel:
“I have to be honest. I felt for a few years now that I was seeing something in Kelly that I couldn’t believe others couldn’t see. I grew up in an insane asylum, so I can sense when someone is unstable from the beginning. I have seen signs of Kelly’s erratic behavior for years now, and of course there was the domestic violence charge with her ex boyfriend. Things like that just don’t happen to people. A large part of me feels sorry for her and sincerely thinks she should not be participating in a reality show environment. I don’t think she can resist the temptation of the attention it brings regardless of the fact that it may not be good for her. Reality television is very stressful under the most normal circumstances.
Truth be told, what aired was very tame compared to what actually happened. I think that to air the full scope of it would terrify the viewers. We were truly terrified ourselves, and I must point out that none of us came home from that trip and told anyone about what went on there. We understood how serious it was and we were all scared. That night when I went to bed, I was legitimately scared for my safety as well as Kelly’s. I know Alex felt the same. It was a completely horrendous trip and experience. That is the God’s honest truth.”
Alex “I’m Suddenly the Normal One” McCord:
“I literally cannot wait for the next episode to see what they’ve chosen because you would not believe everything that happened. Or maybe you would.”
Countess LuAnn de Levorced:
“I encouraged Kelly to pass on this trip because I knew that she couldn’t defend herself. I’m still baffled by how antagonistic she was at the dinner party. I think that Kelly may have had other issues going on at home that pushed her over the emotional edge. Kelly’s lack of empathy makes it hard for her to be a good girlfriend. After watching this episode, I can honestly say, I’m glad I stayed home! I don’t think anyone could have helped Kelly in this situation.”
Ramona “Don’t Call Me Crazy Eyes” Singer:
“Unfortunately Kelly would not allow anyone to get a word in edge wise so I went over to Bethenny and sat on the arm of her chair to tell her how sorry I was about lashing out on her on the Brooklyn Bridge. Something snapped in Kelly that night at dinner. I never witnessed anything like that before in my life. She was not making any sense. It was as if she had a mini-breakdown. I really do not know what caused it, but is was frightening to witness.”
Sonja “Take My Pooch Please” Morgan:
“I want to believe Bethenny didn’t speak negatively about Kelly’s children to the press, even though Kelly feels strongly that she did, for sure. I like to believe Bethenny would own up to it if she had, especially at this critical point. It was hard for me to watch this scene. I felt we all had to take responsibility for what had transpired. I felt Kelly’s pain as well as Bethenny’s and just wanted to make everyone whole again. I needed a vacation after this vacation. My sympathies to Ramona for her great efforts (and everyone’s by the way) but not my idea of a vacation.”
Kelly “5150″ Bensimon:
“I have never endured such a difficult time with four women. Trust your instincts.”
21
The Real Housewives of New York City: So Who’s Putting the 5150 on Kelly?
Elegance is learned, my friend. Elegance is learned, oh yeah. Elegance is leaaaaaaarrrrrnnnnned! Oh sorry, I didn’t realize you were all here. So what in the holiest of all hells was up with Kelly Bensimon on last nights Real Housewives of New York City? All the editing in the free world couldn’t have made her look any crazier. It could have only gotten worse if they had, literally, drawn a cartoon mouth over Kelly’s mouth and then just had the voice of Sam Kinison start spewing out the raunchiest of words and phrases.
First off, is it just me or has this entire season of Real Housewives of New York City barely taken place in New York City? I feel like the beginning was shot in the Hamptons and then there were 2 episodes in NYC, and then the remainder has been in the Virgin Islands. And don’t people call it “the” Virgin Islands? Everyone but Ramona does. She just calls it “Virgin Islands.” She says things like, “I love being in Virgin Islands.” Eh, what the hell do I know? I say things like, “pizzer” instead of “pizza.” I’m awesome like that.
Back to the task in hand. Kelly Bensimon is legit (allegedly) crazy. She made no sense the entire episode. From saying that Alex looked like a vampire and was channeling the devil, to relentlessly saying that she didn’t think Bethenny was a real chef because Kelly knows some chefs and they don’t know her. Yup simple math, my friends. Simple math, oh yeah. Simple maaaaaaaatttth. Sorry.
Things took a bit of a sharp right onto Crazy-Train Avenue, when Kelly told everyone that she thinks that Bethenny is trying to kill her. What?! If Bethenny really was trying to kill Kelly she could have easily just taken a sh*t in her food that she prepared for everyone and called it a day. Oh that’s the other thing. Kelly said that she didn’t like Bethenny’s food, but that she made an amazing salad. She then said, “She makes amazing salads. She could be like Paul Newman.” Right. Because everyone know that if it’s one thing that Paul Newman is known for it’s his salads.
When Kelly wasn’t telling people to zip it, taking the most creepy pictures of Alex and crew on the beach, talking about jelly beans and lollipops, and producing fake tears about being torn up in the press, she was leaving the terrace they were all sitting on having dinner and then coming back 2 seconds later. This is when Bethenny screamed at her to “go to sleep then, go to sleep!” Seriously, I want that as my alarm clock when I hit “snooze” in the morning. I want to hear Bethenny’s voice yelling at me to “go to sleep!”
In the end all the women, including crazy train Sonia, are convinced that Kelly has a chemical imbalance and decide that they are picking on someone who is, literally, crazy. They decide to defuse the situation for now so that everyone can be calm and happy and enjoy their toxic night.
So what do you guys think? Is Kelly hamming it up for cameras or do you think she actually is nuts?
28
You Mean She Wasn’t Saying, “LA Gets the Girl….My Friend?”
Well maybe I would have known that Countess LuAnn de Levorced was actually singing “Elegance is Learned….My Friend” if the majority of her sh*t-show of a “song” didn’t sound like they used that special effect that Cher used in “Do You Believe…” you know, when it sounds like she’s singing through the telephone in a rusted out phone-booth in the bad part of town? Yeah, that. My friend.
Anymadeuptitles, LuAnn’s new song, “Money Can’t Buy You Class” is going to knock the burnt-down-fried-out wig off of Kim Zolciak’s pin head. Some people say it’s a dance track (I made fun of that person) and others say it’s the reason why we were born with ears (fine, I said that). While half of it does sound like she sang it over the phone into a Speak-n-Spell, the other half is my favorite part. The part I’m talking about, of course, is where she is kind of rapping and kind of talking and kind of singing her “Countess Rules” in a Madonna-like accent. With lyrics that touch upon things like texting during a date and not making a lady wait…and that same lady “taking a pass,” it’s only months from now that we’re likely to hear the phrase, “….and the Grammy goes to……”
LuAnn should stick with what she’s good at and what she knows. You know, cheating on her husband and doing coke. A lot of it. Allegedly. My friend.
Here are other lyrics that she could be singing:
“LA Laker Girls….My Friend.”
“Elephants Will Burn….My Friend.”
“Annie’s Got a Perm…My Friend.”
“Ankle Bracelets Curl….My Friend.”
“Elvis’ Sister, Pearl….My Friend.”
“Empty Pants For Earl…My Friend.”
“Everybody’s World….My Friend.”
27
From Kodak to JCPenney, the Recession Hurts People
No matter how many times I see her, Jill Zarin always reminds me of the girl mouse from An American Tale. Anyfival, some of the Real Housewives of New York City got paid to show up at the Eco-Friendly Denim Drive at JCPenney in the Manhattan Mall over the weekend. Wow how the mighty have fallen. Jill Zarin, LuAnn de Levorced, and Kelly Bensimon all put on their best sh*t eating grins and took pictures with jeans because, you know, that’s what happens when you become a fauxlebrity.
Speaking of LuAnn, was anyone else surprised by the fact during last weeks Real Housewives that she was apartment hunting in NYC? And don’t get me wrong, but the apartments she was looking at started at $7500/month. Sure that’s a lot of money, but renting? Really? Didn’t her husband, the Count, like bang the Statue of Liberty or something? Wouldn’t she get a shat load of money from that divorce? She better marry up to some cash money, stat. I mean you can’t pretend you are French royalty and then look at a 800 sq foot apartment in the Lower East Side. It just make any kind of sense.
13
Ramona’s Runway Walk: Real Housewives of New York City
No news here. I just can’t wait for the upcoming episode of Real Housewives of New York City so that I can see Ramona Singer walking the runway during a fashion show in which she looks like Vicki the Robot from “Small Wonder” on an acid trip to Venus during the Civil War. Just me?
Special thanks to IBBB reader, Angela, who sent this Ramona gif to me. I’m sure it’s a virus and my computer will implode, but it’s worth it. I’m in the process of trying to hook up a projector to my laptop so that I can project this onto my wall on a constant loop that will run all the live long day. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and think that Ramona is coming after me. I mean, people may say that Ramona is crazy, but I say “I agree” when people say that. See what I did there?
Be sure to check out Ramona and the rest of the gang of the Real Housewives of New York City this Thursday night at 9pm on Bravo (and then on repeat all weekend long….all day…never ending…..you’ll know the words by heart by Sunday).
23
Crazies Who Hang Together, Stay Together
So when did these two become so buddy-buddy? Ramona Singer, her renewal, Alex McCord, and Alex’s Route 1 Ramada Inn bedspread all headed out to the grand opening of “Housing Work’s Hell’s Kitchen” yesterday in New York City. I have no idea what two of those words mean. Regardless, they were there mugging it up for the cameras and looking relieved that the likes of Jill Zarin and LuAnn de Levorced did not show up to the event.
So how crazy (eyes) is it that Ramona and Alex have become fast friends? Remember when Ramona hated her when amateur photos of Alex’s flapjack boobs showed up on the Interwebs? Those were the days. However, Ramona has set her sights higher on someone to hate, which is now the Countess LuAnn. I never mentioned this when the episode of Real Housewives of NYC aired, but how awesome was it when Jill called Ramona and had her on speaker phone while LuAnn was sitting there and Ramona was saying that LuAnn was a slut during her entire marriage. Brilliant. Unscripted. Raw. Entertaining. If I were running things at Bravo, I would have made sure that moving forward Ramona was only allowed to talk about people over speaker phone, as we really learned a lot. A lot.
Sidenote, how insane is Ramona’s house in the Hampton’s? Where the hell did they make all their money and, more importantly, can I have some?
12
So Does Ramona Make Money Every Time She Says, “Renewal?”
What is it about Ramona that makes me want to watch her on a constant loop? Ramona Singer and Alex McCord from Real Housewives of New York City stopped by Good Day NY (which may be the worst show on television next to Good Day LA) to talk about what’s been going on so far this season. Similar to my inability to watch “True Life: I Have Tourette’s” or “True Life: I Have OCD” as I believe I can catch those diseases through my TV simply by watching it, I notice my eyes start bugging out and twitching and I constantly change my seating position anytime I watch Ramona. I’m totally catching whatever the hell it is that she’s got.
02
Ramona Breaks News That Alex Isn’t Rich. In Other News, the Terrorists are Trying to Kill Us.
In keeping with Real Housewives “news”, Ramon Singer (the housewife I would most like to knock over a 7-11 with) catwalked her way onto the Wendy Williams Show which, sadly after Oprah and Tyra leave, is the future of daytime television (cue world implosion), to talk about the new season of Rel Housewives and how everyone basically hates each other. However, my favorite part is at the end where she let’s the scripted cat out of the scripted bag that Alex would be voted most likely to be pretend to be rich, but actually not have any money. Well, I said that, but Ramona confirms it.
I love how when asked questions Ramona looks like she’s having seizures all over the couch. And why the hell does she never finish one sentence before starting the next sentence? It’s like she has slurred tourettes! I still love her though, as I typically do love me some crazy.
26
Real Housewives of New York New Cast? If Ramona Gets Replaced, I Quit Life.
Blah. Even these photos look like they suck. The Real Housewives of New York attended their premiere party the other night at Tenjune in NYC. Fitting. So here’s the breakdown. We have Bethenny Frankel (the Stewie Griffin of the group), along with Ramona Singer, Ramona’s eyes, Alex McCord, Alex’s flapjack boobs, and a couple of newbies. One new cast member is Sonja Moran and the other is Jennifer Gilbert. I don’t know which is which and, honestly, I couldn’t give to sh*ts. All I know is that one looks like Marlee Matlin (and makes me already wish I was deaf) and the other one looks like if Lynne and Alexis from Real Housewives of Orange County merged into one skanked out trash-heap.
Not pictured is Jill Zarin, Kelly Bensimon, and LuAnn de Lesyphilis. However, Jill Zarin is talking about the 3rd season of Real Housewives and has said, “This season is like Opposite Day from last season. This season is ‘Bizarro Housewives.’ Bethenny and I were best friends, and now we’re not. Kelly and I weren’t friends, and now we are, and as you’ll see, there will be more ‘opposites.’ “
Thanks for explaining what “opposites” are, Jill. I know you think that the audience who actually watches this show wouldn’t know, but guess what? We almost do.
12
Real Housewives of New York City Preview: Ramona Dancing, Ramona Walking the Runway. Enough Said.
Every time I see a commercial on Bravo telling me it’s going to be an “explosive season” I never really believe it….until now. The Real Housewives of New York City starts up their new season on March 4th and I’m pretty sure they all hate each other. I’m also pretty sure that each housewife is trying to sell out an in a new an innovative way and, well, I guess technically I can’t hate on them for that. Did I just say “hate on them?” I’m the worst. Moving on. LuAnn tries her hand at singing and will most likely give Kim Zolciak a run for her court-ordered money. Bethany continues her Skinny Girl tour whilst also someone promoting her spinoff show. My favorite, Ramona, is seen dancing in multiple scenes, which pretty much makes the entire show….that is until I see the scene of Ramona walking the runway during a fashion show and staring us all down all whilst trying to keep her balance. I’d like to watch that on a constant loop if at all possible. Check out the preview clip for the upcoming season and let me know what you think. Or don’t. It’s fine. We’re on a break anyway.
12
No I Didn’t Draw This: Kelly Bensimon on the Cover of Playboy (Animated Edition?)
You know how I sometimes (aka “all the time”) photoshop pictures of Heidi Montag’s new head onto random objects like mannequins, beavers, and the like? Well, it looks like the folks over at Playboy basically did the same thing, but this time they tapped into the experts over at Hanna Barbera to help with the face of Kelly Bensimon.
The 2nd most allegedly medicated schizophrenic on Real Housewives of New York City did anything but get into good shape for her Playboy spread (giggity). Kelly told Us Magazine, “I literally drank beer — Corona — and ate chicken wings for two weeks!” Wow. Because nothing says “hot sex” quite like a beer belly spread eagle pose. Staaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhp Kelly, staaaaaaahp!
13
Bethenny Staaaaaahhhhp! Staaaaahhhhhp Bethenny, Staaaaaahhhhppp!
Real Housewives of New York City cast member, Bethenny Frankel, was promoting her pregnant ass off for her new book “The Skinnygirl Dish” at Barnes and Noble in Fort Lauderdale yesterday. B. Frank was also signing bottles of her very own Skinnygirl Margarita for anyone and everyone who would take it. If you listen very quietly you can almost hear Kelly Bensimon hoarsely yelling, “Staaaahhhp Bethany, staaaahhhpp!”
B. Frank is gearing up to shoot a baby out from her body, the new season of Real Housewives, and her upcoming spinoff reality show on Bravo currently titled, “Bethenny Getting Married?“ This chick is b-u-s-y! If she doesn’t take a minute to catch her breath she’ll end up giving birth in her toilet and being a guest on my other favorite TV show, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”
