More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of beverly hills’

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: How Long Until Kim Falls Off the Wagon?

Well, well, well.  Look what the white trash cat with the patch over its eye dragged in.  Yes folks, I’m back.  You see, in case you were living in oddly proportioned parts of Canada and/or under a (bed) rock the east coast got hit with a little something called Hurricane Sandy.  Personally I was hoping they would call the hurricane “Hurricane Sandy Duncan” so then reporters could say things like, “…in the glass eye of the storm.”  In closing, I’m old.  In opening, I’m back.  Sandy took one massive Shasta McNasty all over the place.  I could make more jokes, but let’s just move on.  I mean, donate some money, but let’s get back to cheap laughs, from a cheaper writer, to an even cheaper audience.  To sum up, we’re all whores but you’re the worst.  And you know that.

Speaking of skanks con cash, Real Housewives of Beaverly Lakes is back as well.  I’m sure nothing warms the hearts of those who lost everything in the hurricane more than snapping on their television and seeing middle-aged-trash-heaps-dressing-their-dogs-in-gold-plated-sweaters drinking and spending money on useless crap.  I mean, it makes me feel better about myself, but still.  The good news is that everyone has new heads.  The bad news is that Kim is still on the sober.  It’s really bad.  She barely slurs and she barely fidgets.  She’s like the white DeShawn Snow and, well, we all know where that gets ya.  Although Kim still does kinda slur and fidget so who knows.  Maybe she traded pills and booze for booze and pills?  How the hell do I know?  I’m barely a doctor and by “barely” I, of course, mean that I am 78% a doctor.  I’m more of a doctor than Scholl.  Where was I?  Ah yes, these chicks.  If I’m speaking honest (and by honest I mean politically) this first episode was a bit of snooze.  Sure everyone will scold me for not recapping Jersey Shore or Real Housewives of Atlanta, but I always take a liking to the women of Beverly Hills simply for their faces alone.  And the money.  Money and faces.  You spend half the time pondering if their facia brutas are actually melting off and then you spend the other half of the episode trying to figure out if Lisa Vanderpump would give me a million dollars if I would wash her car with my dingleberry.  Car/dog.  Whatever.  The point is that I’m in some need of some cash and this seems like it would work out better than me getting my masters degree.

The faux-fight that will be taking place this season is between Adrienne Maloof and Lisa VanDamn.  Somehow Radar Online is involved and Who’s the Boss dream sequences from last years reunion episode.  I’m sure Andy Cohen forces them to show his mug in as many episodes as possible.  I’m pretty sure we’ll eventually see him  “playing Russell” in a reenactment of “the end.”  The New York Times will review it as “a swinging good time.”  Anyseeyouinhell, it’s the Villa Blanca one year anniversary and so a big party will be taking place.  There’s only one catch.  Lisa isn’t inviting Adrienne or Paul.  I know, it’s a difficult time for everyone.   Adrienne seems so upset that she could barely apply the tinsel and AquaNet to her Paris Hilton hair extenders.

Meanwhile, Taylor turned into a fat-ass by gaining ten pounds and she’s quick to let everyone know.  Good for her.  20 additional pounds and she’ll be able to share Garanimals with Kennedy (the happiest child on earth) and be allowed to ride Space Mountain.  Yee haw!  I do admit that the extra weight does look good on Taylor.  It really makes her crazy eyes pop.  Speaking of exploding faces, we get to meet a new housewife.  Her name is Yolanda.  For reasons unbeknownst to me, Lisa does not pronounce her name with her British accent and calls her “Yo-lan-da” vs “Yo-lawn-da.”  I think that’s her way of white-trashing her up.  Yolanda and her face is married to David Foster.  Somehow I think this makes her either Brody Jenner’s grandmother or niece.  Id’ have to study the family tree.  I think she may be from Holland.  I’m not entirely sure as I’m trying to figure out her face the whole time and understand why I feel like Tyra Banks makes all her girls look like Yolanda during the makeover episodes of ANTM.  A coincidence?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  “Deperhaps” I think it’s called.  Or unperhaps.

Per usual in RHOBH fashion, the rich keep getting richer.  Kyle’s husband surprises her and her abnormally long hair with a brand new $250,000 car.  In other news, Staten Island is barely afloat.  That wraps up our quick lesson on “perspective.”  Lisa and her husband have moved away from Adrienne and into a new house that is now only 17,649 times the size of my studio apartment.  And here I thought I was living the dream because I had a doorman and granite counter tops when, in fact, that makes me white trash and, Lisa itch.  Speaking of places that I assume make Lisa itch, we get a nice look into Brandi’s home.  I like how the camera crew tried to make it seem like it wasn’t really a crack den, but they just basically kept on zooming in on the busted parkay flooring.  It looked like they gave Kim a Xanax, a 6-pack of Zima, and then access to the camera for a scene or two.  Anyway, Lisa looked like she was “catching poor” by simply standing in Brandi’s kitchen.  In actuality, I think she did catch it and, well, you probably did too just by watching it.

I guess a bunch of other stuff happened.  I have no idea.  That chick Yolanda spent about 20 minutes picking oranges.  So, well, there’s that.  It was finally time for the big party at Villa Blanca, which is Spanish for “Your villa is blanca.”  Kim showed up a little awkward and then Brandi walks in and basically asked Yolanda if she slept with every guy in Hollywood.  Although they didn’t show her face saying it so it was probably dubbed in via the old ways of The Hills.  You know what?  I’m fine with that.  In the end, since Adrienne wasn’t invited she sent a giant flower arrangement (?) to the Blancest Villa in town.  It looks expensive.  It also looked like it was put together by blind homeless children with terrets.  In a nutshell, it was one of (insert Oprah voice) my…favooooorite….thiiiiiiings!  Seriously they should have just thrown it back into the lake they found it in and let those damn frogs live in peace.

Ok I’m all done.  Come and wipe me.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: I Wonder What They Did With Russell’s Filet?

Well folks, the time has come.  We’re ready to give our little Pandorita away to her finance who may or may not  have spoken actual words this season.  That’s right, the entire episode is basically wedding related.  Well, to be truthful it wasn’t all a snooze.  I mean, the first 10 minutes consisted of Paul becoming a woman by getting a tube shoved up is bum-bum for a little colonoscopy or “pay back time” as I’m sure the tinsel in Adrienne’s hair likes to call it.  It was really fitting because I think we, as “The American’s” feel the same pain and squirming feeling when we have to watch Lisa and Ken pretend they remember that they really do, in fact, have a son.  As a sidenote, Max is clearly Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story.  Moving right along.  Back to Paul’s asshole.  For reasons that I can’t seem to understand, Paul is having this procedure done on television because, well, he really is the Katie Couric of our generation.  My favorite part, of course, was when Paul beckoned Adrienne into the bathroom to see if she could help give him an enema.  Why he’s not getting his jacked up thumb looked at whilst he’s at the hospital is beyond me.  #AlwaysGrossesMeOut.

It’s 110 degrees in Beaverly La(t)kes on the day of darling Pandorvakia’s wedding and Kevin Lee’s hair and face is about to melt off.  I hope this horrible heat doesn’t frizz out Ken’s hair and he can be the best Don Imus he can be for the remainder of the day.  Everything else is running as smoothly as possible.  Lisa is having a heart attack because she found a centimeter of tennis court that hasn’t been covered in pink.  Perhaps if Kim was there she could have her 3-month-late period in all the spots that aren’t pink.  Alas, Kim is nowhere to be found but I think it’s safe to assume that she’s still trapped in the bathroom from last weeks episode and, no, I didn’t recap it so go f*ck yourself.  Cheese!  I jest, as I am a court jester.

I thought everything during the wedding looked really nice.  I hear that $1 million was spent on this event and diamonds and real flowers (pink, of course) were sewn directly into Pandoratzee’s wedding gown and, quite possibly, her vagiola.  Sadly not a dime was spent on fixing her Quizzno’s teeth.  Lisa is dressed up like a real-life “I Dream of a Bedazzled Jeanie.”  She’s sporting a crown that costs more than your dumbest child’s college education/trade school dropout bills.  Once Lisa goes back into her genie bottle we should look around to see if we can find out where the hell Brandi is and, more importantly, where we can find Dana.  Maybe she’s busy making breadsticks for her next high-society party that takes place in empty rooms without furniture.  One may never know.  Taylor wasn’t there either and Russell is dead so he couldn’t make it.  I hope Jiggy got his filet.

After the Olsen Triplets apply a face full of makeup to all of Pandora the Explorer’s friends it’s time to walk down the aisle and then get to my favorite part of any Housewives episode.  The dancing.  Me gusta when “the rich” and “the olds” dance their faces off…literally.  Paul and Adrienne are definitely my favorite as Adrienne just performs tinsel-inspired spins all whilst throwing her arms up in the arm like your drunken great-aunt does at nearly every wedding and 1st Holy Communion party at the local VFW.  You know the one.  Paul straightened his bangs for the wedding so I really feel like it threw him off this game a little.  Luckily he did what every white man does when he’s dancing while wearing suspenders.  He pulls on the them all whilst biting his lip.  Seriously, why isn’t there surgeries for people with thumbs like that?  Sorry, I got off topic.  The dance scene was like a non-stop Where’s Waldo sequence.  Luckily I spotted LaToya Jackson dancing within seconds.  I can’t even begin to understand the who, what, when, where, and why of that friendship but like Camille’s face full of whore-red makeup in her one-on-one interviews, I’ve given up trying to figure it out.

In the end, that horrific band sings that horrific song while Pandy Pants and her dad slow-grind on the dance floor.  They should have just played a recording of Paul farting in the hospital on a loop.  All the wedding guests said goodbye to the newlyweds by lighting the same sparklers that they always show on the news duct-taped to mannequins hands right before they blow their heads off just days before the 4th of July as a safety-tips segment.  So, yeah, the same ones.  Sadly, no one’s head, arms, hands, or faces were on fire and the wedding went off without a hitch.  Everyone got together “the next day” at Kyle’s so they could wrap up the season and pretend that Russell wasn’t eating vegetableless pizza in hell, Kim wasn’t putting the fire out in her meth lab,  Brandi didn’t hate her kids,  Dana wasn’t pointless, Kyle didn’t have man-hands (or “toe fingers” as my sister likes to call them), Adrienne’s face wasn’t getting puffier by the episode,  Camille wasn’t about to get the boot from the series, Lisa wasn’t the color of blush, and Taylor wasn’t a grifter.

All in all I’d say this was a good season.  We had beatings, suicide, divorce, and drug problems.  The only thing that could have made it better was if Brandi got knocked up and Paul performed the abortion and then bought her new boobs as a push-present.  See ya.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Ken is Definitely the Cursed Tiki (Doo Doo Doooo)

For me, everything goes back to The Brady Bunch and this crapisode, well, is of no exception.  Everyone is still in Hawaii because it’s Mauricio’s birthday and apparently this is the kind of party you have when Estrella has a new face and won’t bake you a birthday cake in the shape of a taco with queso for frosting.  Kim has finally made it onto the island and while she says she was only a few hours late, we later learn that a few hours actually equals 36.  After taking a shot of confidence juice, Mauricio decides to call Kim’s boyfriend, Ken, out on why they were so late for this dumb birthday party.  Even though Kim’s voice was on camera in the previous episode saying that she was missing the plane because she misplaced her license and crack pipe, they’re now going with a whole new story with all sorts of twists and turns and include the fact that Ken had to work…even though he is “retired.”  Evidently this was the one day during the week where he had to work.  Ken handles this “take no prisoners” line of questioning like a champ by shaking, twitching, spitting, and stuttering all whilst trying to answer the questions.  Basically he’s doing an impersonation of Kim.  The only way I’d believe that Ken was a retiree is if he was the original Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.  That goes without saying.  Kim tries to sweep things under the rug by pretending they’re having a wonderful time at their outdoor dinner overlooking the ocean even though I’m almost certain right now Kim thinks she’s having sandwiches in the ball-pit of Chuck E. Cheese’s with the lady who played Thelma on Amen.  And you know what?  I wish she was.  I wish she really was.  (Doo Doo Dooooo)  At one point, Mauricio gives a toast about “truth” and then gives Kim the side-eye and when he asks her to confess she, too, starts shaking and spraying everywhere.   Why does Mauricio think he’s more of a housewife than Dana this season?

As if Kim’s trip couldn’t be more cursed she overslept the morning when everyone was going snorkeling because she didn’t realize for 3 days that her phone didn’t work so she missed her wake-up call.  That’s probably because in a drug induced stupor, Kim was using her phone as a bar of soap.  Kyle and Lisa Vandershutyourmouth bang on Kim’s door and eventually hop the balcony to see if they can see what’s going on in Kim’s room and, quite honestly, how a fully functioning meth lab works.  It’s basically like Mr. Wizard, but for adults.  How this turned into an episode of Three’s Company is beyond me, but I was waiting for Mr. Firley to pop out of the balcony bushes with binoculars around his neck and a Pina Colada in his hand while Lana fanned herself on the lounge chair in the background. Just me?

Kyle has had enough and so she decides that they’re no longer going to wait for Kim and Ken’s uppers to become downers so they all decide to go on the boat without them.  By the time Kim finally makes it to the dock, the boat is long gone and Kim takes the next 20 minutes to keep saying that “everything happens for a reason” and how “relaxed” she was just sitting on a plastic chair and eating lunch.   I honestly have no idea what these two are talking about.  They’re not even really talking to each other.  They’re just saying unique statements into the wind, basically.  While Kim keeps saying that everything happens for a reason, Ken starts talking about how his eye got poked and he doesn’t know how.  Ken!  For the love of God you’ve got to wear protective goggles whilst melting down 27 packages of Sudafed (the kind behind the pharmacy if ya know what I mean).  Clearly I don’t know how meth is made but the people at the Walgreen’s pharmacy sure think I do because they basically make me swear on a Bible at the register that I won’t make meth out of their special Sudafed.  Is that the drug that you put on a metal spoon and use a busnson burner?  Either way.

We get about a 3 minutes glimpse of Taylor and since the rest of the cast is off the mainland she decides to head over to Dana’s house to tell her that her marriage is over.  If I were Dana I would have been like, “Finally!  Now you can go back to making pizza without vegetables again!”  Ouch, the car door hurts!  Next.  In an even more strange scene, Adrienne, her Christmas tree hair, Paul, his weird thumb, and Kim are walking the hotel grounds and are all discussing what nice guy Ken is.  Suddenly Ken comes out of the woods and tells them that he doesn’t like what they’re talking about because he knows it’s about him.  He then blames Adrienne’s facial expression for all of this.  Adrienne looked as if “the help” just asked her for Christmas Eve off.  She was frightened and I’m pretty sure I saw her grab her purse (and fart).

In the end everyone gets together one last time for day 77 of Mauricio’s birthday dinner and Kyle wants to talk about why Kim missed her flight.  Suddenly, like Taylor, Ken finally finds his voice and is not afraid to use it.  He simply says, “We don’t care” when Kyle keeps pushing for the truth about the mystery of the trip delay.  Well, there you have it.  If I were Kyle I would have sucker-punched him with my size 10 hands and then used her hair to strangle him and or cover his facia bruta.  I mean, why should we have to suffer too?  Kim and Ken end up leaving the dinner because Kyle keeps trying to make some form of a storyline out of this when we all know that if she just confronted her about her substance abuse this crew could potentially win the Emmy.  Suddenly when I thought their argument couldn’t get any dumber they shift gears and start fighting over whether or not Kyle really does, in fact, talk on her cell phone whilst driving.  No really, Kim brought that up.  Clearly she’s trying to get Kyle in trouble with Oprah and, well, no one needs that.

Overall I think this was a bit of a snooze, although I could watch Kim sit on the couch and just stare for upwards of 90 minutes.  At least next week Taylor is back and this time she’s attending a party where she’s poorly covering up a little shiner that someone gave her.  I mean, if she burnt the roast what else could she expect?  You need to baste it constantly.  CONSTANTLY!

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Real Housewives of Beaverly La(t)kes: Friends Don’t Sue Friends. Friends Just Turn a Blind Eye to Friends With Really Long Age-Inappropriate Hair.

When I walk into a room, I OWN it!  Sorry, wrong show.  The point is, is that I’m on a 2 week vacation from work and, therefore, every day is like Saturday to me where I forgot to watch all of my favorite shows.  Either way, here’s a “lite version” of what went down last night on “No One Over 22 Has a White Party So Just Stop It…ly Hills.”

To make sure that there isn’t a trace of another race or color in Beverly Hills, Kyle and her ponytail are having a White Party in her backyard.  I hope 2 things.  (1) I hope it’s as generic as the Cinco de Mayo party and (2) I hope the majority of the crowd is too old to get their period.  Everyone appears to be really excited to attend this crapshoot with the exception of Adrienne, who is almost turning into the Gladys Kravitz of the bunch.  You see, Russell is back from the dead and has sent Camille a letter stating that he’ll pretty much sue her for spilling the beans about how he likes to play “Ike and Tina” with Taylor and her lips.  Camille is afraid to get sued by Russell because she’s trying to stay on course of never having to work an actual day in her life.  Anyclubmtv, Adrienne is all up in tinseled arms because she’s afraid to be around Russell in case he wants to try and sue her as well.  Why none of these women are nervous about the lawsuits I’ve sent them for having hair too long for their age is beyond me.  I’m pretty sure my lawsuit concluded with something along the lines of “…and I expect mom-perms by season three.”

Sidenote:  When Kyle was trying to set up for the party and came running out of her house to meet the guys unloading the trucks, did anyone notice how troll-like she looked?  How tall is she?  At one point I was like, “Why is Verne Troyer wearing a fright-wig and running out of Kyle’s house?!”  I assume he was the entertainment for the White Party, but then realized it was just the lady of the man-hands.

The White Party, like any White Party (I assume) is filled with lot of drama over nobody wanting to be around Taylor and her soon to be dirt-napped husband Russell.  Lisa Vanderfunk seems really concerned that maybe Taylor really didn’t know about the email that Russell sent Camille (from the beyooooooond!) but no one can seem to get in touch with Taylor in time to tell her not to come to the party so, lucky, for us we’re going to get to see them kicked out of the party on camera.  This makes me think it was a little lightly scripted but, who’s kidding who, do you think I have the type of life where I have anything else going on where scripted reality show scenes would bother me?  I mean, sure Kyle is letting tears fall down her face over the stress but she was an actress.  Perhaps you’ve seen her as an extra on an old episode of 90210?  Emmy-worthy.

The only person who doesn’t seem to be concerned with Taylor and Russell at all is our unsung hero, Kim.  Hip, hip, hooray!  Personally I want Bravo to play “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” every time Kim enters a scene.  God, if I had control over this show!  Kim seems like she’s in “good spirits” at the party, kinda like when a crack-head is in “good spirits” that their personal meth lab didn’t explode.  Yeah, that kind.  The only person  that Kim doesn’t want to run into at the party is Brandi and her leg.  So, it only makes sense that out of all the rooms in the house Kim and Brandi (and her leg) end up standing about two feet apart from each other (facing each other).  The exchange is magical.  I think Kim actually has no idea what is going on at all.   In Brandi’s defense she did just stand there, basically, and let Kim Shasta McNasty  all over her.  At one point Brandi even admitted/confirmed having a “truck driver mouth” and then proceeded to say the F-word over and over again up towards the ceiling.  It got pretty “Chris Hanson” creepy when Kim just kept on saying to Brandi, “It’s too bad a pretty girl like you, talks like that” or “I’m sorry a pretty girl like you acts like that?”  She was one more “pretty girl” away from her creeptastic boyfriend starting to get jealous.  Speaking of “the boyfriend”  when Kim introduces him to everyone they all react and hug him like they can “catch jail time.”  And you know what?  I think they can.  I. Think. They. Can.  Oh, and special shout out to the chick from Dr. Drew Sober House who stood by Brandi’s side the whole time not saying a word.  I’m sure she was there to do a full analysis on Kim and, well, I’d like to review that 75 page report.

In the end, no one can get in touch with Taylor and Russell to tell them not to come to the party so they show up at just the right time (when everyone else is already there) and just to make sure we all knew how much they were looking forward to coming to this party Taylor and Russell kept talking about it in the limo ride. In fact, they came back from Vegas early just to attend.  To make things even grosser, Taylor (out loud) says that she’s so happy they’ve forgiven each other and then they kiss.  Russell replies with “I’m a good boy now” which is code word for “I promise to only hit you with an open fist moving forward.”  Disgusting (just like this recap).  And it was strange how he kept saying that they were going to keep having fun like they did in Dallas and then Vegas.  So basically Taylor got tossed around the room in 3 different states now.  Good to have goals, I guess.  Once they show up to Kyle’s house they are met at the walkway and Kyle just starts crying saying that something bad has happened.  Way to play it cool.  They all get involved in this, but I was most proud of Adrienne who seemed to be taking a “no bullsh*t” approach to Russell and his lies.  Taylor, supposedly, had no clue about the lawsuit and while I think they were right to get them the hell out of Kyle’s house, you totally know that Taylor was going to have a horrific night at home.  Even when Taylor and Russell were back in the limo and Russell was trying to say that what Camille said was just rumors, Adrienne was like, “Yeah no, it wasn’t.”  And Paul got involved by chiming in with “I’m going with Camille on this one.” Well, now at least we can distribute the blame evenly over Russell’s death.  Oh, and did you notice when Taylor and Russell were driving back home they didn’t say a word and Russell’s hands were crossed and his fingers were purple.  Purple.  Run Taylor, run!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: I Want Kim’s Voicemail to Be the Soundtrack of My Life

Attention everybody, Kennedy has received a horse.  Sorry, I know that’s off topic, but I forgot to mention that little gem from a few episodes ago and, well, it plays in a loop in my head on the regular.  In fact, I’ve made it my alarm clock in the morning:  Kennedy has received a horse.  Brilliant.  Moving on.  Things are kicked off with Taylor having lunch with Lisa and sporting brand new eyebrows.  Remember that episode where Joey shaved off his eyebrow so they just drew it back in with a Sharpie?  Yeah, well, same/same.  I got an emergency text message from my sister stating, and I quote, “So is everyone just going to act like her eyebrows don’t really look like that?”  Well that is exactly what happened.  My guess is that Taylor was making Russell’s kids Pop Tarts and didn’t put a vegetable on it and so he just bit them off.  And, since it was “art day” Kennedy got to color them in via her Crayola art station.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before her jaw is replaced with moon sand. Taylor informs Lisa that she doesn’t remember what happened at Brandi’s party in Malibu because she had too much to drink.  Luckily, Bravo plays it 10 times a day and 25 times on the weekend so I’m sure that Taylor can quickly catch up on her behavior.  It’s not fair!  It’s not fair!  Get her over here!  I don’t need Bravo trying to combat me.  It’s not fair!  P.S You totally know Russell’s job in hell is to add the vegetables to all the pizza orders.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a scene (see what I did there?) with Adrienne and Paul in which they’re having an actual conversation with each other.  No joke, they just fight the whole time.  This time around they’re fighting on their way to the set of The Doctors, a show that apparently is still being aired in obscure parts of the country where they air episodes of The Walton’s before and after each The Doctors episode.  Yeah, take that Doctors and obscure parts of the country.  Waah!  There’s not much to say about their appearance except the fact that Adrienne is the shiniest person in all of television.  As a sidenote, Lisa is the blushiest person in all the land.

Other dumb crap takes place like Kyle and the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick  head out to some random chandelier store where I believe you can rent them for parties.  It’s kind of like Pinata’s for really rich adults.  In a scene that I believe may or may not have been staged, suddenly there is this “special chandelier” that Faye needs to look at in the back and then suddenly…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…she drops the chandelier and it smashes on the ground all whilst Kyle gets to make some really surprised faces.  It’s like an episode of I Love Lucy if Lucy had the hair of a 16 year old and, you know, the show wasn’t funny at all.  Meanwhile Lauren Manzo Pandorka (high-five to the 5th grade joke) is trying on wedding dresses that cost more than your down payment on your 2×4 house.  Lisa is dressed for a dinner at the White House to watch this event and she even brought Giggy who was dressed in infant pajamas and kept falling all over the couch whilst waiting for this dress-train-wreck to end.  Pandorka “simply loves” all the dresses that she tries on, but Lisa thinks she should stick with her first wish, which was a white dress with diamonds all over it and pink flowers going down the train.  Any chance they can reverse that and the train can go down on her? Or, better yet, can the train run over me because I’m ready to meet Jesus instead of watching Busted Teeth live out her princess dream.

As a sidenote, Kyle can’t make it to Vegas with the rest of the “ladies” because she has a photoshoot for the book that she’s written.  So if you want to learn the secrets of how to get man-hands or grow your hair like the tail of Kennedy’s horse at any age, boy does Kyle have the page-turner for you!  Seriously, hatred.  Either way, the silver lining in all of this is the fact that Kyle calls Kim to see if she wants to stop by the photo shoot, but she can’t seem to get in touch with her. Here’s why I love Kim:  Bat Sh*t Crazy.  Kim’s actual outgoing voicemail message consists of her saying that she can’t take your call right now…and then suddenly goes into, “I lost all my contacts so please leave your contact information” and then suddenly takes a sharp left turn and she states that she doesn’t listen to her voicemails.  Brilliant.  She was one more drink away from a rendition of Jimmy Crack Corn that would make grown men cry.  Most people are glad that Kim has entered rehab, but I’m not.  I’m keeping a candle lit that she busts out of that place STAT!  Later Adrienne calls Kim from Vegas to see if she’s coming on the trip, but Kim mentions she can’t make it because, you guessed it, she’s moving and she moves her own tables and can’t move her neck to the left or right.  Adrienne basically just hangs up on her mid jumbled sentence.  Sweet.  And how long does this damn move take?  Eh, I guess the bags of Cheeto’s and Witch Mountain Bobble-Heads aren’t going to unpack themselves!

Kyle’s photo shoot was everything that I dreamed of and less.  It consists of Kyle’s hair down one side of her shoulder and sitting on her kitchen table with her dirty man-feet and some rabid dog licking cheese off the corner of it.  Gross.  And the photographer almost busts a nut when the dog can eat cheese from the corner because he’s like, “Oh here’s our shot!”  Even Kyle’s little daughter (whose name I know, but can’t spell, and I’m too lazy to Google it) looks like she wants to spray down that table with Lysol.  Personally I think she would have sold more copies of her book if the cover had been a picture of Kyle doing splits on Estrella’s new face.  But that’s just me and, well, I’m a visionary.

The rest of this crapisode, to be honest, was a bore and a whore all at the same time.  All the rest of the ladies were in Vegas on separate trips.  Lisa and Taylor were with Pandorka and her snooze-fest British friends who look like they’d rather make gimp bracelets than have a real drink.  Meanwhile, Adrienne got the B-team with Brandi, Camille, Dana, and D.D.  I mean, I would just cancel the trip.  Everyone is losing their mind over the fact that their Palm’s Hotel (plug, plug, plug, hash-tag, hash-tag, hash-tag) room has a bowling alley in it!  Awesome!  I’m kidding, that would get boring after 10 minutes.  Plus, shut up because I’m trying to sleep.  Camille is trying to bowl “sexy” but her grandmother arms and slip are disagreeing with her.  Meanwhile, Brandi looks like she’s just trying to pregnant from bowling.  What fun.  Over at the other Vegas party Lisa, Taylor, and “the girls” are going to Chip-n-Dales to watch steroids bounce.  Seriously, when did this show turn into an episode of NYPD Blue?  Can you just show ass at 9:00 now?  Where’s the disclaimer?  What if Brandi’s kids were watching?  Speaking of which, who the hell is watching them?  Brandi is either traveling, drunk, or traveling drunk.  Not that I care at all, but be a mom…trash boot.  The one saving grace from all of these scenes was all that middle-aged-mom-sexy-dancing that took place between Camille, Brandi, and even Adrienne in the background.  Camille and Brandi were giving it a go with that whole “Woo hoo we’re pretending we’re lesbians and grinding with each other” all whilst Adrienne was in the background doing the classic, “Your Drunk Aunt at a Wedding Dancing to ‘Celebration’.”  And, well, she nailed it.  I mean, celebrate good times come on!

In the end, Kyle heads out with Estrella to buy a white dress for Kyle’s racist White Party and randomly we learn that Kim was just hanging out next door. She’s probably pan-handling for buttons.  What?  Meth makes you confused between buttons and coins.  What’s even crazier is that when Kim walks into the store she quickly says to Kyle that she doesn’t want to talk to Estrella.  Seriously, what?  I love Kim.  I want to live in a world where there are only television shows about Kim on every channel all the live-long-day.  You totally know that Estrella must have some good dirt on Kim.  Although I’m not sure how Kim even recognized Estrella with her new face!  Please reread that last sentence, but add a sarcastic overtone.  Thank you.  The last few minutes consist of Kim having a breakdown where she cries in Kyle’s lap over the fact that everyone, including her own kids, think her boyfriend (Obese Mr. Bean) is an a-hole.  I actually felt bad for Kim because even if she was on a meth binge she actually seems really lonely and lost.  Maybe she would feel better if she called Estrella a slut-pig?  I know I would.

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