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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Sip ‘n See is the New Speak ‘n Spell

Finally we’re back with a new crapisode of Real Housewives of Atlanta.  Yeee haw!  It was an action packed show with parties, singing, dancing, and much much more…and even much much less.  Here’s what went down on the latest RHOA:

• When I walk into a room, I’m HOPELESS!
• It’s been a cool minute since the last crapisode was on, so it’s only fitting that we start things off with Phae Phae cutting peaches in her kitchen all whilst sporting some see-through spandex pants.  I mean the lights from the camera shining off her knife and hitting her spandex really makes her busted a** pop.  There was so much going on down there it was like a party at Diddy’s.
• So why is Phaedra cutting peaches, you ask?  Well she’s getting ready for her “Sip and See” but of course!  Every high society southern Atlanta belle knows that when you shoot a human out through your vaginastein it’s only customary to invite over the townspeople to sip on some Bellini’s and then awkwardly stare at your baby.  See, I’m from up North where we do things a bit different.  We have a “Sip and Slide” where we crush a 30 pack in 30 minutes and then toss the baby up a “Slip and Slide” while family members throw money at it and yell how “wicked cute” it is.  I guess it’s a left over tradition from the Civil War.  Ahhh, traditions.  So nice.
• Can we dive a little deeper into what Apollo actually went to jail for?  He’s trying to quickly chime in that he really didn’t “steal a car” but is branded an automobile thief and had to go to jail for it.  Um, yeah.  No.  If you really only stole a car I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t spend the 6 years you did behind bars.  I mean, there was a British nanny who once shook a baby to actual death and she got off with a little slap on the wrist.   Pip pip!
• AnnaMae!  You bet—you bet—you better take 5, AnnaMae!  Enter Peter and Cynthia.  Is it just me or can’t you either wait for the day when Radar Online gets a hold of some crazy police record for Peter.  Peter’s business, Uptown, is apparently failing and he’s all sorts of pissed off.  He and Cynthia (yawn) are arguing back and forth about giving up the business, not giving up the business, taking a journey and blah.  But all I’m occupied with is wondering how Peter would sound singing “Under the Sea.”  In this scenario, Phaedra’s mother would, of course, be Ursula and Kandi would be Flounder.  All of this makes me like Peter and Cynthia much better and, to be honest, really makes me want to ride Space Mountain.
• After waiting a good 2 minutes and 13 seconds it’s finally time for Phaedra’s Sip and See and, well, it didn’t disappoint.  Dwight was there to introduce himself to everyone in the room (like all pedophiles are court-ordered to do) and announce the arrival of the “Royal Family” down the stairs and into the living room where everyone is allowed to look at the baby and never ever even think about touching him because, according to Phae Phae, everyone has horrible germs all over their hands.   If I were Phaedra I’d be more concerned about keeping Dwight upwards of 100 feet away from the child or any children for that matter.  No one likes a diddler showing off at a Sip and See!
• Sidenote, I like how Phaedra pronounces “tuxedo” as “tuxeda.”  I’m going to start just randomly adding “a’s” at the end of certain words.  Example:  Someone teach me to play a tune on my new baby-grand piana.
• Kim shows up to the Sip and See looking like she just finished sliding down the pole, walked off stage, and then just walked to Phaedra’s house of horror.  Her rack is hanging out and she keeps her sunglasses on at all times.
• Minutes later, Kim shows Phaedra her paperwork to prove that she is, in fact, a nurse.  Phaedra apologizes and says that Kim doesn’t look like a typical nurse.  I would have said, “You don’t smoke like a typical nurse” as opposed to “look.”
• Meanwhile, NeNe heads over to Fox News to see the work that she’s been doing and tape some “intro’s” for her new segment.  It’s so awkward.  All I can picture is on the Real Housewives commercials when NeNe says, “Do yooooooou want to live like a reeeeaaaaaal housewife?  All equally horrible.  In other news, half of NeNe’s head is orange.  Won’t someone tell her this?  If I were the producer I would have been like, “Ok NeNe that take was really good, but can you do it one more time and this time with your head less orange?”  See I’d be a good producer.  I’m good at a lot of things, like street crossing, dotting my i’s, and Janga.
• Oh sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary (!), Kim is starting to pack for her three city tour and since she is basically like Lindsay Lohan and is always run down (from cough due to cold and drugs due to partying) it only makes absolute sense that her assistant, Sweetie, will be injecting her with a B12 shot.  Seriously, who is her doctor that would just give her a pack of B12 shots for the hell of it? If I were her doctor I would have just informed Kim that she’s probably so run down and draggy because she has a 12 pound dead cat/wig on her head weighing her down.  I mean, that coupled with her ginormous boobs it’s a no wonder she doesn’t topple over on the regular.  But, alas,  I am not a doctor (I only play one on my blog) and Sweetie shoots up Kim in the arm like that horrific scene in Pulp Fiction.  In that scenario, Kim would be playing the role of John Travolta and Uma Thurman.
• When Kim mentions to her daughter, Shecky Zolciak, that she’ll be away from her for 7 days on tour, Shecky looks sad.  When she learns that Sweetie is going with Kim she actually breaks down and starts crying.  She better dry those tears quick before they drip into her mouth and her braces rust shut.  More kids die from that than secondhand smoke…I’m pretty sure.  Yup, I just checked.  It’s true.
• I love how Kim tries to explain to a crying Shecky that she doesn’t have a typical 9-5 job because she’s a singer.  I actually think that Kim thinks that she is actually a real singer.  Like, she think she’s really going on a real tour like Britney Spears and that we’re really not all giving her the side-eye the entire time as a unified nation.  Oh Kim, so simple.  So simple and puffy all over.
• Later Kim and Kandi meet with “Don Juan” who apparently is “the tour” manager.  Should I also put manager in quotes?  Take two.  Later Kim and Kandi meet with “Don Juan” who apparently is “the tour manager.”  He is no joke, yet a complete joke, and Kim is getting as mad as Big Papa’s real wife over all the “rules” that Don Juan is placing on this tour like: don’t be late for sound check, don’t smoke, and sleep on the bus.  What a tyrant!
• Awkward Racial Comment Alert:  So when Don Jaun tries to fit into Kim’s bed to show her that even he can fit, Kim says, “Get your nappy a** off my bed.”  Yeah, that’s not right to say considering Kim is white, yes?  I mean, I guess I’m not the most politically correct that there is, but even I found myself shouting towards the TV, “Oh Kim, baby, no.”  I mean, when Don Imus says it he is suspended from his radio show, but when Kim says it apparently she is celebrated and given another song to “sing” to.
• Kim wants to smoke on the bus, but she isn’t allowed to so she sets a good example to all of society by bargaining with the bus DRIVER by letting him know that if he allows her to smoke she’ll let him drink…whilst driving the bus.  If Kandi weren’t on the bus, I would give this idea my blessing and just let the chips/wigs fall where they may…hopefully all over the highway.  I kid.  I would throw myself out of my apartment window if anything bad ever happened to Kim.
• Back to NeNe-ville.  NeNe is interviewing Jermaine Dupri.  Holy hell it’s like watching the Jolly Green Giant interviewing Sprout.  Ho ho ho.
• Sprout is basically only answering the Jolly Green Giant’s questions with one word answers and mostly “no’s.”  No no no, Green Giant!
• Moments later Sprout gives the JGG a tour of his studio (which I believe is technically located in a Keebler elves tree-house) and later they play basketball and never talk about Janet Jackson.  Yawn.  Every time Sprout gave one word answers she should just have blurted out “Blonk!”
• I know most can’t stand her, but me gusta Phaedra!  While out power-walking with Sheree, Phae Phae is discussing her big a** and saying how much it changed since she’s been pregnant and how it used to be a “big ole donkey booty…like a big reindeer.”  Then she says, “Yeah, it runs in my family.  Everyone got a big old stinky booty.”  Yum.  She finishes off her rein of terror by saying, “Black men love a big old donkey booty…so if you want a black man you gotta put some meat and potatoes on them bones.”  I mean what!?  And then they just throw to commercial.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  And also, I kind of want to start referring to things as a “big old donkey booty.”  Ole!
• Meanwhile, Kim and Kandi’s bus pulls up to some random bar called the Thirsty Beaver.  It actually has a cartoon drawing of a beaver on the side of the building.  I miss Audrina.
• Ay yi yi, this bar.  This bar.  This is the kind of bar where families go to all just have sex with each other and drink pitchers of $1.00 beers and then go home and fight it out to the death.
• There’s some guy sitting next to Kandi (kinda in the background) that has a long thin gray chin beard about 10 inches long.  This is where I would  go to die.
• Don Juan is talking to Kim about her “image” and how “risky” her song “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” is.  The conversation turns to how Kim claims that Big Papa never cheated on her…even though he was still married…with a wife…whilst dating Kim.  This got me to thinking.  What the hell do you do with yourself if you’re the “other women” in a Kim Zolciak love triangle?  And you know what?  I wouldn’t have an answer and not just because I’m “sans vag.”
• Blah.  I really dislike watching Cynthia and Peter.  They’re fighting again, but this time in front of a marriage counselor.  Let’s just cut to the chase that this wedding is never taking place, right?  And when can we start officially calling her “Shawnie?”  Next.
• Once at Tempo in North Caroline, Kandi’s mom and aunts (and the one aunt who looks like Dionne Warwick) show up to support Kandi for her big “club” performance.  Minutes before the performance, Kim is outside chain-smoking and drinking a glass of wine in a clear keg cup all whilst practicing her dance moves.  I mean, this is the best day of life.  She’s even sporting half-camel during all of this!
• And…it’s time for Kim’s performance.  She heads out on to stage and completely forgets all of her dance moves, but “sings” anyway.  I mean why even sing?  Really.  Why not just grow out the hair around your “gentlemen greeter,” stick a lit cigarette in it, clip on a lapel microphone to it, press play on the tape recorder, and then just lay down on stage, spread your legs, and let the song sing itself?  I mean, come on, work with me Zolciak.
• Kim places the microphone directly in front of her mouth (almost in it) so that we can’t see her lips move and she “sings” her song.  The crowd loved it, but let’s face it the sun was out when they entered the club so they’re probably already trashed this point can’t believe they’re at a taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
• Next up Kandi sings a couple of her songs and kills it.  I know I always, always, always, say it but she’s the real deal.  Why doesn’t she dump this show and just focus on her music and stop asking Kim to come along with her on tour?  It’s guaranteed camera time, sure, but still.
• In the end, leg one of “the tour” was a success and they all retire back to the tour bus where Kim and Sweetie wreak havoc on everyone trying to sleep.  It’s official, Kim never takes off that fright wig.

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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Sideboob is the New Butt Cleavage

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• When I walk into a room, I’m ho’in! (credit: my sister who sent me that text message)
• It’s the week of Christmas and not only am I back in Boston for about 3 weeks and trying to gas up my Tivo (I have the original and you start it up the same way you start up a lawnmower) at my parents house, but I’ve been praying to Jesus Claus that this would be a special holiday crapisode of RHOA where maybe Phaedra’s mother dresses up like Santa and continuously pops up in the corner of the screen chanting “Ho Ho Ho.  Mmmm Hmmmm.”  Alas, this does not happen so we’ll all have to settle for dinosaurs.  I’ll get to that in a second.
• Sheree’s dead behind the eyes daughter is moving in with her boyfriend (the one with “that” tooth) since she has finished college and is back in Atlanta.  Therefore, Sheree is promising to buy her daughter a couch and only a couch.  Now if this was Teen Mom or 16 & Pregnant you totally know it would be one of those puffy leather couches that is a staple in all of “the poors” homes, but since this is Hotlanta and “you gots to get da money, honey” Sheree will be purchasing a tight leather couch and I’m not trying to use “cool lingo” I actually mean tight leather.  Like pulled tight.  Hmm how to I explain this? Tight.  Um.  Oh!  The opposite of Kim Zolciak’s “gentlemen greeter.”  And there we have it.
• What kind of furniture store is this?  Sheree decides to surprise her daughter and basically furnish every room for her.  She names like 15 things she wants to get and I thought the total was going to be like $57,094 (of course I was totally yelling “$1 dollar, Bob” as the sales lady was totaling it up), but instead it came to around $7,000…which is still a lot of money but still.  More importantly I could care less about any of this.  Blonk!
• Meanwhile, Cynthia is dragging NeNe around the place where she and Peter (AnnaMae you better scat AnnaMae!) are going to get married.  Spoiler Alert:  It’s at a dinosaur museum.  Oh, and they’ll be exchanging vows directly underneath a Tyrannosaurus Rex, which to my dismay was not just the bones of Tyra Banks.  Tyra.  Oh, and Tyra.  Seriously, my 4 year old niece would love this wedding.
• After the tour of “Night at the Museum” Cynthia and NeNe talk about Cynthia’s “friendship contract.”  I can’t believe grown women are actually talking about this and keep saying “friendship contract.”  I also can’t believe this is supposed to make for good television.  Unless Cynthia leaves Peter at the alter (and ends up singing What’s Love Got to Do With It) I’m predicting Andy Cohen is giving her the boot for next season.  Personally I think they should get another white chick, preferably with a wig, that can give Kim a run for her money (can’t buy you class, my friend).
• Kandi’s in the studio.  This is usually when I zone out, but this time around I got a great idea.  I’m a little apprehensive about sharing this idea like I did with my “Teen Mom” game for the Wii, but I’ll share it regardless.  So, Kandi should consider putting together a group as opposed to going solo.  She should grab a random girl from Escape, a random girl from SWV, Spinderella, one of the 3 girls that got the boot from Destiny’s Child, and that one chick from City High.  Who’s with me?  You’re welcome Kandi.
• I forgot which order this part was in, but how awesome was it when Kim had to “sing and dance” BOTH at the same time!  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  She looked like a deer that was just hit by a car during a snowstorm on the highway whilst in heat.  Doesn’t get any better.  Kim did GREAT with holding the microphone and she almost remembered to point to her finger every time when the lyrics where “the ring didn’t mean a thing.”  And then when she was “singing” about “looking around” she actually crouched down a bit and then put her hand over her eyebrows like she was looking for a lost kid in the mall.  I love the literal interpretation.
• Kandi looks like she’s ready to Shasta McNasty right then and there having to watch Kim for ten minutes.  I guess Kandi is upset because Kim is more interested in getting her mic stand bedazzled (no joke) and thinking that she’s miraculously going to get the dance steps once she puts her “outfit” on.  However, I think Kim really eases Kandi’s fears by repeatedly telling her “I got you.  I got you.”  Gulp.
• NeNe is trying to book some “talent” for her gig at her random news show.  She’s calling publicists that she knows to see if they can get her Jay-Z.  Yeah.  No.  And after they shoot down Jay-Z she asks about Toni Braxton.  Really?  Is Toni Braxton the next person you think of after Jay-Z?  That’ like being, “Can you get me Angelina Jolie? Oh. You can’t?  Well then how ’bout Jodie Sweetin?”  I mean, I would, of course, ask for Jodie Sweetin first, but that’s me.  I just have mental problems.  Like, bad.
• Sidenote, did NeNe’s son’s friend look like Shecky Zolciak with short hair?  Be kind, rewind..and respond.
• I’m really loving when Phaedra comes on the scene.  This time around Phae Phae is rockin’ the side ponytail.  And, to top it off her side pony has a big red ribbon in it.  Is that like tying a string on your finger in order to remember something?  Like, the red ribbon in Phae Phae’s side ponytail is to remind her that she has a baby?  Likely.
• Kandi fills in Phaedra that “Miss Kim” was talking about her and her due date and blah.  I think, I think Phaedra is trying to make fun and talk trash about Kim to Kandi but it’s kind of falling short.  She just keeps saying “I have a husband…this baby is born in wedlock…Kim needs to stop worrying about me and worry about her dating a married man…I’m married….I have a husband…I’ll pull her wig off…my baby doesn’t need a wig.”  Each time I wanted to cheer for Phae Phae but then when she came out with each insult I was deflated and was like, “Wait.  Huh?”  She should have tossed in a Mmmm Hmmmm because that probably would have saved it a bit.
• Well, well, well.  Looks who’s back from the dead?  It’s Dean, Kim’s stylist!  And this time he has grown out his hair long and, apparently, added moose (the size of a dime) to his wet hair to really make some of the curl crackle in the sweet Atlanta air.
• In case you don’t remember Dean, he’s the guy who speaks. so. slow. and. in. loooooong. drawn. out. pauses.
• Oh, and Dean is the one responsible for keeping Kim looking like she slid right down the pole and walked right out onto the street.
• According to Dean, “sideboob is the new butt cleavage.”  Well, now that’s a sentence you don’t hear every day.
• Kim states that “there’s a fine line between style and trashy.”  Yeah, it’s the same line that Kim tries to find and walk on after 6 iced-down white wines.
• I love how Shecky Zolciak and her sidekick are trying on all of Kim’s clothes and, literally, slapping and pushing Kim’s boobs…like, for sport.
• Surprise!  It’s time for Sheree’s daughters surprise house-warming party.  Yeah, she seemed like she couldn’t have cared less that her mom bought all the furniture for her.  I actually think I care slightly more than she does.
• Meanwhile, Cynthia booked a runway show in Miami and has to let the designer know that she may not be in “two-piece” bathing suit condition, but she can probably handle the one-piece.  Oh, and don’t worry about Cynthia though because she also let the designer know that she’s going to throw up all the food she just ate so at least she has that going for her.  Somewhere staring into a mirror and smizing, Tyra Banks is shaking in anger over Cynthia’s comment.
• It’s finally the moment we’ve all been waiting for and by “we’ve all” I really mean “me and my 3 other personalities.”  It’s time for the spa day with all the “ladies” where we get to hear Phaedra tell Kim she doesn’t bring up the fact that Big Papa’s house is in foreclosure and Kim tells Phaedra that she doesn’t bring up the fact that her husband is a convict.  Well played Kim, well played.
• First, however, is the fact that all the women show up to the spa day without any makeup on and, well, I don’t want you all to think less of me than you already do but I have to say that Kim looks the best without any makeup on and actually looks about 10 years younger and I’m not even kidding.  Ok fine.  5 years younger.  But really, she looks way better.  Seeing Kim go without makeup on gave me another brilliant idea.  Know how they have “celebrities” do that Peta ad for “I’d rather go naked than wear fur?”  How about if Kim did one where the ad was, “I’d rather go wigless than wear fur?”  Seriously, I’m not joking…I just surprised myself with what a good idea that is.  This one’s on me, Peta.
• The conversation starts to take a left turn when they all decide to plan a random bachelorette party for Cynthia in Miami and Phaedra volunteers to call up some of the male strippers she knows who can “give themselves head.”  Kim looks jealous because I bet she can only lick the tips of hers and only some of the time.
• Ugh.  Christ.  Now they’re talking about that friggin’ “friendship contract.”  Kim is getting all involved in it saying how freaked out she was over Cynthia’s terms in the contract.  Well if that isn’t the wig calling the contract black, I don’t know what is.  I also don’t really know what I meant by that but I find it nearly impossible to mention Kim without mentioning that fireplace broom on her head.
• Once that dies down, Phae Phae decides to confront “Miss Kim” about talking about her unborn child and blah.  It’s great to listen to Kim defend herself about being a registered nurse and Phae Phae wanting to “see that documentation.”  Why does Phaedra never call things by their actual name, but only by description?  Either way, good stuff.
• And I don’t know if I’m fully convinced that Kim is a nurse.  I feel like there’s some catch.  Like maybe in high-school she really liked the girls mom who was a nurse and came in and gave speech on “Career Night” or something.  We’ll see.
• Finally that spa lady comes in for the 15th time (after having to serve Phaedra water and listen to grown women fighting like school girls) rolls her eyes a few times and ends their argument.  I’d love that lady to come into some of my work meetings to end those early too.  Is she for hire?  And I only mean that in the most legal way possible.
• When I walk into a room, GRANOLA!

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• When I walk into the room, I’ll HOLD IT!
• I’m so glad that Sheree is an actress now.  It really makes sense and we can see She By putting her acting skills to use when Lawrence starts to sing his new song and Sheree says how much she likes it in such a high pitch voice that I’m pretty sure NeNe’s dog came running up the street.  Sheree also just got signed to Sh*tty Bum Agency where all of Atlanta’s elite are signed.  I can’t wait for Sheree to one day land her very first local lottery commercial where she dresses up like a big dancing female dollar sign with giant eyelashes and high-heels.  Dream big, dream often.
• Speaking of wigs perfecting their craft,  Kim starts to take a little choreography for her big bus tour with Kandi.  Kim claims that she’s a better dancer than she is a singer because she’s been dancing for 16 years.  I doubt that.  I mean, I believe that she’s been dancing for 16 years, but a better dancer than singer?  Doubtful.  Kim sings like an angel!  How could she ever top that?  (Top that, top that.  I really don’t give a, about trying to top that.  Top THAT! da da da da).
• You can tell Kim is a nervous wreck about the dance steps since she asks her teacher if she’s going to be doing a lot of splits.  Splits?  Someone should tell Kim that her “concert” isn’t actually the same exact thing as her jazz dance recital when she was 10.  Imagine Kim at 10 years old with a wig and smoking side-mouth?  That makes my brain smile.
• My favorite part of Kim’s dance class from hell was how the song they were practicing to was actually Kandi singing Kim’s song and not Kim singing Kim’s song.   Personally I think that whilst on stage, Kandi should be singing the song and Kim should be animated like MC Skat Kat (with a blond fright wig, of course)  dancing her tail off…literally.  Who’s with me?
• Yes!  It’s Phaedra time!  I have to admit she’s becoming my favorite trash bag this season.  And, to top things off Dwight shows up wearing a top hat like a true neighborhood registered sex offender.  Level III please!
• Phae Phae is breastfeeding whilst she roams her house and chats with Dwight.  There’s about a good 2 minutes of absolute rag-time bullsh*t that goes on between the two of them.  It’s something about a cow and the milk and the king and the queen.  At first I thought they were reciting a nursery rhyme, but then I realized it was just some typical awkward newscaster banter.  I cringed before, during, and after winding up and socking myself in the ding-dong.
• Dwight ends up spilling the womanly beans that DeShawn Snow Cynthia and Kim were talking shiz about Phae Phae and her alien baby.  Phaedra actually has a funny one-liner about Kim getting her nursing degree from one of those “mail in” school degrees for $59.00 and then says, “Just because you strip in a nurses outfit does not make you a nurse.”  Um, actually Phae Phae, it kinda does.  It’s kinda like how a writing a blog makes me a writer.  It does, doesn’t it?  Doesn’t it?  Maaaaaaa!
• And why does Phaedra call everyone Miss?  Miss Kim or Miss Cynthia.  It’s like I’m watching a rerun of Brewster Place which, as a sidenote, was some of Oprah’s greatest work.  1990 was such a good year.
• When I walk into the room, MY SHARONA!
• Oh, and Phae ends her scene by saying, “Kim needs to get a hobby, honey, besides ho’in!”  I mean, come on.  How can you not love Phaedra?  She been funnier since her baby crawled out of her vagina.
• Watching Sheree run lines with Kandi is painful.  Sheree is going to be the Jennifer Aniston of Atlanta where she basically just plays herself in everything she’s in.
• Kim is having a typical “Burn the Fat off Your A**” party an inviting all the girls over.  So is that a party that you’re actually insulted over getting invited to?
• Kim’s fat party includes a machine that shoots red lasers over your body and, allegedly, burns the fat right off as you lay there in your bikini and your friends sit front row drinking wine watching you.  You know, the norm.
• While Kim gets changed into an inappropriate swimsuit for a mother of 2, Cynthia pulls NeNe into the kitchen to discuss being a lunatic.  Cynthia is upset that they haven’t spoken in a few days after Peter and NeNe had a random phone argument.  After they clear the air, she gives NeNe a candle and a friend contract.  Yup, friend contract.  Apparently the contact states that if you want to break up the friendship you have to have the contract notarized.  Look, NeNe is all freaked out but wasn’t the contract just a joke?  I assumed so, but maybe she’s serious and I’m just as crazy as Cynthia is?  That’s most likely.
• Meanwhile, Kim is still laying on the table with protective goggles on and red lasers spinning in circles over her body.  Sheree is telling the girls how she’s in a new play and wants them to come see her “act” but Kim can’t make it and she uses an excuse that I plan on stealing from her for future use.  Her excuse is that she’s flying out to LA to get her real hair colored even though she wears a wig over her real hair on the regular.  Right after that Shecky Zolciak brings Kim a couple of boxes of pizza so that she can eat it while getting her fat burned off.  Sadly, I did not make up any of the above sentences.  None of them.  It all happened.  All of it.  And we wonder why the terrorists want to blow the United States off the map?  Well wonder no more.  Thanks Zolciak (you too, Shecky!).
• Kandi Koated Niiiiiiiights!  Yeah, that scene didn’t happen or anything but, sadly, it plays on a loop in my head 23/7 (it takes off an hour each day).
• Favorite Scene Ever Alert:  Dwight sends Phaedra some food as a gift and there is an entire scene of Phaedra and her mother just looking at each other and then the food and just saying “Mmmm hmmmm.  Mmmmm.  Mmmmm hmmmmm.”  I love a spontaneous sass-off!
• I wish 227 would make a comeback.
• It’s the afternoon of Sheree’s big play!  Oh, and it’s in a strip mall.  No joke.  It’s basically in that one store that is out of business 10 months out of the year, but then suddenly from Sept 1- Oct 31st it turns into a Halloween store and then goes back out of business the next day.  Yeah, so that.
• Everyone shows up to see the play and, well, they look bored to death.  Phaedra is texting on her phone, NeNe is resting her eyes, and Peter, well, Peter looks like he’s about to hit Cynthia with an open fist.  Sheree finally comes out on stage to people in the crowd literally cheering for her.  She says her 3 lines and then walks off the stage.  Drop curtain.  The end.  Really?
• After her few lines, Sheree says that she thinks she ready for film.  She is.  If Law & Order ever makes a movie and is looking to cast a high-society southern corpse, Sheree is your girl!
• After the play Phaedra decides to call out Cynthia on calling her baby an alien and the two exchange words and agree to check their sources.  I have to admit that I was surprised that Cynthia started it by calling Phaedra out on her lying about her baby being full-term.  I didn’t think Cynthia had it in her and you could totally tell that Phaedra was really uncomfortable with it, you know, since she was caught in a lie and a camera was in her face.  Speaking of which, I love that “I smell sh*t” face she always makes and, yes, I’ve almost perfected my impression of it.  More to come.
• In the end, Kim and NeNe head out to lunch, talking about Cynthia’s crazy friend contract and how NeNe wouldn’t know what to do with Cnythia’s vagina if she ever came on to her.  This is all typical lunchtime conversation for those of you trying to follow along at home.  They step outside and NeNe tries to smoke one of Kim’s cigarettes and decides that if Greg were to move out she’d be fine with it and she also may be interested in dating a white dude once her marriage ends.  You can’t see me right now, but I’m raising my hand.  Imagine?  NeNe would absolutely destroy me.  It would be like the Tasmanian devil.

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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Meet Kim’s Scissor Sister, Boys and Girls.

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• When I walk into a room I’m Old Sh*t!
• So remember how Blessed Mother Zolciak was a hardcore “lez in heat” for about 35 to 45 minutes  with DJ Tracy Young?  Yeah, well that horse that was beat to death came back to life so Kim’s decided to nurse it back to health, shoot it in the face, sing its ears off, and then beat it to death once again.  And then she f*cked it.  And then she contacted it via a Oiuja Board and had Oiuja Board sex with it.
• Is anyone else getting the impression that DJ Little Boy Blue is way more into Kim than she is into her?  It’s like she never got the memo that said, “this is a publicity stunt.”  Maybe she heard the word “stunt” and thought Kim meant something else?  See how I just set that up for you?  Now knock it down.
• As Kim is chatting it up with DJ LBB and is having to listen to her tell Kim that she’ll get her a ring bigger than Big Papa’s I notice there is a picture of Kim and DJ LBB in the background placed accurately on her desk.  Why?  I don’t care that she was a half-lez for half-the-day, but what does she tell her kids?  She’s like, “Hey Shecky, hey ‘other one’ come in here for a second.  See this picture?  This is mommy and her friend with whom she did scissors with one night.  We can help pay for this house because of it.  Now go clean your room.”
• Also, DJ LBB was totally thinking Kim was going to front her the money for the plane ticket to come and visit her.  Awkward.  Also, scissors.  Scissors.
• Sheree is a full fledged actress now.  We know this because she goes to visit her acting coach who may or may not be Kim G from RHONJ.  Sheree couldn’t care less that they basically landed her a part in some sh*t bag local play or the fact that they got her an appointment with a local agent.  She’s totally Weekend at Bernies in this scene/series.
• She By Emmy is also less than pleased that she will not be getting paid to “star” in her local play.  I would be less than pleased if I had to pay to see her not get paid in this local play.  Whoriffic.
• Anna Mae?  Gimme 5.  Anna Mae?  You better start singin’ Anna Mae Bullock! Peter is ready to punch Cynthia with an open fist over the fact that she’s chit-chatting on the phone with NeNe on the regular.  In fact, he basically makes her hang up because he’s cooking dinner and is ready to talk to her.  Huh?  Does he know cameras are on him during this scene and that these cameras can transmit pictures (eventually) to our television sets that are placed in our living rooms and we can see him…with our eyes…and we also have ears?  What a tool.  I have a funny feeling Cynthia is going to be telling her friends how she accidentally answered the iron again in “work” tomorrow.
• Sweet it’s time to meet DJ Little Boy Blue!  She’s arrived in Atlanta to support Kim’s permanent wig and her singing “lesson” with Jan Smith.
• 2 Things:  (1) Can they please give DJ LBB sub-titles because I’m struggling and (2) Jan Smith scares the absolute piss out of me.  Sure, that’s not a question but I get to make the rules up around this b*tch.
• It’s time for Kim’s actual singing lesson.  Que suerte!  Kim gets stumped right off the bat when she has to sing “whoa.”  Yeah, she tanks.  Jan Smith makes her over emphasize the “whoa whoa whoa” because she says, “Pretend I’m deaf and have to read your lips.”  Yeah, that was a cry for help from Jan Smith.  She was actually wishing she was deaf and had to read lips and, well, even her lips were out of tune.  You wanna know what isn’t out of tune?  The wig.  Also, they should change song to “The Wig Doesn’t Mean a Thing.”  I mean, regardless I’ll be singing those words and I really strongly encourage you to sing those words as well.  You’ll thank me.
• The best part of the singing lesson at Jan Smith’s House of Horror was when Kim had to “rap.”  I mean, if she only started break-dancing would it get better.  Other than that we’ve certainly hit “tilt” on the “I F’n Love This Sh*t-o-Meter!”
• Sidenote, DJ LBB looks like she’s about to dry hump Kim in the booth.  Like, she’s about to dry-hump a pack of Misty 120’s out of Kim’s jeans pocket.
• I don’t like when NeNe is sad.  She’s stuck in bed, depressed, that her husband is a complete D-Bag.  I found myself shouting at the television, “Rise my NeNe!  Rise out of bed.  Blonk!”
• What is this I see?  Is Phaedra showing actual emotions of “love” and “caring” over her husband and baby?  Well, all that is washed away when “Spark St. Jude” (I mean, really) comes over to take pictures of Phae Phae, lil Phae, and Husband Phae.  You may remember Spark St. Jude from earlier in the season when she took pictures of a pregnant Phae Phae eating giant pickles whilst spread eagle on her back porch.  Ring a bell?  Yeah.
• This time, Spark is ready to take some family photos and within seconds the baby (who is not wearing any clothes or a diaper) begins to spray out projectile diarrhea all over Phae Phae.  What’s worse is that they actually show wet sh*t all over Phae Phae’s hands and the floor.  Gross.  If I want wanted to see a scene with actual sh*t in it, I’d rewind it to when Kim was singing.  Hey-oh!  Hey-oh!  One more time.  Hey-oh!  You may use that one at your next dinner party/time drinking with friends out of a rusty dumpster.
• The pictures get even more awkward when Phaedra holds the very end of the baby’s head and then Apollo holds the very end of the baby’s feet and they basically have him floating in air (and almost break his neck in the process).  Why is this needed?  Seriously, they’re holding the baby like they can actually “catch love.”
• Let’s get back to Kim in “da studio.”  This time around she’s recording with Kandi and Jan Smith shows up again to kick me in the nuts and give Kim a few more pointers and by “pointers” I really mean “feed her how to sing literally every single word.”  By the end of the “lesson” for the song “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” Kim decides that she doesn’t like the word “thing.”  Yeah.  That’s the problem.
• Speaking of women who are struggling to get famous one way or the other, Sheree has her meeting with her potential agent and has to read a scene she just got 5 minutes to prepare for.  Clearly, she is nervous.  Also, I’m nervous for her and am already cringing with secondhand embarrassment.  I’m embarrassed because I don’t want to listen to her “act” but also because she tells the agents that she’s been in two plays already, yet when they ask her which plays she can only name one.  We can tell she’s a great actress because while she’s lying about the plays she’s looking up in the air like the answer is going to fall out of the ceiling.  Bravo! (literally).
• As Sheree has to “act out” her lines or any lines for that matter she seems like she’s pissed off.  She should only take roles where her character is angry at whoever she’s talking to.  Just a simple suggestion.  Take it or leave it.  But take it.
• I don’t understand the car race.  Why are they racing their actual expensive cars?  Kim actually becomes the voice of reason when she says, “who races a Bentley?!”  Exactly.  Kim is so wise and so orange all at the same time.
• Why does DJ LBB talk like she’s a 12 year old?  Someone do flash cards with her STAT!
• And why is Kim all pissed off that people are talking to DJ LBB and asking her questions about her relationship with Kim?  You can’t put all of that out there in magazines and on a, you know, television show but then not want anyone to talk about it.  Scissors.
• However the most important and vital question out of all of this during the racing scene is what the hell is on Shecky Zolciak’s head?  It’s like she took one of Kim’s wigs, crumbled it up, and then superglued it on top of her scalp.
• In the end, Sheree races Kandi and ends up winning because no one knows the actual rules or why they’re even there for that matter.  And, on the ride home NeNe calls Cynthia to ask her why Peter is treating her differently and then asks to speak to him which results in Peter basically yelling at her and then hanging up on her.  Anna Mae!  You better take 5 Anna Mae Bullock!

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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kim’s Freak Number is “Wig.”

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Didn’t we just see an episode of RHOA?  This episode is basically about everyone doing something they don’t want to be doing.  Phaedra doesn’t want her baby, Kim doesn’t want Big Papa or to take singing lessons, NeNe doesn’t want to be married to Greg, Kandi doesn’t want to work with Kim, Sheree doesn’t want to be dating Dr. Flava Flaaaav, and Cynthia doesn’t want to be planning a wedding.  Everyone wins.  Here’s what else went down on The Real Housewives of Atlanta:

• When I walk into the room, IOTA!
• So this really is going to be 1 hr 15 minutes long?  Unless it’s 1 hr 10 minutes of Phaedra showing disgusted emotions over her newborn, I’m hardly interested.  Fine, I’ll watch.
• We kick things off with Kandi Koated Niiiiiights (you have to say it in the horrible way they scream it into the camera like they’re standing outside of TRL circa 1999).
• I like when they all talk about sex and by “like” I, of course, mean “slap myself in the balls until one eye shuts.”
• This time around we learn what “freak number” each “lady” is.  Sheree is willing to try some new things in the bedroom like quite possibly getting peed on.  Kim, who doesn’t think that she’s that freaky, admits to taking it up the pooper like she matter-of-factly agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner next year.  “Yeah, that’s fine.”
• Just when my stomach puke virus started to subside, enter Mr Luscious.  He may be a pimp stripper and I’m pretty sure he tried to gang-rape the ladies and started with Sheree.  Mr Luscious then started to take his “sock” off and the ladies claim that he get pulling it off and off and off.  Funny, that’s what I assume it’s like when Kim takes off her fright wig.
• Moving on.  I guess they’re still going forward with that whole “Cynthia is still getting married” storyline.  She brings her husband and fauxlebrity stylist with her to the wedding planner so that they can put together a complete sh*t-dump of a wedding day.  I couldn’t care less.  All I know is that they talked about a chocolate wedding dress with silver in it and mixing antique with modern.  I’m not quite sure what any of that means, but all I know is that I’m now craving Peeps.
• Next up, NeNe’s friend brings her to the divorce attorney (camera crew behind them) so that NeNe can check out her divorce options from Greg and she really wants to keep it quiet and private.  Therefore, it makes sense that the boom mic operator is hovering over NeNe’s head along with the producer, camera man, and assistants.
• As if things couldn’t get stranger, Kim and her wig are driving her daughter, Skecky Zolciak, to the jeweler so that she can purchase a diamond “abstinence ring.”  Oh, and she’s 13.  Oh, and Shecky and Kim are fighting over the age when Shecky can officially have sex.  Will it be 18?  Will it be 19?  Will it be 20?  My guess?  14.  Actually, scratch that.  She probably already did the deed with Lil Papa.  Anyway, she gets a $3000 diamond ring to let the boys know she isn’t a tease.  I remember when I was 13 and I got a pair of Skidz.  Same, same.
• Kandi and her producing crew are trying to redo Kim’s song and they end up dumbing it down so that Kim is able to sing it.  Basically they need Kim to just be able to belch and, well, that’s the song.  Done and done.
• If Kandi was smart she’d drop Kim, pick up NeNe and go nose to nose (pun intended, but afterward) with Kim.  Also, why in the holy hell do I care?  I hate me.  Don’t worry, I hate you too.
• Every time Kandi sings the song and ends it with the line “you’re nuts” I interpret it as “your nuts.”  I may end all my emails with that.  Your Nuts, Patrick.
• Yay!  Unfit mother, Phaedra, is finally in this episode!  So not only does Phae Phae let the world know that she is “chained to this baby” but she also says, “Meh, we’ll see how this turns out.”  I’m sorry, are you test driving this kid?
• Phae Phae and Apollo 13 (see what I did there?) basically leave the baby in the car so that Apollo can lift Phaedra’s fat ass up the flight of stairs because she can barely walk.  I would have punched her in the c-section incision scar and then called the police on myself.
• Once in the house, her new son, is dressed in an outfit that I’m pretty sure is that knitted thing that goes over the extra roll of toilet paper at Nana’s house.  However, we find out that it’s made by a woman who knits things for Oprah.  For Oprah?  Oprah doesn’t have any kids.  She has dogs.  Is Phaedra’s son wearing dog clothes?  I mean, I’m fine with it either way…I’m just putting it out there.
• Oh, and we learn that his name is Ayden Adonis.  Most important, however, is that we learn that Phae Phae thinks the only reward, so far, of having the baby is looking at it because, “you know, he don’t do anything.”  When this kid grows up and has a ton of self esteem issues I hope someone rewinds this season for him.
• Know what I love?  I love when Kim smokes cigarettes out of the side of her mouth.  It’s great.  She smokes out the side of her mouth like she’s the Tin-Man asking for the “oil can, oil. can!”  and she squints her eyes shut like she’s trying to Shasta McNasty right through her pants.  Someone put that on a loop for me.
• Also, Kim is actually the color orange in this episode.  Like, she’s Snooki.  That’s all.
• It’s great how Kim’s parents are in most of the episodes.  Janice and Guy Smiley are two of my new favorites.  Guy Smiley is loving “Tardy for the Party” and I’m pretty sure he bangs Janice to the beat of that song every morning.  Janice may or may not be awake during “the sex” or “these scenes.”
• Kandi and her mom come on by Kim’s parents house for dinner (awkward) and this is where we get to listen to Greg on the “Internet Radio” (does that exist?) talk about the divorce situation with NeNe and then claiming that he paid $300,000 to get NeNe into “socialite status” and a celebrity around Atlanta.  Here’s the thing.  I kind of believe that.  I totally believe that when Real Housewives was casting for Atlanta, they probably spent a ton of money to make themselves seem like they had more than they did.  Wasn’t the first house that NeNe filmed in just a rental for the show?  And, if I remember correctly, wasn’t that house basically empty?  I think he’s just pissed that their plan basically “worked” and now NeNe is ready to jump ship.  Discuss.
• Here’s the other thing.  Everyone is claiming that Greg didn’t know he was being taped for the “Internet Radio” when he was talking to that guy over the phone?  Really?  It sounded like an awkward interview to me.  Who talks on the phone like that?
• Meanwhile Sheree and Lawrence are at the gym working out. Does Lawrence have breasts?  I don’t care either way, but does he take those pills that make you spout knockers?  Anyway, that’s that.
• Later, Kandi is letting Kim listen to the new version of the song “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing.”  It does sound a lot better, but how come Kim hasn’t recorded it?  Maybe she’s giving it to Shecky Zolciak?  Once again, Kandi doesn’t think that Kim is showing her that she is ready to make another song, but Kim sticks to her old stand-by by saying, “I really want this.”  You know what?  I really want Nell Carter to be alive again but, guess what, it’s probably not going to happen.  I say “probably” because I am, indeed, working on it.
• In the most awkward break-up ever…Sheree and Dr. Flava Flaaaav (boyeeeeeee) have a little lunch to talk about how he isn’t a doctor and how Sheree may or may not be a woman.  This dude is creeptastic.  At one point he calls out Sheree on calling him at his house and not calling his son “baby” when she called the house.  I’m confused.  In the end he is willing to show his “transcripts” as long as Sheree can prove she’s a woman.  Sheree can’t and so he won’t show her his “transcripts” from Mickey Mouse U.  I believe they end the relationship with a fist-bump and the peace sign.  Awesome.
• Meanwhile, it’s NeNe’s first day of work.  She can barely fit in her cube.  I love it.  When doing some “research” for her job she pulls up a story about herself.  This is great.  This is turning into The Hills when LC used to “work” at Teen Vogue.  Me gusta.  Anyway, BAM, NeNe reads the story about Greg and his “Internet Radio” interview.  Somehow the on-air reporter tells NeNe that she can get fired over this?  Um.  Huh?  If NeNe gets fired I’m going to start chanting either “Free Mr Clark” or “Donna Martin Graduates.”  Either one.  I haven’t decided.
• In the end, NeNe awkwardly confronts Greg over the “Internet Radio” interview.  I’m actually surprised they let the camera sroll because it seemed pretty real.
• NeNe cries and screams, “You have done me WRONG as your wife.  I have NEVER done you WRONG.  E-V-E-R!”  You know you can hear her saying it just by the way I typed it.  You’re welcome.
• Greg claims that he was just mad and venting after he and NeNe had a fight.  He’s creepy.  A diddler, possibly.  Anyway, NeNe is so upset that her eyelashes basically fall off.  Well, technically she pulls them off.  But still.  They end the fight by saying that don’t know who each other are.  Um, it’s NeNe and Greg.  They don’t know that?

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