More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of new jersey’

Real Housewives of New Jersey: I Once Knew a Girl Called the “Punta Princess” but For Other Reasons That We Won’t Get Into Here

I can honestly say I have no idea what the hell is going on with this show anymore.  Everyone is still in the Dominican and Caroline is still in bed for the 4th consecutive day.  She doesn’t even have the will to try and pretend she gives a Shasta what’s going on between Teresa and Kat.  I noticed myself looking at Caroline almost dead in her bed and I found myself jealous.  Back on the beach Teresa is fresh off her faux-fight with Kat over her kids being “UNATTENDED!” at the Christening.  I’m not sure what the big deal of Tre’s kids being unattended is because I’m pretty sure if anyone tried to pull anything with one of the kids, Milania would attack on command.  Also, she can smell fear so I know I wouldn’t mess with her.  I mean I’d probably try to poke at her with a stick from behind a fence, but that’s another story for another time.

Teresa has had enough time to cool off from the “fight’ and change into another gold swimsuit.  She looked like the guidette version of C-3PO, but only more robotic.  We didn’t get to see her change but we were all privileged to listen to Richie talk to Barney Rubble while he was dropping a deuce in the bathroom and talking a little smack about his crack-pot wife and, later, wipe his face with his nasty skid-marked bathing suit.  Or as they call it in Jersey, “a shower.”  Hey-oh!  I’m not really sure anyone seems to care about this argument and, clearly, I don’t so I’m going to move this right along.

Luckily after a few more drinks everyone is getting along again and Barney actually makes me laugh out loud, which I wasn’t aware that he could make me do.  He goes up to Doozer and says, “what’s the capitol of Thailand?”  and then before he can answer he shouts out “Bangkok” and punches Doozer in the nuts.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  How I have never heard that before is an absolute tragedy, especially since I have the sense of humor of a 9 year old.  After a few more chuckles and punches to the nutzels, Barney and Doozer have an official “height off” to finally figure out who exactly is the tallest.  Either way, the winner shouldn’t be bragging about being 5′3″, but I digress.  Someone should tell Barney to take the Chapter 11 paperwork out of his shoes because it’s giving him an unfair advantage.  See what I did there with bringing up the Chapter 11?  I think that’s called a full-circle joke, not to be confused with a full-circle-jerk, which I’m pretty sure is how Melissa and Joe got Bravo to cast them this season.  Am I insinuating that Melissa is with penis?  Perhaps.  I think she’s wearing those bandannas with every swimsuit so that we’re forced to look up at the top of her head and not down by her “gentlemen greeter” in case anything is poking out the sides.  I’m talking about balls.  Next.

Later, Caroline is brought back to life after her Demerol staycation in the hotel and has mustered up enough energy to go food shopping with the rest of the girls (and the alleged Level III) at the outdoor market because Teresa needs to do some research for her next cookbook.  Mmmm recipes from the Dominican!  Which page do I flip to in order to make the dish that gives me the sh*ts for 6 days?  Yum.  The outdoor market looks nothing like the cartoon-like drawings from my 6th grade Spanish book, which is a real disappointment.  There are dead animal heads thrown in the middle of the street, blood running down the road like a babbling brook of death, and nasty animals hanging from every which way.  Teresa is asking the people who don’t speak English if they’ve heard of her cookbook and they look at her like they can catch “bricks,” which I’m pretty sure I have simply by watching this season.  She ends up chasing Caroline up the street with a dead chicken and everyone squeals with delight.  Speaking of squealing with delight, the guys all go golfing so it only makes sense that Barney is golfing in his wife-beater with his gut hanging out and random black sneakers and shorts.  He definitely fits right in on the golf course.  Per usual, Doozer finds yet another moment to try and get naked in front of the camera crew and my stomach is left feeling unattended.  Everyone golfs horribly, but no one worse than Barney who, literally, takes dozens of swings and misses each and every time.  Once again I’m left looking at Albert Manzo and wondering, like I’m sure he is, what the holy hell he is (a) doing on this show, (b) doing on this trip, and (c) doing on this golf course with these Muppets.

The good times keep on rolling later when everyone meets up at the Hard Rock for dinner and the Brothers Manzo decide to hold a little contest to figure out who’s going to win the title of “Punta Princess.”  I once knew a girl called the “Punta Princess” but for reasons that I’m not allow to discuss here due to possible defamation of character.  If I even knew what either of those 2 words actually meant I could be dangerous.  Regardless, someone needs to be crowned with that title and Tre-bagger looks like she’s scared sh*tless to lose.  I think she thinks if she wins she’ll actually get to cut the ribbon at various car dealerships all across the beautiful state of New Jersey.  Plus, she’s likely to wear the crown and sash at her book signings.  I believe Kat won the award for “most creative” which is translation for “we’re giving you something because you’re old and not hot.”  It comes down to the wire and Tre and Melissa have to answer the tough question, “Who is the current vice president of the United States.”  Tre immediately thinks it’s Clinton and at one point someone shouts out “Cheney!”  I would have been like, “You’re both right and this is why you’re on a reality show.  Now hurry home and rest up because we’re doing flash cards 3 times a week.  We’ll borrow Milania’s.”  Next up for the tie-breaker, they must answer which continent Cairo is on.  Melissa guesses “Antarctica.”  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Someone take her children away from her immediately.  Plus, you know if Teresa had 2 more seconds to think about it she would have said, “any letter that isn’t a vowel.”  I’m kidding.  She doesn’t know her vowels…yet.  We’ll cover that during the flash card exercises.  P.S, did I mention that Barney kissed Tre’s rack when they entered the restaurant?  Yeah, uh, because he did.  He’s like school on Sunday…no class.  Hey oh!

We somehow hurry home back to “The America” and get ready for Melissa’s grand performance of “On Display” at some hole-in-the-wall dive-bar.  She’s the main attraction for the Brothers Manzo big water event.  Everyone shows up for this event:  Bangs, Eyebrows, Mortadella, Spray-Tan, and Chains.  You know, the usual crew.  Caroline is so proud of her sons that she’s decided to rock her new signature Squiggy hairdo from Laverne & Shirley.  Yeah, keep trying to make that hairdo happen.  Meanwhile Melissa, who is dressed like Paula Abdul circa 1991 is ready to perform her pretend hit single “On Display” in front of a packed crowed.  But before she can go out there she needs to get on her knees and pray to Jesus and her father…all whilst dressed like a leather whore with her boobs hanging out.  You know Jesus was thinking, “Even Mary Magdalene had more modesty than that!”   Alas, Melissa gets out there and “sings” her new song.  It’s odd how she has the same exact voice as Kim Zolciak.  Do you just buy that voice when you’re recording your Bravo songs?  It’s like, “Yeah, I’ll take 1 Zolciak voice and a leather bra, thanks!”  The dance moves were hot as well.  And by “hot” I, of course, mean that she was basically just doing a half-a-running-man and then petering out.  Everyone seemed to enjoy it though and even Barney, at the end, kind of gave Melissa a compliment by saying that he couldn’t do what she just did.  And America all let out a collective sigh of relief.

In the end, Tre ends up asking Kat to go outside so that they can talk and smooth things over.  The best part of that is that Kat’s sister, Rosie (the unsung hero of this entire season) is dressed with a pirates do-rag and stares Teresa down the entire time from inside the bar, looking out at her through the window, biting her lip, and shaking her head up and down like she’s ready to throw down at a moments notice.  Could she be Milania’s mother?  I think that’s more likely.  Like NeNe once said, “We gonna take a DNA, that’s what we gonna do.”  I think they should do that.  Move over Laverne & Shirley (and Squiggy) because Milania & Rosie will be taking over before you know it…as long as my letter writing campaign to Bravo pays off!

#UNATTENDED!

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Let’s Be Grateful that Milania Isn’t Turning 12 or Gia’s Song Could Still Be Going On

I’m not sure what happened to this train-wreck, but it’s certainly not the same show I remember and loved where tables were flipped and everyone was afraid that Danielle Staub was going to kidnap their kids and enter them into a life of prostitution (whore).  This season is filled with Kat’s desserts and Caroline’s kids.  I can’t think of anything worse.  Therefore let’s talk about the only 2 things worth discussing from last nights crapisode which is, of course, Milania getting ready her for 5th birthday party and two beautiful songs from Gia (z-snap).

Milania, oh Milania.  What a real treat she is on her 5th birthday.  She’s like a truck driver in heat and I wouldn’t want her any other way.  Tre-bagger is busy trying to comb her Tasmanian Devil hair and Milania wants no part of it.  This includes ripping the comb out of Tre’s hand and throwing it on the bed followed by your standard tantrum over her not wanting to wear the Punky Brewster outfit that Tre is making her wear for her birthday party.  She, instead, wants to wear some pink puffy Little Bo Peep dress that she’s already worn once and she wants to wear it now.  I firmly believe she wants to wear the Little Bo Peep dress because she wants to go out into the meadow and slaughter dozens of sheep with her bare hands.  By the way, if you ever wondered what Sam Kinison looked like with a tan and in a dress, well, wonder no more.  RHONJ makes all of our dreams come true week after week.

After Milania throws a fit over the dress I was figuring we’d have to add her picture to the back of a milk carton because she went missing in the Guidice mansion.  Which room could she be in?  There’s not enough time to check all the rooms so just cut your losses and know that you have about 16 other daughters to choose from elsewhere in the house.  Alas, Tre did end up finding Milania who was half-under the desk which I assumed was an unsuccessful suicide attempt.  With her legs sticking out from under the desk she looked like the witch from the Wizard of Oz but, you know, meaner and scarier.  I jest.  Me gusta Milania (which, by the way should definitely be the name of her spinoff show…think about it, Bravo).

I’m also not sure how these kids learn anything because Teresa can barely get a grasp on the English language herself.  At one point she calls Milania’s crown her “cray-own” and then later she says that Milania looks like a princess and says, and I quote,”You look like a princess.   Princess Milania at your servant.”  I’m sorry, what?  Can your next book be a dictionary?  And, since the Guidice’s are “sans money” they’re having Milania’s 5th birthday at Barney’s pizza place.  To make things worse the camera man just keeps getting close-up shots on a stack of paper plates that have a huge $0.99 sticker on the front of it.  The scandal!  Gia got the pink limo from hell on her birthday, but for my favorite’s birthday she’s basically forced to walk through the streets of New Jersey until she gets to the pizza place and has to have a slice and stare at the balloons that were probably left over from the “grand opening.”  Poor kid.  Literally.

After trusting Milania with a mini roller and making her own pizza, which I believe she made with human blood and blond weave from some b*tch she fought in the parking lot, it’s time for Gia (z-snap) to sing her two songs that she wrote for this special occasion.  I’m actually already suffering from secondhand embarrassment as I type this.  Gulp.  How old is Gia?  I’m concerned because I can’t figure out if she’s young enough that these “songs” are supposed to be “cute” or if she’s old enough that she thinks these songs will land her a record deal a la Kim Zolciak.  Maybe her first song will be “Money Can’t Buy the Guidice’s Mortgage Payments, I’m Serious We Need Help, Please Send Money” but with, you know, like a catchy dance beat to it.  Until then, we’re left with her first song which I believe is titled “Milania.”  Fitting.  First off, Gia is singing it like she’s belting out a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at the Superbowl.  I, myself, want to open up my apartment window and jump the F out and take my chances at night on the mean streets of NYC.  The song, says things like, “Milania, Milania, I remember when you were first born.  First you were one, then you were two, then you were three, then you were four, now you are five…”  Dear Jesus Claus, help us all.  The terrorists have officially won.  Then she’s Mariah Carey’ing her way through some deep lyrics about Milania doing gymnastics and resting her toes.  At one point, Caroline just has to turn her head because she’s laughing.  Please, if Lauren was singing a song she wrote to Vito whilst they made “Mozzarel” in the kitchen, Caroline would be tearing up and designing them bracelets to wear.  However, I agree with Caroline and start to laugh myself.  Then I cry because my life has come to this on a Sunday night.

I’m proud of Milania for not knifing Gia during the first song.  However, things take a..uh…serious turn during the second song.  I first thought it was called “Ugly Cry” because that’s what happened after she belted out the first note.  Then I realized the song was this cry for help about her mom and “Zio Joe” and their made-for-tv situation.  I was wondering how Gia was going to find words to rhyme with “Doozer” but then began to understand that this song would have no rhyming words at all.  In fact, it oddly sounds like this other sing I recently heard called “Milania.’  You may be familiar with it already.  Seriously, this song is terribly sad and, well, terrible all at the same time.  Something about putting on makeup and going to school and worrying about her family.  I just wish she got to the second verse which, most likely, would have dealt with other heart wrenching topics like Chapter 11 and that one time her dad drunkenly did a flip in the hallway and broke half his front tooth.  It could have been called, “Money for Daddy’s New Tooth.”   I’d donate.

Seriously, everyone looked like a deer in headlights during the song.  I mean, Kat normally looks like that anyway but you could tell she was also effected by this “song.”  Everyone tells Gia what a great job she did and what a wonderful singer she is, which is only going to add fuel to the fire and one day force Teresa to turn into the Kris Jenner of New Jersey.  I actually think it’s depressing that a little girl is writing about how her family is a bunch of a-holes and putting it to music.  I can’t wait to buy it on iTunes.  Hopefully Gia can pave the way for Milania to record a hardcore gangsta rap album that will, God willing, be available for download by Christmas.

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa and the Amazing Technicolor Fur Coats

RHONJ and Jersey Shore all on the same night?  Yowza!  I love when there are only shows about New Jersey on “the television!”  Here are some important topics to go over from last nights Real Housewives of New Jersey (ingredientses sold separately):

Rosie is Totally Boober from Fraggle Rock  - I only want to live in a world where Rosie, Kat’s sister, stars in her own show where she does shots, sports her trademark scally-cap, and gives the devil horns on the regular.  She is, for me, the shows unsung hero and may or may not actually be the real life version of Boober from Fraggle Rock.  What’s even better is that I’m pretty sure this season of RHONJ is loosely based on Fraggle Rock as I’ve been calling Joe Guidice a Doozer, now Rosie is Boober, and technically there are “Gorgs” on Fraggle Rock too and RHONJ has “Gorga’s“  A coincidence?  I think not.  Anysprokets, it’s Richie’s birthday so they take him to the place where they filmed Aladdin and Rosie busts out on the dance floor throwing down dollar bills next to the belly dancers and has a hell of a time.  Long live Rosie!  If she’s not brought out during the reunion episode I’m suing Andy Cohen for defamation of character (??) and also for pretending that he hasn’t been slowly coloring his hair from gray back to black.  Oh, and can everyone at the party stop pretending that the hookah is like smoking crack?  You have a better chance of getting a stronger buzz off of snorting Aderol and taking shots of Kiwi-Strawberry wine coolers.  Just a guess.

Teresa Murdered the Pink Panther, Skinned Him, and Is Now Wearing Him as a Coat - I’m not sure if Teresa technically murdered the Pink Panther or if Barney just “fell asleep at the wheel” and crashed into him, but either way Teresa’s fur coat is one for the Pimp Daddy Record Books, which exists I believe.  I guess these are the type of “bare basic” purchases for survival you have to make when you’re $19 million in debt, filed for Chapter 11, and may possibly face jail time.  Teresa says she’s wearing it because she has to be the center of attention, but she could achieve the same goal simply by trying to fill out a 4th graders phonics sheet in front of a crowd of people.

Why Did Ashley Draw the Campbell’s Soup Kid on Lauren’s T-Shirts?  - It’s the night of Lauren Manzo’s big pointless makeup bar party at the Chateau and all of New Jersey’s finest is there!  There’s Fatty, Slob, Gut Over the Belt, and Gold Chains.  Everyone made it!  And, at the 11th hour, even Ashley came through with some beautiful t-shirts for Lauren.  I couldn’t believe it when they turned the t-shirt around and revealed what I could only assume was one of the Campbell soup kids sporting whore red lipstick.  Terrible.  If I were Lauren I would have kept those t-shirts to tie around her waist when she’s experiencing heavy flow during “ladies days.”  Either that or to mop up the blood and other evidence when Jacqueline actually murders Ashley (preferably next season).

Supermarket Sweep with Milania - The producers/editors are doing a great job of incorporating Milania in as much of this show as possible.  I mean, if no one is going to flip a table or pull out someones weave then this is, sadly, our next best bet.  Tre-bagger is taking the girls food shopping which means that Milania is turning into a well-balanced mix of Animal from the Muppets and the Tasmanian Devil where she just destroys the F out of the supermarket like she’s the little girl version of Hurricane Irene.  Too soon?  From climbing up onto the fruit stands with her snow boots to grabbing as many TV dinners as her little hands can carry at one time, Milania doesn’t disappoint.  Perhaps my favorite part, however, is when Tre thinks it’s a good idea to stop the food shopping process to call her brother to invite him to her book signing all while the girls are just supposed to stand there in the supermarket and be well behaved.  Yeah, 4 year olds love that.  Therefore, Milania climbs up onto the freezer section and eventually falls into it like she’s baby Jessica going for a quick dip into that pesky well.  Tre-bagger yells at her for a second but then when customers slowly walk by her giving them the side-eye she tells Milania that she’s such a good girl.  I firmly believe that even Tre doesn’t want to cross her.  I actually don’t blame her.

Only Serial Killers Go to a Book Signing - Snow storm shmo-storm!  Teresa has her book signing at 5pm sharp so it only makes sense that she shows up 30 minutes late.  I mean, I can’t say the people in line can really be that pissed as they’re waiting for Teresa Guidice to sign their cookbook so, well, what else can they really have going on in their lives?  Also, Tre is dressed like “a horse of a different color” with another dyed fur coat so there’s also that.  Now there’s a lot of scripted drama around this book signing because she finally technically invited her brother, Doozer, to it and apparently Barney was text messaging him that if he shows up to the book signing he’s going to wire his mouth shut because, you know, that makes sense.  Once Doozer and our middle aged Fly Girl, Melissa, show up 2 hours after the book signing is technically over he wants Tre-bagger to write a special message for him in his cookbook.  Tre is sitting there thinking and thinking of what to write and suddenly she busts out into the panicky ugly-cry just like this one girl in my 6th grade class used to do when the nun wouldn’t let her leave the blackboard until she successfully finished her long-division problem.  No lie, this girl ended up pissing her uniform and then got yelled at.  So that, my friends, is what a Catholic education is all about.  But back to Tre.  She ends up writing that she loves her brother more than anything and misses him.  Awww that’s nice.  I actually kinda believe that because Tre is legit fighting back tears and, let’s face it, she can’t act (i.e, tanning commercial) so we know she must mean this.  Doozer ends up ruining the nice moment by being a Cindy Brady tattle tail and spilling the beans to Tre that Barney threatened him via text.  I mean, the fact that Barney even knows how to text is amazing.  With his fat sausage fingers I’m surprised all of the text messages didn’t look like, “ereo ituvsh0 miejrtwoe!”

Drunken Joe Guidice Scenes are the Best!  - The last 5 minutes of the show were the absolute best.  Barney is having a party back at the future Foreclosure Castle all whilst Tre is out making money with her book signing.  By the time Tre gets back home Barney is three sheets to the wind and doesn’t disappoint.  First off, their house is so God-damn big that little girls are literally running up and down the halls doing gymnastic flips onto a multi-colored mat and so drunken Barney decides to try his hand at a flip.  He legit tries to run, throws his legs over his head, lands on his back, flips onto his stomach on the marble floor and does a face plant onto the tile where he chips his front tooth.  Gia, for reasons that I still don’t understand, starts hysterically screaming and crying like Barney just got sent back to jail and made a boyfriend.  She should have used all that energy to practice saying “Derrick!” and hopefully land a future roll in a “Rock” movie.  Here’s to wishing.

Moments later after Barney is missing half his tooth he gets back to the wine and starts slurring and spitting over how much he hates Teresa’s brother.  At one point he says that Doozer is jealous of Tre because he’s short and Tre is taller than him.  That makes sense if we had a time machine and went back to 1982 when these jokers were 5 and 8 and actually cared about that kind of thing.  Barney then calls Melissa’s family “white trash from down the shore” and I found myself squealing with delight.  Then, per usual, he throws in some derogatory slurs about Doozer and then we got to the text messages, which by far were my favorite part.  I wouldn’t have believed it if i didn’t see it with my own eyes. First off Barney has Teresa’s brother programmed into his phone as “Faggot.”  No joke.  Bravo had to blur that out.  Then apparently the message from Joe Gorga to Joe Guidice said, “Stupid ass I just realized what ur tex said.”  I mean, it’s not surprising that Doozer had a hard time understanding the text, although I’m not sure he actually knows it’s called a “text” and not a “tex.”  Either way, Barney writes back to him with, and I quote, “Watch who you call stupid ass before I put your jaw on one of those metal cages.”  I’m sorry, what?  What the hell does that even mean?  Did he mean “wire his mouth shut?”  I is be confuzed.

All I know is that a druken Barney speaks horribly to Tre and does that in front of company and cameras.  At least Tre-bagger tried to defuse the situation by telling him to stop talking to her like that and that they’re both adults (I want to see some ID).  Even the people at the “party” were giving him the side-eye except for when they all learned that someone pulled Joe’s mothers hair at the Christening and then some yenta squeals out, “They pulled his mutha’s haaaaair?!”  Why there was only 5 minutes of this scene when I could have easily watched 42 minutes of it is beyond me.

Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Anti-Semite Norwegian Storm

Spoiler Alert:  Most of this episode is about Bonk Ashley again, so as opposed to skipping this entire recap for a second week in a row, let’s review some of the things we learned this week on “Real Housewives of a Place Where People Use to Punch at Each Other, Now They Just Attend Lame Parties.”

I’m Not One for Terrorism, But… – I’m not one for “the terrorism” that “the kids” are wild about these days, but if Ashley has plans to make a new life for herself in California then maybe, just maybe, those pesky terrorists should consider lighting up their underwear and shoes over there vs. the east coast.  Get creative, dress like Kim Kardashian and ignite a fake ass and take out at least 12 blocks.  Sky is the limit.  Anywhereisashleysnewnose, Ashley continues to be a grade A C-word all whilst her family and the camera crew are still at the restaurant (that they’re probably not likely to be asked back to).  And poor Jacqueline is still trapped in the basement with one camera man where she just keeps on uncontrollably hyperventilating and crying.  She sounds like horses running from a barn fire.  Ironically, she kind of resembles one too.  More importantly Ashley’s whole life could have taken a different direction if her step-mom, who looks like a pageant mom, entered our little Jon-Benet into a “Little Miss Giant Head” competition.  Instead we’re left with a big b*tch with a variety of hats that are “on trend” for about 2 days.  Thanks Texas!

Laws Are Just Merely Suggestions – In case you forgot there were other people on this show besides Ashley and Jacqueline, Teresa is on it too.  Tre-bagger and Barney Rubble head out to see their lawyer so that their lawyer can basically talk to the Bravo cameras and explain to “The America” just exactly what is going on with their little court case.  For some reason Tre-bagger is dressed like Betty Boop to go to the law office and Barney looks like he’s wearing the B.U.M Equipment sweatshirt that he wants to be buried in.  Apparently Tre-bagger is free of all charges but Barney, on the other hand, is going to have to pay his ex-partner (Fred?) $260,000 for evidently forging his signature on some documents.  Barney thinks that because he admitted to forging the signature it’s ok, but a few people like “the judge” and “people who made the laws” think it’s not so, well, it’s time to sell Gia, Gabriella, and Capicola on the black market in order to pay off this debt.  Either that or get Milania her own show and let her start earning for the family.  Reality TV shows for kids is the new paper route.  However, my favorite part was during Teresa’s one on one interview when she said (about Barney), “Some of my Jewish friends said, ‘I would have left him in a second.’”  So, for those of you playing along at home, Teresa is insinuating that Jewish people are in it for the money.  Please send her hate mail to: P.O Box 555…

You Know They’re Reaching When “Zen Jen” Makes a Comeback Appearance – Ugh.  Somebody, punch someone!  Caroline, slap the face off Ashley?  Please, anybody!  Do something!  We do not need to live in a Housewives world where Zen Jen gets 6 minutes of air-time smudging Kat’s house.  I mean, it was nice to get a flashback of Dina, but still.  If Zen Jen is going to smudge anything it should be the Gamlour Shots of Kat’s daughter that are hung all around the house.  Oh, and smudge everyone’s  oversized teeth.  Those need special spiritual attention.

I’m Doing Flash Cards with Teresa…STAT! – Is Tre-bagger like those old Italian families who back in 1920 never made it past 2nd grade?  No really, is she?  While I do love me some Teresa, she’s bricks.  Whilst at Kat’s pointless Goddess party (where they eat tiny dixie cups of Mediterranean food off of chandeliers) Tre-bagger shows up, barely says hello to Kat, and then starts talking about the weather, including a pending snowstorm that she has brilliantly called  “a Norwegian” instead of a “Nor’easter.”  How this chick was able to cut and paste her mom’s recipes into a cookbook and make it into a New York Times Best Seller is beyond me.  Although, a “Norwegian” does sound refreshing especially in the dead of the winter so hopefully she’s on to something.  Or on something.

Speaking of a Goddess Party…Why? – I’m not entirely understanding what a goddess party is, why Kat is on this show, why this segment is getting about 15 minutes of air time, and why my NYC studio apartment appears to be bigger than Kat’s house.  These are all questions that I have and I want answers, damn it!  Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, Tre is fresh off a “court win” (as she thinks) and is ready to throw down with anyone.  She picks a fight with Melissa over her saying that they haven’t spoken in years even though Melissa attended one of her 300 kids christenings and then later she’s making little comment under her breath about the parsley in Kat’s salad that she was “forced” to eat.  Had there actually been enough room in the living room for a table and they weren’t forced to eat off their laps, Teresa looks like she was ready to flip one.  Ugh, those were the days.  Tre-bagger even calls out Melissa for trying to become friends with Kim G even though they knew that she was trying to start trouble with Teresa.  Here’s the thing, I firmly believe that Teresa is pissed over the fact that Melissa and Kat are on this show at all and that they’re willing to do scenes with Kim G just to get more airtime and that pisses Tre off.  But she can’t seem to say that so she talks complete rag-time-bull-sh*t about other junk that doesn’t matter.  Either way, to diffuse the situation Kat has Tila Tequila come out from the other room dressed like Princess Jasmine and start belly-dancing for no reason whatsoever.

I Don’t Want to Eat There – Bonus information includes the idea that Tre-bagger and Barney are opening their own restaurant where Teresa will “be the hostess” and “dress in large gowns.”  No really, she said that.  So basically it’s going to be like a Red Lobster with marinara. By the way, if they have another kid they should totally name her Marinara.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!

Tre is Killing it Tonight – Who knew millions of dollars in debt would make Teresa comical?  While (still) at the Goddess party, Tre makes fun of the backless shirt with chains that Melissa is wearing and says during her one on one interview, “It’s Boardwalk…definitely something they sell on the Jersey Shore.”  Brilliant.  I think I’m going to start using that to describe things from this point forward, “It’s Boardwalk.”  For example, this recap is Boardwalk.

Good News/Bad News, Ashley Finally Gets Kicked Out of the House…But Not Out of the Country – In the end, since Ashley is dead inside and is going to burn in the firey pits of hell for all eternity, Chris and Jacqueline decide to kick Ashley out of their house now so that she can move to California and hit rock bottom.  See you in porn followed by a short stint in Celebrity Rehab.  I’m kidding.  She’s not a celebrity so, well, see you in regular rehab!  I’ll be the one there with the Red Sox hat on talking about his addiction to Rosie from the same show you were on.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Wait a Sec…

42 minutes of a mix between Ashley being a douche and the Manzo family getting in shape?  No thank you.