More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of new jersey’
For someone who may be heading up the river for a spell, Barney Rubble is certainly living the life. Every crapisode is like Driving Miss Daisy as Teresa typically needs to cart him around town. Sure it’s because, by law, he’s not allowed to drive but I like to pretend the real reason is that he can’t see over the steering wheel and needs a step-stool just to get into the car. It makes it more fun that way. So in order to not break tradition, Teresa is escorting Barney to a vineyard where Teresa will come up with a “formula” for a new drink she is “making” that will be called a Fabilini. It’s a Belini but, spoiler alert, (cue Audriana) it’s faaaaaaabulous! Seriously it’s not even made yet and I already think it takes like Teresa’s hairline and financial desperation. And peach. This new product is going to be trickier to make than I originally thought because Teresa first needs to figure out what a “vineyard” is. Plus, she keeps talking about creating this “formula” like she’s doing stem cell research and is on the brink of a cure for stupidity. She really is the Mr. Wizard of our generation.
The color of the Fabilini is really important to Teresa as is the taste. That’s odd since those are pretty much what makes up a drink. Go figure. She wants to make sure it doesn’t taste too much like diet like the Skinny Girl margarita does. Please. If she could sell something like Bethenny did with the Skinny Girl for $120 million I’m sure Teresa would add clumps of Milania’s DNA if it were required. Whilst at the “vineyard” and creating a “formula” Tre-bagger keeps talking about her standard “ingredientses” to which the worker stares at her blankly and says, “first it’s ‘ingredients.” Tre and Barney both looked like they smelled burnt toast. Barney is sure to taste-test every single drink, get lit, and make everyone at the vineyard and “The America” very uncomfortable. Everyone looked like, “Why is that little husky boy drinking alcohol?” Seriously, he should be seated in a highchair at all times. Regardless, don’t be worried if you don’t drink booze because Teresa hasn’t forgotten about you at all. She also plans on selling aprons, pasta, and sauce in the near future. Phew! She’s like a traveling knives salesman…with a 4th grade education. So, same/same.
Meanwhile, other things are happening in this episode too. Apparently Lauren Manzo might rent out the space where the Chateau was for her awesome business where she’ll put makeup on your face so that you look just like her. Young and healthy. Since this season is lacking a bit, they decided to edit in some old seasons of Danielle and Dina for reasons that I can’t fully get my mind around, but totally appreciate. It really made me long for the days when we could hear an old lady get confused between the correct use of women/woman. Sadly we’re now forced to follow the career goals of the Manzo siblings and, yes, it’s just as yawny as it sounds.
Speaking of late in life careers, Melissa, Doozer, and some music dude decide to work on her career independently and get it really big before going to the record labels. Apparently they seem to think there will be a bidding war between major labels for Melissa’s talent. I totally believe that. I mean, you know how the entertainment industry always is looking to invest in new talent in their late 30’s. Because at the end of the day what we really need is another Susan Boyle but, you know, with auto-tune. Melissa is also busy having a photoshoot at her house which includes her sporting some Solid Gold dancers dress and laying down on her dining room table that is covered with rose petals. Toss in a feather boa and you have yourself a standard Glamour Shots scenario. Speaking of which, I would pay top dollar to see Rosie in some Glamour Shots photos. So someone make that happen. Anyway, the photoshoo was as awkward as you could imagine and I’m pretty sure there was no explanation of why this shoot was taking place. Eh, maybe she’s just trying to update her Facebook default.
Since this show has turned into one giant informercial, Kat is busy having a dessert tasting next door to a cemetery since she is trying to get some dessert company to sell her crap for her. I guess. I actually don’t care but figured I should mention it. Everyone shows up to this parking lot event, which means all Manzo siblings and their creeptastic friend will be there. Lauren is sure to let loose the crazy by admitting that she thinks every time she eats in public people are looking at her. I mean, we are. But still. Keep that crazy to yourself. Tre brings a new friend to the event and is trying to bring up the dig that Kat made towards Tre at her book signing about some of the recipes in it being Kat’s mothers. Who cares. It’s like a cook book for cookies and water. It could have been anyone’s recipe. At least we got to see Teresa give air kisses to Caroline and Jacqueline and, well, that was worth it because Caroline looked like she could catch poverty. Truth be told, I think you can. That’s why you should always wear a surgical mask when you’re out in public.
I know I say it all the time, but I don’t fully know what this show is about anymore. Chris Laurita (I think that’s his name) is having all the guys over to his home so they can talk about their upcoming trip to Napa and also film it. All the usuals are there…Doozer, Barney, Saul. You know, the regulars. They’re all chit-chatting like girls on the rag in homeroom and want everyone to get along on the trip. Sure Barney seemed like he was three-sheets to the wind, but at least he called out the fact that no one likes Teresa anymore and he doesn’t care. I wonder if they’ll allow him to watch Real Housewives in prison? I’m sure the guys in the slammer would love that. At one point an argument ensues between Barney and Doozer about power tools that were borrowed and never returned. Minutes later Barney is giving digs at Saul for pumping gas years ago and Saul sasses back that Barney was making pizzas just 6-months ago. How there weren’t any z-snaps during any of this is beyond me. Remember when this show used to be good?
Where the hell have you all been? Oh wait. I was the one who was missing. Well I’m back from my 9 day voyage to Boston (my homeland) and am ready to recap the absolute cat piss out of this episode of Real Housewives. Sure I’ve missed the past 3 or 4 weeks of this season but the truth is that I may or may not have blacked out most of the summer. To catch us all up, everyone is still greasy. Like, really greasy. Like, you if you high-fived anyone from the cast while standing at the top of a flight of stairs you would have a 98.4% chance of sliding down the entire staircase. Also, Lauren is still trying to lose weight. Oh, and everyone is still absolutely horrific, horrific people. I’m talking like garbage heaps. Of course Rosie is excluded from this and, well, Milania. Everyone else will be roasting in hell (which I always assumed was just actually New Jersey) and you want to know what? I’ll be there too…as will you. The way I see it is that we’ll all sit around and just recap the latest people being sent to hell. It’ll be pretty fun. In fact, if they served iced-coffee and that new Oreo donut from Dunkin’ Donuts I would consider going there now. For real, how insane is that donut?! Anyway…here’s what went down (excluding the combined total of typical Manzo blood pressure) last night on Real Housewives of It Doesn’t Matter Where.
Things kick off with Milania making my actual life worth living. Barney Rubble wants to know if Teresa and her brother are “cured” now that they’ve gone to see a therapist on national television…just like Heidi and Spencer did before their demise. I think they’re as “cured” as Barney is “not guilty” in his upcoming legal showdown. That was like one of those questions they give you on the SATs. Ugh as if any of you or I scored higher than a 620 on our SATs. Either way, Milania makes sure to call her daddy a piece of poop a half of dozen times all whilst Teresa’s hairline tries to run from the kitchen. You know what I think would be awesome? If they did those one on one interviews with all of Teresa’s children. Then we’d really find out what was going on behind the scenes. For some reason I think we’d learn that Barney is breastfeeding the littlest in the Lollipop Guild. Clearly Barney would like to welcome you to Munchkin Land.
Meanwhile I know you’re all on the edge of your puffy leather couches wondering what else Lauren Manzo could be working on besides trying to get her head to grow larger than Rosie O’Donnell’s. Well, besides her pending lap band surgery Lauren and her mother are opening up a business that I’m pretty sure is called something like “Caface” because it’s supposed to be a cafe for your face. Catchy, but how about Bullbrain? You know, because watching this is like a “bullet to the brain?” Caroline is putting up a lot of money to turn an apparent Fashion Bug in a Jersey strip mall into a spa-like place so that Lauren can feel like she’s successful and can really “make it on her own.” Daddy buys lap band and Mommy buys a business for you. You’re really living the American Dream, trash box. Lauren seems to really take good care of herself so I’m certain she’ll take just as good care of you. Don’t be surprised if she gives you a “mozarell” facial and Twinkie scrub. Truth be told, both of those things sound awesome. And while she’s providing you those services, Vitoo is in the side room slicing you a half pound of honey turkey sliced thin. #DreamBig.
Oh. And before I forget about my own self-promotion, don’t forget to nominate me for the Watch What Happens Live Bartender contest. I’m sure it goes against the rules to nominate me, but click here to learn more and help me sell out. You’ll hate it! Ole!
It’s also Melissa’s daughter’s 6th birthday. She’s already as tall as Doozer, which is sweet. Melissa isn’t really doing anything big for her birthday except installing a couple of bouncy houses and some giant caterpillar that is about the same size as two football fields and the children can play in. You know, it’s basically the same as your birthday party when you were little. I wonder if instead of playing “pass the orange with your neck” they’ll play “shred Uncle Guidice’s papers in a jiffy!” Fun for all! Moreover, Melissa is dressed like a pig in heat for her daughter’s party. Remember when your mom used to wear 6 inch heals and a tight blue dress to your parties? Me too. Because, at the end of the day, it’s all about her. Perhaps she’s just feeling flashy because she’s going to be “performing” at some summer concert in Jersey that supposedly is a big deal. In fact she has Chris Judd teaching her how to dance just like he did Michale Jackson. Yeah, and look where that landed Jackson? Maybe he should teach half the cast and just let the chips fall where they may (spoiler alert: In Lauren’s mouth). However, before we get to that mess Teresa is really trying to become friends with her brother and Melissa because she has no one else to film scenes with. In case everyone missed it the therapist wants them to “forget about the past and more forward.” Oh, and he also wants them to have Sunday dinners again…but only when the cameras are up. Once they stop filming they can take a Shasta McNasty on their dining room table for all anyone cares.
I’m not quite sure really what else is happening in this episode but they’re really going with that whole Gorga/Guidice competition and this time they’re putting Gia (z-snap) against Melissa to see who is going to have the better Jersey concert performance. I mean, in the end they both really lose because, again, they’ll be performing in New Jersey. I also thought that’s the place the kids on American Idol went to perform when they didn’t make the top 10. Perhaps I’m wrong. Either way Melissa, of course, will be singing to her own song played back to her on stage all whilst her forehead sweats and Gia, of course, will be dancing her ass off like she’s the sole provider in her house which, truth be told, she just may be. Gia’s dance rehearsal was just as trashtastic as I imaged it would be. I’m not joking when I say she and her class are doing the same dance moves that Stephanie Tanner used to do when the writers would write in some “dance scenes.” Thanks to the “running man” being inserted into the beginning of the dance I immediately knew this was a dance I can and will mimic in a future drunken night for myself. Look out New York because “the snake” is coming! I didn’t mean that to sound as gross as it did but, hell, I’m keeping it because it’s like two jokes in one. Gia did a wonderful job with her “dancing.” I think she kept on beat once or twice and her face looked like she just saw Barney doing naked lunges with his prison-mate. By the end of the “rehearsal” she gets chosen to dance on stage…just like one day Milania will have to do during her typical “Eggs and Legs” shift once she’s “18.”
The rest of the episode is pretty gay. And I mean that literally. Rosie (genuflect) is bringing some chick she met at a bar to dinner to meet her family. That was pretty quick. She didn’t know her name 5 minutes ago but now she’s at dinner and on camera. I was surprised when they set the table they didn’t have forks, knives, and scissors at everyone’s place setting. I mean, did you really think I wasn’t going to toss in my obligatory scissors reference? Oh and don’t worry America because Rich/Saul is ok with Rosie being a lesbian because he “goes after the same thing as them.” Why he didn’t mention the fact that he also dresses like a lesbian comedienne circa 1987 is beyond me. He’s like the Paula Poundstone of our generation. He also lets everyone know that Rosie’s mother just wants to be happy whether she’s just friends with this new chick or even performing the old national pastime “muff diving.” Truth be told I was surprised you could say that on television but I applaud Rich for raising the bar. P.S., I love how the Wakile kids can’t seem to sit there without their mouths ajar. It’s a nice trait to have. Oh, and I genuinely love how Rosie looks like she’s in heat all during dinner. Odd that they’re eating sausage though. Perhaps the mother is trying one last time to see if Rosie is interested. A for effort.
The remainder of the episode consists of the Manzo brothers and their creepy Level III friend celebrating his birthday and having Albie (grow up and get a real name) introducing his new girlfriend to his sister and mother. I couldn’t care any less about any of this if I tried. I’d rather listen to Teresa try to recite the real words of the Pledge of Allegiance for 60 full minutes all whilst some Indian woman tried to thread her hairline back a few hundred yards. Want to do the running man with me sometime? Well then click here to join me on Facebook and let’s be dumb friends who do stuff like that on the regular.
It’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for! Of course I’m saying this because we finally get an update on Lauren Manzo’s diet! Phew! To be honest I was worried for a little bit. I mean, I think an entire week went by without us knowing if she was still on the egg white diet or if she did, in fact, call Jenny. Well I have some really sad news to report. Lauren has waved the white flag with her egg white diet. Apparently she was supposed to drink from a chicken’s ass every day for the rest of her life just so she could lose 1 pound per week. She thinks she can just watch what she eats and all will be right with the world. Caroline fully supports this decision, but not before she calls Lauren “chunk-a-monk” to her facia bruta. She might as well just hand Lauren a long-handled tooth brush and give her a wink and let the chips fall where they way (all over the toilet seat, most likely). I’m not sure why Lauren always says that she feels like the odd Manzo out especially when everyone thinks her brothers are so good looking. Really? Do people actually think this? I always though them to be what Nicky and Alex would look like had they grown up and Full House was still on the air. No? Either way.
The was a lot of other filler in this episode, per usual, like Kat driving over to Melissa’s castle to chat with her and her sisters on their front stairs about Teresa’s latest magazine cover. I think it’s totally believable that simply hanging out on the stairs requires a new outfit and full hair and makeup. To sum it up, this is officially the best day of “the sisters” lives. Oh, and let’s not forget that we also get to see the Manzo siblings ordering pizza on a rainy New Jersey day. I’m not kidding. It was at least 5 minutes of this episode. I mean, this really is “on the edge of your seat” kind of television. Did they order extra cheese? Will Lauren eat the pepperoni? Whose half-eaten sub is that? All questions that made me sweat whilst my eyes were pealed. Spoiler Alert: Lauren did not eat the pepperoni. But I have a funny feeling that Albie did. Hey oh!
The main portion of this episode, like always, is about Teresa and her minxy little ways. To be honest I feel like it’s refreshing that they at least talk about the magazine covers as opposed to every other reality show that likes to pretend that they’re really not on a television show. One thing that confuses me, however, is what Teresa actually thinks bankruptcy is. I’m almost certain she thinks it’s a disease that you can catch. Whilst talking to Barney (who’s out in the yard in a wife beater and digging up the ground…and apparently 7-months pregnant) about all the wonderful things they’re building on their property – like a garage with a chandelier of course – and Tre starts talking about when you “get bankruptcy you don’t just roll over in a hole and die.” Brilliant. Later she makes it seem like it’s a new workout regimen by saying, “When you do bankruptcy you can keep on living.” I wonder what is more fun, getting bankruptcy or doing bankruptcy? Either way, I’m pretty sure all that money was unattended!
The person who seems to be having the toughest time with Teresa being on a magazine cover saying that she might be going to prison is Jacqueline. She’s nearly in tears because she is “so concerned.” I’m pretty sure those tears are from drinking. Either way, it might be time for Jacqueline to peace on out of the Housewives series. Her main storyline is either centered around Skyping with Ashley in Vegas or reading magazines that Teresa is in and reacting. If Chris had a “harsh hand” maybe things could get a little more interesting. I’m just saying…maybe burning the roast once or twice a week wouldn’t be such a bad thing. At least then she can start endorsing bruise cream and the like. Regardless, Jacqueline invites Tre-bagger to come over to her mansion to chat on the back deck and have some wine. Tre thinks they’re probably going to trade meatball recipes so she can add it to her 15th pointless cookbook, but Jacqueline has an alternative agenda. She spends literally day and night calling Tre out on her magazine covers and the money that she makes off of them. Tre is like a deer in headlights because she isn’t sure how to answer any of these questions. She does, however, know how to brush the hair away from her face every time she gets uncomfortable with the line of questions. If she isn’t rabbidly blinking, she’s pushing her hair away from her face. She’s be a great poker player.
After arguing until the sun went down (for real) Tre tells us in her one-on-one interview that one minute Jacqueline is laughing and then the next minute she’s crying and yelling. Obviously Tre then calls her “Heckyll and Jyde.” You know that classic story. Since Tre grew up poor in Patterson (I’m from Patterson baby, remember!) I’m sure her parents shopped at the Dollar Store and the book there really was called Heckyll and Jyde. In fact, I have a feeling I’d like that story better. Just when the arguing is about to boil over all of a sudden Caroline shows up drinking an iced coffee and wants to know why they’re yelling. The look on Teresa’s face was priceless and scared all at the same time. I’m pretty sure I saw her hairline try to run from her eyebrows. Retreat! I did like, however, how Teresa immediately called BS on this whole situation. She said to Caroline, “Oh you heard me yelling all the way over from your house?” Seconds later she said she felt ambushed. I had to applaud Tre for not only knowing that word, but using it in the correct context. Caroline tries to cover things up by saying she stopped by Jacqueline’s to drop off a bathing suit that someone left at her house…and she just happened to run that errand whilst the cameras were up. Convenient. Caroline takes this time to yell at Tre and say how they were never friends and how fake she is, etc. There was so much screaming and finger pointing that it really made me feel like this is what this show is supposed to be about. I mean, and it’s obviously supposed to be about Lauren’s diet and ordering pizza…but the fighting too. After the fighting ended and Tre decided to peace out from the crazy and asked them if they still “do kisses.” She brushed off Caroline and as she walked away Caroline just yelled out “nice bag.” If I were Tre I would have yelled back, “Good luck with that neck fat. Try a little egg white shake.” See how I tied this all back together? P.S., I miss Rosie
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When the hell is the last time this show has been on? I’ve been worried sick about Lauren’s dieting and if she’s finally in her “size 4.” I wasn’t aware that Hanes Husky ran that small and, yes, it’s going to be that kind of recap. Things start off pretty normal in this episode, meaning that Milania is declaring Jihad on the Guidice mansion and future Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure. She’s teeing off on Gia (z-snap) because she thinks she’s texting her boyfriend. I wonder if her boyfriend is Derrick? Huh, Derrick! It becomes obvious to me that Gia is simply using her phone to update her lyrics to her Milania song now that she is a year older. “First you were one, then you were two…now you are 6…and serving 25 to life with daddy.” Touching lyrics, obviously. Since Gia has the rage of Satan in her (a title previously held by Milania) she screams at the poor (soon enough) child and scares her out of the room. Gia is the delicate oriental flower that she’s always been, but her voice is morphing into Large Marge. As it should. As. It. Should.
If you’re wondering where we left off with the whole “Teresa and Joe” faux-fight, we’re still at the part where everyone is paid extra to say the popular catch-phrases: “I want to be brother and sister again” and “Let’s just move forward and be a family.” I think Tre-bagger and Doozer should just commence the boot knocking ceremony and call it a day. You’s sons-a-b*tches! Since Saul is the voice of reason (with not much else to contribute) he thinks Doozer should reach out to Tre and suggest that they go to therapy, which Doozer does…via text…with cameras up. I honestly find is shocking that Tre knows how to work the text messaging component of her phone. Although I’m sure it’s filled with just smiley face responses, especially the sidewards winky face and the ghetto heart you can make with the number three and the “less than” sign like so: <3 Regardless, Tre doesn’t think they need therapy and that Melissa should go with her husband instead. I think Melissa, Doozer, Tre, and Barney should all put on black jogging pants, purple Nike’s, drink some special Kool-Aid (in which Rosie would crash through the brick wall), and take a nice trip into outer space with that rest of the Italian cult. Who’s with me? No one? The hell with you then. To make things even smarter (or wicked smarter as some would say) Tre tells Jacqueline (who is still in this show for reasons I’m unaware of) that her brother wants her to go to physical therapy. I know it was just a slip of the tongue, but I think she should go to both regular therapy and physical therapy. Obviously the physical therapy will be because of her back pain due to the strain of her own hairline pulling her down towards the ground on the regular. Also, I’m sure Milania beats the bag out of her as well. Now you are six…Mil-aaaa-nia!
There’s a lot of other filler in this crapisode like Doozer taking Melissa to an abandon warehouse that he bought and can convert into “luxury apartments” for the local Eye-talians and also so Melissa can pretend she’s on the set of a horror movie and practice her acting. If you didn’t see it, it’s just about as good as her singing/dancing combo. She’s officially now a triple threat. Triple threat, of course, meaning, high forehead, long face, annoying voice. She is the guidette version of our own Tyra Banks. I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you. How dare you!? I have never yelled at a girl like this before. However, the rest of the episode was all about Rosie being what Canadian’s call “a lesbian.” I was shocked too. There were many scenes with Kat’s Gonzo eyes tearing up talking about how growing up she always wondered if Rosie liked the ladies. Perhaps it was her need to always open up the boxes when FedEx showed up? Perhaps it was her bowl-cut she sported well into her 20’s? Perhaps it was the way she would always throw away the hot dogs at a family BBQ? One may never know. Spoiler Alert: It wasn’t any of those things I made up…although I think I’m onto something with the bowl-cut. Either way, Rosie decides to tell Kat’s kids at the local pizza place that she needs to scissor and she needs to scissor badly. On the regular, some would imply. As she told her touching story to the kids they sat there with their faces blank and their mouths ajar. So, to sum up, they had the same look on their faces as they did for all their school pictures growing up. The daughter cried a bit and the son asked if Rosie had gaydar. I’m assuming he wanted to see if she would beep if she went near Barney and/or Doozer. Eh, let’s throw Melissa into the mix as well. Regardless, it was a nice scene filled with tears, laughter, and an abundance of teeth. I’m talking a lot of teeth. Like, years from now people are going to look back and think that everyone had teeth that big. Like beavers. Shout out to Rosie.
After the whole beaver incident, Bravo decides to teach us about comparing and contrasting and so we become focused on Caroline’s brother and his partner getting married at Pee Wee’s Playhouse in Chicago. From beavers to ding-a-lings, Bravo’s got you covered. By the way, they should use that as their tag line. Free of charge, Bravo, free of charge. That whole preparation for the wedding was boring, except when Teresa was there because she had no clue that everyone there basically hated her. Actually, I’m sure she did know and was just awkwardly laughing all the way to the bank. Perhaps she’s on her way there to deposit a Trump check. I’m rich, b*tch! I’m a little confused about this wedding because basically no one in Caroline’s family can make it and they made it seemed like it was a last minute thing. I know these are both dudes so I’m pretty sure they can’t be pregnant, unless things are different in Chicago and men can shoot a fetus out of their bum-bums? I’ll write a letter to Dr Nancy Snyderman and see what she says. I hope she reads my letter on air. Maybe they’ll ask me to Skype in my question. Anypitocin, Caroline will be doing some form of a reading or speech at the wedding whilst wearing a giant hat and an Easter egg, I believe. I don’t know, it was hard to follow. All I know is that Barney Rubble took a few minutes to tell a story about when he was little he and his friend took out their dinks to see whose was bigger. It’s ironic that Barney will be basically playing the same game with his cellmate by year end. I’m sure they’ll also be playing, “Is it bigger than a bread box?” The answer to that, by the way, is always “no.” By the bus ride home, Caroline tells us that Barney pretty much has a drinking problem. I was surprised she didn’t discuss his weight issue like she does our beloved Lauren.
Anyway, back to the most important person on this show…and our lives…Rosie! The whole gang is at the Jersey Shore and Rosie shows up in a red Ferrari. Obviously she’s trying to compensate for a small penis. Duh. Since Rosie has announced to the world that she likes boobies and gentlemen greeters, we’re now going to see her hit on anything that walks by. She’s loving the waitresses at the party, but more importantly she’s loving the wife of that basketball player who looks all sweet and innocent, but once in the hot tub was see her rack hanging out with tattoos all over her stomach and I’m pretty sure I saw her making the scissors motion with her fingers. As Joey Gladstone would say, “Cut, It, Out!” And I’m sure after the cameras stopped rolling, they did. Snip snip. Me gusta all things Rosie, especially when everyone was trying to pose in the hot tub for the cameras and she just belly-flops in. Bravo. Literally. Seconds later the skanky wife is pushing her boobs in Rosie’s face and almost trying to kiss her for, you know, camera time. Rosie bites her hand like a modern day Lenny and Squiggy because, at the end of the day, that’s what she is to me. And I wouldn’t want her any other way. Why Rosie doesn’t have a spin-off yet is beyond me. I’ll start the letter writing, you bring the pen.
There. I said it. What in the holy hell happened to this show? Remember when it used to consist of stereotypical Italians living in Jersey and flipping tables over prostitution whore books? Those were simpler and happier times. This time around we’re spending 60 minutes on everyones kids and 40 minutes of that is about Gia and her lack of rackage. I feel like I have to, by law, introduce myself to all my neighbors just from merely recapping this. I mean, I have to do it anyway so might as well knock on a few more doors. I’m kidding. I’m not a sexual predator. Was that not clear? Eh, either way. If anyone is wondering why Milania will end up serving 25-to-life, enter Barney Rubble. Tre-bagger and her husband are driving to the oddly positioned hairline factory and Barney is all in a midget-like huff over Tre’s brother and her family. He’s spitting and swearing and extending his Cee Lo Gree elf arms as he yells and calls Doozer a r*tard. Way to keep it PC while a camera is in your face. At one point he tells Tre to shut up and listen to him when he tells her to. Personally I think he should have told her to shut up and dance and then Bravo could have pencil-sketched in MC Skat Kat. Sometimes I think I dream even bigger than Oprah allows me to. Barney is totally going to be the gossipy b*tch in cell block C. I’m just hoping the other inmates will assume he’s just a child serving Juvie due to both his height and reading level. #SmokingStuntsYourGrowth.
And it wouldn’t be a regular episode if one of Lauren’s parents weren’t making Lauren feel like her obesity is the worst thing that’s ever happened to The America and, you know what, it kind of is. Albert is at the driving range with Lauren and basically saying that she’s built like a man and most likely is sprouting a penis with each cheeseburger she shovels on in her facia bruta. Truth be told, I like Lauren and I don’t think she’s really that big. I think she just has a large head and knockers that won’t quit. I mean, they won’t try either. Lauren should totally get that gastric bypass surgery and then come find me in NYC and kick my ass. I deserve it. What I don’t deserve is having to listen to Caroline telling a story of Albie taking Lauren to her Prom because no one else would ask her. I’m sure they edited out the part where she tears up when Lauren gives birth to Albie’s baby in the bathroom and then makes it back to the dance floor in time to finish up the last part of the Electric Slide.
Later, when Teresa and the girls are all dressed like the Fly Girls, Gia (z-snap) decides that now is the time to bring up the “fact” on camera that her ten year old body is sprouting breasts and therefore she needs a bra. I think that makes sense. Teresa is busy feeling up her daughter to see if she really does need a bra but claims she can’t feel anything. It’s such a rookie mistake, actually. Everyone knows, thanks to that episode of Who’s the Boss when Sam needed her first bra, the way to test for that is by catching a football. If it hurts, you’re ready. If it hurts it also means your housekeeper father will be buying you a training bra without a little flower in the middle of it because, lets face it, he doesn’t know you at all. Luckily the lady of the house, who is an Ad Exec on Madison Avenue, will be there to save the day and get you the bra you’ve always wanted. Please note that this same lady may open the door in a pink bathrobe with a white towel on her head and your lives will forever be changed. Where was I? Oh yeah, during all this bra and period talk (that should come with a warning and/or disclaimer) we get to see Gia perform a nice dance while Milania shakes her butt and pushes the littlest Guidice to the ground in one karate chop motion. I’m in the process of a letter writing campaign that will require, by law, Milania to wear a helmet cam at all times. She’ll be like a modern day coal miner but, you know, with all her teeth. Obviously.
Since not much else is going on (and Rosie is nowhere to be found) Teresa brings Gia to get her very first bra. I have to admit this scene is probably the only one that was real this entire season. Tre-bagger is killing herself laughing the whole time, probably because she’s realizing how ridic this whole thing is. Although something inside of me is suggesting that this is all a set up so that Tre can get Gia her own Bravo spin-off called, “Don’t Be Tardy for Your Period.” If anyone should be taking Gia bra shopping it should Barney. He’s clearly a D and has the most experience. Plus, whilst incarcerated Barney will be forced into countless wet t-shirt contests where he’ll win pack of gum and condoms so he can make balloon animals for his bunkmate/boyfriend. To sum up, he’s going to be busy.
While all of this is going on (and LC is interning in Paris) a Family Field Day is about to take place over at Jacqueline’s house. It’s basically like any Brady Bunch episode where they had to have a potato sack race to see who got phone privileges. It was also the way to settle who was going to give Sam the Butcher a “handy” when Alice was too tired. It was in the E! True Hollywood Story, I believe. Everyone is having a good old time at the Field Day except for Gia who is throwing an actual fit because Zio Joe is cheating and Gia “hates cheaters.” Ironically though she doesn’t hate her father. Gia shouldn’t cry so much during these competitions because her braces are going to rust. It’s a real thing. Everyone is laughing and getting along because (1) they’re probably all drunk and (2) they’re probably hypnotized by Melissa’s vagiola that’s hanging out of her short shorts. Lauren looks pissed, yet hungry. Something to think about. It was, however, after the three-legged race that Gia has her final meltdown of the crapisode. Gia starts screaming and crying and finally goes and pouts inside the house. She starts getting mouthy to Jacqueline and Caroline and tells Jacqueline to leave and go outside if she doesn’t like Gia sitting there upset. Where’s the wooden spoon and bar of soap when you need it? Since Caroline doesn’t have much else going on she decides to give Gia a little lecture all while Jacqueline brings out a book to read to Gia about sore losers. She should have read her “The Little Engine That Couldn’t Wear a Bra.” That would have helped her more. Gia is screaming that she wants “Mom” and no one will go and get her. I think she’s technically being kidnapped but I can’t be absolutely sure at this point. Once Teresa finally arrives in the house she’s there to comfort Gia whose only defense is “who reads a book!?” It’s nice to hear the Guidice family motto. Although I thought everyone read a book…especially when it’s a page-turning cook book?
In the end I actually felt bad for Gia, partially because we had to listen to her talk about her bra and partially because she was doing the ugly cry during the last 20 minutes…and it was filmed…and aired…all across the world. It would be like when you and your sibling were little and were invited to a wedding and you would spend the whole time screaming and making dumb faces into the camera…and then it was aired…internationally. Either way, ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!